Whether Halloween is a holiday you and your daughter enjoy or not, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my Dad-Daughter Friday Blog this week.

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was a little girl. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a gypsy since we could use things we had around the house. 

My mom put bright red lipstick on my lips and penciled a black beauty mark onto my cheek. I then donned an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf over my head covered in plastic coins. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. His creative motivation was high since this was the only way to fill his bag with free candy. These stories highlight his ingenuity and resourcefulness, ranging from being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a BOX. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He got a box at a local grocery store for free, cut holes for his arms and legs, and one for his head at the top, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story, but then the more I thought about it, I realized he deserved applause for his brilliant imagination! He rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself with no adult or parent to help or support him.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the different levels of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a kid.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well. 

A dad who “tricks” his daughter:

• Puts his needs before hers on a regular basis.

• Teaches her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than.” 

• Teases her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell.

• Criticizes her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way.

• Uses her for his sexual pleasure and robs her of her innocence.

• Contributes to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn.

• Makes her struggle to trust God as her Father because she struggles to trust him as her earthly father.

And now, let’s move on to the good news. 

Here are ways a dad can positively “treat” his daughter well so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well:

• Tells her daily that he loves her and why he loves her.

• Notices the things that have meaning to her and then shares them with her.

• Provides consistently for her needs.

• Buys a special gift for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value.

• Loves her mom (and if divorced, speaks positive words or doesn’t say anything negative)

• Affirms her positive qualities.

• Gently and lovingly sets boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her.

• Listens twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she’s worthy of being listened to.

• Pursues her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her.

• Enjoys the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh.

• Has fun doing activities with her that strengthens their bond.

• Being a trustworthy, connected, and invested dad, builds a bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father.

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter well.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the one man she can count on to treat her with dignity and value so she’ll always know and believe she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this day after All Hallows Eve, I say, “Dad, bring on the treats!”