Dadvice: Be the Life-Breathing Voice in Her Head

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately twenty thousand words per day while males use about seven thousand. Is that a crazy significant difference or what?!

Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words. (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right? Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you are often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken).

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures. And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

Stated another way, words have great value to women, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her (think: vacuum) or they can breathe life into her (think: leaf blower). It’s your choice.

Though I’ve often said that “a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way,” I once heard him say something that has stuck with me ever since: No relationship is neutral. At any given point you are either contributing to or contaminating the relationship.

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• not speaking (which is neutral and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text, call, email, or FaceTime her to tell her that you love her? Or you could take a few minutes to write her a note just to say that you are so thankful to be her dad. Your words are extra meaningful when you take the time to put them in your own handwriting because then she can read them over and over…and we girls love things like that!

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.

Three Little Words That Will Change Your Daughter's Life (and they're not "I love you")

My dad, like every dad, has things he’s done right and things he’s done wrong when it comes to parenting.

There are things he’s proud of (especially the things that were 180 degrees different from what his dad modeled to him) and things he’d rather forget. 

But from my vantage point as a daughter there is one thing in particular that my dad did right, one thing that stands out among the rest, one thing that has touched my heart deeply and has gone a long way to remedy the mistakes, blunders, and the wishes for do-overs. 

It’s a little three-word response that my dad has said so many times over the years that I’ve lost count by now. They are simply:

“Anything for you.”

I wish I could play you a sound byte so you could hear his tone of voice when saying these words, but I assure you that they’re always said in a really kind way.  I don’t know how he’s pulled it off for decades now, but this is truly where he’s gotten it right time and again.

These words are grace. 
These words are mercy. 
These words are generous.
These words are unmerited favor.
These words are good for my heart. Really good. The hot-fudge-with-whipped-cream-and-sprinkles kind of good.

I can’t explain how three little words can change everything, but they do.

I’m guessing there are times my dad truly hasn’t wanted to step up to the plate and give of himself to meet my needs, but he doesn’t let me know that part. He just says these three magic words and gives them as a gift to me. 

And because my “emergencies” and his schedule don’t always line up, this is definitely a priority thing on his part. Whether it was my broken down car on the side of the road, my water heater that went out at 9 pm. and meant he had to drive over late at night when he’d rather be winding down, or the times he’s insisted on mowing my lawn despite his hip causing him pain and being in need of surgery. He has cared about the things, little and big, that matter to me.

You may not know this but my dad literally lacked a role model in the fathering department. His dad was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old. Suffice it to say, being a father was the last thing my dad had a clue about, especially being the father to four girls! But somehow he learned (and was willing to learn) from watching other dads, which proves that any dad can turn things around in his generation regardless of the template he’s been given.

Truth be told, sometimes life has a way of communicating and reinforcing a message to us women telling us that we ask too much. For me personally (when this view is in the forefront), I wind up believing that I need to prove that I’m tough and can navigate things on my own without asking anyone for help, let alone my dad.

But this really isn’t healthy. Or good. Or realistic.

It’s a paradigm that spells disaster because we’re created to need connection and relationship. Simon and Garfunkel understood this concept in spades as they captured the heartache of someone who is closed off from love in their 1965 hit song I am a Rock:

"I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." 

Bottom line:
1. Relationships dispel isolation.
2. It doesn’t work to be self-sufficient where we pretend to be without needs.

Dad, you have the power and the privilege to meet your daughter’s needs, whether or not they seem legitimate or of high priority to you. Listen to what she says and then offer to come alongside and offer your help.

Why not take the step today and add this life-changing vocal triad to your dad-daughter repertoire. 

You’ll get to watch the core of your daughter’s soul take flight as she hears you respond to her convenient and inconvenient requests with these three little yet BIG words:

“Anything for you.”

How to Help Your Daughter Find Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland. But then again, maybe you have! 

