Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

Trick or Treat:  A New Spin on Fathering

With today being Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog.  So here goes!

Dressing up in costumes for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was a little girl.  And because costumes were mostly homemade back then, in the 60’s and 70’s, I ended up as a Bohemian girl more years than I can count since it was an easy one to throw together.  Big colorful skirt.  Check.  Scarf covered with plastic coins on head.  Check.  Red Lipstick.  Check.  Black beauty mark on chin.  Check.  And voila…I was ready to head out the door to get my fill of candy.

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween but the other 364 as well.  Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven children, he grew up with two significant and defining variables: 1. extreme poverty, and 2. an alcoholic dad.  Among other things, those two realities resulted in him fending for himself much of the time.  

He has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those about costumes he created on his own, ranging from a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box.  Yes, you heard me right.  As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween!  In it he cut holes for his arms and legs and one for his head, then drew buttons on the front. I admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story, but I then I honestly applauded him for his ingenuity as an elementary kid who had to navigate creating a costume all by himself.

This brings me to the topic for today on fathering.  Stated simply: dialed-in dads join into the things that their kids care about; checked-out dads don’t.  

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations, both my dad and I made choices for our Halloween outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents.  I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child. 

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version and others get the “treat.”  

And because I’m an advocate for fathers and one who seeks to clarify what we daughters need from our dads, I want to organize this concept a bit more so that you hear my support of you if you choose to give your all.  

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.  

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• put his needs before hers on a regular basis
• teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are "less than"
• tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell
• criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she's going to turn out the same way
• use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence
• contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn
• make her never trust God the Father because she can't trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news.  Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her. 

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• tell her every day not only that he loves her but why he loves her
• notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her
• provide for her needs

• sometimes buy things for no special reason other than to reinforce her value

• love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• affirm her positive qualities

• gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as a Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad.

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you’ll be.  

You get to choose whether you’ll be a dad who tricks or treats his daughter. I pray that today you will choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she can believe that she is both a treat and a treasure. 

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “Bring on the treats!” 

Sometimes I Feel Sorry for God: My Guest Post at EmilyWeirenga.com

I'm thrilled to have been asked to guest post for Emily Weirenga today. Here's a little preview--but be sure to head to her beautiful blog to read the rest!

"If God the Father asked if you’d like him to send Jesus to hang out with you in your living space for a few days, what would you say?  I know I’d say yes in a heartbeat.

 I think having Jesus here might work a bit like a “refresh” button on a computer where everything that’s stuck would get updated so that it would work properly again.

 I think it would help make a sometimes ethereal God feel more tangible and real, don’t you? He would go from being unseen to seen, untouchable to touchable.

 I could even imagine the two of us sitting on cushy chairs in my living room talking for hours about things that are too complex to really understand in theory---like how he makes a baby in just nine months where all the intricate parts somehow miraculously come together.

Place that scenario in your left hand while I invite you to hold another in your right..."

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Sugar and Spice: The Secret to Fathering Two Very Different Kinds of Daughters

I had the most delightfully random encounter this past weekend. I met a woman whose vim and vigor were contagious and our interaction ended up inspiring me to look at things through a different lens.

Here’s the story. I was sitting at a table outside a grocery store in Central Oregon soaking up the last bit of sunshine at the tail end of our Indian summer when the smell of barbecue began to waft my way. Before I knew it I was in conversation with a local culinary expert who clearly expressed her enjoyment of awakening the palates of regulars and strangers alike.

Soon I discovered that Kelly (a.k.a. the “BBQ Queen” as her name tag aptly stated) has been barbecuing at this one place for 19 years. I can confidently say that I have never in my life met anyone who has been so passionately invested in and excited about barbecue…EVER. All I can say is that her enthusiasm definitely rubbed off on me!

That’s all it took for her to open up and divulge some of her tasty secrets. “The way to get the best barbecue is to have equal parts of brown sugar and vinegar. Most people get it wrong with too much of one or too much of the other.  It’s got to be 50% sweet and 50% tangy. That’s all there is to it!”  

And with that, she was off.

Silly as it may sound, I have been chewing on her words all week. But my thoughts haven’t been about spare ribs or tri-tip. They’ve been about fathers and daughters.

I wonder if the same principle for good barbecue could apply to personality types in girls. I don’t quite know how it all breaks down but I tend to think there’s an even 50-50 split between the “sweet” ones and the “tangy” ones.  

