Dr. Seuss Weighs in on Fathering

As we all know, in any profession there are brilliant and skilled doctors who have expertise and know-how in very specific areas.  

Not unlike docs in the medical, dental, or psychological professions who bring their best to their patients, there is another doctor with whom most of us grew up, someone our parents turned to time and again. No, I’m not talking about Dr. Spock (who literally was the “go-to” guy for my mom as she raised me in the 60’s).  I’m talking about Dr. Seuss!  

I love the fact that in some of his well-known children’s books he actually addresses the relationship between parents and kids.  Most of us (actually, I mean me) perhaps never really thought of it like this until now, but I think that Dr. Seuss could probably enlighten us on a thing or two when it comes to father-daughter dynamics since he is the most infamous children’s doctor of all time. 

Of course the beauty of a childhood story is that we don’t always have to give much thought to every minute detail.  But being that I’m a shrink, I do have a curious desire to ponder what subtle undertones might be conveyed in this classic, Hop on Pop.  Let’s review what the good doctor was saying, shall we?   

Here is an excerpt:  (feel free to read along as you reconnect with your “inner child!”)

Sad.  Dad.  Bad.  Had.

Dad is sad.

Very, very sad.

He had a bad day.

What a day Dad had!

Hop.  Pop.

We like to hop.

We like to hop on top of Pop.

STOP. 

(Pop now finally sits up with a stern, angry look on his face while two bewildered children sit stunned as their dad says…)

You must not hop on Pop.

After this section in the book we don’t hear about dad again until the end (which has me a bit confused regarding the title since there’s really not much coverage of the actual hopping on top of Pop!).  

Then finally, right before the last page, we’re introduced to one more important thing about dad. We discover that he can read big words like “Constantinople” and “Timbuktu.”  I don’t know about you but it’s nice to know that the father in the story is intelligent and capable.

The question I now pose is this:  What has Dr. Seuss taught us about fathering and could there be any life lessons tucked into these few short pages? 

Let me take the liberty to highlight a few things I’ve gleaned from Hop on Pop:

1. Dad has emotion.

2. Dad doesn’t hide his sad emotions from his kids (especially his very, very sad ones).

3. Kids like to play with Dad. 

4. Dad lets his kids get close to him even when he’s had a bad day.

5. Dad allows his kids use him as a jungle gym (maybe it doubles a new kind of “play therapy” to cheer dad up after a hard day while also meeting his kids needs).

6. Dad has a limit on how much interaction with his kids he can handle when he’s stressed.

7. Dad abruptly STOPS the connection of interactive play when he’s had enough (a.k.a. dad sets a boundary).

8. Dad is smart and understands complex words and concepts.

These eight observations about dads are one thing, but now I’d like to take it a step further and translate them into eight things I believe are important for dads to know in relation to their daughters based on the “deep insights” taught by our favorite doctor:

1. We daughters are very dialed in to your emotions and moods, dad.

2. It’s okay to be real and let us see your sad emotions as well as your happy ones.

3. We like it when you are approachable even on your very bad days because we care about you.

4. We need you to let us physically connect with you on good and bad days; truth be told, sometimes we need safe touch from you on our hard days too (By the way, did you know that when you hug or kiss someone that oxytocin is released in your brain, which counters cortisol, the stress hormone?  Lesson: Give more hugs and kisses on your very bad days and you’ll both feel better).

5. We know you have a limit on how much you can handle and it’s understandable when you’ve hit that point.  

6. We’d prefer that you not scream and shout at us when hitting your max capacity but we do like knowing you’re human.

7. It’s okay to set a boundary when you need to, but please remember that you are teaching us how to handle intensity by your example. 

8. We really do like the fact that you are smart and can decode big words and concepts.  We love it when you educate us on things you understand and know.  And even if you can’t solve all the world’s problems, for some reason we like to believe you can.  

So there you have it:  A few thoughts about fathers that I, as a daughter, think are worth underscoring about the father-daughter relationship.

Why not choose one of the things listed here and make it happen today with your daughter: 

• Show vulnerable expression of your “softer” emotions (like sad)
• Hug her even if you’ve had a bad day
• Lovingly (not abruptly) communicate when you’ve had enough or are maxed
• Set healthy boundaries with her by modeling what that looks like
• Teach her something new so you can both grow smarter together 

Thanks Dr. Seuss for teaching us a thing or two about little kids and big kids alike from your vast base of knowledge.  We’re deeply indebted to you and are ready now to “hop” into action! 

