Connecting Head and Heart: Understanding a Father's Impact on His Daughter

Whether or not you’re familiar with the Bible, I’m guessing you’ve heard this phrase somewhere about the importance of fathers turning their hearts towards their children.  

When I originally started leading groups for dads of daughters in January 2010, I knew I was being given an amazing yet daunting assignment to help equip dads become more intentional with their daughters by connecting with their hearts. As time has gone on, I’ve pondered the significance of this carefully scripted, yet unusual wording from the last verse of the Old Testament about “turning the hearts of fathers.”

I’ve never had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” toward them, have you? The more common expression is “turn my head.” And as we all know, turning our head is instinctive; we don’t think about it when it happens. We just do it automatically when looking in the direction of someone or something that interests us.

By contrast, turning our heart isn’t reflexive. It’s directed by a decision, a choice, and conscious willingness, maybe even passion.

Most girls I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their dads. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her fill out a FAFSA (federal student aid form) or figure out how to open a bank account or buy her first car. The reality is that we need our dad to bring his rational, logical, intelligent mind to help us navigate life.

This then raises the question: Why did God talk about heart turns and not head turns for fathers?

For the majority of dads I’ve encountered, it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level. Turning his heart is typically harder for a man to do. But I figure that God must have written this directive about a turned heart for a reason, which means not only is it possible for dads to do it, but it also must be important or He wouldn’t have worded it this way.

Because this language is intentional, we’re invited to expand our understanding about the difference between a dad turning his head and turning his heart.

I firmly believe that a turned heart from a dad to his daughter will do more to deposit love, confidence, value, and strength into her life than anything else he could do.

So let’s define our terms:

A turned head:

• Implies that information is being exchanged.

• Means that something or someone has caught the attention of another as mental activity is stimulated.

• Is the seedbed of thought and deliberation, of consideration and contemplation.

• Is where choice originates and decisions are birthed.

A turned heart:

• Implies emotion and connection.

• Can bypass thought, perhaps even words.

• Is responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive.

• Communicates a depth of openness and availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses.

• Is about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

A girl can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned.

So as you head into this next week, set a goal to consciously raise your awareness of how you’re interacting with your daughter and decide to make your heart turns outnumber your head turns.

As you become an expert heart turner, your daughter will be the beneficiary of your efforts!