20/20 Hindsight: One Dad's Honest Reflections Looking Back (Guest Blog)

Due to the vulnerable nature of this guest blog, I’m choosing
to keep the identity of my courageous friend anonymous.
It is with gratitude that I am sharing his honest reflections as a
father whose daughter paid the price for some unwise decisions
he made a few years ago. He described the process of writing
this as “actually therapeutic even though I had to pause a few
times as tears started to take over me,” which makes the gift of
his disclosure all the more valuable. I trust his honesty will lead
you to do the same. ~ Michelle 

Perspective is a funny thing. We often seem to have a more unique and revealing perspective the older we get and after mistakes you wish you could take back.  This is an account of my personal perspective that I wish I would have realized before the heartache myself and my family experienced.

As I was in my bonus room one day getting in a workout recently, I happened to look on our wall where my kid’s K-12 composite school pictures are displayed. I always enjoy looking at them and wish I could turn the clock back to the days of recent tooth fairy visits and self-inflicted haircuts.  

But today was different. 

As I looked at my daughter’s sweet middle-school face, I started to break down. Tears poured down my face as I was reminded of how selfish I was during those impressionable years of hers.  I recall the self-absorbed focus I had on having an affair and telling myself that being happy was what I deserved. I had no clue how my selfishness was going to send me on a journey I’d never wish on any parent---more on that in a moment.  

Once my unfaithful actions were discovered, the decision was made to move out and find an apartment. I continued to justify my selfishness by trying to spin happiness to my kids as they helped me move and decorate my cool (he says sarcastically) one-bedroom residence. Little did I know the damage I was unintentionally doing to my sweet 11-year-old whose world was being shattered in front of my blind eyes. 

As the next couple of years went on, the distance between myself and my daughter (and son) was evident. They saw the broken woman I was responsible for creating in their mom, which led to the indifference they showed me as I continued to live the double life of expressing my wish to reconcile while having my empty words be reflected in my actions.  

As my wife and I tried to put together the pieces of our relationship, it became evident that our daughter was making horrible choices to mask her pain, which included distancing herself from me (not to mention always making sure that everyone knew that her once-labeled hero--me--was a complete asshole) while continuing to head down a path of complete destruction. It was at that point we knew we had to do something---and fast! We made a seemingly unfathomable decision to send her to a boarding school in the middle of nowhere Montana in hopes we could save her from walking out our door and never seeing her again. 

The day the transport service drove out of my driveway with our daughter in the backseat was the day I experienced the most pain my heart has ever felt.
Unable to talk and barely breathe as I laid lifeless on her bedroom floor, I was overtaken by a heart-wrenching sob that was uncontrollable. I could only wonder how our lives ended up in this place.

Fast forward to today---after years of incredibly hard work by both my wife and I, along with our daughter, I’m beyond thrilled to say we came out on the other end stronger than ever as a family.

Looking back now, I’ll admit that although this was painful process, it was a good drill for me to listen to my daughter without rebuttal as I let her know her feelings were valid. I had to learn to be completely vulnerable without giving her reasons for why it happened and let her tell me what all of this did to her without being defensive. What I discovered is that as I began to let my guard down, I became less concerned about protecting myself and more concerned that she received everything I could possibly give her in her healing process. I committed to be completely at her disposal as she gave it to me from her most raw, open, and critical place. 

As I tie this experience all together, I think back to the day I referred to earlier where I was looking at the school pictures on my bonus room wall. Something came over me as I looked at my daughter’s sweet face where I just started weeping and thinking about what our family experienced.

That’s when I picked up my cell phone and called her. I could barely speak, and she could sense it. She asked what was wrong and I told her I just wanted to call and apologize for the heartache I caused those years ago. In her soft graciousness she said, “Dad, you’ve apologized enough, and I’ve already forgiven you. I love you and our relationship is amazing!” 

I can honestly say there was a day when I thought I’d never hear those words from her again.  

Perspective is a funny thing, indeed. 

If I had the opportunity (and knowledge) to stop my old self from making the mistakes I did, of course, I would---as would most of us. But since I can’t, I can only strive to be my best self, to love those close to me, and continue to trust God with the darkest of situations.

A Note to a Dad from the Darkness (Guest Blog by Don Blackwell)

My friend, Don Blackwell, shares a similar passion to mine in that he loves inspiring dads to intentionally engage with their daughters. Today I am honored to have him share this guest blog, a letter he’s written from the vantage point of a young woman who wants her dad to hear the deep longings of her heart.   
 
To set the stage for what you’re about to read, I want you to hear—in Don’s own words—
his motivation as a dad who seeks to champions other fathers with daughters. 
~Michelle

From Don:
“Michelle, thanks for sharing my post with your audience. I hope it will encourage dads to explore letter writing as a means of reaching their daughters’ hearts. I’m a BIG believer in letters, cards, and notes left in backpacks, on breakfast plates, under pillows, etc.  As important as heart-to-heart conversations are, spoken words too often dissipate in the air and lack staying power. Written words – of affirmation, apology, encouragement, etc. – are permanent. Daughters can keep them (most do) and keep referring back to them when they need them most.
 
