Your Daughter Needs You to Hold Her Safe in the Storm

It's Archive August! You may be asking yourself, “Haven’t I read this post before?!” My answer is, “Hopefully, yes, and please read it again!” Why? Well, because I’m taking the month off to rest and refuel for a busy season ahead! For the month of August, I’ll be reposting two of my “Best Of" Dad-Daughter-Friday blogs. I hope “the second time around” provides you with new insights, or the chance to put something into action you haven't yet tried. If you’re new to my blog, welcome! I look forward to September, when I'll be back with fresh thoughts that express my passion for dads dialing in to their daughters. Thanks for traveling with me this last year. Here's to another great year of walking together.  [Original post September 11, 2015]

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one is valued at a million. When I first saw this picture posted on Facebook it immediately melted my heart. There’s just something about seeing a daddy protecting his little girl that has a way of reaching in and touching the deepest place in all of us.

I think for those of us who are daughters, we project ourselves into this photo and wish we were the one being held safely in the arms of a dad like this. Even when we’re grown up.

And if this picture itself isn’t enough, here’s what mom Sarah included as her caption:

"We got caught in a huge thunderstorm and flash flood warnings alerted on our phones. Addie was the only kiddo not covered in the stroller, but she loved getting drenched. She keeps talking about it to Tom, "We were in the rain together and you held me." #nycsummer #dctrip"

Oh my. Have there ever been more profound words spoken by a three-year old?

"Dad, we were in the rain together and you held me."

The storm itself didn’t scare her.
Being unprepared for the crazy weather conditions didn’t prove to be too much for her.
Even standing on the unpredictable streets of Washington DC didn’t overwhelm her.

Why? Because her daddy held her. In the rain. Through the storm.

Dad, I know how much you loved the days when you held your baby girl tight as she was scared. You might still tear up when you recall how she’d come running to you with her arms outstretched and wanted only you to comfort her. As you reached down to pick her up you felt like your heart would burst with love as you held her close. Back then you would tell her that everything would be all right because you were there.

But then she grew up and didn’t seem to need you as much. And it left you feeling a bit lost. You wondered how were you going to save the day if she found her own umbrella and no longer came running to you when her skies snapped, crackled, and popped.

It was then that you packed up your superhero cape. But along with that a part of you shut down. You assumed that now that you weren’t being called to active duty in the same way you once were that now you were unnecessary.

Please hear me when I say:

• Dad, we always need you
• You are always necessary
• Whether near or far
• Without you we struggle to feel safe in the downpour
• No matter what age we are

The reality is that even though we now are navigating storms on our own, we inwardly wish you could be there to shield us and do the heavy lifting when the big bad wolf comes to huff and puff and blow our house down. It would be easier to run to you every single time something hard hits out of nowhere. But we know we won’t grow up if we do that.

At some point we have to stand strong in the storms by ourselves.

And you can rest assured that we’ve taken what you’ve taught us and we forever hold it inside. All that courage you’ve instilled is now a part of who we are.

The thing is that our storms just look a little different now than they did when we were little. But they’re storms just the same. And we still need you to hold us tight, but with a bit more room in between us.

Dad, you hold us safe in the storm and save the day when you:

• Come home every night, making us feel safe and cared for
• Provide for us and work hard to do so
• Love us unconditionally even when we’re prickly and crunchy
• Tell us that a B is just as good as an A because we did our best (Believe it or not, we’re harder on ourselves than you can imagine and we need you to ally with the part of us that tried, not the part of us that was less than perfect because disappointing you hurts more than the low grade)
• Spend time playing with us and doing life together
• Teach us how to drive without getting frustrated with us through the learning process
• Wipe our tears and tell us that he was a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he’s losing
• Help us fill out our FAFSA---and other complicated forms---with patience and attention to detail
• Show mercy and grace at times when a consequence is deserved
• Make amends and ask forgiveness when you’ve said or done something to hurt us, especially when it doesn’t align with your heart toward us

The list goes on but you get the gist.

The truth is that we need you to hold us safe in the storm, whether the storm is on inside of us as the sky is falling or whether the downpour rages around us. When you’re calm and patient and loving and kind through it all, you are our safe haven.

This is the story of a daughter who feels loved and secure in her daddy's love. How I long for the day when every daughter will know that her dad will hold her safely in the storm. [Click to Tweet]

p.s. And just so you know, the dad in this picture told me: “I will never forget that moment as long as I live.”

(Dad, give your daughter a BIG HUG today, one she will feel to the core of her being. And if she’s far away, call and tell her you will always be there no matter what. Mark this day with an extra dose of action-oriented love).

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How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

Recently I read a heart-warming story tucked on the back page of a small-town Oregon newspaper about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter! This indicates to me that she got to feel and hear what her big event was like for him…at a heart level.

