Making Amends: How One Dad Did it Right

I can easily say that the most common question I am asked by fathers of daughters (in person and via my website) is: How do I make things right with my daughter because things between us aren’t so good?

  The exact words that some have used are as follows:

• “I want to be closer to my daughter. If you have anything for rebuilding our relationship, I’d love that.”

• “I need help with my estranged daughter. Why is it hard for her to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. I need some wisdom.”

• “How do I get access to my daughter’s heart if I'm being cut out?”

I acknowledge that I often have minimal knowledge of the entirety of the situation when responding. Yet I also want to give dads practical and proactive strategies they can put into action to invest in changing the dance for the better with their girls.

This leads me to a real life story, one that I had the privilege of being a part of earlier this year. Leanne is a 35-year old daughter, married, and the mother of two. She contacted me to ask if I could help navigate her relationship with her father after years of feeling the strain between them. Both were willing to peel back the layers while knowing they needed a guide through the process. 

Dad, Scott, told his daughter that if this would help her heal then he was committed to joining her even though he saw the task ahead as somewhat daunting and perhaps unnecessary. Courageously, both opened up about the ways that Scott’s often gruff and dismissive parenting style when raising his tender-hearted daughter not only hurt her then, but still has her oftentimes currently believing that she is “stupid and dumb,” with an overall feeing of being unworthy.

Through this process dad gave his daughter one of the best gifts she’s ever received from him. Without being defensive, Scott listened. For seven weeks in a row, he listened. Far past the point where he normally would have walked away.

All out of love for his daughter.

We finally reached the place where Scott, though hesitantly, was willing to accept an assignment to write Leanne a letter. Not knowing exactly what to write (especially since his daughter is an accomplished writer, which in his mind served to highlight his inadequacy), he used a template to guide the process: Writing a Letter to Your Daughter.pdf

This dad followed directions, put pen to paper (actually fingers to keyboard), and gave it his all. To say he did it right is an understatement!

Scott told his daughter how he sees her embodying the meaning of her name while telling her specific ways he is proud of her, even including unique qualities he admires about her. And he made amends. He said he was sorry for not being gentle and patient with her when she was a little girl.

Now you may be wondering: What good does it do to dredge up the past, especially when bygones are bygones? You may be thinking that it’s cruel for an adult daughter to drag her dad into a counselor’s office just so he can hear her tell him how he blew it when she was little when he was doing the best he could at the time.

You can decide for yourself whether you still hold to that position after hearing what Leanne later wrote to her dad in response to their life-changing session:

There was a moment when you stopped reading for a second and you glanced at me with wet eyes and tears streaming down your cheeks—I don’t even remember what part of the letter it was—that I have permanently engrained in my memory. It’s the strongest you’ve ever looked to me. I find it fascinating, and I think you might think it absurd, that my certainty of your strength was birthed from a moment where you were completely broken down. Even the little six-year-old in me is so proud, “My daddy is so strong!”  Dad, you are one of the bravest men I know.

Even as an adult woman, Leanne longed to hear what her daddy thought about her. She soaked in his words---about being proud of her and why---and about truly understanding the ways he had hurt her.

And Leanne needed to hear him read the letter out loud to her. She needed to hear his heartfelt emotion as he expressed himself. In fact, every year I hear dads in The Abba Project tell the group that reading their letters to their daughters is one of the hardest yet best things they’ve ever done. Why? Because their daughters are able to see their emotion coupled with their words and it bonds each dad and daughter together.

Scott agrees. Something broke free in him by doing this, leading him to say: “I don’t expect myself to be perfect anymore. I’m actually more real now.”

It was in this process of opening up the conversation that both of their hearts moved towards healing. When her father asked forgiveness, his daughter responded with love and grace. Each of them felt more understood as they did this piece of work together. Leanne further explained:

It’s like taking two magnets and flipping them around so instead of connecting tightly, they push against each other in opposition, making it impossible for connection to happen. This letter, both the letter itself and my dad’s emotions in reading it, was the first time our magnets faced the right way for connection to happen.

In reflecting back on this experience, I asked Leanne to share a few highlights that stood out to her from the journey:

The problem is the wounds from hurt don’t get healed if we ignore them; I learned that not only was I wounded by the past, so was my dad. His sobs and streaming tears were physical manifestations of how deep his own wounds are. This means we have pain in common and in a weird way I feel closer to him now that I know.

So to sum up, I want to tell dads everywhere to write and read your daughter a letter because it:

1) shows she’s worth pursuing

2) lets her know how you feel about her as a person

3) allows her to see herself through your eyes, which is far more valuable and loving than how the world will communicate her worth.

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My hope in sharing their story with you is that Leanne and Scott will serve as a real-life example demonstrating that it’s never too late for a dad to make amends with his daughter. When a dad comes without defensiveness, and is open and willing to hear her heart hurts, he gives her---and himself---the gift of freedom, release, and healing.

Thank you, Leanne and Scott. I believe I speak for us all when I say how extremely grateful we are for the gift you have given us by your courage to share your story.

I trust that every dad in America will take their story to heart and take steps today to make amends with his daughter (and son). Don’t put it off another day.

