Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, one daughter-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set as we co-author today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

Dad, did you know that when you listen to your daughter, you actually help to build her self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence?! (Unfortunately, that’s not anything they tell you before you become a father, which is why I’m shouting this from the rooftops so you can say you heard it here!). 

This is how I explain it in my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters:

The truth is when a woman is listened to, she stands upright with greater self-confidence. And if the one listening to her is her father, the power of this reality increases exponentially. 

You see, a settledness takes hold in the depths of a woman’s being when she knows that she doesn’t have to shout above all the noise just to be heard. And a power takes root in her when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters. 

Dad, you play a very important role in validating your daughter’s worth by listening to what she has to say,

• even if what she says doesn’t fully make sense to you

• even if you disagree with her opinion or choices, and

• even if you are pushed past your limits of emotional and verbal exhaustion. 

That said, here are a few tips from Ken that you can put into ACTION today to let your daughter know that you care about what she has to say because you are listening to every word (or as many as possible, that is!)

1. Face your daughter squarely. This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture. Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level. Kneel, squat down, lie across her bed, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact. Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your daughter to experience with you. (Time for a Dad check-in: Did you really put your cell phone away?) 

5. Stay relaxed. If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter. Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to her voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying. 

[I, Michelle, totally stand in unison with Ken on this one. Your tone of voice, Dad, can shut her down or open her up to you. Set the example with the tone of voice and attitude that you would like her to emulate.]

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback. Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your daughter to open up even more and let you into her life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking. But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding the other person, not proving your point.  

There are too many adult women who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They didn’t feel valued then, and still don’t, even years later. 

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort if you want to raise and empowered daughter, which we both know you do!