10 Do's for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

In my last blog you learned 10 things NOT to do (I called them “DON’T’s”) when it comes to leading the way in resolving conflicts with your daughter. And today is Part 2 with 10 things to DO to bring peace to your daughter during stressful times. 

These conflict resolution skills are designed to help YOU stay grounded to lead your daughter to a positive resolution with you at the helm.

You notice I’m using the word LEAD more than once. This is because it’s up to YOU to take the initiative to model healthy responses to your daughter. I know it’s easier said than done, but because your little apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, the better able you are to stay regulated and calm, the better able she’ll be to follow your lead and regulate herself.

Before I share the DO’s list for solid conflict resolution, let’s review the DON’T’s of things to avoid as you help your daughter resolve conflicts in a positive way with you, her siblings and friends. (At the end of this blog, I’m attaching a pdf you can copy off and put it in a prominent place as a reminder of these 20 truths). 

10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1. DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling.

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation.

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you.

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example.

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right.

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask.

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting.

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels.

9. DON’T go it alone.

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity.

Whew….you made it through the list of DON’T’s! Well done. Now take a breath and soak in the positive things you can do to help turn things in a better direction when the intensity increases…in you and your daughter.

10 DO's to Lead Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict:

1. DO treat her the way you want to be treated. (If you want her to respect you and/or her mom, your home/rules, etc., make sure you’re modeling what respect looks like in action).

2. DO lead by example. (You’re a leader, whether you know it or not. Your daughter will follow your lead by watching how you respond to her and those around you).

3. DO stay calm and filter every word that comes out of your mouth. (Do this just like you do when you’re at your best, in a public place, or on the job while being mindful that your responses are being watched and they matter. This requires self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit so He will help you if you ask).

4. DO take a “time out” when you’re triggered that matches your age. (For example, if you’re 35 years old, take 35 minutes to walk away from the situation so your brain can calm itself. Then come back and continue the interaction. You’ll never regret waiting to address something later…guarantee it!)

5. DO be the first to admit wrong and ask forgiveness for your part in the conflict. (When you own your stuff, take responsibility, and make amends, she will respond positively to your vulnerability and humility).

6. DO try texting or writing a note to express yourself. (This will allow her to hear your words without being triggered or overwhelmed by the intensity of your words, tone, and body language).

7. DO ask your daughter’s mom or other adult females to help you decode your daughter and better understand her point of view. (Be open to input from others to expand your awareness beyond what you know or have experienced).

8. DO get close enough to see her eyes during the conflict and seek to validate the place inside where she is hurting. (Eyes are the window to the soul and when you see her hurt, you’ll be better able to reach her heart).

9. DO listen more than talk as you seek to grasp what she’s saying and hear where she needs you to understand. (Ask more questions than giving statements because the more she feels heard, seen and understood by you, the quicker she’ll calm down and co-regulate with you. Communicate that you want to understand and need her help to do so).

10. DO rest assured that long after the conflict is over, she will remember that you loved her as you’ve sought to win her heart more than the argument. (This is about looking at the bigger picture and thinking about the long game beyond the present moment and conflict).

These 20 specific ways to be a leader in your home as you seek to model relational health with your daughter. And though every one of these skills takes practice, they provide a road map for intentional, positive investment in her life.

As I shared last time, I trust this list of DO’s and DON’T’s serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

To download the PDF with all 20 Do's and Don'ts, click here. 

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’s and INREASE YOUR DO’s when it comes to being a conflict resolver. Go Dad!

10 Don’t’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflict

We all know that being good at resolving conflict is not easy. Do I hear an “amen”?!

The reality is that being competent at resolving conflict is a learned skill, not something we’re innately wired to do.

Of course there are certain personalities that tend to run hot (which can be tied to individual wiring, trauma triggers, birth order, etc.), yet we all can benefit from a refresher course in strengthening our base when it comes to being more proactive and less reactive when it comes to handling conflicts and disagreements. Are you with me?!