She’s worth the hard work. And so are you.

P.S. Just in case you’d like to hear more of Leanne’s insights, I’m including them in a first ever full-length addendum to my blog. Think of it as the bonus feature to this week’s tutorial, compliments of our guest.

• All his words meant so much to me that I couldn’t help but cry. I had no idea how he felt; I’ve been running on assumptions all these years, the wrong assumptions, based on few words and past experiences. He’s a new person but I’d never seen or heard the new dad until this letter.

• I literally feel like I heard words I’ve been waiting 30 years to hear. My dad has told me many times he’s proud of me, but he’s never told me why or how he’s proud of me. I’ve never heard how he felt when I was born, that he was scared and felt like he had a skewed knowledge of parenting. I heard him articulate how he sees me as a person and how he feels about me.

• I felt so much more affirmed and adored and valued than I ever have in my life by my dad. It makes a difference. He loves me and values me, which changes the way I see myself.

• There’d even been some tears shed in the past when he’s apologized for the way he treated my brother and me, but this time was different because his full emotions came out attached with more words—there were buckets of affirming words for me. This time it was more than, “I’m sorry. I was a terrible father.” It was “I’m sorry, I feel horrid for what I did to you. You are all these things and I value you and I want to love you differently and better. Please forgive me.”

• The longer we keep things locked up tight, the harder they spill out when the lid is pried off. But then everything is emotionally cleansed and you can breathe again, realizing for the first time how suffocating all that pain had been. I’ve been there, and now I could feel my dad experiencing the same thing. That felt special to me.

• Being vulnerable with each other is really foreign—I think Dad is uncomfortable with his own feelings, especially tearful feelings, and I simultaneously don’t want to make him uncomfortable with my own feelings yet also want to protect myself from rejection if Dad thinks my feelings are unreasonable or stupid.

• My relationship with my dad, past and future, impacts so many other areas of my life—confidence, parenting, my eating disorder recovery, sense of worth. I don’t know the psychology behind why my dad’s connection with me matters in those things—matters in helping trust who I am—but it does. I still need my dad at 35, and I suspect at 45 and 50 and so on because there’s still an inner-child who needs the nurturing and love. I don’t know how to articulate the connection, but I know God sees me as this child and interacts with me as such, so there’s a reason why my earthly dad plays such an imperative role. 

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6 Years, 7 Observations, and My 8 Word Manifesto for Dads

This week was graduation week for another 10 dads who have completed their 9-month Abba Project journey.

Year after year these men inspire and amaze me as I witness their willingness to accept the challenge to intentionally and consistently pursue their daughter’s hearts over the course of an entire school year. And they all testify to the fact that while their COMPETENCE increases, in equal proportion so does their CONFIDENCE.

I wish that every one of you could come sit with us during one of our group sessions. You would witness dads supporting each other in amazing ways while sharing a similar passion and end goal, that of connecting more with their daughters. For some of them it’s a continuation of a pursuit that already has a well-established foundation set during her childhood, while for others it’s more of an exhausting workout to win back her heart.

The incredible dads of Abba Project 2016

These guys are my heroes and they are literally changing the landscape of our country, one dad at a time, as they “kick it up a notch” with their daughters. They come hungry to learn how to do everything from lead richer conversations to that of enhancing their active listening skills, all while tending to the heart space of their girls. It’s absolutely incredible to witness the growth in these dads in only nine months! [And any of you can join the ranks of these Abba Project dads by reading my book and then doing the dad-daughter dates/activities listed in the back. Write and tell me how it goes!]  

I often refer to myself as a “planet-hopper,” and by that I mean I travel from Venus (my planet) to Mars (your planet)--as author John Grey delineates in his book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. So I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on some things I’ve observed over the course of time. These insights aren’t meant to be all-inclusive, they are simply things I’ve come to appreciate and discover, things I’ve learned first-hand from my expeditions that have led to greater understanding and deeper admiration for fathers.
 
Here goes:

1. Dads are deeply motivated when a particular cause profoundly touches their hearts.

When I started The Abba Project people were shocked that men would add more to their already full plates. Yet they came. Why? “Because we love our daughters,” they’ve said. Dads make the time to do those things they deem worthy of the sacrifice of their time and will move heaven and earth to make something happen if they believe in it.

2. Dads are willing to be taught when the things they're learning resonate with their minds and hearts.

I’ll share with you a secret: When this whole thing with dads got started, I hadn’t expected that men would want to learn from someone who wasn’t a father, especially me. Yet they are rock stars in my eyes, every one of them, because they get out there, sometimes under the bright lights of scrutiny (from their families or friends who hear they’re doing this dad-daughter group thing), all the while coming with a teachable spirit that enriches the learning process. Yes, the world watches with enthusiasm when a dad invests in his kids!

3. Dads are readily open to expressing thoughts and feelings when in the safety of other men.

I’ll be honest----this one caught me by surprise. I hadn’t expected men to talk as much as they do and to tear up when talking about their daughters. I’ve told them how I’m continually blown away at how much they talk, to which they’ve said, “It’s because we’re not competing with women to be heard.” I realize that might sound a bit brutal, but it’s what they’ve said. And when they hear each other, they feel less alone and more supported…and then they talk more!

