Guys, Are We Afraid of Asking "Hard" Questions? (Guest Blog by Alex Gerber)

A few months ago I sent an email to Dr. Michelle with this question: “I was wondering...have you ever thought about applying your insights on dad-daughter relationships from ‘Let's Talk’ to a book about marriage? I've been finding your stuff in the ‘Let's Talk’ book to be incredibly helpful for my relationship with my daughters, and it also seems applicable to the marriage relationship too.” 

She immediately wrote back and said, “Wow...there’s an idea I haven’t thought of! I do often remind dads that their wife (or ex-wife) is a daughter too so all these things with their daughters also apply to marriage. I haven’t felt led to write a marriage book, but here’s an idea: What if you gave my book to 10 or 15 guys and then created a support group to apply the same principles to better understand and pursue the hearts of your wives.”

That’s all it took for me to reach out to 12 guys and ask if they would be willing to ask their wife this question: On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you?

There was a common thread in their initial responses: “That’s a hard question!”

Several were actually not sure if they really wanted to know the answer to this question. And some were afraid to even ask.

Perhaps we as men all hoped that if we asked, we would get at least an 8 or 9. But what if we got a 4 or a 5? How would that feel?

Now I have a question for you guys who are reading this: How would you respond if you got a low number response?

Would you be angry, upset, or defensive?
Would you be deeply wounded?
Would you blame her…or yourself…for the low score?

Or, would you be curious and say, “Please tell me more about why you scored me that way?” or “How can I improve my score?”

To be honest, I was afraid to ask.

Afraid of hard questions that might expose a broken connection.
Afraid of how my wife might answer.
But mostly, afraid because I knew our connection was damaged and I just didn't know how to “fix” it.

“Fixing" a low score, at least to me, involved doing something I thought needed to be done to solve the problem. Then even if she shared something good, if I missed the mark on how she needed to feel more connected to me, my “score” still probably wasn't going to improve.

I’ve realized that when I try harder and harder to “fix” it, we both end up feeling farther and farther away, disconnected. Then I end up even more afraid to ask the tough, difficult questions and more frustrated with where we are.

Asking “harder,” deeper, better questions about our relationships and about how we can improve can be intimidating. Yet it’s also very revealing.

But it is one key way to connect deeper to the heart of the woman and daughters we love.

And finding a way into that depth is essential, in my opinion, to building a strong, healthy connection with her.

I was encouraged recently when asking this same question to a larger group of approximately 50 men.

There were several who were curious to learn more about what their spouse (or girlfriend) might say and how they could connect better.

Even if they felt afraid, they asked. And then they shared the responses they heard. It was clear they wanted a better relationship and were interested in feedback on how to get there.

Guys, how can we move past fear?
How can we love well, listen curiously, and connect deeper?
And how will you know if you are connecting well unless you ask?

Are you ready to be an intentional, courageous man and jump into curiosity about how you are connecting with your wife (or girlfriend) and your daughters?

If you're reading this article through, I'm going to say, YES, YOU ARE!

A man who moves past fear and into the risk of deeper conversations will discover huge potential for discovery, intimacy, and growth.

Let's do this, dads!

Be amazed at the wonder you will uncover in asking and hearing the answer to this simple “hard” question.

Once again, here’s the question to ask your wife (or girlfriend): On a scale of 1 to 10, how deeply do I connect with you…and how can I improve my score?

Ask it today, with a curious, humble heart.

Alex Gerber describes himself as "just a regular guy" who lives in Charleston, SC. He works as a home health physical therapist. He has two daughters Savannah (10) and Eloise (7). They enjoy “adventuring”, being outside, fossil hunting, and playing silly games. He enjoys running, surfing, hiking, camping, and being in nature. Also enjoys asking curious questions to learn and prompt deep thought.

Put Your Love In Writing (a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!)

Merry Christmas Dad! I know we’re all pressed for time as we get closer to December 25th, so I’m meeting you where you’re at with a last minute Christmas gift that’s guaranteed to be your daughter’s favorite!