As a GirlDad, you clearly know that more is caught than taught. So as you model what it looks like to be a conflict-resolver, your daughter will grow along with you. And the more you’re able to de-escalate the situation by regulating and calming your own nervous system responses, the more peace there will be in and with your daughter.

Today I’m sharing 10 things NOT to do to increase the likelihood of a positive resolution with your daughter when it comes to conflict resolution. This will help in your relationship with her, and also as you help her resolve conflicts with siblings and friends.

Then in in two weeks I’ll give you the other side with 10 things TO DO to resolve conflict with your daughter. (I’ll attach a pdf next time so you can copy it off and put it in a prominent place to remind you of these truths).

 
10 DON’T’s for Leading Your Daughter to Resolve Conflicts:

1.  DON’T raise your voice and escalate by yelling. (If you don’t want her to raise her voice, scream, swear, rage, come unhinged, etc., then you must lead the way by refusing to engage in any of these behaviors first).
   

2. DON’T fire words at her, coupled with intense emotion in an attempt to gain control of her and/or the situation. (Set a time limit with yourself--even now--and practice being self-aware as to when it’s wisdom to take a break. When you control yourself, you’re positively helping to resolve the conflict by decreasing the flow of reactivity).
   

3. DON’T disrespect her while demanding that she respect you. (This one is tricky because you obviously have to intervene if there’s harm to herself or others, and there needs to be an intervention. But as a rule, be mindful of modeling respect, which includes honoring her ‘no’ and negotiating a later conversation after you’ve both calmed down).
   

4. DON’T forget that she will follow your example. (This goes both ways---positive and negative. It’s called “Laws of the Harvest” where you reap what you sow in her life. The more you water the soil of her heart with consistent, nurturing deposits, the more she’ll grow and be full of life).
   

5. DON’T expect her to be the first to soften her tone and react right. (This is a hard one at times when you have to be the mature one when everything in you wants to react to her reaction. But it’s up to you to set the pace for relational health as you lead the way).
   

6. DON’T demand that she immediately respond to what you say or ask. (Remember that when her mid-brain is on fire and there’s upset and overwhelm, she needs time to cool off before she can listen or talk rationally).
   

7. DON’T walk away while shouting or reacting. (Let her know if you need to leave the room or the call, you will come back in “x” number of minutes so she is clear about your expectations and knows there will be an attempt at resolution later).
   

8. DON’T make fun of her for what she says or how she feels. (This is especially true if she makes no sense to you and her problems seems insignificant or invalid).
   

9.  DON’T go it alone. (Allow yourself to ask for help, support, and input from other dads, other women who were once your daughter’s age, as well as a counselor, mentor or pastor).
   

10. DON’T believe the lie that you don’t matter when it comes to shaping your daughter’s life and identity. (This goes beyond the current conflict and serves as a reminder that with every difficult situation, there is an opportunity to go deeper relationally with your daughter.)

Dad, I know it’s never fun, pleasant, or easy to navigate conflict, especially when it’s with your daughter whom you love with all your heart. And because it’s a normal part of relational health to have disagreements, it’s all about learning how to positively work through things rather than avoiding conflict.

I trust this list of ‘DON’T’s’ serves to remind you during challenging moments that you can actually strengthen your relationship with your daughter and deepen your bond by how you proactively work through the situation to a positive resolution.

I’m cheering you on as you DECREASE YOUR DON’T’S when it comes to being a conflict resolver. And in two weeks you’ll get the DO’s list…so be sure to follow along for Part 2. Go Dad!

What You Have to Gain by Engaging Your Daughter’s Heart

Happy Father’s Day weekend, Dad!

I’m cheering for you today as a father and a GirlDad. And whether you’re in a strong and amazing place with your daughter or you’re struggling with her in this season, the fact remains that you’re a dad and this is a day of celebration for being part of the story God is writing in her life…and yours.

As you know, I LOVE championing you as you dial in to your daughter’s heart so she can be all God has created her to be…with you in her cheering section throughout her entire life.