4. Dads are willing to risk being vulnerable when they know that those around them stand in solidarity.

This is a powerful thing to observe in action. When one dad starts to cry, either because his heart is breaking or perhaps because he’s deeply grateful for a positive breakthrough with his girl, he doesn’t often know what to do when his emotion is so visible. I love when tears start to flow because it says that this is a courageous dad who has activated his heart. And it shows that he is willing to let his authentic self be seen by other men who are also in it to win it.

5. Dads are fiercely loyal to one another when they're on the same team or on the same side of the battlefield.

These guys literally bond as a “band of brothers” through this process of becoming more engaged, dialed-in dads. They champion each other when the chips are down, and when they mess up or are rejected by their girls. And then they celebrate with each other when the wind changes direction and the sun breaks through the clouds. I can often literally feel the support in the room as they rally together around each other. It’s a beautiful thing.

6. Dads thrive when their efforts yield positive results in the lives of the people they love, especially their daughters, thus inspiring them to invest even more.

I believe that it can be harder for men than women to press in relationally, especially when things are moving in a negative direction, away from harmony. Yet I’ve seen that as dads gain tools for enhancing relationships with their daughters, they transfer those skills to all their relationships, and as a result they are inspired to stay the course and keep doing what works.

7. Dads of all ages really do want the same thing: to get it right as fathers, to do it better than the generation before them, and to be the best dad they can be.

Though I know there are “deadbeat dads” out there, as well as dads who perpetuate the darkness that was modeled to them by their fathers, I stand aligned with those who want to change things for the better as they seek to set a new direction. That’s what my dad did and you can, too. I believe that you will leave a rich legacy as you work to be a great dad, a dialed-in dad, and one who impacts the course of history by positively investing in your children.

Wrapping things up, here are my final thoughts. I’ll call this my 8-word final manifesto for dads:

There is transformative power in a dad’s love. [CLICK to TWEET]

When you listen and affirm, love and care, believe in and express, pursue and invest, you give your daughter a key to changing her world, which she can then use to change the world around her.

That’s what I’ve learned from my six years of traveling to Mars.

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What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads who have daughters. There is this kind of tender, fierce strength that I bear witness to time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men via The Abba Project. I hear their stories. I listen to their fears. At other times I witness their tears. All are equally impactful. All are equally powerful.

I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the thing about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces of our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,
2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and
3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve sat with men and women who say they were unaware their tears were even there until they showed up. Their surprising release of tears then served as the path to intimate depths within themselves, thus allowing for even deeper introspection and self-awareness by which to honor that which is being disclosed.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us. [click to tweet]

I’ll always remember the night during one of our Abba Project meetings when the heart of one dad, a firefighter named Scott, was powerfully expressed in a way that touched all of us in the room. While he allowed himself to be transparent, tears fell down his cheeks, giving each of us a treasured gift, a gift of his vulnerability. We were all changed as a result.

When Scott started The Abba Project he and his 22-year old daughter Katie weren’t as close as he wanted them to be. They didn’t talk much, and with her now living a couple of hours away, their times of real connection were few and far between. Then there was a turn of events and all of a sudden Katie was back living at home. Heading into their dad-daughter date night one particular month, Scott had the opportunity to open up the conversation about WORDS.

I’ll let Scott, with his permission, tell the story in his own words:

“We had our date at the house and when I went through the questions, asking her about words I’ve spoken that have hurt her, she couldn’t remember any. So I brought up things I thought had possibly had an impact on her. Still she couldn’t remember them. The wanting to know and the asking are what had the impact on her.

Then I read her the letter I’d written. She listened and then said, “‘Thanks Dad. I’m putting it in my ‘Affirmations Box.’ “

I didn’t even know she had one. She asked if I wanted to see it and then went to get it. She started taking things out of this medium-sized box and showed me what was there. I quickly noticed that there wasn’t anything in it from me. Until now, that is. She told me she was putting the letter I had just written her into the box.

It was then that I had a realization. Not only did I have no idea that she had an ‘Affirmations Box’ but I suddenly remembered that I had one of my own. I just hadn’t ever called it by that name.

I actually have a bag I use for work and asked her if she wanted to see it. I showed her that I have saved four things she’d made me that were in the bottom of it. One of them was a picture she’d drawn me when she was about 12 years old of Multnomah Falls with a truck driving on the road below and the words Oregon’s Biggest Waterfall written on the top. It was quite a bonding time for us. (Tears were readily streaming down Scott’s cheeks by this point in the story, as were ours).

Scott then concluded by saying:

Thank you for having me write the letter and read it to her so that I could find out about her box. I asked if I could help fill up her box now that I know about it.

She immediately said: ‘Yes.’”

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• He feels emotionally connected to his daughter (or son), especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

Katie's drawings that Scott forever keeps in his bag.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us girls feel our father’s love when you as our dad are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us. When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if it might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter see how you really feel about her when she looks into your eyes while witnessing your love for her that just might come in the form of your tears.

