20 Do's and Don'ts for Dads to Succeed In Having "The Sex Talk" with Their Daughter [Part 2]

Welcome back to the second half of this blog series on a topic that is important to address yet can easily scare some dads away. You’re here because you’re open to figuring out the best way to have ‘the sex talk’ with your daughter.

And if you’re tuning in for this second installment, I applaud you and affirm that you’re already rare among men for courageously being willing to speak into your daughter’s life. Whoo hoo!

Let me briefly review part one:

• If you don’t talk about sex with your daughter then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence.

• You don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation with her about sex.

• Girls/women delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, which underscores why this vital conversation will bond the two of you. 

These were the first ten skills I presented from my list of 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. 

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. 

8. Do practice what you preach.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. 

10. Do lead with vulnerability.

Now here are the next ten skills I recommend that will lead you in successfully discussing sex with your daughter:

11. Don’t smash the Oreo. Oreos serve as a metaphor of a powerful way to communicate. Just like they have two cookies holding the “stuff” in the middle, Oreo Cookie Communication begins and ends with positives while filling the middle of the conversation with the harder “stuff.” When you share why you love her and are proud of her, it surrounds the harder part of the interaction, making the whole thing easier to swallow.

12. Do ask questions that invite her to think through her sexual choices and boundaries. We as women figure things out by talking. So the more we hear ourselves speak out the things we hold inside our minds and hearts (that oftentimes we don’t know we’re holding), the clearer we are. As you ask strategic questions, you give your daughter a gift in providing a way for her to clarify her position on this subject.

13. Don’t force her to embrace your beliefs. She will continue to form her own opinions on sex with or without you. If you share your concerns and hopes for her, coupled with respect for her thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, she will be more open to hear the things you share.

14. Do let her see your softer emotions. It’s easy to have the emotion of anger take center stage while “softer” emotions, like fear or sadness, are then forced to step back or hide. Innumerable daughters have told me they hate disappointing their dads, which leads me to say that when you’re vulnerable and let your daughter hear you speak from your heart, you’ll bond more and see greater relational gains. As you share what you’re afraid of for her or what brings up sadness in you, she’ll most likely connect with those same emotions in herself. 

15. Don’t react negatively when she opens up with you. This may be a hard one as you think about experiencing a strong reaction to what she tells you. If you immediately react with negativity by what you say, ask or emote, it will shut her down. This is why you must choose to stay steady throughout the conversation. Lean into God as a Father who holds you up, and ask Him for the grace to express all the fruits of the Spirit as you listen---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

16. Do wait until she’s ready to hear about your beliefs and convictions. We live in a cancel culture that dismisses and vehemently opposes those who disagree or believe differently than ourselves. What a tragedy to have lost our ability to honor differences. As you and your daughter discuss sex, ask her if or when she is open to hearing your beliefs. If you’re someone who adheres to biblical values on sex (which means waiting until you’re married to have sex), you can be honest without criticizing her choices or beliefs. Let this be a time to activate kindness culture in your family, starting with the two of you. In doing so, you’re modeling that there are men who live by their values.

17. Don’t skip this conversation if she’s already sexually active. You might be thinking that if she’s already had sex, there’s no point in opening up this “can of worms.” Instead, here’s what I want you to consider: By talking this out with you, she may change her stance going forward as she processes her past experiences and then gains more insight that she can apply to future relationships. And who better to lead her than you?

18. Do treat her with the respect she deserves. If your daughter has already had sex, there’s a high likelihood that her sexual experiences haven’t all been positive. She may feel used after a one night stand or like she’s just one in a long line-up of women who believed his promises but now are cast aside. This is why you want to model being the guy who is steady as you truly love and care about her heart…no strings attached.

19. Don’t think of this as a one-and-done conversation. Because your daughter is always maturing and growing and changing, so will her beliefs and choices, thoughts and convictions…on everything, including sex. I encourage you to make this an annual topic of conversation. Lead by initiating dialogue in an ongoing way throughout her lifespan. Let her know you value hearing her thoughts…and about her process in formulating those thoughts.

20. Do end by telling her three things you admire and appreciate about her. It’s always a profound point of connection when someone gives praise and encouragement. Let’s face it: We all love hearing positive words of affirmation that fill our love buckets and breathe life into our weary souls. And when those words of life come from our dad, they’re saved in a deep heart place that can be drawn from long after they’re spoken. 

