Dad, You Can Help Your Daughter Find - And Use - Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal. Isn’t that mind-boggling?!

This little statistic serves as a reminder that we often say more by what never comes out of our mouth.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments. Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has.

That last line not only resonates with me, but it wrecks me. When I was younger, I was that girl. I didn’t have a voice and didn’t know how to stand confidently and use it. And I don’t want your daughter to ever say the same.

Her voice is the conduit for her heart, her spirit, her mind. And when she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys and one daughter. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad who helps your daughter find and use her voice. The more she practices using it with you, the better able she will be to use it out in the world.

It’s Time for Dad-Daughter Brainstorming with 10 Outrageous Dreams

Today’s blog is all about ACTION---for you and your daughter.

Let me share why this activity is worth doing. About 20 years ago I wrote my first list of ten outrageous things I wish I had the nerve to do. I can’t even remember where I heard about creating a list like that, but somehow I decided to put pen to paper and date it.

Guess what one of the items was on the list? To write a book! It honestly seemed like a crazy, unattainable idea at the time. But then in 2014, I did it. And in 2020 I did it again. Even now, I’ve still got more ideas inside me for books I want to write for GirlDads. And I want you to know that the words I wrote on that paper primed the pump.

So I speak from personal experience when I say, “Write it and dream it.”

And to think it all started by being challenged to make a list of ten outrageous things I wish I had the nerve to do.

Now let’s talk about you and your daughter and next steps.

For this activity, ask your daughter to write down ten things she dreams about doing one day, no matter how outrageous they seem.

Encourage her to dream big while realizing that these ten things have the potential to shape her current choices because, based on her self-stated goals, they will have a long-range purpose behind them.

Use this opportunity to reinforce that you will always be her champion no matter what obstacles may come her way. Let her know you’ll check back with her in a week or two and then invite her to read her list to you.

And for extra dad points, create your own list and share them with her on your dad-daughter date, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward. 

You can also use her list as a prayer guide to ask God to fan into flame her hopes, dreams, passions, and desires.

What outrageous things will your daughter----and you---write? I can hardly wait for you both to join forces to brainstorm about wild goals and dreams.

On your mark, get set…write!

The COST of Being Right: Burning Bridges With Your Daughter

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I’m careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here is what one dad wrote me:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? I have to ask myself if I could ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain. I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to distance herself from her father, whether for a season or indefinitely. 

One of my close friends went through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter for many years. I’m happy to report that there has now been restoration and healing. I realize that’s not how every story ends, but at the same time, his situation might give you hope.

For three years he had very little contact with his daughter, which led me to ask him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture. It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months later.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. And similarly, if this is where you’re at with your daughter, you must take a surrendered stance like my friend.

And this position of humility has to start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and do whatever you need to do on your end to begin moving towards make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.
“I know I hurt you with my words. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you need?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.
“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).
(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you. 


• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific. 


• Write a letter to her (that you may or may not give her) that lets you connect with your heart. 


Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re actually building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

The 12 BEST Ways to ACTIVELY Listen to Your Daughter

Hi Dad…

If you’re like the hundreds, even thousands, of dads I’ve interacted with over the past 15 years, I’m assuming you want to grow in becoming a better leader.

Truth: You were made to lead. And you are made to love.

One powerful way you can do both of these things simultaneously is to LEAD BY LISTENING. This is what real love looks like in action, especially when you engage your daughter by listening better and longer.

Yet we all know that listening is HARD WORK! And the hard work is worth it when you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life as you give her this gift.

If you make a commitment to grow in learning to lead by listening, I guarantee that your bond with your girl will be stronger and your relationship will thrive!

If you only take away one thing today, let it be this: Listen twice as much as you talk. It’s the “two ears-one mouth principle,” which serves as a reminder to listen way more and way longer.

Now let’s get practical so you can be intentional about leading by listening:

1. Listen with your eyes.
Not only can your daughter read you, but she can see in your eyes whether you’re really listening. She can tell whether your eyes are glazed over and you’re checked out or whether you’re reading her eyes and truly listening to her when she talks. Make it your goal to give her eye contact as she communicates, which lets her know you’re actually listening with your ears.

