How to Talk with Your Daughter as She Processes the Events of January 6th

Little did I know when I wrote my blog two weeks ago titled, “Just Ask the Butterfly”, that I’d immediately need to put into practice the very things I wrote about. I was focused on the importance of looking back at 2020 to see where we grew and got stronger while stretching our wings to break free from the cocoon so we could fly higher with new views.

Then January 6th happened: A protest gone wrong at the Capitol in Washington, DC.

I want to say here at the start that I’m not taking a political stand. I’m not presenting a case that leans right or left. That’s not the point of my blog today.

I don’t believe this is the time to get into debates about being blue or red. Instead, I believe this is a critical time to stand united as father and daughter, even if your political views differ. This is the time for you to lean in to take care of each other like never before.

If we want to see our nation move towards healing, it starts at home.

I’ve been doing some heavy pondering this past week and I imagine that your daughters (even yourselves) are in deep thought as well. None of us know what things will look like tomorrow, next week, or even next month.

Based on interactions I’ve been having, here’s what I would like to say on behalf of your daughters:

• They are scared

• They don’t know who to be angry at

• They don’t know who to trust

• Their emotions are spilling over into anything and everything, often with responses and reactions that are inappropriate to the situation at hand

• They don’t know what their future will look like because the country as they’ve known it feels different than ever before

As most of you know, I published a second book last year titled, “Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters” with 60 scripts for you to dialogue with your daughters. Can I just tell you that it never even crossed my mind to include a template for you as fathers to interact with your girls on the state of the nation.

But here we are now.

I believe there’s no better time than the present for you to encourage your daughter to talk to you while you listen. After all, we never forget the people who are truly there for us when we’re in the storm, do we?

Right now is the right time for you to interact with your daughter because (as you’ve heard me say many times…so I’m quoting myself here from Let’s Talk) “the more you’re a sounding board without trying to fix your daughter’s problems while she vents and expresses herself, the more you’ll help her process her emotions and experiences….and you’ll see that a power takes root in a daughter when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters.”

So, enough of me talking.

Now it’s up to you to encourage your daughter to talk…to you and with you.

I want you to text or call your daughter right now to set up a time to connect with her (either in person or remotely) so that you can listen, validate, love, and support her during this tumultuous time. I assure you that she’s feeling the intensity in the atmosphere right now, and who better to be there for an extra dose of TLC than you?

Then when you get together, use this following script to go deeper with her while you intentionally choose to:

• listen without lecturing

• be kind without correction

That said, I challenge you to bring this script with you as you engage your daughter in conversation. These questions are designed for you to encourage her to open up because it will help her figure things out as she gives them a voice. Then feel free to share your thoughts and feelings with her…if she’s open to hearing you, that is.

I’d love to hear how it goes. We’re in this together and I’m cheering you on!

Dad, if you want to download the pdf of these questions, click here

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How to Talk with Your Daughter as She Processes the Events of January 6th

“Hi Honey…It’s an understatement to say this has been an intense week in our nation. I feel it and I know you do too. Can we find a time to meet up sometime in the next week with a goal to support each other? I’m not wanting this to be a time where we debate, but more just to connect as dad and daughter. What do you say? I’ll flex with your schedule. What day and time works best for you?”

1. January 6th was an unexpected day in our nation’s capital. What was that day like for you as you saw and heard the media posting stories and showing footage of protestors storming the Capitol with violence, destruction, shootings, etc.?

2. There are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. What emotions were you feeling then and which of these have you felt since then?

3. What has made you feel sadness about all that’s taken place nationally or locally (if there is local impact, that is)?

4. Does anything make you angry when you think about all that happened there…or in our city at a local level?

5. Does anything scare you about all that went down that day or do you worry about anything happening in the future, particularly when it comes to safety, civil unrest, protests, riots, etc.?

6. What about your own future? Is there anything that you fear as you look ahead based on these kinds of events and this one in particular?

