The Abba Project Is Re-Launching ONLINE in October! 🥳🎉

Hello to each of you—dads, daughters, moms…grandparents…and all!

I’m excited to announce that I’m re-launching THE ABBA PROJECT in a first-ever ONLINE forum!

The Abba Project Explained: As most of you know, this group started in Portland, Oregon in January 2010 for dads with daughters in their teens and 20’s. The main goal was to see dads intentionally and consistently turn their HEARTS, not just their HEADS, towards their girls. I saw profound life change and true relational healing year after year, and the amazing thing is that I continue to receive positive feedback from many of the men even to this day.

Fun story: This summer a dad emailed me to share that he followed my directives to put his love into writing during the group when his daughter was 15. He decided to go “all in” and write one letter a day for a few months and she never said anything…so he assumed she’d thrown them away. She’s now 30, married, and one day a week he watches his grandson. Recently his daughter told him she found the box with all the letters he’d written her during that time and said how much they meant to her! How incredible is that?!

Brief History: After ten consecutive years, the last in-person group of The Abba Project I led was in 2019, right before Covid closed everything down. Then I married Ken in 2020 (whoo hoo!) and in 2021 I moved to Arkansas. In addition to now being in my 30th year of private practice as a licensed professional counselor, over the past five years I’ve had a very full plate with lots of podcasting, travel, speaking alone and with Ken, AND investing in our grandkids…with our 20th on the way! Additionally, I haven’t had a clear word from God about re-starting the group. UNTIL NOW, that is!

Present Update: I’m thrilled that NOW is the time for dads across the country to join this movement through an online forum. I still receive emails regularly with requests to join The Abba Project after men read my books, hear me on the radio or a podcast (including The Dad Whisperer Podcast, which is now in it’s 10th season!), or meet me at a conference. I’m thrilled that I can now say, “YES—you can join the group from wherever you live!”

My Ask: This is where I’d love your help in spreading the word so that a new group of 12 courageous men can participate and step into leading a deeper relationship with their daughter no matter where they live. It’s first come-first serve so encourage men to take acton with a prompt response. 

I’ll attach a flyer that you can share with others. For easy reference, here’s a few specifics:

·      October 5, 2026 through March 1, 2027

·      Once a month on Monday nights for two hours

·      $600 (includes a 45-minute preliminary interview plus all training + teaching materials)

Every dad will experience peer support, training on topics relating to fathering a daughter, personal skill-building exercises, and accountability to support action. 

Last, thank you for your collaboration and connection over the years. It’s a joy to touch base here and network as together we share a kindred spirit passion to see dads better equipped to dial in to their daughter’s hearts.

Let me know if you have any other questions. 

I’m attaching a flyer below that you can send to any Girldads you know with a teenage or 20-something daughter. Go Dads! 

Big hugs from my heart to yours, Dr. Michelle 

The Transformative 4-Word Question to Ask Your Daughter

Three years ago I came across an incredible book written by Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey titled, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing.

This book has been powerfully impactful in my clinical work as a trauma-informed therapist. Let me tell you why.

In most of my psychological graduate training (which was 7 years!), I was taught to diagnose and then implement the best treatment modalities to move people forward toward health and healing. In essence, the underlying (often unconscious) question we’ve been taught to ask is: “What’s wrong with you?” This drives us then to formulate treatment plans based on specific issues, resulting in optimum therapeutic interventions.

By way of contrast, Dr. Perry comes along and has turned everything upside down (in the best of ways!). He says this is the wrong question to ask when we approach people. The reason is that it not only begins with an underlying negative assumption of something being wrong with the other person, but it also narrows our focus on the problem rather than exploring what’s underneath a response.

Dr. Perry began to notice a significant positive shift in his work when he began approaching his patients, namely children, with an entirely different question. When he asked: “What happened to you?,” he essentially became:

• more curious and less critical

• more open and less oppositional (even if unintentionally)

• more inquisitive and less interrogating

• more helpful and less hindering

Now you may be wondering why I’m telling you, a GirlDad, about a book on trauma and the brain, trauma and resilience, especially when it comes to your relationship with your daughter. Let me tell you why.

If you approach your daughter with a desire to hear more of her story without an already-formed conclusion, she’ll feel the positive shift in you. She’ll be more willing to be vulnerable because she’ll feel your interest in more than just the problem and that you care about her.

You’ll connect with her heart in profound ways by simply shifting the underlying question you’re asking to: What happened to you?

• Then you’ll wonder why she overreacted as you wait to respond or react.

• You’ll approach her with warmth and grounded strength.

• You’ll begin the interaction with gentleness, not anger.

• You’ll be more willing to hear the story before giving a consequence.

• You’ll stay open to listening first before lecturing or correcting.

• You’ll assume something else is going on that she hasn’t told you.