And when professionals and clinicians address practical ways to raise healthy sons and daughters, most often the focus is on the positive benefit to children. Yet today I want to change things up a bit and talk about the POSITIVE, PROACTIVE, AND POWERFUL IMPACT TO YOUR LIFE that takes place when you engage your daughter’s heart.

As I reflect on the decade-plus of coaching dads of daughters while challenging them to invest strategically, consistently, and intentionally in their daughter’s lives (with a minimum once-a-month dad-daughter date with more vulnerable and honest conversation), I think of how impacted I’ve been in hearing them share---with one word---the GAINS they experienced through the process.

I asked these men to describe their experience---and benefit---of spending nine months in The Abba Project with a goal to bond and connect more with their daughters. Here are some of the favorite words I’ve heard:

• Introspective

• Growth-producing

• Worthwhile

• Enlightening

• Intense

• Authentic

• Inspirational (which led another dad to add, “Perspirational!”)

• Educational

• Encouraging

• Transformative

• Eye-opening

• Rewarding

How many of these words describe YOU as a GirlDad?

If your words are similar to what these dads have said, to you I say, “Well done!”

However, if the words you would use to describe yourself in this season with your daughter are less optimistic than these words above, I encourage you to follow the lead of hundreds of other dads who made a decision to be more intentional about heart pursuit of their daughter no matter the odds

(This is why I’ve written books, specifically Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, to equip you to lead and connect more with your daughters).

Yes, many of the men I’ve coached were facing very challenging dynamics with their girls. Many started from a place of discouragement, rejection, even estrangement. But each one committed to doing his part in reaching out to his daughter, and every one saw growth in himself, even if his daughter still responded in less-than-positive ways.

Listen to more first-person testimonies of GAIN by committing to this process:

• “It’s been a lot of work, but worth it. I believe I have grown.”

• “While this process is different for every dad, you gave me every tool I needed. What I can say now is that there’s no finish line for being a dialed-in dad!”

• “It’s been a tough year with my fifteen-year-old. Then earlier last week she was angry with me and wouldn’t talk to me for two days, but I can tell I’m responding differently than I used to . . . and we just had a breakthrough this weekend! She came up and hugged me and said, ‘I like hugs.’ Since then she keeps hugging me, and I tell her that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’”

• “I’m now fathering my daughters with greater vision, which has really developed and increased my capacity for reaching them. My resource well has deepened, and I more frequently draw from that well now.”

• “The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know as much as I thought I did. In other words, I can be a good dad already, but now I admit I have lots of room for improvement, especially when it comes to speaking Venusian!”

I long to see dads across America become more intentional in the ways they pursue, engage, and connect with their daughters just like these brave men who stepped into uncharted territory.

The key is not giving up before you reach the finish line, while being committed to talking through as many of the upcoming questionnaires with your daughter as are applicable. If you do give up, you’ll inadvertently convey that she’s not worth the effort.

Daddy, Daddy...Watch Me!

I still remember the day I went for a run when a woman with two little dogs on separate leashes stopped to give them a breather and enthusiastically said to me, “Wow...you’re a fast runner!"

I was stunned but kept going, only then to have few clumsy words tumble out of my mouth in response, "Oh, bless your heart.”

You've got to understand. I am not a fast runner. Okay, maybe if you put me up against a first grader I might be considered fast. But that’s about it, even on a good day.

I actually started jogging the summer after my senior year of high school. Even still I only run in very small doses. And sometimes when the weather is bad I decide I’m not in the mood and then take the whole week off. This simply translates to the fact that I don’t invest much time into this sport and consequently I’m a bit slow on the draw.

But here’s what I noticed after being applauded and celebrated by a complete stranger.

I noticed how her empowering words had a very powerful impact on my energy, my mood, and my stride. In fact, her words echoed repeatedly in my head and I not only started telling myself that I must be a fast runner if this lady said I was, but I literally started running with slightly increased speed!

The result is that I embodied her observation.

There really is something robust and potent in positive words spoken, even random observatory words from a bystander.