There you have it, Dad: Twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

If you’re ready to take action in having ‘the sex talk,’ I’ve got just what you need. Here’s the script to lead you as you initiate this delicate yet critical conversation with your daughter. Let’s do this…together!

20 Do’s and Don’ts for Dads to Succeed in Having ‘The Sex Talk’ with Their Daughters [Part 1]

If you’re still reading, it means the title of this blog hasn’t scared you away. Well done!

And because this is a weighty subject, I’m breaking things up into two parts. You’ll get half the list today and half next time [in two weeks]---plus your dad-daughter date questions---to guide you in opening a conversation with her about sex.

That said, here we go!

If you’re like a lot of dads I’ve walked alongside on their fathering journey, you may be tapping into fear and dread as you think about having “the sex talk” with your daughter. Maybe you’re avoiding the subject altogether or choosing to sidestep a potentially unpleasant reaction.

But if you don’t talk about sex with your daughter, then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence. You have to weigh in. 

And you don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation [which is why I have a template for you to follow attached at the bottom of this email].

I acknowledge that many women say it’s their decision whether to have sex before marriage because it’s their body and their choice. They further assert that what they do behind closed doors needs to remain private, especially from their dad.

That said, with research confirming that girls delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, it’s imperative that you open up this conversation with your daughter because your opinion matters, even if she’s not fully aware that it does. Let her know you’re willing to dive into the deep end, even if it’s challenging.

Here are my suggestions---a.k.a. 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. Set your goal here at the start to listen at least twice as much as you talk---a.k.a. two ears, one mouth. The best way to do that is to ask great questions that allow her to express herself. I highly recommend that you use the template I’m providing here [see below] to help you phrase your questions in ways that allow her to reveal more of what she’s carrying inside (as opposed to hearing a lecture from you).

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. I’m guessing you did these three things before every game you played in sports. Think back to how many times you felt overwhelmed, yet you stepped forward despite your fears. Use that same mindset here by first grounding yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then step forward despite your fear. That, my friend, is the definition of courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything. This is a complex and complicated topic, which requires that you lead by example so the atmosphere is open, honoring, and non-hostile as each of you interact.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward. It’s okay if this is an uncomfortable topic and both of you squirm. The important thing is that your daughter will hear your heart and you will hear hers.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic. Too often dads tell me they hope someone else will address sex with their daughters because it seems like they’re all more qualified. Not true (as noted in the research above). Make a choice today not to defer to her mom or some other mentor in her life. You’re her dad. This one is on you.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. Like my friend Steve Pringle always asks himself in relating to his daughter: Is my goal to win the argument or win her heart? He always chooses the latter. This helps him calibrate his expectations while making sure he’s communicated those goals to his mouth! 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. If things get heated or feel strange, talk about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps to change your environment by going for a walk and talking shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Go for a walk and talk shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Then pick up the conversation where you left off as you move forward.

8. Do practice what you preach. Think of this as an opportunity to show your daughter what a good man looks like in action by the way you interact with her. It’s easy to say you want her to be with a guy who listens to her and honors her. There’s no better way to teach your daughter how to use her voice with the opposite sex than to practice with you. Even more, if she can speak confidently with you about a hard subject like this, she’ll carry that confidence into the world.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. This might be hard to hear, but I have a question for you: What age were you when you first had sex? Were you a guy who waited or were you a player? If you want your daughter to wait to have sex until she gets married, you may want to give her some context for what you’re advising. Tell her what you learned the hard way (in an age appropriate way, of course) or what you wish you would have known then that you know now.

10. Do lead with vulnerability. This goes hand in hand with the last one. So often dads expect things of their daughters (and the guys they date) that have a historical base in their own story. Perhaps you’re recalling poor choices you’ve made or regrets you have. And yes, you are speaking with wisdom now, but without more context, your daughter may say you’re out of touch with her current reality. Tell more of your backstory. (You can use specific templates on this topic in my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters in the section titled, Lead Her to Listen).

There you have it, Dad: Ten of your twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

In the next two weeks---between part one and part two of this blog series---I encourage you to begin practicing these ten skills here. They will set the foundation for your upcoming conversation with your daughter that lets her know she is safe to open up to you. 

Go Dads!

Click here for the template to guide you through this conversation with your daughter. 

Dads, Dudes, and Duds

In celebration of all things Valentine’s Day (which is only four days away, incidentally!), there’s no better time than the present to talk about your daughter’s heart strings and the way those strings can be played.

And because you were once a teenage boy, and later a young adult man, you know how guys think who are your daughter’s age. More significantly, you really know what their motives, strategies, and end game looks like.