If you want to give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

Put Your Love In Writing

This week I hosted an online Zoom forum for dads of daughters, which was a new thing for me to try….and we all loved it! There’s nothing I love better than gathering with fathers from across the country who all have a similar goal of pursuing their daughter’s hearts with more intention. 

[I do plan to do more of these online gatherings as I’m seeing the practical benefit of meeting in this way….so stay tuned!]

One thing we discussed was the idea of dads giving their daughters a special gift this Christmas by writing a letter to love and bless them.

If you want to join these dads and give your daughter a Christmas gift this year that: 

• Won’t cost any money

• Won’t require driving to the mall (you’re welcome!)

• Will only take 30 to 45 minutes of your time

• Is guaranteed to be one of her all-time favorite gifts…then get your pen ready!

One of the greatest presents you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. 

I speak from personal experience by sharing that I’ve saved all the letters and cards my dad has ever made me. And I’ve heard innumerable stories from other daughters who also have saved letters and cards from their dads, which are sacred treasures, especially for those whose dads are no longer here to tell them in person that they are loved.

And in a world where written communication is increasingly digital (texts, emails, tweets), a letter scripted in your own handwriting is sure to stand out as unique.

Dad, put your words of affirmation, acceptances, belief, encouragement, promise, and praise into writing because your daughter will treasure what you say to her for a lifetime. 

The time you spend now putting your thoughts, feelings, prayers, wishes, hopes, and dreams into written form will pay dividends long after you’re gone as she reads and rereads your words.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or you are a tentative newbie, I want to share a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper challenge. 

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What is one of the first things you remember about her from when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality, etc.)?

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, and power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

Dad, as you give your daughter the gift of a letter from you this Christmas, I guarantee it will be one of her favorite gifts that will last a lifetime.

7 Questions Dads Should Ask Their Daughters to Help Them Process the Texas Shooting

If you’re a dad who has felt overwhelmed this week about how to address the massacre in Uvalde, Texas with your kids, you’re not alone.

Tom is a dad to four young daughters and today he wrote and asked, “If you could give us dads any suggestions on how we should talk to our daughters about the shooting in Texas, we’ll take any advice we can get.”

I celebrate dads like Tom who are proactive in seeking to be a safe place for your daughters to process this tragedy that is out of their control and has most likely increased their anxiety.

Yet in the midst of crises, here’s a truth that prompts us to action.

Did you know that when we talk out and release the heaviness we hold inside, we actually “trauma bond” with those who enter into the trenches with us? And a trauma bond is the strongest bond two people can have.

This means that you have an opportunity right now to connect and attach even more with your daughter as you invite her to talk, grieve, feel, and heal…with you.

I want to highlight that there’s no right way or easy way to have a sobering conversation about why a deranged 18-year old shooter would commit a random act of violence that senselessly ended the lives of 19 kids and two teachers. Yet I also want to say that some conversation is better than no conversation. Your home should be the place where you as a family can wrestle through the hard topics that don’t necessarily have a precise answer.

Let me say it another way: The way you process the hard stuff matters more than explaining why the hard stuff happens. You don’t need to have all the answers, but by initiating and entering into this heavy topic with her, you give your daughter permission to process openly.

And the best gift you can give her is to stay with her through the entirety of her emotional process. This kind of response communicates that you’re in it with her for as long as it takes to express all her tears, fears, and questions. Expect her to be extra sensitive right now, often in other areas of her life, since it’s common for kids to vent their emotions through another portal rather than where the emotion or pain is actually rooted.

Dad, if you want to open up a conversation with your daughter about how she’s processing the Texas shooting, I suggest spending one-on-one time with your girls individually. This will let each one know that you really care about what she is experiencing.

Here’s a way you could say it: “Hi honey…I know how hard this week has been for you since hearing about the senseless shooting of innocent kids and teachers in Texas. As your dad, I’ve felt the heaviness too. And I’ve learned that when we put words to our feelings, it helps us move forward and heal because we’re connecting with those who walk with us through the hard stuff while helping us feel less alone and overwhelmed. Would you be willing to talk with me as I ask questions that invite you to share more about what you’re carrying in your heart?”