Both are necessary to make our world function and thrive, and neither is better than the other. Just different. Complimentary opposites, I guess you could say.  

This leads me to ask the question:  Do fathers validate their “sweet” daughters as much as their “tangy” ones?

As a “tangy” daughter I can tell you that I often wished I was sweeter and kinder, more mellow and less reactive, more go-with-the-flow and pleasant. But the reality is that I popped out like this. Lots of zest and panache (which is a fancy way of saying drama and opinions)! Sometimes it’s been a good thing and sometimes it’s been a bit much…both for me and for my dad.

All of this pondering about girls and individual temperaments brings to mind a nursery rhyme I heard a lot growing up in the 60’s:

Sugar and spice and everything nice,

that’s what little girls are made of.

Snips and snails and puppy dog tales,

that’s what little boys are made of.

Though at the time this little jingle seemed cute and harmless, I realize now that it subtly planted seeds about what it meant to be a “nice little girl.” Add in the fact that positive responses from the general public seem to cater more to the “surgery” types than to those with a bit more “spice” and I can say that it left me often not knowing how to understand myself, let alone like myself.

So if we use the barbecue theory as a working template on fathering daughters, it means that 50% of you are raising “sweet” girls while the other 50% are rearing “tangy” ones.  And because your daughters see themselves in the reflection of you as their mirror it is vitally important that you let each of them know that both sugar and spice are what balances out life and makes the world go round.

Dad, your daughter will believe what you tell her about herself (and what you imply without words). If you have a “sweet” daughter you most likely find her easy to lead, and you enjoy her delightful qualities. That’s all well and good. It’s beautiful and wonderful.

But especially for those of you who father a more “spicy” female, make sure to validate and encourage her uniqueness, one with zip and pizzazz, letting her know that she truly does distinctively enhance the atmosphere around her (even if at times she pushes every button in you).

Let your daughter know that there are famous complimentary opposites everywhere you look. Help her understand that both have a place in the universe and both have equal value:

salt and pepper

sun and moon

fear and courage

cookies and milk

Dad, why not use all of this data as a launching pad for inspiration to intentionally speak positive, affirming words into your “sweet” and your “tangy” daughters every day for the next seven days.

Let each one know that her unique combination of savory flavors enhance your life in ways that make her one-of-a-kind blend just the “taste” you love. Text her right now and tell her!

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How to Damage Your Daughter in One Easy Step

I met a young dad today who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter.  His face lit up and his eyes smiled as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve recently written a book to dads about daughters he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Make sure to always drop your anger.  Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close up her spirit.”

Though my 20 seconds were up, he was all ears.  So I kept going.

“Just like Malachi 4:6 and Luke 1:17 both say, it’s all about turning your heart and not just your head towards your daughter.  In fact, God says that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children that He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my response was too negative. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what TO do instead of what NOT to do. 

But on second thought, the reality is that my reflexive, intuitive response was based on three and a half decades of interacting with girls and young women.  I’ve heard more stories of heart hurts from dad’s anger than anything else.  I knew I had to speak boldly and honestly in an attempt to plant this seed in his heart and mind early.

Here are five main ways that a dad’s anger impacts his daughter: 

• Your anger destroys her spirit.
• Your anger shuts her down.
• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
• Your anger causes her to give up.
• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.

My belief is that every one of you dads wants the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.  

You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core.  You want her be all of who she is created to be, coming from a deep knowledge that she is loved and worthy of being loved with the ultimate expression being that she is able to share her love with the world.

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad:  The only way your daughter will achieve this goal is for you to stay the course consistently, daily. 

• Instruct her without anger.
• Discipline her without anger.
• Dialogue with her without anger.
• Disagree with her without anger.
• Lead her without anger.

Choose today to set a new course by determining that when triggered you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding.  Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends.  Ask forgiveness. This is also a heart healing, heart restorative move.

Here’s how I know this can be done:  If you were offered a million dollars to stop being harsh for a week or a month or a year, you would be motivated to do it, right?.  Your daughter is your million dollar investment!

Make a covenant with your mouth not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward.  

Instead, be the life-breathing, positive voice in her head that motivates and inspires her because there’s nothing better than a daughter who she knows in the depths of her being that her dad is FOR her!

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Daddy, Daddy...Watch Me!

Today I went on a run and something unusual happened. 

A woman with two little dogs on leashes (here in Oregon we are a big pro-canine state where most citizens attend very well to the needs of their fluffy and furry friends) had just stopped to give them a breather when she saw me and enthusiastically called out, “Wow...you are a fast runner!" 