Today’s blog is designed to help strengthen your resolve to connect with your daughter’s heart at all costs so she’s not vulnerable to the games of the dudes and the duds. At the end of the day, you and I have the same goal: for your daughter to always know she’s a daddy’s girl who is loved, safe, secure and celebrated!

After all, you want what’s best for her….not what’s best for you. And that’s 180 degrees opposite from the guy who wants to win her affection so he has another notch in his belt.

First, a little history. 

I was the daughter who gave my parents quite a few of their grey hairs. And yes, it happened over a guy. I dated him for a little over two years and not surprisingly, the whole thing drove a bit of a wedge in my relationship with my parents.

The more my parents said they didn’t like him, the more the two of us bonded. I think I was a bit warped after seeing the movie Grease right after I graduated from high school in 1978. For whatever reason, that movie stayed with me. So a decade later when this guy and I dated, I figured we were like Danny and Sandy who were destined to be together against all odds. 

What I wouldn't give now for a do-over. 

But this does inspire me to address the topic that many dads have asked me to address:

What do you do when your daughter chooses a guy you think is a dude or a dud (a.k.a., a loser)?

The truth is that I’ve seen many parents alienate their daughter when she’s dating a guy who is not their choice. Clearly the age of the girl plays a part here, but as a general rule, she is going to have to decide what kind of guy is right for her. And she will do it with or without your help.

I know it’s hard to see beyond the current struggle, but when it’s not a clear-cut issue (unless he’s abusive or involved in illegal or unethical practices), a key question for you to ask yourself is:

What do I want my forever relationship with her to look like, long past the present situation? 

I’m not saying that she doesn’t need your input, because if you say nothing then she doesn’t have your perspective or insight. But if you only criticize and put down her boyfriend, she will run to him because she’ll say, “he understands and ‘gets me’ and gives me space to be me.” 

She will interpret anything negative you say about him as an attack on her because she hears you saying that she has bad taste and can’t choose well. This is when a girl gets better at hiding what she’s doing with him if her own heart isn’t convinced he’s not good for her. 

So Dad, here are a few practical questions for you to consider: 

Dad: Do you talk at her, telling her what you don’t like about him?
Dude: Does he listen to her and side with her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you pull back out of disgust, anger, or disappointment?
Dude: Does he move toward her, embracing her, holding her?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

Dad: Do you put walls up in your interactions with her to protect your hurting heart over her choice with this guy?
Dude: Does he provide emotional support to lift her up and encourage her while she’s processing hurt and sadness from you?
Do the math: Who will she choose to spend time with? 

If I had one piece of advice to give you dads if your daughter is dating a guy you don’t like, it would be: 

Let your actions speak louder than your words.

Words are key, but keep them few. Use your words wisely and sparingly. But do use words. (Silence is not an option.)

I do have another piece of advice:

Treat her the way you want a guy to treat her and don’t back away.

Because more is caught than taught, be the kind of man you want her to marry. As she experiences real love from you, it will provide a good template for comparison. 

Here are a few questions you can ask her to open up a dialogue as you help her learn how to think, not just what to think:

• Tell me what you like/love about him? (This way you start with something positive) 

• What does he like/love about you? 

• How does he let you know he enjoys you? 

• What do you laugh about when you’re together? 

• Tell me about his family. What is his relationship like with his mother/father/ siblings? 

• What does he want to be when he “grows up”?(She may get defensive with these next ones so be careful to watch your tone so that you aren’t asking with an air of judgment) 

• How free are you to use your voice with him? (Saying “yes” and “no”, sharing opinions, preferences, etc.) 

• Do you have any concerns about him as a person? (His present/past) 

• If there was something about him you could change, what would it be? 

• Where do your spiritual beliefs match up and where do they differ? 

• What degree or educational goals does he have? 

• What career aspirations does he have? 

• How do you both navigate conflict when you disagree or differ in your opinions or choices? 

These are heavy questions, which is why, depending on where your relationship is with your daughter, you may be able to ask only one or two of them at a time. Yet these questions will give you a template to work from over time in order to draw her out. 

And if your daughter is in a relationship that currently breaks your heart, I encourage you to write out (yes, literally write out) a list of specific prayer requests. Watch God work as you use your voice to advocate on your daughter’s behalf with Father God. 

And last, I leave you with a question to ponder by asking yourself: How can I maintain a quality relationship with my daughter even if I don’t like the choice she is making with this guy?

