Dear Theresa...(My Letter to a Fatherless Daughter)

Meeting you this past weekend changed me. You are extraordinary. You are courageous and fierce. You are a warrior. And at only 15 years old you are a heroine in my eyes.

Hearing your story about your dad leaving years ago and not looking back touches me deeply. I am still grieving with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend who seems to have captured his gaze rather than seeing you makes me sad with you and for you.

I’m not just sad for the here and now impact to your heart, but I’m worried that you might end up believing that you aren’t beautiful enough to capture a guy’s attention. Please don’t ever settle for anyone who makes you feel less than the exquisite gift that you are.

Hearing that your dad hasn’t called you for two birthdays in a row but that you’ve had to call him makes my heart ache with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad does things with your brother and not you leaves me feeling emotionally heavy because you are most likely internalizing a message that you are lacking, that you are not valuable, and that you aren’t worthy of his time. I hurt with you and for you.

Hearing that you and your mom now live in a homeless shelter as a result of all this, where you have to navigate public transit across vast areas of the city due to being uprooted and displaced renders me almost speechless, with an intense combination of dismay and anger. I’m overwhelmed with you and for you.

Hearing that you still long for a relationship with your dad who seems to have forgotten you brings me to tears for you.

I know you said that you stopped crying years ago. But I felt your tears deeper than your words, tucked just behind the internal valve where you shut them off awhile back. Please know that your tears are a sign that you are alive and real, that you have a precious heart that feels deep. Don’t interpret crying as a sign that you are weak and pathetic.

You, my dear, are strong and brave because you are still upright. You are strong and brave because you aren’t bitter. You are strong and brave because you get up every day and go to school and have relationships and love God and embrace people. You are strong and brave because you have dreams beyond where you are right now. Never stop dreaming!

Please know that your dad’s failure to give you what you’ve needed isn’t about you. It’s his stuff, not yours. His inability to be a father who notices you, makes time for you, pursues you, invests in you, and celebrates you is not because there is something wrong with you. Honey, it’s your dad’s own brokenness that keeps him from being a dialed-in dad.

On the darkest of days when your deepest self wants to believe the lie that you don’t matter because of the way your dad has treated you, just know there are truths beyond what you’ve experienced. These truths exist because they are rooted in the One who makes these promises and stands by them.

Your Abba Dad adores you just for being you.

Your Abba Father created you and wove you together perfectly. He knew you before you were born and He delights in you!

Your Abba Daddy calls you His own and will never, ever, for any reason, at any time in your entire life ever abandon or reject you.

Your Abba Father has your name tattooed on His hand and will always remember you by name (if you want proof of this, read Isaiah 49:16).

Your Heavenly Father loves you with a forever love and cherishes you every minute of every day. His consistent love for you will never stop.

And last, remember that you share a name with one of the most honored and respected women of all time: Mother Theresa. Her legacy remains because she brought genuine compassion to those who hurt, those who were marginalized and rejected, and those whom society deemed worthless and undesirable. Her dad died when she was only eight years old and some speculate that he was poisoned by his political enemies. I have no doubt that similar to you she experienced fear due to these intense circumstances. She too had to navigate life without her father around.

And just like your namesake, you can turn your pain into your passion. You can invest deeply out of the well that has been dug deep inside you. Your calling isn’t fully in view yet but you can change the world as your longings are funneled by love.

Theresa, you are a treasure. To me. And to your Abba Dad.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life this week.  

With love, Michelle

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Dad, Help Your Daughter Find Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, you’ll see that this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal.

How’s that for significant? This little statistic serves as a reminder that as a reflective listener, we often say more by what never comes out of our mouth.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

"Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments."

Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has.

Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

I share below some responses from girls between the ages of thirteen and thirty to the questions, "What is something your dad doesn’t understand or know about you?" "What would it be like if he knew?" As you read, listen to these girls’ heart cries to be heard, known, and embraced by their dads.

• “I don’t think he understands that I can handle things by myself sometimes and that I’m not a little girl anymore. I also don’t think he understands that I don’t like the way that he asks to know things, and doesn’t really even listen to me when I talk.”
   
• “I care what he thinks and I am not as stoic as I seem. I don’t know what it would be like if he knew about it, but it scares me to think about him knowing that I am vulnerable.”
   