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

At first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, Dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, a teenage Alice Kingsleigh, who inadvertently tumbles down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards (all references to adolescent stages of maturity are merely coincidental!). Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is supported by the quirky Mad Hatter (played by Johnny Depp) who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.” 

Then he hits a home run insult by adding, “you’ve lost your “muchness.”

When I first heard that line, it wrapped itself instantly around my core, even as an adult. I actually started crying as those words reverberated inside me as if in full range stereo. There was something about them that immediately struck a cord in me as a woman. I too wondered if I had lost my muchness somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away.

 For me, just like for Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been a positive word. The first memory I have stored in the invisible file cabinet inside my brain is tucked in a folder with the word “much” on it.

The entry has to do with four powerful words that were stated year after year by my elementary teachers on my report cards:  

“ Michelle talks too much.”

(cue visual memories of standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself!)

Digging further into my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “much” folder is that of the innumerable comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me his version of what he thought was “too much” about me. According to him I apparently used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, laughed too much, weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long!). 

Basically it was the same theme (as in childhood), different day.

Here’s where I can relate to Alice: Somewhere along the way I began to doubt that I was enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough. As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies, a guy who seemed to ally with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me. 

Alice, at the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. As she steps forward, sword in hand, she shouts her heroic battle cry and declares, “lost my muchness, have I?”

Though afraid, she boldly faces her fear as she fights and then slays the dreaded Jabberwochy. She uncovers a newfound courage by going through the battle to discover her destiny, which ends the Red Queen’s evil reign of terror. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

But the deeper truth is that she faced her own dragon and in the process, found herself.

• Has your daughter discovered and found her muchness? (that part of her that is passionate and scared… all at the same time; that part of her that wears you out sometimes, but is tied to her calling and gifting and makes her uniquely spectacular)

• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by taking steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?

• Is there a battle she needs to face that holds the key to her embracing her muchness?

Dad, foster your daughter’s muchness. Or if she’s lost it, help her find it again.

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible. 

• Tell her that she has to face her fears in order to be fierce. 

• Let her know that you will support her in any way you can (financially by funding her passions, physically with your presence, spiritually through prayer, and emotionally by listening to what she learns along the way even when interspersed with emotional upheavals) while expressing that there’s no where you’d rather be than in her cheering section because you know she has it in her to be and do more than she believes is possible. Even if she’s afraid.

Your daughter needs you to believe in her, especially when she’s unsure about how to fully believe in herself. 

And always remember that her muchness will change the world. 

Dad, Don't "Should" On Your Daughter

By now, dad, you know that I love giving you what I call, “insider Venusian trade secrets” so that you are more equipped to decode your daughters. Today I’m adding another tool to your fathering toolbox to support that goal. 

I don’t know what it is about the word “should” that makes it a negative, power-packed word on my planet of Venus, but I’m telling you that I literally hear this word all the time. And it ain’t good!

Here are some examples of things I’ve heard from women just this week (for real!): 

• I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I should be grateful for all the good things happening in my life, but I’m just so depressed.

• All my friends are doing things right-like saving money, moving towards marriage, buying a house, having babies, and on it goes. When I see all that’s going right for them, it makes me think of what I’m not doing and all the things I should have been doing long before now. I’m way behind where I want to be and won’t ever catch up.

• When I get around my friends, I constantly compare myself to them and think that I should be more like them. But the truth is that I feel like a fraud. I don’t fit in because they’re all prettier, richer, and more accomplished than me.

• I should be getting up earlier and spending more time with God, but I never get that right either.

• I’m so stressed right now and feel so much pressure constantly to make everyone happy and it seems that someone is always disappointed in me or mad at me. I know I should be doing more, but I can barely keep my head above water as it Is and hardly have any time for myself.

Dad, let me ask you: Does your heart break like mine as you hear these collective voices of self-condemnation that are doused with a thick dose of unrealistic expectations, smothered by the constant pressure to measure up? 

For me, as I worked my way down this list, I noticed a mounting heaviness, even some sadness, as each self-deprecating sentence unfolded. Every one of these women feels like she’s not doing enough or being enough while seeing herself as falling short when she compares herself to those around her. It all amounts to: SHE’s not enough.

