25 Things to Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstance Say to Your Daughter

I’ve had the privilege over the last ten years of fine-tuning my understanding of men through The Abba Project (If you’re new to the conversation, this is the group I lead in Portland, OR for dads with daughters in their teens and 20’s).  

As a result, I believe I’ve grown to understand and appreciate where you as dads are coming from. The truth is that I really enjoy hearing honestly from fathers about what it’s like to be in your shoes, especially as fathers to daughters.

Through my conversations, what I hear repeatedly from men is one of two responses:

1. Tell it to me straight with as few words as possible (a.k.a. get to the point!)

2. Tell me what to do to fix it.

In an attempt to prove that I, as a woman, can speak in a way that is straightforward with minimal verbiage, here is my bullet point list of some exact, specific things that you as a dad should never, ever, under any circumstance stay to your daughter. EVER.

Why? Because what you say will echo in her head and heart for all eternity and she will never forget what you say, what you believe about her, what you see when you look at her, and what you tell her is true about her. (And sadly, I’ve heard many of these examples in real life).

So with as few words as possible, here’s a list of what NOT to say to your daughter:

• You are one high maintenance girl

• You have always been the most needy of all our kids

• Why do you always make mountains out of molehills?

• You look like you've gained weight

• (never give her a nickname that emphasizes her size)

• You got yourself into this mess so don’t come running to me…

• you have no one to blame but yourself

• Stop crying…You’re being a big baby

• Do you know how utterly ridiculous and nonsensical you sound right now?

• Pull yourself together and when you can talk rationally and clearly, then come talk to me

• Go talk to your mother…She’ll understand you.

• I gave up trying with you a long time ago

• How on earth do you ever expect a man to want to be with you when you act like this?

• You are wearing me out…I don’t know how much more of you I can take

• You drive me crazy

• When are you ever going to start acting your age?

• You are a spoiled brat

• I have no idea how you have any friends with the way you act…the real you comes out at home

• You are a selfish b#%*…can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

• In my house you will act the way I tell you to act

• Shape up or ship out

• Do you want a taste of your own medicine?

• What did I ever do wrong to have to deal with a daughter like you?

• You are a big disappointment to me

• You are a disgrace to this family

• God must regret having made you

• Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?

You may think that she’s forgotten what you said because it was a long time ago. I assure you she hasn’t. Humble yourself, go now, and ask forgiveness. It will release both of you.

Let today be the day where the words you speak to her from this day forward are only life-breathing and not akin to anything in the above list.

And for the record, this is the first time you’ve heard me say that failing to say or do something means that you’re at the top of the class!

(Stay tuned in two weeks for the counter blog titled: “25 Things to ALWAYS Say To Your Daughter”)

6 Years, 7 Observations, and My 8 Word Manifesto for Dads

This week was graduation week for another 10 dads who have completed their 9-month Abba Project journey.

Year after year these men inspire and amaze me as I witness their willingness to accept the challenge to intentionally and consistently pursue their daughter’s hearts over the course of an entire school year. And they all testify to the fact that while their COMPETENCE increases, in equal proportion so does their CONFIDENCE.

I wish that every one of you could come sit with us during one of our group sessions. You would witness dads supporting each other in amazing ways while sharing a similar passion and end goal, that of connecting more with their daughters. For some of them it’s a continuation of a pursuit that already has a well-established foundation set during her childhood, while for others it’s more of an exhausting workout to win back her heart.

The incredible dads of Abba Project 2016

These guys are my heroes and they are literally changing the landscape of our country, one dad at a time, as they “kick it up a notch” with their daughters. They come hungry to learn how to do everything from lead richer conversations to that of enhancing their active listening skills, all while tending to the heart space of their girls. It’s absolutely incredible to witness the growth in these dads in only nine months! [And any of you can join the ranks of these Abba Project dads by reading my book and then doing the dad-daughter dates/activities listed in the back. Write and tell me how it goes!]  