• “I don’t think he understands how I could have sex at such a young age, but also I know that he doesn’t know that I have had an STD before. It would be weird if he knew about the STD because that isn’t something a father wants for his little girl.”
   
• “My dad doesn’t know that for about six years I truly believed that he didn’t like me. I felt like everything I did annoyed him and irritated him. I thought I didn’t live up to his expectations. I would tell my mom this all the time and ask, ‘Does Dad hate me?’ I wasn’t doing it for attention. I internally, 100% believed that he didn’t like me and didn’t want a relationship with me. It hurt so much feeling like my own father didn’t like me.”
   
• “Something he doesn’t know is the pain that I will always have about some things in our family. I’ve told my mom about it, but I’ve never told my dad. I know he’d just blow me off and say, ‘There’s nothing I can do about the past.’ He always says that.”
   
• “There are a lot of things he doesn’t know about me—just because we don’t talk that much and aren’t that close. I don’t share many details of my life with him. But on a bigger scale, I am not sure if he realizes how much his parenting affected me and how much he hurt me.”

Dad, do you hear the heart longings in every one of these daughters to be special to her dad?

This is a need, not a want.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad today who helps your daughter to find and use her voice.

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Dad, Here’s Why You Want Your Daughter to Push Back, Fight, and Even Disagree With You

Most dads I’ve talked with tell me they want their daughters to grow up to be confident, empowered, emotionally healthy women who are strong in their morals, convictions, and beliefs. But what happens when your daughter pushes the boundaries at every turn and challenges the values you are trying to instill, despite your best efforts?

Let me tell you the story about a 24-year old young woman named Danielle.

Danielle is the youngest of four children and is one of those girls who has always loved to push the boundaries. At home. At school. In relationships. Simultaneously, she is a self-proclaimed “Daddy’s Girl” who says that the worst thing imaginable would be to disappoint her dad.

Honestly, Danielle has contributed to the bountiful population of grey hair on the heads of both her mom and dad. And all three of them would tell you that the highs and lows of life have been way more extreme than any of them would ever have chosen or thought possible.

Yet somewhere in the midst of six to seven very challenging years, Danielle has emerged into a young woman who has now found her voice. She has gone from being a self-described “victim” to an assertive, bold, straight-forward, confident, gutsy young woman.

She would tell you that none of this would have been possible without her parents' support. More specifically, she would tell you that none of this would have been possible had her dad pulled away and stopped loving her through the process.

In her own words Danielle says, “Truthfully, I think that had my dad pulled away and stopped loving me through the hell I put him and my mom through, I would have lost myself even more than I did. And to even think about that being a possibility back then, is a scary thought.”

So here you are as a dad who wants to launch your daughter into adulthood in the best way possible. But sometimes I’ve discovered that dads with this intention are also the same dads who want their daughters at home to:

• obey without question
• compliantly follow their rules
• stop most (or all) intense emotion, and
• not use their voices to assert themselves, especially if it’s in opposition to her parents values

Dad, if you truly want to assist your daughter in her voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day.

I understand that it’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy.

I acknowledge the fact that it’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather and seems to come at the most inopportune times...

            Danielle and her parents today!

Yes, this will take a boatload of strength on your part, especially when you want her to stop wrestling through the tough issues of life---from rules or guidelines to spiritual questions to boundaries. Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold then you as her dad have to set the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

• Be her sounding board as she talks things out.
• Be patient with her in the process of figuring out what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about, especially when it deviates from your hopes and ideals.
• Be a role model of patient steadiness, remembering that she will change her mind probably a dozen more times in the next few years regarding what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about.

She’ll come through it one way or another. And with your loving acceptance she’ll figure it out, even if she’s off course here and there on that journey (according to your values or timetable, that is).

Like Danielle says, “If there is one piece of advice I could give other dads struggling with their relationship with their daughter, it would be to NEVER give up on her and NEVER make her feel anything less than a beautiful deserving young woman that can accomplish anything she wants to in life. Maybe she will shut you out at first, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on her. She needs someone to fight for her and show her she is worth so much more.”

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice. But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice.

Let her practice using her voice with you, Dad.

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Dad, Don’t Let Your Daughter Lose Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland, but then again, maybe you have!