In fact, it’s this comparison game that is destroying her self confidence, her happiness, her inner peace, her joy, her optimism, her perspective, her energy…and on it goes. 

I’m guessing you’ve heard similar messages from your daughters.

Here’s what I say time and again to women when I hear these words: “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.”

As you can imagine, initially there’s an awkward laugh because she thinks I meant to say a different word…and that’s part of my strategy for lightening the atmosphere in the room, even if just for a minute. When a woman starts down the dreaded “should” path, my desire is to guide her to see what it’s doing to her. And I’ve discovered that most women don’t even know they’ve said these words until I’ve pointed them out!

Here’s the best part: I notice that a positive shift begins to happen when a woman clearly sees the amount of undue pressure she’s putting on herself. 

Now that you’re more informed about the mental struggles that tend to barrage us as Venusians, I want to point out that even though you don’t intend to add more pressure when addressing things that need changing, the reality is that your daughter is often weighed down by your “should” messages. 

What she hears is that she’s a failure and a disappointment to you. And since she already believes that about herself much of the time anyway, it’s oftentimes more than she can bear. 

And yes, her attitudes and behaviors are things that need correcting and shaping at various times and in certain situations…BUT REMEMBER:

1. It’s all about timing. Wait until you…and she…are in a good emotional space where you are able to convey your message well, which increases the chances that it will be received positively by her. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for disaster.

2. It’s all about noticing. Before speaking, take the time to listen and find out if there’s something deeper going on that may be causing her to be sour or unpleasant. If she’s already had a bad day, decide that now isn’t the time to “should” on her. Come back and talk to her later if you want to reach her heart. And you’ll see that it’s always a win when you speak to her heart – the deeper part – before speaking to her behavior or attitude.

3. It’s all about validating. Make it your goal to hear her side of the story while seeking to understand why things went down the way they did. Wait to give feedback until she’s open, and with this slight course correction in WHEN you respond, HOW you respond, and WHAT you say when you respond, you will increase the likelihood of a successful interaction.

If you’re a dad who doesn’t want to “should” on your daughter, decide today to omit the word “should” from your vocabulary. Instead, find other words to make statements, ask questions, or nudge her to action.

Try it out and let me know how it goes. Better said, I really think you should try this and then let me know how it goes!  :o)

Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!

Dadvice: What to Do When Your Daughter Gets On Your Last Nerve

I had the privilege of hearing renowned author Anne Lamott speak at Powell’s, one of our infamous Portland bookstores. At one point in her talk she had us all uproariously laughing when she admitted that years ago as a new mom and exhausted single parent she had the understandably human thought to put her crying newborn baby boy outside…for just one night…with the dog! (As if those last two qualifiers somehow made it okay!)

It was refreshing to hear Anne’s gut-level honest disclosure about parenting. And it was clear from the enthusiastic response of the crowd that her irreverent revelations about her secret thought life when it comes to mothering brought a bit of relief because most likely every mom and dad in the room could relate to the fact that:

1. Parenting is hard.

2. Parenting is exhausting.

3. Parenting is relentless with no reneging on the commitment.

4. Parenting takes more out of mom and dad than each knew they were signing up for.

5. Parenting has the potential to lead two rational adults to the brink of insanity!

Now let’s shift gears and focus specifically on fathering. 

As a dad you no doubt have had your buttons pushed by your daughter (probably this week…or even today…especially as she grows older). You may have found yourself wondering how she figured out the password that gained her access into your internal hard drive, the one that activates every response in you that you promised you’d never have as a father. 

And there you are, responding in anger or with a harsh reaction, impatience, or indifference, only then to realize that you are regrettably hurting the one who not so long before had you driving around with a sign in the car window that read, “Precious Cargo on Board.”

And though I never want to come across as a “know-it-all,” I’d love to offer a word picture that might come in handy next time she gets on your last nerve and you’re ready to move in a more positive direction. 