1. What has been the scariest part of hearing about the mass shooting of 19 kids and two teachers this week?
[Your daughter needs to know that it’s normal for her to feel heightened fear right now. And without making light of the deaths of 21 people, let her know that these are rare occurrences and it’s highly unlikely to happen to her. She needs you to validate her fear while assuring her of your presence and availability, reminding her that she’s safe now. You could also give her one of your shirts to hold onto so she feels you near her.]

2. What makes you sad as you think about the lives that were lost?
[Your daughter needs to be given permission to grieve and cry---even if her tears are only on the inside---so that her pain has a release. Let her know that our tears have salt in them and salt is a healing agent. So when we cry, our hurting hearts heal. Tell her about how your heart is sad too.]

3. What about this horrific tragedy makes you angry?
[Be aware that internalized unexpressed anger often leads to depression. So by encouraging your daughter to give voice to her anger over wrongdoings, evil and injustice, you help to support and strengthen her mental and emotional health.]

4. If you could say anything to the shooter right now, what would you say?
[Let your daughter freely express to you the gambit of words and feelings inside her---in whatever way she needs to express them---because this helps to counter any potential for numbness, disconnection or apathy.]

5. If you could compassionately say anything to the families or friends of those who died, what would you say?
[By asking your daughter this question, you are teaching her how to hold more than one reality simultaneously----she can tap into her anger at this injustice while also holding empathy. If your daughter is young, she could draw a picture as a gift to express love to the survivors.]

6. If you could ask or tell God anything about this situation, what would it be?
[Your daughter may blame God for this tragedy because He didn’t stop the shooter. She may struggle to understand how a loving God could allow bad things to happen to good people. Let her know that you don’t have these answers, but have faith to believe that God will walk through this valley of the shadow of death with them. Pray together for the families and friends who lost loved ones and ask for supernatural comfort for their grieving hearts. For younger girls, they could draw a picture of their prayer or wish.]

7. What do you need from me right now to feel comforted, supported, and loved?
[Your daughter may need extra hugs or she might need extra space. She may enjoy being closer to you as you share a meal or just get coffee. Others might want to work out the intensity through physical activity, such as a long walk, bike ride or hike with you while others might value a hand-written note to let her know you treasure her.]

Dad, as your daughter reflects on the lives that were lost, she will always remember that you were here in real time…with her. I assure you that she will cherish your warmth and kindness as you listen to her, care about her hurting hurt, and hold this sacred space…with her.

So let the talking…and empathizing…begin.

How to Talk With Your Daughter About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

[LONG BLOG ALERT! Yes, this is the longest blog I’ve ever written…and that is due to it being a very complex topic that merits a thorough overview, which I believe will ultimately lead you to greater success in navigating this conversation with your daughter. Read as much or as little as you need…and then share with other dads (and moms too). Go team!]

Is it just me or are you experiencing a bit of déjà vu right now? It seems like the sexual revolution of the 60’s is back again. That was a time when themes of sex, sexuality, sexual liberation, and all that goes with it, hit our American culture like an unexpected tsunami.

Now here we are, over 50 years later, and our nation is in a similar place. In our day, knowing how to talk with your daughter about issues like sexual orientation, gender identity, and same-sex attraction can seem overwhelming.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, you’re probably drowning in conversations around these topics lately. Yet most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But we can’t avoid this topic anymore. This is the world your daughter lives in, and she needs you to help her process it (even if she doesn’t know it!).

It’s clear. If you’re not talking about these things with your daughter, you need to be. Even if you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t weigh in on these subjects with her, then every other voice will outrank, influence and guide her except yours.

Understanding Cultural Pressure

To illustrate the current cultural magnitude of this topic, if you type into your search engine, “how to talk with your child about gender” you’ll see nearly 600,000 results.

You’ll see everything from gender fluidity to gendered pronouns to transgender to LGBTQ to non-binary to gender nonconforming. The list goes on. Your daughter is clearly growing up in a world that is very different than the one you grew up in.