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

I acknowledge that at first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, teenage Alice Kingsleigh, inadvertently tumbling down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards. Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is supported by the quirky Mad Hatter (played by Johnny Depp) who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” whom he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.”

Then he hits a home run insult by indisputably declaring his observation as he tells her, “You’ve lost your muchness.”

When I first heard that line in the movie there was something about the unusual expression that caught me off guard. Surprisingly, tears welled up in my eyes as  these unique words reverberated inside me. For I, too, have wondered if I’d “lost my muchness” somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away for a moment.

I sat there and pondered over what my muchness would look like if I actually even had it. Or worse, I wondered whether I even had any muchness in the first place.

If you’re asking yourself: What on earth does Michelle mean by “muchness?” I will answer by defining it in relation to your daughter. “Muchness” is:

• that part of her that is passionate and scared, all at the same time;
• that part of her that sometimes wears you out yet is tied to her calling and gifting;
• that part of her that makes her uniquely spectacular!

For me, just like with Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been positive. In fact, the first memory that comes to mind is that of my elementary teachers (yes, more than one) writing four infamous words on my report cards:

                “Michelle talks too much.”

(Cue visual memories of me standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself!)

Scanning further in my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “much” folder is that of the comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me things that he thought were “too much” about me. According to him I used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, I laughed too much, I weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long. You can read more about it on page 147-148 of my book).

Here’s why I’m telling you this story.

It’s because I can relate to Alice in that somewhere along my life journey I began to believe that I didn’t have any muchness, which translated to letting others define me rather than using my own voice to stand strong. All of that morphed into an internalized belief that I wasn’t enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough (which is another way of saying that I’d “lost my muchness”).

As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies, a guy who seemed to ally with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me.

Alice though, by the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. Though afraid, she boldly faces her fears as she fights and then slays the dreaded Jabberwochy. As she steps forward, sword in hand, she boldly declares her truth with a heroic battle cry, “Lost my muchness, have I?”

I LOVE that line!

Alice uncovers a newfound courage by going through the battle to discover who she really is, which includes living out her destiny to end the Red Queen’s evil reign of terror. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

It was up to her and her alone to fight the dragon in order to save the kingdom.  

But the deeper emerging truth is that she faced her own dragon, and in the process saved herself.

Dad, the questions I pose to you are these:

• Has your daughter found her muchness?
• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by helping her take steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?
• Is there a battle she needs to face that inherently holds the key to her discovering and embracing her muchness?

Dad, you are vital to assisting your daughter on her journey to find and hold on to her muchness. Or if she’s lost it, to help her to find it again.

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible
• Encourage her to dream past her fears
• Remind her that she has to face obstacles in order to be fierce
• Let her know that you will always be there to cheer her on
• Communicate that you believe in her until she believes in herself

Because the truth is that your daughter’s muchness will change the world.

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25 Things To ALWAYS, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, Say To Your Daughter

Last week may have felt a bit brutal with me giving you 25 things to never, ever, under any circumstances say to your daughter.

I couldn’t leave you hanging without a guide to lead you back to center court. So, in a similar fashion that uses as few words as possible, is straight forward and to the point, here are 25 things to always, under all circumstances, and as much as possible say to your daughter if you want to be a dialed-in dad.

Here’s a list of what TO say to your daughter:

• What did I ever do to deserve such an incredible daughter like you?!

• Do you know how grateful I am to be your dad?!

• You look so beautiful today

• You get prettier with each passing year

• You’re right, I don’t understand you right now but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?

• I’ll be here for you no matter what. Any time, day or night, I will do my best to be available. You can text or call me when I’m at work or out-of-town and I’ll figure out a way to respond as soon as I can

• I want you to know that I enjoy you

• You are going to make a great wife and mother some day (if you choose that)

• I’ve seen so much growth in you (list specifics)

• Tell me what you’re learning in school (or work)…I’d love to hear

• What was good about your day today?

• What was hard about your day today?

• God broke the mold when He made you! You are one of a kind!

• You are completely unique and gifted (list specifics)

• I love you just the way you are

• You could never disappointment me, no matter what you do or don’t do, because I love you unconditionally

• What a treasure you are. Any guy who gets to date you (or eventually marry you) is a very lucky man

• In my eyes, you are the best of the best

• I am so proud of you

• I like who you are

• I love you

• You are amazing

• I look forward to our dates where we get to spend time together, you and me

• I’m sorry…will you forgive me?