I often refer to myself as a “planet-hopper,” and by that I mean I travel from Venus (my planet) to Mars (your planet)--as author John Grey delineates in his book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. So I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on some things I’ve observed over the course of time. These insights aren’t meant to be all-inclusive, they are simply things I’ve come to appreciate and discover, things I’ve learned first-hand from my expeditions that have led to greater understanding and deeper admiration for fathers.
 
Here goes:

1. Dads are deeply motivated when a particular cause profoundly touches their hearts.

When I started The Abba Project people were shocked that men would add more to their already full plates. Yet they came. Why? “Because we love our daughters,” they’ve said. Dads make the time to do those things they deem worthy of the sacrifice of their time and will move heaven and earth to make something happen if they believe in it.

2. Dads are willing to be taught when the things they're learning resonate with their minds and hearts.

I’ll share with you a secret: When this whole thing with dads got started, I hadn’t expected that men would want to learn from someone who wasn’t a father, especially me. Yet they are rock stars in my eyes, every one of them, because they get out there, sometimes under the bright lights of scrutiny (from their families or friends who hear they’re doing this dad-daughter group thing), all the while coming with a teachable spirit that enriches the learning process. Yes, the world watches with enthusiasm when a dad invests in his kids!

3. Dads are readily open to expressing thoughts and feelings when in the safety of other men.

I’ll be honest----this one caught me by surprise. I hadn’t expected men to talk as much as they do and to tear up when talking about their daughters. I’ve told them how I’m continually blown away at how much they talk, to which they’ve said, “It’s because we’re not competing with women to be heard.” I realize that might sound a bit brutal, but it’s what they’ve said. And when they hear each other, they feel less alone and more supported…and then they talk more!

4. Dads are willing to risk being vulnerable when they know that those around them stand in solidarity.

This is a powerful thing to observe in action. When one dad starts to cry, either because his heart is breaking or perhaps because he’s deeply grateful for a positive breakthrough with his girl, he doesn’t often know what to do when his emotion is so visible. I love when tears start to flow because it says that this is a courageous dad who has activated his heart. And it shows that he is willing to let his authentic self be seen by other men who are also in it to win it.

5. Dads are fiercely loyal to one another when they're on the same team or on the same side of the battlefield.

These guys literally bond as a “band of brothers” through this process of becoming more engaged, dialed-in dads. They champion each other when the chips are down, and when they mess up or are rejected by their girls. And then they celebrate with each other when the wind changes direction and the sun breaks through the clouds. I can often literally feel the support in the room as they rally together around each other. It’s a beautiful thing.

6. Dads thrive when their efforts yield positive results in the lives of the people they love, especially their daughters, thus inspiring them to invest even more.

I believe that it can be harder for men than women to press in relationally, especially when things are moving in a negative direction, away from harmony. Yet I’ve seen that as dads gain tools for enhancing relationships with their daughters, they transfer those skills to all their relationships, and as a result they are inspired to stay the course and keep doing what works.

7. Dads of all ages really do want the same thing: to get it right as fathers, to do it better than the generation before them, and to be the best dad they can be.

Though I know there are “deadbeat dads” out there, as well as dads who perpetuate the darkness that was modeled to them by their fathers, I stand aligned with those who want to change things for the better as they seek to set a new direction. That’s what my dad did and you can, too. I believe that you will leave a rich legacy as you work to be a great dad, a dialed-in dad, and one who impacts the course of history by positively investing in your children.

Wrapping things up, here are my final thoughts. I’ll call this my 8-word final manifesto for dads:

There is transformative power in a dad’s love. [CLICK to TWEET]

When you listen and affirm, love and care, believe in and express, pursue and invest, you give your daughter a key to changing her world, which she can then use to change the world around her.

That’s what I’ve learned from my six years of traveling to Mars.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO RECEIVE MY WEEKLY DAD-DAUGHTER FRIDAY POSTS VIA EMAIL, PLEASE SIGN UP HERE!

How NOT to be a Foolish Father

Since today is April Fool’s Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to connect two powerful yet hopefully mutually exclusive themes: fathering and foolishness. This seems as good a day as any to once again give you a “what-NOT-to-do” approach to succeeding as a dad to your daughter.