This got me thinking back to when I was a little girl. I remember wanting my dad to notice when I was running fast or doing something that required an extra dose of physical strength or stamina. I wanted him to watch and be proud of me for working hard and pushing hard. Those two things always went hand in hand.

There was something about my dad applauding me that seemed to make it more true and valid. Another way to say it is that we as daughters thrive when we have a dad who believes in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves.

Dad, your daughter needs you to see her now, just like when she was a little girl.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says it all.

Here’s my friend Jay, a dad who now is cheering on his daughter from heaven. I love this picture he posted on social media a few years ago where he was actively engaging with his precious daughter Ava.

Both the picture and his corresponding words have melted my heart when he wrote: “Her biggest weapon on the field is laughter.” 

My first thought at reading Jay’s words and seeing this picture was: “How incredible that he’s close enough to hear her laugh.”  

Though this dad now only hears his daughter’s laugh from afar, his words still ring true. I know his forever deposits into her life are still yielding positive dividends today. And I imagine Ava is still saying to her dad as he watches and listens from his heavenly home, “Daddy, Daddy…watch me!”

Dad, remember that cheering from the stands is well and good. But always make sure you’re close enough to hear and see her up close too.

Dad, Are You Capitalizing on Car Ride Conversations with Your Daughter?

I’m excited to be talking about capitalizing on time in the car with your daughter because it emerged organically from conversations with other GirlDads.

I’ll always remember Scott, a dad in The Abba Project (the group I founded for dads of daughters in their teens and 20’s), who shared this story with all of us:

Connecting with all my four daughters has been challenging through the years, but I found a way to do it and it came to me by accident. When my youngest daughter was a young girl, I began taking her with me on drives in my jeep. Especially during the summer months when I could take the top and doors off, we would go on drives late at night.

We would listen to music, sing songs together, and just have a great time connecting. It became just one of the things that we did on a regular basis and soon my second daughter wanted to go with us. Sometimes it was three of us and sometimes it was just two of us. I also noticed that my second daughter began asking if we could go on drives together. She was seeing the connection taking place and wanted it too. Thankfully I have a wonderfully perceptive wife and she helped me recognize what my second daughter was asking for. And thankfully I was open to her observations and began initiating drives with my second as well.  

Something remarkable began to happen as we continued to make drives together:

• They began to share their lives with me.

• They began to tell me about deep personal fears they had. 

• They began talking about the challenging relationship issues they were going through.

• They told me about their insecurities.

• They began to open their lives to me in a vulnerable way that I had not anticipated and it frankly scared me many times.

I discovered that the safety and security of sitting side by side rather than across a table from each other was a huge blessing. And I have a buffer space to process some of what they shared without them seeing my face directly.

As you can hear in Scott’s story, this is what it looks like to be STRATEGIC ABOUT CAPITALIZING ON TIME IN THE CAR TO CONNECT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART!

I want to highlight something Scott mentioned that’s actually confirmed in research and underscores why it works for men to capitalize on car ride conversations.

You’ve heard me talk in the past about the fact that women tend to speak to each other and bond by being face to face while men tend to relate better when they’re shoulder to shoulder. So, this works to your advantage in the car because you don’t have to look in your daughter’s face but are shoulder to shoulder with her.

Here’s how Derek described it when I asked if he had any theories as to why the car seems to enhance dialogue and foster more openness from his daughter than being in other places with him:

Generally, the experience is good when we’re in the car because the environment is controlled so it's easy to have a conversation and dialogue on various topics. The conversations go better because of 1.) the inability to have direct eye contact and facial contact, while 2.) still having a consolidated focused space to have a complex conversation without 3.) the concern or ability of anyone else entering the room and hearing a part of it or disrupting the conversation. 

Here's what Hector told me about his experiences with car ride conversations:

When I was my daughter’s taxi, the conversations seemed to happen much more organically than they do now. Now she’s transitioned to driving most of the time by herself so I have had to be much more purposeful in trying to find conversation times. Even though no longer being a taxi driver has freed up considerable time, I miss those conversations terribly. I wish I could go back some days.

