Your Pen-to-Paper Valentine's Day Challenge (This will be your daughter’s favorite Valentine’s Day gift EVER!)

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. And in a world where handwritten communication is less common and most often casual (texts, emails, social media, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out. That’s why I’m challenging you to put your pen to paper this year to give your daughter a Valentine’s Day gift she’ll love.

I’ll never forget when dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her, but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The power of putting your thoughts, feelings, dreams, truth, and love for your daughter into written form is that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her now and for years to come.

How do I know this? Because I, and many other girls, have saved our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card and includes pictures from that year to highlight things he’s noticed and remembered. I’ve saved every one!

And even if you’re not artistic or creative, just the fact that you’ve noticed things about your daughter and then bring to light the unique things about her, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, it provides a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or a tentative newbie, I’d love to give you a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper Valentines challenge.

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life.

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become.

On your mark, get set, write!

What Difference Does it Make When a Dad Drops His Anger? (A real life story with Ron Hauenstein)

Today I want to introduce you a very good friend of mine, Ron Hauenstein.

Ron is the real deal. He’s a warm-hearted, down-to-earth, generous man who lives to see others thrive and heal. He goes the extra mile to support those around him and has no desire to be in the spotlight. (Yet here I am today highlighting him!)

Recently Ron and I were talking about my viral video on the topic of men dropping their anger, which prompted a conversation that I want to share with you today (with his permission, of course!).

First, let me tell you more about Ron.

Ron founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) in Washington State in 2017 with a goal to restore the value of fatherhood. After spending years volunteering at a shelter for homeless women and children, Ron continued to see the negative impact of fatherlessness, which compelled him to launch SpoFI and develop a curriculum called “24-7 Dad.”

Many men who have found their way to his organization have been released from prison and are learning profound life skills, which has reduced recidivism rates in their state. I’m happy to report that SpoFI has issued more than 550 certificates of completion while seeing a remarkable graduation rate of 92 percent!

The reality is that Ron is in the trenches with real dads who are doing the hard work of restoring that which they have broken in their homes while also experiencing inner healing for their own brokenness.

With that backdrop, here’s what Ron wrote to me:

Michelle,

I’ve been following this development on your viral video since it occurred, which leads me to share something I’ve discovered.

When we ask dads to name the most significant change they experience as a result of our classes, the large majority say, “I’m more patient with my kids.”

One dad was in court and was challenged by his ex-wife when she said, “So you took a fatherhood class, big deal.”

His reply: “Do you know what our 4-year-old daughter says to me now? She says, ‘Daddy, you don’t get mad like you used to. You don’t yell at us anymore.’ He continued, “I made that decision to stop yelling at my kids at the end of the second class.”

So after just four hours of SpoFI classes he made an internal choice, a major change in his beliefs, about how to parent.

There’s something about the atmosphere God creates in our classrooms that allow men:

• time for introspection

• a chance to listen to other fathers

• the ability to reflect on their behavior

• space to ponder what they learned from their own father

In our “24-7 Dad” PM (advanced) fatherhood class, I facilitate a 2-hour session on anger. I pass out crayons and paper and ask the men to draw a picture of what their father looked like to them when they were a child and dad was angry.

Here are some samples:

After some rich discussion, I give the men another assignment: “Now, draw me a picture of what your children see when you are angry.” Many of the men confess that the same picture suffices.

I’m working my way through a book titled Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. His challenge: Are you willing to give up the right to be angry? Ummmmm…deep stuff. Goes along with another lesson I teach: You Don’t Have to Be Wrong to Repent.

Wow! Now you can understand why I dearly love and respect Ron’s heart for fathers. He helps them reveal and process the nuances of their relationships with their own fathers that impacts them more than they’ve probably ever realized.

So how about you? Would you be willing to follow Ron’s lead and draw two pictures to represent your story?

• What did your father look like to you when you were a child and your dad was angry?

• What do your children see when you’re angry?

Next, here’s a plan for processing and healing after you’ve drawn these pictures:

1. Set the two pictures side by side. Look at them closely without judgment. Just notice.

2. Feel what you need to feel. Give yourself the gift of releasing sadness and tears. (Tears have salt in them and salt brings healing to wounded areas. Trust me when I say: Real men cry. Jesus did and you can follow His lead).

3. Ask God, your Heavenly Father, to come near to the “little boy you” who lives inside and often takes the lead. Allow your Heavenly Father to give His unconditional comfort and love, which often is different than what you experienced from your earthly father.

4. Notice where you feel that comfort in your body and hold it there as long as you can.

5. Then imagine your adult self joining in to connect with your younger self while your Heavenly Father affirms and validates who you are. Allow your adult self to also affirm your younger self, even if it seems pointless or silly. (This cord of three strands is strong and powerful).

Well done.

Now take a breath as you express gratitude for where you are, who you are, and for the amazing children God has given you to love and lead.

I know this isn’t easy to do, but it’s necessary to look deeper if you want to begin (or continue) healing. This is a way you can drop your anger and be the dad you want to be.

Let me also add that if you want to keep doing more work like this, you can always reach out to me for a coaching session. I’d be honored to walk with you through more processing to greater healing.

So what difference does it make when a dad drops his anger?

It makes ALL the difference and makes home happier because love takes the lead.

P.S. If you want to connect with Ron Hauenstein, here’s his contact information:  

Spokane Fatherhood Initiative
Phone: 509-315-8850
www.spofi.org
www.spokane127.org

10 PROACTIVE Ways to Intentionally Start 2024 as a Dialed-in GirlDad

I wish there were some kind of reward system in our country for fathers who step up to the plate and hit it out of the ballpark as a dad. There needs to be some sort of celebration for those of you who intentionally dial in to the heart space of your daughters, don’t you think?

In the meantime I’ll continue celebrating dads who are doing it right! (You’ll notice I didn’t use the word “perfect” since no such thing exists).

Of course you know by now that I'm highly attuned to watching relationships between dad and daughters. Even when I’m not trying to notice, I notice. It seems that no matter where I am, my eyes and ears are conditioned to observe the way dads interact with their daughters (and sons), as well as the way they respond back. I truly believe that their interactions in public say a lot about what goes on in private, at home.

As we begin 2024, I want to celebrate one particular dad I’ve observed from a distance who is dialed-in to his daughters. Whether or not he’s someone you’ve ever watched (or liked) on television, the thing I admire most about Chip Gaines is that he’s not just invested in fixing up houses and properties. He’s clearly focused on building into the lives of his five children, two of them being daughters.

That said, here are 10 proactive ways I’ve noticed Chip Gaines investing in his daughter’s lives as a #GirlDad, which equates to 10 proactive strategies you can choose from to start this new year with intention: That said, here are 10 proactive ways I’ve noticed Chip Gaines investing in his daughter’s lives as a #GirlDad, which equates to 10 proactive strategies you can choose from to start this new year with intention:

1. Dad really LIKES and ENJOYS his daughters.
Chip clearly loves talking, laughing, and playing with his girls. It’s obvious they feel his positivity and delight in being their dad.

2. His girls feel comfortable BEING THEMSELVES around him.
Chip’s daughters appear to be fully engaged in life when their dad is there. They’re silly and talkative, they jump and run, twirl and dance, explore and take risks, and ask questions and follow directions. I guess you could say they get to be kids who have fun being kids without fear of their dad forcing them to grow up before their time.

3. Dad SETS LIMITS for his daughters. 
At various times Chip instructs them to do or not do things by saying “yes” and “no” to their requests. He provides boundaries by guiding them in various activities.

4. Dad leads by MODELING RESPECT. 
Of course we all know there are edits to the final version of each episode, yet a consistent theme I’ve noticed is that Chip’s daughters treat each other in like kind to the way their dad treats those around him, especially their mom. Additionally, the way he relates to and honors them as his daughters parallels the way they relate to and honor each other. Once again, more is caught than taught.

5. Dad LISTENS WELL to his daughters.
Chip often looks into their eyes when he talks to his girls. He responds to their questions with answers in age appropriate ways that are wrapped in kindness. Bottom line: What matters to them matters to him.

6. Dad gives them opportunities to ENTER INTO HIS WORLD.
Whether he invites them to be with him at a job site, go on an errand with him, or times he joins them in one of their projects, Chip lets his daughters get up close and personal to see what his life is about. This dad invites his girls to take part in that which is important to him, in work and play.

7. Dad DOESN’T SPEAK HARSHLY to them.
Again, I realize that editing is potentially king here, but it’s evident these girls are relaxed and calm in their dad’s presence. They appear to have no fear that he may yell or react, even if they make a mistake. They aren’t shamed or criticized, but are redirected and corrected when necessary. As a result, their naïve and vulnerable childlikeness is refreshingly evident as they spontaneously interface with life as it unfolds under their dad’s guidance and care.

8. Dad invites them to GROW IN BEING RESPONSIBLE, one event at a time.
Because children learn life lessons by doing things and actively participating, Chip demonstrates what this look like in action by going the extra mile with his girls. Whether buying chickens as a practical way to teach them how to tend to life on a farm or selling eggs of said chickens, these girls are on the path to entrepreneurship, all because their dad’s intentional fathering style engages them first hand in the areas he believes will benefit them as they mature.

9. Dad LOVES THEIR MOM.
The authentic love Chip has for his wife is literally transmitted through the airwaves from Waco, Texas to every viewer’s home. I don’t know how that can happen but it does. When a dad loves his children’s mother, it gives them a sense of security and safety that frees them up to thrive and be themselves without worry that life as they know it may crumble or falter. This is a powerful gift from a dad to his kids. (Even if a marriage has already ended, a dad can still choose to never speak negatively about his daughter’s mom, which allows her not to choose sides nor thwart healthy development).

10. These daughters follow Dad’s lead in HONORING HIS FAITH TRADITIONS.
From inviting his children to dedicate their home to God by kneeling on the dirt road of their home or praying before a meal, it’s clear that these little apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. The gratitude Dad has for the life God has given them is emulated by his daughters who respect their dad enough to readily follow his example. (If your spiritual life is less than solid, I encourage you to make a commitment to strengthen this area of your life in this year).

So there you have it---a road map for 2024 if you’d like to follow the lead of a dialed-in Dad who models to us what healthy fathering of daughters looks like in action.

Thank you Chip Gaines for taking your show about remodeling houses and actually using it to teach us what it looks to remodel a home---from the inside---to become one that has love and respect, boundaries and fun.

And thank you for revealing that it takes a lot more than brick and mortar, shiplap and paint to make a house a home. For when a dad truly loves and leads his family, everyone wins.

7 Things GirlDads “Hate” About Their Daughters…and What To Do About It!

With the holiday season officially underway, we know that pressures mount during this time of year like none other. It’s the excessive demands and numerous agendas and expectations, needs and schedules that push all of us past our normal capacity.

This is the perfect set up for what I call, “relational collisions.”

And yes, as a dad you have weight on your shoulders that your daughter knows nothing about (end-of-year deadlines, extra expenses, challenging family dynamics, etc.). Yet the truth is that your daughter has her own set of circumstances that overwhelm her and push her past her limits too.

So if you want to grow closer to your daughter this holiday season, here’s your survival guide!

I’ll start by validating you as a dad and sharing what most of you typically "hate" from your daughter, followed with practical suggestions about how to proactively and positively respond so that your relationship is strengthened, not hindered, over this next month.

Here are 7 things that tend to overwhelm most GirlDads coupled with strategies for what you can do about it:

1. DRAMA--- You may prefer for your daughter to respond in a calm manner while clearly expressing her feelings and needs. And then You remember back to when she was younger and you could tell her that her tone wouldn’t be tolerated. But the older she’s gotten, the less control you have over her when she uses “that tone of voice.”

Proactive Dad Strategy: You give your daughter a profound gift when she experiences being emotionally “held’ by you without criticism or condensation. This is how she will bond to you when she feels how much you care and love her, especially during a meltdown. This is what “fixing it” looks like to your daughter because when you’re her sounding board and safe place, you help decrease her stress by being in it with her.

2. DIALOGING TOO MUCH (a.k.a. over-talking)--- You may prefer that your daughter “get to the point already” and for her to say what she means more quickly. You’ve discovered that she’s just getting warmed up when you're past your listening limit. One expert says that women speak 20,000 words a day while men speak 7,000. Enough said. You’ve lived it!

Proactive Dad Strategy: When you listen twice as much as you talk while asking more questions than giving answers, you support your daughter in finding her own voice. This is how she learns to problem-solve because she figures things out by talking. If you listen with the belief that she is smart and wise, you’ll be less apt to give answers and will invest more time in asking questions where she learns to figure things out as you cheer her on.

3. DISRESPECT--- This is a BIG one for dads, especially when you step in to defend mom (or her siblings) when your daughter isn’t respecting her (or them). And that’s when things escalate quickly. The truth is that you’re simply trying to de-escalate the situation for everyone, yet you suddenly become “the bad guy.” Then you feel attacked, unsupported, underappreciated, and alone.

Proactive Dad Strategy: If you weren’t there for the whole interaction, and your daughter accuses you of taking everyone else’s side but hers, it's important to take time to listen as she explains. I know this is easier said than done, but the book of Proverbs really does have a good solution here: A soft answer turns away anger. That’s your solution to win the war. Lead by example and soften your tone. Don’t use anger to deal with her anger. Show her what respect looks like in action even when her intensity pushes every button inside you. Give yourself a time out to collect your thoughts while remembering that there’s always a solution and this doesn’t need to be the mountain you die on. You’ll always benefit from coming back later when the air clears with less chance of saying something you’ll regret.

4. DISMISSAL--- When you experience your daughter disregarding, diminishing or dismissing you (or your input), this is a huge trigger for dads. It’s because you want to feel valued and important. You long for your relationship to be like it was when she was younger. You’re trying to figure out why she doesn’t seem to value your input or time with you like she did when she was younger. Now she doesn’t want as much time with you and you watch her make time for other relationships than you.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Ask yourself if you have you dismissed her or caused her to feel devalued or unimportant. If so, make amends. Then realize that some of this might be her stage of development where she’s wanting to “separate and individuate” as a pre-teen or teenager who is responding in ways that are within normal limits. It may help to type these words into your search engine: “what is typical pre-adolescent and adolescent stages of development?” to better understand what’s going on in her brain and body. Or there could be dynamics in her personal relationships that make it hard to open up with you because she’s needing more emotional responsiveness and tenderness. If so, commit to being the dad she’ll want to talk to and the one whose shoulder she can cry on, even if it’s not happening in the ways you’d like it to right now.

5. DISAGREEMENTS--- There’s nothing harder than seeing your relationship disintegrate as conflict intensifies between you, and your daughter rises up to challenge or attack you. That's when it’s very difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to stand upright and steady when the blasts come. Sometimes it may even seem like she’s forgetting or walking away from the way you raised her.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Instead of interpreting her responses as personal rejection, seek to understand her position more than your own. Take time to explore what she’s saying and feeling. Ask more questions than ever before as you hold to the truth that disagreements are not necessarily negative, but can be a place where growth happens while your daughter is learning to think for herself. The beliefs and opinions she has today may not be where she lands tomorrow, or the next day, month or year. Give her room to change her mind. And be honest in letting her know that you’re struggling to figure this out with her but want to grow in being the dad she needs who doesn’t dominate or belittle her in this process of becoming a woman who uses her voice out in the world like she’s learned to do at home.

6. DISTRESS--- When your daughter is suffering or in pain, you want to do everything in your power to fix things and help her feel better. Sometimes she welcomes your support, and at other times she rejects it. As a result, you feel helpless, which then increases your own distress levels because there’s not a solution or remedy. Then you feel what she’s feeling (even if you don’t admit it) and see that she’s still hurting.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Remind yourself that your daughter will grow stronger by overcoming obstacles, navigating conflicts (especially relational ones), and learning to self-regulate in emotionally difficult times. As she processes and problem solves, she’ll internalize the belief that she can do hard things. She’ll discover that she’s more resilient than she knew she was at the onset of the problem. Keep affirming that she’s like a caterpillar who’s turning into a butterfly and her wings will get stronger as she learns to push her way out of the confined, dark space (cocoon). Once she’s airborne, she’ll forget how hard the struggle was and see the value in it while she soars to higher heights. You can give her this perspective while remembering that you truly are making it better by listening and showing empathy.