I’ve had the privilege of listening to the hurting hearts of countless women – young and not-so-young – over the past decade. Many have been ravaged by eating disorders. All share one thing in common: Their desire to know that they are loved by their dad – unconditionally – and that he is proud of them. This letter was the result of a late night text message exchange with a incredible young woman who wasn’t sure of either.”
 
Dear Dad,

I’m not sure how I got to this very dark place.
And I’m even less sure how to navigate my way out of it.
I’m also not sure why I feel so worthless, like such a burden and so alone.

And I’m even less sure how to go about ridding myself of these feelings.
What I AM sure of, however, is how much I need you tonight.

I need a strong shoulder to cry on.

I need a voice I can trust to tell me everything’s going to be alright.

I need reassurance that the sun will come up tomorrow.

I need to be reminded that I’m good enough – “AS IS”.

I need a heart so filled with love that it has no space to be ashamed of me.

I need to know that, despite all that’s happened, I’m not a disappointment.

I need someone to check “under my grown up bed” and in the closet – the way you once did when I was a child and tell me it’s safe for me to go sleep.

I need to know I’m someone’s pride and joy – your pride and joy.

I need someone who will listen without judging me.

I need to know that I’m loved and that I matter.

I need you to show me the truth about me – again and again and again – until I can see it myself.

I need YOU, Dad.

I need you to hold hope for me.

I need you to light the way, to take my hand and walk with me out of this darkness.

I need to know I’m not alone in this fight.

~Your 22-Year-Old “Little Girl”

Don Blackwell is the dad of two adult children, Ashley and Greg, and a trial attorney at Bowman and Brooke, LLP in Dallas, Texas.
He also is the author of “Dear Ashley . . .” – A Father’s Reflections and Letters to His Daughter on Life, Love, and Hope and an avid blogger.
Don can be found on Twitter and Instagram @donblackwell4.

How to Talk with Your Daughter about Suicide

Hello friends…This is the longest blog I’ve ever written, but with this topic being in the forefront of our minds due to recent events, I have chosen to address this topic thoroughly. I pray that my story and this information will be helpful to you.
–-Michelle

 “How could she do this when she had everything going for her? It honestly makes no sense that she would end her life because she has a global empire and actually just launched her new clothing line today! Look here---I have ‘Kate Spade’ everything---sunglasses, wallet, and even my school bag is her brand. You remember that she’s the reason I want to go into fashion, right?”
 
These emotional words poured forth from the depths of her 17-year old broken and confused heart as we began our counseling session that Tuesday. Our appointment was only hours after she’d heard the news that her beloved icon hanged herself that morning in NYC. And though we were having this conversation 3000 miles away from the tragic epicenter, she felt the impact personally, as if she’d lost a close friend.
 
Beyond that, neither of us had any way of knowing that only three days later we would grieve another tragic suicide by hanging, that of Anthony Bourdain, internationally acclaimed celebrity chef and television host. 
 
Then, as if these tragic deaths weren’t devastating enough, the story took a heart-wrenching turn when I learned that both of these influencers left young daughters behind, 13-year old Francis Beatrix Spade and 11-year old Ariane Bourdain. One who will now be raised solely by her widower father while the other will grow up without the loving guidance of her adored dad. 
 
All I can say is that two suicides in a row are two suicides too many.
 
As you can imagine, I’ve had similar raw conversations in my counseling office around this theme since these two individuals passed. One of my clients even expressed her fear that she now wonders whether she’s strong enough to resist her own suicidal urges. She said that if celebrities still commit suicide despite having access to the best resources in the world, then how can she trust herself to withstand the emotional gale force winds that regularly pound within her?
 
Dr. Margo Maine captures it best: “statistics are people with the tears wiped away.” Her poignant way of expressing the human reality behind the numbers is underscored by the shocking fact that suicide rates have increased in the US by 25% in the past two decades, according to the CDC.

I’ve heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. True as that is, when someone has suffered for years, the enduring pain doesn’t necessarily feel temporary.

Additionally, when someone has lived with physical or mental torment for a long period of time, it can significantly alter different areas of their brain. When the limbic system (our emotional center) is over-stimulated and “on fire,” it releases substantial levels of stress hormones, which then flood the frontal lobe (where we make decisions and activate sound judgment), leading to that part of the brain being “offline.”
 
Consequently, these individuals often find it hard to believe there will ever be an end to their agony, resulting in a genuine struggle to think clearly when it comes to problem solving and working through their distress. All they want is for the pain to end.
 
I haven’t shared a lot publicly about my past mental health struggles (though God has opened more doors the past few years to tell my story), but the truth is that I’ve lived through years of internal distress that were locked inside me until my late 30’s. In fact, I was in counseling for eight straight years and it was an excruciating process of going back into my trauma history to face all the layers of impact from sexual and spiritual abuse.
 
