What It Looks Like for a Dad To Make Amends: A Real Life Dad-Daughter Story

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

As they sat side by side on the platform in front of a packed auditorium, their raw emotion was palatable, expressed visibly as each of them told their story through their tears. We all sat there mesmerized, with an awareness that we were being invited into one of the most honest interactions we’d ever witnessed between a dad and his adult daughter.

She went first. “Affirmation…my dad never gave it and still never does. I think that is why I’m never sure I matter. He is available in a variety of ways---there if I want to talk, etc. but not affirming. I can’t even explain the hole I’ve felt in my heart at his lack of affirmation. For many years, I didn’t even realize that hole was there. And once I did, I first ignored it and told myself I didn’t care. But eventually it hurt too much to ignore.”

As my friend Constance spoke---a married wife with three children, an author, accomplished musician and national leader---it was as if we heard a ten-year old girl in touch with the longings of her heart. She had wished for her daddy to notice her, to tell her she was beautiful in his eyes, and to let her know that he had time for her.  

Looking directly at her father there on the platform, Constance kept the dialogue going and asked: “Dad, how did it make you feel to hear me share our struggles publicly just now?”

With script in hand, Dan read his carefully prepared response to his daughter’s query:

“I was saddened to realize how much you craved my approval and affirmation and I was oblivious to your need. I’m here today because I love you and you asked me to come. You have asked me before to attend your events and I’ve always had a reason not to attend. I recognize mistakes I’ve made in the past and am thankful for the opportunity to make better decisions now. You are important to me and I want to affirm you.”

Dan could hardly get through that part without fighting back tears. As you can imagine, his daughter was right there with him, feeling every word of his heartfelt emotion. He continued:

“I hope that our strengthened relationship will give hope to those in attendance who may be dealing with similar issues with their parents. I also want to bring this to the attention of parents with adult or soon-to-be-adult children so they’ll know that down deep at some level your children still need your approval, your acceptance, your affirmation, and your love. It may not seem like it, but they do.”

By this time we were all on the edge of our seats, feeling their emotion right along with them. Dan kept speaking:

“In my mind I thought I was affirming my daughter with my occasional compliments, so with regret I now realize it was not enough to satisfy her need. I was aware that Constance was not happy with me and I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t realize the depth of her hurt and bitterness. And I will admit that I was raised without much affirmation from my parents and succumbed to the same malady. But I can now be painfully honest; I needed to learn to respect my adult children and not just give them unwanted criticism. There is a time parents have to begin to deal with their children on a respect basis; like many, I was late in recognizing this. But I have now!”

It was so refreshing to hear a dad---and a pastor, no less---honestly admit his failures as a father to his adult daughter out in the open, in front of strangers. There wasn’t defensiveness or mudslinging in an attempt to explain or qualify his actions.

Instead, his honesty and tender willingness to understand how he had hurt his daughter was part of the process that allowed her to continue releasing the hurts that she had carried for so many years.

Constance responded:

“Even though I was really angry at my dad, for some reason there was also a part of me that wanted to hope for something more. I think it was God in me. He gave me eyes to see my dad in a new light. Through conversations I saw more of the pain and rejection he had carried as a little boy, and also as a father and husband. I also realized that he was actually genuinely ignorant of my need for his affirmation. The more I looked at him through eyes of compassion for his brokenness, the easier it was to believe things could be better.

But the biggest boost to our relationship was that he WANTED to change. He was in a season of having retired from work and was looking at his life in new ways and asking God to change him. And that is what I have seen the most these past few years---my dad is ACTIVELY choosing to look at the parts of himself that are not loving, and is open to change.”

Can you hear the softness in her voice that was evident now in the telling of her story?

“This has changed not only our relationship, but my relationship with myself. Somehow, knowing that my dad is proud of me has diminished my need to have others be proud of me too. And the more I know that and can rest in his love for me, the better and better our relationship gets.”

Do you notice how many times each of them used the word hope?

I underscore the hope their story brings in highlighting that it’s never too late for a dad and daughter to mend their relationship. Here is a woman disclosing that it took her until her late 30’s to begin peeling back the layers of her father wounds and voids. But the other amazing reality is that she has a dad who was willing to meet her in that process by also looking at himself and owning his part of the whole.

I want to give Dan the last word with the hope that his words will touch your heart as a dad so that like him, you’ll be willing to look within yourself in order to pursue a more vibrant and positive relationship with your daughter:

“Looking back, I can remember the clues she was sending, but at the time I was clueless. It is never too late, and yes, I am committed to continuously changing to confirm to God’s will for me as a father. The great thing about God is He wants to restore broken relationships and if we will cooperate with Him, He will change us if we will pray for those we have hurt or been hurt by. Then God will begin a work of restoration in them.

…With God all things are possible.”

Well said, Dan.

And what courage he displayed with his humble willingness to be honest about his shortcomings as a father, coupled with publicly modeling what it looks like for a dad to actively turn his heart toward his grown daughter.

Their story gives us all great hope that we’re never too old to change, to take responsibility, to humble ourselves, make amends, and activate healing…whether a dad or an adult daughter.