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera, as it officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. I’m truly in awe of the precision to detail, preparation, planning, and investment of time and money that goes into one single day for a teenage girl. What a forever gift she is given by her family! And similar to that of a wedding day, the focus is centered on a single “flower” who blossoms in front of all who come to celebrate only her. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that is poured over her, especially from her father, as four main events represent her transition from little girl to grown woman:

• the changing of her shoes from flats to heels
• her dance with her last doll
• her crowning with a tiara
• the dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Especially touching in the article was a picture of dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

And there was dad, nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did indeed fall.

Dad continued by explaining how emotional it was for him to see his daughter laughing and smiling while dancing in her sparkling dress holding her favorite doll. He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. Yet as her dad, he was filled with joy as he proudly showed her off to everyone.

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way. I’ll take the liberty here of being blunt by saying that from what I’ve heard over the past few decades of coming alongside girls and young women is that for many of them the event that marked their right of passage from childhood to adulthood was a fleeting sexual experience, that of a one night stand. Not always, but rarely is she left feeling valued or celebrated. Instead, she may feel used, unwanted, undesirable, or maybe even unloved.

BUT…what would if be like if dads everywhere found a way to let their maturing daughters know that as a dad they are dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into and embraces womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style,

• maybe you could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature.

• maybe she’s the type of girl who would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her.

• maybe you could have a fancy dinner at home (one that has her favorite food and done in an extra special way that shows forethought with décor and fancy dinnerware) where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song. Ask another family member to record it for future enjoyment (at least by you if that isn’t her thing!).

• maybe she would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces.

• maybe she’s wired to do a risk-taking activity that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon (and the best part is that you can do it with her…if you’re able--or be there to cheer her on, if you're not).

These are just a few ideas to hopefully spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you are excited to see your little girl grow up. Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

(*The original newspaper article is posted in The Beaverton Resource Guide, June 2016, p 18, http://www.beavertonresourceguide.com/beaverton-teen-talk-quinceanera-celebrating-one-girls-coming-of-age/)

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Be The Reason She Turns Toward God as a Father, Not The Reason She Doesn’t

In 2010, ABC News presented the findings of a groundbreaking study by Froese and Bader summarizing the four ways that Americans view God. I was astounded to discover that only 22% characterized the Almighty in a positive way, primarily describing him as benevolent. The other 78% claimed to see God through a negative lens, viewing him as critical (21%), distant (24%), or authoritative (28%).

When I first read this article, my immediate thought was: I wonder if the 78% who view God negatively also have a critical, distant, or authoritative father who’s shaped the way they responded to this query.

I’ve been speaking to male and female audiences for the past few years about the correlation between the way we relate to our earthly father and our subsequent response to God as a Father. Almost always, tears are shed by some as tangible pain begins to surface once the connection between the two is made.

Afterwards, it’s typical for those with tear-stained cheeks to make their way to the front, courageously trusting me with their stories as their inner vaults are opened. My heart consistently breaks as gut-wrenching backstories of father wounds and father voids are told. Whether male or female, these folks tend to live with significant vertical challenges.

After one such presentation in Colorado I met 31-year old Elaina. She’s given me permission to share her story.

I wanted to tell you that it was kind of hard for me to connect with what you're doing with dads because my bio dad is almost totally absent and my stepdad is, well, my stepdad . . . so it seems almost impossible that I could ever use the skills you're teaching.

HOWEVER, I found it really helpful when you had us free associate words for father.

I came up with absent, jerk and lonely-which really helped me when I was talking to my counselor yesterday, trying to describe my experience of my dads!

Anyway, I'm so grateful that you're doing this work with dads. If there had been someone like you around or a workbook detailing what you do, it might not have had to be this way between me and either of my dads. Maybe then I would have a better image of God and would not hop from father figure to father figure, trying to find someone to affirm me and feed my father hunger.

For the first time in her life, Elaina realized that she had unconsciously projected onto God a skewed negative perception because of two fathers who were poor representations of him. Yet her courageous new awareness started to unravel the knotted cord of confusion that had unwittingly woven its way around her heart and mind.

I believe that the horizontal and vertical are synonymously related. And I also believe that our relationship with our dad significantly influences our view of God as a Father.

To explore this theory further, I decided to conduct my own informal research a few years ago by asking girls between the ages of 13 and 30 to share their thoughts with me on this topic. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions based on what you read.  

Question: What have you learned about relating to God as a Father or about connecting (or not connecting) with your spiritual side from watching your dad?  What does he model to you (or not model to you) in terms of spirituality?

• That I want to get as far away from it as possible. Not because what he believes is right; on the contrary.

• From when I was little my dad took me on dates. He always said he wanted to model the kind of way a man should treat me, but I don’t think he realized how much that taught me about the nature of God’s love. That has been so huge for me as a maturing woman. God isn’t this far off entity, but rather He wants an intimate and caring relationship.

• Oy…my family hasn’t been particularly religious for a long time. I can’t honestly say that I remember when my parents stopped attending church. For me it was a very definite point in my life, but I don’t really know for them. Dad and I have never really talked about spirituality. So, I dunno…

• He has definitely modeled that God the Father is the only true and perfect father, and that only he can satisfy the void in our hearts for that kind of person. I see him relying on God the Father to fill his heart, and it inspires me to do the same.