Think back to the day she was born when you saw her as a delicate little flower. 

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her.  

Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful?

Truth be told:  This is how you still need to think of “holding her.”  She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She still needs to be handled with kid gloves, even when she’s being challenging.

I’d even suggest posting one of her baby pictures in a place where you see it every day as a daily reminder that she has a special place in your heart, even when you’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.

One thing that my dad has had to do with me at times like this is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways).  I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him (or for most men), but it can be done. 

I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect, but I do want to challenge you to have a conversation with your mouth and commit to not venting anger or reacting with harshness toward your daughter from this day forward. Or at least for today. 

And the next time you’re triggered, choose to walk away and ground yourself first by breathing deeply or getting some fresh air before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful little flower with your words of life. You’ll both thrive as a result. 

I Don't Speak Feelings (Guest Blog by Dr. Joe Martin)

Here’s a fun backstory to today’s guest blog: After I recently wrote my Dad-Daughter Friday blog titled, I Don’t Speak ‘Car,’ the first person to respond was my friend, Dr. Joe Martin, who said, “Now we need to do one written to fathers to teach us how to speak 'feelings'.” That’s when I knew he was the perfect person address this issue as a dad to a teenage daughter who understands the unique challenges of speaking her emotional language. Enjoy!
~Michelle

How would you like to take a 5-day cruise to the Bahamas with your wife, or the woman of your dreams, watch the sunset off the balcony of your cruise suite; go snorkeling together, hold hands walking on the beach, get massages, go dancing, sing Karaoke together, and sip drinks with tiny umbrellas in them? Sounds good, right?

But how would you like to do all those things and have your teenage daughter tag along with you? What you talk'in about Willis? (in my best Gary Coleman voice)  

That's right! My beautiful wife and I decided to take my precocious, 16-year old daughter on a cruise to the Bahamas for Spring Break. What could possibly go wrong living in the confines of a cabin with two women, one bed, one sofa, and one bathroom?!

Let's just say, it was a vacation to remember! (or forget - depending on if you're a glass half-empty-half-full kind of guy).

My friend, Dr. Michelle Watson, wrote a wonderful article a couple of months ago about women not being able to "speak car,” which she defined as a challenge she’s experienced in not always being able to communicate in ways that men understand. I absolutely and thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a lot. 

However, after spending almost a week in a cabin and on a boat with two women, let's just say, Dr. Michelle needs to write another article, but this time to women to educate them on the way that men often struggle to relate to them, calling it, "I don't speak feelings."

Here are just a few lessons I learned from my five days on a cruise ship with my wife and daughter, drenched in estrogen. (Play at your own risk if you choose to let your daughter or wife read this!)

Lesson #1: Apathy: "If you don't ask about it, that means you must not care."

I didn't know that my inability to ask 21 questions reflects my insensitivity to the "isn't it obvious" needs of a woman. I can't tell you how many times I heard the following questions (and you can fill in the blank with whatever you choose): 

"Sweetie, aren't you're going to _________?"  
"Daddy, why didn't you do __________?"
"Baby, how could you forget to do _________?"
"Daddy, you're not going to ask me about _________?"

I didn't know that not knowing what a woman wants and thinks without her telling us means that we either don't care, don't really want to go, or we’d rather be doing something else. But it definitely can't mean “we didn't know."

---

Lesson #2: Insensitive: "If you question my mistake, then you're not being loving."

My daughter lost one of our bags that contained most of my wife's valuables. Could you imagine how upset my wife was; and she was sure to let my daughter know about it. But during the entire time, I didn't say a word; I just sat back an observed.  

I must admit, my wife handled the situation like a pro (much better than I would have). But as soon as my daughter tried to make an excuse and shift the responsibility to my wife (Can you believe that?), before I could get even three words out, my daughter burst into tears claiming I was bashing her, criticizing her, and being insensitive to her feelings. And I didn't even finish my thought! 