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A Father’s Heart: An Abba Project Dad Interview

There’s nothing like a true story, a raw and real story, to capture the heart of a reader. Today I have the privilege of introducing you to a dad who is currently in The Abba Project.

(Disclaimer: I’m not seeking to run a promotion for The Abba Project. More than anything, I share this story to inspire other dads to do whatever it takes to pursue their daughter’s heart. And if you do need a tool to reach that end, I encourage you to get my book and follow the directives laid out in it. I am your biggest fan and want to equip you to succeed as a father!)

Now back to the story. Alfonso almost quit after the second group, but thankfully stuck with it. He’s glad he did. I am too.

Alf is a father to three kids, two sons and one daughter. Claire is the oldest and a current college student who lives across the country, a factor that led him to connect with her from a distance, thus demonstrating that pursuit of a daughter’s heart can happen despite challenging odds.

He is willing to give you a birds-eye view into the process of engaging his father heart over the course of the past seven months. I believe his story will inspire you as it has me.

1. How would you describe yourself as a father throughout the last two decades?

Over the last two decades, I’d describe myself as a father who continually questioned his parenting decisions, especially when my actions were driven by anger and being impatient. I would rationalize my actions by saying, “…my parents raised me this way and I turned out okay.”

2. What kind of father was your dad to you and sister?

My dad had his moments of kindness, but he was hands-off. He wasn’t involved in many of key events of my life or my sisters. Don’t get me wrong, he was proud of our accomplishments, but he didn’t want, or didn’t know any better that it was important to me and my sister, to be dialed in.

3. What impact has fathering a daughter had on you personally in contrast to fathering your sons?

This is a tough question to answer because it’s an admission that I’m not as kind or caring as a father that I’ve led myself to believe. My impact of fathering a daughter has made me withdrawn, in contrast of fathering my sons. As you pointed out numerous times during The Abba Project sessions, it’s easier to do nothing than to do it wrong.

4. Are there any areas where you wish you had done things differently with her now that she’s in her 20’s and you look back?

Oh my gosh, where do I begin? I wish I would have been a more involved parent in everything. For her interest in art and music, I wish I would have been more than just an observer/bystander. Many times, I’d go to her art or music events thinking that I was being a supportive parent. I just assumed that was enough. It was certainly more than my parents did for me, growing up.

In her schooling, I wish I would have been more of a participant. I’d watch my wife help her with homework, read to her, and manage every aspect of her schooling. Claire or my wife never asked for my help…but, then again, I never offered either.

In sports, I wish I would have invited her to join me in swimming, biking or running, especially when I was training. We did go on some fun rides, but it stopped when she stopped asking. (Answering this question brought tears to my eyes).

5. You have changed A LOT throughout the course of the last seven months in The Abba Project. What exactly would you say has brought about such dramatic changes in you?

This one is easy. To use the advice you’ve shared with our Abba group and other fathers, get rid of the anger. If there’s one thing you’ve recommended as the most important, that would be the top of my list. And I can’t begin to tell you how dramatic of a change that has made in my life. I can honestly say that my first reaction to many challenges in my life is not to get angry anymore.

6. Where have you seen the most changes in yourself in the last seven months?

Being more patient. Taking the time to think about what I want to communicate and how I want to communicate it. Slowing down to think about the big picture: “How will my immediate actions affect my daughter and/or my family in the long run?”

7. What would you tell other dads who aren’t quite sure whether they want to be a part of a 9-month group to focus on specifically dialing in to their daughter’s heart?

I’d ask them, “Has what you’ve been doing, up until this point, worked? I suspect not. Then, give yourself permission to let your guard down. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the process. What have you got to lose?”

But, to be more positive, give your daughter the relationship she’s probably wanted, one that goes back when she was a little girl. (Assuming there was a positive period between the dad and daughter at some point, give her that gift again. She deserves it, like you deserve the loving relationship with your daughter.)

8. What would you say to other dads who don’t want to look within themselves and change anything but want their daughters to do the changing?

Take a leap of faith. Recognize that what you’re doing or not doing is not bringing about change. At least meet her halfway. You may be surprised. If you truly want to have a relationship with your daughter, do the opposite of what you’re doing. At least give it a chance.