Trust me when I say that I hated putting my time, money, and energy into weekly therapy when all I wanted to do was spend my time, money, and energy on anything but therapy. 
 
But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

• I now look back and know that investing in counseling was my way of putting value on myself. 

• I now look back and know that the costs on every level were necessary to my healing.

• I now look back and know that I had to feel to heal.

• I now look back and know that the only way out is through.

• I now look back and know that I am a survivor, not a victim.

The hope-filled reality is that our brains can heal. I’m living proof of that fact! (Here are two excellent articles that confirm this: 1. on neurogenesis and neuroplasticity and 2. on posttraumatic growth.)
 
More specifically with regards to my healing journey, I can honestly tell you that the torment I used to experience in my mind and emotions is no longer there, which translates to more calm and clarity. Of course I still have times of over-reacting, worrying, and the like, but overall there’s a settledness and true peace. Now I have the freedom to passionately move in ways that are in line with my God-given calling after years of feeling like I was going in circles despite my best efforts.
 
Also, I can confidently assert that the dissociative wiring inside my brain has been re-wired. Now I am grateful to experience an internally associated life without mental torment or dividedness. What this also means is that I am fully present to what I think and feel, and I have consistent joy that actually stays and holds! (If that sounds too good to be true or seems like it could never happen to you, I want to encourage you by saying that if healing could happen for me, it can happen for you too. Yes, it’s hard work…but it’s worth it in the end!)
 
Now let’s make this practical and personal. 
 
What do you do as a dad if you have a daughter you suspect may be suicidal? 
 
I’ll tell you some truths that have guided my responses to this question. When I started grad school in 1995, I wasn’t sure what to do or say if a counseling client admitted to being suicidal. But I can tell you that I was greatly comforted to learn key insights about navigating this complex topic, insights that still guide me as a clinician 21 years later:

1. It’s good to initiate the topic of suicide if you have even the slightest concern about someone, which will help that person know that it’s safe to talk openly with you. (Asking about suicide won’t plant the idea in their minds about it, but instead gives them permission to talk because “the cat’s out of the bag,” and they weren’t the one to initiate the conversation).

2. It’s good to disclose that you would be devastated if that person ever took their own life, including why it would matter to you. (I’ve teared up many times when disclosing my heart to suicidal clients, and typically this helps them release their tears while feeling that someone genuinely cares. Experts say that sometimes the individual will stay alive more for someone else than for themselves, and because I want to do everything possible to communicate compassionate care, I always remember this fact). 

3. It’s good to ask whether they feel like they want to die or if they have a suicide plan---because those are two different things. If there is a plan in place, you must take immediate action to contract regarding their safety, call their support network, or discuss hospitalization. (By asking the straight-forward question, “are you suicidal?” you are encouraging honesty. You also want to watch their body language because it also will significantly reveal what’s going on inside. Remember that it’s worth risking their anger at you for intervening in order to get them the help they truly need).

There’s one more important aspect to this topic that merits addressing. 

If we read the accounts from friends and family after they’ve lost a loved one, rarely, if ever, did any of them know the situation was dire prior to the catastrophic event. This has been repeatedly confirmed by those who interacted with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, as well as with those who knew Robin Williams four years ago and 28-year old Avicii recently. The pattern with all of them appears to be consistent: the pain is easy to hide and “putting on a good face” is an act, not their reality. This tells me that it’s wisdom to know what to look for so there is greater symptom awareness to reveal if someone may be sinking into despair.
 
Here are signs that could signal a deeper intensity than meets the eye (be sure to look and listen for these things in groupings, not individually):

• Withdrawal/more isolation (when someone feels desperate and alone, it’s easy to push people away because they don’t have the energy or capacity to engage and talk)

• Changes in sleeping patterns (a lot more or a lot less)

• Lack of enjoyment in activities that used to bring joy

• Depression (especially when the chronic sadness has lasted for more than two months)

• Feelings of hopelessness (listen for anything that sounds like they’re giving up or saying that life isn’t worth living anymore)

• Self-injurious behaviors (which, in and of themselves, aren’t always a cry for help, but when paired with other symptoms, are worth noting---whether cutting, reckless sexual activity, excessive spending, or anything where caution is thrown to the wind)

• Increases in substance use/addictive behaviors (use of drugs, alcohol, gaming, or eating disorders, to name a few, can be used to numb pain, particularly if other coping strategies aren’t working well or haven’t yet been learned)

• Cancelling appointments/not keeping commitments (this could be a sign of disconnection from people or from causes that used to have value)

• Lack of motivation (particularly in areas that once brought a sense of purpose and meaning)

• Friends or public figures recently committing suicide (when someone is battling with suicidal thoughts, there is power in suggestion when there was a “successful” end to someone’s pain)

Take a big deep breath. (I’m serious).
 