So, Dad, are you ready to be even more intentional about connecting with your daughter in the car? This can become a sacred space for bonding with her like nowhere else.

Let me close by sharing a template created by my friend, Dr. Joe Martin, founder of Real Men Connect that he’s used for years to open up more meaningful conversations with his daughter. He simply uses the acrostic GLAD:

G - What was GOOD about school [or your day] today?
L - What did you LEARN at school today?
A - What made/got you ANGRY at school today?
D - What DRAMA happened at school today? Or What tough DECISION do [or did] you have to make at school today?

There it is, Dad: A plan of action to go the distance with your daughter.

Now it’s your turn to intentionally capitalize on car ride conversations with your daughter so your automobile becomes your automatic place to connect with her heart.

Now start your engines. On your mark, get set…go!

Don't Let Your Daughter Lose Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland, but then again, maybe you have!

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

I acknowledge that at first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, teenage Alice Kingsleigh, inadvertently tumbling down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards. Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is confirmed by the quirky Mad Hatter who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” whom he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.”

Then he deals a harsh blow by indisputably declaring his reason for believing she’s not the girl he’d met years earlier: “You’ve lost your muchness.”

When I first heard that line in the movie there was something about the unusual expression that caught me off guard and has stayed with me for years. Surprisingly, tears welled up in my eyes when I first heard this unique wording as they reverberated inside me.

The reason? Because I too have wondered at times if I’ve “lost my muchness” somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away for a moment.

I sat there and pondered over what my muchness would look like if I actually even had it. Or worse, I wondered whether I had any muchness at all in the first place.

Now before you conclude that I’ve completely lost my mind with this whole crazy concept, I encourage you to ask: What on earth does Michelle mean by “muchness?”

I’m so glad you asked! And I will answer by defining it in relation to your daughter.

“Muchness” is:

• that part of her that is passionate and scared…all at the same time

• that part of her that sometimes wears you out yet is tied to her individual calling and gifting

• that part of her that makes her uniquely spectacular!

For me, just like with Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been positive. In fact, the first memory that comes to mind is that of my elementary teachers (yes, more than one!) writing four infamous words repeatedly on my report cards:

“Michelle talks too much.”

(cue visual memories of me standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself in class!)

Scanning further in my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “too much” folder is that of the comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me things about me that he thought were “too much.” According to him I used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, I laughed too much, I weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long).

Here’s why I’m telling you this story.

It’s because I can relate to Alice in that somewhere along my life journey I began to believe that I didn’t have any muchness, which translated to letting others define me rather than using my own voice to stand strong. All of that morphed into an internalized belief that I wasn’t enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough (which is another way of saying that I’d “lost my muchness”).

As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies that were already there. He was a guy who seemed to align with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me (but now I know he could never give me what he didn’t have within himself to give).

Alice though, by the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. Though greatly afraid, she boldly faces her fears as she fights and then slays the dreaded monster, the Jabberwochy. As she bravely steps forward, sword in hand, it’s so fun to hear her boldly declare these words as a heroic battle cry to the creature, “Lost my muchness, have I?”

I LOVE that line!

Alice uncovers her newfound courage by going through the battle to discover who she really is. She had to face a force bigger than herself while using her voice to find herself. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

It was up to her and her alone to fight the dragon in order to save the kingdom. 

But the deeper emerging truth is that she faced her own dragon, and in the process saved herself.

Dad, the questions I pose to you are these: 

• Has your daughter found her muchness?

• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by helping her take steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?

• Is there a battle she needs to face that inherently holds the key to her discovering and embracing her muchness?

Dad, you are vital to assisting your daughter on her journey to find and hold on to her muchness. Or if she’s lost it, to help her to find it again.

Finally, here are five ways to do just that: 

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible

• Encourage her to push past her fears

• Remind her that she has to face obstacles in order to be fierce

• Assure her that you’ll always be there to cheer her on, even if she doubts she can do it, falls down or fails in the process

• Communicate that you believe in her until she believes in herself

Why do this? Because your daughter’s muchness has the potential to change the world!

