Why My Video About Dads and Anger Went Viral

I recently experienced something for the first time in my life: One of my videos went viral!

Over 3.4 million people have viewed a little 47-second clip on Instagram where I shared about the vital importance of a dad dropping his anger…and it exploded! The clip came from a two-hour interview I did with my friend, Jim Ramos of Men in the Arena, when his team posted this snippet as we talked about the importance of a dad’s active role in the life of his daughter.

Before going any further, here are the actual words I spoke in it:

“Awhile back I met a dad with a 2 ½ year old daughter who said: Tell me what I need to know [as a #girldad] in 20 seconds. Go!

Without hesitating, I responded: I’ll do you one better. I’ll give you just three words:
DROP. YOUR. ANGER. You will do more damage to her heart through your anger than anything else.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.
Your anger will make her stop trying.
Your anger will be internalized by her and she will believe she’s not worthy and that she’s unloveable.

So the best gift you can give your daughter is to make a commitment right now to set a foundation to never respond to her in anger.”

As you can imagine, hundreds of comments poured in, and the large majority of them broke my heart.

Here are some examples:

“My father was always mad. I honestly never saw him happy or content when I was a child. He would come home and scream and yell and punch the wall over trivial things. It was terrifying. He'd apologize sometimes but that just taught me to expect explosive anger. I never thought I could be good enough for someone. It's funny that my father was extremely angry and my ex-husband treated me the same way he did.”

“I think anger is a human emotion, not to be avoided. The real issue is how to resolve things after anger has been displayed. It can be very powerful to show your kids that adults are just as fallible. Talking about one's anger and showing your daughter that she's not the cause of the anger is more valuable than walking around trying to be perfect. It also allows for one's own personal growth to be more organic.”

“As a woman who grew up with an angry dad, this is so on point ... I surely shut down and ran away from my dad emotionally after awhile ... I could barely make eye contact with my dad ... I always felt like he didn't love me and I felt unlovable for years, by him and other men ... It took God through prayer to show me that my dad was in his own pain and didn't know how to love, and I began to approach him differently and I know now it wasn't personal."

These stories highlight that:

1. Scars and wounds from a dad’s anger are real...and they’re lasting.

2. We have an opportunity to move forward through forgiveness to heal from our father wounds.

The reason I believe this video went VIRAL is because it resonated with people’s stories regarding their father’s anger, and this validated their experiences.  

Anger is our signal that we’ve been betrayed or violated. And if we don’t deal with those issues, we’ll spin around in anger and it will devour us while destroying relationships.

If you’re ready to begin looking at the roots of your anger to see what’s underneath, here are some suggestions about where to start:

1. When you notice your emotions intensifying, walk away to catch your breath and you’ll have a higher likelihood of responding later in a way that is congruent with your heart and love for those around you.

2. Realize that if you’re hitting an 8, 9 or 10 (on a 0 to 10 scale of intensity), it’s your own stuff that’s being activated, even if it feels like it’s the impact of what’s happening around you.

3. Ask yourself: When have I felt like this before? Go back to when you were young since it most likely started long ago. (For example: You may have a familiar feeling of being helpless, controlled, overpowered or disrespected). The current intensity may be tied to something in your history.

4. Allow Jesus, God or Truth to reveal to you any truths about who you are and what you need. (For example: I can ask for what I need now, I can leave and come back, I am worthy of being respected, loved and valued, etc.).

5. Be willing to ask forgiveness and make amends with those you’ve hurt.

6. Meet with a trusted friend or mentor and share your story while receiving support through the process. (One other option is to schedule an appointment with me where we can meet over Zoom to explore your anger and move toward resolution).

Dad, here’s my final challenge to you: Take one step today to be a courageous dad who models to your kids what it looks like to own your stuff, drop your anger, make amends, and walk in new ways.

This is how you can become the dad you want to be…and your kids need you to be.

Let’s keep the conversation going so we can see a new video go viral where kids and adults of all ages start posting powerful, positive stories of their lives changing for the better when their dads dropped their anger. Go Dads!

How to Bring Healing to Your Daughter's Dad Wound

Hi Dad…

By now you know I have a passion for seeing dads and daughters strengthen their relationship while equipping you as fathers to dial in more intentionally to your daughter’s heart. 

That is why the focus of my blog today is about encouraging you to initiate a potentially challenging conversation with your daughter where you courageously invite her to share about wounds she’s carrying from you. Hard as it may be to hear what she has to say, if you delay, those wounds may lead her to make unwise decisions that lead her off course from being the best version of herself (and I know you don’t want that to happen).

Let me state something that you probably already know. For girls and guys alike there can be dad wounds in our early years that effect current health and functioning many years later. And once those wounds go unattended, just like with physical injuries, eventually they begin to fester until finally the infection impacts other areas of life as well.

Though I don’t want to oversimplify the healing process, I can say that by exposing those areas of pain to truth (a.k.a. God’s truth, your clarifying ‘truth,’ etc.), we can find healing for unfinished business that may be lurking in our present day life. But we’ve got to start by being honest about the wound, the injury, while admitting to what’s actually there.

Your goal must be to affirm your love for your daughter and take responsibility without defending what you did or didn’t do or what you did or didn’t say. Since we’re all human and cause harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you’re modeling to your daughter what humility in action looks like. And you give your daughter a gift by staying emotionally present with her while you listen and validate with a focus on trying to understand her. 

I can say that for the majority of females I meet, they are stuck because they don’t know how to talk to their dads, and their dads don’t know how to talk to them, especially about the hard stuff.

Stalemate.

I do understand that not all dads are open to working things through with their daughters, but for those of you who are ready to begin healing the wounds you have caused with your daughter, here’s where you can start. 

Invite your daughter to spend one-on-one time with you while you ask her the following questions. If she lives away, you can always do this via FaceTime or you can send her these questions in writing. Let her know you want to hear whatever she has to say while reminding her you won’t get angry because you want this conversation to result in healing her heart and healing her hurt. 

Here are some ideas for how you can phrase your questions to her:

1. Are we as close as you’d like us to be? If so, I’d love to hear more about what that means to you. If not, why do you think we’re not close?

2. Do you remember any times when I hurt your feelings by what I said
   or did to you? I want to know about them, so you don’t have to carry those wounds anymore or believe lies about yourself that are tucked inside those hurts.

3. Can you recall any times when I missed something or didn’t do something that was important to you, such as not attending an event, failing to see how I’d hurt you by my response, or not seeing how much you were hurting so I was insensitive?

4. I would love your honesty on this next question: What is one way that I’m not being a good dad to you right now?

You will give your daughter a forever gift by opening up this vitally important conversation. And you will give yourself a forever gift by opening up this vitally important conversation. This equates to being a win-win in the end even if it’s a bit challenging through the process. 

Go Dad!

Optimize Your Fathering Health (With This Checklist)

Let’s be honest. None of us likes it when someone else tells us what to do. 

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

So here’s my spin on your “annual review” as a #girldad. You have an opportunity to optimize your fathering health by evaluating yourself.

No lectures. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the “hood of your car” and checking the wiring in order ensure peak workability. 

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to be honest, even asking for input to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. 

Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and if defined, provide a road map to pursue the hearts of their daughters (and sons). 

That’s where this self-assessment fathering checklist that I’m providing you today will serve as a proactive tool for your fathering toolbox. It supports your personal growth as a dad because it will help you clarify your vision. 

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time. 

After you take “The Dialed-In Dad Checklist” and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter. 

Here’s Your Game Plan---should you dare to accept it:

1. Challenge yourself to choose two new ways to connect with your daughter this week by using the lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist. 

2. For extra credit, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement! 

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

3 Crucial Questions A Dad Needs To Ask His Daughter

If you’re like most dads, you want clear, specific, practical, action-oriented ideas that work to connect with your daughter’s heart. I hear you and have something to share with you today that you're going to love: three questions to ask your daughter.

But first, here’s a few thoughts to set the stage for the conversation you’ll be having with her.

Since the launch of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I’ve been using John Gray’s terminology to describe my awareness that I, as a woman, live on Venus and you, Dad, live on Mars. I’ve found that this creative terminology helps to explain something we all know:

As men and women, we often miss each other’s intent and meaning in our communication because we speak two very different languages.