Let me begin with a story from three decades ago. Right after college, at the age of 23, I attended a conference in Kansas City that was life-changing. It was the first time I’d gathered with 30,000 other college students with a goal to soak in amazing teaching about our faith in God while being challenged to actually live it out. One highlight that week was hearing from a woman by the name of Elisabeth Elliot, a woman I’d come to greatly admire after reading one of her books. As she stood up and told stories from her life and that of her late husband Jim (who had been murdered in the mid-1950’s), she shared a quote of his that has stayed with me ever since:

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

She said that Jim lived his life with that kind of eternal focus constantly in view, knowing that he would never lose if his actions focused on investing in that which lasts.

And now I will do my best to apply his words to fathering. My translation of Jim’s quote is simply this:

A father is profoundly wise when he:

• intentionally and consistently gives of himself

• deposits daily life into the heart and life of his daughter

• is fully aware that every positive investment yields dividends that will extend past her generation into the next, which then...

• leaves a rich and lasting legacy.

I realize that’s a lot of words, but the essence of what I’m getting at is that when you, Dad, choose to daily attend to the life of your girl, you are the wisest of the wise, the best of the best, and the most strategic of men because your focus as a well-invested father will last beyond the here and the now.

After all, there’s not much that lasts after we’re gone; so why not leave heart deposits that last a lifetime, right?

The reward for being a dialed-in dad like that is not only having a daughter who thrives now, but who soars into the future. CLICK TO TWEET

My friend, Joe Kelly, cofounder of DADS (a national nonprofit organization called Dads & Daughters) says it this way:

“Fathers are the key to a daughter’s well-being, healthy development, and resilient self-image...and our greatest untapped natural resource.”

I love this description of you, Dads. This really is who you are.

So today, why not turn this into a ANTI-FOOLS DAY by proving to yourself that you have it in you to wisely and proactively connect with your daughter’s heart needs. Why not take the next five minutes and put your loving words, the ones you carry in the depths of your heart, into a text, email, or written note to your daughter telling her THREE THINGS you love and admire about her.

That is how you can actively invest in her heart space anew today, while making this the best-ever, non-foolish April 1st you’ve ever had, as you give what you cannot keep to gain what you cannot lose.

TO RECEIVE MY WEEKLY DAD-DAUGHTER FRIDAY POSTS VIA EMAIL, PLEASE SIGN UP HERE!

5 Lessons a Water Heater Taught Me About Fathering

In my first blog post of this new year I thought I’d share a story of something that happened in a corner of my garage just this past weekend. It’s interesting how some of the things that are most significant and impactful seem to take place at the most unexpected times, and in the most random of ways.  

Here’s the story of my recent encounter with a water heater.

I think I speak for a majority of women when I say that interacting with devices that have the potential to blow up and set our house on fire doesn’t rank high on our list of favorite things to do. But as we all know, sometimes we have to face the scary things in life. Adulthood seems to require that of us, doesn’t it though?

For me that came in the guise of needing to relight the pilot light of my water heater a few days ago after it went out during a strong windstorm.

In the past, I’ve always been able to talk my dad into coming over and relighting it for me. He knows it scares me, especially once I start smelling gas (after a few failed attempts at starting the dumb thing), which usually results in me calling him to come to the rescue. One time, it was even after 9 pm, which prompted him to drive all the way to my house just so I’d have hot water in the morning for my shower. (Thank you, Dad!)

Through the past six years I've lived in this house, my dad has repeatedly tried showing me how to relight the pilot light, but for some reason, it’s just not something I’ve been able to master. Maybe it’s that I don’t do it enough to be good at it. Regardless, it comes close to terrifying me and I’d rather defer. My dad has tried to cheer me on by saying, “You can do it!” while standing there with me, but that honestly doesn’t help. Oftentimes I’ve gotten frustrated and then refused to keep trying after repeated unsuccessful tries. (I know…not a mature response on my part, but I’m keeping it real.)

But then, a few days ago, things changed. This time I knelt there on the garage floor to read the instructions my dad had written on the side of the water heater a few years ago:

1. Turn to off
2. Turn to “Pilot” and push down and hold
3. Hold one minute WHILE pushing green button (clicker) 3 times
4. Turn to “on”…should light

My dad's step-by-step instructions, written in permanent marker.