• I have learned that my dad has an entirely separate connection to God than do I. He models to me that it is good to be a good person, no matter what you have to do to get people to like you. For him it is all about receiving, not about giving. 

• NOTHING!!! My “father” is a hypocrite and I would never want to model any of his ideas to my own children or any other person that I come in contact with.

• One of my favorite pictures of God as my comforter is an image of my dad holding me when I was little. When I am needing to just cry to the Lord for his peace and comfort, I often get the picture of being a little kid crawling into my Dad’s lap and arms on our old lazy boy chair in the living room. My dad models unconditional love, authenticity, encouragement, and comfort to me. 

• My Dad doesn’t pray with me. When I was a little girl my Mom prayed with me at night, but I’ve never prayed with him or talked with him about any spiritual issues.

• My dad has always shown unconditional forgiveness. He does not hold grudges, but easily forgives. This is a true blessing! I know that when I come to my dad or my Heavenly Father to confess something, I am accepted, forgiven, and loved.

• I don’t know. Honestly, I haven’t thought of my step dad as my dad until recently, so I haven’t looked at him to model things for me.

• I don’t believe that my dad models a lot when it comes to spirituality; I think I have drawn my own conclusions from his more subtle modeling in the past. I don’t really associate my dad with the Christian Father.

As you can see, some young women are drawn to a Heavenly Father because of the foundation set by their dad while others aren’t.

My friend and pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, has a powerful way of highlighting this theme. I resonate with her assertions:

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her…

You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there.  You both need a bigger, better father on your side.

You need to tell your daughter what you think and believe. What you believe will have a strong impact on what she believes. And if you feel you need to start your faith journey right alongside her, do it. She’ll love it. 

Dad…I realize you have a weighty assignment when it comes to being a bridge to help connect your daughter to God as a Father. And I imagine you would rather be the reason she turns towards him rather than the reason she doesn’t.

Here are a few ways to help make that happen:

1. Know that this isn’t about you being a perfect father because only God is a perfect Father.

2. Choose to be authentic, honest, real, and humble----which boils down to be willing to admit that you too make mistakes and when at fault, ask forgiveness and make amends.

3. Seize every opportunity to be honest with yourself (and her at times) about your questions and fears when it comes to God and spiritual things.

4. Seek real answers to your real questions.

5. Model what it looks like to be a learner who takes time to feed your spiritual life.

6. Pursue knowing her heart in loving, consistent, honoring, intentional, gracious, kind, and nurturing ways.

These steps will set a strong and positive foundation where she will be more apt to connect with God as her Father because you led the way.

And finally, I’d like to encourage you to take an action step today (or schedule dad-daughter time today for later in the week) by opening up a conversation with your daughter about spiritual things. Below I’ve attached a questionnaire to guide you to that end. Write and tell me how it goes. I’d love to hear!

Dad to Daughter Questions on Spiritual Issues (PDF)

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How to Damage Your Daughter in One Quick Step

I met a young dad not too long ago who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter. His face lit up and his eyes seemed to smile as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve written a book to dads about daughters, he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for even a moment. After 35+ years of walking alongside teenage and 20-something young women in various contexts, my answer quickly bolted from my mouth before I had time to think.

“Make sure to always drop your anger.”  

I went on to explain (since, after all, I hadn’t used up my 20 seconds yet)…

“Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close up her spirit.”

Because he was still tuned in fully, I kept going.

“In the Bible God actually says that it’s all about fathers turning their HEARTS and not just their HEADS towards their daughters. In fact, He adds that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children that He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my response was too negative and blunt. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what TO do instead of what NOT to do.

But on second thought, the truth is that my reflexive, intuitive response to his question was based on 3½ decades of interacting with girls and young women. My deep desire was to help him by responding honestly to his question. And because the sad reality is that I’ve heard more stories from young women about their heart hurts as a result of their dad’s anger than almost anything else.

I knew I had to speak boldly and honestly in an attempt to plant this seed in his heart and mind early.

Here are five main ways that I’ve seen that a dads anger impact his daughter:

• Your anger has the power to destroy her spirit.

• Your anger shuts her down.

• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

• Your anger causes her to give up.

• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.

My belief is that every one of you dads wants the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.  You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core.  You want her be all of who she is created to be where she thrives from a deep knowledge that comes in part from you where she knows and believes she is loved, lovable, and worthy of being loved. You want her to take those truth deposits and live them out in such a way that she is able to share her love with the world. 

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad:  

The way your daughter will achieve this goal of being the best version of herself is for you to daily stay the course with consistency while you…

• Instruct her without anger.

• Discipline her without anger.

• Dialogue with her without anger.

• Disagree with her without anger.

• Lead her without anger.