• I want you to know that no matter what, I will always be your main man

In order to really dial in to your daughter’s heart space it’s going to require hard work and intention. And we all know that nothing worthwhile and valuable is ever easy. Hard work is required in business and this is all about bringing your best work ethic home.

Remember that your view of her, the one that is communicated from your mouth to her ears, will be paramount to the view she carries about herself throughout her life.

I encourage you today to carry this list in your pocket or on your phone and then choose to say one of these things daily to your daughter over the course of the next month. In fact, I've attached a printable handout below listing things not to say, from last week's blog, and things to say from this week's blog...

In closing, Dad, watch what happens in her as a result of your focusing on saying life-giving words. Write and tell me about what takes place in her…and in you. (You can reach me at michelle@theabbaproject.com)

Dad, What to Say (and Not Say) to Your Daughter.PDF

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25 Things to Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstances Say to Your Daughter

I’ve had the privilege over the last five and a half years of fine-tuning my understanding of men through The Abba Project (if you’re new to the conversation, this is the dads' group I lead in Portland, OR).  

As a result, I believe I’ve grown to understand and appreciate where you as dads are coming from. The truth is that I really enjoy hearing honestly from fathers about what it’s like to be in your shoes, especially as fathers to daughters.

Through my conversations, what I hear repeatedly from men is one of two responses:

1. Tell it to me straight with as few words as possible (a.k.a. get to the point!)
2. Tell me what to do to fix it.

In an attempt to prove that I, as a woman, can speak in a way that is straightforward with minimal verbiage, here is my bullet point list of some exact, specific things that you as a dad should never, ever, under any circumstance stay to your daughter. EVER.

Why?  Because what you say will echo in her head and heart for all eternity and she will never forget what you say about her, what you believe about her, what you see when you look at her, and what you tell her is true about her. (And sadly, I’ve heard many of these examples in real life).

So with as few words as possible, here’s a list of what NOT to say to your daughter:

• You are one high maintenance girl

• You have always been the most needy of all our kids

• Why do you always make mountains out of molehills?

• You look like you've gained weight (never give her a nickname that emphasizes her size)

• You got yourself into this mess so don’t come running to me…you have no one to blame but yourself

• Stop crying…You’re being a big baby

• Do you know how utterly ridiculous and nonsensical you sound right now?

• Pull yourself together and when you can talk rationally and clearly, then come talk to me

• Go talk to your mother…She’ll understand you.

• I gave up trying with you a long time ago

• How on earth do you ever expect a man to want to be with you when you act like this?

• You are wearing me out…I don’t know how much more of you I can take

• You drive me crazy

• When are you ever going to start acting your age?

• You are a spoiled brat

• I have no idea how you have any friends with the way you act…the real you comes out at home

• You are a selfish b#%*…can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

• In my house you will act the way I tell you to act

• Shape up or ship out

• Do you want a taste of your own medicine?

• What did I ever do wrong to have to deal with a daughter like you?

• You are a big disappointment to me

• You are a disgrace to this family

• God must regret having made you

• Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?

I know we’re all human and say things we don’t mean. If you’ve ever said any of these things, go today and make amends with your daughter. It’s never too late to make things right.

You may think that she’s forgotten what you said because it was a long time ago. I assure you she hasn’t. Humble yourself, go now, and ask forgiveness. It will release both of you.

Let today be the day where the words you speak to her from this day forward are only life-breathing and not akin to anything in the above list.

And for the record, this is the first time you’ve heard me say that failing to say or do something means that you’re at the top of the class!

(Stay tuned next week for the counter position titled: “25 Things to ALWAYS Say To Your Daughter”)

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Your Daughter Needs You to Hold Her Safe in the Storm

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one is valued at a million.

When I first saw this picture posted on Facebook it immediately melted my heart. There’s just something about seeing a daddy protecting his little girl that has a way of reaching in and touching the deepest place in all of us.

Photo by Sarah Mueller

I think for those of us who are daughters, we project ourselves into this photo and wish we were the one being held safely in the arms of a dad like this. Even when we’re all grown up.