I’m not going to lie, I was feeling a bit of anxiety the whole time. And then, when I smelled gas, I was ready to quit and call my dad to come to the rescue yet again. But I also wanted to prove to myself (and him) that I could do it. I wanted to face my fear and succeed this time. That’s when I started praying for a miracle.

And on the fifth try…success! To say I was excited was an understatement. I could hardly wait to let my dad know that I DID IT!!!

You may be asking yourself why I’m making such a big deal about a seemingly insignificant thing. After all, don’t we all have opportunities to relight pilot lights on our water heaters when they go out?

The reason is that this experience highlighted for me some key fathering tools that I thought would be worth passing along. I guess you could say the water heater issue revealed a few things about what it means to be a good father. Here's what I am calling “Lessons from the Water Heater:”

1. When you teach your daughter to do something that doesn’t scare you but does scare her, don’t expect her to walk into her fear in the same way or within the same time frame that you do. (It has taken me over six years to finally do this, even after repeated “tutorials” with my dad here on site!)

2. Don’t belittle your daughter in the process of teaching her something new, especially when it’s a skill that you have but she doesn’t have yet. Never tell her that she’s a “baby” or a “scaredy cat” if her real emotions of fear surface. Use nurturing words that encourage and support, even if she fails on that particular day in facing her fear. Courage happens in stages. For today, she is one step closer to conquering the mountain.

3. Be available to come to her aid by doing things for her, because it communicates that she’s worth the help you can offer. Anytime you can stand with your daughter while providing supportive help, it's a good day for you and a great day for her. This is love in action. Talk about a win-win!

4. Respond to her in the way that you want her to eventually respond in crisis when she’s on her own. Because more is caught than taught, she is always watching how you respond (to her and the situation) during these times that are often stressful (with a dash of urgency and panic thrown in). Model to her what it looks like to stay steady in the storm as you demonstrate problem-solving with diligence and strength.

5. Be willing to write out the steps for her to navigate tricky and scary things so she has everything she needs to succeed on her own. Having my dad's hand-written instructions on the side of the water heater, which I could eventually use to navigate the situation on my own, was a gift. It took me years to be ready to follow his instructions, but when I was ready they were there. (Perhaps penning a hand-written note to your daughter today that affirms her will give you a way to put this step into action. Even if it’s not a "step-by-step action plan" like my dad's water heater list, the note can help her remember you're there for her when her fears surface).

In the end I fully believe that most women want:

• to successfully face our fears

• to internalize the lessons you’ve taught us, dad, while making good decisions of our own

• to be proud of ourselves because we did it…all by ourselves

• to know that you're willing to step in when we need your help, especially during those times when things scare us...because it let's us know we're worth being cared for

• for you to be proud of us

• for you to cheer us on no matter how long it takes to finally get it right and figure it out

• to live empowered lives where we do what needs to be done with anything and everything that comes up in our lives

So this week I cheer you on, dad, to start 2016 with resolve to stand next to your daughter as you help her face her fears while you are there with her, sometimes in person and always in spirit.  

If you do, she will soar. And so will you.

TO RECEIVE MY WEEKLY DAD-DAUGHTER FRIDAY POSTS VIA EMAIL, PLEASE SIGN UP HERE!

10 Things Dialed-In Dads Don't Do

This blog was originally posted on September 26, 2014

Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done.  Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words she was easier to track with.  But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants…and words!  That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.  

As a way to support your deep desire to truly dial in to your daughter’s heart, here are a few things that I’ve learned along the way, ten land mines to avoid if you want to raise a healthy, vibrant, loving, and spirited daughter.  

Here’s what not to do and say if you really want to be a fantastic dad:

1. Tell her she’s too emotional

The reality is that as women we have 11% more neurons in our brain centers involved in hearing and language as compared to men, leading us oftentimes to be better skilled at expressing emotions. I’ve even read that women retain emotional memories more vividly than men do, which serves as another piece of the puzzle when it comes to you as a dad honoring the wiring of your daughter, particularly when it comes to emotional responses.