Choose today to set a new course by determining that, when triggered, you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding. I’d even suggest giving yourself a “time out” that matches your age (a.k.a. if you’re 50, take 50 minutes) to cool off and come back to the conversation later. You’ll have less chance of saying something you regret by letting your brain slow down when it’s rapid-firing.

Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends. Ask forgiveness. This is also a heart healing, heart restorative move.

Make a covenant in your heart and with your mouth not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward. 

Instead, be the life-breathing, kind, gentle, positive voice in her head that motivates and inspires her because there’s nothing better than a daughter who she knows in the depths of her being that her dad is FOR her!

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What Father's Day Isn't About

Father’s Day was always celebrated big in our house even though it seemed that mom usually got the better gifts and the grander celebration on her day in May. Not sure why that was other than I think we assumed that Dad didn’t care as much about all the stuff. Truth be told, he seemed happiest when we were all simply together.

(My dad is still like that to this day--even after having celebrated 56 of these dad’s days to date--he says the stuff doesn’t matter, it’s the people who do).

And because Father’s Day always fell on a Sunday, we girls would typically give him breakfast in bed with a couple of presents before church. Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money to buy anything extravagant. Yet as I think back now, I see how that allowed us to get our creative juices flowing at an early age. I remember one year when I was about 12 that I painted words on a big rock: “Turn me over please” was strategically placed on one side with “Thanks, that feels much better” on the other. My dad thought it was hilarious, and he proudly displayed it on his office desk--which made me very happy and equally proud.

There’s something about a dad’s approval that can take something commonplace and inexpensive and turn it into a valued masterpiece.

But it was actually our homemade cards with hand-written coupons inside that made Dad smile the most. I think some of his favorites were the “free” backrub, the car wash, and the promise to bake him a big batch of his favorite peanut butter cookies. And though the bulk of the coupons were rarely redeemed (I’m guessing he forgot about them as each year passed on), it was the love, thought, and intention that mattered more than anything to him.

I heard an interview recently where Bishop T.D. Jakes was talking about parenting and said, “It’s not what you leave to them that makes them great, it’s what you leave in them.”

I am living proof of that. I didn’t grow up with extravagance, yet I always had enough. Even as I ponder now the contrast of my dad’s upbringing to mine, I realize that having just enough was a gift (though, if I’m honest, I often wished I had the cool stuff that the “popular kids” had and didn’t see this as much of a gift at the time).

My dad’s backstory is that he grew up in extreme poverty on the South Side of Chicago and worked from the time he was six years old, helping his brothers with their paper routes. His dauntless work ethic and fearless determination set in motion some incredible relational skills and courageous strength that he drew upon years later when he sold cookware and life insurance as a door-to-door salesman in San Francisco.

My dad’s father was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old. Survival in South Chicago meant joining a gang, so my dad joined one when he was just eleven years old. He didn’t get out until he was sixteen. In fact, my dad still has scars on his body that mark that time in his life. It was a classic example of the survival of the fittest, and somehow my dad survived despite having been dealt a really crappy hand. He literally didn’t have much security, stability, nurture, or guidance from anyone in his life.

Yet because my dad had to be resourceful as a kid, he brought that skill into his fathering. Here are some examples of things that cost him almost nothing in the monetary sense, but were forever deposits because he gave us the gift of himself:

• He’d lie down on the living room floor after dinner and, as loud as he could, pretend he was sleeping and snoring while we girls would sneak up on him, only to have him grab one of our legs and set off a giggle fest that filled every inch of the room.

• He built us a scooter out of a milk crate and a skateboard.

• When tucking us into bed he would make up unique, creative, engaging stories accompanied with a ritual where he would close his eyes and let us “put his thinking cap on” until he came up with a “just right” scenario.

• He wrote rhyming poems to us, often leaving them on the kitchen counter to discover on mornings when he left the house early.

• He turned a one-room bedroom into a modified two-room “suite” by building a wall in the center with a hanging curtain in the doorway to divide the two sides, all so his two oldest daughters each felt like they had a room of their own.

• When camping as a family, he bought each of us girls a miniature pocket knife, and taught us how to make a whistle from a stick.

• He can fix almost anything---from watches to cars to computers to hot tubs to rooftops to broken appliances.

• He still fixes my broken things….and mows my lawn.

Why do I share these stories about my dad?

To serve as a reminder that Father’s Day isn’t about the stuff. It’s about the relationship between you and your kids. 

It’s about celebrating the one-on-one time you spend doing things with them to create lasting memories. It’s not about the money, it’s about the experiences. It’s about bringing yourself to the table, not your work. It’s about being invested in the things your kids care about while you teach them life lessons in the process.

YOU, Dad, are the gift that keeps on giving.

YOU are the best gift in the world to your kids. I hope you never underestimate the value you have in their lives, whether they realize it now or not.

I pray that you will reap a rich harvest on Father’s Day in like kind to the seeds you’ve sown the other 364 days of the year as a result of investing your time, your attention, and yourself into the lives of your kids.