I didn't know that a man should refrain from teaching, questioning, or correcting a woman when she's feeling bad about doing something wrong or refusing to accept responsibility for it.

#3: Selfishness: "If you don't respond to my requests quickly, then you must only care about yourself."

On the cruise, I felt like I was part of the ship staff. Because I guess it was agreed upon, without my knowledge before the trip, that I would be the personal valet for my wife and daughter. I would be on-call 24 hours a day to get all the drinks, grab all the towels, and get all the midnight snacks whenever requested.  

Of course, to survive the trip, and still have a bed to sleep in, I did everything without complaint. However, my teenage daughter thought my delays were my personal rejection of her, and she felt like I didn't care about attending to her needs as much as I did her mom's.  

Coincidentally, I wore a Fitbit during the cruise, so I surpassed at least 10,000 steps every day during our time on the ship. How is that even possible? I was running so many errands on the cruise that I seriously thought about asking the crew for a uniform and filling out a W-2 form!

I didn't know that when you're in the company of two women and you're a dude, you're supposed to be ready to respond to their beck and call as they continue to do what they want to do, not what you want to do; otherwise, you're being selfish.

---

Lesson #4: Anger: "If you take time away to be away from me, you must be mad at me, someone, or something."

I know most people go on vacation to do stuff, go a lot of places, and try different things. However, the perfect vacation for me is me doing absolutely NOTHING and reading a good book and sleeping - disconnected from the world. Boring, yes, I know, but definitely relaxing to me.   

However, I must qualify this statement, I intentionally tried to do almost everything that my family requested (with joy), from snorkeling, working out, acupuncture (yes, that's right), to singing karaoke, which my loving family forced me to do; then they secretly videoed me impersonating Prince and proceeded to post it on Facebook. I'm still getting text messages and weird stares about that.  

However, as soon as I decided to find a hide-a-way to go read, drink, and relax, I received more questions than a perp on Law and Order:

"Are you okay?"
"Are you upset about something?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Where did you go?"
"Why are you hiding from us?"

Who knew "going away" meant you're getting angry? I thought it just meant getting away.

I'm sure there were other lessons I missed. And for the most part, I still managed to enjoy the vacation, spend some time with my wife, and even bond with my daughter (we had a dress-up dinner date without mom - priceless), but the trip felt more like boot camp than a vacation.

All I can say is, as soon as Dr. Michelle publishes her book for men on "speaking feelings," I'm purchasing the first copy. Trust me, it's destined to be a best seller.  
_____

Dr. Joe Martin is an award-winning international speaker, author, and educator who has authored nine books. He is also the host of the #1 radio podcast on iTunes for Christian Men called Real Men Connect and heralds from Chattanooga, TN where he lives with his wife and teenage daughter. You can connect with him at www.realmenconnect.com.

Closing the Dream Gap

Over the past couple of years a new term has emerged called the ‘Dream Gap.’ You may have already heard of it, but for me this is something I just learned about recently. And because it’s rocking my world, I wanted to bring it to your attention, Dads.

Let’s start with the historical context:

In 2017 researchers from NYU, Princeton, and the University of Illinois collaborated to present findings from their ground-breaking research, revealing that by the age of five, girls quit dreaming and stop believing they can be anything they want to be or do anything they set their minds to. By contrast, boys in this age range are not experiencing the same things.

They also reported that by the age of six, girls stop associating brilliance with their gender and start avoiding activities that require what they perceive to be high levels of intelligence. Further, the more heart-breaking reality is that when these gender stereotypes regarding a lack of intellectual ability in females take root early, they are believed to have life-long negative impacts on their interests, choices, and career paths.

In other words, when girls decline involvement in activities they believe are reserved only for those who are “really, really smart,” they tend to make choices not to engage in activities where they might have otherwise flourished had they tried. And these restrictive beliefs block young girls and women from pursuing their aspirations, which researchers believe correlates to women being underrepresented in fields that value genius, such as philosophy or physics.