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Burned Bridges: When Your Daughter Writes You Out of Her Life Story

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here's what one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? Could I ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain? I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story.  

Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart---going after what he knows matters to her--while also honoring her requested need for space. Tough balance, to say the least.

One of my close friends has been recently going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For three years he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process.

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating-- to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”  (click to tweet)

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter's heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, yet strong, stand like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, then here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you.

• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific.

• Write letters to her (that you may or may not give her) that let you connect with your heart.

Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

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How NOT to be a Foolish Father

Since today is April Fool’s Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to connect two powerful yet hopefully mutually exclusive themes: fathering and foolishness. This seems as good a day as any to once again give you a “what-NOT-to-do” approach to succeeding as a dad to your daughter.

Let me begin with a story from three decades ago. Right after college, at the age of 23, I attended a conference in Kansas City that was life-changing. It was the first time I’d gathered with 30,000 other college students with a goal to soak in amazing teaching about our faith in God while being challenged to actually live it out. One highlight that week was hearing from a woman by the name of Elisabeth Elliot, a woman I’d come to greatly admire after reading one of her books. As she stood up and told stories from her life and that of her late husband Jim (who had been murdered in the mid-1950’s), she shared a quote of his that has stayed with me ever since:

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

She said that Jim lived his life with that kind of eternal focus constantly in view, knowing that he would never lose if his actions focused on investing in that which lasts.

And now I will do my best to apply his words to fathering. My translation of Jim’s quote is simply this:

A father is profoundly wise when he:

• intentionally and consistently gives of himself

• deposits daily life into the heart and life of his daughter

• is fully aware that every positive investment yields dividends that will extend past her generation into the next, which then...

• leaves a rich and lasting legacy.

I realize that’s a lot of words, but the essence of what I’m getting at is that when you, Dad, choose to daily attend to the life of your girl, you are the wisest of the wise, the best of the best, and the most strategic of men because your focus as a well-invested father will last beyond the here and the now.

After all, there’s not much that lasts after we’re gone; so why not leave heart deposits that last a lifetime, right?

The reward for being a dialed-in dad like that is not only having a daughter who thrives now, but who soars into the future. CLICK TO TWEET

My friend, Joe Kelly, cofounder of DADS (a national nonprofit organization called Dads & Daughters) says it this way:

“Fathers are the key to a daughter’s well-being, healthy development, and resilient self-image...and our greatest untapped natural resource.”

I love this description of you, Dads. This really is who you are.

So today, why not turn this into a ANTI-FOOLS DAY by proving to yourself that you have it in you to wisely and proactively connect with your daughter’s heart needs. Why not take the next five minutes and put your loving words, the ones you carry in the depths of your heart, into a text, email, or written note to your daughter telling her THREE THINGS you love and admire about her.

That is how you can actively invest in her heart space anew today, while making this the best-ever, non-foolish April 1st you’ve ever had, as you give what you cannot keep to gain what you cannot lose.

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What I've Learned About Fathering from Watching HGTV's Chip Gaines

I wish there were some kind of reward system in our country for fathers who step up to the plate and hit it out of the ballpark as a dad. In fact, I’m presently thinking about how to actually make that happen!

In the meantime I’ll continue writing about admirable fathers on my blog while highlighting what they’re doing right.

Of course you know by now that I'm highly attuned to watching relationships between dad and daughters. Even when I’m not trying to notice, I notice. It seems that no matter where I am---in a grocery store or at the mall or even at church---my eyes and ears are conditioned to observe the way dads interact with their kids, as well as the way their kids respond back. I truly believe that their interactions in public say a lot about what goes on in private, at home.

I've spent the better part of a year paying attention to and admiring one particularly dialed-in dad on TV. His name is Chip Gaines. He’s married to his co-host, decorating genius Joanna, and the show is called Fixer-Upper. They have a magical gift of taking the least desirable house in the most desirable neighborhood and turning it into their client’s dream home. And they really do!

However, as impressive as their construction and restoration skills are, there is something I find much more remarkable. It’s a combination of the fun, positive, and respectful way they relate to each other as husband and wife and the way they beautifully parent their four adorable young children: two boys and two girls.

With a Twitter following of almost half a million between them, clearly I’m not the only one who is drawn like a magnet to this incredible couple.

I think one of the reasons America has fallen in love with them is that the way they relate to one another is contagious. I find myself wanting to know them personally while wishing somehow that I could transport myself into the center of their family dynamics.

As I have watched Chip interact with his children, I have noticed a number of qualities and behaviors that I think every dad would be wise to emulate.

Here’s a summary of what I’ve gleaned from watching Chip Gaines:

1. This dad really likes and enjoys his kids. He clearly loves talking with them, laughing with them, playing with them, even wrestling and rough housing with them, especially when he morphs into a human jungle gym. It’s obvious that his children feel his positivity and delight in being their dad.

2. His kids feel comfortable being themselves around him. They appear to be fully engaged in life when dad is there. They jump and run, twirl and dance, explore and take risks, ask questions and follow directions. I guess you could say that they get to be kids who have fun being kids without fear of dad forcing them to grow up before their time.

