Burned Bridges: When Your Daughter Writes You Out of Her Life Story

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don’t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, here's what one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

What would you write back to him if you were me? Could I ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain? I think not.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story.  

Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart---going after what he knows matters to her--while also honoring her requested need for space. Tough balance, to say the least.

One of my close friends has been recently going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For three years he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process.

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating-- to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.”  (click to tweet)

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter's heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, yet strong, stand like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my book, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. I’d suggest starting with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting--without expectation of response--is all she can handle right now.

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you’ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.

And never underestimate the power of prayer. She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter’s heart (and yours) can heal.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you’re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge.

If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, then here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?”

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.”

I’m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.

It’s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace. And if she’s got the “stop sign” on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:

• Do your own work. Find a mentor, pastor, or counselor to help you work through all that is being activated and stirred up in you.

• Pray for her and for yourself; be specific.

• Write letters to her (that you may or may not give her) that let you connect with your heart.

Before we close, here is some of what I wrote back to the hurting father I told you about at the start of this blog. And in case you’re a dad today who is in a similar situation with your daughter, maybe this plan will creatively mobilize you to action as well:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter alive who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

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How NOT to be a Foolish Father

Since today is April Fool’s Day, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to connect two powerful yet hopefully mutually exclusive themes: fathering and foolishness. This seems as good a day as any to once again give you a “what-NOT-to-do” approach to succeeding as a dad to your daughter.

Let me begin with a story from three decades ago. Right after college, at the age of 23, I attended a conference in Kansas City that was life-changing. It was the first time I’d gathered with 30,000 other college students with a goal to soak in amazing teaching about our faith in God while being challenged to actually live it out. One highlight that week was hearing from a woman by the name of Elisabeth Elliot, a woman I’d come to greatly admire after reading one of her books. As she stood up and told stories from her life and that of her late husband Jim (who had been murdered in the mid-1950’s), she shared a quote of his that has stayed with me ever since:

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

She said that Jim lived his life with that kind of eternal focus constantly in view, knowing that he would never lose if his actions focused on investing in that which lasts.

And now I will do my best to apply his words to fathering. My translation of Jim’s quote is simply this:

A father is profoundly wise when he:

• intentionally and consistently gives of himself
• deposits daily life into the heart and life of his daughter
• is fully aware that every positive investment yields dividends that will extend past her generation into the next, which then...
• leaves a rich and lasting legacy.

I realize that’s a lot of words, but the essence of what I’m getting at is that when you, Dad, choose to daily attend to the life of your girl, you are the wisest of the wise, the best of the best, and the most strategic of men because your focus as a well-invested father will last beyond the here and the now.

After all, there’s not much that lasts after we’re gone; so why not leave heart deposits that last a lifetime, right?

The reward for being a dialed-in dad like that is not only having a daughter who thrives now, but who soars into the future. CLICK TO TWEET

My friend, Joe Kelly, cofounder of DADS (a national nonprofit organization called Dads & Daughters) says it this way:

“Fathers are the key to a daughter’s well-being, healthy development, and resilient self-image...and our greatest untapped natural resource.”

I love this description of you, Dads. This really is who you are.

So today, why not turn this into a ANTI-FOOLS DAY by proving to yourself that you have it in you to wisely and proactively connect with your daughter’s heart needs. Why not take the next five minutes and put your loving words, the ones you carry in the depths of your heart, into a text, email, or written note to your daughter telling her THREE THINGS you love and admire about her.

That is how you can actively invest in her heart space anew today, while making this the best-ever, non-foolish April 1st you’ve ever had, as you give what you cannot keep to gain what you cannot lose.

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What I've Learned About Fathering from Watching HGTV's Chip Gaines

I wish there were some kind of reward system in our country for fathers who step up to the plate and hit it out of the ballpark as a dad. In fact, I’m presently thinking about how to actually make that happen!

In the meantime I’ll continue writing about admirable fathers on my blog while highlighting what they’re doing right.

Of course you know by now that I'm highly attuned to watching relationships between dad and daughters. Even when I’m not trying to notice, I notice. It seems that no matter where I am---in a grocery store or at the mall or even at church---my eyes and ears are conditioned to observe the way dads interact with their kids, as well as the way their kids respond back. I truly believe that their interactions in public say a lot about what goes on in private, at home.