I receive increasing numbers of emails from dads asking me how to navigate this tricky topic of sexuality and same-sex attraction with their girls.

Real Dads with Real Questions

Here are two recent examples of questions on these topics:

“My 13-year-old daughter has made huge progress this year, and I have been relentless in trying to empower her. We are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. How do I guide her while she is questioning her sexuality?”.

“My daughter is 25 and has been in a homosexual relationship for about 2.5 years. I feel it’s my fault for not connecting with her in her preteen years. I am a Christian and believe that God has something better for her than this lifestyle. How do I connect to her to help pull her out of this situation? Desperate.”

You can hear these father’s hearts and cries for help. They don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. But they also admit that they really don’t know the right thing to say either.

My goal is to support you as a dad so that your interactions with your daughter have a better chance of being successful, especially around the issues of same-sex attraction and sexuality.

So, I want to share my response to this second email above. Perhaps my words will provide some key talking points for you to use with your daughter.

My Response for Dads on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dear Desperate Dad...

I’m glad you reached out and are open to hearing some of my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge that you’ll be weighing my input with your own conscience as you choose your next steps with your daughter.

First, I love that you want to connect with your daughter to talk about her same-sex relationship. Yet, truth be told, since she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions and likely won’t listen to you because you hold a position different than hers.

Your primary goal must be to connect with her heart. This begins with being a great listener more than being a great talker. Ask questions that invite her to share what’s going on in her life rather than forcing her to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Second, when you do talk to her about this weighty subject, there needs to be a solid relational foundation under it first. So, let me ask: Are you regularly connecting with her to talk about lighter, broader topics? So, it can hold this heavier, more intense topic? If not, start there.

Next question: How close would you say the two of you are on a scale of zero to ten (with ten being the closest)? If your number is five or below, I would suggest waiting to talk with her about her relationship. Hold off until you’ve connected with her about other areas of her life that have less potential for misunderstanding, hurt, hostility, arguments, etc.

Third, as much as we believe that the Bible is clear in stating:

• That God has created us as His male and female image bearers (Genesis 1:26)

• Where a man is directed to leave his father and mother to be united to his wife as one flesh (Genesis 2:24)

• No longer two but one, with no one separating what God has joined together (Matthew 19:4-6)

The reality is that not everyone interprets the Bible the same way.

Of course, we can use the Bible to speak into the lives of those we love. But when all is said and done, each of us has a free will where we choose to respond to God’s Word individually. With your daughter being a grown adult, she has to choose for herself which path to take.

The more poignant question then becomes: How will you love her even when she makes choices other than what you would prefer or choose for her?

Wise Words from a Seasoned Saint

I remember listening to the 20/20 interview between Hugh Downs and Billy Graham back in 2003. It was (and still is) one of the most powerful and gracious perspectives on the topic of same-sex attraction I’ve ever heard.

Here is the actual transcript of their conversation:

Hugh: I’d like to get your opinion also about homosexuality. What do you feel about that?

Billy: Yes, well I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin...but, the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and...hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. And so, I don’t think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today.

Hugh: If one of your children had been gay, would you have ceased to love that child?

Billy: No. I would not. I would love him even more maybe!

Come Humbly to Your Daughter

Here’s how I closed my letter to “Desperate Dad”:

That said, I would advise you to come humbly to this conversation with your daughter.

Be fully aware that you are neither her judge nor jury.

• Ask her questions about how she experienced her pre-teen years when you weren’t there for her.

• Make amends and ask forgiveness while being aware that you too are a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.

• Remind yourself that her choices are no worse than those you’ve made.

• You can share your fears or concerns at some point, but make sure they are first covered with prayer, grace, love, gentleness, and “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).

If she feels your judgment, she will distance herself from you rather than experiencing the love of a father who champions his daughter.

I pray your daughter will always know that you unconditionally love her as she rests in knowing that the door to your home and your heart is always open to her.

