5 Lessons a Water Heater Taught Me About Fathering

In my first blog post of this new year I thought I’d share a story of something that happened in a corner of my garage just this past weekend. It’s interesting how some of the things that are most significant and impactful seem to take place at the most unexpected times, and in the most random of ways.  

Here’s the story of my recent encounter with a water heater.

I think I speak for a majority of women when I say that interacting with devices that have the potential to blow up and set our house on fire doesn’t rank high on our list of favorite things to do. But as we all know, sometimes we have to face the scary things in life. Adulthood seems to require that of us, doesn’t it though?

For me that came in the guise of needing to relight the pilot light of my water heater a few days ago after it went out during a strong windstorm.

In the past, I’ve always been able to talk my dad into coming over and relighting it for me. He knows it scares me, especially once I start smelling gas (after a few failed attempts at starting the dumb thing), which usually results in me calling him to come to the rescue. One time, it was even after 9 pm, which prompted him to drive all the way to my house just so I’d have hot water in the morning for my shower. (Thank you, Dad!)

Through the past six years I've lived in this house, my dad has repeatedly tried showing me how to relight the pilot light, but for some reason, it’s just not something I’ve been able to master. Maybe it’s that I don’t do it enough to be good at it. Regardless, it comes close to terrifying me and I’d rather defer. My dad has tried to cheer me on by saying, “You can do it!” while standing there with me, but that honestly doesn’t help. Oftentimes I’ve gotten frustrated and then refused to keep trying after repeated unsuccessful tries. (I know…not a mature response on my part, but I’m keeping it real.)

But then, a few days ago, things changed. This time I knelt there on the garage floor to read the instructions my dad had written on the side of the water heater a few years ago:

1. Turn to off
2. Turn to “Pilot” and push down and hold
3. Hold one minute WHILE pushing green button (clicker) 3 times
4. Turn to “on”…should light

My dad's step-by-step instructions, written in permanent marker.

I’m not going to lie, I was feeling a bit of anxiety the whole time. And then, when I smelled gas, I was ready to quit and call my dad to come to the rescue yet again. But I also wanted to prove to myself (and him) that I could do it. I wanted to face my fear and succeed this time. That’s when I started praying for a miracle.

And on the fifth try…success! To say I was excited was an understatement. I could hardly wait to let my dad know that I DID IT!!!

You may be asking yourself why I’m making such a big deal about a seemingly insignificant thing. After all, don’t we all have opportunities to relight pilot lights on our water heaters when they go out?

The reason is that this experience highlighted for me some key fathering tools that I thought would be worth passing along. I guess you could say the water heater issue revealed a few things about what it means to be a good father. Here's what I am calling “Lessons from the Water Heater:”

1. When you teach your daughter to do something that doesn’t scare you but does scare her, don’t expect her to walk into her fear in the same way or within the same time frame that you do. (It has taken me over six years to finally do this, even after repeated “tutorials” with my dad here on site!)

2. Don’t belittle your daughter in the process of teaching her something new, especially when it’s a skill that you have but she doesn’t have yet. Never tell her that she’s a “baby” or a “scaredy cat” if her real emotions of fear surface. Use nurturing words that encourage and support, even if she fails on that particular day in facing her fear. Courage happens in stages. For today, she is one step closer to conquering the mountain.

3. Be available to come to her aid by doing things for her, because it communicates that she’s worth the help you can offer. Anytime you can stand with your daughter while providing supportive help, it's a good day for you and a great day for her. This is love in action. Talk about a win-win!

4. Respond to her in the way that you want her to eventually respond in crisis when she’s on her own. Because more is caught than taught, she is always watching how you respond (to her and the situation) during these times that are often stressful (with a dash of urgency and panic thrown in). Model to her what it looks like to stay steady in the storm as you demonstrate problem-solving with diligence and strength.

5. Be willing to write out the steps for her to navigate tricky and scary things so she has everything she needs to succeed on her own. Having my dad's hand-written instructions on the side of the water heater, which I could eventually use to navigate the situation on my own, was a gift. It took me years to be ready to follow his instructions, but when I was ready they were there. (Perhaps penning a hand-written note to your daughter today that affirms her will give you a way to put this step into action. Even if it’s not a "step-by-step action plan" like my dad's water heater list, the note can help her remember you're there for her when her fears surface).