2. Listen with your head.
When you turn your head towards her as she talks while nodding your head up and down, your body language communicates that you’re tracking with her. Even if you don’t understand what she means or is saying (!!), by slightly moving your head up and down, it says “yes, keep going…I’m here and I’m all ears.

3. Listen with your mouth.
At the very least, make a “hmmm” sound as she talks rather than being completely silent. This reveals that you’re interested and you’re taking in what she’s saying. Then be sure to remind your mouth to smile as she talks so your countenance aligns with your heart desire to express love, care, and genuine warmth.

4. Listen with your brain.
Because men read lines and women read between lines, you can almost guarantee that if you’re thinking something critical or negative while your daughter talks, she’ll pick up on it. So as you listen, talk to your brain and remind yourself that you love her and you want to understand. Then she’ll most likely open up with greater freedom because she will feel safe, loved, and validated.

5. Listen with your entire body.
If you want to be an ‘extra credit dad,’ you’ll actually need to increase your body awareness while realizing that your entire being from head to toe is communicating either a positive (open) or negative (closed) response. Because experts say that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language, this means your daughter is constantly reading your body language to determine whether you’re with her based on how she interprets your non-verbals.

6. Listen by asking questions.
Active listening involves asking questions to keep the conversation moving. My trick to help you do this more effectively is to use the key word/s or last word/s in her sentence to ask a follow-up question. And there’s a double benefit here, Dads, because when you ask questions, it keeps you engaged in the conversation and you’ll be less likely to zone out!

7. Listen thoroughly before speaking.
I’ll always remember what Jim said one night to the guys in The Abba Project because it resonated with all of them: “As I’ve been learning to listen longer to my daughter, I’m realizing how often the question I was going to answer wasn’t the question she was asking!” So as you wait to comment and allow your daughter to share the whole story, you’ll discover the wisdom in holding your tongue as your presence confirms that she’s worth listening to.

8. Listen by inviting repetition.
When you say, “Tell me that again so I make sure to get it,” you’re communicating that what she said is important and you want to make sure you really heard her. This will help her feel valued and honored. Ask her to clarify and tell you more, which will expand your listening muscles and she’ll feel understood by you.

9. Listen in different physical places.
I’ve heard stories from daughters whose dads are no longer alive and they warmly tell of places where they had positive interactions with their dads: a favorite restaurant, a park, the dining room table, kitchen island, or bedroom floors. Find where your daughter tends to open up the easiest and create a rhythm of dialing in when the two of you are together in those spaces.

10. Listen without problem-solving.
Most GirlDads I’ve interacted with tell me they often want to “fix it” when their daughters share a problem. I would suggest following Rick’s sage advice as a GirlDad of three: “Knowing I will never master the art of discerning a ‘just listen’ session from a ‘fix it’ session, I’ve taken the measure of asking my daughters what session we’re in. Now when one gets to a pause in her monologue, I ask if she just wants to talk or if she wants advice.”

11. Listen by welcoming emotion.
This one might be a bit out of your comfort zone, especially if your daughter emotes in extreme ways that push you outside your window of tolerance. The more you can hold your daughter’s emotional intensity and model the responses you’d like her to display (staying grounded, not getting angry, etc.), you’ll notice her nervous system will calm down as she co-regulates with you. This is how she will more quickly move from fight, flight, and freeze to emotional equilibrium.

12. Listen by removing distractions.
This means putting away your phone and setting down the remote. This means choosing a place to listen with as few distractions as possible. If you’re in a public place with sounds and sights all around you, practice disciplining yourself to keep your focus on your daughter’s face despite nudges to look and listen elsewhere.

There you have it: Your 12-step plan for expanding your capacity for becoming a skilled listener.

And in a world where there’s more voices shouting and significantly less listening, you as her dad will stand apart from all the noise by listening longer and stronger to your precious daughter.

And never forget that when you lead by listening, your love always wins.

