Perfume, Pottery, Painting & Powell's

For those of you who have been reading my blog for the past couple of years, you already know that one of my favorite days of the year is affectionately called, “Perfume Day!” And for those of you dads who are new to this conversation, I’m excited to share more about why this event is one that’s worth turning into a tradition with your daughter, no matter her age.

Perfume Day is now an annual tradition in the Watson family, one that my father invented when he was challenged 25 years ago to think about how to be a better dad to his girls. He tells the story of going home and asking himself, “What do girls need to feel special? I think they like to smell good!” 
 
And from that, Perfume Day was born. 

Each year on December 23rd or 24th, my dad takes me to lunch in downtown Portland, followed with a trip to Nordstrom. Once there, my dad finds a comfy place to be seated in the perfume department, and then we begin the calculated process of diligently smelling our way through the maze of invigorating aromas while together choosing just the right perfume…for me! My dad has all the patience in the world as we narrow the selection, beginning with our top contenders and finally landing on that one perfect scent. And, of course, the day wouldn’t be complete without taking an insane number of photos, which always garners the attention of female clerks who chime in by saying they wish their dads would do this for them.

The reality is that this tradition not only yields dividends far greater than the perfume in the bottle, but it lasts far longer than the money that leaves my dad’s wallet.

Imagine with me what it would be like to start this tradition with your daughter as you, Dad, bring this kind of memory-making, just-about-YOU-and-HER event into your Christmas season.

Now time to switch gears. Rather than tackle this theme single-handedly, I’ve enlisted the help of a few friends who’ve been happily willing to share their stories in a Q & A format. I trust you’ll enjoy hearing from other dads and daughters who are now in the “Perfume Day Club,” starting with my own dad, Jim. 

1. Jim Watson:

In one sentence, what does Perfume Day mean to you? “It’s always a special bonding time at the holiday season which includes lunch and tons of pictures.”
 
What stands out to you as special in our tradition? “Just watching the interaction with you and the sales people and before long there are two or three involved in the process and I get to be a part of it and enjoy.”
 
What would you tell other dads who are reluctant to do this event with their girls? “It’s not about the cost or the frivolity perhaps that some would think. It’s about the event where you do something special with your daughter and regardless of the expense, you will derive far more not only that day but throughout the year as your daughter knows that you love and care for her. And every time she puts on a spritz, that’s the reminder that she is loved much.”

But I don’t want you just to take mine or my dad’s word for it. Now I’m going to share some stories from other dads and daughters who have done Perfume Day. Notice how many of them use the words like “fun” and “excited” to describe what it’s like for them!

2. Maddie (age 15) and dad, Steve:
    
Steve: 
“Maddie and I enjoyed our first Perfume Day on Christmas Eve in 2013 and we’ve done it every Christmas Eve since. It’s part of our rhythm now and so much fun. At first, she was all, ‘that's weird.’  But then she said, ‘Dad, I'd really like to do that’...and so we did. I think she was shocked that it didn't matter what it cost - $59 for a sense of value beyond a sticker price seems like a good value. Why wouldn't any father do that? I suppose many do; it grieves me that many don't.” 

Maddie:
“The first time we did Perfume Day was when I was in 7th grade and I thought it was pretty weird. It felt weird to go to Kohl’s and sniff all the perfumes and take a picture. I hated the picture part especially. It felt weird to get perfume since I had never had any before and my mom never wears it. BUT... I now look forward to it and I get excited to go with him. I still don't like the picture part as much but I don't mind it. I like going to lunch and getting my mom’s gifts with him without my brother. It's always quality bonding time and I have a lot of fun with him. 

I'm looking forward to this year since I'm not sure which perfume I'll get and I'm excited to spend that little date time with him. I love doing it each year; it feels like it's ‘our’ thing. It's totally worth it--the time and the money. I wouldn't even care if I didn't get the perfume. I just enjoy being with him and knowing it will for sure happen each Christmas time.

What would you tell other dads who are reluctant to do this event with their girls? “I think my dad would say it's ‘money well spent’ though I'm not sure it always is since in past years I haven't even finished the bottle of perfume. But it is money well spent and time well spent. I'd recommend every dad to do this with his daughter even if it wasn't for perfume. If my dad took me every year on one specific day for donuts and coffee, I would get excited.”
  
3. Danielle (age 25), Stephanie (age 33) and dad, Mark:   
 
Mark: 
“Every year just after Thanksgiving both of my daughters start asking me in earnest if I have any 'funny money' set aside for our perfume date and to come up with a few dates to choose from so we can hang out and pick out that perfect perfume for them. Oh, and they have as much fun picking out a new cologne for me too. 

Our tradition includes grabbing dinner too, a great time to just hang out and talk. It truly has become the most anticipated event of the year.

What would you tell other dads? My council to any dad is that this intentional investment of time will be one of the best opportunities to create those Abba moments they will look back on and cherish and more importantly, your daughters will.”

Danielle: 
“My dad and I started doing Perfume Day four or five Christmases ago! I think it's really fun and special to do this type of date with my daddy and my sister. 

It's an amazing feeling knowing that my dad wants to take time out of his busy schedule not only to spend time with his two baby girls, but to also spoil us in the process. While his time alone would be enough for us, what girl doesn't like to be spoiled with some amazing smelling perfume?!” 

Stephanie:
“As far as its impact, it's pretty special because being married now I don't see my dad as much or get to do fun things like this with him. Usually, now I do everything with my husband. So, having this special thing we do together (especially over the holidays when everything is so festive) is something I look forward to every year. It's fun to spend time with my sister and him alone. I've actually been looking to our perfume date this year for awhile now! Plus, it's awesome to go home with a new bottle of perfume every year ;).

What would you tell other dads who aren’t sure they want to spend the money or take the time to treat their daughters to perfume and a date like you do with your dad? “I would ask them what is more important than investing in their daughter emotionally, or financially? My dad has invested more than just this way, but every time I look at my perfume and put it on I remember where it came from and the amazing time we had shopping for it. 

While sometimes finances may be tight, or you just don't feel like spending that much, the memories will last a lifetime, and it's something that can be passed down to your daughter’s husband and their little girl. It's worth it. Invest the time, invest the money. 

4. Jim (a grandfather):

“My granddaughter, Rayna, is in Germany now, as her dad is in the Air Force, but I did Perfume Day with her the year that they lived Spokane. I remember the lady at the counter was so helpful and made her feel so grown up, even though she was only six at the time. We made a day of it starting with lunch and then off to Macy's. 

Those type of things built our relationship, which is good since she is not my biological granddaughter. She is now twelve and FaceTime's me almost daily from Germany, sharing her struggles with me. That day is still a special day for me, kind of like my first day hunting with my son (I am not a hunter, but it was something my son wanted to do). The Perfume Day set the tone for where we are today. Thank you for sharing this with me because I would have never come up with it on my own.”

Before I sign off, I want to give a few alternate ideas to those dads whose daughters may not like perfume:

Perhaps you might want to start an annual tradition of painting on a plate or bowl at a “Decorate-Your-Own-Pottery” store. The way it works is that you paint it one day, have it fired in a kiln the next (they do this for you), and then you pick it up a few days later. The staff will help you start-to-finish so you don’t have to be a seasoned artist to create an awesome masterpiece. Step out of your comfort zone and try something new!
 
Or you might want to follow Nate’s idea of taking his daughter Maddie to an art studio that caters to the novice painter while each participant is systematically walked through the process from beginning to end, thus making it super easy. Each of them went home with a finished painting in their hands, making the experience a huge success! Just to give you an idea of what these places are called, in my area we have Vine Gogh and Wine & Canvas.

I’ve got one more creative alternative for you: Your daughter may prefer books to perfume. That’s the reality for my Abba Project co-leader, Clay Swanson, with one of his three daughters. So their tradition includes going to our largest bookstore in Portland, Powell’s City of Books, where he lets her get as many books as she wants, adding that he “gets to know more about her as we tour the shelves and talk about book series.” 

Clay sums it well when he says, "What a joy to have a tradition that means so much to my girls no matter the age!”

Dad, today you’ve heard how we as girls feel super valued when our dads invest in us in these extra, over-the-top, even unnecessary and extravagant ways. So this year, whether it’s perfume, pottery, painting, or Powell’s Books (or a bookstore in your local area), the important thing is the tradition and the planning, as well as the fact that you’re willing to spend money on your daughter while spending quality time with her. 

So Dads…gear up and choose your event---the one that will be your tangible way of expressing love to your daughter in an extra special, fun way this Christmas season. She’ll never forget it…and neither will you!

(As always, I’d love to see pictures and hear all about it! Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com).

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year, to each of you. I’ll see you back here in 2017!
  

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At the End of Your Life...

I’m at the age where increasing numbers of friends are saying their forever goodbyes to loved ones. I can honestly say that more often than not I struggle to know how to best come alongside them in their grief.

Last month, one of my long-time friends lost her dad to cancer. Her heart ached as she watched her once-strong father suffer, making his passing particularly bittersweet. Then three weeks ago I attended a memorial service for a well-loved 42-year old friend of mine, a mom with three sons, whose unexpected death left a large community in shock. She had actually been bowling only hours earlier with her family, then passed away in the night. We’re all still reeling as we try to wrap our minds and hearts around the fact that she’s really gone. Additionally, I have two other girlfriends who are painfully walking alongside their mothers right now as each of them prepares to make her entrance to heaven sometime soon. Clearly, this end-of-life theme is extremely poignant and raw for me right now.

There’s nothing like the end of someone’s life to challenge everyone who knew that person to do some serious soul searching about what lasts and what really matters.

Do you ever wonder what your kids will say about you after you’re gone?

I think this is a good question to ponder. Because the truth is that the way you answer this question will significantly impact the way you live today…and each day after.

I’ve been conducting my own empirical research over the past year. And though you might think this a bit morbid, I’ll share it nonetheless. I’ve been going to card sections in various stores---from drug stores to grocery stores to Hallmark to Dollar Tree---just to see which cards are available to give to someone after the death of a father. Here’s what I’ve discovered in this process: virtually every store has a wide range of cards for the loss of one’s mother, but most of them had only one--or maybe two--options for the loss of a father. I was both surprised and saddened by this. But when the pattern repeated itself, I figured there must be a reason. The only sense I can make of it is that it must be about supply and demand. I can’t help but wonder if there’s not as much of a demand for cards that console children who have lost their dads.

This brings to mind a story you may have read about of a Catholic nun who, at the request of a prison inmate, bought a Mother’s Day card for him to send to his mom. Word got around the prison, and after being inundated with requests, the nun contacted Hallmark who then made a large donation of boxed cards so the other inmates could also send cards to their moms for Mother’s Day. So as to anticipate the rush for Father’s Day the following month, she contacted Hallmark again asking for a donation. To her surprise, not even one inmate asked for a free card to honor his father. Perhaps we’ll never know the reason why the story played out this way, but my guess is that their mamas had consistently made more heart deposits than their dads had.

Oh, how I long to see that reality change. This is what fuels my passion to assist, equip, and empower fathers to turn their hearts toward their children, especially their daughters.

You know this already, but I’ll say it again: We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint that lasts beyond our days on earth.

Thus, I invite you to ask yourself a tough question, one that will allow you to be brutally honest with yourself while sitting in the reality that you will leave a legacy…for good or bad.

What do you want your legacy to look like?

You get to decide, in large part, what the answer to that question will be by the choices you make today.

You will literally change the course of history through your active engagement with your daughter (and son) at a heart level. She will carry you with her long after you leave this earth. She will replay audio recordings inside her head of conversations the two of you had. She will watch videos in her mind’s eye where you interacted with each other. She will look at tangible items you bought her, made for her, or wrote to her that will serve as forever reminders of you.

Your legacy will live on inside her in direct proportion to your heart investment in her.

Every year in The Abba Project I invite dads to complete this sentence during our very first meeting:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only

ONE THING

to say about me, I’d want it to be...

I encourage them to be specific so that their goal is measurable while adding, “If you state that you want your daughter to know you loved her, write a specific way that your love will be expressed to her so you can know that you did it.”

Year after year I am blown away at the incredible warmth and depth that arises from the hearts of fathers in The Abba Project who each want their daughters to truly know how much they are loved by them. Listen to a few of the responses from dads in the group this year who responded honestly by sharing the ONE THING they want their daughters to say about them after they’re gone:

• That I was always there.
• That I loved her just the way she is.
• That I understand her.
• That my dad was the source of the courage and confidence I needed to take chances.
• That my dad was there when I needed him.
• That he was the best dad I could have asked for.
• I want each one of my girls to say, 'I was his favorite.’

How about you? How are you completing this sentence?

Decide today what it is, specifically, that you want your daughter (and son) to remember about you when you’re not here anymore to remind them of their value to you. I encourage you to keep this page open right now and not to walk away until you’ve answered.

Dad, there’s no better time than the present to respond so that you can put your heart’s desire into action today. Here’s the sentence again:

At the end of my life, if my daughter (or son) had only ONE THING to say about me, I’d want it to be...

(As always, if you want to share your answer with me, I’d love to hear. Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com).

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The Power of a Dad's Written Words

This past summer I had the privilege of attending a big music festival in Salem, Oregon called Fish Fest. What made it extra special is that it was my first public appearance with KPDQ, the station that is now hosting my new radio program, The Dad Whisperer. 

It was a day I’ll never forget, due in part to the 104-degree weather, yet also because it was so meaningful to be a part of connecting with people while having the privilege of hearing their stories. I also gave away a copy of my book every hour, which was a fun way to put my book into the hands of our listeners.

Early in the day, I had the privilege of talking with a dad who told me some of his story, one that included his 17-year old daughter living in the Midwest with her mom. He said that he texts her a few times a week and that’s how they stay connected. I affirmed him for investing in his daughter in that way but then decided to say a bit more (I know…BIG SURPRISE!)

I encouraged him to write letters to his daughter periodically, adding that when a dad writes something in his own handwriting, it stands out from all the technology. I acknowledge here that I may have misread his body language, but I got the sense that I’d said enough. So we smiled and said goodbye.

An hour or two later, after another hourly book drawing, a beautiful woman in her late 50’s, with poise and grace in abundance, came to the booth to get her book. We got to talking and she shared that she had just lost her husband of 38 years this past November (about nine months earlier). She said that she had come to this event alone and was learning to branch out and try new things in this season of her life. She also said that she had two sons but was looking forward to reading the book, and then promised to give it to a dad of a daughter who could use it.

It was then that I took a risk in the hope of opening up a “deeper conversation.” I decided to ask about her relationship with her dad. She readily began talking and shared that her father was a quiet man. She said they didn’t have much of a relationship because he worked a lot. But then her tone changed and she broke into a beaming smile while telling me a specific story.

“When I was in eighth grade, my dad was out of town for business. And he wrote me two letters during the time he was gone. I don’t quite know why he did it, but I’m glad he did.”

By the tone of her voice and her radiant smile, I knew which question to ask next.

“Did you save the letters?” I asked.

“Yes, I sure did,” she said with a happy lilt to her voice, “and I still have them.”

I immediately told her that I knew just the man who needed to hear her story. I told her that there was a dad who needed to know how important a dad’s written words are to his daughter and she gave me permission to share her story. But in a crowd so large, I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again.

Yet wouldn’t you know it, the next person to win a book in the following hour was that man’s girlfriend! So there he was, back at the booth. And I’m guessing you know how the story continued.

I’m not sure that he was as inspired as I was. But suffice it to say, this is a story that bears repeating while serving as a lesson to dads of daughters:

Dad, put your words of love, affirmation, acceptance, belief, encouragement, applause, and kindness in writing to your daughter and she will most likely treasure it for a lifetime.

Action Step: Here we are with a little over a month until Christmas. What if you wrote a letter to your daughter and put it in a box as a gift for her this year? I guarantee she will treasure it!

Or maybe you want to follow in the footsteps of former Abba Project Dad, Wayne, and after writing your letter, you can hire someone to write it in calligraphy and have it framed.

No matter the format you choose, your daughter will soak in your words that you put in writing. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that it just could be her favorite Christmas present this year! Why not give it a try and see.

P.S. Though I've shared this with my readers before, I want to make sure all of you dads have a copy. "Writing a Letter to Your Daughter" (attached as a PDF) will give you lots of ideas should you decide to put pen to paper and give your daughter something to cherish that’s written in your handwriting!

"WRITING A LETTER TO YOUR DAUGHTER.PDF"

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You're Not Wearing That, Are You?!

As you can imagine, when dads ask me questions about how to be a better parent to their daughters, it’s not uncommon to have scenarios that range from how to handle blue hair to short dresses to low cut shirts to tight pants. There’s nothing more horrifying for a dad than to see his daughter heading out to face the world in something that shows way too much booty (or any body part, for that matter!).

One such thought-provoking question was posed to me when I spoke to a group of men who had gathered early one Friday morning at their kids’ school for Dads and Donuts (a monthly forum where dads come to the campus, listen to a speaker, and connect with each other…all while being “bribed” by a plethora of free donuts!).

Grant spoke up first and said,

“My daughter is in 7th grade and we got into it just this morning. She was heading out the door to school when I caught a glimpse of what she was wearing. There was absolutely no way I was okay seeing her in an outfit that was clinging to her body and showing that much skin. I told her she couldn’t wear it, and of course, the sparks flew. My question to you is: How could I have handled that situation differently?”
 

Right then, with every dad staring at me, waiting for the “magic answer,” I realized that they were all commiserating with him and feeling his pain. They all knew he needed an answer that would fix the problem…today. With that reality in mind, I responded by saying,

“My guess is that once your daughter was upset with you, the whole intense interaction between you escalated, which caused her mom to jump in to comfort your daughter, then leading mom to be angry with you because they were your comments that led to her daughter crying and it was your fault. So not only was your daughter upset with you, but now mom was too.”

It was then that Grant blurted out, “Were you at our house this morning?!”, prompting laughter from all the guys, which I heard as the incredible sound of tribal support.

I took a breath and continued,

“The first thought that comes to my mind is that it’s never a good idea to have a confrontation when your daughter is on her way OUT the door. She had probably already put her outfit together the night before and had matched her makeup and her hair to coordinate with her outfit. And now you wanted her to change it all in a matter of minutes. There is no way that we as girls can change course that fast, especially when it comes to our clothes.