I've spent the better part of a year paying attention to and admiring one particularly dialed-in dad on TV. His name is Chip Gaines. He’s married to his co-host, decorating genius Joanna, and the show is called Fixer-Upper. They have a magical gift of taking the least desirable house in the most desirable neighborhood and turning it into their client’s dream home. And they really do!

However, as impressive as their construction and restoration skills are, there is something I find much more remarkable. It’s a combination of the fun, positive, and respectful way they relate to each other as husband and wife and the way they beautifully parent their four adorable young children: two boys and two girls.

With a Twitter following of almost half a million between them, clearly I’m not the only one who is drawn like a magnet to this incredible couple.

I think one of the reasons America has fallen in love with them is that the way they relate to one another is contagious. I find myself wanting to know them personally while wishing somehow that I could transport myself into the center of their family dynamics.

As I have watched Chip interact with his children, I have noticed a number of qualities and behaviors that I think every dad would be wise to emulate.

Here’s a summary of what I’ve gleaned from watching Chip Gaines:

1. This dad really likes and enjoys his kids. He clearly loves talking with them, laughing with them, playing with them, even wrestling and rough housing with them, especially when he morphs into a human jungle gym. It’s obvious that his children feel his positivity and delight in being their dad.

2. His kids feel comfortable being themselves around him. They appear to be fully engaged in life when dad is there. They jump and run, twirl and dance, explore and take risks, ask questions and follow directions. I guess you could say that they get to be kids who have fun being kids without fear of dad forcing them to grow up before their time.

3. This dad sets limits for his kids. At various times all four kids are instructed by dad to do or not do things. He says “yes” and “no” to their requests. He provides boundaries by guiding them in both indoor and outdoor activities.

4. His kids follow dad's lead by respecting each other. Of course we all know that there are edits to the final version of each episode, yet a consistent theme I’ve noticed is that his children treat each other is in like kind to the way he treats their mom. Additionally, the way he relates to and honors them parallels the way they relate to and honor each other. Once again, more is caught than taught.

5. This dad listens to his kids. He looks into their eyes when he talks to them or when they talk to him. And he responds to their questions with answers that are spoken with kindness and are age appropriate. What matters to them matters to him.

6. His kids are given opportunities to enter into dad’s world. Whether it’s coming to a job site, going on an errand, or getting to help dad with a project, Chip lets his kids get up close and personal to see what his life is about. He invites them to look at and take part in that which is important to him, in work and in play.

7. This dad never speaks with harshness to his kids. Again, I realize that editing is potentially king here, but repeatedly all four of them are relaxed and calm in dad’s presence. They appear to have no fear that dad may yell or react, even if they make a mistake. They aren’t shamed or criticized, but are redirected and corrected when necessary. As a result, their naïve and vulnerable childlikeness is refreshingly evident as they spontaneously interface with life as it unfolds under dad’s care.

8. His kids are invited to grow and become responsible one event at a time. Because children learn by doing and actively participating as they learn life lessons, this dad goes the extra mile to make that happen. Whether buying chickens as a practical way to teach them how to tend to life on a farm or selling the eggs of said chickens, these kids are on the path to entrepreneurship, all because of dad’s intentional fathering style that engages them first hand in the areas that he believes will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

9. This dad loves his kids' mom. The real, apparent love Chip has for his wife is literally transmitted through the airwaves from Waco, Texas to every viewer’s home. I don’t know how that can happen but it does. When a dad loves his children’s mother, it gives his kids a sense of security and safety that frees them up to thrive and truly be themselves without worry that life as they know it may crumble or falter. This is a powerful gift from a dad to his kids. (Even if a marriage has already ended, a dad can still choose to not speak negatively about his child’s mother).

10. His kids follow dad’s lead in honoring his faith traditions. From inviting his children to kneel on the dirt road to their home to dedicate their farm to God or praying before a meal, it’s clear that these little apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. The gratitude that dad has for the life God has given him is emulated by his four children who respect dad enough to readily follow his example.

Thank you Chip Gaines for taking your television show about remodeling houses and actually using it to teach us what it looks to remodel a home---on the inside----one that has love and respect, boundaries and fun.

Thank you for giving a hands-on demonstration to dads in America (should they watch your show, that is!) of what it looks like to be a father who pursues the heart of his wife and his children intentionally and consistently.

And thank you for revealing that it takes a lot more than brick and mortar, shiplap and paint to make a house a home. For when a dad truly loves and leads his family, everyone wins.

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Winning Her Heart vs. Winning an Argument

A couple of years ago my friend Steve said something that blew me away and has stayed with me ever since. In fact, it’s so good that I asked if I could both quote him and interview him.

