What Difference Does it Make When a Dad Drops His Anger? (A real life story with Ron Hauenstein)
Michelle Watson
Today I want to introduce you a very good friend of mine, Ron Hauenstein.
Ron is the real deal. He’s a warm-hearted, down-to-earth, generous man who lives to see others thrive and heal. He goes the extra mile to support those around him and has no desire to be in the spotlight. (Yet here I am today highlighting him!)
Recently Ron and I were talking about my viral video on the topic of men dropping their anger, which prompted a conversation that I want to share with you today (with his permission, of course!).
First, let me tell you more about Ron.
Ron founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) in Washington State in 2017 with a goal to restore the value of fatherhood. After spending years volunteering at a shelter for homeless women and children, Ron continued to see the negative impact of fatherlessness, which compelled him to launch SpoFI and develop a curriculum called “24-7 Dad.”
Many men who have found their way to his organization have been released from prison and are learning profound life skills, which has reduced recidivism rates in their state. I’m happy to report that SpoFI has issued more than 550 certificates of completion while seeing a remarkable graduation rate of 92 percent!
The reality is that Ron is in the trenches with real dads who are doing the hard work of restoring that which they have broken in their homes while also experiencing inner healing for their own brokenness.
With that backdrop, here’s what Ron wrote to me:
Michelle,
I’ve been following this development on your viral video since it occurred, which leads me to share something I’ve discovered.
When we ask dads to name the most significant change they experience as a result of our classes, the large majority say, “I’m more patient with my kids.”
One dad was in court and was challenged by his ex-wife when she said, “So you took a fatherhood class, big deal.”
His reply: “Do you know what our 4-year-old daughter says to me now? She says, ‘Daddy, you don’t get mad like you used to. You don’t yell at us anymore.’ He continued, “I made that decision to stop yelling at my kids at the end of the second class.”
So after just four hours of SpoFI classes he made an internal choice, a major change in his beliefs, about how to parent.
There’s something about the atmosphere God creates in our classrooms that allow men:
time for introspection
a chance to listen to other fathers
the ability to reflect on their behavior
space to ponder what they learned from their own father
In our “24-7 Dad” PM (advanced) fatherhood class, I facilitate a 2-hour session on anger. I pass out crayons and paper and ask the men to draw a picture of what their father looked like to them when they were a child and dad was angry.
Here are some samples:
After some rich discussion, I give the men another assignment: “Now, draw me a picture of what your children see when you are angry.” Many of the men confess that the same picture suffices.
I’m working my way through a book titled Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. His challenge: Are you willing to give up the right to be angry? Ummmmm…deep stuff. Goes along with another lesson I teach: You Don’t Have to Be Wrong to Repent.
Wow! Now you can understand why I dearly love and respect Ron’s heart for fathers. He helps them reveal and process the nuances of their relationships with their own fathers that impacts them more than they’ve probably ever realized.
So how about you? Would you be willing to follow Ron’s lead and draw two pictures to represent your story?
What did your father look like to you when you were a child and your dad was angry?
What do your children see when you’re angry?
Next, here’s a plan for processing and healing after you’ve drawn these pictures:
Set the two pictures side by side. Look at them closely without judgment. Just notice.
Feel what you need to feel. Give yourself the gift of releasing sadness and tears. (Tears have salt in them and salt brings healing to wounded areas. Trust me when I say: Real men cry. Jesus did and you can follow His lead).
Ask God, your Heavenly Father, to come near to the “little boy you” who lives inside and often takes the lead. Allow your Heavenly Father to give His unconditional comfort and love, which often is different than what you experienced from your earthly father.
Notice where you feel that comfort in your body and hold it there as long as you can.
Then imagine your adult self joining in to connect with your younger self while your Heavenly Father affirms and validates who you are. Allow your adult self to also affirm your younger self, even if it seems pointless or silly. (This cord of three strands is strong and powerful).
Well done.
Now take a breath as you express gratitude for where you are, who you are, and for the amazing children God has given you to love and lead.
I know this isn’t easy to do, but it’s necessary to look deeper if you want to begin (or continue) healing. This is a way you can drop your anger and be the dad you want to be.
Let me also add that if you want to keep doing more work like this, you can always reach out to me for a coaching session. I’d be honored to walk with you through more processing to greater healing.
So what difference does it make when a dad drops his anger?
It makes ALL the difference and makes home happier because love takes the lead.
P.S. If you want to connect with Ron Hauenstein, here’s his contact information:
Spokane Fatherhood Initiative
Phone: 509-315-8850
www.spofi.org
www.spokane127.org