7. Is there anything you wish would have been done differently by those who were on site in Washington, D.C. as they were trying to protect the Capitol and those inside it?

8. What are your thoughts about protests? How do you think people should go about expressing their opinions and making their voices heard to those in authority….or to anyone else, for that matter?

9. Do you have any other thoughts, opinions or feelings about what’s happening in America?

10. The political climate in our country is hot and volatile right now. Is there any way that I can be a better support to you or encourage you in this season?

“Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with me. I want you to know that you can always come to me to process anything at any time. I want to be a safe place where you know you’ll be heard no matter what. The bottom line is this: Seasons come and go, leaders and platforms change, but at the end of the day, we’re family and I want you to rest secure in knowing that I have your back through it all. I love you and am here for you…love, Dad.”

He Came, In Pieces: A Guest Blog by Taylor Smith (Copy)

Taylor Smith is a dear friend, a true inspiration, and a gifted communicator. I invited her to write a guest blog today to shed light on what it’s like to navigate life after the death of her father. She reminds us that the legacy we leave behind speaks powerfully even after we’re gone. 
~Michelle

I got a call from you today.

Well, sort of.

“Hi, Taylor. I came across a file of your dads. Looks like it contains some personal things. I thought you might like to have it.”

“What? I mean, yes. Yes. I would like to have it. I would love to have it, actually.”

“Great. I’m glad I was able to track you down, Taylor. I hope all is well.”

CLICK.

Dad, that is so your style,
unannounced,
coming in right outta the middle of nowhere,
all of your 78-inches somehow stuffed into this bulky, white envelope, which my fingers gripped so tight my knuckles turned white.

I wasn’t expecting you to arrive this way.

I mean, I think about you every day, but I didn’t think I’d be sitting on my living room floor, holding onto what I could only assume were
pieces of you,
in some forgotten file folder that was left in a sea of other forgotten file folders somewhere in a closet.

But here it was.
Here you were.
Uninvited and undeniably commanding the center of my attention in a matter of seconds
in a way that no one else could.

When I slid my finger under the envelope’s opening, I was holding my breath.
And I’m pretty sure I still wasn’t breathing when I tipped the envelope down and a red folder slid into my lap.

Open it, Taylor. Come on. Just do it.

But it’s not that easy, you see.
Because it wasn’t just a matter of opening a folder that contained some of my dad’s things –

Opening this folder also meant opening up part of my soul,
the deep, hidden part that craves just one more day,
one more hour
to create a last precious father-daughter memory.
And that’s a really raw place to tear open.
So it’s really not that easy.

But I did it.

The first piece of paper was a letter circa early 2000.
The letterhead stated Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.

It said,
“Dear Arthur, as you know, because of your outstanding contribution to the sport of swimming in the state of Arkansas, you have been inducted into the Arkansas Swimming Hall of Fame.”

Whoa. Hold up. Dad, this is a BIG DEAL. Why didn’t you tell me about this??

The letter went on to talk about my dad’s swimming career, most of which I already knew, but when it was there, printed on this formal letter, it made my eyes go wide, my heart swell with pride.

Dad, you were the dark horse, the unheard of swimmer who somehow conquered it all. You were nationally ranked, a five-time All American. You were a champion.

You were so much more than a swimmer, Dad, but I am so proud that you didn’t let your inexperience in the swimming world hold you back. You did it. You worked so hard and you made your mark.

So with this mysterious folder, business was off to a good start. But who knew what else was buried in the pile.

Mechanically, I reached for the next thing in the stack- a card “For a Son Who’s Loved So Much.”

It was a “just because” card from my dad’s mom, who I called my nana.

Nana and I weren’t super close. We never really had the opportunity to be, living more than a thousand miles apart. To tell you the truth, I always thought that I would never be able to relate to her – a sophisticated Southern woman and me, a prank-loving, spontaneous-dancing, free-spirit child.