3. This dad sets limits for his kids. At various times all four kids are instructed by dad to do or not do things. He says “yes” and “no” to their requests. He provides boundaries by guiding them in both indoor and outdoor activities.

4. His kids follow dad's lead by respecting each other. Of course we all know that there are edits to the final version of each episode, yet a consistent theme I’ve noticed is that his children treat each other is in like kind to the way he treats their mom. Additionally, the way he relates to and honors them parallels the way they relate to and honor each other. Once again, more is caught than taught.

5. This dad listens to his kids. He looks into their eyes when he talks to them or when they talk to him. And he responds to their questions with answers that are spoken with kindness and are age appropriate. What matters to them matters to him.

6. His kids are given opportunities to enter into dad’s world. Whether it’s coming to a job site, going on an errand, or getting to help dad with a project, Chip lets his kids get up close and personal to see what his life is about. He invites them to look at and take part in that which is important to him, in work and in play.

7. This dad never speaks with harshness to his kids. Again, I realize that editing is potentially king here, but repeatedly all four of them are relaxed and calm in dad’s presence. They appear to have no fear that dad may yell or react, even if they make a mistake. They aren’t shamed or criticized, but are redirected and corrected when necessary. As a result, their naïve and vulnerable childlikeness is refreshingly evident as they spontaneously interface with life as it unfolds under dad’s care.

8. His kids are invited to grow and become responsible one event at a time. Because children learn by doing and actively participating as they learn life lessons, this dad goes the extra mile to make that happen. Whether buying chickens as a practical way to teach them how to tend to life on a farm or selling the eggs of said chickens, these kids are on the path to entrepreneurship, all because of dad’s intentional fathering style that engages them first hand in the areas that he believes will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

9. This dad loves his kids' mom. The real, apparent love Chip has for his wife is literally transmitted through the airwaves from Waco, Texas to every viewer’s home. I don’t know how that can happen but it does. When a dad loves his children’s mother, it gives his kids a sense of security and safety that frees them up to thrive and truly be themselves without worry that life as they know it may crumble or falter. This is a powerful gift from a dad to his kids. (Even if a marriage has already ended, a dad can still choose to not speak negatively about his child’s mother).

10. His kids follow dad’s lead in honoring his faith traditions. From inviting his children to kneel on the dirt road to their home to dedicate their farm to God or praying before a meal, it’s clear that these little apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. The gratitude that dad has for the life God has given him is emulated by his four children who respect dad enough to readily follow his example.

Thank you Chip Gaines for taking your television show about remodeling houses and actually using it to teach us what it looks to remodel a home---on the inside----one that has love and respect, boundaries and fun.

Thank you for giving a hands-on demonstration to dads in America (should they watch your show, that is!) of what it looks like to be a father who pursues the heart of his wife and his children intentionally and consistently.

And thank you for revealing that it takes a lot more than brick and mortar, shiplap and paint to make a house a home. For when a dad truly loves and leads his family, everyone wins.

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Winning Her Heart vs. Winning an Argument

A couple of years ago my friend Steve said something that blew me away and has stayed with me ever since. In fact, it’s so good that I asked if I could both quote him and interview him.

Quick backstory: Two years ago Steve’s daughter Maddie was just heading into her teen years (a reality that proved to be a more of a daunting challenge than dad had anticipated), and he was strongly invested in learning how to relate better to his ever-changing and maturing girl. It was during our conversation that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“It’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.” (Click to tweet)

Does that hit you like it did me?  Win her heart rather than an argument. Wow. POWERFUL.

In that moment I said, “Steve, if every dad in America understood that concept it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

I loved hearing this courageous dad, guided by humility, say that it matters less that he is right, especially if it means he is trampling on his daughter’s heart in the process of holding to that position (and by “heart” I am describing the place where her emotions and dreams and passions and visions and ideas converge).

So here we are, two years later, and Maddie is now in her first year of high school. Dad and daughter are still navigating the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between independence and dependence, freedom and boundaries, rules and responsibilities, distance and connection.

Some days are better than others, but their love is consistent even when “the dance” isn’t.

I asked Steve a few probing questions to further clarify what he meant by his profound quote. I believe you’ll appreciate the authenticity of his responses because he’s a dad in the trenches just like you.

1.   Steve, how do you go about winning Maddie’s heart?

I’m sitting here asking myself why I pause when trying to codify how I go about winning Maddie’s heart. I wonder aloud (nobody can hear me): Am I afraid? Am I reluctant because I know that I fail so many times trying to win her heart? Who am I to try and suggest that I know the first thing about winning Maddie’s heart - when in fact I feel like I fail more times than I don’t?

Even yesterday I said to my wife - “This trying to be a dialed-in dad thing is hard. It would be so much easier to just unplug and chuck it!” No joke.  

But this morning, here’s what I wrote in my journal…“Jesus, help me to know how, what, and when to coach Maddie. Help me to know how, what, and when to close my mouth. Help me to know how, what for, and when to be strong for her. And help me to know how, what for, and when to just be with her.”  

You’d have to have been in our home to know the details…and frankly, I’m not sure I get all the details. But the one detail I do know - I love this little lady!  I won’t quit…even when failure seems like my default.  