Guys, Are We Afraid of Asking "Hard" Questions? (Guest Blog by Alex Gerber)

A few months ago I sent an email to Dr. Michelle with this question: “I was wondering...have you ever thought about applying your insights on dad-daughter relationships from ‘Let's Talk’ to a book about marriage? I've been finding your stuff in the ‘Let's Talk’ book to be incredibly helpful for my relationship with my daughters, and it also seems applicable to the marriage relationship too.” 

She immediately wrote back and said, “Wow...there’s an idea I haven’t thought of! I do often remind dads that their wife (or ex-wife) is a daughter too so all these things with their daughters also apply to marriage. I haven’t felt led to write a marriage book, but here’s an idea: What if you gave my book to 10 or 15 guys and then created a support group to apply the same principles to better understand and pursue the hearts of your wives.”

That’s all it took for me to reach out to 12 guys and ask if they would be willing to ask their wife this question: On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you?

There was a common thread in their initial responses: “That’s a hard question!”

Several were actually not sure if they really wanted to know the answer to this question. And some were afraid to even ask.

Perhaps we as men all hoped that if we asked, we would get at least an 8 or 9. But what if we got a 4 or a 5? How would that feel?

Now I have a question for you guys who are reading this: How would you respond if you got a low number response?

Would you be angry, upset, or defensive?
Would you be deeply wounded?
Would you blame her…or yourself…for the low score?

Or, would you be curious and say, “Please tell me more about why you scored me that way?” or “How can I improve my score?”

To be honest, I was afraid to ask.

Afraid of hard questions that might expose a broken connection.
Afraid of how my wife might answer.
But mostly, afraid because I knew our connection was damaged and I just didn't know how to “fix” it.

“Fixing" a low score, at least to me, involved doing something I thought needed to be done to solve the problem. Then even if she shared something good, if I missed the mark on how she needed to feel more connected to me, my “score” still probably wasn't going to improve.

I’ve realized that when I try harder and harder to “fix” it, we both end up feeling farther and farther away, disconnected. Then I end up even more afraid to ask the tough, difficult questions and more frustrated with where we are.

Asking “harder,” deeper, better questions about our relationships and about how we can improve can be intimidating. Yet it’s also very revealing.

But it is one key way to connect deeper to the heart of the woman and daughters we love.

And finding a way into that depth is essential, in my opinion, to building a strong, healthy connection with her.

I was encouraged recently when asking this same question to a larger group of approximately 50 men.

There were several who were curious to learn more about what their spouse (or girlfriend) might say and how they could connect better.

Even if they felt afraid, they asked. And then they shared the responses they heard. It was clear they wanted a better relationship and were interested in feedback on how to get there.

Guys, how can we move past fear?
How can we love well, listen curiously, and connect deeper?
And how will you know if you are connecting well unless you ask?

Are you ready to be an intentional, courageous man and jump into curiosity about how you are connecting with your wife (or girlfriend) and your daughters?

If you're reading this article through, I'm going to say, YES, YOU ARE!

A man who moves past fear and into the risk of deeper conversations will discover huge potential for discovery, intimacy, and growth.

Let's do this, dads!

Be amazed at the wonder you will uncover in asking and hearing the answer to this simple “hard” question.

Once again, here’s the question to ask your wife (or girlfriend): On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you…and how can I improve my score?

Ask it today, with a curious, humble heart.

Alex Gerber describes himself as "just a regular guy" who lives in Charleston, SC. He works as a home health physical therapist. He has two daughters Savannah (10) and Eloise (7). They enjoy “adventuring”, being outside, fossil hunting, and playing silly games. He enjoys running, surfing, hiking, camping, and being in nature. Also enjoys asking curious questions to learn and prompt deep thought.

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 2]

Hi Dad…

So how did your extra intentional REAL LIFE time with your daughter go these past two weeks? I trust that your daughter---and you---were willing to put your phones DOWN so that your mood and focus and mental health benefits could go UP!