I was stunned but kept going, only then to have few clumsy words tumble out of my mouth in response, "Oh, bless your heart.”

You've got to understand. I am not a fast runner. Okay, maybe if you put me up against a first grader I might be considered fast. But that’s about it, even on a good day.

I actually started jogging the summer after my senior year of high school. Even still I only run in very small doses, three times a week at best. And sometimes when the weather is bad I decide I’m not in the mood and then take the whole week off. This simply translates to the fact that I don’t invest much time into this sport and consequently I’m a bit slow on the draw. That’s why today was a first.  

I noticed how the empowering words from a complete stranger had a very powerful impact on my energy, my mood, and my stride.  And as her words echoed repeatedly in my head after jetting past her, I not only started telling myself that I must be a fast runner if this lady said I was, but I literally started running with slightly increased speed! 

The result is that I embodied her observation. 

There really is something robust and potent in positive words spoken, even random observatory words from a bystander.  

This got me thinking back to when I was a little girl.  I remember wanting my dad to be the one to notice that I was running fast or doing something that required an extra dose of physical strength or stamina.  I wanted him to watch and be proud of me.  Those two things always went hand in hand. 

There was and continues to be something about my dad applauding me while declaring that I am fast and strong that seems to make it more valid. I thrive on his belief in me even when I don’t believe in myself.

Why is it that when a dad sees and affirms something that it’s worth a triple word score?  I don’t know why that is but it’s got to be written down somewhere in the fathering handbook.

I think it must have to do with the fact that because dads are strong and invincible, if dad says it’s true then it has to be true. Let me say it another way: if the strongest and mightiest and most physically powerful member of the family affirms my strength and prowess, then maybe there’s a little bit of that in me.  Maybe it means that I’m strong and powerful too.

Summing up, here’s what we as your daughters need from you Dad:

• We need you to watch us lift things that are heavy and endure things that are hard. 
• We need you to show up, watch us, and cheer us on.
• We need you to tell us that we can do it.
• We need you to see us grow and succeed, try and fail, fall down and get up again. 
• We need you to be proud of us…through the entire process.
• We need you not to expect perfection.
• We need you to know that we hear your voice from the stands (literally and figuratively).
• We need you to know that your absence shouts as loudly as your presence.
• We need you to believe in us when we’ve lost our way, helping us find our way back home.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, this one says it all. Here is my friend Jay actively engaging with his precious daughter Ava. Both the picture and his corresponding words melt my heart: “Her biggest weapon on the field is laughter.” 

When seeing this picture I can’t help but add: “How incredible that he’s close enough to hear.”  

Dad, getting close can be a mixed bag. One time it will be her anger and another time tears.  The next, brilliant insights followed with thought-provoking questions (that may push buttons…for both of you). Yet right around the corner you’ll be sprinkled with her laughter, often when you least expect it. That’s when you’ll be glad you scooted close.

Cheering from the stands is well and good.  But always make sure you’re close enough to hear.

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Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

I often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated and complex, confusing and unpredictable. Believe it or not, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem! 

My decoding strategy for you is coming to you straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships.  Of course you know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s nothing better than learning from the best!

Here are five “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.  

(And if you don’t want to read further and just want a one-step plan, I would say to be gentle, soft, and calm.  And yes, those ARE manly words, I assure you, because only a strong man can accomplish this…it’s hard!).

Here goes:  There were two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse.  

Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.  

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. 

1.  He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2.  He says her name twice….gently and lovingly. 

There’s something calming when any of us hear our name.  And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3.  He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism.  Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up.  So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.”  He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4.  He highlights all that is on her life plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task.  That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time!  Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion.  Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions.  Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down.  How kind of him to notice.  If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood. 

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.”  The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her.  When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time.  Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up:  When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent, move towards her and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.”  Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one thing.  

I know it’s easier said than done but these five things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity.  And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.

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10 Things Dialed-In Dads Don't Do

Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done.  Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words she was easier to track with.  But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants…and words!  That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.  

As a way to support your deep desire to truly dial in to your daughter’s heart, here are a few things that I’ve learned along the way, ten land mines to avoid if you want to raise a healthy, vibrant, loving, and spirited daughter.  

Here’s what not to do and say if you really want to be a fantastic dad:

1. Tell her she’s too emotional

The reality is that as women we have 11% more neurons in our brain centers involved in hearing and language as compared to men, leading us oftentimes to be better skilled at expressing emotions. I’ve even read that women retain emotional memories more vividly than men do, which serves as another piece of the puzzle when it comes to you as a dad honoring the wiring of your daughter, particularly when it comes to emotional responses.