Secondly, the next question that comes to mind is: How did that outfit get in your house in the first place? I’m guessing that mom was involved in the decision to buy it. Therefore, it seems like you and she need to have this conversation before you and your daughter do.

But most importantly, your daughter is at an age where she needs to learn HOW to think, not just WHAT to think. What would it be like if you were to say something like this to her:

‘I’m a guy and I know how guys think when they see a lot of curves and skin on a beautiful girl. I imagine that with the outfit you’re wearing, it’s going to be hard for boys not to stare at you and be focused on your body today. But rather than ask you to go change your clothes right now and throw your whole day off before it even starts, I want to give you an assignment and then the two of us can talk about it when we both get home tonight. I’d like you to watch how guys look at you today in that outfit. But you’re probably going to miss some of it, so I’d like to have you ask two of your girlfriends to be in this experiment with you. I want them to watch too and give you their feedback at the end of the day. How does that sound?”

It was then and there that Grant’s look of distress immediately turned to a relieved smile. “That would have been really good to have known this morning!”

I realize that I don’t have all the answers about how to be a dad to a daughter, but having been a teenage girl, I responded to this dad borne out of how I wished my own dad had responded to me when I was her age. I do think it’s easy for dads to unnecessarily pull “the power card” with their maturing daughters when in the long run that stance isn’t always helpful in areas that aren’t about life or death.

Instead, I encourage you dads to work at listening to your daughter’s point of view on these kinds of tricky issues because the truth is that she’ll be out of your house before you know it and then she’ll be making decisions on her own. You may have to meet her halfway and concede sometimes. If you only tell her what you think and rule with a heavy hand (e.g., “No daughter of mine is going out of the house looking like THAT!"), she’ll not learn HOW to think and make good decisions on her own if you always make them for her.

I know you’re trying to protect her and that’s awesome. But truthfully, it’s more about HOW you navigate the situation with her than anything. It’s about your tone of voice and body language that will make or break the conversation (and timing, of course). Come to her with a calm stance and not anger. Approach her the way you’d want your boss or colleague to approach you---with respect. Treat her the way you want to be treated.

That, my friend, is the best way to prepare your daughter for adulthood.

So how about ending with an action step today. Since this blog is about the clothes your daughter wears, what if you were to surprise her by telling her that you want to take her to the store for no particular reason and let her pick out one new item of clothing [Click to Tweet]! I assure you that she’ll always remember that event with you (and that item) for the rest of her life.

Then while you’re at the store with her, she’ll be choosing something that has a memory of you tied to it. And when she wears it out of the house, you can be the first one to smile, wink at her, and say, “You’re wearing THAT today? You, my dear, look beautiful!”

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The Day My Pastor Made Me Cry

With tears streaming down my face I hugged my pastor, giving him the biggest hug I'd ever given him after his Sunday morning sermon.

“Thank you for having the courage to stand up there and say it. Thank you for being a voice of truth today.” I could barely eek out the words, but my grateful heart fueled my meager words.

“You could have preached this message,” he said warmly.

“No,” I asserted, “it needed to come from you. You had to be the one to address this, not me.”

Pastor Randy told our congregation that day that he was going to be preaching on a subject that hadn't been the focus of an entire sermon in our church’s 50-plus-year history: sexual abuse and sexual assault.

He didn’t downplay the severity of impact of sexual violation.
He didn’t blame the victims of sexual crimes.
He didn’t give pat answers to the hard questions that are woven through this intense issue.

Sitting in the pew I had known what was coming because he had informed me a few days earlier. He knew I had a vested interest due to my counseling experience. But truth be told, the significance of this issue isn’t just because I’m a mental health specialist; this is much more personal.

Most often in my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs I seek to bring practical ideas to you as dads that I trust will enhance your relationship with your daughters. Yet today I’m going to be moving in a slightly different direction. I want to share some of my story with you.

There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it: I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

First, I want you to notice that I used the word ‘survivor’ rather than ‘victim.’ Actually, a more accurate way to say it is that I am a ‘thriver’ of sexual abuse. It’s important to me that you know I’ve not just survived sexual trauma, but I have been able to thrive because of it. Yes, you heard me right. I am who I am, where I am, and doing what I’m doing because of what I’ve been through, not in spite of it. I have much more empathy for others because now my deep trench of woundedness that used to dictate the way I live no longer exists, and for me it's been healing to accept truth that roots in my relationship with God.

Now you have a bit of the backstory to provide a context for why it meant so much to have my pastor stand in the pulpit and lend his voice of support, not only to me, but to a large portion of our congregation who shares a similar history. As I’ve perused the literature to find current statistics from national agencies on this topic, I’ve read that on average there are 288,820 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States, which translates to 20 million women, or 18% of our population (not including guys who are also victimized). This means that at least 20 million fathers have daughters who have been molested.