In the end I fully believe that most women want:

• to successfully face our fears
• to internalize the lessons you’ve taught us, dad, while making good decisions of our own
• to be proud of ourselves because we did it…all by ourselves
• to know that you're willing to step in when we need your help, especially during those times when things scare us...because it let's us know we're worth being cared for
• for you to be proud of us
• for you to cheer us on no matter how long it takes to finally get it right and figure it out
• to live empowered lives where we do what needs to be done with anything and everything that comes up in our lives

So this week I cheer you on, dad, to start 2016 with resolve to stand next to your daughter as you help her face her fears while you are there with her, sometimes in person and always in spirit.  

If you do, she will soar. And so will you.

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A Winter's Rest

The holidays, more than anything, are a time to be extra purposeful with our families. While I take the next two weeks off from blogging, and spend more one-on-one time with family and friends, I hope you are doing the very same thing--relaxing, connecting, eating more meals together, all the things that make this a cozy season. And I encourage you to be especially intentional with your daughters (and sons), too. I look forward to being back in touch via my blog in the new year! --Michelle

Scents & Sensibility: How One Gift Can Last a Lifetime

Per·fume [pərˌfyo͞om] · a fragrant liquid typically made from essential oils extracted from flowers and spices, used to impart a pleasant smell to one's body or clothes.
Day [dā/] · a period of twenty-four hours as a unit of time; a particular period of the past; an    era.
Per·fume Day [pərˌfyo͞om · dā/] · one of Michelle’s favorite days of the year, when her dad extravagantly spoils her by investing in the perfume of her choice, all with the goal of creating:  
1: a forever memory  
2: a wonderful sensory experience that that lingers throughout the year while serving as a reminder of her dad’s love for her every time she wears it.

I imagine by now that the majority of you have heard me talk about my annual adventure with my dad that we affectionately call “Perfume Day.” If you haven’t read about it in my book or on my December 2014 blog, it's here: Perfume Day: The Tradition Continues; it also includes some hilarious pictures from yesteryear (as documented by some lovely hairstyles along the way)!

My dad, to give you more context, had absolutely no template of how to be a father. His dad wasn’t present much in his life, and when his father was home he was often in a drunken stupor coupled with unbridled anger. When my dad was a young adult, his father--who'd been living for years in an empty railroad boxcar (how he came to live at the rail yard is a story unto itself), homeless and alone--died from the devastating effects of alcoholism. Years later, when my dad was in his late 30’s, he attended a conference where the men were given a challenge. In his own words my dad says, “We men were asked to think about ways we could be special to our kids, and since I had daughters I thought that perfume might be a good thing.”

And with that, Perfume Day was born.

This year I thought I’d approach the topic of creating a lasting memory with your daughter, from a new angle.

First, did you know that some experts say that our sense of smell is the strongest of our five senses? Not only that, but olfactory nerves activate the primitive part of our brain that stays in our long-term memory and corresponds to motivation and emotion. This intricate wiring in our noses means that a certain scent can activate a powerful memory because it often outlasts other memories that are carried by our other four senses.

Dad Translation: By creating an experience with your daughter now that revolves around choosing her favorite perfume, you are giving her a sensory memory that will last a lifetime. The perfume itself will provide a tangible reminder of your love for her because of the way that actual scent will be attached to her memory networks for the rest of her life. From this day forward, every time she smells that scent, it will remind her of you.

Talk about a deposit with dividends that exceed the investment!

Second, this idea of perfume being a memory that can last a lifetime is rooted in history, going back a lot farther than my dad (who has been doing this at Christmas with me for 24 years now!).

Whether or not you’re a Bible reader, I’m hopeful that you’ll find this story relevant in light of this theme. 

Just before Jesus’ death, his friend Mary poured expensive perfume on his feet, an action that was met with ridicule by some of the men who watched it happen. One in particular noted that it was a waste since the money could have been given to the poor. 

Jesus came to Mary’s defense and told them to “leave her alone” while highlighting that she actually was preparing him for his upcoming burial. He told them that the poor would always be with them, but He wouldn’t. Mary seemed to understand something deeper than those around her and she communicated with her actions that the One she loved was worth this kind of costly investment. 

I guess you could say that “Perfume Day” had its beginning between a woman and her Savior. 

Author Ken Gire says it this way:

"We all grow up and grow out of our childlike enthusiasms. But maybe something of the little girl in Mary never did. And maybe one of the reasons she meant so much to Jesus is because sitting at his feet and anointing Him with perfume came as naturally as children throwing their arms around their daddy’s legs and showering Him with hugs and kisses."

Mary’s response to her Friend tells me that He had previously invested well in her. 

Mary’s response to her Friend tells me that she enthusiastically responded back to Him out of a relational overflow.

Mary’s response to her Friend tells me that expressions of extravagant love involving perfume are something that God finds noteworthy of being recorded in His history book.

                 Perfume Day 2014!