2.  Require her to talk calmly and rationally in order to communicate with you

I do understand that most men “flood” [a.k.a. zone out] when there is too much emotion coming at you because it feels like you need to fix and have the answers.  However, the more you can be a sounding board as your daughter vents and expresses, the more of a gift you are to her.  When we can talk and express while feeling our emotions, the more calm we will automatically become as a result.  Just remember that you don’t have to fix it.  Listening to her is the best gift you can give.

3.  Criticize her

There’s a difference between choosing certain times to correct or discipline and putting her down or highlighting the things she’s doing wrong.  One researcher talks about the concept of a “Love Bank,” saying there needs to be five deposits to every one withdrawal to make a relationship strong.  If you have something that needs to be addressed, be sure and pack a lot of positive, life-breathing, encouraging statements around your corrections and it will have a much higher success rate of responsiveness.  Remember the 5:1 ratio…daily.

4.  Tease her about her weight or any part of her body

I understand that guys tend towards teasing each other about body parts and it’s no big deal.  Not with us girls.  We remember things that are said, even in jest, forever.  Everything. Make sure to never, ever, under any circumstances tease her about her weight, her size (breast size, pant size, etc), or any imperfections on her body.  Those words will stay with her long after they’re said.  And even if she seems to laugh it off, those reminders of her flaws are hurtful and will most likely lead to less self-confidence, a negative body image, and possibly lead to an eating disorder. 

5.  Put her mother down

Whether you’re still married or divorced, when you demean, criticize, or speak negatively about your daughter’s mom, you are essentially criticizing her. She will hear it as you saying that you think she will turn out the same way.  Because every daughter sees herself as some sort of reflection of the woman who brought her into the world, she uses mom as a reference point for understanding herself.  Look for the positives in mom and point them out to your daughter.

6.  Think your actions behind closed doors don’t matter or are inconsequential

We’ve all heard the adage, “do as I say, not as I do.”  But really, who is kidding who here? As a dad, just remember that the choices you make when no one is looking are the things that define you and measure your integrity. Let your actions on and off the court be filled with self-respect if you want your daughter to live out her morals, beliefs, and values as well.  Let me say it another way:  Be the man you want her to marry.  It starts with you, dad.

7.  Forget her birthday

Each of us has an innate desire to be known and even celebrated.  But simultaneously we as girls don’t always feel we’re worth the party.  This is where you as her dad come in.  Your investment of time, energy, and money tells her that she’s worthy, valued, and loved.  Make sure to join in the celebration on her birthday because it shouts, “I’m glad you were born!”

8.  Compare her to her siblings

Although it might slip out of your mouth, try and avoid ever saying, “Why can’t you be more like…”  You see, we girls compare ourselves to everyone else without prompting.  So if you add to that reality, it only adds more fuel to an already existing fire.  Make sure to let her know that she’s one of a kind even though much of the time she may feel like she’s one in a million.  Let her know she’s unique and beautiful just because she’s herself.  

9.  Speak in anger

If I had a quarter for all the times I’ve heard daughters, most often with tears running down their cheeks, tell me about the wounding that has been experienced as a result of dads anger, I’d be rich.  Words spoken in anger do the most damage to a daughter’s heart over anything else I hear from girls about their relationship with their dads. If you want to have your daughter’s heart stay open to you, make a contract with yourself to never speak in anger to her again because it destroys her spirit and her soul.  Take a time out to cool off and come back when you’re calm.  You’ll never regret waiting to speak.

10.  Give monetary gifts rather than yourself

In a world where life seems to be increasingly speeding up faster, it can be easy to give things more than yourself to your daughter.  Remember that she wants and needs you, your heart, your attention, and your time more than any monetary thing.  You, dad, are the gift.  And when you give her you, it communicates to her that she is worthy of your attention and focus.  Any notes you write her will become treasures.  Don’t be surprised if she saves them forever.  Why?  Because your view of her matters more than all the rest…honest!

Let me end by saying that this backwards template is designed to put a creative twist on this concept of being a focused, dialed-in, intentional and consistent dad.  I’d love to hear back from you as you put these concepts into practice.  Write me and tell me your stories at drmichellewatson@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or @mwatsonphd on Twitter.