7. DISTANCE--- I talk to a lot of dads about how much their hearts hurt due to distance from their daughters. Sometimes the distance is tied to divorce where she feels loyal to her mom and is caught in the crossfire. Other times she’s making poor choices and doesn’t want you to be disappointed in her. Regardless, there’s no upside to distance.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Don’t lose heart during the seasons where your daughter is radio silent. I know it’s excruciating to wait when you long to be close to her again. I suggest two things: 

1. Write a list of prayers for her during this time.

2. Write in a journal that you’ll give her when the door is open again where you share thoughts, dreams, memories, prayers, wishes and affirmations.

There you have it, Dad: 7 practical strategies for proactively navigating this Christmas season so you can end the year in a powerfully positive way with your daughter. Go Dad!

My Three Insider Venusian Trade Secrets for #GirlDads

For some of you younger dads, today’s title is a reference point from the last century!

By “Venusian,” I’m referring to Dr. John Gray’s concept in his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I consider myself bilingual after 13 years of traveling from my planet of Venus to your planet of Mars, and today I’m here to help you decode your daughter with a bit more precision.

Here are my three “Venusian trade secrets” so you can better understand your daughter:

1. When she opens her mouth, her heart opens.
We women don’t even have to think about it; it just happens. But it doesn’t stop there. When a daughter’s heart opens, her dad’s heart automatically opens. You, dads, don’t even have to think about it; it just happens.

This full-circle, interactive dynamic means that if you capitalize on engaging your daughter in conversations, not only will she open up to you more, but your bond will be stronger.

2. She figures things out by talking.
The key word in this sentence is ‘out.’ Because we as women have so much swirling around in our brains 24/7, sometimes it feels like we’re on a hamster wheel in our heads where we’re running fast but not getting anywhere (a.k.a. this is called looping). When we talk things out and get them out by verbalizing what’s going on inside, it helps “open the cage” so we get off the wheel.

When you’re a safe sounding board, allowing your daughter to process verbally and emotionally without rushing her or requiring that she make sense to you, you give her a gift in holding her intensity without trying to problem solve. By providing her this outlet, she will de-escalate, begin to calm down, and feel better.

3. She wants a closer relationship with you.
In my 44 years of mentoring women and 27 years of clinical counseling, no girl or woman has ever said to me, “Dr. Michelle, I’m way too bonded to my dad and we’re just too close.” Instead, as their tears flow, I’ve often heard stories of heartbreak over feeling distant from or hurt by their dads.

This tells me that women want a better relationship with their fathers. And it’s up to you, Dad, to lead the way in letting her know you want that too.

This also tells me there’s a dire need for fathers to have a clear road map for journeying to the epicenter of their daughters’ hearts, coupled with learning how to engage them and lead conversations so their daughters can find and use their voices.

If you want to take action today to be a proactive dad who helps your daughter thrive, here are two places to start:

Action Steps:
1. Ask your daughter what you can do to be a better dad to her.
Text, call, or ask her in person. Do it today. Let her know she can say anything and you’ll do your best to meet her at the point of her need.

2. Buy a copy of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and use it for your monthly dad-daughter date where she chooses the topic and you ask the questions.
I wrote this book based on feedback from dads like you who asked for scripts to help them succeed in interacting with their girls. This book will become your playbook as you lead conversations with intention and purpose.

Whether you’re in a solid place with your daughter or want to be closer, you’ll find it helpful in strategically pursuing her heart.

Go Dads!

FOUR WORDS to Lead Your Daughter FORWARD

There’s nothing better than starting the new year with:

• new goals

• new energy

• new vision

• new passion 

• new clarity

• new dreams

But let’s be honest. For most of us, by the end of January we’ve already forgotten the goals we set early on or we’re discouraged because we’re not on track in the way we’d imagined. That double bind can then lead to shame and guilt, resulting in a feeling of defeat where we conclude that it’s easier not to set goals or cast a vision for the upcoming year.

Then the whole thing shuts us down.

So….how would you like an action-oriented plan to reboot your resolve?

As a way for you and your daughter to be strategic right out of the gate here at the start of this new year if you’re dealing with:

• fatigue

• fear 

• false starts

• fogginess

• failure

• fatalism

I have a creative idea to move things FORWARD should you be ready to step up and step in to 2023 with a FOUR WORD mindset.

This FUN grid is one page that you can print out and use to open up a great conversation with your daughter as each of you choose four areas you want to focus on this year.