Quick backstory: Two years ago Steve’s daughter Maddie was just heading into her teen years (a reality that proved to be a more of a daunting challenge than dad had anticipated), and he was strongly invested in learning how to relate better to his ever-changing and maturing girl. It was during our conversation that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“It’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.” (Click to tweet)

Does that hit you like it did me?  Win her heart rather than an argument. Wow. POWERFUL.

In that moment I said, “Steve, if every dad in America understood that concept it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

I loved hearing this courageous dad, guided by humility, say that it matters less that he is right, especially if it means he is trampling on his daughter’s heart in the process of holding to that position (and by “heart” I am describing the place where her emotions and dreams and passions and visions and ideas converge).

So here we are, two years later, and Maddie is now in her first year of high school. Dad and daughter are still navigating the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between independence and dependence, freedom and boundaries, rules and responsibilities, distance and connection.

Some days are better than others, but their love is consistent even when “the dance” isn’t.

I asked Steve a few probing questions to further clarify what he meant by his profound quote. I believe you’ll appreciate the authenticity of his responses because he’s a dad in the trenches just like you.

1.   Steve, how do you go about winning Maddie’s heart?

I’m sitting here asking myself why I pause when trying to codify how I go about winning Maddie’s heart. I wonder aloud (nobody can hear me): Am I afraid? Am I reluctant because I know that I fail so many times trying to win her heart? Who am I to try and suggest that I know the first thing about winning Maddie’s heart - when in fact I feel like I fail more times than I don’t?

Even yesterday I said to my wife - “This trying to be a dialed-in dad thing is hard. It would be so much easier to just unplug and chuck it!” No joke.  

But this morning, here’s what I wrote in my journal…“Jesus, help me to know how, what, and when to coach Maddie. Help me to know how, what, and when to close my mouth. Help me to know how, what for, and when to be strong for her. And help me to know how, what for, and when to just be with her.”  

You’d have to have been in our home to know the details…and frankly, I’m not sure I get all the details. But the one detail I do know - I love this little lady!  I won’t quit…even when failure seems like my default.  

2.   What works to win her heart and what doesn’t?

My number one strategy to winning her heart:  I…Won’t…Quit. She is my little girl, entrusted to me - her Daddy. And I will fight for her heart. I cannot demand it. But I will remain engaged…even when all the chaos of life collides with my visions of what it was like when she was 4, 5, 6 - with her raspy little Lauren Bacall voice.

When I see the beauty that stands before me, in all of her “I am my own person” - I am in awe, this is my little girl, becoming a woman and I get the privilege of being present - I’ll take it. I will clumsily keep trying. I’m going to stay in the game - for her, for me, for her mom, for us…for her husband.

3.   Do you have any other strategies for pursuing your daughter’s heart?

My number two strategy to winning her heart - I apologize. I’m broken. I don’t do everything right. I make mistakes. At times I want a do-over. I’m humbled to be her Daddy. Pride has no business in being a dad. Let my humility be the measure of the strength of my love. (this is not a pushover kind of thing…)

My number three strategy. I am not afraid to be silly. Humiliation - ha…bring on the silly - for her sake. Never to humiliate her, but I will cherish the laughter - and Maddie can laugh.  

My number four strategy - I will guard her heart - I will fight for her. I’ll do this (hopefully) with a heart of peace towards others, but I will stand up for her, beside her. We will empower her to be an advocate for herself - but I will protect her.  

Maybe I’m going off topic here…but I will make the first move to restore our relationship. I know that I have to be the leader here. 

I will see her as a person - not a problem….not a problem child…not a child with “girl problems…”  

I will tell her “no” - when it’s the right thing to say - even when I assume she is displeased.

4. How do you ground yourself when Maddie escalates emotionally?

Great question…What is my ideal, aspirational approach? I recognize that she needs me to stay engaged with her as a person. That she knows that there is nothing that she can do that will change the fact that I LOVE her! I tell her this - when things escalate. Honestly, because when emotions climb and reality distorts (in all of us) I want to ground us with the truth – I LOVE HER.

5. How do you keep yourself from giving into anger when the situation is intensifying?

Well, I fail sometimes. My anger can look much more passive aggressive than expressive. I try to recognize when I slip over to anger and may have to suggest we come back around. I care more about her than being right, and we’ll figure the rest out.