Before I wrap up, here are six key takeaways as an overview of Dr. Perry’s work to support your goal to be a more dialed-in GirlDad:

1. The Power of Connection: Dr. Perry emphasizes the importance of positive, nurturing relationships in a child's life. As a dad, your ability to connect with your daughter on an emotional level is vital. Spend quality time together, listen actively to her thoughts and feelings, and create a safe space where she can express herself without fear of judgment.

2. Understanding Behavior: Children often communicate their needs and emotions through behavior. Instead of reacting to your daughter’s challenging behaviors, strive to understand what might be driving her. Is there an underlying fear, insecurity, or unmet need? Your patience and empathy can help her feel understood and supported.

3. Healing Through Presence: Your presence matters more than you might realize. Being consistently available and responsive builds a sense of security and trust in your daughter. Whether she's sharing her achievements or confiding in you during difficult times, your unwavering support can foster resilience and emotional well-being.

4. Recognizing the Impact of Adversity: Even if your daughter hasn't experienced severe trauma, everyday challenges can affect her development. Peer pressure, academic stress, and even the impact of societal expectations can shape her self-perception and outlook on life. By acknowledging these influences, you can offer guidance and encouragement as she navigates these realities.

5. Embracing Vulnerability: As fathers, you often feel pressure to be strong and stoic. However, showing vulnerability—sharing your own challenges and emotions—can deepen your bond with your daughter. It teaches her that vulnerability is a natural part of being human and encourages open communication.

6. Cultivating Resilience: Resilience isn't just about bouncing back from adversity; it's about growing stronger through life's challenges. Encourage your daughter to develop coping skills, problem-solving abilities, and a positive mindset. Your belief in her capabilities will empower her to face obstacles with courage and determination.

By seeking to understand your daughter's experiences and then responding with compassion and love, you can help her strengthen her resilience while you also grow in the process.

Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us that our actions, words, and presence have a lasting impact on our relationships. So Dad, remember to ask not just "What's wrong with you?" but to use a kind tone of voice as you ask her: "Honey, what happened to you today?"

When Dad Became Human (Guest Blog by Emily Wierenga)

Today’s blog is written by a friend who has had a complicated relationship with her dad.
I first met Emily at an eating disorders conference when she and her brave father sat side by side on the platform and told their story.
Here she gives us an inside look into her longings as a daughter and how healing has come to her heart and life.
She models that relationships between dads and daughters are a work in progress.
This is an excerpt from her new memoir, God Who Became Bread: A True Story of Starving, Feasting, and Feeding Others.
~Michelle

He used to carry me. My father with the scratchy beard and the loud laugh, the kind that threw his head way back

He would carry me as he walked barefoot in Africa.
I would feel his heartbeat through his sweaty t-shirt.

We would visit the blind together and he would teach the men how to farm and then he would carry me home.

Soon I toddled after him on short legs in a bunchy diaper. I learned to walk in my father’s footsteps.

I chewed on sugar cane and watched him dig up the red soil.
Then my little hands would help him plant the seeds.
We gardened in the mornings and rested in the afternoons. An African siesta.

But when we moved back to Canada Dad became a distant thing, a man lost in becoming a pastor. Gone was the rugged missionary in bare feet. He spent months getting his doctorate and working in a skim milk factory to pay our bills. And then, when he finally donned the ministerial collar, we lost him to sermon-writing or to board meetings or to visiting people in the hospital.

I longed for the days of mango juice dripping down my chin and toddling happily after my dad in the warm clay dirt. I longed for my father’s head to throw back again in a great laugh.

Sometimes, after I’d had my bath, I would wait for Dad to come home.
I would sit on the stairs of the manse, in my nightgown, waiting.

He would come, but he wouldn’t see me, resting on the stairs. And he would slip into his office and I would cry myself to sleep.

Eventually I stopped waiting, and I stopped eating.

I didn’t know whose footsteps to follow anymore.

I’d lost my way.

For years God had looked like my dad to me and now, my dad was human, and God was faceless.

Yet into this loneliness stepped Abba.

I was thirteen and dying from anorexia nervosa. Nurses said I was a miracle at sixty pounds and five foot nine and when I heard that, I finally heard the voice of my heavenly father wooing me in the desert-place.

Abba had been waiting for me, this whole time. I just hadn’t seen Him. He began to spoon-feed me a love I’d been starving for. And He carried me so close I could feel His heartbeat.

Soon I began to toddle slowly after Him, following in my Father’s footsteps. I was barefoot on holy ground.

He taught me about good soil, taught me how to plant the seeds of the gospel. Together we visited the blind and helped them to see. Then we rested on the seventh day. A divine siesta.

His is the loudest laugh and it fills me so full, I’ll never go hungry again.

[If you want to read more of Emily’s new memoir, God Who Became Bread, you can order it HERE on Amazon.

Dads…her book would be a great gift for your daughter as she would be invited into real vulnerability as Emily gives hope to those who are in hard places.]