Dad, I hope you will take steps this year to make Perfume Day a new tradition with your daughter. And if you’re like some of the men I’ve spoken with who say that their daughter “isn’t into perfume,” perhaps you’ll create a different kind of forever memory by together making a plate or bowl at a “Make-Your-Own-Pottery” store. (I realize that her sense of smell won’t necessarily be activated, but it’s still a great alternative as she’ll have that piece for the rest of her life as a reminder of you).

I wish each of you the best ending to 2015 and look forward to staying connected in 2016 as I continue bringing practical action tools that you can add your fathering toolbox.

But before I go, here’s a photo from Perfume Day last year, and a little to my own father:

"Thanks, Dad, for creating forever memories with me and letting me know I’m worth your investment. 

Love you, Michelle"

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A Father’s Dilemma: Staying vs. Fixing || Guest Blog by William Sanders

Bill Sanders has become a friend of mine this year. As a courageous dad to two daughters, he shares his story here in a way that I believe will inspire you as a dad to stay dialed in to your daughter’s heart. -Michelle

“I was a broken child and dealt with things no child should have to go through. When many men would have run, he stayed. He stayed and led me through my own personal hell and he never strayed.” – Rachel

My 22-year-old daughter, Rachel, wrote those sentences this month as part of an essay for her college social sciences class. The essay started with the sentence: “The leader I admire the most is my father.”

What father wouldn’t want to hear that from his little girl?

I can assure you there were plenty of times over the years that I acted in ways that weren’t admirable. As a Christ follower, I clung to the Bible verse that says, "Love covers a multitude of sins." I believed that I always was parenting my two girls, Rachel and Laura, out of love. I still think that’s mostly true, but to pretend I didn’t act out of selfishness at times would is just that, pretending.

So, starting from the premise that I did not always act admirably, I asked myself: what did I do to deserve this kind of grace and love from my daughter?

I stayed.

Staying is such a boring verb, isn't it? We want to be more than stayers. As dads to daughters, we want to be heroic, larger than life, wise beyond our years. Most of all, we want to be able to fix things in our girls' lives.

As men, fixing is so much more appealing than just about anything else, right?

As far as being a handyman, I am lousy. I can’t fix anything around the house or on my car.

But I want to fix problems. I've wanted to fix my daughters, fix my wife, fix the neighbors (who most assuredly need fixing), and fix my waistline and my hairline. It's what we men do the best. (Not fixing things, but wanting to fix things.)

Here's the rub, though: I am unqualified, unequipped, and not called on by God to fix these people or relationships. Never. I am called to stay in the arena of their lives, to be present, to be salt and light, but not to fix. And neither are you.

Failing to fix the ones in our lives that we nobly want to fix, simply leaves us exasperated and anxious. And little by little, anxiety can kill us.

I’ve been talking to men more recently about their anxieties, and about mine. I've always thought I was a uniquely anxious man with a uniquely anxious family that needed, uh, fixing. But I'm not. And neither are you.

Regardless, I tried to fix Rachel. I was pretty sure she needed some well-intentioned tinkering. She had a severe anxiety disorder, one that is much better now, but it probably will always be a thorn in her side. In middle school she began having panic attacks. She became afraid to leave the house and afraid to be far away from me. I didn’t select the role of being Rachel’s emotional rock. My wife Jane didn’t ask for the role of being her logistical rock, either, or being the fierce advocate for her in school.  

These were the roles that Rachel assigned to us.

I became obsessed with my role, to the point of being an "enabler." The Oxford English Dictionary defines enabler as: “A person or thing that makes something possible.” I guess you could say that being her emotional rock became my identity. My happiness and wellbeing were dependent on Rachel’s happiness and wellbeing.  What a horrible burden to cast upon her. What a ridiculous expectation.

Somewhere along the way, even though I knew better, I became convinced that God was calling me to become all things to Rachel. I was to be her rock, to find a way to cure/fix her, to not rest until she rested, and to carry the burden of knowing that if I failed, she’d wither on the vine and eventually slide into an inescapable shell.

I’ve never heard God speak audibly to me. I tend to look at people funny who say they’ve experienced that, though who am I to judge? But I did get a clear sense that in my spirit, God was lovingly whispering to me:

“Hey my beloved knucklehead. What are you doing to yourself? I’ve got this. I called you to stay, not be her god. Stay. Stay in her life. Stay in the arena of battle, but only to hold her close, not to win the fight for her emotional wellbeing.”

Or something like that. The Bible urges us to cast our burdens upon God and to rest in Him.  I was not even close to doing either of those.

But I stayed, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually, as well.