[You can read more about these findings at: https://bit.ly/2RWRpky]

One mom’s story:

In her blog, “Life with my Littles,” Chelsea Johnson shares her personal story around this theme: 

“I first heard about the Dream Gap back in May at Barbie headquarters, and it hit me hard. My daughter just turned four, and right now, she is such a bright, shining light in our family. She loves imagining who she can become and her dream is to become a worker (a construction worker) and a veterinarian (we’re lucky Barbie makes a vet doll and a builder doll!). One day she wants to build her own veterinary clinic. To her, anything is possible, and I want her to always believe that she can be or do anything she wants.

When I heard about the Dream Gap and what research has shown, I was terrified for her. I have friends with daughters between five and seven, and they’ve casually said things to me that have shown me that this gap is real in their daughter’s lives. I don’t want my daughter, or any other girl, to doubt her potential or to think that just because she’s a girl she can’t become who she wants to. Even if you don’t have a daughter, I’m sure you can relate to this feeling.”

Yes, I can relate to this feeling because this is my story:

Sometimes people assume that I’m intelligent simply because I have letters after my name. Yet regardless of what people tell me, here is my standard response every single time someone makes a comment about my academic accomplishments: “I’m not that smart…I just work hard.”

Until reading this research, I hadn’t considered that I’m actually perfectly positioned inside this stereotypical norm group, mostly because of my own self-deprecating beliefs. Even more, I assumed that I would be convinced I was smart enough after graduating with my doctorate, which included doing my own research, then writing and defending my dissertation.

But unfortunately, I wouldn’t say that there has been a positive shift in this area in the last decade. So here I am as an educated woman who still doesn’t fully believe that I have enough intellect to be considered truly intelligent.

The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what enough would look like if I had it. I just know that I don’t believe I have as much as I possibly could have.

Did you notice how many times I used the word enough? I assure you that I don’t believe I’m dumb. In fact, I know I have smarts. It’s more that I don’t think I’m smart enough.

You’re probably a step ahead of me and can see that this statement elicits a follow-up question: Smart enough for what or smart enough in comparison to whom? Do you see how relative all of this is and how nebulous these concepts are? What does ‘enough’ even mean in practical terms?

I have an answer.

I was never as smart as Stephanie Weirson, a girl who was in my class from grade school through high school. And it seemed that every time we had a test, she finished long before I was even to the half way point. Solidifying her elevated position in my mind, she was always at the top of the leader board when our grades came out. So Ms. Weirson became my internalized standard against which I measured myself and she was always ahead of me because somehow I linked speed of responses to IQ. Yet now that I say it out loud, I realize how absurd that is!

I have honestly never said any of this out loud quite like this…until now. So here I am admitting that somewhere along the way I adopted a skewed “grid for smartness” and it has gone unchallenged and uncontested…until now.

I’m reluctant to admit this, but the reality is that I self-deprecate as much as the next woman even though, on the outside, no one would guess that I do.

As a result, I’ve been believing a lie that hasn’t been broken because it’s never been spoken.

Defining the ‘Dream Gap’ in more detail:

In response to the study I mentioned at the start of this blog, Mattel launched a global campaign just three months ago called the ‘Dream Gap Project.’ Their goal is to close the gap that stands between girls and their full potential through raising awareness of gender biases and stereotypes that are placed on them at a young age, reinforced primarily by the media and from subtle messages by adults. Thus, they are encouraging girls to counter their self-limiting beliefs by dreaming for more while reaching for the stars.

On their website, Mattel boldly states their motivation behind this initiative:

“The Dream Gap is a crisis not only because it robs girls of the ability to value themselves in an essential context. Dreaming is the key to a future in which more than 80 percent of jobs are STEM-related [Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math], and so we are all robbed. Simply put, dreaming, if we define that term as imagining new possibilities, exploring new worlds and thinking new thoughts, is what makes innovation and new breakthroughs possible.”