I’ve seen anger drive kids away; this was my own experience. It was amazing what it did to melt away years of hurt when my dad said, “I never looked at it from your perspective.” We are very careful with what we do, or say, in anger…I recognize it in myself and try to check it…or listen to my bride when it pokes its head out. 

6. Do you have any input for other dads of daughters?

Pride…dude, you are a Daddy. Bask in the self-evident pride that comes prescribed with being the dad of a daughter. Celebrate HER, champion HER, empower HER - and watch her fly. And be sure that you are the soft place she can come to when the world pushes off on her strengths and gifts, and tramples on her scars and weaknesses. Come on, you’re her Daddy. 

7.   Are there last thoughts you’d like to add?

I know that I’m a gloriously flawed dad – and trying to say how well I do at winning her heart?…no trophies here. But one thing I do is pray for my daughter to recognize that she need not carry the burdens of the world, her school, her friends…but also not to ignore her bent towards leadership, justice, and a deep sense of empathy. I want to put a bubble around her to guard her heart, but I also want her to work out that powerful muscle and grow in her sense of right and wrong, a voice for the marginalized, and a defender of the weak.

Being a Dad is messy. But I am her Daddy…she gets one of me and I’m humbled to be her Daddy.  

Thank you, Steve, for opening up and letting us see into your experience. You have reminded dads of daughters everywhere that it’s not about being perfect, but is about staying attentive to the changing tapestry of your daughter’s life.

Thank you for your vulnerability as you’ve modeled the importance of being real with your girl---whether you’re apologizing and asking forgiveness or being silly and making her laugh.

And last, thank you for letting us see into your heart space as a dad who is proud of his daughter and wants the world to know it. Thank you for teaching dads that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

Dads, why not choose one insight that Steve shared today about winning the heart of his girl and put it into action with your daughter today.

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Because a Dad’s Gotta Do What a Dad’s Gotta Do

I’m guessing that many of you watched the Super Bowl two Sundays ago along with 111.9 million other people in America. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the highlights for me resided more in the commercials than in the game.

And whether you’re a Bronco’s or a Panther’s fan, I’ve got a question for you: Did you happen to notice the recurring theme in the commercials this year about fathers relating to their daughters?  

Procter & Gamble scored big in their series of four Pantene commercials called “The Dad-Do” where NFL players DeAngelo Williams of the Pittsburg Steelers, Benjamin Watson of the New Orleans Saints, and Jason Witten of the Dallas Cowboys tackled the detangling their daughter’s hair. Included in each heart-warming scenario are drawings of each dad’s strategy for attacking the hairdo like they would their opponent on the field. It’s really clever. (If you’d like to see the Good Morning America overview of all four stories, click here).

It’s so refreshing to see professional athletes attempt to do something they’re unskilled at, in an area where they admittedly lack competence, all out of love for their little girls. And then to let all of America see them stumble through the process (a.k.a. “fumble the ball”) is even more courageous! Their goal?  To inspire dads everywhere to get in the game! I smiled when hearing Jason Witten say that “Catching a touchdown pass is a lot easier than making a beautiful braid.” Well said, Dad!

I loved hearing Benjamin Watson talk about knowing that his 6-year old twin girls “...will judge all men by how I treat them, so it’s important for me to connect with them and do things they want to do so they will know they’re important and that they’re worth my time.”

The Pantene STRONG IS BEAUTIFUL campaign highlights the importance of dads raising strong girls with a message grounded in research that confirms a few vital facts, namely that:

Girls who spend quality time with their dads grow up to be…

• stronger
• more self confident
• more self-reliant
• more successful in school
• more successful in their careers

To that I say:  YES!  My empirical data lines up directly with this information.

And as much as I loved the four Pantene commercials, I am OVERJOYED that the Hyundai “First Date” ad won USA Today’s Annual Poll of Best Super Bowl Ads. Let’s hear it for America celebrating the love of a dad for his daughter!

In case you haven’t seen the clip, Kevin Hart is an over-protective father who sneaks around during his teenage daughter’s first date to ensure that this boy treats her right. The clip begins with Hart giving the keys to his new Hyundai to this boy, knowing full well about the feature that allows the car’s owner to track the car’s location. With prevailing knowledge of where they were at all times, he is able to pop up every place they go. I especially love the scene where dad is hanging off a ladder attached to a helicopter while shouting to the boy, “You’re messing with the wrong daddy!”

The commercial ends with Hart’s daughter coming home, clearly disappointed in the way her evening played out, while dad opens the door to greet her with a knowing smile. As she walks away, the narrator closes with a powerful tagline:    

“Because a dad’s gotta do what a dad’s gotta do.”

