3 Things Moms Do that Damage the Dad-Daughter Bond (Guest Blog by Connie Patty)
Michelle Watson
Connie Patty has been my best friend for over 40 years and I’m excited for you to read her words of wisdom today that are for MOMS so you can help support the relationship between your daughter and her dad.
~ Dr. Michelle
I’ve been asked the question: What have you observed about the ways that women can undermine their husbands---or if divorced, their daughter’s father?
I can honestly say I’ve not just seen the impact of disempowerment, but I’ve done it as well. Yet hopefully after being a mom now for nearly 33 years, I’ve learned from some of those mistakes!
Shortly after my husband and I were married 36 years ago, we came up with something we called, “The Ten Amendments to our Marriage Vows,” and one of the vows we made directly ties into this question about disempowering the fathers of our kids. My husband and I agreed that we would be THE PRESIDENT OF EACH OTHER’S FAN CLUB and never talk poorly of the other person in public.
That gave me such a good foundation once we started having kids.
As I look back over my journey and reflect on conversations I’ve had with other moms, there are THREE THINGS I would recommend to every woman if she wants to help strengthen the bond her daughter has with her dad.
1. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT AROUND
One of the greatest ways moms negatively influence their children is by the words they speak when talking about their father when he’s not there. Yes, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but most of the time there are choices we can make to live by biblical principles that could change the whole course of our kids’ relationships with their dads by the ways that we speak about him!
For instance, in our family we were very committed to the verse in Ephesians that says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up others that it may benefit those who listen!” That means that if I’m frustrated by something my husband is doing, or not doing, in that moment I can choose words that are either wholesome or unwholesome.
2. STOP SPEAKING IN A DISRESPECTFUL TONE TOWARDS HIM
Another thing women do to disempower their husbands (or daughter’s dads) is to speak with a degrading tone.
If my husband says, “Have you seen my keys?,” I can walk over to the spot where they are, dangle them in front of him, and say, “They’re here”…which means, “They’re here, stupid.” Or I can respond with a completely different tone of voice by simply saying, “Here they are!”
Moms can pass on a sinful pattern of disrespect, which can be detrimental to the father-daughter, father-son relationship later on.
So the tone a mom sets in the household with how she speaks ABOUT her husband and how she speaks TO her husband can have profound impact on the relationship her kids have with their dad.
3. DON’T WITHHOLD THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING HER HEART
Our daughter had years of difficult health problems that required a lot of time where I took her to doctors and hospitals. Because of that, we developed a bond and strength in our relationship that didn’t always leave a lot of room for her dad. I knew all the specifics about what she was dealing with and what she needed, and I related to her with an ease that I often wished my husband had with her as well.
And even though I knew that she was unusually bonded to me because of those trials, I wanted my husband to have that same level of bonding. Plus, I was frustrated when I could see and hear that he was “missing her.”
For several years I watched the two of them not experiencing closeness in their relationship.
But I’ll be honest…I didn’t do anything to help my husband understand her either. I was the one who went to all the appointments, and held her when she cried. I made the trips with her when we needed medical help. And yet, in some ways I held it against my husband that he wasn’t close to her. (I know…it was terrible!)
But I remember when she was in her early teen years, and started expressing frustration about her dad (at that point he was actually trying to get close to her), something finally clicked in me and I realized that I probably had the key to understanding her heart…and that I needed to give him that key.
We had some long talks where I helped him understand:
Who she was
What her thought processes were like
What kinds of things meant a lot to her
The ways I saw that he could be successful at building a meaningful relationship with her
This changed everything!
We were now a team in helping him have a good relationship with her. I was no longer holding out on him with information that could move them forward. Instead, I was looking for ways that would help them connect.
To every mom reading this, hear my heart when I say that looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I wish I’d spoken up sooner and helped my husband know, understand, and relate to our daughter.
Make a renewed commitment today not to damage the relationship your daughter has with her dad by being conscious of your words, your tone, and going the extra mile to hand over the keys!
(If you’d like to listen to the original interview with Connie Patty titled, “How Moms Can Support the Dad-Daughter Connection," click here)