2.   What works to win her heart and what doesn’t?

My number one strategy to winning her heart:  I…Won’t…Quit. She is my little girl, entrusted to me - her Daddy. And I will fight for her heart. I cannot demand it. But I will remain engaged…even when all the chaos of life collides with my visions of what it was like when she was 4, 5, 6 - with her raspy little Lauren Bacall voice.

When I see the beauty that stands before me, in all of her “I am my own person” - I am in awe, this is my little girl, becoming a woman and I get the privilege of being present - I’ll take it. I will clumsily keep trying. I’m going to stay in the game - for her, for me, for her mom, for us…for her husband.

3.   Do you have any other strategies for pursuing your daughter’s heart?

My number two strategy to winning her heart - I apologize. I’m broken. I don’t do everything right. I make mistakes. At times I want a do-over. I’m humbled to be her Daddy. Pride has no business in being a dad. Let my humility be the measure of the strength of my love. (this is not a pushover kind of thing…)

My number three strategy. I am not afraid to be silly. Humiliation - ha…bring on the silly - for her sake. Never to humiliate her, but I will cherish the laughter - and Maddie can laugh.  

My number four strategy - I will guard her heart - I will fight for her. I’ll do this (hopefully) with a heart of peace towards others, but I will stand up for her, beside her. We will empower her to be an advocate for herself - but I will protect her.  

Maybe I’m going off topic here…but I will make the first move to restore our relationship. I know that I have to be the leader here. 

I will see her as a person - not a problem….not a problem child…not a child with “girl problems…”  

I will tell her “no” - when it’s the right thing to say - even when I assume she is displeased.

4. How do you ground yourself when Maddie escalates emotionally?

Great question…What is my ideal, aspirational approach? I recognize that she needs me to stay engaged with her as a person. That she knows that there is nothing that she can do that will change the fact that I LOVE her! I tell her this - when things escalate. Honestly, because when emotions climb and reality distorts (in all of us) I want to ground us with the truth – I LOVE HER.

5. How do you keep yourself from giving into anger when the situation is intensifying?

Well, I fail sometimes. My anger can look much more passive aggressive than expressive. I try to recognize when I slip over to anger and may have to suggest we come back around. I care more about her than being right, and we’ll figure the rest out.

I’ve seen anger drive kids away; this was my own experience. It was amazing what it did to melt away years of hurt when my dad said, “I never looked at it from your perspective.” We are very careful with what we do, or say, in anger…I recognize it in myself and try to check it…or listen to my bride when it pokes its head out. 

6. Do you have any input for other dads of daughters?

Pride…dude, you are a Daddy. Bask in the self-evident pride that comes prescribed with being the dad of a daughter. Celebrate HER, champion HER, empower HER - and watch her fly. And be sure that you are the soft place she can come to when the world pushes off on her strengths and gifts, and tramples on her scars and weaknesses. Come on, you’re her Daddy. 

7.   Are there last thoughts you’d like to add?

I know that I’m a gloriously flawed dad – and trying to say how well I do at winning her heart?…no trophies here. But one thing I do is pray for my daughter to recognize that she need not carry the burdens of the world, her school, her friends…but also not to ignore her bent towards leadership, justice, and a deep sense of empathy. I want to put a bubble around her to guard her heart, but I also want her to work out that powerful muscle and grow in her sense of right and wrong, a voice for the marginalized, and a defender of the weak.

Being a Dad is messy. But I am her Daddy…she gets one of me and I’m humbled to be her Daddy.  

Thank you, Steve, for opening up and letting us see into your experience. You have reminded dads of daughters everywhere that it’s not about being perfect, but is about staying attentive to the changing tapestry of your daughter’s life.

Thank you for your vulnerability as you’ve modeled the importance of being real with your girl---whether you’re apologizing and asking forgiveness or being silly and making her laugh.

And last, thank you for letting us see into your heart space as a dad who is proud of his daughter and wants the world to know it. Thank you for teaching dads that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

Dads, why not choose one insight that Steve shared today about winning the heart of his girl and put it into action with your daughter today.

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Because a Dad’s Gotta Do What a Dad’s Gotta Do

I’m guessing that many of you watched the Super Bowl two Sundays ago along with 111.9 million other people in America. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the highlights for me resided more in the commercials than in the game.

And whether you’re a Bronco’s or a Panther’s fan, I’ve got a question for you: Did you happen to notice the recurring theme in the commercials this year about fathers relating to their daughters?  

Procter & Gamble scored big in their series of four Pantene commercials called “The Dad-Do” where NFL players DeAngelo Williams of the Pittsburg Steelers, Benjamin Watson of the New Orleans Saints, and Jason Witten of the Dallas Cowboys tackled the detangling their daughter’s hair. Included in each heart-warming scenario are drawings of each dad’s strategy for attacking the hairdo like they would their opponent on the field. It’s really clever. (If you’d like to see the Good Morning America overview of all four stories, click here).