What a fantastic reminder these commercials are to herald the power of a dad’s active presence in his daughter’s life. Yes, sometimes he has to get out of his own way and be willing make a fun of himself or not do it right or to stay one step ahead of her while helping to guide her choices. But in the end, it’s all about doing whatever it takes to let his daughter know he adores her.

If an NFL player can step off the field (his comfort zone) and walk into a beauty salon (perhaps his non-comfort zone) to bond with his girls, then any dad can do it. You don’t have to be perfect; it’s about the fact that you tried to meet her on her turf. Because, as the wise Benjamin Watson said, “Sometimes a 'Dad Do' is a 'Redo' and you've got to be ok with that!”

Thanks DeAngelo, Benjamin, Jason, and Kevin for inspiring dads everywhere to invest well in their daughters. You all rocked the screen this week in ways that truly made a difference in the lives of all who viewed your outstanding work…on the football field and on the “field” that really matters: your daughter’s heart.

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Better Than a Dozen Roses: 12 Ways to Let Your Daughter Know She’s Your Valentine

With this being Valentine's Day weekend, I figure there’s no better way to celebrate the holiday than to highlight the power of a heart connection from a dad to his daughter. And though some may view this day as one reserved only for romance between sweethearts, I see it as an opportunity for a girl to be treated in an extra special way by her dad, thus creating a model for future comparison so she’ll know how to be treated when the love of her life comes knocking!

Rather than give her 12 roses to let her know she’s loved by you this year, why not instead choose 12 things that you can do for her or with her that let her know that she’s worth celebrating.

This 14th of February can be the start of a new tradition where you give your time, energy, and creativity that says, “You’re my Valentine.” Incidentally, you’ll notice that none of these things cost money. They’re going to require that you dig deeper inside yourself than into your wallet.

Have fun being resourceful in ways that require ingenuity, patience, a servant’s heart, and a good dose of humor. Here’s a dozen ideas to help you win her heart anew this Valentine's Day:

1. Do something fun that involves the two of you enjoying an activity together--walking, running, biking, shooting hoops, kicking a ball, playing a board game, etc.
    
2. Let her teach you something she’s good at and you’re not--baking, cooking, doing an art project, coloring, talking! 
    
3. Write a letter telling her the qualities that you love, admire, respect, and want to reinforce in her--for extra credit, read the letter to her and I guarantee this will be something she will treasure for the rest of her life. 
    
4. Step out of your comfort zone and invite her to dance with you to one of her favorite songs--if she declines, don't feel bad; she won't forget you asked, even if she says “no." 
    
5. Listen for ten uninterrupted minutes while practicing active listening skills--look at her while she talks, nod your head to show you’re interested, lean forward, ask questions to encourage her to talk more (yes, you heard me right!).
    
6. Share three stories from your childhood that you’ve never told her before--of course you’ll want to ask her if she'd like to hear them since some girls like hearing stories more (or less) than others. 
    
7. Serve her in a way that is unexpected and out of the ordinary--fix something that’s broken, run an errand so she doesn’t have to, make her bed for her, do one of her chores as a surprise gift to her. 
    
8. Ask if you’ve hurt her and then seek forgiveness after hearing the whole story--and/or follow the lead of one dad who has makes a practice of asking his five-year old daughter a question every night as he tucks her into bed, "Has Daddy been sharp with you today?" This allows him to hear the hurts and repair them one day at a time.
    
9. Surf the internet with her and find funny videos that make you both laugh
    
10. Take selfies of the two of you putting random things on your heads with silly captions to then post on her social media sites with the hashtag #daddaughterselfie
     
11. Go through your kitchen and at any time of day make a breakfast food that she loves---pancakes, waffles, omelet, cereal--and eat it with no hands, creating an experience that is sure to make a lasting memory! (Idea credit: Garth Brooks, who led his daughters to do this with him during their growing up years, now inspiring others to follow his lead)
     
12. Watch one of her favorite television shows or movies with her…and enter into it in a way that enhances the experience for her--no making fun of anything she likes and offer to pop popcorn or dish up ice cream to make things extra fun and memorable.

Why not give your daughter a new kind of Valentine's gift this year that requires your full attention and whole heart?

I’m convinced that she’ll feel loved by you in a new way as you give more of yourself than money can buy. I believe this has the potential to be better than a dozen roses as this forever memory will last a lifetime!