9. What would you tell other dads about what it means to be a dialed-in dad?

It means you’ll have a lasting and meaningful relationship with your children. Don’t be a side-line dad. Observing has it place, but don’t limit your relationships by just being a parent that shows up for events.

10. If you could give one piece of advice to fathers of daughters, what would it be?

If I had to limit it to one thing…Get rid of the anger!!! It’s waste of time and it doesn’t accomplish anything.

11. Is there anything I haven’t asked you that you want to share?

At the risk of sounding like a job interview, I’d like to ask myself this question. “Alf, where do you see yourself as a father to your daughter in a year, three years, five years, or more?”

This is a very difficult question to answer for a variety of reasons, but for the next year it’s my goal to be a genuine, inquisitive father and to be taking proactive steps to maintain what I’ve learned throughout The Abba Project. And ultimately, I’d like her to come to me for life’s advice as much as she goes to her mother.

Thank you, Alf, for courageously leading the way by willingly sharing your story. You have shown us the true reward that comes from entering into the process of self-examination while choosing to walk your talk by engaging your daughter’s heart with intention and consistency.

YOU are living proof as to why I believe our country will strengthen from the ground up as dads step up to the plate and invest in their daughter’s lives like never before. As you have shown us here, not only do you as a father change in the process, but you have the power to positively transform the lives of your children as well. I pray that more dads will follow your lead.

YOU, my friend, are now living with an awakened father’s heart and I want to go on record as saying that this makes you one of my heroes! Go Dad!

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Dad: Do Your Eyes Light Up When You See Her?

I don’t know if you’re a Dustin Hoffman fan, but I’ve loved his work ever since he took on the role of an autistic savant in Rain Man back in the late 80’s. He has an extraordinary gift of fully stepping into the characters he portrays, which was made evident when he later donned the quirky role of a 243-year-old eccentric toy store owner in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. 

I want to take you beyond his character for a moment and focus on his apprentice by the name of Molly Mahoney, played by the beautiful Natalie Portman.  

Although an accomplished pianist, she lacks any confidence in her musical ability and is forced to come face-to-face with her debilitating insecurities. Described as “needing an opportunity to prove that she is more than she believes,” Mr. Magorium creates a so-called “opportunity” for Molly to embrace her innate potential and strength by announcing that the toy store is hers. He wants her to rise to the occasion and discover what he has seen in her all along.  

But instead of pushing through her immobilizing fears, she walks away from the opportunity. She doesn’t believe she has what it takes to succeed.  

As Molly wrestles with finding her place in her own life story, she turns to an accountant by the name of Henry (played by Jason Bateman) and with her eyes cast downward asks him, “What do you see in me?” 

As a guy, he doesn’t really understand what she means, and tells her so. Then she rephrases her question and asks, “Do I sparkle?” 

I am struck by her question. I truly believe this is a universal question tucked inside every daughter, even if she hasn’t quite put it into those words.  

“Being the sparkle in someone’s eye” is something my dear friend and colleague Dr. Jim Friesen talks about in his book, The Life Model: Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. He says that some neurologists describe this concept as our most basic human need: Not only to be that sparkle but to feel the joy inside when someone lights up upon seeing us. 

Because little children can feel this joy in loving relationships, Jim says that much of life is spent trying to reconnect with that feeling. Life makes so much more sense when people around us reflect back the authentic joy that comes from simply seeing us and being with us. There is healing power in this life-breathing exchange. 

Jim goes on to say that because joy is relational, it is also a contagious experience. Joy is produced when someone is “glad to see me,” which then stirs up a bit of joy in me. And when my joy is returned, there is an increase in the giver’s joy as well. It’s a reciprocal dynamic. 

This experience goes back and forth at amazingly fast rates—six cycles per second in a nonverbal, face-to-face exchange—all the time creating a stronger joy interaction between both people. Isn’t that incredible? In fact, former Abba Project Dad Steve told me this was one of the most powerful things he learned when proofreading my book back in the editing phase. 

So what does this mean for you as a dad with your daughter?  

Here are some important things for you to know: 

1. She is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle in someone’s eyes. 

2. If not yours, she will be drawn to someone, anyone, who will light up upon seeing her. 

3. Your visual delight upon seeing her will deposit worth and value into the core of her being. 

4. If you actively reflect back to her the joy you feel when you look into her eyes, it will build her self-esteem as a gift from you to her. 

