The Absolute Worst Thing You Could Ever Say to Your Daughter
Michelle Watson
If this title intrigues you, I’m guessing you’re wired like a lot of dads where you have a fairly good idea of what to say to your daughter, but you’re aware that it’s just as important to know what not to say.
You’re no doubt reading this because you’re highly invested in making your relationship with your daughter the best it can be. I love that about you and applaud you for being proactive!
We all know that whether intentional or unintentional, once words leave our mouths, they stick; they can’t be taken back. Maybe you can even recall words ---both positive and negative--- that were spoken to you by your dad --or someone else-- that feel as fresh today as when you first heard them.
Yes, we’re all human and we speak or misspeak things we might later regret. And thankfully we can ask forgiveness and make amends. But still, those imprinted messages last long after they’re spoken.
So let’s look at this from a positive vantage point where you can add another tool to your fathering toolbox to ensure a higher likelihood of doing it right, saying it right, and getting it right as a #girldad.
Here are the two absolute worst words you could ever say to your daughter:
“You’re too…”
At first glance, you’re probably thinking this seems insignificant and doesn’t appear to be substantive enough to merit an entire blog.
Yet the reason I’m underscoring the destructive, negative power of these words is that they attack the very core of who God made your daughter to be.
Let me clarify. Here’s how this sentence might sound if it were completed:
You’re too fat
You’re too skinny
You’re too quiet
You’re too loud
You’re too much
You’re too immature
You’re too self-absorbed
You’re too complicated
You’re too unpredictable
You’re too needy
I’m including this last one because I actually heard these words spoken by a dad in a counseling session years ago. I was there with Mom, Dad, and their 19-year old, compliant, gentle, beautiful, yet fragile daughter. We were talking about her recent stint in a 45-day residential eating disorder treatment center for anorexia nervosa. At one point Dad said--with his daughter listening--“she’s always been the most needy of our three kids.”
My heart was breaking for her and I thought: If this is how Dad is talking about his daughter to me with her listening, what kinds of things is he saying to her in their home? I also wondered if his negative view of her was internalized such that she was now seeking to be invisible and unseen while fading away (which is a hallmark of anorexia). I saw her trying not to have any needs, which included not being in the way, and not being alive.
In time she did heal, thankfully. Yet, her dad harmed her more than helped through much of her process, unfortunately. I don’t want to see another dad make this same mistake.
I could go on, but you get the gist.
The reality is that your daughter might be “too this” or “too that” based on your personality or preferences. But, she’s wired the way she’s wired for a purpose by her Creator. It is your job to help steer, support, steward, and strengthen her gifts.
And Dad, if you do need to address negative behaviors, find a way to say it in a positive way.
For example, instead of remarking, “you’re too selfish,” try saying, “I’ve seen you give of yourself through the years (give one or two examples) and that is when you’re being your authentic self. Lately I’ve noticed that you’re more focused on yourself and your needs rather than on others. Can we talk about what’s going on inside? I imagine there’s more going on under the surface.”
Dad, always remember that your daughter will internalize your view of her. Make it your goal to:
Renew your commitment to never speak words that crush the core of who she is.
Look for opportunities to speak life into the very areas where you perhaps feel overwhelmed or get triggered by her.
Counter reactivity by leaning in and proactively affirming her positive qualities.
Find ways to build her up and celebrate her uniqueness.
And these, my friend, are the four absolute best things you could ever say or do to your daughter. Go Dad!