I celebrate you as a father today, along with the other 70.1+ million dads in America who have the incredibly important role of fathering your kids. You are vital to the health and well-being of our country, and the more you give of yourself to your children, the stronger and healthier our nation will be.

I really do hope you feel loved and appreciated today. Happy Father’s Day, Dad, from my heart to yours.

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Truth or Dare: 3 Questions You Might Be Too Afraid To Ask Your Daughter...But Should

I’ve heard it said that a lot of men do best when they’re challenged. And not just challenged to do something that could be possible, but dared to do something far greater than they could ever imagine doing.

Case in point: I watched a documentary a while ago where men voluntarily attended a week of grueling military boot camp, paying large sums of money to be pushed past their limits. Why did they do it? They said it was simply to prove that they could.

A question comes to mind as I see men who are willing to go the distance physically: Would they be equally responsive to opportunities to prove that they can push past their limits in something potentially more important, that of pursuing and engaging their daughter’s heart? I understand that it’s often confusing, exhausting, and downright frustrating to figure her out as she matures (hence my reason for talking about this as a challenge that pushes you beyond your limits…a lot!). Yet she needs you, Dad, to hang in there as a fully engaged father throughout her entire lifespan.

So right here, right now, I am counting on the fact that you as a dad, with this specific challenge, will rise to the occasion---or will keep rising to the occasion---to prove your commitment to fatherhood. In response, I offer you both a truth and a dare.

Truth: Commendable men take the initiative to invest in their kids, accepting challenges even when it means sacrificing their own comfort, needs, and personal agenda.

Dare: Take your daughter on a date (a scheduled time where just the two of you can talk freely and openly where you are investing in her with your time, money, energy, and focus) and ask her three of the most important questions you could ever ask her.

But first you must let her know that you won’t get hurt (at least in a way that is outwardly expressed to her) or angry in response to what she tells you. Assure her that you want her honest feedback so you can be the best dad you can be to her.

One other thing:  If your daughter (or son, should you choose to do this with him too) does better with expressing her thoughts and feelings in writing, she may prefer to write her responses to you. Then make sure you talk about it with her later. Having the conversation in person may be hard, but is really powerful when you add your voice to the mix.

Dad, if you’re willing to accept the challenge, then here goes. Here are three questions to ask your daughter…if you dare:

1.  On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me as a dad? (With 0 being the worst and 10 being the best)

2. What are three things I’m doing as your dad that make you feel like I’m on your side and supportive of you?

3. What could I work on to be a better dad to you? (These last two words are key because, as you know, each one of your kids has unique wiring and therefore needs you to individually pace with him or her accordingly)

So there it is----three of the most important questions you might ever ask your daughter.

Prove to yourself today that you are a proactive dad who initiates by starting the daring conversations with your daughter. It can all start by courageously challenging yourself to ask three simple questions.

On your mark, get set…ask!
 

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Father's Day Gift Idea

Hi Friends,

As you’ve gotten to know me over time, you know that I love sharing my life with you. But equally true is that I’m not one who gets in your face and says, “Buy my book!”

Yet I’ve been encouraged to step out of my comfort zone and share my heart with you about why I believe the book I wrote to dads of daughters----Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart---would be a worthwhile investment as a gift for any dad this Father’s Day.

1. It’s written just for men, with short chapters that are straight forward and to the point (which is what men told me they wanted when I surveyed them before writing it).

2. It’s action-oriented, not just theory (men have told me they want to know what to do to fix things and make their relationship with their daughter better…so I gave them what they asked for).

3. There are lots of stories from other dads of daughters, which helps guys feel more supported and less alone (men told me they like hearing stories…so again, I gave them what they asked for, even sharing about my relationship with my dad and his story of growing up on the South Side of Chicago).

4. In the Appendix there are specific scripts a dad can use when taking his daughter on dates that equips him to initiate conversations with more competence, resulting in greater confidence (my ultimate goal is for dads to take action to pursue their daughter’s heart, and these scripts provide a template for a dad to get to know his daughter in a deeper way as he invites her to share more of her thoughts and feelings while he does the same).

I promise you that my goal is not for higher book sales. What I do truly hope for is that this book will be a guide to positively equip dads to hit it out of the ballpark in their role as fathers to their daughters.

If you know a dad who could benefit from a field guide to better equip him in his role this Father’s Day, here’s a link to the book: Dad, Here's What I Really Need From You

And last, if you want to share this blog with your friends, simply go to my Facebook page and share the post. Thank you for your love, support, and encouragement.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever!

From my heart to yours, Michelle

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Making Amends: How One Dad Did it Right

I can easily say that the most common question I am asked by fathers of daughters (in person and via my website) is: How do I make things right with my daughter because things between us aren’t so good?

  The exact words that some have used are as follows:

• “I want to be closer to my daughter. If you have anything for rebuilding our relationship, I’d love that.”

• “I need help with my estranged daughter. Why is it hard for her to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. I need some wisdom.”

• “How do I get access to my daughter’s heart if I'm being cut out?”