And if this picture itself isn’t enough, here’s what mom Sarah included as her caption:

We got caught in a huge thunderstorm and flash flood warnings alerted on our phones. Addie was the only kiddo not covered in the stroller, but she loved getting drenched. She keeps talking about it to Tom, "We were in the rain together and you held me." #nycsummer #dctrip

Oh my. Have there ever been more profound words spoken by a three-year old?

"Dad, we were in the rain together and you held me."

The storm itself didn’t scare her.
Being unprepared for the crazy weather conditions didn’t prove to be too much for her.
Even standing on the unpredictable streets of Washington DC didn’t overwhelm her.

Why?  Because her daddy held her. In the rain. Through the storm.

Dad, I know how much you loved the days when you held your baby girl tight as she was scared. You still tear up when you recall how she’d come running to you with her arms outstretched and wanted only you to comfort her. As you reached down to pick her up you felt like your heart would burst with love as you held her close. Back then you would tell her that everything would be all right because you were there.

But then she grew up and didn’t seem to need you as much. And it left you feeling a bit lost. You wondered how were you going to save the day if she found her own umbrella and no longer came running to you when her skies snapped, crackled, and popped.

It was then that you packed up your superhero cape. But along with that a part of you shriveled up. You assumed that now that you weren’t being called to active duty in the same way you once were that now you were unnecessary.

Please hear me:  Dad, we always need you.
You are always necessary.
Whether near or far.
Without you we struggle to feel safe in the downpour.
No matter what age we are.

The reality is that even though we now are navigating storms on our own, we inwardly wish you could be there to shield us and do the heavy lifting when the big bad wolf comes to huff and puff and blow our house down. It would be easier to run to you every single time something hard hits out of nowhere. But we know we won’t grow up if we do that.

At some point we have to stand strong in the storms by ourselves.

And you can rest assured that we’ve taken what you’ve taught us and we forever hold it inside. All that courage you’ve instilled is now a part of who we are.

The thing is that our storms just look a little different now than they did when we were little. But they’re storms just the same. And we still need you to hold us tight, but with a bit more room in between us. Let me explain with a few more clarifying details.

Dad, you hold us safe in the storm and save the day when you:

• come home every night, making us feel safe and cared for
• provide for us and work hard to do so
• love us unconditionally even when we’re prickly and crunchy
• tell us that a B is just as good as an A because we did our best (believe it or not, we’re harder on ourselves than you can imagine and we need you to ally with the part of us that tried, not the part of us that was less than perfect.  Disappointing you hurts more than the low grade)
• spend time playing with us and doing life together
• teach us how to drive without getting frustrated with us through the learning process
• wipe our tears and tell us that he was a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he’s losing
• help us fill out our FAFSA with patience and attention to detail
• show mercy and grace at times when a consequence is deserved
• make amends when you’ve said or done something that doesn’t align with your heart toward us

The list goes on but you get the gist.

The truth is that we need you to hold us safe in the storm, whether the storm is on inside of us as the sky is falling or whether the downpour rages around us. When you’re calm and patient and loving and kind through it all, you are our safe haven.

This is the story of a daughter who feels loved and secure in her daddy's love. How I long for the day when every daughter will know that her dad will hold her safely in the storm.

p.s. And just so you know, the dad in this picture told me: I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

(On this anniversary of 9-11, one of the worst tragedies in American history, I trust today’s blog will serve as a reminder to hold your children close, because we never know how long we’ll have each other. Dad, give your daughter a BIG HUG today, one she will feel to the core of her being. And if she’s far away, call and tell her you will always be there no matter what. Mark this day with an extra dose of action-oriented love that honors those who can no longer embrace those they love).

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10 Things Dialed-In Dads Don't Do

This blog was originally posted on September 26, 2014

Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done.  Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words she was easier to track with.  But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants…and words!  That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.  

As a way to support your deep desire to truly dial in to your daughter’s heart, here are a few things that I’ve learned along the way, ten land mines to avoid if you want to raise a healthy, vibrant, loving, and spirited daughter.  