Dad, I realize that this topic is heavy and intense. And I know this is a lot to take in. I acknowledge that it may be something you don’t want to talk about or look at. But you have to meet your daughter where she is at because the world she lives in is impacted all too often by suicide. Out of love for your daughter, you need to delve into these depths with her so she’s not left to tread these waters alone. 

Please believe me when I say that talking with her about what she’s feeling and fearing will go a long way to helping her release questions and emotions inside herself while being able to gain perspective from you in the process. 

If you want to initiate a conversation with your daughter about the topic of suicide, here are some suggestions to get you started:

1. Let her read this blog and ask if anything resonates with her, whether experiences or thoughts she’s having now or has had in the past.

2. Gently, yet boldly, ask, “Are you suicidal or have you ever been suicidal?” If she’s not struggling in this area, she most likely won’t be reactive. If she has a strong negative reaction, it could suggest that she’s hiding something from you…and even from herself. 

3. Watch together Anderson Cooper’s town hall on suicide that recently aired (6.24.18).

4. Let her know your story if you or someone you know has ever struggled with being suicidal or had suicidal thoughts. Though you may think you’re protecting her by not sharing about your past, the reality is that you are modeling that pain can be worked through and there is life on the other side. Let her know what you did to cope and what you wish you’d done differently. I assure you that your story will give her hope and she’ll entrust you with more of hers because she’ll trust that you won’t judge her since you’ve been through it yourself.

5. Never get angry with her for disclosing that she’s feeling suicidal or struggling in this area. Never let your fear or sadness be expressed as frustration or anger. Never tell her she’s being stupid or foolish to want to end her life. Only show compassion and empathy. Listen hard and listen well. 

6. Put your money where your heart [treasure] is. Offer to pay for counseling. Tell her that you will do everything possible to find her a good counselor (by calling her insurance company for her, asking for referrals from friends, offering to drive her to appointments or to pay for Uber or Lyft to transport her if she’s unable to drive herself).

7. Assure her that if she ever has suicidal thoughts, urges, or a plan that you want her to call you 24/7. Let her know you will find a way to connect with her or get her help at any time, day or night, if she is at that point of intensity, feeling hopeless and all alone. 

Though this was a lot to take in, the truth is that there’s still a lot more that I could say! But at the same time it feels like there’s just not enough words to truly capture all that I want to say. So I’ll close with one my favorite acronyms for HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends. 
 
Wait, I do have one more thing to add! 
 
The truest truth I can leave you with is this: Jesus and Abba Father God will hold your daughter when you can’t hold onto her yourself. And they promise to take the pain and sadness away bit by bit, exchanging beauty for ashes...and that is ultimately how pain ends.

———————-
 
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) is available 24/7 across the United States.

What Men Think About #MeToo : The Top 6 Reactions

My brilliant and wise friend, Shaunti Feldhahn, lends her voice to this ongoing conversation about sexual harassment against women. As a social researcher, she sheds light on what men have to say about the #MeToo movement. I believe you’re going to resonate with her findings and love her work as much as I do!   —Michelle

Suddenly, the lights turned on. Sexual harassment has always been there, in the shadowy corners of Hollywood and corporate America. Many people talk about honoring women yet have long excused (or winked at) abusive behavior.  But the Harvey Weinstein case flipped a switch. Suddenly: klieg lights. Suddenly: people are actually losing their jobs.

Wow.  

This is a sea change for our culture. This is a moment. And as a social researcher (who for 15 years has been hearing the innermost things people think but rarely say) I wanted to know what folks’ private thoughts were about this. I generally know what women think (a combination of relief, giddiness, and serves you right). But I was particularly curious what men think about the #MeToo tsunami.

Here’s what I found.

Thought #1: I had no idea
I interviewed three men in an airport a few days ago. They were tired after a long day at a board meeting and eating a hasty Chinese food dinner before catching flights home to Seattle, Dallas, and Atlanta.  Their top reaction matches the top reaction of nearly every other man I’ve interviewed: I had no idea.  I had no idea it was this pervasive.  I had no idea you as women had to deal with this so consistently.  I feel so bad.

Not long after the #MeToo movement started, one man told me, “I think my female co-workers have tried to tell me about stuff that happened in other jobs, but I just assumed it was isolated. Sort of the same thing you’d feel if someone told you they got hit by a car. ‘Oh that must have been so painful. Glad that doesn’t happen very often!’”  

As one of the airport road warriors put it, “I’m still trying to figure out how to wrap my head around the fact that there’s been this whole parallel reality that I knew nothing about.”

Thought #2: So now I’m angry — and I’m glad I have permission to say something about it
One thing I learned about men during the For Women Only research study, is that most men have a deep compulsion to provide for and protect those they care about. While most of that compulsion goes toward providing for and protecting their family (71% of men say it that is always or often on their mind, in case you’re curious), that same instinct wants to protect all those who are more vulnerable.  Which is what makes this doubly galling for all the good guys out there.  Women were being hurt right under their noses: and because they had no idea (or didn’t realize what a big deal it was), they failed to protect them.