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Dads, Dudes, and Duds

I’ll be honest. I was the daughter who gave my parents quite a few of their grey hairs. And yes, it happened over a guy. I dated him for a little over two years and not surprisingly, the whole thing drove a bit of a wedge in my relationship with my parents.

The more my parents said they didn’t like him, the more the two of us bonded. I think I was a bit warped after seeing Grease right after I graduated from high school in 1978. For whatever reason, that movie stayed with me, so a decade later when this guy and I dated, I figured we were like Danny and Sandy who were destined to be together against all odds.

What I wouldn't give now for a do-over.

But this does inspire me to address the topic that many dads have asked me to address: What do you do when your daughter chooses a guy you think is a dud or a loser?

The truth is that I’ve seen many parents alienate their daughter when she’s dating a guy who is not their choice. Clearly the age of the girl plays a part here, but as a general rule, she is going to have to decide what kind of guy is right for her. And she will do it with or without your help. I know it’s hard to see beyond the current struggle, but when it’s not a clear-cut issue (unless he’s abusive or involved in illegal or unethical practices), a key question for you to ask yourself is:

What do I want my forever relationship with her to look like, long past the present situation?

I’m not saying that she doesn’t need your input, because if you say nothing then she doesn’t have your perspective or insight. But if you only criticize and put her boyfriend down, she will run to him because she’ll say, “he understands and ‘gets me’ and gives me space to be me.”

She will interpret anything negative you say about him as an attack on her because she hears you saying that she has bad taste and can’t choose well. This is when a girl gets better at hiding what she’s doing with him if her own heart isn’t convinced he’s not good for her.

Since the focus of my blogs are to you as dads, here are a few practical questions for you to consider:

Dad: Do you talk at her, telling her what you don’t like about him?
Dude: Does he listen to her and side with her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with?

Dad: Do you pull back out of disgust, anger, or disappointment?
Dude: Does he move toward her, embracing her, holding her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with?

Dad: Do you put walls up in your interactions with her to protect your hurting heart over her choice with this guy?
Dude: Does he provide emotional support to lift her up and encourage her while she’s processing hurt and sadness from you?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with?

If I had one piece of advice to give you dads if your daughter is dating a guy you don’t like, it is: Let your actions speak louder than your words. Words are key, but keep them few. Use your words wisely and sparingly. But do use words. (Silence is not an option.)

I do have another piece of advice, though: treat her the way you want a guy to treat her. Don’t back away.

As I said earlier, because more is caught than taught, be the kind of man you want her to marry. Let her experience real love from you. It will provide a good template for comparison. Here are a few questions you can ask her to possibly open up dialogue between the two of you and allow you to help her learn how to think, not just what to think:

• Tell me what you like/love about him? (This way you start with something positive)
• What does he like/love about you?
• How does he let you know he enjoys you?
• What do you laugh about when you’re together?
• Tell me about his family. What is his relationship like with his mother/father/siblings?
• What does he want to be when he “grows up”? 

(She may get defensive with these next ones so be careful to watch your tone so that you aren’t asking with an air of judgment)

• How free are you to use your voice with him? (Saying “yes” and “no”, sharing opinions, preferences, etc.)
• Do you have any concerns about him as a person? (His present/past)
• If there was something about him you could change, what would it be?
• Where do your spiritual beliefs match up and where do they differ?
• What degree or educational goals does he have?
• What career aspirations does he have?
• How do you both navigate conflict when you disagree or differ in your opinions or choices?

These are heavy questions, which is why, depending on where your relationship is with your daughter, you may be able to ask only one or two of them at a time. Yet these questions will give you a template to work from over time in order to draw her out.

And if your daughter is in a relationship that currently breaks your heart, I encourage you to write out (yes, literally write out) a list of specific prayer requests. Watch God work as you use your voice to advocate on your daughter’s behalf with Father God.

And last, I leave you with a question to ponder: How can I maintain a quality relationship with my daughter even if I don’t like the choice she is making with this guy?

Continue to be the dad who outshines the dud so you can be the dude who never varies in his love for his daughter.

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Why Steve Harvey Is My Hero

I’m guessing by now that you’ve heard about the catastrophic gaffe of Steve Harvey [actor, host of Family Feud and of his own talk show] at the Miss Universe Pageant on December 20, 2015. Though I didn’t see it when it aired (and I bet you missed it too!), I have watched the replay as it captures an event that is being described as “the biggest tv fail of the year.”

