And this position of humility has to start with you, Dad.
I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and do whatever you need to do on your end to begin moving towards make amends today.
If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.
But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.
And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.
Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.
If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:
1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.
“I know I hurt you with my words. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you need?”
2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.
“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”
3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).
(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”
I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.
Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.
It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:
Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you.
Pray for her and for yourself; be specific.
Write a letter to her (that you may or may not give her) that lets you connect with your heart.
Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:
One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.
Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re actually building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.
No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.