Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

With Halloween being just two days away, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog. So here goes!

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was three or four. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a Bohemian girl. Just picture me as the one with bright red lipstick and a black beauty mark penciled onto my cheek, wearing an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf covered in plastic coins on my head. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. I love these stories because they show his creativity, ingenuity, and resourcefulness, ranging from him being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He cut holes into a box that he got at the grocery store for his arms and legs, with one for his head, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I will admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story. But then I honestly applauded him for his brilliant imagination as he rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• Put his needs before hers on a regular basis

• Teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than"

• Tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell

• Criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way

• Use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence

• Contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn

• Make her never trust God as her Father because she can’t trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news. Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• Tell her daily that he loves her and why he loves her

• Notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her

• Provide for her needs

• Buy a special treat for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value

• Love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• Affirm her positive qualities

• Gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• Listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• Pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• Enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• Have fun doing activities together that strengthen their bond, understanding that every one is another page in her “forever book"

• Build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she will always know and believe that she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “bring on the treats!”