Dad, You Can Help Your Daughter Find - And Use - Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal. Isn’t that mind-boggling?!

This little statistic serves as a reminder that we often say more by what never comes out of our mouth.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments. Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has.

That last line not only resonates with me, but it wrecks me. When I was younger, I was that girl. I didn’t have a voice and didn’t know how to stand confidently and use it. And I don’t want your daughter to ever say the same.

Her voice is the conduit for her heart, her spirit, her mind. And when she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys and one daughter. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad who helps your daughter find and use her voice. The more she practices using it with you, the better able she will be to use it out in the world.

It’s Time for Dad-Daughter Brainstorming with 10 Outrageous Dreams

Today’s blog is all about ACTION---for you and your daughter.

Let me share why this activity is worth doing. About 20 years ago I wrote my first list of ten outrageous things I wish I had the nerve to do. I can’t even remember where I heard about creating a list like that, but somehow I decided to put pen to paper and date it.

Guess what one of the items was on the list? To write a book! It honestly seemed like a crazy, unattainable idea at the time. But then in 2014, I did it. And in 2020 I did it again. Even now, I’ve still got more ideas inside me for books I want to write for GirlDads. And I want you to know that the words I wrote on that paper primed the pump.

So I speak from personal experience when I say, “Write it and dream it.”

And to think it all started by being challenged to make a list of ten outrageous things I wish I had the nerve to do.

Now let’s talk about you and your daughter and next steps.

For this activity, ask your daughter to write down ten things she dreams about doing one day, no matter how outrageous they seem.

Encourage her to dream big while realizing that these ten things have the potential to shape her current choices because, based on her self-stated goals, they will have a long-range purpose behind them.

Use this opportunity to reinforce that you will always be her champion no matter what obstacles may come her way. Let her know you’ll check back with her in a week or two and then invite her to read her list to you.

And for extra dad points, create your own list and share them with her on your dad-daughter date, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward. 

You can also use her list as a prayer guide to ask God to fan into flame her hopes, dreams, passions, and desires.

What outrageous things will your daughter----and you---write? I can hardly wait for you both to join forces to brainstorm about wild goals and dreams.

On your mark, get set…write!

The COST of Being Right: Burning Bridges With Your Daughter

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I’m careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here is what one dad wrote me:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? I have to ask myself if I could ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain. I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to distance herself from her father, whether for a season or indefinitely. 

One of my close friends went through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter for many years. I’m happy to report that there has now been restoration and healing. I realize that’s not how every story ends, but at the same time, his situation might give you hope.

For three years he had very little contact with his daughter, which led me to ask him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months later.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. And similarly, if this is where you’re at with your daughter, you must take a surrendered stance like my friend.

And this position of humility has to start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and do whatever you need to do on your end to begin moving towards make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.
“I know I hurt you with my words. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you need?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.
“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).
(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you. 


• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific. 


• Write a letter to her (that you may or may not give her) that lets you connect with your heart. 


Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re actually building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

The 12 BEST Ways to ACTIVELY Listen to Your Daughter

Hi Dad…

If you’re like the hundreds, even thousands, of dads I’ve interacted with over the past 15 years, I’m assuming you want to grow in becoming a better leader.

Truth: You were made to lead. And you are made to love.

One powerful way you can do both of these things simultaneously is to LEAD BY LISTENING. This is what real love looks like in action, especially when you engage your daughter by listening better and longer.

Yet we all know that listening is HARD WORK! And the hard work is worth it when you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life as you give her this gift.

If you make a commitment to grow in learning to lead by listening, I guarantee that your bond with your girl will be stronger and your relationship will thrive!

If you only take away one thing today, let it be this: Listen twice as much as you talk. It’s the “two ears-one mouth principle,” which serves as a reminder to listen way more and way longer.

Now let’s get practical so you can be intentional about leading by listening:

1. Listen with your eyes.
Not only can your daughter read you, but she can see in your eyes whether you’re really listening. She can tell whether your eyes are glazed over and you’re checked out or whether you’re reading her eyes and truly listening to her when she talks. Make it your goal to give her eye contact as she communicates, which lets her know you’re actually listening with your ears.