Here’s what not to do and say if you really want to be a fantastic dad:

1. Tell her she’s too emotional

The reality is that as women we have 11% more neurons in our brain centers involved in hearing and language as compared to men, leading us oftentimes to be better skilled at expressing emotions. I’ve even read that women retain emotional memories more vividly than men do, which serves as another piece of the puzzle when it comes to you as a dad honoring the wiring of your daughter, particularly when it comes to emotional responses.

2. Require her to talk calmly and rationally in order to communicate with you

I do understand that most men “flood” [a.k.a. zone out] when there is too much emotion coming at you because it feels like you need to fix and have the answers.  However, the more you can be a sounding board as your daughter vents and expresses, the more of a gift you are to her.  When we can talk and express while feeling our emotions, the more calm we will automatically become as a result.  Just remember that you don’t have to fix it.  Listening to her is the best gift you can give.

3.  Criticize her

There’s a difference between choosing certain times to correct or discipline and putting her down or highlighting the things she’s doing wrong.  One researcher talks about the concept of a “Love Bank,” saying there needs to be five deposits to every one withdrawal to make a relationship strong.  If you have something that needs to be addressed, be sure and pack a lot of positive, life-breathing, encouraging statements around your corrections and it will have a much higher success rate of responsiveness.  Remember the 5:1 ratio…daily.

4. Tease her about her weight or any part of her body

I understand that guys tend towards teasing each other about body parts and it’s no big deal.  Not with us girls.  We remember things that are said, even in jest, forever.  Everything. Make sure to never, ever, under any circumstances tease her about her weight, her size (breast size, pant size, etc), or any imperfections on her body.  Those words will stay with her long after they’re said.  And even if she seems to laugh it off, those reminders of her flaws are hurtful and will most likely lead to less self-confidence, a negative body image, and possibly lead to an eating disorder. 

5.  Put her mother down

Whether you’re still married or divorced, when you demean, criticize, or speak negatively about your daughter’s mom, you are essentially criticizing her. She will hear it as you saying that you think she will turn out the same way.  Because every daughter sees herself as some sort of reflection of the woman who brought her into the world, she uses mom as a reference point for understanding herself.  Look for the positives in mom and point them out to your daughter.

6. Think your actions behind closed doors don’t matter or are inconsequential

We’ve all heard the adage, “do as I say, not as I do.”  But really, who is kidding who here? As a dad, just remember that the choices you make when no one is looking are the things that define you and measure your integrity. Let your actions on and off the court be filled with self-respect if you want your daughter to live out her morals, beliefs, and values as well.  Let me say it another way:  Be the man you want her to marry.  It starts with you, dad.

7. Forget her birthday

Each of us has an innate desire to be known and even celebrated.  But simultaneously we as girls don’t always feel we’re worth the party.  This is where you as her dad come in.  Your investment of time, energy, and money tells her that she’s worthy, valued, and loved.  Make sure to join in the celebration on her birthday because it shouts, “I’m glad you were born!”

8. Compare her to her siblings

Although it might slip out of your mouth, try and avoid ever saying, “Why can’t you be more like…”  You see, we girls compare ourselves to everyone else without prompting.  So if you add to that reality, it only adds more fuel to an already existing fire.  Make sure to let her know that she’s one of a kind even though much of the time she may feel like she’s one in a million.  Let her know she’s unique and beautiful just because she’s herself.  

9. Speak in anger

If I had a quarter for all the times I’ve heard daughters, most often with tears running down their cheeks, tell me about the wounding that has been experienced as a result of dads anger, I’d be rich.  Words spoken in anger do the most damage to a daughter’s heart over anything else I hear from girls about their relationship with their dads. If you want to have your daughter’s heart stay open to you, make a contract with yourself to never speak in anger to her again because it destroys her spirit and her soul.  Take a time out to cool off and come back when you’re calm.  You’ll never regret waiting to speak.

10. Give monetary gifts rather than yourself

In a world where life seems to be increasingly speeding up faster, it can be easy to give things more than yourself to your daughter.  Remember that she wants and needs you, your heart, your attention, and your time more than any monetary thing.  You, dad, are the gift.  And when you give her you, it communicates to her that she is worthy of your attention and focus.  Any notes you write her will become treasures.  Don’t be surprised if she saves them forever.  Why?  Because your view of her matters more than all the rest…honest!

