The Transformative 4-Word Question to Ask Your Daughter

Three years ago I came across an incredible book written by Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey titled, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing.

This book has been powerfully impactful in my clinical work as a trauma-informed therapist. Let me tell you why.

In most of my psychological graduate training (which was 7 years!), I was taught to diagnose and then implement the best treatment modalities to move people forward toward health and healing. In essence, the underlying (often unconscious) question we’ve been taught to ask is: “What’s wrong with you?” This drives us then to formulate treatment plans based on specific issues, resulting in optimum therapeutic interventions.

By way of contrast, Dr. Perry comes along and has turned everything upside down (in the best of ways!). He says this is the wrong question to ask when we approach people. The reason is that it not only begins with an underlying negative assumption of something being wrong with the other person, but it also narrows our focus on the problem rather than exploring what’s underneath a response.

Dr. Perry began to notice a significant positive shift in his work when he began approaching his patients, namely children, with an entirely different question. When he asked: “What happened to you?,” he essentially became:

• more curious and less critical

• more open and less oppositional (even if unintentionally)

• more inquisitive and less interrogating

• more helpful and less hindering

Now you may be wondering why I’m telling you, a GirlDad, about a book on trauma and the brain, trauma and resilience, especially when it comes to your relationship with your daughter. Let me tell you why.

If you approach your daughter with a desire to hear more of her story without an already-formed conclusion, she’ll feel the positive shift in you. She’ll be more willing to be vulnerable because she’ll feel your interest in more than just the problem and that you care about her.

You’ll connect with her heart in profound ways by simply shifting the underlying question you’re asking to: What happened to you?

• Then you’ll wonder why she overreacted as you wait to respond or react.

• You’ll approach her with warmth and grounded strength.

• You’ll begin the interaction with gentleness, not anger.

• You’ll be more willing to hear the story before giving a consequence.

• You’ll stay open to listening first before lecturing or correcting.

• You’ll assume something else is going on that she hasn’t told you.

Before I wrap up, here are six key takeaways as an overview of Dr. Perry’s work to support your goal to be a more dialed-in GirlDad:

1. The Power of Connection: Dr. Perry emphasizes the importance of positive, nurturing relationships in a child's life. As a dad, your ability to connect with your daughter on an emotional level is vital. Spend quality time together, listen actively to her thoughts and feelings, and create a safe space where she can express herself without fear of judgment.

2. Understanding Behavior: Children often communicate their needs and emotions through behavior. Instead of reacting to your daughter’s challenging behaviors, strive to understand what might be driving her. Is there an underlying fear, insecurity, or unmet need? Your patience and empathy can help her feel understood and supported.

3. Healing Through Presence: Your presence matters more than you might realize. Being consistently available and responsive builds a sense of security and trust in your daughter. Whether she's sharing her achievements or confiding in you during difficult times, your unwavering support can foster resilience and emotional well-being.

4. Recognizing the Impact of Adversity: Even if your daughter hasn't experienced severe trauma, everyday challenges can affect her development. Peer pressure, academic stress, and even the impact of societal expectations can shape her self-perception and outlook on life. By acknowledging these influences, you can offer guidance and encouragement as she navigates these realities.

5. Embracing Vulnerability: As fathers, you often feel pressure to be strong and stoic. However, showing vulnerability—sharing your own challenges and emotions—can deepen your bond with your daughter. It teaches her that vulnerability is a natural part of being human and encourages open communication.

6. Cultivating Resilience: Resilience isn't just about bouncing back from adversity; it's about growing stronger through life's challenges. Encourage your daughter to develop coping skills, problem-solving abilities, and a positive mindset. Your belief in her capabilities will empower her to face obstacles with courage and determination.

By seeking to understand your daughter's experiences and then responding with compassion and love, you can help her strengthen her resilience while you also grow in the process.

Dr. Bruce Perry reminds us that our actions, words, and presence have a lasting impact on our relationships. So Dad, remember to ask not just "What's wrong with you?" but to use a kind tone of voice as you ask her: "Honey, what happened to you today?"