As I wrote in my last blog, today is Part 2 of my review of Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s #1 New York Times bestseller, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Quick review of Part 1:

• Research confirms there are strong correlations between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents with PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

• A phone-based childhood leads to four significant issues: sleep deprivation, social deprivation, attention fragmentation, and addiction.

• Social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it!

• Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism.

Now let’s hear more from Dr. Haidt, a fellow GirlDad who is walking a similar road as you with your daughter.

I appreciate the way he creatively explains this dilemma of the mental health breakdown in children to fellow parents.

If a tech entrepreneur transported our children away from Earth to live on Mars, specifically without their parent’s consent, every mom and dad would be outraged. Yet in some ways that’s exactly what’s happened because our kids may not be on Mars, says Haidt, but they’re not fully present with us here anymore either. They’re floating in space without being grounded in relationships that require face to face connection.

And he cites that there is only one explanation for all of this: SMARTPHONES and DEVICES.

He continues:

“The Great Rewiring of Childhood, from play-based to phone-based, has been a catastrophic failure…Children thrive when they are rooted in real-world communities, not in disembodied virtual networks…” (p. 293).

So what can be done to bring reform to the adolescent mental health crisis that’s impacting your daughter?

Haidt says the place to begin is to significantly limit smartphone use in kids so our culture begins to embrace a new normal with parents leading the way. He calls for collective action and says if more parents band together in these proactive ways, it will turn the tide.

More specifically, he suggests: 

1. No smartphones before high school

2. No social media before age 16

3. Phone-free schools

4. Far more unsupervised play and childhood independence

Although this might literally seem impossible to institute with your daughter, the reality is that it can be done if you really want to do it. If you’re convinced that the very devices she’s holding in her hands are destroying her confidence and negatively impacting her mental health, what’s keeping you from addressing this head on?

Did you notice Haidt’s last point above about giving children more freedom to play and explore life in the real world without constant adult supervision? He says that sometimes parents are more concerned and vigilant about where their kids go and who they’re with in their outside world than where they go and who they’re with online and in cyberspace.

I know the idea of giving your daughter more freedom outside your home might be tough for many of you, but Haidt says that with practice in managing your own anxiety as a parent while releasing your daughter to grow, “the ultimate pleasure of being able to trust your child outweighs the temporary anxieties of letting go.” (p. 287).

By giving your daughter more unsupervised free play like you had at her age, along with ever-growing independence and responsibility, she will thrive and mature. And she’ll have you to process all she learns along the way while still at home. Remember too that she can’t give up her phone without something else to replace it.

These proactive solutions to our adolescent mental health crisis, according to Dr. Haidt, are achievable. If you want to see your daughter’s mental health improve and her anxiety and depression decrease, it’s time to take action. 

I’ll end with integrating Haidt’s suggestions with my own by sharing four ways you can raise your daughter to live an anxious-free life:

1. PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE
Initiate a digital detox for set periods of time and insist she do the same.
(Start small---like an hour or two---and then expand your time until you can live one day a week without your devices. Haidt encourages a “digital Sabbath” every week (p. 279). Expect to go through withdrawal, but it will get easier as you commit to technology-free time as a family---and it starts with you, Dad, setting the example. And make sure your kids turn their phones in and off every night before bed).

2. PLAY TOGETHER
Intentionally engage your daughter in face-to-face conversations and experiences with you and others.
(Haidt describes the “Let Grow Project” as an assignment where kids do something they’ve never done before on their own after reaching an agreement with parents on what it is. (p.265) Brainstorm together and write a list of new experiences she’d like to try—on her own or with you. Make sure they’re active and even service-oriented so she sees that she has something to give and offer others.)

3. POSITVE REINFORCEMENT
Refrain from expressing negativity as you encourage your daughter to try things that allow her to flex her wings.
(Be mindful to motivate your daughter with inspiration instead of indignation. She may be cranky as she does a digital detox so be gentle in this process. Avoid expressing fears, criticisms about what she’s not doing right, or potential doubts as to her abilities as she steps into real-world activities in brave new ways. Instead, applaud her willingness to learn as she grows).