2. Require her to talk calmly and rationally in order to communicate with you

I do understand that most men “flood” [a.k.a. zone out] when there is too much emotion coming at you because it feels like you need to fix and have the answers.  However, the more you can be a sounding board as your daughter vents and expresses, the more of a gift you are to her.  When we can talk and express while feeling our emotions, the more calm we will automatically become as a result.  Just remember that you don’t have to fix it.  Listening to her is the best gift you can give.

3.  Criticize her

There’s a difference between choosing certain times to correct or discipline and putting her down or highlighting the things she’s doing wrong.  One researcher talks about the concept of a “Love Bank,” saying there needs to be five deposits to every one withdrawal to make a relationship strong.  If you have something that needs to be addressed, be sure and pack a lot of positive, life-breathing, encouraging statements around your corrections and it will have a much higher success rate of responsiveness.  Remember the 5:1 ratio…daily.

4. Tease her about her weight or any part of her body

I understand that guys tend towards teasing each other about body parts and it’s no big deal.  Not with us girls.  We remember things that are said, even in jest, forever.  Everything. Make sure to never, ever, under any circumstances tease her about her weight, her size (breast size, pant size, etc), or any imperfections on her body.  Those words will stay with her long after they’re said.  And even if she seems to laugh it off, those reminders of her flaws are hurtful and will most likely lead to less self-confidence, a negative body image, and possibly lead to an eating disorder. 

5.  Put her mother down

Whether you’re still married or divorced, when you demean, criticize, or speak negatively about your daughter’s mom, you are essentially criticizing her. She will hear it as you saying that you think she will turn out the same way.  Because every daughter sees herself as some sort of reflection of the woman who brought her into the world, she uses mom as a reference point for understanding herself.  Look for the positives in mom and point them out to your daughter.

6. Think your actions behind closed doors don’t matter or are inconsequential

We’ve all heard the adage, “do as I say, not as I do.”  But really, who is kidding who here? As a dad, just remember that the choices you make when no one is looking are the things that define you and measure your integrity. Let your actions on and off the court be filled with self-respect if you want your daughter to live out her morals, beliefs, and values as well.  Let me say it another way:  Be the man you want her to marry.  It starts with you, dad.

7. Forget her birthday

Each of us has an innate desire to be known and even celebrated.  But simultaneously we as girls don’t always feel we’re worth the party.  This is where you as her dad come in.  Your investment of time, energy, and money tells her that she’s worthy, valued, and loved.  Make sure to join in the celebration on her birthday because it shouts, “I’m glad you were born!”

8. Compare her to her siblings

Although it might slip out of your mouth, try and avoid ever saying, “Why can’t you be more like…”  You see, we girls compare ourselves to everyone else without prompting.  So if you add to that reality, it only adds more fuel to an already existing fire.  Make sure to let her know that she’s one of a kind even though much of the time she may feel like she’s one in a million.  Let her know she’s unique and beautiful just because she’s herself.  

9. Speak in anger

If I had a quarter for all the times I’ve heard daughters, most often with tears running down their cheeks, tell me about the wounding that has been experienced as a result of dads anger, I’d be rich.  Words spoken in anger do the most damage to a daughter’s heart over anything else I hear from girls about their relationship with their dads. If you want to have your daughter’s heart stay open to you, make a contract with yourself to never speak in anger to her again because it destroys her spirit and her soul.  Take a time out to cool off and come back when you’re calm.  You’ll never regret waiting to speak.

10. Give monetary gifts rather than yourself

In a world where life seems to be increasingly speeding up faster, it can be easy to give things more than yourself to your daughter.  Remember that she wants and needs you, your heart, your attention, and your time more than any monetary thing.  You, dad, are the gift.  And when you give her you, it communicates to her that she is worthy of your attention and focus.  Any notes you write her will become treasures.  Don’t be surprised if she saves them forever.  Why?  Because your view of her matters more than all the rest…honest!