And no, I didn’t write this, but I found it online. And many of my counseling clients this week have told me they LOVE it! If your daughter is anything like the courageous women I counsel, I assure you they’ll also find it fascinating and eye-opening.

Here’s your assignment this week: 

After printing off this handout, join your daughter in circling the first four words you see on the page and it will:

• strengthen your bond

• guide your focus this year

• give you a creative way to brainstorm together about your values

• open up a clever and potentially powerful conversation using the prompt words on the page

And just so you know I’m in this with you, I’ll start by sharing the first four words I just circled:

1. connection

2. creation

3. strength

4. love

Now it’s your turn. Feel free to write me and tell me the words you and your daughter circle because I’d love to hear how it goes!

Happy New Year and let’s all commit to making 2023 the best it can be by leaning intentionally into those relationships we value most.

Click here for the pdf attachment of the “The First 4 Words Will Sum Up Your 2023." 

How the Quinceañera Teaches Fathers to Celebrate Their Daughters

In celebration of my upcoming Spanish translation of Let's Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, I’m sharing with you a heartwarming story I read awhile back that was tucked on the back page of a small-town newspaper. It was about a traditional Latino celebration as told through the eyes of a father. It was only after reading the article that I realized it was actually written by his daughter! This indicates to me that she got to feel and hear what her big event was like for him…at a heart level.

Clearly this dad’s love for his daughter is evident as he shares his perspective on the biggest day in his 15-year old daughter’s life, her Quinceañera, as it officially marked her leaving childhood behind while publicly embracing womanhood.

Though I’ve never attended a Quinceañera, this story makes me wish I had. I’m truly in awe of the precision to detail, preparation, planning, and investment of time and money that went into one single day for a teenage girl. What a forever gift she was given by her family! And similar to that of a wedding day, the focus is centered on a single “flower” who blossoms in front of all who come to celebrate only her. Even in the written story I could feel the incredible love that was poured over her, especially from her father, as four main events represented her transition from little girl to grown woman:

1. The changing of her shoes from flats to heels

2. Her dance with her last doll

3. Her crowning with a tiara

4. The dance with her father (which is said to be the most important part of the entire event)

Photography by Martin Muriel Fotografo, 2019. Full gallery available here.

It was so touching to see a picture of the dad kneeling at the feet of his daughter, removing her flat shoes while slipping onto her feet a pair of heels, as if she was a princess at the ball. In response to this interaction dad says,

“Seeing her walk in heels was probably what made it all real for me. She hadn’t worn heels because she wasn’t supposed to, so seeing her stumble around and try to find her balance was just reminding me that she was going to struggle on her road ahead and she was going to have to make herself stable again on her own.”

And there was dad, nearby, waiting in the wings, ready to catch her if she did indeed fall.

Dad continued by explaining how emotional it was for him to see his daughter laughing and smiling while dancing in her sparkling dress holding her favorite doll. He found himself reminiscing about how it seemed like only yesterday that she was playing with Barbies. It had gone by so fast and now here she was all grown up. Yet as her dad, he was filled with joy as he proudly showed her off to everyone.

Reading this story made me wonder what it would be like if every branch of society took a cue from cultures where dads actively celebrate and mark their daughter’s maturation in some kind of significant way.

And what if dads everywhere found a way to let their maturing daughters know they are dialed in, present, and on board as she transitions into and embraces womanhood?

I wonder what would happen if every girl, like the one in this article, knew that she had a day marked out for her where her dad treated her like the belle of the ball in a significant and celebratory way to confirm that she has profound value in his eyes. She would have that day and that event to look forward to long before it took place.

And if a big shindig isn’t your daughter’s style, maybe…

• You could take her on a dad-daughter hike to a beautiful place in your state initiating a new annual tradition that celebrates her love of adventure and nature

• She would enjoy a dinner party hosted at a restaurant with a few family and/or friends where you could surprise her by writing and reading a letter about what gifts you see in her that make you proud of her

• You could have a fancy dinner at home where you read her a handwritten letter while the rest of the family listens, ending with a dance in the living room to a pre-selected song

• She would like a piece of special jewelry that will remind her every time she wears it that she’s your girl and you love her to pieces

• She loves risk-taking that activates her adrenaline while proving to herself that she’s brave, like bungee jumping, scuba diving, climbing a rock wall, or running a half marathon and you can celebrate together in that way

These are just a few ideas to hopefully spur your creativity and motivate you to plan ahead by creating an event to let your daughter know that you are excited to see your little girl grow up. Share your ideas with her and together decide what would have the most meaning to her. And if she’s already grown, you can do still do this in retrospect; she’ll still love the fact that you’re celebrating her now.