It’s so refreshing to see professional athletes attempt to do something they’re unskilled at, in an area where they admittedly lack competence, all out of love for their little girls. And then to let all of America see them stumble through the process (a.k.a. “fumble the ball”) is even more courageous! Their goal?  To inspire dads everywhere to get in the game! I smiled when hearing Jason Witten say that “Catching a touchdown pass is a lot easier than making a beautiful braid.” Well said, Dad!

I loved hearing Benjamin Watson talk about knowing that his 6-year old twin girls “...will judge all men by how I treat them, so it’s important for me to connect with them and do things they want to do so they will know they’re important and that they’re worth my time.”

The Pantene STRONG IS BEAUTIFUL campaign highlights the importance of dads raising strong girls with a message grounded in research that confirms a few vital facts, namely that:

Girls who spend quality time with their dads grow up to be…

• stronger
• more self confident
• more self-reliant
• more successful in school
• more successful in their careers

To that I say:  YES!  My empirical data lines up directly with this information.

And as much as I loved the four Pantene commercials, I am OVERJOYED that the Hyundai “First Date” ad won USA Today’s Annual Poll of Best Super Bowl Ads. Let’s hear it for America celebrating the love of a dad for his daughter!

In case you haven’t seen the clip, Kevin Hart is an over-protective father who sneaks around during his teenage daughter’s first date to ensure that this boy treats her right. The clip begins with Hart giving the keys to his new Hyundai to this boy, knowing full well about the feature that allows the car’s owner to track the car’s location. With prevailing knowledge of where they were at all times, he is able to pop up every place they go. I especially love the scene where dad is hanging off a ladder attached to a helicopter while shouting to the boy, “You’re messing with the wrong daddy!”

The commercial ends with Hart’s daughter coming home, clearly disappointed in the way her evening played out, while dad opens the door to greet her with a knowing smile. As she walks away, the narrator closes with a powerful tagline:    

“Because a dad’s gotta do what a dad’s gotta do.”

What a fantastic reminder these commercials are to herald the power of a dad’s active presence in his daughter’s life. Yes, sometimes he has to get out of his own way and be willing make a fun of himself or not do it right or to stay one step ahead of her while helping to guide her choices. But in the end, it’s all about doing whatever it takes to let his daughter know he adores her.

If an NFL player can step off the field (his comfort zone) and walk into a beauty salon (perhaps his non-comfort zone) to bond with his girls, then any dad can do it. You don’t have to be perfect; it’s about the fact that you tried to meet her on her turf. Because, as the wise Benjamin Watson said, “Sometimes a 'Dad Do' is a 'Redo' and you've got to be ok with that!”

Thanks DeAngelo, Benjamin, Jason, and Kevin for inspiring dads everywhere to invest well in their daughters. You all rocked the screen this week in ways that truly made a difference in the lives of all who viewed your outstanding work…on the football field and on the “field” that really matters: your daughter’s heart.

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Better Than a Dozen Roses: 12 Ways to Let Your Daughter Know She’s Your Valentine

With this being Valentine's Day weekend, I figure there’s no better way to celebrate the holiday than to highlight the power of a heart connection from a dad to his daughter. And though some may view this day as one reserved only for romance between sweethearts, I see it as an opportunity for a girl to be treated in an extra special way by her dad, thus creating a model for future comparison so she’ll know how to be treated when the love of her life comes knocking!

Rather than give her 12 roses to let her know she’s loved by you this year, why not instead choose 12 things that you can do for her or with her that let her know that she’s worth celebrating.

This 14th of February can be the start of a new tradition where you give your time, energy, and creativity that says, “You’re my Valentine.” Incidentally, you’ll notice that none of these things cost money. They’re going to require that you dig deeper inside yourself than into your wallet.

Have fun being resourceful in ways that require ingenuity, patience, a servant’s heart, and a good dose of humor. Here’s a dozen ideas to help you win her heart anew this Valentine's Day:

1. Do something fun that involves the two of you enjoying an activity together--walking, running, biking, shooting hoops, kicking a ball, playing a board game, etc.
    

2. Let her teach you something she’s good at and you’re not--baking, cooking, doing an art project, coloring, talking! 
    

3. Write a letter telling her the qualities that you love, admire, respect, and want to reinforce in her--for extra credit, read the letter to her and I guarantee this will be something she will treasure for the rest of her life. 
    

4. Step out of your comfort zone and invite her to dance with you to one of her favorite songs--if she declines, don't feel bad; she won't forget you asked, even if she says “no." 
    

5. Listen for ten uninterrupted minutes while practicing active listening skills--look at her while she talks, nod your head to show you’re interested, lean forward, ask questions to encourage her to talk more (yes, you heard me right!).
    

6. Share three stories from your childhood that you’ve never told her before--of course you’ll want to ask her if she'd like to hear them since some girls like hearing stories more (or less) than others. 
    

7. Serve her in a way that is unexpected and out of the ordinary--fix something that’s broken, run an errand so she doesn’t have to, make her bed for her, do one of her chores as a surprise gift to her. 
    

8. Ask if you’ve hurt her and then seek forgiveness after hearing the whole story--and/or follow the lead of one dad who has makes a practice of asking his five-year old daughter a question every night as he tucks her into bed, "Has Daddy been sharp with you today?" This allows him to hear the hurts and repair them one day at a time.
    