Let me end by saying that this backwards template is designed to put a creative twist on this concept of being a focused, dialed-in, intentional and consistent dad.  I’d love to hear back from you as you put these concepts into practice.  Write me and tell me your stories at drmichellewatson@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or @mwatsonphd on Twitter.

Also, throw your email address in below to receive these blogs straight to your inbox!

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Bad Hair Days and How Dad Can Save the Day

It's a Friday afternoon in August.

2:30 pm. I had just gotten my hair cut and it turned out way shorter than I had wanted. The cut wasn’t bad--it just wasn’t what I expected.

5:30 pm. My parents pick me up and we head to Panera for dinner. Of course I vent about my haircut. For ten minutes. It was then that my mom (who is the sweetest, most gentle and tender soul on the planet) turned around and lovingly said to me, “Do you think we could be happy now and maybe just move on?”

I’d love to say that I received her invitation with grace and thanksgiving. But no. Here’s what you would have heard if you were a fly on the inside of the car door as I responded with depth and maturity (not!):

“How do you think my clients would feel if, after ten minutes of being in my office, I told them that they’d had enough of feeling sad for today and now it was time to move on and be happy?”

I then added, “I have the privilege of listening to people’s struggles all week and now it's my turn to be listened to. But you want me to be instantly happy. I figure things out by processing and I just need you to listen as I talk it out. That is a gift to me.”

My cute momma said she would try to listen more (even though she’d clearly had enough of my bitchin’ and moanin’). But I kind of shut down after that, even though I was trying hard not to.

Through all of this my dad was sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, not saying a word. He held the ground steady as the ripples of the earthquake that started in the backseat were making their way forward. After living with four daughters and a wife, he’s learned at times like this that it’s best to stay silent until the storm has passed.

5:55 pm. We walk into Panera. The emotional air is thick around us but we order our food and try to salvage the evening as a best we could. My dad tells me that he really likes my haircut.

“You do? You’re not just saying that?,” I eek out.

“I think it is shaped nicely around your face and looks great on you.”

“For real? You promise you really mean that? Okay, I’ll try to believe you...thanks Dad.”

Hearing my dad’s truth about my hair helped me to look through his eyes and settle down. I guess I needed a man’s perspective more than I even realized.

My dad got it right that time. His tone, his truth, and his timing were spot on.

6:05 p.m. I can breathe again. Now I’m ready to enjoy eating a fantastic Greek Chicken Salad with a whole wheat baguette on the side. Partial melt down complete. Total melt down averted.

I don’t know what happens at times like this for us girls when the world seems to cave in over a seemingly insignificant thing and it’s hard to regain solid footing. That’s when dad wins the triple word score by saying just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time.

It doesn’t have to be a ton of verbiage, but your calming presence, Dad, and a few words of affirmation seem to do the trick.

The emotional torrents where the winds and waves hit unexpectedly have a way of dying down when the response from you parallels the desired outcome: soft, gentle, tender, rational, clear. That’s when you save the day. That’s when you save our day.

Dad, you can rescue a bad hair day and help turn it around by following a few simple steps.

Let’s call them the “Five Hair Don’t’s and Hair Do’s”:

1. Don’t talk louder in an attempt to overpower her intensity when she’s overwhelmed.
Do talk softly and gently (even if that doesn’t seem very manly!).

2. Don’t tell her what to feel or not to feel.
Do tell her you’re truly sorry she’s having a hard day.

3. Don’t tell her she is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Do tell her that mountains (of emotional intensity) are part of life and you’ll always be at the base of the mountain, ready and steady.

4. Don’t tell her that she needs to toughen up.
Do tell her that her sensitivity is one of her greatest strengths while teaching her by your example what it looks like to stay calm in the storm and work it through.

5. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t care about external things, like haircuts.
Do tell her that you care about what she cares about (even if you can’t fully understand it from her perspective).

On the worst hair day, there’s nothing like having a dad who is in your corner cheering you on, telling you that you’re going to be okay while affirming you through the process.

Dad...don’t ever forget how much we need you through the high’s and the low’s of life. You are one of our greatest resources when you come alongside us and help save the day.

To have these Friday blogs delivered to your email address, just enter yours below and you'll be all set to go!

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner