5 Keys for Connecting with Your Daughter Today

Awhile back a friend of mine sent me a video of a dad and his four-year old daughter creating their own musical montage to Taylor Swift's hit song, ‘Shake It Off.’ The title reads: “She Left Her Husband and Daughter Home Alone. What They Did? Prepare to Smile.”

The blurb said that while some dads park their kids in front of the television so they can relax, this dad did the opposite. He brought out props and costumes and created something magical with his little girl that she most likely will never forget. It didn’t cost money but it cost him time and energy. The write-up ended by saying that this dad did all of this “with so much palpable joy that it's impossible not to smile. This little girl is lucky to have such a fun, loving dad.”

Here’s why I believe this video touched so many hearts: Because every woman who saw it most likely shared it with her friends while every one of them wished they had a dad who would drop his guard to have fun and connect with them.

Let me say it another way: Every daughter wants a relationship with her dad like this little girl has with her daddy: connected, fun, interactive, engaging, sweet, and loving.

And lest we think that only women were impacted by this video, I happened to mention it to a dad named Mike and if you can believe it, he’d already seen it! This piqued my curiosity and I asked why he watched it. Here was his immediate response: “I wanted to see their connection because I’m so conscious now of connecting to a daughter’s heart.” [His teenage daughter is his reference point].

There it is. Connection. Daughter. Heart.

Mike went on to say, “Why am I not more proactive than reactive? I want more do-overs with my kids. I want to be present.”

There’s something powerful about a dad being present in the moment and that is the best way to connect with his daughter.

I doubt that this dad planned ahead for the video shoot with his little girl. I’m guessing that he just got creative on that day when mom was out of the house and they were needing something to fill the time. So he got creative!

If you want an action plan to make deeper connections with your daughter, here are five ways to connect with her today:

1. ALLY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S HEART
There is so much in life that is coming against her; be the man who is for her. Being her heart ally means truly listening to her needs and wants, then choosing to engage with her around the things she enjoys. It’s not about meeting her half way; it’s about going the extra mile even if she doesn’t come your way, seeking to look at her life through her eyes.

2. ANGER DROPPED
If you were to walk up and ask me, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about how to be the best dad I can be to my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say: Stop venting your anger at her.

Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.             
Your anger makes her give up.
Your anger makes her believe that she is unloveable, unworthy and not worth loving.
Your anger crushes the core of who she is. Enough said.

3. ASK QUESTIONS
As we all know, there are questions that get to the heart of a person and there are questions used to interrogate and intimidate. To accomplish the former, it invites the question: How do you ask good questions to pace with your daughter while she talks?

Here’s an easy solution to this dilemma.  All you have to do is listen for the key words in what she just shared or the last words that she just used in her last sentence to you.

You: [Start with a general question] “How was your day at school
Her: “Fine.”
You: “What about it was fine?”
Her: “Well, this really hot guy smiled at me in math.”
You: “What about him is hot?”
...and on it goes from there.

This will require a lot of active listening, but that’s a vital part of connecting and I know you’re all about making that happen!

4. ANSWER WITH: “I’M WONDERING”
This tool has been described by dads I’ve coached as “the #1 greatest help in opening up communication with our daughters.”  All you have to do is to add these two little words to the beginning of any question you ask her.

I’ll never forget Andy who used to ask his 17-year old daughter Meghan, “Why aren’t you going to school today?”  Every time it ended the same where her emotional wall went up and she barked back at him. Figuring he had nothing to lose, Andy tried it and instead asked her, ‘I’m wondering…why aren’t you going to school today?” Miraculously she started talking! Andy’s confidence and competence increased simultaneously as he reported, “I couldn’t believe it worked!”

5. AFFIRM, Affirm, Affirm
I heard a #GirlDad recently say, “I never thought what I said mattered that much.” I’m here to tell you that YOU are a KEY to your daughter’s well-being and confidence. Stated otherwise, one positive affirmation from you could offset her horrible, no good, very bad day.

The overriding themes in research strongly support that when a daughter feels connected to her father, she will do better in school, achieve higher grades, experience less depression, display greater self-esteem, report lower rates of suicide, and on it goes.

Basically, I’m here to implore you to be the life-breathing voice in her head. Your voice will ring in her mind long after you speak. You can never affirm and encourage her enough…or too much.

To be a connected dad, it’s going to take work. But like any worthwhile project, the harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward.

Just remember: The most important part in your fathering role is turning your heart (not just your head) toward your daughter…

Because, after all, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present.