Men, staying was my calling. Yet I wanted a nobler calling. But turns out, it was plenty noble. For a dad as flawed as I was and still am, one prone to watching too much TV, who thinks he is funnier than he probably is, and who occasionally says the exact wrong thing at the exact worst time, staying was enough to have my daughter call me her hero.

I bet it might be for you and your daughter, too.
 

William Sanders spent 20 years as a writer and editor at daily newspapers, the last 12 of which were with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He admits to being as flawed as the day is long. His wife, Jane and his two (almost) grown daughters, attest to that, but they love him well despite those flaws. William chooses Jesus over religion, grace over law, and the kind of love that covers a multitude of sins over the right to be right. William and his family live in Atlanta, GA.
His memoir, "Staying: A Multi-Generational memoir of Rescue and Restoration," is available on Amazon, or through his website: http://www.william-sanders.com/

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Water With Words: The Key to Tending Your Daughter's Heart

Awhile back I bought four rhododendron plants that were luscious and green. I set them out by my back porch and kept an eye on them to make sure they were getting enough water. Additionally, we had gotten a good douse of rain that particular week (let’s hear it for living in Oregon!) so I figured they were good to go until I planted them. 

However, a few days later I checked on them, assuming they were still doing great, yet was shocked to see that they were barely hanging on. All the leaves were curled in, over half of the bushes had turned yellow, and now the poor plants essentially looked, at best, only half alive. Somehow, with the hot sun over the course of merely a couple of days, the soil had dried up and the plants didn’t get what they needed most: water.

When I wasn’t looking, the plants deteriorated fast.  

Because they needed water and weren’t getting it, they quickly faded and were in a dying process seemingly overnight. I was shocked at how quickly they went from life to death, while on my watch. Here I had planned on giving them a good home, so to speak, and due to my oversight and neglect, they almost didn’t make it.  

But the good news----and the shocking news----is that after one good watering, they sprung back to life in only a few hours. The speedy resurrection process caught me as much by surprise as the original rate of decline, reminding me that water changes everything.

Similarly, your daughter is like these plants. 

With the intensity of the environmental conditions around her, she can fade fast. And if you turn your head and look away for too long, you may be surprised at how quickly she can wither and wilt seemingly overnight, especially when she isn’t being watered with words of kindness, affirmation, encouragement, support, and validation.  

She needs you to “water her heart,” consistently and regularly. By that I mean that she needs you to speak words into her life that are life-breathing and replenishing.

I want to encourage you to be mindful of what you are saying to your daughter on a daily basis. Set your intention toward being a dad who pours refreshing words into the soil of your daughter’s heart so she can withstand the weather conditions around her through every season of the year.  

You, Dad, are a key factor in seeing your daughter flourish. Renew your commitment today to water her heart with your life-breathing words.

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True Story of a Dad Who is Grateful to be Alive

You can tell a lot about the real soul of a man by the way he speaks of his children.

You can tell even more about the real soul of a man by the way his children speak of him.

More specifically and in keeping with my dad-daughter focus, I would add that you can tell the most about the real soul of a daughter not only by how she talks of her dad, but by the smile on her face, the light in her eyes, and the way she turns her head. I guess you could say that her face tells the story.

Maybe it’s because of my profession where I have the privilege of getting up close and personal to heart stories or maybe it's because I'm a daughter myself or maybe it's because I am an observer of people and have seen it with my own eyes, but the unarguable truth is that when a daughter knows she is loved by her dad and feels the reality of his love, it shows. I guess you could say that her face tells the story.

When I meet a father who intensely loves his daughter, my spirit dances. I become almost giddy with joy as I watch their interaction. I smile and celebrate when hearing their stories. I even find myself flashing forward as I envision her as a confident, clear-headed young woman who believes she has what it takes to change the world, in large part due to the forever investment her dad has made in her life. I guess you could say that my face tells the story.  

Some might call me a naive dreamer, but I believe that our country will literally strengthen from the ground up if every dad in America will choose to invest daily while dialing in to his daughter’s heart space with greater intention and consistency than in any previous generation.

Why do I believe that? Because when a girl experiences authentic, unconditional, safe love from her dad she won’t go looking for a counterfeit. Her crap detector will pick up the imposter when she's internalized the pure and the real. 

With that backdrop I want to introduce you to one such dad who has poured his heart into his daughters' lives. 

Meet my friend Jay. He's the proud father of two daughters, Macy (13) and Ava (8). At first glance he may seem like any ordinary father. But if you look closer, Jay will inspire you to never again take even one day that you have with your daughters for granted.