But reading her words allowed me to learn more about my nana –and her relationship to her son, my dad- than I had ever known.

“Words cannot express my love for you – it grows every year, if that is even possible. How I cherish the loving memories of your childhood (rosy red cheeks that looked as good as apples)… You are my Guardian Angel.”

Wow, Dad. You and nana must have been really close. I know I didn’t know her very well, but she really loved you. I’m so glad that you were so loved by your mom – that she thought the world of you. Because you so deserved that, Dad. You really did.

The next few things were business documents that didn’t mean much to me,
but behind those pages were what I had been hoping for, yet not hoping for,
the really personal stuff.

The stack of cards that I was holding in my hands wasn’t just my dad,
it was my mom, too – letters she had written him from their nearly 15 years of marriage.

I tell you, this folder was the most beautiful gift.

I learned a lot about my dad,
about some things that he was too humble to share,
about him as a son and as a husband,
a man who was deeply loved, deeply passionate, and all together, deeply deep.
Yup. That was my dad. One deep dude.

I finished reading the cards and closed the folder, only wishing that there had been just a few more cards, a few more keepsakes or napkin-scribbled notes that could bring more of him back to me.

When you lose someone you love, there are
days when your heart is heavy,
days when you just need a good cry, or scream,
days when you are angry at their not being there,
days when your memories of them bring you this amazing warmth,
days when you shout thanksgiving praise that you even got to know them at all.

Then there are days like this one,
when you receive the blessing of a mysterious file folder, filled with things you never would have asked for -had a genie granted you five wishes- and you find yourself rolling on the floor, laughing, thinking that

I have the best dad ever. Thank you, God. Thank you for this moment, too. I will always remember it. I will always remember you, Dad.

Love, Taylor

How to Help Your Daughter Find Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland. But then again, maybe you have! 

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

At first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, Dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, a teenage Alice Kingsleigh, who inadvertently tumbles down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards (all references to adolescent stages of maturity are merely coincidental!). Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is supported by the quirky Mad Hatter (played by Johnny Depp) who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.” 

Then he hits a home run insult by adding, “you’ve lost your “muchness.”

When I first heard that line, it wrapped itself instantly around my core, even as an adult. I actually started crying as those words reverberated inside me as if in full range stereo. There was something about them that immediately struck a cord in me as a woman. I too wondered if I had lost my muchness somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away.

 For me, just like for Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been a positive word. The first memory I have stored in the invisible file cabinet inside my brain is tucked in a folder with the word “much” on it.

The entry has to do with four powerful words that were stated year after year by my elementary teachers on my report cards:  

“ Michelle talks too much.”

(cue visual memories of standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself!)

Digging further into my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “much” folder is that of the innumerable comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me his version of what he thought was “too much” about me. According to him I apparently used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, laughed too much, weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long!). 

Basically it was the same theme (as in childhood), different day.

Here’s where I can relate to Alice: Somewhere along the way I began to doubt that I was enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough. As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies, a guy who seemed to ally with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me. 

Alice, at the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. As she steps forward, sword in hand, she shouts her heroic battle cry and declares, “lost my muchness, have I?”

Though afraid, she boldly faces her fear as she fights and then slays the dreaded Jabberwochy. She uncovers a newfound courage by going through the battle to discover her destiny, which ends the Red Queen’s evil reign of terror. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

But the deeper truth is that she faced her own dragon and in the process, found herself.

• Has your daughter discovered and found her muchness? (that part of her that is passionate and scared… all at the same time; that part of her that wears you out sometimes, but is tied to her calling and gifting and makes her uniquely spectacular)

• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by taking steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?

• Is there a battle she needs to face that holds the key to her embracing her muchness?

Dad, foster your daughter’s muchness. Or if she’s lost it, help her find it again.

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible. 

• Tell her that she has to face her fears in order to be fierce. 