I acknowledge that I often have minimal knowledge of the entirety of the situation when responding. Yet I also want to give dads practical and proactive strategies they can put into action to invest in changing the dance for the better with their girls.

This leads me to a real life story, one that I had the privilege of being a part of earlier this year. Leanne is a 35-year old daughter, married, and the mother of two. She contacted me to ask if I could help navigate her relationship with her father after years of feeling the strain between them. Both were willing to peel back the layers while knowing they needed a guide through the process. 

Dad, Scott, told his daughter that if this would help her heal then he was committed to joining her even though he saw the task ahead as somewhat daunting and perhaps unnecessary. Courageously, both opened up about the ways that Scott’s often gruff and dismissive parenting style when raising his tender-hearted daughter not only hurt her then, but still has her oftentimes currently believing that she is “stupid and dumb,” with an overall feeing of being unworthy.

Through this process dad gave his daughter one of the best gifts she’s ever received from him. Without being defensive, Scott listened. For seven weeks in a row, he listened. Far past the point where he normally would have walked away.

All out of love for his daughter.

We finally reached the place where Scott, though hesitantly, was willing to accept an assignment to write Leanne a letter. Not knowing exactly what to write (especially since his daughter is an accomplished writer, which in his mind served to highlight his inadequacy), he used a template to guide the process: Writing a Letter to Your Daughter.pdf

This dad followed directions, put pen to paper (actually fingers to keyboard), and gave it his all. To say he did it right is an understatement!

Scott told his daughter how he sees her embodying the meaning of her name while telling her specific ways he is proud of her, even including unique qualities he admires about her. And he made amends. He said he was sorry for not being gentle and patient with her when she was a little girl.

Now you may be wondering: What good does it do to dredge up the past, especially when bygones are bygones? You may be thinking that it’s cruel for an adult daughter to drag her dad into a counselor’s office just so he can hear her tell him how he blew it when she was little when he was doing the best he could at the time.

You can decide for yourself whether you still hold to that position after hearing what Leanne later wrote to her dad in response to their life-changing session:

There was a moment when you stopped reading for a second and you glanced at me with wet eyes and tears streaming down your cheeks—I don’t even remember what part of the letter it was—that I have permanently engrained in my memory. It’s the strongest you’ve ever looked to me. I find it fascinating, and I think you might think it absurd, that my certainty of your strength was birthed from a moment where you were completely broken down. Even the little six-year-old in me is so proud, “My daddy is so strong!”  Dad, you are one of the bravest men I know.

Even as an adult woman, Leanne longed to hear what her daddy thought about her. She soaked in his words---about being proud of her and why---and about truly understanding the ways he had hurt her.

And Leanne needed to hear him read the letter out loud to her. She needed to hear his heartfelt emotion as he expressed himself. In fact, every year I hear dads in The Abba Project tell the group that reading their letters to their daughters is one of the hardest yet best things they’ve ever done. Why? Because their daughters are able to see their emotion coupled with their words and it bonds each dad and daughter together.

Scott agrees. Something broke free in him by doing this, leading him to say: “I don’t expect myself to be perfect anymore. I’m actually more real now.”

It was in this process of opening up the conversation that both of their hearts moved towards healing. When her father asked forgiveness, his daughter responded with love and grace. Each of them felt more understood as they did this piece of work together. Leanne further explained:

It’s like taking two magnets and flipping them around so instead of connecting tightly, they push against each other in opposition, making it impossible for connection to happen. This letter, both the letter itself and my dad’s emotions in reading it, was the first time our magnets faced the right way for connection to happen.

In reflecting back on this experience, I asked Leanne to share a few highlights that stood out to her from the journey:

The problem is the wounds from hurt don’t get healed if we ignore them; I learned that not only was I wounded by the past, so was my dad. His sobs and streaming tears were physical manifestations of how deep his own wounds are. This means we have pain in common and in a weird way I feel closer to him now that I know.

So to sum up, I want to tell dads everywhere to write and read your daughter a letter because it:

1) shows she’s worth pursuing

2) lets her know how you feel about her as a person

3) allows her to see herself through your eyes, which is far more valuable and loving than how the world will communicate her worth.

Click to Tweet

My hope in sharing their story with you is that Leanne and Scott will serve as a real-life example demonstrating that it’s never too late for a dad to make amends with his daughter. When a dad comes without defensiveness, and is open and willing to hear her heart hurts, he gives her---and himself---the gift of freedom, release, and healing.

Thank you, Leanne and Scott. I believe I speak for us all when I say how extremely grateful we are for the gift you have given us by your courage to share your story.

I trust that every dad in America will take their story to heart and take steps today to make amends with his daughter (and son). Don’t put it off another day.

She’s worth the hard work. And so are you.

P.S. Just in case you’d like to hear more of Leanne’s insights, I’m including them in a first ever full-length addendum to my blog. Think of it as the bonus feature to this week’s tutorial, compliments of our guest.