I believe that every girl needs to be the sparkle (or the light) in her dad’s eyes. You were the first man who saw her and knew her and embraced her and celebrated her. She will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you. 

Let your delight in her be pure and based on who she is as a girl, as a woman, created in the image of God, not based on what she can do or give or how she performs...or what she has done in the past. 

Connect with your daughter today and let her know that you delight in her. (I know the word “delight” isn’t typically a masculine term so feel free to use “enjoy” or “happy” instead. But, on the other hand, you may want to try telling her that she is “a delight to your heart” and see how she responds. I’d love to hear how it goes!).  

And if the two of you are separated by distance (due to her locale being other than where you are) such that she can’t watch you light up when seeing her today, at least she’ll be able to read your words in print via text, email, or letter. Your written words will tide her over until the next time you have your face-to-face interaction.  

Let the non-verbal, life-breathing exchange begin! 

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Michelle's 13 Wishes for Dads

Michelle’s 13 Wishes for Dads

I wish for a world where every daughter will know
her dad loves her completely from head to her toes.  

I long for the day when every dad will inspire
the gifts in his daughter, saying she can go higher.

I want every girl to believe she can do it 
while her dad cheers her on as she learns to intuit.

I dream of a time when all girls have their voice
because dad modeled to them that it's good to have choice. 

I pray for the truth inside each precious daughter
of who she really is to be shaped by her father. 

I believe a dad’s love does more then he knows
to counter the impact of life's cruel blows.

I know a girl thrives with consistent support
from her dad’s heart to hers while each option she sorts.

I plead with you dad to give more and still more
to your daughter’s heart place so to heights she can soar.

I hope beyond hope that no girl ever wonders
if she is worth loving, you must forgive blunders.

I urge you dear dad not to downplay your role
and as proof of your impact, look deep in her soul.

I appeal to you dad as a woman myself
so you know your investment is above earthly wealth.

I beg you right here because now is the time
to fine tune your words so your daughter will shine.

I celebrate knowing that dreams do come true,
your daughter will thrive, but it starts dad with you!

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Further Thoughts on "25 Things a Daughter Needs from Her Dad"

It’s been fun to hear from many of you about how much it helped to read real responses from daughters on the 25 things they really need (as opposed to want or perhaps could even live without) from their dads.

As I’ve been pondering the insightful comments from these girls (who literally are between the ages of 9 and 89), I’ve decided to organize them in an even more succinct way (See men, I’ve listened to what you’ve told me, which is to “get to the point already!” You said you want things presented in a concise way with bullet points. So…here goes.)

If you think about it, with this organized list where all 25 things are presented in two columns it should help every dad on the planet strategize with more clarity because each of these things is about doing something. Every one of them requires action.

I’ve only ever met men who say they are wired to fix things when the women in their lives share problems or needs with them. Sitting and “just listening” is typically counterintuitive. Even this week in The Abba Project, the dads were laughing about that very fact as they highlighted that if women don’t want them to fix a problem then maybe they shouldn’t share it with them!

But seriously, I know that we as daughters really do want you dads to know what we need so you can do something. Here’s my best attempt to break it down clearly.

Ten of these requests involve talking and 15 of them require doing.

1. Talking---Communicating

• Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)
• Apologize
• Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)
• Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)
• Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)
• Prayers (This means either talking to God about her or talking to God with her)
• Guidance (This one requires interaction and communicating so I’m including it here)
• Sense of humor
• Teach me about things (This could also go under the “Doing” category but since it requires verbal interacting to teach her things I decided to put it here)
• Tell me you love being my dad

2. Doing---Taking Action

• Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)
• Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)
• Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)
• Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)
• To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)
• Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)
• Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)
• Just listen
• Protection
• Be an adventurer…with me
• Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)
• Believe in me
• Never give up on our family
• Show me how a real man treats a woman
• Support my ideas and dreams (This one could have gone under either category but since this involves both talking and showing up for the things she’s interested in as a way to support her ideas and dreams I decided to put it here)

So, Dad, here's the way you're going to become the hero you want to be and that your daughter needs you to be:  Each day choose one thing from this list and do it.

This gives you enough things to cover an entire month. And with the extra five days you can repeat the ones that get the best response from your daughter.