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Mask Off Monday

I just had what I would call a life-changing conversation with a friend I haven’t seen in years.  She and I go back to 4th grade, and we reconnected at a wedding reception recently.  Though we’ve been Facebook friends for years, we haven’t had face time in longer than I can remember.

Our conversation was so significant that it spurred me into a super sized paradigm shift.  Here’s the backstory to how “Mask Off Monday” was birthed just a month ago.

My friend and I were only minutes into the usual how’ve-you-been-and-what’s-new-with-you dialogue when she sadly whispered that she was in the middle of a divorce.  She then held up three fingers.  I’d forgotten that she now had three painful stories of marriages gone awry. 

It was then that the conversation took an abrupt right turn when she uttered these four now infamous words:  “I want your life.”

She went on to tell me that it seems like we all envy everyone else’s “Facebook life.”  Touché.  I’ve had the same thought more times than I can count.  Dratted green monster.

After telling her how sorry I was for her current heartache, I continued:

“I honestly do love my life, but the reality is that for the bulk of this weekend I have been a crabby pants. I’ve been a bit maxed this week, which resulted in being overly sensitive to things that normally wouldn't throw me. I’ve been irritable, short, and down in the dumps the last three days, in between the happy pictures you’ve seen on Facebook.”

You see, I’d gotten my hair cut two days earlier and didn’t like how it turned out.  It was shorter than I had wanted and I couldn’t seem to get out of my funk over it.  I kept telling myself it was only hair but that didn’t seem to turn things around. 

After telling my friend the real backstory to my weekend, the one that I couldn’t really capture on film (since it’s hard to take a picture of crabby), I came home and decided to invite everyone I knew to join me in what I named “Mask Off Monday.”  

Here’s what I posted on my wall:

Okay. After hearing from so many of you tonight, I got an idea. What if we started MASK OFF MONDAY where we all had one day a week where we choose to be vulnerable and honest and messy and needy with our blemishes and imperfections and insecurities exposed, not because someone exploits us but because we choose to let the guard down and take the mask off. What if we all started banding together and took one day a week to present our less than perfect lives to each other. Who's in?  #maskoffmonday

The line that has been repeatedly ringing in my ears since this writing is: “our less than perfect lives.”

I speak for myself when I say that I post pictures that are happy and positive and influential and stylish.  I delete the ones that reveal the flaws, the bumps, and the bulges.  I’m embarrassed to admit it but I do.  Truth be told, I love that I live in a world with hair color and concealer, trash icons and delete buttons.

Back to the original story.  The very next day after my challenge went out, the pictures and stories began rolling in.  Kendra started it off with her delightfully atrocious kitchen counter that was full of dirty dishes and an overly full un-emptied dishwasher as a sidekick.  Alex then posted a picture of her laundry pile that looked like it could win a contest for it’s height and depth! Before long Debi posted a picture she had planned to delete but then accepted the challenge and posted it, makeup off, less than perfect. A couple of guys even wrote in to affirm the challenge.

Then there’s beautiful Brooke. Here’s what she posted, along with her awesome, untouched selfie:

So I love what @michellejwatson has been doing called "mask off Mondays". This is a challenge to post every Monday something very imperfect about our lives since we usually try and do the opposite (or at least we don't choose to post things on social media that we aren't super stoked about am I right?) so today I had a last minute errand I realized I needed to run and had to leave immediately. I didn't have time to put on makeup and packed it up to take with me and ended up running out of time before class to put it on...I was upset about it until I just made a decision to purposefully go without it today. This makes me super self conscious, I don't wear a ton to begin with but when I don't have eye makeup on people always ask me if I'm ok or if I'm sick lol. So today is my literal mask off Monday. I'm gonna hold my head high all day today though! Take it or leave it, this is me.   

All this to say:  Are you in?  Want to join me, Kendra, Alex, Debi, and Brooke in posting pictures of your authentic, imperfect, vulnerable self?  

Whether on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook, use #maskoffmonday and join the movement!

I do have pictures I could post of the ugly lypoma that’s growing under my left arm or my recent wardrobe malfunction at a friends dance party.  But in order to use modesty while also leading with vulnerability, I’ll submit today’s early morning selfie series (complete with green balls that look like they’re coming out of my head!)

Let’s band together and make it fun to take off our masks. If we all do it together, unedited can become the new beautiful.  

much love, Michelle

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Giveaway Time!

Hello dear readers!