2. Listen with your head.
When you turn your head towards her as she talks while nodding your head up and down, your body language communicates that you’re tracking with her. Even if you don’t understand what she means or is saying (!!), by slightly moving your head up and down, it says “yes, keep going…I’m here and I’m all ears.

3. Listen with your mouth.
At the very least, make a “hmmm” sound as she talks rather than being completely silent. This reveals that you’re interested and you’re taking in what she’s saying. Then be sure to remind your mouth to smile as she talks so your countenance aligns with your heart desire to express love, care, and genuine warmth.

4. Listen with your brain.
Because men read lines and women read between lines, you can almost guarantee that if you’re thinking something critical or negative while your daughter talks, she’ll pick up on it. So as you listen, talk to your brain and remind yourself that you love her and you want to understand. Then she’ll most likely open up with greater freedom because she will feel safe, loved, and validated.

5. Listen with your entire body.
If you want to be an ‘extra credit dad,’ you’ll actually need to increase your body awareness while realizing that your entire being from head to toe is communicating either a positive (open) or negative (closed) response. Because experts say that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language, this means your daughter is constantly reading your body language to determine whether you’re with her based on how she interprets your non-verbals.

6. Listen by asking questions.
Active listening involves asking questions to keep the conversation moving. My trick to help you do this more effectively is to use the key word/s or last word/s in her sentence to ask a follow-up question. And there’s a double benefit here, Dads, because when you ask questions, it keeps you engaged in the conversation and you’ll be less likely to zone out!

7. Listen thoroughly before speaking.
I’ll always remember what Jim said one night to the guys in The Abba Project because it resonated with all of them: “As I’ve been learning to listen longer to my daughter, I’m realizing how often the question I was going to answer wasn’t the question she was asking!” So as you wait to comment and allow your daughter to share the whole story, you’ll discover the wisdom in holding your tongue as your presence confirms that she’s worth listening to.

8. Listen by inviting repetition.
When you say, “Tell me that again so I make sure to get it,” you’re communicating that what she said is important and you want to make sure you really heard her. This will help her feel valued and honored. Ask her to clarify and tell you more, which will expand your listening muscles and she’ll feel understood by you.

9. Listen in different physical places.
I’ve heard stories from daughters whose dads are no longer alive and they warmly tell of places where they had positive interactions with their dads: a favorite restaurant, a park, the dining room table, kitchen island, or bedroom floors. Find where your daughter tends to open up the easiest and create a rhythm of dialing in when the two of you are together in those spaces.

10. Listen without problem-solving.
Most GirlDads I’ve interacted with tell me they often want to “fix it” when their daughters share a problem. I would suggest following Rick’s sage advice as a GirlDad of three: “Knowing I will never master the art of discerning a ‘just listen’ session from a ‘fix it’ session, I’ve taken the measure of asking my daughters what session we’re in. Now when one gets to a pause in her monologue, I ask if she just wants to talk or if she wants advice.”

11. Listen by welcoming emotion.
This one might be a bit out of your comfort zone, especially if your daughter emotes in extreme ways that push you outside your window of tolerance. The more you can hold your daughter’s emotional intensity and model the responses you’d like her to display (staying grounded, not getting angry, etc.), you’ll notice her nervous system will calm down as she co-regulates with you. This is how she will more quickly move from fight, flight, and freeze to emotional equilibrium.

12. Listen by removing distractions.
This means putting away your phone and setting down the remote. This means choosing a place to listen with as few distractions as possible. If you’re in a public place with sounds and sights all around you, practice disciplining yourself to keep your focus on your daughter’s face despite nudges to look and listen elsewhere.

There you have it: Your 12-step plan for expanding your capacity for becoming a skilled listener.

And in a world where there’s more voices shouting and significantly less listening, you as her dad will stand apart from all the noise by listening longer and stronger to your precious daughter.

And never forget that when you lead by listening, your love always wins.