Jay is 41 years old and has already battled an aggressive form of cancer, one that has resulted in multiple surgeries and harsh treatment regimens. Yet somehow in the midst of his battle he has not only found a way to connect with humor but he himself has been a beacon of light to those around him in this otherwise dark place. 

And though he credits his inner strength to his faith, he is quick to add, 

“To this day my father’s influence on my life impacts me. He had a quiet strength about him, and a peace that was obviously other worldly. Observing him gave me confidence that Jesus was real because He impacted my father’s life. And I wanted that, that same impact, in mine.”

I guess you could say that their faith tells the story.

You know, I wonder sometimes why we as human beings have to be pressed to the end of ourselves or the end of our lives to have clarity. I have watched Jay’s life and can honestly say that he is intentionally living each day to its fullest because he sees every day as a gift. He knows that each day is one more day he has to invest in his lives of his precious girls.

Last week his oldest turned 13. The poem he wrote to her melted my heart. Maybe it will yours, too. He wrote:

Macy turns 13 tomorrow. Needless to say I'm a bit emotional tonight.

I look down the hall
See you standing there
Looking in the mirror
Pretty curls in your hair
I know that someday soon
I'll look there again
And you'll be gone
Someday you'll move on
To a family of your own
A different place that you'll call home
For this moment though you're here
I'm your dad and we are near
For this moment I can reach out my arms
And hold you
What a gift this moment is
What an honor and a joy
To share this life with you
And be your dad

Jay and his girls, Ava and Macy.

Do you hear his tender strength in his words? Even if you’re not a poet like Jay, you can take his words to heart as you share in his perspective, one that sees into the depths of his daughter’s life, both now and in years to come.

I asked Jay how his diagnosis has changed the way he lives as a father to his girls, to which he said:

“It makes me look at them differently; it makes me treasure them more completely. I am here, right now, experiencing moments with them that there was no guarantee that I would. So each new moment is one that I am so grateful for--that they get to have it with a dad in their life. Sometimes I think the cancer hasn’t changed me much, but other times I realize it has changed every minute of my life, because I do have a different lens on that I see my family through. I’m grateful for the lens.”

I then asked him to tell me a bit more about how he fathers differently since being diagnosed:

“Sometimes I think in some areas I’m less patient. If the conflict is about something trivial, (and often conflicts are), I find myself having an internal dialogue about what’s really important in life, the big stuff, and how this isn’t it. So the challenge for me is to get to the heart of the matter in the trivial conflicts, and to find a way to love more in the way I handle them. Because even if the conflict is trivial, me loving them well through it is not.”

My last question to Jay was this: 

From the vantage point of a father who has faced and is facing his own mortality in ways beyond what many dads your age have faced, is there anything you would say to other dads (especially dads of daughters) that has become clear to you through your journey these past couple of years?

         “From the moment you wake up, you are getting messages sent to you from the outside. The majority of them that say that you need to something more, buy something more, have something more, and if you don’t you just aren’t quite succeeding. Your daughters are getting those same messages. From social media, from advertisements, even from friends and teachers. We, as their fathers, have the best chance to consistently send a better message, louder and more consistent than the others. That they are completely loved, now. That they are fully enough in your eyes simply because they exist and they are your daughter. They need to hear it, they need to know it, they need to feel it.”

Jay, as a dialed-in dad, you get it. You get how important it is that you look for ways to love more in the way you handle your daughters. You get that your daughters need to know that you love them just because they’re your girls.

And you say it best when you add that “in her few years left under my roof, I want to be a safe place for my daughter…to help her process the things she is being exposed to, even now. I want her to know that I care deeply about her soul, about her heart, about her identity. I want her to continue to know my love for her is so much deeper and stronger than any behavior let down she will ever have, so that she can always confide in me.”

Thank you Jay for speaking from your heart and for backing up your life with your lip. Thank you for opening up from the intensity of your real story and inspiring us all to live each day as if it were our last. 

On this Thanksgiving weekend you remind us all to be thankful, not only that we are alive but that we have today to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Jay McKenney is the Minister of Creative Arts at Sunset Presbyterian where he has served for 10 years. He has been married to his wife Allison for 20 years, and has two daughters, Macy (13) and Ava (8).  In addition to family time, Jay enjoys photography, videography and health coaching.  You can see some of his love for photography at Mac in Black Productions on Facebook or @macinblackproductions on Instagram.

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What I Learned About Myself at my First All Men's Conference

I know I write a lot about encouraging dads to lead with vulnerability. I realize that can sound a bit cliché at times but the reality is that relational bonding and strengthening happen when we’re honest. It’s about choosing to disclose the less-than-admirable stuff, the imperfect stuff, and the insecure sides of ourselves. This is where we more deeply connect on a human level. 