• All his words meant so much to me that I couldn’t help but cry. I had no idea how he felt; I’ve been running on assumptions all these years, the wrong assumptions, based on few words and past experiences. He’s a new person but I’d never seen or heard the new dad until this letter.

• I literally feel like I heard words I’ve been waiting 30 years to hear. My dad has told me many times he’s proud of me, but he’s never told me why or how he’s proud of me. I’ve never heard how he felt when I was born, that he was scared and felt like he had a skewed knowledge of parenting. I heard him articulate how he sees me as a person and how he feels about me.

• I felt so much more affirmed and adored and valued than I ever have in my life by my dad. It makes a difference. He loves me and values me, which changes the way I see myself.

• There’d even been some tears shed in the past when he’s apologized for the way he treated my brother and me, but this time was different because his full emotions came out attached with more words—there were buckets of affirming words for me. This time it was more than, “I’m sorry. I was a terrible father.” It was “I’m sorry, I feel horrid for what I did to you. You are all these things and I value you and I want to love you differently and better. Please forgive me.”

• The longer we keep things locked up tight, the harder they spill out when the lid is pried off. But then everything is emotionally cleansed and you can breathe again, realizing for the first time how suffocating all that pain had been. I’ve been there, and now I could feel my dad experiencing the same thing. That felt special to me.

• Being vulnerable with each other is really foreign—I think Dad is uncomfortable with his own feelings, especially tearful feelings, and I simultaneously don’t want to make him uncomfortable with my own feelings yet also want to protect myself from rejection if Dad thinks my feelings are unreasonable or stupid.

• My relationship with my dad, past and future, impacts so many other areas of my life—confidence, parenting, my eating disorder recovery, sense of worth. I don’t know the psychology behind why my dad’s connection with me matters in those things—matters in helping trust who I am—but it does. I still need my dad at 35, and I suspect at 45 and 50 and so on because there’s still an inner-child who needs the nurturing and love. I don’t know how to articulate the connection, but I know God sees me as this child and interacts with me as such, so there’s a reason why my earthly dad plays such an imperative role. 

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6 Years, 7 Observations, and My 8 Word Manifesto for Dads

This week was graduation week for another 10 dads who have completed their 9-month Abba Project journey.

Year after year these men inspire and amaze me as I witness their willingness to accept the challenge to intentionally and consistently pursue their daughter’s hearts over the course of an entire school year. And they all testify to the fact that while their COMPETENCE increases, in equal proportion so does their CONFIDENCE.

I wish that every one of you could come sit with us during one of our group sessions. You would witness dads supporting each other in amazing ways while sharing a similar passion and end goal, that of connecting more with their daughters. For some of them it’s a continuation of a pursuit that already has a well-established foundation set during her childhood, while for others it’s more of an exhausting workout to win back her heart.

The incredible dads of Abba Project 2016

These guys are my heroes and they are literally changing the landscape of our country, one dad at a time, as they “kick it up a notch” with their daughters. They come hungry to learn how to do everything from lead richer conversations to that of enhancing their active listening skills, all while tending to the heart space of their girls. It’s absolutely incredible to witness the growth in these dads in only nine months! [And any of you can join the ranks of these Abba Project dads by reading my book and then doing the dad-daughter dates/activities listed in the back. Write and tell me how it goes!]  

I often refer to myself as a “planet-hopper,” and by that I mean I travel from Venus (my planet) to Mars (your planet)--as author John Grey delineates in his book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. So I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on some things I’ve observed over the course of time. These insights aren’t meant to be all-inclusive, they are simply things I’ve come to appreciate and discover, things I’ve learned first-hand from my expeditions that have led to greater understanding and deeper admiration for fathers.
 
Here goes:

1. Dads are deeply motivated when a particular cause profoundly touches their hearts.

When I started The Abba Project people were shocked that men would add more to their already full plates. Yet they came. Why? “Because we love our daughters,” they’ve said. Dads make the time to do those things they deem worthy of the sacrifice of their time and will move heaven and earth to make something happen if they believe in it.

2. Dads are willing to be taught when the things they're learning resonate with their minds and hearts.

I’ll share with you a secret: When this whole thing with dads got started, I hadn’t expected that men would want to learn from someone who wasn’t a father, especially me. Yet they are rock stars in my eyes, every one of them, because they get out there, sometimes under the bright lights of scrutiny (from their families or friends who hear they’re doing this dad-daughter group thing), all the while coming with a teachable spirit that enriches the learning process. Yes, the world watches with enthusiasm when a dad invests in his kids!

3. Dads are readily open to expressing thoughts and feelings when in the safety of other men.

I’ll be honest----this one caught me by surprise. I hadn’t expected men to talk as much as they do and to tear up when talking about their daughters. I’ve told them how I’m continually blown away at how much they talk, to which they’ve said, “It’s because we’re not competing with women to be heard.” I realize that might sound a bit brutal, but it’s what they’ve said. And when they hear each other, they feel less alone and more supported…and then they talk more!