4. PROCESS WITH HER.

Pursue regular conversations with her regarding what she’s learning about herself and the world around her as she rewires her brain.
(One way to educate your daughter on the neurological and mental health impacts associated with attachment to devices---and detachment from devices---is to ask how her online life is helping her reach her goals or blocking them. Better yet, read Haidt’s book with her to create a foundation for healthy interactions).

5. PRAY WITH HER.

Take time to intentionally join your daughter in talking to God about growing in developing healthier balance and rhythms with her screens. Even if praying out loud isn’t something you’re comfortable with or consider yourself skilled in doing, I encourage you to start with one or two sentences so your daughter hears her earthly father talking to her Heavenly Father about what’s going on in her life.

Dad, make it your goal to PLAY MORE with your daughter.

Encourage her to PLAY MORE in person with her friends.

Inspire her to RISK MORE while engaging in new activities where she doesn’t have to be perfect.

Establish limits so she’s retrained to be on her PHONE LESS (at home, school, etc.).

To review, here it is once again in a nutshell…

LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

My final encouragement to you, Dad, is to align with these wise words of Jonathan Haidt as you step into action with the things shared above: “Let’s bring our children home.” (p.293).

How The Anxious Generation is Influencing Your Daughter…and What You as Her Dad Can Do About It [Part 1]

I just reviewed a new book and it’s so powerful that I have to tell you about it!

And because there is so much power-packed information in it, I’m dividing my overview into two parts. Today is Part 1 and in two weeks I’ll share Part 2. I’m also giving you practical action steps at the end of this blog so you can engage your daughter in a proactive process of healing her brain and ultimately experience positive impacts to her mental and emotional health.

Now to the book. It’s a 2024 release and is already a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Written by psychologist and researcher, Dr. Jonathan Haidt, the title is, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.”

Before we dive into his book, let me ask you a couple of questions.

Question 1: If I offered you guaranteed success by doing ONE THING to increase in your daughter’s self-esteem while simultaneously decreasing her anxiety and depression, would you beg me to tell you what it is? Of course you would!

Today I’m going to share that one secret with you. Actually, Dr. Haidt is going to tell you his answer to that question. His astonishing, profound and life-changing findings literally boil down to ONE SPECIFIC THING that can make a huge significant difference in improving your daughter’s mental health.

If this seems too simplistic or too good to be true, keep reading and I’ll share more to back up his claims.

It’s also worth noting that Haidt is a GirlDad. He’s the father to two teenagers, one of them being a daughter. So this research is deeply personal to him.

Haidt wants you to know that the correlation between the epidemic rises in depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide among adolescents that began to spike in the early 2010’s has a root cause. Through his extensive research he’s concluded that this is primarily due to PHONE-based childhoods that have replaced PLAY-based childhoods.

[Haidt uses the term “phone-based” broadly to include all internet-connected personal electronics that fill time, including laptop computers, tablets, video game consoles, and smartphones with millions of apps].

Question 2: Would you have ever imagined that your maturing daughter would forget how to play? As you remember back to when she was a toddler, you didn’t have to teach her how to play; it was intuitive and instinctual. Yet now there’s been a complete reversal where children are less inclined to explore and experience adventures in a real-world community; instead, they’re being conditioned to sit down and look down while scrolling or “playing” on their devices, often in isolation.

This not only is having a disastrous impact on our kids, but Haidt adds that “it doesn’t have to be that way; we can regain control of our own minds….and this book is for anyone who wants to understand how the most rapid rewiring of human relationships and consciousness in human history has made it harder for all of us to think, focus, forget ourselves enough to care about others, and build closer relationships.” (p.17).
He continues by describing four foundational areas of harm that the anxious generation, also known as Gen Z (born after 1995), has experienced due to having a phone-based childhood:

1. Sleep deprivation

2. Social deprivation

3. Attention fragmentation

4. Addiction

I imagine you’d like to read more about each of these things as you consider how they’re impacting your daughter…and possibly yourself. You’ll have to get the book to learn more, but for now, let’s keep going.