Below, I’m going to attach a flow chart of these 25 things that you can print out and use to record your progress this next month. It should help you stay on track as you make these things happen.

Meet her needs today and you will get filled up in the process. I promise.

Printable Chart: "My One Month Chart for Meeting my Daughter's Needs"

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Boot Camp for Dads

I’ve heard it said that men do best when they’re challenged.

And not just challenged to do something possible, but something bigger and harder than they could ever imagine doing.

Case in point: I just saw a documentary where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp, paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. Why did they do it? They said it was simply to prove that they could.

This lines up with the powerful words spoken by one of the greatest military figures in history, General George S. Patton (1885-1945), who said to his troops:

“Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”

Patton decided during childhood that his goal in life was to become a hero, a reality that he lived out whether he was representing the US at the 1912 Stockholm Olympics or on battlefields in America or Europe during numerous wars.

His goal became his reality. He set his gaze early on and his subsequent life choices supported that goal.

Dad, the challenge before you is to engage your daughter’s heart...consistently and intentionally.

And in like fashion to the demands of boot camp, here’s the mindset that must be activated:

Over the long haul (throughout her whole life, not just until she goes off to college or gets married because sometimes girls need their dads even more as they mature)

Across the mountains and valleys (her emotional ups and downs)

Through sleet and snow and pouring rain (riding out the “short tear sets” to “full-court-press downpours” of emotion and irrationality with kindness, strength, and patience)

Under threat of night (staying up late to interact with her when you’d rather be in bed fast asleep because being a dialed-in dad means being inconvenienced)

Or at first morning light (when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed or you figure out that this is her “time of the month”)

There it is: The Boot Camp 101 Template for a Dialed-in Dad. I know it’s a tough job, a rough job, and the hardest job you’ll ever love.

Your lifelong, consistent, and loving investment in your daughter is one that I believe is worthy of the highest honor that can be awarded for personal acts of valor above and beyond the call of duty, the Medal of Honor. Every dad in America who goes the distance to engage and keep embracing his daughter’s heart is a hero in my book.

With that, I’ll close by challenging you with the words of General Norman Schwarzkopf:

“The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do.
The hard part is doing it.”

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25 Things A Daughter Needs From Her Dad

As you probably know, I am a first time author.  The part you may not know, however, is that I never set out to be an author.  That part just kind of happened.

One thing I was clear about from the start was that I wanted to write a book that would be a field manual for dads.  I hoped it would appeal to a wide range of men, from those who like to read all the way to those who don’t care too much for books or have the time but want answers that yield positive, guaranteed results in relating to their daughters.  

And the best part now is that I have the privilege of hearing feedback from dads who are putting things into action and seeing a significant turn around in their relationship with their daughters!  Three words:  ALL WORTH IT!

When the book title was finally selected---Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You:  A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart---I decided to do a little of my own field research, a bit of data collection, I guess you could say.  I started by asking this question to as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request: 

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad. Feel free to pass this on to any women you know who may want to help me gather information.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but surprisingly, women took me up on my suggestion and started sending the questionnaire to their friends and family.  I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!  

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.  

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women.  I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females. 

The truth is that these aren’t just wants.  These are needs.  Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud, ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)  

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “Be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me 

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest.  And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.  

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America and the world to step up and step in to their roles as fathers.  We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life. Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the next generation.  

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action right away.  

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.  

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Romance & Royalty: The Girls Tell All (A Valentine's Blog)

With tomorrow being Valentine's Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to give you an all-access pass behind the curtain of a girl’s heart from the vantage point of a few courageous girls who are sharing their thoughts.

Romance and royalty. I wonder what it is about these two concepts that strike a chord in most every girl regardless of her age, locale, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status. These themes are woven through the deepest places of her heart, tied together with a cord of vulnerability that is beautiful and fragile all at the same time.  

Perhaps some of the reason that we girls are drawn to romance and royalty is because God made us that way, at the place where we long to open our hearts and lives to both of these realities.

We seem to have this intense, legitimate longing for the world to see that we’re valuable and amazing, and we think that if we are chosen by a guy or if we have an official title (“girlfriend,” “wife”), then it announces to everyone that we are worthy and incredible. This innate desire to be chosen by the handsome prince is a theme that is usually awakened in childhood and then grows in intensity as we age. 