I’ve also read that one out of every four girls and one out of every six boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. Sadly, many of my colleagues and I have found in clinical practice that these numbers appear to be low, especially when we factor in data from the U.S. Department of Justice which states that only 30% of sexual abuse victims report these crimes. Yet regardless of the exact numbers, I can say from personal experience that it’s heartbreaking to live with intense internal distress due to what someone else has done to cause harm and not have those atrocities addressed in church.

Whether or not you’re one who likes church, believes in God or a Higher Power, or reads the Bible, I hope you can appreciate what I’m saying about the powerful impact this had on me when my pastor choose to boldly say from the pulpit,
 

“When I look in 2 Samuel 13 at the rape by Amnon to his half-sister Tamar, one of the hardest parts of this story is the silencing of the victim.” (I agree).

“Not only that, but if the church is silent on this issue then people will believe that God is silent.” (I agree).

     “And this morning we're not going to silence Tamar!”

He went on to say that to stop sexual abuse, we must:

1. Hear the stories of victims in order to GIVE THEM THEIR VOICE BACK.
2. Believe their stories.
3. Look at the power structures that exist.
4. Resist passivity (he spoke primarily to dads here).
5. Protect passionately (again, he was speaking directly to fathers).

Did you notice that these last two items were addressed specifically to dads? Resist passivity and protect passionately. What do these directives mean exactly? Let me share my thoughts.

I’ll begin with a story told by my friend Kendra, one that she has given me permission to share. When she was four or five years old, her dad walked in and found an older boy sexually abusing her. He got angry and they never talked about it again. That left her confused about what his anger meant. Was he angry with her? Was this her fault? Despite her questions and confusion, what she knows now is that this early childhood experience shaped her future relationships with guys and led to confused sexual boundaries, not to say anything about what it did to her relationship with her dad.

Please hear me when I say that when a father chooses to never talk about a sexual violation that his daughter has experienced, it messes her up inside. Big time. I guarantee that she will believe that she did something to cause it and that it’s her fault. And she will not only know that what happened to her was bad; even worse, she’ll believe that she is bad.

Dad, resist taking a passive stance and choose to walk into this conversation, uncomfortable as it may be for you.

You want to ensure that your daughter doesn’t internalize the implied or directly stated destructive messages from the abuse or her abuser. If you never tell her the truth from your vantage point, she will be left to navigate this on her own, which rarely leads to a positive conclusion. Her faulty beliefs based in lies will negatively shape her self-esteem, self-confidence, and her identity for years to come.

Secondly, Dad, protect her passionately. This means taking the time to do whatever it takes to find out what’s really going on inside your daughter in this area of sex and sexuality:

• Look into her eyes and read what they are saying. You will see whether she is hurting or thriving by simply getting close enough to look at her.
• If she is a minor, don’t be afraid to check her phone. Even if she throws a fit, make sure to keep tabs on what is being said and what pictures are being exchanged.
• Don’t stop there. Check her computer from time to time. Look at her history to see what she’s watching and what she’s drawn to on the internet. Talk with her afterwards. Teach her how to think, not just what to think, as your input shapes her choices.
• Meet the guy she is spending time with or dating. Look into his eyes; they’ll tell you a lot about his motives and character. You want him to fear that if he violates your daughter, he’ll be held accountable by you. That’s why you want to meet him early in their friendship/relationship. Don’t believe her when she tells you that there’s nothing going on between them because usually there is if he’s hanging around a lot. Let him know that your daughter is your treasure and you expect him to treat her with honor.
• Spend time regularly talking with her about the little, seemingly unimportant things to set a foundation for when “the biggees” need to be addressed (dating, curfews, friends, boys, spending limits, car usage, house rules, scholastic objectives, future plans, life goals, spirituality, God, convictions, etc.).
• Find out what your daughter loves and create ways to connect with her by doing those things. One dad recently told me that his high school daughter loves coffee. He “speaks her language” by treating her to coffee, which provides a space for spontaneous conversation while they’re both sipping a cup of java.

Remember that “the best defense is a good offense.” Spend time pursuing your daughter’s heart by listening, looking in her eyes, and loving her in tangible ways (which most often involves money, whether it’s taking her out for coffee or a meal, to a movie or the mall).

One more thing: I can assure you that as a woman with a sexual abuse history, it was very hard for me to share my story with my dad. And he really struggled to hear it because he had to face the fact that he wasn’t able to protect me or stop it. I’m telling you this part of my story because it’s important for you to know. I’m guessing you’ll probably feel the same way should you hear something similar from your daughter.