Many of the men I spoke to were angry. Not in a “I’m going to go all Braveheart on you” sort of way, but in a quieter, simmering, “I’m now going to be on the lookout for this” sort of way. There was a sense of purpose: that if they saw it now, at least they could do something about it.

Thought #3: Shame
A lot of men have realized they’ve seen truly abusive behavior right in front of their eyes and downplayed or discounted it as no big deal. Like seeing one gregarious, raunchy boss who regularly did things like look at a news article about safe sex and joke to the gang – including the one woman – that having safe sex meant providing kneepads. Seeing… and never saying anything about it.

These men are now reckoning with the reality that what they personally observed (or heard about) was not just a coarse, unprofessional approach but in some cases true abuse. That over time those behaviors have real consequences for a woman’s thoughts, fears, worries, and even job prospects. That by downplaying it they failed to protect women who needed it (per Thought #2). 

Many of these men are doing some soul searching. How could I ever have thought that it was not that big of a deal?  They ask themselves. How could I have ever thought the woman should have to be the one to just ignore it or brush it off? Would I want some guy saying that stuff around my daughter? Would I want my wife to have to play along in order to not rock the boat? Would I want my daughter’s colleagues to excuse it just because its always been that way?

Famed director Quentin Tarantino, who worked with Harvey Weinstein on nearly all his films, had a telling mea culpa in a New York Times interview.  He said he had heard the rumors that Weinstein was a bit lecherous, but “I chalked it up to a ’50s-’60s era image of a boss chasing a secretary around the desk… As if that’s O.K. That’s the egg on my face right now.”

Thought #4: Who’s next? I’ll bet there are some men quaking in their boots right now. 
The question that many of us are asking — “Who’s next? Which domino will be the next to fall?” — is definitely in the minds of the average guy. And just like with women I talk to, I hear a savage satisfaction from men in knowing there are some abusers out there who are going to their jobs every day, wondering whether or when they will be reported for previous actions. 

One guy put it well. “It’s the same thing that you feel when the bad guy gets it at the end of the movie. If I was working in a corporate environment, and I had a skeleton in my past, I’d be living with a lot of looking over my shoulder.” After all, the first punishment of the guilty mind is waiting to be found out. 

Thought #5: But this means I have to restrain genuine affection for, respect for, and togetherness with female colleagues
There’s an inevitable downside to any good movement, and this is it for this one.  Nearly all the men mentioned this concern.  A single law partner who is genuinely interested in exploring a personal relationship with a junior associate is going to hold himself back.

She might be sensing some attraction and hoping he’ll reach out, but if she’s junior, she sure won’t say anything – and now he might not either.  An honorable man who would otherwise suggest that a female colleague join him to close the Boston deal is going to think twice.  After all, it will only be the two of them in the hotel.  And forget those genuine but platonic workplace hugs.  

As one guy ruefully put it, “It’s the law of unintended consequences.  The course correction needs to happen, but I worry that the men who care the most – who already were being careful – are the ones likely to hold themselves back even more!  And that could drain away the feeling of camaraderie at work.  I hope the pendulum doesn’t swing too far.”

Thought #6: Finally, the good guys win… or at least aren’t losing
And finally, I’m also hearing an interesting, very private thought from many of these men. If they have not played it fast and loose over the years, if they have tried to be honorable, if they have been respectful of women … they have often watched men who did the opposite rocket past them in their careers.  So as one man put it, “I am all for this moment in history.  I think it is grand. Because it feels like, for once, the good guys aren’t losing. So many of the bad guys got ahead by disregarding the right thing in a lot of ways.  By trying to be straight up, a lot of good men got sidelined.  But now, finally, there’s a cost to the wrong attitude.”

Another had a more personal observation, “I hope you can share that there are a lot of men who try to honor our wives, and women in general. We take that seriously. We may not be getting recognition for that.  We may have done poorly in comparison to other guys because we wouldn’t join the locker-room crowd. But that’s okay. I love that I can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience.”

---

Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, and For Men Only). Copyright ©Shaunti Feldhahn. Used with permission.

Turning the Light on 50 Shades Darker

I’m going to be blunt today, right out of the gate. My question to you as a father is this: Where is your daughter learning about sex?

The reality is that she’s learning about sex constantly. I know you’re already aware of that fact (which no doubt terrifies you), so this probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise. And if you’re like many dads I’ve talked with, you may not even want to think about the possibility of your daughter being sexually active.

Yet everywhere your daughter turns she is being bombarded with sex: on magazine covers, in sitcoms and movies, and in conversations--- at school, the gym, with friends, on dates, her workplace, and on it goes. Sexual content is so powerfully pervasive that at times it seems like it’s in the air we breathe. To say that the sexual dial has been turned up across our country is an understatement.