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

Responding to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dad, I acknowledge that this level of deep dialogue can easily be riddled with emotional landmines. Yet there’s no better way to expand your comfort zone than to pursue your daughter’s heart.

I’m inspired by Mark Yarhouse and Julie Sadsusky in their groundbreaking book, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth.

In it they encourage parents to turn to their faith to direct their responses when their kids need them to process these kinds of complicated issues. Here is their challenge:

The way you personally talk about transgender people (and similar-related topics) will absolutely inform your child’s level of comfort in sharing their journey with you. If you talk in a way that is mocking, condemning, or dismissive, your child will likely expect the same from you about their story.

If you talk in a way that is thoughtful, curious, honoring of the dignity of people, and dispassionate, you may find that they trust you as a guided resource in their own questions (p. 149).

As you read their words, you may struggle to follow their suggestions because you fundamentally stand against these issues.

Or you would rather not talk about them. You may believe that if you ask more questions and listen to your daughter’s viewpoints on gender identity, sexual orientation, or same-sex attraction she may misinterpret your openness as condoning her behaviors, opinions, or beliefs.

What the Bible Says about Your Response

I understand your stance. Yet I believe that the best position you can take as a dad with a daughter who is choosing a lifestyle other than the one you would choose for her is captured in one single verse in Luke 15.

“But while he [the son] was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

This is the parable of the prodigal son. Jesus uses it to share about His Father whose children often choose to walk away from Him despite His consistent love and support. There are five proactive things this father does here:

1. He sees his child (who is in a compromised state, wayward, in process, messy).

2. He is filled with compassion (open-hearted, available, no judgment).

3. He runs toward his child (takes the first step, eagerly moves forward in pursuit).

4. He embraces his child (physically expresses love, warmth, and joy).

5. He kisses his child (focuses on demonstrating love rather than lecturing or pointing out obvious poor choices and errant ways).

This is a powerful roadmap to guide you as a father in knowing how to pursue your daughter’s heart. Even amid questions about these complex issues. In addition, consider the significant role you have in building a bridge to God as her Father by ensuring that she knows the door to your home and your heart are always open.

Strategies for Talking with Your Daughter

Now let’s get practical. As you prepare to engage your daughter in topics of gender identity, sexual orientation or same-sex attraction, here are my recommendations:

1. Begin by asking questions. (Goal: be curious, not critical)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her. (Goal: listen, don’t lecture)

3. Model mutual respect. (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Remember this is a two-way interaction. (Goal: talk and listen)

5. If appropriate, end by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her. (Goal: honesty with humility)

Questions to Ask Your Daughter

If you’re ready to start the conversation about sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or same-sex attraction, here are a few questions you can ask your daughter:

1. Have you known someone who has been teased or criticized about their sexuality or sexual orientation?

2. What are your thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions about someone being straight, gay, trans- gender, bi-sexual, non-binary, or non-gender (one who experiences gender as both male and female)?

3. How would you describe the cultural climate around you in response to someone saying that he or she is straight? Is it accepted? Or is exploration around sexuality encouraged and celebrated, even questioned, and how does that impact you?

4. How do you view your own sexuality? Would you describe yourself by using any of these terms listed above (#2) or would you describe yourself another way?

5. I want you to know that I love you and I always will. Have I ever made you feel unlovable, unaccepted, or unworthy because of your sexuality? Or for any other reason?

6. Is there anything about my beliefs or convictions or attitudes that has ever shut you down or made it hard to talk with me about these things?

7. How can I better support you now that we’ve talked honestly and this is all out in the open?

8. Would you be willing to hear my thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions around sexuality? My goal isn’t to preach at you, dominate you, shame you, or belittle you, but I would appreciate being able to share my heart with you for a few minutes. Would that be okay? [If she says no, you must honor her by lovingly ending the conversation there. Perhaps she’ll be open to hearing from you at another time. Your warm response today will set a foundation for the future, even if she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts right now.]

Dad, now is the time to build your competence and confidence as you invest in your daughter’s life by talking with her about these topics, leading with bold intention and courageous pursuit with a foundation of honor, love, and respect.