Continue to be the dad who outshines the dude and the dud so you can be the dad who never varies in his love for his daughter.

10 Things Your Daughter Needs From You This Valentine's Day

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I feel compelled once again to talk about all things women and romance!

I know this isn’t typically a topic that draws your attention, Dad, but for the sake of your daughter, you’ll be wiser for staying with me on this. I promise!

A couple of days ago I read an article titled, 'The Bachelor' Is A Failed Experiment, So Why Does America Still Watch? by Ruth E. Samuel. What a great question. I've actually wondered the same thing.

The reason I’m addressing this today is to highlight keys to understanding your daughter’s inner longings. The more you dial in to what’s going on inside her at a heart level, the less she’ll turn to learning about love and relationships from unhealthy sources [like this TV show!]

Summary of the above-mentioned article:

• ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ is “an experiment in love and matchmaking in the modern era…and a highly manufactured depiction of romance” that isn’t about finding love since less than ten couples are still together after 26 seasons in 20 years

• There were 3.8 million viewers last season, with the largest demographic being women between the ages of 18 and 49

• The goal of every contestant is to get the lead’s attention at any cost, even giving expensive gifts or expressing grand gestures, which is usually a one-way street

• 35-year veteran psychologist William J. Ryan notes that “watching the show is a social-bonding event like watching the Super Bowl…and audiences can’t ignore how the series offers ‘vicarious pleasure’ that ‘feeds our own imagination about romance’”

• Ryan also notes that the show thrives on contestants trauma-bonding and trauma-dumping as a means to evoke vulnerability, which is actually an attempt to develop pseudo-intimacy

• Podcaster Chad Kultgen says the series “isn‘t showing how to establish a good foundation for long-lasting, healthy relationships, but, as with any form of entertainment, it’s a mirror of the good, bad and ugly of our society, a thermometer of the culture, because what drives today’s culture is the fame machine”

Notice the words I highlighted in bold.

Read them again.

As a dad, do any of these themes concern you as you think of the way your daughter is being influenced by these methods, messages, models, and mess-ups?

When you think of the ways this show is shaping her view of romance, love, dating, relationships, imagination, and intimacy (or lack of it) that requires doing whatever it takes to win a man, do you have anything rise within you that wants to protect her heart? Or at the very least, does it motivate you to want to have a conversation with her about what she’s learning from what she’s seeing? (even if she tells you it’s a harmless form of entertainment).

My response to the above-mentioned article:

• Women often thrive on living vicariously through the relationships of others (whether on the small or large screen, as well as with their friends) rather than experiencing their own relationships lived out in real time

• Whether women know it or not, ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ inform, educate, condition and reinforce unhealthy relational dynamics that shape their perspectives of romantic interactions based in unrealistic expectations and norms

• If women spend time exposing themselves to content that normalizes interpersonal drama, emotional chaos and relational disrespect while highlighting this as a typical part of romantic relationships, this mindset seeps into their consciousness as an acceptable aspect of dating and marriage

• When there is a lack of real-life, healthy modeling about what it means to be in a vibrant, respectful, honoring, and mutually-edifying relationship, women are apt to be drawn to anything) that engages their heart desire for romance, even if it’s unreal, unhealthy, harmful and dishonoring.

All this to say, if millions of women are watching these shows on television and have been doing so for over two decades, it’s highly likely that your daughter is in this demographic now…or she will be.

More importantly, if she’s like many of the women I’ve counseled and mentored over the last two-plus decades since this television show debuted, she will allow herself to be treated poorly in dating relationships because these relational dynamics are subtly influencing cultural norms.

Here’s where you come in: Rather than your daughter learning about romantic relationships this way----where she watches women throw themselves at a guy they barely know just to win his affection, even if it means clawing their way to the front in order to be seen and chosen, often disrespecting themselves with how they behave or treat those around them, etc.---what if you, her father, came alongside her this Valentines Day to let her experience what it feels like to be the heroine in her own story!

Here’s your 10-step plan of action:

1. Choose to spend time with her

2. Tell her you see her as beautiful

3. Show her what chivalry looks like

4. Hug her

5. Buy her flowers

6. Treat her to dinner

7. Listen well

8. Ask questions to show you care

9. Give (or send) her a Valentine’s Day card

10. Share what you adore and admire about her

Your daughter will feel like the most cherished girl or woman on the planet as you, her Dad, shower her with love, kindness and validation in an extra special way this week because you’re the real man whose heart is always turned towards hers.

This is the best Valentine’s Day present you can ever give her!