I encourage you to find a time to navigate this topic with your girl and initiate the conversation where you ask if anything has ever happened to her in the area of being sexually violated. Let her know that if she ever has something to tell you in this arena, you are there for her, you won’t get angry with her (that’s key), you will believe her, and that you will support her through the healing process. Telling the story is the first step to healing.

And rest assured that if your daughter cries when opening up this subject, it reveals that she is connecting to her deepest, truest self while feeling real emotion. And by giving her your listening ear, wrapped in compassion, you are making a forever deposit into her heart space.

Remember…tears are good. And because they have salt in them, they really do enhance the healing process.

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If I Could Whisper to Dads

It all started two years ago during an interview on a nationally syndicated radio program that heralds out of Chicago called Chris Fabry Live. I had just written my book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart, when Chris and I had the privilege of talking about it. An incredible host, Chris knows how to talk about dads and daughters in large part due to the fact that he’s a father to NINE children!  

During the interview he said something that caught me by surprise, while simultaneously touching my heart: “Michelle, you should be called ‘The Dad Whisperer.'” I was immediately moved and excited that he affirmed my deep desire to positively support fathers.

Let’s be honest. The fact that I, as a woman, am passionate about fathering isn’t the norm among my female colleagues. And yet my passion grows year after year as my heart aches for women across this nation who make really poor life decisions that can often be traced in large part to a “dad wound” or a “dad void.” In an attempt to address the root of the problem, God has sent me to Mars as an ambassador, I guess you could say.

Ever since Mr. Fabry suggested I be called "The Dad Whisperer,” I have cherished that name. I continue to be overwhelmingly amazed that men write me and call me asking for input about their relationships with their daughters. And I’m thankful they know that I’m their ally and am championing their cause to be a better dad.

A few months ago I was telling a male colleague about my being called "The Dad Whisperer" and he boldly said,

“Michelle, you do understand us men and we can tell that you do. Actually, this is a fitting title for you because you actually are a dad whisperer. In truth, we don’t like being shouted at by a woman and we wouldn’t listen to you if you did!”

So here I am, two years after hearing that title from Chris, and have recently accepted an invitation by a local radio station to host my own program. I probably don’t have to tell you the name we’ve landed on...The Dad Whisperer!

In preparation for my inaugural program that will air at 2:30 p.m. on Mondays in Portland, Oregon on 93.9 KPDQ starting October 17th (for those of you who don’t live in the area and want to listen, I’ll be posting the podcasts on my website at drmichellewatson.com), I was challenged to finish this sentence:  

If I could whisper to dads, I’d want them to know…

• How much they matter. Despite anything that men may have been told by our culture, the media, their family, or even their girls (especially during adolescence when most everything is upside down and backwards), their influence and impact makes all the difference in a daughter (and son) being strong and healthy and vibrant. Daughters (and sons) internalize their dad’s view of them. That’s one big reason why dads matter.

• That they don’t have to be perfect, but they have to be present. In other words, there has to be the investment of quantity time, not just quality time (which runs counter to what we often hear, but the truth is that time is key to deepening relationships). When you’re home, Dad, your family needs time with you (not all your time, but some of your time) where you are available---listening, asking questions, playing games, eating meals, laughing, wrestling, throwing the ball, helping with homework, watching a favorite tv show together, etc.

• Their affirmation goes deep, and sticks. I don’t know what it is about a dad’s words that pack such a punch, but they do. The research confirms this as well. Conversely, words that are contrary also stick. But since my goal here is to come alongside and support you in your desire to do fathering right, I want to remind you of the power of your positive words to motivate, inspire, lead, and breathe life into the core of your kids.

• That apples don’t fall far from trees. What I mean by this is that your kids are a reflection of your positive and negative traits. I imagine that the child in your home who has a special knack for pushing your buttons is probably the one who is most like you. So rather than focusing on what your son or daughter is doing wrong and camping on constant correction, try looking within yourself and make changes there first. Then your little apples will be healthier and sweeter since the tree is standing tall with deep roots.

• That I am their champion. For real. No hidden agenda. I promise! I honestly don't have a desire to control or manipulate you men. But I really, really, really believe that if the hearts of fathers turn towards their children then our whole nation will improve for the better. Girls will stop "looking for love in all the wrong places" (cue music) and boys will stop pursuing physical power as evidence that they are strong enough and will instead believe in who they are apart from performance. Hmmm… I guess that goes for girls too.

So there you have it. I guess I’m officially embracing a new title: The Dad Whisperer.

As I get started, feel free to send me questions you’d like me to address on the air or “hypothetical scenarios” that might have you confused or lost or stuck as a dad to a daughter (how’s that for a good way to say that your stories will always stay confidential). Write me at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com and let’s start the conversation.