The time is now for you as a dad to enter into this conversation with your daughter, even if it is a bit uncomfortable for you. Why? Because she’s learning about sex somewhere, so why not from you?

Maurice Hilliard was a women’s basketball coach at Pepperdine for ten years in the early 2000’s and often found himself unexpectedly designated to a “dad role” with the girls on his team. He conducted a survey of 720 teenage girls and found that:

• 97% of the girls said that having parents a teen could talk to could help reduce teen pregnancy in general

• 93% said that having loving parents they could talk to did reduce their own risk of teen pregnancy

• 76% said that their fathers were very or somewhat influential on their decision to have sex.

With three-quarters of young women saying that their dads matter when it comes to their sexual choices, clearly it is vital that you as a dad seriously consider “kicking it up a notch” to engage your daughter in honest conversation about sex. If you, as a guy and male role model don’t talk to her about sex, she will learn about it everywhere and anywhere else. She needs you to speak into her life about this topic.  

Why am I talking about this today?

It ties to the release of the movie 50 Shades Darker that debuted just two weeks ago today. And no, I haven’t seen it or it’s prequel, 50 Shades of Grey, which are both based on a best-selling trilogy about a lot more than just sex within a committed relationship. From what I’ve heard, between movies one and two the sexual interactions have grown increasingly aggressive, intense, and raw, which begs the question:

What made Fifty Shades of Grey the most searched movie in 2015, earning $571 million worldwide? And what made 50 Shades Darker dominate Valentine’s Day last week with $12 million in revenue on just that one day?

Before the movie debuted, I watched an interview with the male lead, Jamie Dorman, who plays Christian Grey. Jamie said that his character has “a voracious sexual appetite,” and to prepare for his role he not only met prostitutes, but even spent a night in an S&M dungeon.

I’m guessing that most of us have an idea of what S&M means, but in keeping with the honest nature of this blog, here are definitions of sadism and masochism, just to ensure that we’re all talking about the same thing. Sadism means that you get pleasure from inflicting pain on someone by humiliating them, and masochism means that you get pleasure from receiving pain or by being humiliated, which specifically can include spanking, whipping, being tied with ropes or chains, being locked up in cages, breast torture, blood play, vaginal torture, hot wax, asphyxiation, restraints, gags, and on it goes. Additionally, there are designated roles as a dominant or a submissive during these erotic rituals.

Are you as disturbed by this as I am?!

Humiliation and torture: These two words jump off the page at me; I imagine they do to you, too. If your daughter is conditioned to believe that dishonor and degradation, cruelty and brutality are acceptable components of an intimate exchange, she will not be able to stand strong as an empowered, vibrant, confident, healthy young woman. If this is how your daughters are learning they deserve to be treated--during sex or elsewhere--I assure you that our society will disintegrate from within and our foundation will crumble. Just ask someone who has been sexually abused to share her story and you will hear how sexual assault and injury have wreaked havoc on her self worth and self esteem. Once done, the damage can be lifelong.

Further, I fail to understand how this type of disrespectful, potentially abusive sexual interaction is being touted as typical, normal, and mainstream by the very nature of it being celebrated in this blockbuster film. I acknowledge that some might say that S&M in it’s true form is consensual. Yet as a licensed professional counselor of 20 years, I tend towards believing that there is often a traumatic backstory for those who engage in this type of behavior, thus leading me to assert that “consensual” is a relative term.

I ask myself: How can a movie like this possibly be a source of education about sex while normalizing this kind of behavior? Adding to that reality is the fact that marriage is rarely presented as a significant moral value in relation to sexual interactions anymore. Sadly, sometimes it feels like there’s no turning back when it comes to cultural norms around this issue, which deeply and profoundly breaks my heart, especially when in my counseling office I hear gut-wrenching stories of sexual exchanges gone wrong, resulting in detrimental impacts on women.

Then this week I read an article in People Magazine about Jamie Dorman regarding his experience of playing Christian Grey. I was shocked to learn that not only does he not endorse Christian’s approach to sex, but he doesn’t even think his wife would want to see the movie. He is clearly profiting from the ravenous sexual appetites of his viewers while simultaneously opposing that which he has invested in. The article continues by nonchalantly transitioning from content about his “experimenting with some rather complicated bedroom accessories” during filming to then talking about things “getting even more animated” at home with his wife and two young daughters, ages three and one, while watching their two favorite movies, Frozen and Trolls.

Did you catch that he’s a dad to two little girls? Jamie Dorman is a father to two young, vulnerable daughters, and he has chosen to endorse S&M by putting his name and reputation behind such activity. I have to wonder if his girls will ever watch these movies one day, and if so, is this how he wants them to learn about sex? Does he want his precious treasures to be treated in ways that he has modeled throughout some of the 118 minutes of this film?

Lest we mistakenly assume that this theme is tied only to these two present day movies, there are actually new sexual apps springing up everyday. And if you have a daughter between the ages of 13 and 29 (according to research), there is a strong likelihood that she has already been asked to send a nude selfie, making her incredibly vulnerable to exploitation and cyberbullying. In fact, this kind of exchange is now often considered a typical part of a relationship, and sexual hookups are increasingly considered par for the course.

I’ve not ever spoken out this strongly in a blog before, where I’m calling out someone I’ve never met on his lifestyle choices. But I am so disturbed by what this recent movie portrays that I cannot stay silent. Moreover, I appeal to you as a father: You have to address this issue, sex, with your daughter.

Please don’t assume that your daughter has clarity on this subject, particularly if you haven’t been a part of the conversation with her. Never conclude that she is immune from devastating, life-long impacts should she engage in sexual activity at an early age. Sexual exploration is a dangerous new norm, and she needs you to help protect her.

Dad, if you’re ready to tackle this subject with your daughter, here are some suggestions:

1. Tell her your wishes, hopes, dreams, and expectations for how she should be treated, sexually and otherwise. If you don’t tell her directly, she won’t know. She needs to hear your words in order to know your heart.

2. Let her know that you believe she is worthy of being treated with respect, with dignity and honor, while communicating your hope that she will never tolerate humiliation or torture in a romantic relationship. Again, if you don’t say it directly, she won’t know exactly what you’re thinking on this issue. If you affirm her worth and value, it will stick with her long after you’ve said the words.

3. In an age appropriate way, tell her a story of someone you’ve known (it could even be you) who didn’t navigate a relationship wisely and had to learn the hard way. Being honest with your daughter can go a long way towards letting her know you’ve not always been perfect, which could then set the foundation for future conversations should she need to come to you with a need at some point down the road.

4. Invite her to write out her “minimum dating requirements,” which are those absolute relationship deal breakers should she ever be asked, forced, or pressured to engage in activities that don’t sit right in the core of her being. Start the conversation early, even as young as fourth or fifth grade. For extra credit, help her write this out, followed with asking if she will let you hold her accountable to keep her standards high in each of these areas. Then check in with her a couple times a year.

5. Treat your daughter the way you want her to be treated…always. When she experiences being treated well by you, she will expect that same treatment from others, especially guys. Remember that more is caught than taught. Letting her experience honorable treatment from you is better than any lecture you could give her.

Dads, I know this is a tough subject to address, and yet honestly, we’ve just barely scratched the surface today. It’s time to turn the lights on so you can see the potentially treacherous sexual dynamics that swirl around your daughter and choose to courageously open up this conversation with her.

Truthfully, this is too important to ignore. Your daughter’s future depends on it.

The Day My Pastor Made Me Cry

With tears streaming down my face I hugged my pastor, giving him the biggest hug I'd ever given him after his Sunday morning sermon.

“Thank you for having the courage to stand up there and say it. Thank you for being a voice of truth today.” I could barely eek out the words, but my grateful heart fueled my meager words.

“You could have preached this message,” he said warmly.

“No,” I asserted, “it needed to come from you. You had to be the one to address this, not me.”

Pastor Randy told our congregation that day that he was going to be preaching on a subject that hadn't been the focus of an entire sermon in our church’s 50-plus-year history: sexual abuse and sexual assault.

He didn’t downplay the severity of impact of sexual violation.
He didn’t blame the victims of sexual crimes.
He didn’t give pat answers to the hard questions that are woven through this intense issue.

Sitting in the pew I had known what was coming because he had informed me a few days earlier. He knew I had a vested interest due to my counseling experience. But truth be told, the significance of this issue isn’t just because I’m a mental health specialist; this is much more personal.

Most often in my Dad-Daughter Friday blogs I seek to bring practical ideas to you as dads that I trust will enhance your relationship with your daughters. Yet today I’m going to be moving in a slightly different direction. I want to share some of my story with you.

There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it: I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

First, I want you to notice that I used the word ‘survivor’ rather than ‘victim.’ Actually, a more accurate way to say it is that I am a ‘thriver’ of sexual abuse. It’s important to me that you know I’ve not just survived sexual trauma, but I have been able to thrive because of it. Yes, you heard me right. I am who I am, where I am, and doing what I’m doing because of what I’ve been through, not in spite of it. I have much more empathy for others because now my deep trench of woundedness that used to dictate the way I live no longer exists, and for me it's been healing to accept truth that roots in my relationship with God.

Now you have a bit of the backstory to provide a context for why it meant so much to have my pastor stand in the pulpit and lend his voice of support, not only to me, but to a large portion of our congregation who shares a similar history. As I’ve perused the literature to find current statistics from national agencies on this topic, I’ve read that on average there are 288,820 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States, which translates to 20 million women, or 18% of our population (not including guys who are also victimized). This means that at least 20 million fathers have daughters who have been molested.

I’ve also read that one out of every four girls and one out of every six boys is sexually abused before the age of 18. Sadly, many of my colleagues and I have found in clinical practice that these numbers appear to be low, especially when we factor in data from the U.S. Department of Justice which states that only 30% of sexual abuse victims report these crimes. Yet regardless of the exact numbers, I can say from personal experience that it’s heartbreaking to live with intense internal distress due to what someone else has done to cause harm and not have those atrocities addressed in church.