I truly believe that if dads were more willing to let their daughters see them admit failure and talk about a few of their insecurities and flaws, even opening up about their fears, it would go a long way towards building stronger father-daughter bonds. 

Today I’ve decided that it’s my turn to practice what I preach. I want to put myself under the microscope as a daughter, as a woman, and open up about what it was like for me ten days ago while attending my first all men’s conference. I think it’s good when we can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and this past week I got to put on some good old-fashioned, size 12, combat boots and try them on for size, despite swimming in the darn things.

You’ve heard me say over the last six years during my travels to Mars (Reference: Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus) that I’ve discovered that men would often rather do nothing than to do it wrong. 

Said another way, it’s easier sometimes as men to default to a passive stance with an unobtrusive posture, which is a less risky position when in unfamiliar territory. And we all know that this comes into play at various stages when fathering a daughter.

See if this sounds familiar: Your daughter hits puberty and you are completely lost because the playbook that used to work for parenting her now seems to be obsolete. So rather than admit embarrassment when you have no idea what to do or say or confess to the shame you experience after you’ve said the wrong thing at the wrong time (based on her intense response), it’s easier to get defensive or shift the focus to what she’s doing wrong rather than acknowledge that your own stuff got triggered. (It’s amazing how kids seem to know exactly how to find those hidden buttons and push every one of them, isn’t it though?)

This past week my buttons got pushed. At a men’s conference, of all places. Let me set the scene for you:

I walked into the exhibit hall and it was clearly a male domain. I cannot recall where I have felt more exposed or where I felt like I so clearly stuck out in all my life. It’s almost hard to put into words but I’d say it felt a little bit like being on the 25-yard line during a televised NFL football game while the cameras are zooming in closely to the ball right before kickoff. But in this scenario the ball is bright pink. And I’m the ball. Everyone is acting like it’s a typical game but truthfully we all know something is a bit different. And we’re all feeling it though no one is saying anything.

I’m not gonna lie: being so exposed wasn’t easy. I could feel all my insecurities rise to the surface. I didn’t know who to talk to. I didn’t know where I fit. I was a bit out of my element and wasn’t sure what to do with my awkwardness. 

But I had no other option than to sit in the discomfort while “feeling my feelings” (I know that may sound like a Venusian comment but, truth be told, it’s a human comment because we’ve all been created with the capacity to feel real emotion). I hadn’t anticipated it being quite this difficult until I was actually there. I wasn’t sure if maybe even some may have thought I was there to “crash their party.” But now that I was on site, it was game face on.

 NCMM Reload15 Conference in Golden, CO

So in a way that I can only describe as being consistent with my true self, I decided I’d jump in and talk with whoever was willing to engage in conversation. I had to put myself out there in order to secure any possibility of a positive outcome. 

Then on day two, I had the surprise of my life. After I gave my presentation, I unexpectedly experienced one of the most generous, kind, embracing outpourings of support from a group of men than ever before in my life! I had men affirming me left and right, encouraging me and telling me that I had “hit it out of the ballpark.” I share that not to sound egotistical but to say that I was blown away at the way they surrounded me and made me feel like I was accepted on their team as they stood there rooting for me. 

So why am I telling you this story?  Because I think that a lot of what I felt at this all men’s conference is akin to what you sometimes feel as a dad to a daughter. 

It’s when much of what is required doesn’t always come naturally or perhaps isn’t in your wheelhouse. It’s those times when you try to engage your girl but then, when you least expect it, your buttons get pushed----the inept, outnumbered, insecure, over-your-head, out-of-your-league, can’t-do-anything-right buttons that make you feel defeated before you even start. 

All of those realities are what I experienced this past week.

But here’s what I discovered about myself through this experience that I will translate into words that can apply to your daughter. I am hoping they will inspire you today to keep staying the course:

• Don’t walk away, concede, or give up when the challenge in front of you to connect with your daughter leads you to conclude that it’s too hard, or she’s not worth pursuing, during this particular stage of her life.
• Walk into the uncomfortable emotional spaces where real feelings exist because if you push through them, it means there’s a powerful opportunity to discover that you are more courageous than you thought you were.
• Get ready to discover relational surprises and miraculous results just around the bend, right past your fears or insecurities, or just to the side of intense relational realities.
• The unexpected reward is worth the cost and the risk.

I know we’re all in this together and you, Dad, are the reason I write these blogs each week, the reason I wrote my book, and the reason why I lead dads in The Abba Project. I want to live out the things I encourage you to do, and this week I had an opportunity to put into action the things I encourage you to do.