By mistake, Steve Harvey announced that Miss Columbia had won the crown. She basked in the glory for about two minutes while waving at the audience as flowers, a sash, and a super-sized crown were awarded to her. Then all of a sudden Steve re-entered the stage while somberly saying the words, “I have to apologize.” He told the audience that he had misread the card and in actuality it was Miss Philippines that had won. His words rung out like a church bell tolling in the middle of a quiet night as he added, “I will take responsibility for this…it was my mistake.”

I sat down this week and watched some of the interviews that have aired since all of this happened. I have listened to Steve on his talk show addressing his epic failure. He stood there, alone on his own stage, facing worldwide criticism and attack for his blunder (one that has even led to death threats against him and his family) while courageously addressing the crowd. He didn’t hide or deny. He didn’t deflect or minimize. He didn’t blame or excuse.

If that isn’t a template for heroic fathering, I don’t know what is.

This man owned up.
This man faced his accusers (the world) and the women he hurt.
This man revealed his heart.
This man dropped all defensiveness.
This man asked for forgiveness.

Two weeks ago, almost a month after the incident, Steve dedicated an entire show to this whole fiasco. When asked by a female audience member how he was handling things, he responded:

“I could tell you some hard parts for me, but my deeper concern was for the two women. Because as bad as I felt, my heart bled for Miss Columbia. How could she possibly have felt?
I was stuck on those two women because I have daughters. My wife Marjorie said,
‘You did what your father raised you to be--you went out there and took the hit.’ ”

It touched my heart to hear him express compassion from the vantage point of a father of daughters. He was deeply moved while owning the fact that he had caused harm to two women who were daughters of another dad. He connected to his father heart as he voiced his concern for the potential damage done to these two world-changers.

Just last week on Good Morning America they played clips from the interviews between Mr. Harvey and these two. I was intrigued by how host T.J. Holmes introduced the piece:

“As any man who’s wronged a woman knows, at some point you’re going to have to face the music, sit her down and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Steve is about to make that happen.”

Wow. That’s some good truth, T.J.

Make a decision.
Face the music.
Sit her down.
Say, “I’m sorry.”

I’m inspired by the way these two men, T.J. and Steve, demonstrate that real relationships involve times where a man must look into the face of the one he’s hurt and initiate the conversation with an apology.

Dad, have you done that with your daughter for hurt you’ve caused to her heart?

As one who has spent the past 18 years as a mental health therapist, I can assure you that I don’t hear stories like this enough. I wish I did. Instead, I have heard both women and many men tell me that the default of men tends towards ignoring, defending, blaming, and sometimes even denying that the event played out the way she says it did. Not always, but often. [I realize that I’ve most likely offended some of you right here. Yet please know that my heart is for men, not against them and my desire is to share things that could lead you to explore the deeper layers of yourself should you resonate with what I’m sharing].

I implore you as men, as fathers, as grandfathers, as leaders and influencers, to realize that you aren’t diminished in our eyes when you tell us that you have messed up and hurt us. It allows our hearts to heal when you ask our forgiveness. We women---your daughters, granddaughters, friends, employees, and co-workers really do respect you more when you own up, admit fault, and ask our forgiveness.

This is what I witnessed in the interviews between Steve and each of these women individually. It began with Steve holding back tears as he told Miss Columbia how truly sorry he was. He then boldly asked her, “How do you genuinely feel about how I handled the situation?” Oh my. Such a courageous question. He had no idea what she would say but opened himself up to hear her honest truth. He had to have known that neither of them would be able to move past this incident if they didn’t have this conversation.

She hesitated for a moment, followed with an awkward laugh and said, “You have to learn how to read the cards.” Then she had a phenomenal follow up while heralding, “You wanted me to win!”

That was all it took for Steve to lean back in his seat, throw his hands in the air, then reach over to give her a “high five” and exclaim, “Yes! I wanted you to win!”

It was then that I watched something miraculous and powerful take place.

Miss Columbia softened her stance as she looked up at the larger-than-life photo that hung above them on his talk show stage while noting, “Look at your face.” She lifted her head to observe what HE had experienced on that fateful December day when admitting to a worldwide audience that he had announced the wrong winner.

Do you see what happens when someone owns up to the hurt they’ve caused another? Instead of blame and defensiveness, anger and perhaps even rage, there is an ability to look at what the other person is experiencing. There is power in admitting the harm you’ve caused and doing whatever it takes to make things right.