Dad, let’s start with practical steps. Connect with your daughter today---through your written, texted, or spoken words---and let her know that you celebrate the girl and woman she is. She’ll shine inside and out as you honor her today!

And just for fun, here's a video of an adorable dad-daughter Quinceañera dance where the two made this moment completely their own:

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.

To Fight or Not To Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Conflicts

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received not long ago from a young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My stepdad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Dad, as you consider what she wrote, let me ask you a question:

Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her stepdad or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her stepdad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.
Here’s why:

• You, Dad, have to lead by example

• Change has to begin with you

• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her.

Let me be more specific. If your daughter yells at you and you yell back, you’ve just given her permission to speak similarly and you’re essentially condoning this kind of interpersonal dynamic in your family. And that is where things quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). Therefore, you can’t justify a harsh reaction when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

You have to dig deep and pray a lot in order to model to her the response you want to see from her.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of sync. And guess what else I’ve discovered? You men want the same thing!

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are angry. I encourage you to walk away in the heat of the moment and give yourself a break that is as long as your age. If you are 40, then take a 40-minute time out to breathe and calm down.

I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa)

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.

Dad-Daughter Selfies

After the intensity of the last two-plus years with the pandemic--and after the recent school shooting in Texas--we’re all feeling the heaviness. And we’re all in dire need of more points of connection with those we love.

Translation: Your daughter is in desperate need of more positive interactions with you (probably more than she knows).

And just in case you missed me writing about this silly tradition that my dad and I started back in 2010, I want to share it again in the hope that you do something similar with your daughter this week to activate laughter and joy while decreasing her stress (and yours).

It all started when my dad and I began grocery shopping together on Monday nights. At first it was a one-time thing, but somehow became a weekly tradition.

Slow but sure, we began to notice that the often-dreaded job of walking through food aisles with lists in hand became much more fun when we joined forces. I guess you could say that we found a new way to bond as dad and daughter while journeying the long corridors of jars and cans, boxes and bags.

Then somewhere along the way we began taking goofy pictures with things we’d find around the store. First there were silly hats we forced each other to wear at Christmastime…

Followed by seasonal items here or there…

…Until finally it became a weekly challenge to find random items to stick on our heads for a crazy photo op. (I’m not quite sure how headwear became “the thing,” but it did!)

Now I’ll let you in on the real scoop: I was usually the one who talked my dad into doing these inane poses. Often he was past the point of embarrassment, trying to get the pictures done fast and in the least conspicuous way as possible. But he really was always a great sport, entering in fully, and in the end we were always laughing.

And life is too short not to laugh a bit more, don’t you think?!

As you can see, whether we were donning hats or pails, fruit or ribbon, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that we were creating a forever memory. And what I love is that none of this cost anything, except a little time and creativity. In fact, this tradition is one that I treasure deep in my heart and every once in awhile, we still activate our dad-daughter selfie tradition.

And now that I’m married, I’m so thankful that I have these years of crazy pictures and fun memories with my dad.

The bottom line is that my dad joined in because he loves me. He put up with my silliness because he enjoys having fun with me.

Your daughter needs this kind of fun, silly, bonding time with you, Dad.

You can probably see where I’m going with this. I finally asked myself: What if this dad-daughter selfie thing became a contagious nationwide phenomenon where dads (or any “version” of a dad, be it a mentor dad, foster dad, step dad, etc.) and daughters across America started taking pictures in grocery stores with whatever items they could find and then shared them?

So I’m inviting you to join me and my dad in this crazy, silly, fun, funny venture.

If you post on Facebook, be sure to tag me at https://www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson ---or on Instagram @michellejwatson ----or on Twitter @mwatsonphd.

Use the hashtag #daddaughterselfie and … let the photos begin!