I’ve actually been planet hopping for over a decade, and the more traveling I do between our respective spheres, the more I’ve sought to transport observations I’ve made from my planet to yours…and vice versa.

One of the observations I’ve collected is something that I’ve noticed about many men. Essentially, it’s that you are often motivated by crisis or need. Stated otherwise: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

To illustrate, rather than focus on you as men, I’ll highlight an ordeal that my mom lived through.

When she was almost 80 years old, she was still working as an RN at the VA (Veterans Affairs). And being the vibrant and active woman that she was then, she typically walked an hour a day, five or six days a week. And though she began noticing a slight shortness of breath for about a year, she thought it was just part of the aging process and downplayed it.

But on one particular Monday, her symptoms intensified, and this started the fastball rolling when my dad rushed her to the ER that evening. Four days later she had emergency open heart surgery. Her surgeon said he’d performed 14,000 heart surgeries during his career and had never seen an aortic valve so calcified—86%! Yes, it’s a miracle that she survived, and thankfully she is still thriving today, six years later.

Here was the question we all asked back then: How could a woman who was very active and in seemingly fine health have such a huge blockage to her heart without any awareness?

Answer: Things had gradually been taking place in her body such that she had acclimated to the changes over time. And because there hadn’t been a crisis, there was no motivation to explore the apparent minor signs and symptoms that were signaling to her that there was a problem. A very serious problem.

Reality suddenly became clear when the crisis arose. And it was the crisis that changed everything.

We all agreed that it would have been so much better and wiser had she tuned into the warning signs before it got to the desperation-emergency-almost-lost-her point.

Here’s the reason I’m sharing this story with you today: to highlight that sometimes it’s the same way with your daughter.

It may seem like things are fine within herself and even between you. But what if more is going on under the surface that she…and you or her mom…aren’t tuning in to?

Maybe you’re assuming that everything is on par because there’s no obvious crisis or need and because she seems okay and hasn’t gotten into trouble or given you cause for concern. Or maybe she’s been a great kid who follows the rules, gets fantastic grades, and hasn’t rebelled. So you conclude that she’s all good and she’ll stay that way. This is where it’s key to have regular check in’s and check up’s, just like my mom will now be doing for the rest of her life.

Why not take time now to tune in by taking steps to connect with her insides (a.k.a. her heart and her mind, thoughts, ideas, fears, doubts, wonderings, questions, opinions, needs, longings, feelings, dreams, etc.) rather than risking the potential of emergency treatment down the road? At that desperation point it’s ten times harder to get a handle on things.

So here’s your action step and it’s probably not what you think! This isn’t about you asking your daughter how she’s doing. Instead, it’s about letting her give you feedback on how you’re doing as a dad….in relationship to her.

The reality is that this conversation will give her space to actually reveal some of her heart to you, which will in turn give you a glimpse into what she needs and wants.

Here are three questions you can ask your daughter today:

1. How am I doing as your dad overall? 

2. On a 0 to 10 scale, what rating would you give me right now as your dad (with 10 being the best, 0 being the worst)?

3. What can I work on to be a better dad to you?

It may be scary to ask these deeper questions, but I challenge you to do it anyway. And if she gives you a high score and says there’s no room for improvement, perhaps you could offer one idea that you believe would “up your game” so you are more engaged as her father.

Your daughter may or may not be honest with you, but you can still invite her to respond. She may not feel safe to answer if she fears your reaction. So assure her that you won’t get angry or be defensive. Tell her that you truly want to hear her thoughts and feelings. And if she doesn’t have the courage to tell you her thoughts face to face, suggest that she write her response and text it to you later.

If you want a better, stronger, healthier, and more vibrant relationship with your daughter, I encourage you to ask these three questions a minimum of once a year (option: meet every six months to re-evaluate).

Are you in? Now you have a script ready to go should you dare to accept this challenge!

I’d love to hear from you after you ask your daughter these questions. Write me at drmichellewatson@gmail.com

• Was it as hard as you thought it would be?

• Did she say what you thought she would say?

• Did you learn anything about yourself after hearing what she told you?

• Did she give you feedback that you can use to change course with her and better connect with her needs and heart space?