Let me end by saying that this backwards template is designed to put a creative twist on this concept of being a focused, dialed-in, intentional and consistent dad.  I’d love to hear back from you as you put these concepts into practice.  Write me and tell me your stories at drmichellewatson@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or @mwatsonphd on Twitter.

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Dr. Seuss Weighs in on Fathering

It's Archive August! This blog was originally posted on 4.10.2015 

As we all know, in any profession there are brilliant and skilled doctors who have expertise and know-how in very specific areas.  

Not unlike docs in the medical, dental, or psychological professions who bring their best to their patients, there is another doctor with whom most of us grew up, someone our parents turned to time and again. No, I’m not talking about Dr. Spock (who literally was the “go-to” guy for my mom as she raised me in the 60’s).  I’m talking about Dr. Seuss!  

I love the fact that in some of his well-known children’s books he actually addresses the relationship between parents and kids.  Most of us (actually, I mean me) perhaps never really thought of it like this until now, but I think that Dr. Seuss could probably enlighten us on a thing or two when it comes to father-daughter dynamics since he is the most infamous children’s doctor of all time. 

Of course the beauty of a childhood story is that we don’t always have to give much thought to every minute detail.  But being that I’m a shrink, I do have a curious desire to ponder what subtle undertones might be conveyed in this classic, Hop on Pop.  Let’s review what the good doctor was saying, shall we?   

Here is an excerpt:  (feel free to read along as you reconnect with your “inner child!”)

Sad.  Dad.  Bad.  Had.

Dad is sad.

Very, very sad.

He had a bad day.

What a day Dad had!

Hop.  Pop.

We like to hop.

We like to hop on top of Pop.

STOP. 

(Pop now finally sits up with a stern, angry look on his face while two bewildered children sit stunned as their dad says…)

You must not hop on Pop.

After this section in the book we don’t hear about dad again until the end (which has me a bit confused regarding the title since there’s really not much coverage of the actual hopping on top of Pop!).  

Then finally, right before the last page, we’re introduced to one more important thing about dad. We discover that he can read big words like “Constantinople” and “Timbuktu.”  I don’t know about you but it’s nice to know that the father in the story is intelligent and capable.

The question I now pose is this:  What has Dr. Seuss taught us about fathering and could there be any life lessons tucked into these few short pages? 

Let me take the liberty to highlight a few things I’ve gleaned from Hop on Pop:

1. Dad has emotion.

2. Dad doesn’t hide his sad emotions from his kids (especially his very, very sad ones).

3. Kids like to play with Dad. 

4. Dad lets his kids get close to him even when he’s had a bad day.

5. Dad allows his kids use him as a jungle gym (maybe it doubles a new kind of “play therapy” to cheer dad up after a hard day while also meeting his kids needs).

6. Dad has a limit on how much interaction with his kids he can handle when he’s stressed.

7. Dad abruptly STOPS the connection of interactive play when he’s had enough (a.k.a. dad sets a boundary).

8. Dad is smart and understands complex words and concepts.

These eight observations about dads are one thing, but now I’d like to take it a step further and translate them into eight things I believe are important for dads to know in relation to their daughters based on the “deep insights” taught by our favorite doctor:

1. We daughters are very dialed in to your emotions and moods, dad.

2. It’s okay to be real and let us see your sad emotions as well as your happy ones.

3. We like it when you are approachable even on your very bad days because we care about you.

4. We need you to let us physically connect with you on good and bad days; truth be told, sometimes we need safe touch from you on our hard days too (By the way, did you know that when you hug or kiss someone that oxytocin is released in your brain, which counters cortisol, the stress hormone?  Lesson: Give more hugs and kisses on your very bad days and you’ll both feel better).

5. We know you have a limit on how much you can handle and it’s understandable when you’ve hit that point.  

6. We’d prefer that you not scream and shout at us when hitting your max capacity but we do like knowing you’re human.

7. It’s okay to set a boundary when you need to, but please remember that you are teaching us how to handle intensity by your example. 

8. We really do like the fact that you are smart and can decode big words and concepts.  We love it when you educate us on things you understand and know.  And even if you can’t solve all the world’s problems, for some reason we like to believe you can.  

So there you have it:  A few thoughts about fathers that I, as a daughter, think are worth underscoring about the father-daughter relationship.