In this short video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpLT8bEQ78A], a group of adorable young girls collectively use their voices to define the ‘Dream Gap’ in this way:

“Starting at age five, girls stop believing they can be presidents, scientists, astronauts, big thinkers, engineers, CEOs, and the list goes on. Why? Because what else are we going to believe when we are three times less likely to be given a science-related toy…and when our parents are twice as likely to Google ‘Is my son gifted?’ than ‘Is my daughter gifted?’ That’s not cool.”

Keeping true to their word to increase purposeful dreaming in girls through imaginative play, Mattel recently announced their Girl of the Year as Luciana Vega, whom they describe as “a creative, confident 11-year old girl and aspiring astronaut who dreams of being the first person to go to Mars!”

I am excited that empowered role models are being shown to young girls that invite them to think outside of a stereotypical box as they hold dolls that embody intelligence and strength. This sentiment is reinforced by the little girls in the above-mentioned video as they say:

“We need to see brilliant women being brilliant. And see how they got to where they there. To imagine ourselves doing what they do. But we can’t do it alone. Mom, dads, brothers, bosses, we need all of you to help. We need to close the dream gap. It’s up to all of us.”

How a Dad Can Help Close the ‘Dream Gap’:

You may feel like there’s very little you can do to override the powerful undertow of our cultural tide that comes against your daughter with negative messages that attack the very qualities that you seek to see displayed in her. You may believe your efforts are futile to successfully celebrate your daughter’s creativity, brilliance, optimism, vision, and passion when she isn’t always met with the same enthusiasm and support outside of your home.

As a dad you have the privilege of standing in the gap for your daughter so she can hear your affirming voice above the rest. You get to speak life into her spirit and applaud her uniqueness by supporting her dreams and goals (even if they’re different than the dreams and goals you have for her.)

This is where we as girls and women need YOU, our dads, to:

1. Challenge us to face our fears

2. Let us know that it’s okay to be afraid through this process of honing our vision

3. Remind us that in your eyes we’re a winner when we give our best, even if we don’t win first prize

4. Believe that we’re enough when we don’t believe that we are

5. Run alongside us while we’re learning to dream beyond our natural limitations

6. Coach us with wisdom about the fact that character is proven when we get back up after we fall

7. Cheer us on with your unwavering support as you speak life-breathing words into us

8. Repeat the truth that success is in the journey, not just in the outcome

9. Tell us that you’re proud of us and love us no matter what

And, Dad, if you want one more idea to help your daughter close the dream gap, I encourage you to invite her to write a list of TEN OUTRAGEOUS THINGS SHE WISHES SHE HAD THE NERVE TO DO. Then have her date and sign it.

A decade ago I wrote out my list of ten outrageous things and one of them was “to write a book.” It seemed like a crazy impossibility at the time, but then in 2014 my first book was released. So I speak from personal experience when I say: Dream it and do it!

For extra dad points, you can create your own list, modeling to your daughter that you’re never too old to set new goals and think forward in expanding normal limits. This list can also serve as a prayer guide as you agree with God to support your daughter to live beyond her natural limits as she is released into his supernatural calling on her life!

Dad, you can help to close the dream gap today by standing in the gap with your daughter.

Five Steps for Taking Away the MYSTERY of Father Your Daughter

I often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated and complex, confusing and unpredictable. I get that.

But believe it or not, I honestly believe that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem…once you figure out the simple tricks to gaining access to our hearts, that is!

My decoding strategy for you is coming to you straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships.  Of course you know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s nothing better than learning from the best!

Here are five “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense (and may seem SPOOKY to you!).

(And if you don’t want to read further and just want a one-step plan, I would say to be gentle, soft, and calm.  And yes, those ARE manly words, I assure you, because only a strong man can accomplish this…it’s hard!).

Here goes:  There were two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. 

Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out. 

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. 

1.  He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2.  He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name.  And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will usually come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3.  He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism.  Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up.  So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.”  He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4.  He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task.  That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time!  Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion.  Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions.  Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down.  How kind of him to notice.  If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5.  He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.”  The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her.  When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time.  Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.
Summing up: 

• When your daughter is melting down, sit alongside her and listen to her vent, move towards her and lovingly say her name.

• Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” 

• Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one thing. 

I know it’s easier said than done but these five things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity.  And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you, Dad, were there in it with her.

Choose one thing from the list above right now and commit to putting it into action this week out of love for your daughter, which is the best way to turn this week into a “HalloWIN” celebration! 

To Boo or Not to Boo...That is the Question

Since this is Halloween Week, it seems only fitting to share something that might be considered a treat (if this indeed is helpful, that is!)…or maybe it’s a trick. I’ll let you decide.

First, a question: When you hear the word “boo!” what comes to mind?

I’m guessing that you’re picturing someone shouting that word while jumping out from a hiding place towards you. And if the attempt is successful, you probably had the bageebers scared out of you when they did!

But instead of that specific reference point, I’m switching things up today (hence, the trick!).

When I hear the word “boo,” I immediately think of an audience in a sports arena loudly shouting that word to a referee when they disagree with a call. Can you envision that roaring sound as an entire crowd of strangers bonds over their shared opinion in response to a team they love?

In that context, the word “boo” expresses disagreement and intense displeasure, which basically lines up with Webster’s definition of it being a response marked by someone “showing disapproval or contempt.” This led me to look up the word contempt, which is described as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.”

 That said, I’m wondering if you as a dad are more readily inclined to shout a “boo” or a cheer.

If we’re being honest, we can all admit to having “boo-ed” someone before. In those times we can easily move into a “one up” position that not only communicates disapproval, but might come across as mockery of the other person’s decision or position. Of course that isn’t typically our intention, but that’s how the other person could perceive it, especially daughters from their dads.

We as women are easily devastated with that kind of negative interaction, even if sometimes we’re the one who started it. That’s where you as a dad have to be the bigger person. I’m not sure why it is, but there’s something that becomes magnified inside us as girls when there’s a disapproving look from you even if words aren’t spoken. We have feelers on top of feelers and then we internalize your disapproval. Honestly, there’s nothing worse than knowing we’ve disappointed you. It’s not the same as if some stupid kid at school says it.

It’s like we lose our footing if that viewpoint comes from someone we admire or elevate, especially you.

When it comes to our dads, it’s a devastating blow when you “boo” us. That’s when we start believing that we’re “less than” or worthless or deserving of your scorn because that’s what we hear you saying about us (even if you’re unaware that this is what’s being communicated). It’s then that we often stop trying because we think that we can’t please you anyway. Or we get hurt when you haven’t noticed how hard we’re trying because you only notice the things we aren’t doing (hence, the “boo”).

 The weight of the relationship has everything to do with the impact of the opinion.

 So if you’re a dad who wants to ensure that you’re not “boo-ing” your daughter, use these questions to reflect on how you interact with her:

• Does your daughter hear your comments about her clothing only when you disapprove of the choices she’s made?

• Does she know when you do approve of how she’s dressed because she hears you telling her that she’s beautiful in your eyes?

• Do you readily make your opinion known when you don’t like the guy she’s interested in or do you make sure she knows how proud you are of her when she chooses well, especially when it comes to guys? (you might have to dig deep on this one to find something worthy of your commendation)

• Do you let her know your disapproval when she doesn’t do her chores or follow the rules, but fail to celebrate when she does respond positively and do things right?

• Do you come down hard on her when her grades start to slip, but forget to applaud her when she hits it out of the ballpark on tests or gets her homework done?

• Does your daughter get an earful when you disapprove of the way she interacts with her siblings, but rarely hears you notice all the times she works hard to get along with them?

Remember that negativity breeds negativity so if you want your daughter to grow and thrive, she needs to hear you cheering her on from the stands more than using that three letter word.

So Dad, ask yourself if you’ve shouted more “boo’s” than cheers this week. Then give your daughter a Halloween treat by letting her know that you’re celebrating her with affirmation and encouragement…just because you love her.