This next point is specifically for you as a GirlDad.

Haidt states that social media use for girls doesn’t just correlate with mental illness (namely anxiety and depression), but actually causes it! [WOW…that’s ground-breaking information, wouldn’t you agree?]

He cites empirical evidence to confirm four reasons why girls are more vulnerable than boys when it comes to the influence of social media:

1. Girls are more affected by visual social comparison and perfectionism

2. Girls aggression is more relational (“The way to really hurt another girl is to hit her in her relationships” where “indirect aggression includes damaging other people’s relationships or reputations.” p. 158).

3. Girls more easily share emotions and disorders

4. Girls are more subject to predators and harassment

Dad, this is important for you to know because your daughter is being devoured by the impact of social media, whether she admits it or not.

Especially in pre-adolescence and adolescence when she begins being influenced more by peers, she is susceptible to negative voices that can lead her to disconnect from her own self worth and identity. This is when she begins comparing herself to others more while being overpowered with distorted fears and projections, beliefs and assumptions that can lead her away from being her authentic self.

I’ll be sharing more insights next week from Jonathan Haidt’s book, but for now, I want to ask you as a dad:

1. Are you willing to stand up and contend for your daughter’s mental and emotional health by letting her push against---and then follow----your limits regarding significantly less smartphone use?

THEN…

1. Are you willing to invest more of your personal time and energy to engage her in REAL life activities with you and others that invite her into REAL relationships? (which includes REAL drama and challenges and heartache and forgiveness and love and connection and fun and laughter…and all the things!)

To summarize, here it is in a nutshell…

Bottom line: LESS SCREEN TIME + MORE REAL-WORLD TIME =

LESS ANXIETY, LESS DEPRESSION, LESS SELF HARM, LESS SUICIDALITY,
and MORE CONFIDENCE + GREATER SELF ESTEEM.

ACTION STEP: Between now and two weeks from now, invite your daughter into an activity that’s new or that both of you already enjoy doing together. And one requirement is that there are NO PHONES ALLOWED (unless it’s to take a few pics along the way…but make sure to turn off your ringer and notifications so there are NO DISTRACTIONS).

For extra credit: Do one activity each week…so this means you’ll do TWO ACTIVITIES with her in the next two weeks. Write and tell me about it because I love sharing these milestones with you.

This is how you’ll begin to the turn the tide in a more positive direction as your daughter puts her phone DOWN and experiences her mood and perspective moving UP!

Two Vitally Important Questions to Ask Yourself to Start the New Year Strong

Happy New Year, Dads!

As we hit the ground running in these first days of January, I want confirm that I’m here with renewed passion and commitment to encourage you in your fathering goals.

And whether you’re wired to make resolutions for the new year…or not…I believe you’ll benefit from taking a few minutes to ask yourself TWO QUESTIONS to set your course as a dad in 2025.

Quick backstory: This week I was talking with my friend, Ron Hauenstein, who founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) and he recently wrote a guest blog for us (so you might recognize his name). Ron shared something powerful that I want to pass along to you.

He asked the guys in his group to WRITE RESPONSES to two questions:

1.  What are the three most important changes I want to see in MYSELF in the next six months?

2. What are the three most important changes I want to see in MY CIRCUMSTANCES in the next six months?

I love the fact that these questions are introspective and invite us to look within ourselves rather than hanging our expectations for change on those around us---be it our kids, spouse, work environment, etc.

And secondly, the KEY is to WRITE what you want to see happen in yourself and your circumstances. Research confirms that putting goals into writing and seeing what you’ve written will increase the effectiveness of reaching your goals.

Finally, place your written or typed words in a prominent place as a reminder of your intention, goals, wishes, and mindset.

And though these two questions don’t specifically mention your role as a dad, we all know that as you grow and change, your daughter (and son) will enjoy the benefits and rewards of your proactive changes and positive decisions.

Ron told me that “the most predominant change the men want to see in themselves is better emotional control, followed by boosting self-worth.” So how about you, Dad? What is the most predominant change you want to see in your life this year?

