7 Things GirlDads “Hate” About Their Daughters…and What To Do About It!

With the holiday season officially underway, we know that pressures mount during this time of year like none other. It’s the excessive demands and numerous agendas and expectations, needs and schedules that push all of us past our normal capacity.

This is the perfect set up for what I call, “relational collisions.”

And yes, as a dad you have weight on your shoulders that your daughter knows nothing about (end-of-year deadlines, extra expenses, challenging family dynamics, etc.). Yet the truth is that your daughter has her own set of circumstances that overwhelm her and push her past her limits too.

So if you want to grow closer to your daughter this holiday season, here’s your survival guide!

I’ll start by validating you as a dad and sharing what most of you typically "hate" from your daughter, followed with practical suggestions about how to proactively and positively respond so that your relationship is strengthened, not hindered, over this next month.

Here are 7 things that tend to overwhelm most GirlDads coupled with strategies for what you can do about it:

1. DRAMA--- You may prefer for your daughter to respond in a calm manner while clearly expressing her feelings and needs. And then You remember back to when she was younger and you could tell her that her tone wouldn’t be tolerated. But the older she’s gotten, the less control you have over her when she uses “that tone of voice.”

Proactive Dad Strategy: You give your daughter a profound gift when she experiences being emotionally “held’ by you without criticism or condensation. This is how she will bond to you when she feels how much you care and love her, especially during a meltdown. This is what “fixing it” looks like to your daughter because when you’re her sounding board and safe place, you help decrease her stress by being in it with her.

2. DIALOGING TOO MUCH (a.k.a. over-talking)--- You may prefer that your daughter “get to the point already” and for her to say what she means more quickly. You’ve discovered that she’s just getting warmed up when you're past your listening limit. One expert says that women speak 20,000 words a day while men speak 7,000. Enough said. You’ve lived it!

Proactive Dad Strategy: When you listen twice as much as you talk while asking more questions than giving answers, you support your daughter in finding her own voice. This is how she learns to problem-solve because she figures things out by talking. If you listen with the belief that she is smart and wise, you’ll be less apt to give answers and will invest more time in asking questions where she learns to figure things out as you cheer her on.

3. DISRESPECT--- This is a BIG one for dads, especially when you step in to defend mom (or her siblings) when your daughter isn’t respecting her (or them). And that’s when things escalate quickly. The truth is that you’re simply trying to de-escalate the situation for everyone, yet you suddenly become “the bad guy.” Then you feel attacked, unsupported, underappreciated, and alone.

Proactive Dad Strategy: If you weren’t there for the whole interaction, and your daughter accuses you of taking everyone else’s side but hers, it's important to take time to listen as she explains. I know this is easier said than done, but the book of Proverbs really does have a good solution here: A soft answer turns away anger. That’s your solution to win the war. Lead by example and soften your tone. Don’t use anger to deal with her anger. Show her what respect looks like in action even when her intensity pushes every button inside you. Give yourself a time out to collect your thoughts while remembering that there’s always a solution and this doesn’t need to be the mountain you die on. You’ll always benefit from coming back later when the air clears with less chance of saying something you’ll regret.

4. DISMISSAL--- When you experience your daughter disregarding, diminishing or dismissing you (or your input), this is a huge trigger for dads. It’s because you want to feel valued and important. You long for your relationship to be like it was when she was younger. You’re trying to figure out why she doesn’t seem to value your input or time with you like she did when she was younger. Now she doesn’t want as much time with you and you watch her make time for other relationships than you.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Ask yourself if you have you dismissed her or caused her to feel devalued or unimportant. If so, make amends. Then realize that some of this might be her stage of development where she’s wanting to “separate and individuate” as a pre-teen or teenager who is responding in ways that are within normal limits. It may help to type these words into your search engine: “what is typical pre-adolescent and adolescent stages of development?” to better understand what’s going on in her brain and body. Or there could be dynamics in her personal relationships that make it hard to open up with you because she’s needing more emotional responsiveness and tenderness. If so, commit to being the dad she’ll want to talk to and the one whose shoulder she can cry on, even if it’s not happening in the ways you’d like it to right now.

5. DISAGREEMENTS--- There’s nothing harder than seeing your relationship disintegrate as conflict intensifies between you, and your daughter rises up to challenge or attack you. That's when it’s very difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to stand upright and steady when the blasts come. Sometimes it may even seem like she’s forgetting or walking away from the way you raised her.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Instead of interpreting her responses as personal rejection, seek to understand her position more than your own. Take time to explore what she’s saying and feeling. Ask more questions than ever before as you hold to the truth that disagreements are not necessarily negative, but can be a place where growth happens while your daughter is learning to think for herself. The beliefs and opinions she has today may not be where she lands tomorrow, or the next day, month or year. Give her room to change her mind. And be honest in letting her know that you’re struggling to figure this out with her but want to grow in being the dad she needs who doesn’t dominate or belittle her in this process of becoming a woman who uses her voice out in the world like she’s learned to do at home.

6. DISTRESS--- When your daughter is suffering or in pain, you want to do everything in your power to fix things and help her feel better. Sometimes she welcomes your support, and at other times she rejects it. As a result, you feel helpless, which then increases your own distress levels because there’s not a solution or remedy. Then you feel what she’s feeling (even if you don’t admit it) and see that she’s still hurting.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Remind yourself that your daughter will grow stronger by overcoming obstacles, navigating conflicts (especially relational ones), and learning to self-regulate in emotionally difficult times. As she processes and problem solves, she’ll internalize the belief that she can do hard things. She’ll discover that she’s more resilient than she knew she was at the onset of the problem. Keep affirming that she’s like a caterpillar who’s turning into a butterfly and her wings will get stronger as she learns to push her way out of the confined, dark space (cocoon). Once she’s airborne, she’ll forget how hard the struggle was and see the value in it while she soars to higher heights. You can give her this perspective while remembering that you truly are making it better by listening and showing empathy.

7. DISTANCE--- I talk to a lot of dads about how much their hearts hurt due to distance from their daughters. Sometimes the distance is tied to divorce where she feels loyal to her mom and is caught in the crossfire. Other times she’s making poor choices and doesn’t want you to be disappointed in her. Regardless, there’s no upside to distance.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Don’t lose heart during the seasons where your daughter is radio silent. I know it’s excruciating to wait when you long to be close to her again. I suggest two things: 

1. Write a list of prayers for her during this time.

2. Write in a journal that you’ll give her when the door is open again where you share thoughts, dreams, memories, prayers, wishes and affirmations.

There you have it, Dad: 7 practical strategies for proactively navigating this Christmas season so you can end the year in a powerfully positive way with your daughter. Go Dad!