It's time for me to start giving away some of these books of mine that were just released (click here if you want to get up to speed and check out my book on Amazon), but I want to make this a little more fun.  Whether you're reading this as a father, a daughter, a mother, a brother, a grandpa or aunt, a grandma or uncle, you can take part in this and have a little fun with me.

I'd like to propose a trade.  I will be giving away 2 books (one to each winner) to 2 people who tell me a memory they have with their dad.  There aren't really many rules, but here are the few:

1. It must be a real memory or example of something you love about your dad or a father-figure in your life. 

2. You must post what you love about your dad to Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, with the hashtag #daddaughterbook.  If you're not hashtag or social media savvy, click the letter icon on the top right of the screen to email me directly.  

That's it - those are the only rules!  The contest runs until Friday 9/26 and you'll be notified directly if you win.  Just imagine...if you win this book, you could read it and pass it on to any dads or father-figures in your life now - what a gift that could be to them!

Good luck, have fun, and let the stories roll!

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How to Connect with Your Daughter

A friend of mine just sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake it Off.’  The title of it reads:  “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone.  What They Did?  Prepare to Smile.”  

The blurb says that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite.  He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget.  It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy.  The write-up ends by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl's lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

I have no doubt it will go viral.  Why?  Because every woman who sees it will share it with all of her friends and every smile will come from projecting herself onto the screen.  Let me say it another way:  Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that dads aren’t equally impacted by this video, I happened to mention it yesterday to former Abba Project dad Mike and he had actually watched it earlier in the day.  I asked why he watched it.  “I wanted to see the connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” 

There it is.  Connection. Daughter.  Heart. 

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive?  I want more do-overs with my kids.  I want to be present.”

There’s something powerful about a dad being present in the moment that is the best way to connect with his daughter.  

So just in case you want an action plan to make deeper connection happen, I’ll share five keys to being a connected dad:

1. ALLY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART
There is so much in life that is against; be the man who is for. Being her heart ally means truly listening to her needs and wants, then choosing to engage with her around the things she enjoys.  It’s not even about meeting her half way.  It’s about going the extra mile towards her even if she doesn’t come your way, seeking to understand life through her eyes.  And the best measure of success will come when you see her respond as you intentionally and consistently pursue her, all the while softening your responses with validating more than lecturing.

2. ANGER DROPPED

If you were to walk up and ask, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about how to be the best dad I can be to my daughter, what would it be?”  Without hesitation I would say:  Stop venting your anger at her.

Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.             

Your anger makes her give up. 

Your anger makes her believe that she is unloveable, unworthy and not worth loving.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.  Enough said.

3. ASK QUESTIONS

As we all know, there are questions that get to the heart of a person and there are questions used to interrogate and intimidate.  To accomplish the former, it invites the question: How do you ask good questions to pace with your daughter while she talks?  

Here’s an easy solution to this dilemma.  All you have to do is provide a follow-up question using the exact word or words that she just used in her last sentence. 

Start with a general question:  “How was your day at school?

She answers, “fine.” (by the way, on Venus we call this is a non-answer answer!)

Then ask, “What about it was fine?”

She answers, “Well, this really hot guy smiled at me in math.”                    
Follow with, “What about him is hot?” 

This will require a ton of active listening.  But that’s a vital part of connecting so I know you’re all about making that happen.

4. ANSWER WITH: “I’M WONDERING”

This tool has been described by dads in The Abba Project as “the #1 greatest help in opening up communication with our daughters.”  All you have to do is add these two little words to the beginning of any question you ask her.

Andy used to ask his 17-year old daughter, “Why aren’t you going to school today?”  Every time it ended the same:  her wall went up and she barked her response. Figuring he had nothing to lose he tried it and instead asked, ‘I’m wondering…why aren’t you going to school today?”  And miraculously she started talking. Andy came back to the group and enthusiastically announced, “I couldn’t believe it worked!”

5. AFFIRM, Affirm, Affirm
I heard an Abba Project dad recently say, “I never thought what I said mattered that much.”  Oh contraire. I’m here to tell you that YOU are a KEY to your daughter’s well-being and confidence.  One affirmation from you could offset an entire horrible, no good, very bad day.

In fact, the overriding themes in research strongly support that children who feel connected to their fathers do better in school, achieve higher grades, experience less depression, display greater self-esteem, report lower rates of suicide, and on it goes.  Basically, I’m here to implore you to be the life-breathing voice in her head. Your voice will ring in her mind long after you speak.  You can never affirm and encourage enough.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember:  the most important part in all of this is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter…

It’s not about being perfect.  It’s about being present.

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