You see, somewhere along the line we have come to believe that if a guy picks us as his girlfriend, and later his wife, then we are the prize, his prize.

I want you now to hear from girls who are between the ages of 13 and 30 as they give you a glimpse inside their minds and hearts on this theme of romance and royalty.  This will not only give you insight into your what your daughter may be thinking and feeling, but you can use these questions to open up deeper conversations with her.

“If I’m not a size two in stilettos and a pencil skirt, will I still find the perfect man?”

“I learned that you had to be physically beautiful to obtain those princess dreams.”

“It seems that being pretty or beautiful is a necessary trait of being viewed as a princess. Movies tend to portray that the beautiful ones are the ones who get pursued and are desired.”

“Being pretty is very important. It takes you a distance in life. It’s not fair, but it’s true. Being feminine is beautiful and valuable.”

”You have to be able to sing and dance well.  The usual, like you have to be skinny and beautiful and kind to everyone. And that you need a man to save you (totally kidding on that last part, but that is kind of what Disney movies teach).”

“Girls have to dress provocatively or scandalously in order to catch a man’s attention – showing more skin is good. I don’t like that idea, and try my best not to conform to it...but it does make me wonder if those portrayals are a reality.”

“Maybe reach out to see how I’m doing more consistently instead of the other way around.”

“I think one of the biggest things is that he helps me to see my strength, my beauty, my talent, my uniqueness, and that he shows me that I am a woman to be cherished and pursued by doing just that.”

“Anything my dad does to just let me know he is thinking about me or wants to spend time with me means a lot and makes me feel honored, like a princess.”

“Maybe talking to me would be a good start.”

“I want to exchange ideas and learn from him.” 

“Laugh out loud more. My dad has so much stress and so I try and make him laugh. He might smile, but when he laughs I do feel special and that he enjoys me.”

“Embrace my individual attributes. I don’t want to be like anyone else and you don’t want a robot for a daughter.”

“Don’t tell me what not to do.  Positive reinforcement is so much more effective.”

“To hear him say that I’m beautiful would be great. I’ve never heard him remark on my appearance in a positive way.”

“Encourage my dreams---no matter how outlandish, or even if it’s not the dream you have for me.”

“He always seems too busy with his laptop or his cell phone to enjoy a conversation with me. He’s a great listener, but I wonder if he just does it so I’ll eventually shut up. When I try to ask about him he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’d love for him to open up about his life in an honest and real way. I want him to be present.”

“Talk to me, encourage me to seek my passions without dampening the vision with too much practicality.”

“I think the best a dad could do is to verbally express what he thinks of his daughter (whether that is internal beauty or external beauty).”

“The only thing that I can think of is accepting me completely as I am...flaws and all.”

“Just to hear his honesty about what he thinks about me and when he thinks about me makes me feel all of those things.”

“He could just out of nowhere, and for no reason send a little letter or note or message saying that he loves me, thinks I am special, accepts me and enjoys who I am.”

Summing up, your daughter longs to be:

• Chosen

• Accepted

• Wanted

• Desired

• Loved

• Pursued 

• Enjoyed

• Special

• Unique

The ways you can make her feel all those things are to:

• Initiate dates (one on one time with her)

• Protect and shield her heart (allow her to feel/talk while listening and supporting her)

• Affirm her beauty (compliments, validating her unique look and style)

• Regularly choose her over sports, work, hobbies, technology (a.k.a. distractions)

• Embrace her femininity (show and express your happiness in her as your daughter)

• Treat her with respect, chivalry, honor (be the man you want her to marry)

• Enjoy her (laugh with her, listen to her, celebrate her interests and giftings)

• Enter into adventures with her (join in mutual activities where bonding happens)

• Everyday let her know she’s beautiful, smart, and wonderful just the way she is

It’s “T minus 24” until it’s Valentine's Day. That gives you just enough time to buy chocolates or flowers, a card or stuffed animal, a donut or cookie, all to let your daughter experience what it’s like to have her heart engaged while feeling like a princess by the best guy on the planet: YOU!

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Thinking Backward

If you’ve ever played sports (which I assume includes all of you in one way or another), you know that every single time you step onto the field or court, you always know where the goal is. Always.

The goal has everything to do with the direction you run, the points you make (or miss), and whether you win or lose.

