10 Things Your Daughter Needs From You This Valentine's Day
Michelle Watson
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I feel compelled once again to talk about all things women and romance!
I know this isn’t typically a topic that draws your attention, Dad, but for the sake of your daughter, you’ll be wiser for staying with me on this. I promise!
A couple of days ago I read an article titled, 'The Bachelor' Is A Failed Experiment, So Why Does America Still Watch? by Ruth E. Samuel. What a great question. I've actually wondered the same thing.
The reason I’m addressing this today is to highlight keys to understanding your daughter’s inner longings. The more you dial in to what’s going on inside her at a heart level, the less she’ll turn to learning about love and relationships from unhealthy sources [like this TV show!]
Summary of the above-mentioned article:
‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ is “an experiment in love and matchmaking in the modern era…and a highly manufactured depiction of romance” that isn’t about finding love since less than ten couples are still together after 26 seasons in 20 years
There were 3.8 million viewers last season, with the largest demographic being women between the ages of 18 and 49
The goal of every contestant is to get the lead’s attention at any cost, even giving expensive gifts or expressing grand gestures, which is usually a one-way street
35-year veteran psychologist William J. Ryan notes that “watching the show is a social-bonding event like watching the Super Bowl…and audiences can’t ignore how the series offers ‘vicarious pleasure’ that ‘feeds our own imagination about romance’”
Ryan also notes that the show thrives on contestants trauma-bonding and trauma-dumping as a means to evoke vulnerability, which is actually an attempt to develop pseudo-intimacy
Podcaster Chad Kultgen says the series “isn‘t showing how to establish a good foundation for long-lasting, healthy relationships, but, as with any form of entertainment, it’s a mirror of the good, bad and ugly of our society, a thermometer of the culture, because what drives today’s culture is the fame machine”
Notice the words I highlighted in bold.
Read them again.
As a dad, do any of these themes concern you as you think of the way your daughter is being influenced by these methods, messages, models, and mess-ups?
When you think of the ways this show is shaping her view of romance, love, dating, relationships, imagination, and intimacy (or lack of it) that requires doing whatever it takes to win a man, do you have anything rise within you that wants to protect her heart? Or at the very least, does it motivate you to want to have a conversation with her about what she’s learning from what she’s seeing? (even if she tells you it’s a harmless form of entertainment).
My response to the above-mentioned article:
Women often thrive on living vicariously through the relationships of others (whether on the small or large screen, as well as with their friends) rather than experiencing their own relationships lived out in real time
Whether women know it or not, ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ inform, educate, condition and reinforce unhealthy relational dynamics that shape their perspectives of romantic interactions based in unrealistic expectations and norms
If women spend time exposing themselves to content that normalizes interpersonal drama, emotional chaos and relational disrespect while highlighting this as a typical part of romantic relationships, this mindset seeps into their consciousness as an acceptable aspect of dating and marriage
When there is a lack of real-life, healthy modeling about what it means to be in a vibrant, respectful, honoring, and mutually-edifying relationship, women are apt to be drawn to anything) that engages their heart desire for romance, even if it’s unreal, unhealthy, harmful and dishonoring.
All this to say, if millions of women are watching these shows on television and have been doing so for over two decades, it’s highly likely that your daughter is in this demographic now…or she will be.
More importantly, if she’s like many of the women I’ve counseled and mentored over the last two-plus decades since this television show debuted, she will allow herself to be treated poorly in dating relationships because these relational dynamics are subtly influencing cultural norms.
Here’s where you come in: Rather than your daughter learning about romantic relationships this way----where she watches women throw themselves at a guy they barely know just to win his affection, even if it means clawing their way to the front in order to be seen and chosen, often disrespecting themselves with how they behave or treat those around them, etc.---what if you, her father, came alongside her this Valentines Day to let her experience what it feels like to be the heroine in her own story!
Here’s your 10-step plan of action:
Choose to spend time with her
Tell her you see her as beautiful
Show her what chivalry looks like
Hug her
Buy her flowers
Treat her to dinner
Listen well
Ask questions to show you care
Give (or send) her a Valentine’s Day card
Share what you adore and admire about her
Your daughter will feel like the most cherished girl or woman on the planet as you, her Dad, shower her with love, kindness and validation in an extra special way this week because you’re the real man whose heart is always turned towards hers.
This is the best Valentine’s Day present you can ever give her!