Why not choose one of the things listed here and make it happen today with your daughter: 

• Show vulnerable expression of your “softer” emotions (like sad)
• Hug her even if you’ve had a bad day
• Lovingly (not abruptly) communicate when you’ve had enough or are maxed
• Set healthy boundaries with her by modeling what that looks like
• Teach her something new so you can both grow smarter together 

Thanks Dr. Seuss for teaching us a thing or two about little kids and big kids alike from your vast base of knowledge.  We’re deeply indebted to you and are ready now to “hop” into action! 

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Thinking Backward

It's "Archive August!" This blog was originally posted on February 6, 2015.

If you’ve ever played sports (which I assume includes all of you in one way or another), you know that every single time you step onto the field or court, you always know where the goal is. Always.

The goal has everything to do with the direction you run, the points you make (or miss), and whether you win or lose.

The energy you expend is always oriented toward the goal because that’s where the points are. That’s what counts.

Without a clear goal, you can’t play the game.

Without a clear goal, you can’t win the game.

With your daughter, it’s the same way.

As you think about “the game you’re playing” (I’m using game as a metaphor to capture the essence of the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you, not as something fake in your relationship), are you clear about the goal you have in your relationship with her?

I can’t think of too many dads I’ve met who are clear about the goal or outcome they are shooting for with their daughter. Maybe a general idea, but not a specific goal.

And for a goal to work, it has to be clear, specific, measurable, and achievable.

Dad, I ask you this: Have you taken the time to honestly and directly state for yourself your goals as a father with your daughter?

Using the sports analogy above, it may help to think of it like this: If your end goal is to launch your daughter at the age of 18 as a healthy, confident, authentic, clear-minded, and vibrant young woman who is ready to take on the world, what are you currently doing to help her get there? Or let’s break it down further, what is your "halftime assessment plan" if she is nine years old and you’re about half way there?

I’m going to add one more layer to this concept of goal setting with your daughter. I call it thinking backward.

This time I recommend that you think about not just the here and now, but also about the future. It can be a new way of looking at the present by imagining the end of your life and thinking backward from then to now. I’m not trying to be morbid. Just stating a reality that we all have to face.

We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint.

So I invite you to ask yourself a tough question, one that will allow you to be brutally honest with yourself while sitting in the reality that you are leaving a legacy for good or bad, whether you want to or not.

What do you want your legacy to look like? For real.

You will literally change the course of history through your active engagement with your daughter at the heart level. She will carry you with her after you leave this earth. Your legacy will live on through her in proportion to your heart investment in her.

Though you won’t be around forever physically, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life. A theory in the field of psychology claims that some adults have an internalized parent who lives on inside them. Long after that parent is gone, the adult child may still seek to please the parent who is no longer around to see the performance. So again I ask you: What are you doing now to make sure your daughter hears your encouraging, supportive, loving, grace-filled, validating, inspiring, and motivating voice in her head forever?

Carefully consider the following statement, and then finish the sentence in your own words:

Looking at the response you just wrote, is it a head response or a heart response? I knowyou wrote a heart response. How do I know that? Because every dad I’ve ever invited to finish this sentence has written a heart response.

Here are some of the things I’ve heard dads say they hope their daughters would say about them at the end of their lives:

“There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do or give for me, even at a cost to himself.”

“I never doubted his love for me.”

“I knew he adored me.”

“He loved the Lord with all his heart and soul, and he loved me in the same way.”

Dad, if I could take one more minute of your time I want to encourage you to take what you wrote in the box above and break it down into three action steps. (Remember that action heroes have to take action in order to be a hero.)

For example, if you wrote that you want your daughter to know you love her, write HOW your love will look. Be specific. You might write something like this:

1. I will drive her to school every Friday while stopping at Starbucks on the way so we have a tradition that is ours and ours alone.

2. I will take her on a dad-daughter date once a month as a way to let her know by my actions that she is worth my time, money, and energy.

3. I will write her a letter every year on her birthday to tell her the exact ways I’ve seen her grow in that year while making sure she hears why she is special to me.

Do you see how the concept of love grew legs by the action plan that accompanied it?

I trust that this exercise of thinking backwards will be one that now guides your action steps in the present. I’m cheering you on from here. Go Dad!

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