The energy you expend is always oriented toward the goal because that’s where the points are. That’s what counts.

Without a clear goal, you can’t play the game.

Without a clear goal, you can’t win the game.

With your daughter, it’s the same way.

As you think about “the game you’re playing” (I’m using game as a metaphor to capture the essence of the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you, not as something fake in your relationship), are you clear about the goal you have in your relationship with her?

I can’t think of too many dads I’ve met who are clear about the goal or outcome they are shooting for with their daughter. Maybe a general idea, but not a specific goal.

And for a goal to work, it has to be clear, specific, measurable, and achievable.

Dad, I ask you this: Have you taken the time to honestly and directly state for yourself your goals as a father with your daughter?

Using the sports analogy above, it may help to think of it like this: If your end goal is to launch your daughter at the age of 18 as a healthy, confident, authentic, clear-minded, and vibrant young woman who is ready to take on the world, what are you currently doing to help her get there? Or let’s break it down further, what is your "halftime assessment plan" if she is nine years old and you’re about half way there?

I’m going to add one more layer to this concept of goal setting with your daughter. I call it thinking backward.

This time I recommend that you think about not just the here and now, but also about the future. It can be a new way of looking at the present by imagining the end of your life and thinking backward from then to now. I’m not trying to be morbid. Just stating a reality that we all have to face.

We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint.

So I invite you to ask yourself a tough question, one that will allow you to be brutally honest with yourself while sitting in the reality that you are leaving a legacy for good or bad, whether you want to or not.

What do you want your legacy to look like? For real.

You will literally change the course of history through your active engagement with your daughter at the heart level. She will carry you with her after you leave this earth. Your legacy will live on through her in proportion to your heart investment in her.

Though you won’t be around forever physically, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life. A theory in the field of psychology claims that some adults have an internalized parent who lives on inside them. Long after that parent is gone, the adult child may still seek to please the parent who is no longer around to see the performance. So again I ask you: What are you doing now to make sure your daughter hears your encouraging, supportive, loving, grace-filled, validating, inspiring, and motivating voice in her head forever?

Carefully consider the following statement, and then finish the sentence in your own words:

Looking at the response you just wrote, is it a head response or a heart response? I know you wrote a heart response. How do I know that? Because every dad I’ve ever invited to finish this sentence has written a heart response.

Here are some of the things I’ve heard dads say they hope their daughters would say about them at the end of their lives:

“There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do or give for me, even at a cost to himself.”

“I never doubted his love for me.”

“I knew he adored me.”

“He loved the Lord with all his heart and soul, and he loved me in the same way.”

Dad, if I could take one more minute of your time I want to encourage you to take what you wrote in the box above and break it down into three action steps. (Remember that action heroes have to take action in order to be a hero.)

For example, if you wrote that you want your daughter to know you love her, write HOW your love will look. Be specific. You might write something like this:

1. I will drive her to school every Friday while stopping at Starbucks on the way so we have a tradition that is ours and ours alone.

2. I will take her on a dad-daughter date once a month as a way to let her know by my actions that she is worth my time, money, and energy.

3. I will write her a letter every year on her birthday to tell her the exact ways I’ve seen her grow in that year while making sure she hears why she is special to me.

Do you see how the concept of love grew legs by the action plan that accompanied it?

I trust that this exercise of thinking backwards will be one that now guides your action steps in the present. I’m cheering you on from here. Go Dad!

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Guest Post for The National Center for Fathering

It’s such an honor to be invited to the team as a regular blogger for the National Center for Fathering.  This blog is adapted from one I posted a few months ago where I share ideas on what NOT to do if you want to be a dialed-in dad. I'll let you read a little here, but be sure to click the link to to keep reading! 

"Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done, right? Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words, she was easier to track with. But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants … and words! That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.

And just in case you’re wondering why a woman is writing and telling men what to do in the area of fathering, I want you to know that I have such a high regard for your role as a father that I have invested hundreds of hours into helping dads connect with their daughters. After five years of leading The Abba Project (a group forum for dads), speaking to male and female audiences, and 35 years of interacting with girls and young women in roles as counselor, mentor, and friend (in addition to being the oldest of four girls!), my heart desire is to help your decode your daughters. I’m addressing this from the inside, I guess you could say..."

To keep reading, head over to The National Center for Fathering's site here!

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