I want to challenge you right now to take time this weekend to walk into one fathering fear. 

Maybe it’s that talk you know would be wise to have about sex or God or boys or boundaries. Maybe it’s about making amends for something you know you said that hurt her while you choose to honestly admit your own humanity. Maybe it’s about doing something you know you need to do to get yourself in alignment so that your backstory aligns with the truth of who you are (ranging from engaging your own spiritual practices to anything you’re doing that doesn’t sit quite right with your core values).

Whatever it is, may you be courageous this week, and in the process, discover new things about yourself.

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Why I Sometimes Feel Sorry for You as a Dad

So Dad, I know that you don’t always have it easy when it comes to trying to understand your daughter. As a girl myself, I can truly say that much of the time we think you can tell what we’re feeling or needing or wanting just because mom does and it seems obvious to us that you should be able to figure us out, too.

That’s where my heart goes out to you, because I really do know that the art of mind reading isn’t something that's taught in any Martian courses I’ve ever heard of! (Reference: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It’s really not fair to you that we expect you to “get us” without us giving you any help or guidance. So here’s my attempt at putting words to some of what I believe is going on between you and your girl.

My summary of what I see when it comes to male-female communication dynamics is simply this:                 

             Men read on the lines and women read between the lines.

Men tend to be straightforward and say what they mean, and mean what they say. Not a lot of hidden agendas or hidden meanings. In fact, this is why most men are exhausted just trying to keep up with all the possible meanings that we women give to events, relationships, situations, themselves, outcomes, etcetera! 

Women, on the other hand, tend to pretty much read into everything. This is just how we’re wired. It’s a DNA thing, I guess you could say, because every woman I know has this same behavior going on. We try to rise above, yet deep down we’re always wondering if your tone or look or inflection or mood or stance—basically anything and everything that’s going on with you—could possibly mean that you’re mad or unhappy with us. We women excel at looking under, over, alongside, and through every conversation, every look, every voice inflection, and every facial expression. 

When it comes to daughters and dads, daughters are constantly reading between the lines of their interactions (or lack of) with their dads. Whether there’s a lot of interaction, little interaction, no interaction, reactive interaction, humorous interaction, or loving interaction, every single girl is interpreting every single interaction, good or bad, between her and her dad. 

She is continually sorting out who she is and where she’s going in life. She’s constantly wondering if she is “this enough” or “that enough” while questioning whether she’ll be able to keep up or make a difference or live out her own dreams for the future.

This is why her dad’s reflection back to her about the "truest truth" of herself helps her to understand and know herself better. 

Let me put it a bit more clearly...in a way that is stated on the lines, and not between them: 

If you, dad, laugh at her jokes, she tells herself, “I’m funny.”
If you discuss politics and world events with her, she tells herself, “I’m interesting.”
If you draw her out, asking her opinion about a fact, theory or line of thought, she tells herself, “I’m knowledgeable.”
If you ask for her help to fix something, she tells herself, “I’m capable.”
If you ask her to help you brainstorm about buying a present for mom, she tells herself, “I’m clever.”
If you applaud her for her achievements in sports, grades, music or work, she tells herself, “I’m competent.”
If you enthusiastically affirm her artistic endeavors, she tells herself, “I’m creative.”
If you celebrate her academic prowess, she tells herself, “I’m smart.”
If you actively listen to her while she is talking, she tells herself, “I’m engaging.”
If you teach her to say “no” and then respect her boundaries, she tells herself, “I’m strong.
If you light up and brightly smile upon seeing her, she tells herself, “I’m delightful.”
If you respect her opinions about topics ranging from literature to spiritual things, she tells herself, “I’m wise.”
If you treat her with kindness, understanding, tenderness, and love, she tells herself, "I'm worthy."

And on it goes. There is no end to the impact on a daughter from the messages her dad gives her. 

The bottom line is this:

Head, or cerebral, interactions rest ON the lines.

(they are predictable, factual, informative, and content-driven) 

Heart interactions rest BETWEEN the lines.

(they are intuitive, connected, emotional, sensitive, and heartfelt)

The clearer a dad’s positive messages are to his daughter, the less reading between the lines she will need to do. She will thrive as she knows and feels that her father delights in her. 

Why is this? Because when a girl feels her dad’s heart turned toward her, she believes there is nothing she can’t do because her father knows best. She then is free to be all she was created to be.

Let this day be one where you make a decision to grow in reading between the lines of your daughter’s life by getting closer to her heart space to hear what she’s saying. Practically speaking, this could look simply like affirming her when she least expects it or choosing to write her a note to encourage her “just because” or even surprising her at school with her favorite coffee drink or smoothie to let her know she’s your treasure and you are so glad to be her dad.