4. Dads are willing to risk being vulnerable when they know that those around them stand in solidarity.

This is a powerful thing to observe in action. When one dad starts to cry, either because his heart is breaking or perhaps because he’s deeply grateful for a positive breakthrough with his girl, he doesn’t often know what to do when his emotion is so visible. I love when tears start to flow because it says that this is a courageous dad who has activated his heart. And it shows that he is willing to let his authentic self be seen by other men who are also in it to win it.

5. Dads are fiercely loyal to one another when they're on the same team or on the same side of the battlefield.

These guys literally bond as a “band of brothers” through this process of becoming more engaged, dialed-in dads. They champion each other when the chips are down, and when they mess up or are rejected by their girls. And then they celebrate with each other when the wind changes direction and the sun breaks through the clouds. I can often literally feel the support in the room as they rally together around each other. It’s a beautiful thing.

6. Dads thrive when their efforts yield positive results in the lives of the people they love, especially their daughters, thus inspiring them to invest even more.

I believe that it can be harder for men than women to press in relationally, especially when things are moving in a negative direction, away from harmony. Yet I’ve seen that as dads gain tools for enhancing relationships with their daughters, they transfer those skills to all their relationships, and as a result they are inspired to stay the course and keep doing what works.

7. Dads of all ages really do want the same thing: to get it right as fathers, to do it better than the generation before them, and to be the best dad they can be.

Though I know there are “deadbeat dads” out there, as well as dads who perpetuate the darkness that was modeled to them by their fathers, I stand aligned with those who want to change things for the better as they seek to set a new direction. That’s what my dad did and you can, too. I believe that you will leave a rich legacy as you work to be a great dad, a dialed-in dad, and one who impacts the course of history by positively investing in your children.

Wrapping things up, here are my final thoughts. I’ll call this my 8-word final manifesto for dads:

There is transformative power in a dad’s love. [CLICK to TWEET]

When you listen and affirm, love and care, believe in and express, pursue and invest, you give your daughter a key to changing her world, which she can then use to change the world around her.

That’s what I’ve learned from my six years of traveling to Mars.

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What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads who have daughters. There is this kind of tender, fierce strength that I bear witness to time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men via The Abba Project. I hear their stories. I listen to their fears. At other times I witness their tears. All are equally impactful. All are equally powerful.

I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the thing about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces of our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,
2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and
3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve sat with men and women who say they were unaware their tears were even there until they showed up. Their surprising release of tears then served as the path to intimate depths within themselves, thus allowing for even deeper introspection and self-awareness by which to honor that which is being disclosed.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us. [click to tweet]

I’ll always remember the night during one of our Abba Project meetings when the heart of one dad, a firefighter named Scott, was powerfully expressed in a way that touched all of us in the room. While he allowed himself to be transparent, tears fell down his cheeks, giving each of us a treasured gift, a gift of his vulnerability. We were all changed as a result.

When Scott started The Abba Project he and his 22-year old daughter Katie weren’t as close as he wanted them to be. They didn’t talk much, and with her now living a couple of hours away, their times of real connection were few and far between. Then there was a turn of events and all of a sudden Katie was back living at home. Heading into their dad-daughter date night one particular month, Scott had the opportunity to open up the conversation about WORDS.

I’ll let Scott, with his permission, tell the story in his own words:

“We had our date at the house and when I went through the questions, asking her about words I’ve spoken that have hurt her, she couldn’t remember any. So I brought up things I thought had possibly had an impact on her. Still she couldn’t remember them. The wanting to know and the asking are what had the impact on her.

Then I read her the letter I’d written. She listened and then said, “‘Thanks Dad. I’m putting it in my ‘Affirmations Box.’ “

I didn’t even know she had one. She asked if I wanted to see it and then went to get it. She started taking things out of this medium-sized box and showed me what was there. I quickly noticed that there wasn’t anything in it from me. Until now, that is. She told me she was putting the letter I had just written her into the box.

It was then that I had a realization. Not only did I have no idea that she had an ‘Affirmations Box’ but I suddenly remembered that I had one of my own. I just hadn’t ever called it by that name.

I actually have a bag I use for work and asked her if she wanted to see it. I showed her that I have saved four things she’d made me that were in the bottom of it. One of them was a picture she’d drawn me when she was about 12 years old of Multnomah Falls with a truck driving on the road below and the words Oregon’s Biggest Waterfall written on the top. It was quite a bonding time for us. (Tears were readily streaming down Scott’s cheeks by this point in the story, as were ours).

Scott then concluded by saying:

Thank you for having me write the letter and read it to her so that I could find out about her box. I asked if I could help fill up her box now that I know about it.

She immediately said: ‘Yes.’”

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• He feels emotionally connected to his daughter (or son), especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

Katie's drawings that Scott forever keeps in his bag.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us girls feel our father’s love when you as our dad are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us. When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if it might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter see how you really feel about her when she looks into your eyes while witnessing your love for her that just might come in the form of your tears.

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