I’d be grateful if you could humor me as I finish with the most corny close to any blog I’ve written to date! This is a variation on an old quote I heard years ago that comes to mind as I sign off:

“I’ll see you here, there, or ON (rather than IN) the air!!”

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Guest Blog: Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You

Join me in welcoming guest blogger, Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families, and a leader in promoting healthy families.  

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Jim Jackson and his wife, Lynne’s, ministry purpose is to inspire and equip parents to embody God’s grace and truth in compelling ways. Learn more about their ministry at www.connectedfamilies.org or check out their recent book, Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart.

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To Fight or Not to Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Disagreements

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens up an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received recently from a 20-year-old young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My step-dad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Let me ask you a couple of questions as you ponder her words:

1. Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her step-dad, or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?
2. Do you think her underlying belief may be that her step-dad is to blame while she carries little to no responsibility in how things went down?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her step-dad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.

Here’s why:

• You, dad, have to lead by example.
• Change has to begin with you.
• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her. For example, if she yells at you and you yell back, things will quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). So you cannot justify a harsh response to her when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off-kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of tune. So even when our defensiveness rears its ugly head, underneath it all we want there to be harmony. I’ve discovered that men typically want the same thing.

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are heated. I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa).

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.

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Six Words That Will Make You a Better Dad

IT'S ARCHIVE AUGUST! For the month of August, I will be reposting the most popular blogs from the past year. Happy #daddaughterfriday! See you again in September! (This blog was originally posted on April 16, 2015)

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes? I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked them (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I now had the tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion and overwhelm rise, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “Here, you’re a girl---you handle it.”

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? The answer, he says, is more attachment, not less. 

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her ups and downs?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of the overwhelming odds.

Now we'll fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter, Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright.

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.”

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her. She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.” 

Do you notice:

• How easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted without holding back?
• How he offers himself as the solution to her request?
• How he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” It's not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.

Who would've thought that a father from the 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century can use to unlock their daughter’s heart? Thanks, Caleb, for being a fantastic role model of a dialed-in dad.

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FURTHER THOUGHTS ON "25 THINGS A DAUGHTER NEEDS FROM HER DAD"

It's Archive August! For the month of August, I will be reposting the most popular blogs from the past year. Happy #daddaughterfriday! (This blog was originally posted on March 13, 2015)

It’s been fun to hear from many of you about how much it helped to read real responses from daughters on the 25 things they really need (as opposed to want or perhaps could even live without) from their dads.

As I’ve been pondering the insightful comments from these girls (who literally are between the ages of 9 and 89), I’ve decided to organize them in an even more succinct way (See men, I’ve listened to what you’ve told me, which is to “get to the point already!” You said you want things presented in a concise way with bullet points. So…here goes.)

If you think about it, with this organized list where all 25 things are presented in two columns it should help every dad on the planet strategize with more clarity because each of these things is about doing something. Every one of them requires action.

I’ve only ever met men who say they are wired to fix things when the women in their lives share problems or needs with them. Sitting and “just listening” is typically counterintuitive. Even this week in The Abba Project, the dads were laughing about that very fact as they highlighted that if women don’t want them to fix a problem then maybe they shouldn’t share it with them!

But seriously, I know that we as daughters really do want you dads to know what we need so you can do something. Here’s my best attempt to break it down clearly.

Ten of these requests involve talking and 15 of them require doing.

1. Talking---Communicating

• Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)
• Apologize
• Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)
• Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)
• Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)
• Prayers (This means either talking to God about her or talking to God with her)
• Guidance (This one requires interaction and communicating so I’m including it here)
• Sense of humor
• Teach me about things (This could also go under the “Doing” category but since it requires verbal interacting to teach her things I decided to put it here)
• Tell me you love being my dad

2. Doing---Taking Action

• Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)
• Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)
• Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)
• Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)
• To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)
• Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)
• Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)
• Just listen
• Protection
• Be an adventurer…with me
• Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)
• Believe in me
• Never give up on our family
• Show me how a real man treats a woman
• Support my ideas and dreams (This one could have gone under either category but since this involves both talking and showing up for the things she’s interested in as a way to support her ideas and dreams I decided to put it here)

So, Dad, here's the way you're going to become the hero you want to be and that your daughter needs you to be:  Each day choose one thing from this list and do it.

This gives you enough things to cover an entire month. And with the extra five days you can repeat the ones that get the best response from your daughter.

Below, I’m going to attach a flow chart of these 25 things that you can print out and use to record your progress this next month. It should help you stay on track as you make these things happen.

Meet her needs today and you will get filled up in the process. I promise.

Printable Chart: "My One Month Chart for Meeting my Daughter's Needs"

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