These action steps, my friend, will go a long way toward helping you read between the lines in your daughter’s life because you’ll be targeting her heart needs in ways that speak loud and clear to her. 

And the more you practice reading between her lines, the clearer her headlines will become. 

Lastly, here's a printable handout entitled "Dad, Here are Your Lines."  Hopefully, it will come in handy whenever you're trying to bridge the communication gap with your daughter!

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Heart Turns Yield Great Returns: An Investment Strategy for Dads of Daughters

When I launched The Abba Project in January of 2010, it came on the heels of reading a story in the New Testament that particularly struck me. It was about a dad named Zechariah who was told that his son, John, would help “turn the hearts of fathers to their children.” For some reason, the way those words were strung together jumped out at me differently than it ever had before. 

At that time, the main thing I took away was that I was being given a really amazing yet daunting assignment to help equip dads to be more intentional with their daughters. As time’s gone on, however, I’ve pondered the significance of the carefully scripted, unusually worded phrase, “turn the hearts of fathers.” 

I’ve never had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” toward them, have you? 

A much more common expression is “turn my head.” Turning our heads is so instinctive and automatic that we don’t think about it when it happens. We just do it, in response to motion, to noise, to anything that catches our attention. Turning our heart, it seems, isn’t so reflexive. It’s directed by a decision, a choice, maybe even a passion. 

For most dads, it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head, or cerebral, level. Turning the heart is typically more difficult for a man to do. 

Most girls I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their dads. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out a FAFSA (federal student aid form) to opening a bank account. The reality is that we need and value our dad’s rational, logical, intelligent minds to help us navigate life.

This then raises the question: Why did God talk about heart turns and not head turns?

I firmly believe that a turned heart from a dad to his daughter will do more to deposit love, confidence, value, and strength into her life than anything else he could do.

A turned head:

• implies that information is being exchanged. 
• means that something or someone has caught the attention of another as mental activity is stimulated. 
• is the seedbed of thought and deliberation, of consideration and contemplation.
• is where choice originates and decisions are birthed. 
  
  The language in the story of Luke about a turned heart is less intuitive for men and takes more work than a turned head. 

And I figure that God must have written this directive about a turned heart for a reason, which means that not only is it possible for dads to do it, but it also must be important or he wouldn’t have worded it this way. Because this language is intentional, it invites the question whether there’s a difference between a dad turning his head and turning his heart. 

A turned heart:

• implies emotion and connection. 
• can bypass thought, perhaps even words. 
• is responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. 
• communicates a depth of openness and availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. 
• is about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. 

And a girl can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. 

Case in point: You’re watching the game. It’s your team against Notre Dame. Fourth quarter. Score is tied. She comes in crying. You tell her you’re listening. One ear toward her. One ear toward the game. One and a half eyes on the game. Half an eye on her. Bad timing. Dilemma.

If you’re serious about turning your heart, expect to be inconvenienced. 

As you head into this next week, why not set a goal to consciously raise your awareness and ask yourself every day if your heart is turned towards your girl. Use the above list that clarifies what a heart turn looks like to assess whether you’re getting close enough to see her eyes, feel her emotion, and hear her words.

I cheer you on today, Dad, and trust that your heart turns this week will outnumber your head turns. Become an expert “heart turner” and your daughter will be the beneficiary of your efforts!

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The SCARY Side of Fathering a Daughter

Since tomorrow is Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week. Enjoy!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past six years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.”  

This emotional reality for dads take place when:

• she requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb
• her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally cannot always keep up or figure her out
• she asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are
• you wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now “that boy” seems to have taken up residence in her heart space, in the exact same place that used to have a “No Boys Allowed” sign on the door
• you blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious flower in one fell swoop if you’re not careful
• you fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold prickly chill in the air and noticing that her emotional walls are up, yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall
• you face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”)
• you realize you are a physical representation on earth of her Father in heaven and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do.

I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father. But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends.

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the frightening and confusing dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind. I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart:

1. See… Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2. Hear… Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3. Smell… Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter (particularly if she’s in “one of her moods”) by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: Compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.

4. Taste… It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (A current Abba Project Dad just drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She can’t stop talking about it! Way to go dad. You created a forever memory!)

5. Touch… If safe touch calms babies, how can it not be what we still need as we age? Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (A recent Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she developed physically around the age of 13, but then started doing it again while he was in the group. The results of their re-engaging with healthy, interactive physical contact was positively amazing to their relationship!)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicating love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so that the SCARY side to fathering loses its grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear, you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re scared!

Go Dad!

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