I believe that had Steve Harvey not faced this woman, let her see his sorrow for the pain he caused her, heard her out, and then asked her forgiveness, she may have never fully healed. Neither would he. Both could have been stuck on that day for the rest of their lives. Instead, Miss Columbia graciously said that she has moved on and believes this was her destiny.

Dad, I trust that you will join me in renewing our commitment today to step up to the plate and admit our part when we’ve harmed someone.

Let’s listen to the story that needs to be told by the one we’ve hurt while deciding to drop the defensiveness and really listen.

Let’s allow ourselves to be vulnerable and ask for forgiveness. I believe there’s a sizable number of daughters in this country who are still waiting to hear from their dads these two life-changing words: “I’m sorry.”

Today you can be a hero by choosing to have the difficult yet honest conversation with your daughter that can allow for her heart to heal. If there’s anything to be learned from Steve Harvey, it’s that healing takes place when a father (or father figure) looks into the eyes of the woman he has hurt and asks her to forgive him.

We’re all human and make mistakes. Yet two words healed two women because one man chose to admit his fault and make it right.

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The Dialed-in Dad Checklist: Your Fathering Self-Assessment

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do.

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation.

In view of that reality, Dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability.

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder.

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized. That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox to support your personal growth as a dad because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended.

Let’s get practical now.

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey (use the items which received the lowest scores on the checklist to guide you here). And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus.

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today.

Here’s the Dialed-in Dad Checklist:

Dialed-In Dad Checklist with Scoring Sheet

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3 Questions a Dad Might Not Have the Courage to Ask His Daughter

Since the launch of the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I live on Venus and you, dad, live on Mars. Truth be told, I’ve been “planet hopping” these past six years since the launch of The Abba Project.

And the more traveling I do between our respective planets, the more I’ve sought to transport observations from life on your sphere back to mine. And vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve discovered about many men. Essentially it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I think we’re all wired a bit that way, in all honesty.

Case in point. My mom is almost 80 years old and was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs) just a year ago. As a vibrant and active woman she has always made time for exercise, walking five days a week for an hour or so. But then last February she started noticing a slight shortness of breath so figured she’d better have things checked out. This started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER one night. Four days later she was in emergency open heart surgery.

Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified---86%. The question then became: How could my mom have been so active and in seemingly fine health with that much blockage to her heart?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms.

But reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. It was the crisis that changed everything. It would have been so much better had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

But that’s the way most of us are, don’t you think? Again, if it ain’t broke, don’t check it out or tune in to it or fix it.

Dad, I share that story to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter (and son, of course). It may seem like things are fine. It may seem like there’s not a crisis or a need because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you assume she’s all good and that she’ll stay that way.

I want to suggest being proactive rather than reactive. I want to suggest attending to her overall heart health now rather than waiting until there’s a crisis. I want to suggest getting close enough to hear her words and listen to what she’s really saying, to look in her eyes and see how she’s really doing.

Why not take the time now to tune in by taking steps to “connect with her insides” (a.k.a. her heart—and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

After all, isn’t this what you do with your medical and dental health? You go for your annual physical or bi-annual prophylaxis---teeth cleaning (can you tell I was a dental assistant for 19 years?!). I’m encouraging you to take the same type of healthcare steps in relation to your fathering role. Think of it as “preventive maintenance.”

To accomplish this goal I have three questions that you can ask your daughter which will allow her to weigh in on how you’re doing as her dad. This may be scary to ask but I challenge you to do it anyway.

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. Promise her that you won’t blow up in anger or get defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her heart. If she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response or text it to you later.

The key is that you use her as a reference point for evaluation on how you’re doing as a dad. Let her be your guide since it’s her heart you’re wanting to connect with and it’s her heart you want to win.

I don’t know if you’ll have the courage to ask these questions. I say that not because I don’t think you can do it but because oftentimes it’s easy to avoid the things we don’t want to hear or know. And because you have no control over her answers, coupled with risking vulnerability in order to have an open-ended conversation like this with your daughter, I realize that it could easily be dismissed. Expect to have every reason in the book NOT to initiate this conversation.

Yet I guarantee that you will have a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter if you ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in?  Here’s your script should you dare to accept this challenge!

Why not take your daughter on a date and ask:  

1.  How am I doing as your dad?  

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me (with 10 being the best)?

3. In your eyes, what could I work on to be a better dad to you?

p.s.  I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions. Write me at drmichellewatson (at) gmail.com

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?  
• Did she say what you thought she would say?
• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?
• Did she give you feedback that you can actually use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?
   

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