I’d love for you to share with me your responses to the two questions above as a way to accentuate your goals with accountability.

We’ve all got lots of work to do. I’m so glad we’re all on the same team!

10 Ways to End the Year Well with Your Daughter

10 Ways to End the Year Well with Your Daughter
 
As we come to the end of 2024, I want you to know---from my heart to yours---that it’s been an honor to stand with you in your fathering journey this year…through blogs, The Dad Whisperer Podcast, my books, and even in personal coaching sessions. Thank you for listening to me, trusting me and letting me partner with you as I seek to champion you in your role as a GirlDad.
 
Yet before we turn the page to the new year, I encourage you to look back and consider where you’ve grown and evaluate where you still need to grow. This is what ‘ending well’ looks like in action.
 
As fathers, you often find yourselves in a race against time. And especially as your daughter matures and you see time slipping through your fingers, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed, perhaps even discouraged, where you feel like you’re not doing enough or can never make up for lost time.
 
I use a two-word phrase with my clients A LOT. They are: END WELL.
 
We all know that endings are a part of life---whether it’s ending a year in school or ending a job or ending a dating relationship, etc.. Yet it can be easy sometimes to focus more on what’s ahead than looking back to evaluate, reconsider or celebrate.
 
This brings up a question: Does ending one thing well hinder or support the next thing starting better…or worse?
 
I would argue that ending well is paramount to starting the next chapter with more capacity and focus, hope and optimism.
 
In my desire to come alongside you as you end 2024 well and look ahead to 2025, here’s your action-oriented assignment, should you dare to accept it!
 
Print out this blog and next to each of these 10 items, write down where you’ve succeeded in reaching your goals with your daughter this past year. Then write one specific way you will commit to grow in each of these areas in 2025 as you invest in pursuing your daughter’s heart with even more intention.

1. Emotional Availability
How have I done with honoring her feelings and emotions while being in touch with my own?

2. Respect Her Growing Independence
How am I doing with encouraging her to take risks and try new things without discouraging or criticizing her, even when the results are less than either of us hoped?

3. Creating Moments of Connection
How have I leaned into initiating or seizing opportunities to connect with her as opposed to a more of an avoidant or passive stance?

4. Celebrating Her Achievements, Big and Small
How am I vocalizing encouragement and positive support, even when she considers her attempt to be a failure or less than perfect?

5. Patience and Anger Control
How am I doing in ‘dropping my anger’ so patience leads the way rather than intense expressions of irritation and/or disappointment?

6. Initiating Spiritual Conversations and Experiences
How have I purposefully engaged her in praying together, talking about God, growing her spiritual practices, making wise decisions, strengthening her moral character, facilitating time with her faith community, etc.?

7. Strengthening Communication
How am I establishing more frequent, vulnerable and honest conversations where she knows she is safe to process, feel and receive quality input from me?

8. Listening More Intently
How am I doing with growing my listening skills with a goal to listen twice as much as I talk (two ears/one mouth), all the while making sure she’s expressed herself fully before I offer advice, input, or consequences?

9. Expressing Unconditional Love
How often is she hearing me confirm there’s nothing she can ever do to diminish my love for her? (The Five Love Languages provide a concrete template---words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, touch, gifts).

10. Model Healthy Relationships and Boundaries
How is my daughter learning from watching me---in how to relate to others, set limits with money or alcohol or ministry or time, the way I treat her mom, do my job, live out my work ethic, relationships with friends, etc.

Ending well with your daughter this year isn’t about a single conversation, or a specific moment—it’s about being aware that she’s watching and learning and yearning for your approval and positive investment in her life.

By being intentional in how you show love, as well as respect and support her, you’ll ensure that your bond remains strong into next year and beyond.

By ending 2024 well, you’re setting the foundation for a powerful and meaningful 2025. I look forward to staying connected in 2025…see you then!

Put Your Love In Writing (a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!)

Merry Christmas Dad! I know we’re all pressed for time as we get closer to December 25th, so I’m meeting you where you’re at with a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!

If you want to give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.