Whether or not you’re one who likes church, believes in God or a Higher Power, or reads the Bible, I hope you can appreciate what I’m saying about the powerful impact this had on me when my pastor choose to boldly say from the pulpit,
 

“When I look in 2 Samuel 13 at the rape by Amnon to his half-sister Tamar, one of the hardest parts of this story is the silencing of the victim.” (I agree).

“Not only that, but if the church is silent on this issue then people will believe that God is silent.” (I agree).

     “And this morning we're not going to silence Tamar!”

He went on to say that to stop sexual abuse, we must:

1. Hear the stories of victims in order to GIVE THEM THEIR VOICE BACK.
2. Believe their stories.
3. Look at the power structures that exist.
4. Resist passivity (he spoke primarily to dads here).
5. Protect passionately (again, he was speaking directly to fathers).

Did you notice that these last two items were addressed specifically to dads? Resist passivity and protect passionately. What do these directives mean exactly? Let me share my thoughts.

I’ll begin with a story told by my friend Kendra, one that she has given me permission to share. When she was four or five years old, her dad walked in and found an older boy sexually abusing her. He got angry and they never talked about it again. That left her confused about what his anger meant. Was he angry with her? Was this her fault? Despite her questions and confusion, what she knows now is that this early childhood experience shaped her future relationships with guys and led to confused sexual boundaries, not to say anything about what it did to her relationship with her dad.

Please hear me when I say that when a father chooses to never talk about a sexual violation that his daughter has experienced, it messes her up inside. Big time. I guarantee that she will believe that she did something to cause it and that it’s her fault. And she will not only know that what happened to her was bad; even worse, she’ll believe that she is bad.

Dad, resist taking a passive stance and choose to walk into this conversation, uncomfortable as it may be for you.

You want to ensure that your daughter doesn’t internalize the implied or directly stated destructive messages from the abuse or her abuser. If you never tell her the truth from your vantage point, she will be left to navigate this on her own, which rarely leads to a positive conclusion. Her faulty beliefs based in lies will negatively shape her self-esteem, self-confidence, and her identity for years to come.

Secondly, Dad, protect her passionately. This means taking the time to do whatever it takes to find out what’s really going on inside your daughter in this area of sex and sexuality:

• Look into her eyes and read what they are saying. You will see whether she is hurting or thriving by simply getting close enough to look at her.

• If she is a minor, don’t be afraid to check her phone. Even if she throws a fit, make sure to keep tabs on what is being said and what pictures are being exchanged.

• Don’t stop there. Check her computer from time to time. Look at her history to see what she’s watching and what she’s drawn to on the internet. Talk with her afterwards. Teach her how to think, not just what to think, as your input shapes her choices.

• Meet the guy she is spending time with or dating. Look into his eyes; they’ll tell you a lot about his motives and character. You want him to fear that if he violates your daughter, he’ll be held accountable by you. That’s why you want to meet him early in their friendship/relationship. Don’t believe her when she tells you that there’s nothing going on between them because usually there is if he’s hanging around a lot. Let him know that your daughter is your treasure and you expect him to treat her with honor.

• Spend time regularly talking with her about the little, seemingly unimportant things to set a foundation for when “the biggees” need to be addressed (dating, curfews, friends, boys, spending limits, car usage, house rules, scholastic objectives, future plans, life goals, spirituality, God, convictions, etc.).

• Find out what your daughter loves and create ways to connect with her by doing those things. One dad recently told me that his high school daughter loves coffee. He “speaks her language” by treating her to coffee, which provides a space for spontaneous conversation while they’re both sipping a cup of java.

Remember that “the best defense is a good offense.” Spend time pursuing your daughter’s heart by listening, looking in her eyes, and loving her in tangible ways (which most often involves money, whether it’s taking her out for coffee or a meal, to a movie or the mall).

One more thing: I can assure you that as a woman with a sexual abuse history, it was very hard for me to share my story with my dad. And he really struggled to hear it because he had to face the fact that he wasn’t able to protect me or stop it. I’m telling you this part of my story because it’s important for you to know. I’m guessing you’ll probably feel the same way should you hear something similar from your daughter.

I encourage you to find a time to navigate this topic with your girl and initiate the conversation where you ask if anything has ever happened to her in the area of being sexually violated. Let her know that if she ever has something to tell you in this arena, you are there for her, you won’t get angry with her (that’s key), you will believe her, and that you will support her through the healing process. Telling the story is the first step to healing.

And rest assured that if your daughter cries when opening up this subject, it reveals that she is connecting to her deepest, truest self while feeling real emotion. And by giving her your listening ear, wrapped in compassion, you are making a forever deposit into her heart space.

Remember…tears are good. And because they have salt in them, they really do enhance the healing process.

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