After a Daughter Loses Her Dad

“I feel closer to my dad now that he’s gone. He used to joke with me and I’d burst into tears. Then he’d say I was too fragile and sensitive. But now he listens really well."

These are words shared with me from a woman who lost her dad just one year ago.

To honor his life, she went skiing on the anniversary of his death to remember and feel closer to him on the mountain where they used to ski together. She continued:

“I wish I would’ve had a chance to know him before he had all of his deep hurts and coping mechanisms. I got the parts of him when his threshold was maxed and then he’d blow. But I always knew there were tender parts of him that were his spirit.”

Such insightful and gracious words, to say the least. 

I wonder what her dad would say now if he could hear her sentiments. I believe he’d respond differently by kindly affirming her and seeking to understand her. 

We’re all aware that our time is limited.

We know there’s a beginning and an end to life here on earth. 

And the older we all get, the more we start looking in our rear view mirror to see there’s more behind us than ahead. 

Yet as hard as we try and imagine how we will be remembered after we’re gone, the reality is that it’s challenging to live every day as if it were our last.

But what a positive difference that awareness makes. 

That said, I want to share with you an email I received from a woman who also recently lost her dad.

Hi Michelle…I've never heard of you before yesterday. However, my dad died very suddenly 10 weeks ago at age 66 (the day before I turned 31). My mom passed me your book--Let's Talk. I didn't know he read your book, but the last 5 years of our relationship have been the best 5. He's shown his love in countless ways...sometimes for no reason. He was a very brilliant and quiet man. I did question his love at times growing up. We have had a sweet last 5 years. He helped me have the courage to buy my first home. He helped me fix it up and build furniture. We went on many dates. I am unsure what role your book played in his life, but I wanted to thank you for writing it. When he died--I had no doubts that he loved me. Glad he is home with his Heavenly Father. 

Although this is a bit of a somber post, my hope is that you’ll take away some powerful themes from the stories of these amazing women. Together they’re saying that the years of relational deposits from their dads have increased in value now that they’re gone. 

Every day that you’re still here is a day where you can positively and proactively invest in your daughter’s life, which makes it a better day than the last. 

I invite you to make a renewed commitment to activate these five things with your daughter, starting today:

1. Listen with more patience and grace 

2. Validate her unique wiring and personality

3. Set aside distractions in order to be fully present

4. Enjoy the distinctive things that make her unique…and tell her what they are!

5. Communicate with her today, telling her that you treasure her and love being her dad 

This is how your presence will remain active and alive in her when you’re no longer here to do and say these things. 

And this is what will empower her to stand alongside these other two women while joining them in saying she had no doubt that you--her dad--always loved her.