9. Surf the internet with her and find funny videos that make you both laugh
    

10. Take selfies of the two of you putting random things on your heads with silly captions to then post on her social media sites with the hashtag #daddaughterselfie
     

11. Go through your kitchen and at any time of day make a breakfast food that she loves---pancakes, waffles, omelet, cereal--and eat it with no hands, creating an experience that is sure to make a lasting memory! (Idea credit: Garth Brooks, who led his daughters to do this with him during their growing up years, now inspiring others to follow his lead)
     

12. Watch one of her favorite television shows or movies with her…and enter into it in a way that enhances the experience for her--no making fun of anything she likes and offer to pop popcorn or dish up ice cream to make things extra fun and memorable.

Why not give your daughter a new kind of Valentine's gift this year that requires your full attention and whole heart?

I’m convinced that she’ll feel loved by you in a new way as you give more of yourself than money can buy. I believe this has the potential to be better than a dozen roses as this forever memory will last a lifetime!

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Dads, Dudes, and Duds

I’ll be honest. I was the daughter who gave my parents quite a few of their grey hairs. And yes, it happened over a guy. I dated him for a little over two years and not surprisingly, the whole thing drove a bit of a wedge in my relationship with my parents.

The more my parents said they didn’t like him, the more the two of us bonded. I think I was a bit warped after seeing Grease right after I graduated from high school in 1978. For whatever reason, that movie stayed with me, so a decade later when this guy and I dated, I figured we were like Danny and Sandy who were destined to be together against all odds.

What I wouldn't give now for a do-over.

But this does inspire me to address the topic that many dads have asked me to address: What do you do when your daughter chooses a guy you think is a dud or a loser?

The truth is that I’ve seen many parents alienate their daughter when she’s dating a guy who is not their choice. Clearly the age of the girl plays a part here, but as a general rule, she is going to have to decide what kind of guy is right for her. And she will do it with or without your help. I know it’s hard to see beyond the current struggle, but when it’s not a clear-cut issue (unless he’s abusive or involved in illegal or unethical practices), a key question for you to ask yourself is:

What do I want my forever relationship with her to look like, long past the present situation?

I’m not saying that she doesn’t need your input, because if you say nothing then she doesn’t have your perspective or insight. But if you only criticize and put her boyfriend down, she will run to him because she’ll say, “he understands and ‘gets me’ and gives me space to be me.”

She will interpret anything negative you say about him as an attack on her because she hears you saying that she has bad taste and can’t choose well. This is when a girl gets better at hiding what she’s doing with him if her own heart isn’t convinced he’s not good for her.

Since the focus of my blogs are to you as dads, here are a few practical questions for you to consider:

Dad: Do you talk at her, telling her what you don’t like about him?
Dude: Does he listen to her and side with her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with?

Dad: Do you pull back out of disgust, anger, or disappointment?
Dude: Does he move toward her, embracing her, holding her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with?

Dad: Do you put walls up in your interactions with her to protect your hurting heart over her choice with this guy?
Dude: Does he provide emotional support to lift her up and encourage her while she’s processing hurt and sadness from you?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with?

If I had one piece of advice to give you dads if your daughter is dating a guy you don’t like, it is: Let your actions speak louder than your words. Words are key, but keep them few. Use your words wisely and sparingly. But do use words. (Silence is not an option.)

I do have another piece of advice, though: treat her the way you want a guy to treat her. Don’t back away.

As I said earlier, because more is caught than taught, be the kind of man you want her to marry. Let her experience real love from you. It will provide a good template for comparison. Here are a few questions you can ask her to possibly open up dialogue between the two of you and allow you to help her learn how to think, not just what to think:

• Tell me what you like/love about him? (This way you start with something positive)
• What does he like/love about you?
• How does he let you know he enjoys you?
• What do you laugh about when you’re together?
• Tell me about his family. What is his relationship like with his mother/father/siblings?
• What does he want to be when he “grows up”? 

(She may get defensive with these next ones so be careful to watch your tone so that you aren’t asking with an air of judgment)

• How free are you to use your voice with him? (Saying “yes” and “no”, sharing opinions, preferences, etc.)
• Do you have any concerns about him as a person? (His present/past)
• If there was something about him you could change, what would it be?
• Where do your spiritual beliefs match up and where do they differ?
• What degree or educational goals does he have?
• What career aspirations does he have?
• How do you both navigate conflict when you disagree or differ in your opinions or choices?

These are heavy questions, which is why, depending on where your relationship is with your daughter, you may be able to ask only one or two of them at a time. Yet these questions will give you a template to work from over time in order to draw her out.

And if your daughter is in a relationship that currently breaks your heart, I encourage you to write out (yes, literally write out) a list of specific prayer requests. Watch God work as you use your voice to advocate on your daughter’s behalf with Father God.

And last, I leave you with a question to ponder: How can I maintain a quality relationship with my daughter even if I don’t like the choice she is making with this guy?

Continue to be the dad who outshines the dud so you can be the dude who never varies in his love for his daughter.

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