The 12 BEST Ways to ACTIVELY Listen to Your Daughter

Hi Dad…

If you’re like the hundreds, even thousands, of dads I’ve interacted with over the past 15 years, I’m assuming you want to grow in becoming a better leader.

Truth: You were made to lead. And you are made to love.

One powerful way you can do both of these things simultaneously is to LEAD BY LISTENING. This is what real love looks like in action, especially when you engage your daughter by listening better and longer.

Yet we all know that listening is HARD WORK! And the hard work is worth it when you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life as you give her this gift.

If you make a commitment to grow in learning to lead by listening, I guarantee that your bond with your girl will be stronger and your relationship will thrive!

If you only take away one thing today, let it be this: Listen twice as much as you talk. It’s the “two ears-one mouth principle,” which serves as a reminder to listen way more and way longer.

Now let’s get practical so you can be intentional about leading by listening:

1. Listen with your eyes.
Not only can your daughter read you, but she can see in your eyes whether you’re really listening. She can tell whether your eyes are glazed over and you’re checked out or whether you’re reading her eyes and truly listening to her when she talks. Make it your goal to give her eye contact as she communicates, which lets her know you’re actually listening with your ears.

2. Listen with your head.
When you turn your head towards her as she talks while nodding your head up and down, your body language communicates that you’re tracking with her. Even if you don’t understand what she means or is saying (!!), by slightly moving your head up and down, it says “yes, keep going…I’m here and I’m all ears.

3. Listen with your mouth.
At the very least, make a “hmmm” sound as she talks rather than being completely silent. This reveals that you’re interested and you’re taking in what she’s saying. Then be sure to remind your mouth to smile as she talks so your countenance aligns with your heart desire to express love, care, and genuine warmth.

4. Listen with your brain.
Because men read lines and women read between lines, you can almost guarantee that if you’re thinking something critical or negative while your daughter talks, she’ll pick up on it. So as you listen, talk to your brain and remind yourself that you love her and you want to understand. Then she’ll most likely open up with greater freedom because she will feel safe, loved, and validated.

5. Listen with your entire body.
If you want to be an ‘extra credit dad,’ you’ll actually need to increase your body awareness while realizing that your entire being from head to toe is communicating either a positive (open) or negative (closed) response. Because experts say that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language, this means your daughter is constantly reading your body language to determine whether you’re with her based on how she interprets your non-verbals.

6. Listen by asking questions.
Active listening involves asking questions to keep the conversation moving. My trick to help you do this more effectively is to use the key word/s or last word/s in her sentence to ask a follow-up question. And there’s a double benefit here, Dads, because when you ask questions, it keeps you engaged in the conversation and you’ll be less likely to zone out!

7. Listen thoroughly before speaking.
I’ll always remember what Jim said one night to the guys in The Abba Project because it resonated with all of them: “As I’ve been learning to listen longer to my daughter, I’m realizing how often the question I was going to answer wasn’t the question she was asking!” So as you wait to comment and allow your daughter to share the whole story, you’ll discover the wisdom in holding your tongue as your presence confirms that she’s worth listening to.

8. Listen by inviting repetition.
When you say, “Tell me that again so I make sure to get it,” you’re communicating that what she said is important and you want to make sure you really heard her. This will help her feel valued and honored. Ask her to clarify and tell you more, which will expand your listening muscles and she’ll feel understood by you.

9. Listen in different physical places.
I’ve heard stories from daughters whose dads are no longer alive and they warmly tell of places where they had positive interactions with their dads: a favorite restaurant, a park, the dining room table, kitchen island, or bedroom floors. Find where your daughter tends to open up the easiest and create a rhythm of dialing in when the two of you are together in those spaces.

10. Listen without problem-solving.
Most GirlDads I’ve interacted with tell me they often want to “fix it” when their daughters share a problem. I would suggest following Rick’s sage advice as a GirlDad of three: “Knowing I will never master the art of discerning a ‘just listen’ session from a ‘fix it’ session, I’ve taken the measure of asking my daughters what session we’re in. Now when one gets to a pause in her monologue, I ask if she just wants to talk or if she wants advice.”

11. Listen by welcoming emotion.
This one might be a bit out of your comfort zone, especially if your daughter emotes in extreme ways that push you outside your window of tolerance. The more you can hold your daughter’s emotional intensity and model the responses you’d like her to display (staying grounded, not getting angry, etc.), you’ll notice her nervous system will calm down as she co-regulates with you. This is how she will more quickly move from fight, flight, and freeze to emotional equilibrium.

12. Listen by removing distractions.
This means putting away your phone and setting down the remote. This means choosing a place to listen with as few distractions as possible. If you’re in a public place with sounds and sights all around you, practice disciplining yourself to keep your focus on your daughter’s face despite nudges to look and listen elsewhere.

There you have it: Your 12-step plan for expanding your capacity for becoming a skilled listener.

And in a world where there’s more voices shouting and significantly less listening, you as her dad will stand apart from all the noise by listening longer and stronger to your precious daughter.

And never forget that when you lead by listening, your love always wins.