• Let her know that you will support her in any way you can (financially by funding her passions, physically with your presence, spiritually through prayer, and emotionally by listening to what she learns along the way even when interspersed with emotional upheavals) while expressing that there’s no where you’d rather be than in her cheering section because you know she has it in her to be and do more than she believes is possible. Even if she’s afraid.

Your daughter needs you to believe in her, especially when she’s unsure about how to fully believe in herself. 

And always remember that her muchness will change the world. 

What Makes a Grown Man Cry

I wish you could sit where I sit and see what I see when I’m among a group of dads of daughters. There is tender, fierce strength that I witness time and again as I interact with fathers whose hearts are turned and activated.

You see, when it comes to fathers of daughters, there is a sacred space inside every dad’s heart that is uniquely impacted by his relationship with his girl.

I never take it for granted that I have the privilege of being invited into the inner circle of men in The Abba Project or when I travel the country speaking at men’s conferences. I love hearing your stories. I am grateful to be trusted with your fears. At other times I witness your tears (even if you say they’re “just allergies!”).  
I don’t assume that men typically think of their tear ducts as being tied to their greatest inner strength. But I believe they are.

Here’s the truth about tears:

• They come from the most alive place inside each of us

• They are connected to the deepest spaces in our heart

• They let us know that we care in substantial, significant ways

• They move us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally

• They awaken us to greater awareness

• They reveal that we’re linked to people and causes that profoundly matter

In an article titled, “Why Do We Cry? The Science of Tears,” Dr. Nick Knight describes three kinds of tears that are naturally created by our bodies:

1. Basal tears or “worker” tears that keep our eyes lubricated,

2. Reflex tears that help us wash out irritants, and

3. Psychic tears or ‘crying’ tears that correspond to strong emotions, ranging from pleasure on

   the positive end to stress, anger, sadness, suffering, and even physical pain on the negative

   end.

If I may be so bold, I would like to add my own fourth category.

4. Authentic or ‘heart’ tears that are expressed in direct proportion to the quality of a connected

relationship that evokes this emotional response.

Stated otherwise, heart tears communicate the reality of what we carry most deeply within us, whether conscious or unconscious, in direct correlation to those we love and that which we love.

I guess you could say that tears are a gift because they reveal the truth of what is really going on inside of us.

What makes a grown man cry?

From years of observation, specifically in relation to dads of daughters, I’d say it’s when:

• Something or someone profoundly touches his heart

• His heart is broken over her life choices, past and present

• His heart aches over regrets in his parenting, past and present

• He longs for a better and closer relationship with his daughter, even if his tears stay inside himself

• He feels emotionally connected to her, especially when he tells her what he’s feeling or thinking about her

Summing up, a good man cries when his heart tells the story through his eyes.

You have to believe me when I say that most of us as daughters feel our father’s love when you are moved to tears when talking about how proud you are of us, when you tell us how much you love us, and when you express your affirmation of the gifts you see in us.

When you “wear your emotions on your sleeve,” it can make your words significantly more believable and impactful (even if might feel uncomfortable while it’s happening).

And even if you’re not one given to tears, just remember that some people (like me) believe that it takes bravery for any of us to cry. Why? Because it takes courage to be seen as vulnerable and tender, and typically we won’t risk displaying raw emotion unless we feel safe and really feel something in the depths of our heart.

So Dad, why not give yourself permission today to let your daughter know how you really feel about her when she looks in your eyes and sees your eyes leak a little while you communicate love in ways deeper than your words.

What Does it Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually In This Intense Season?

If you were to sit with me in my counseling office or overhear conversations I’m having during this Covid-19 season, you would be privy to heavy conversations that are bulging with spiritual questions often wrapped in the word, “Why?”

• Why would God deliver a death blow to the entire world? 

• If God has all power, why is He allowing this to continue even though people are praying for healing?

• Why doesn’t God stop the madness so people aren’t terrified or contemplating suicide because of it being too much?

• If God is love, why is He letting so many good people die?

Clearly, there are no easy answers to these complex questions. Yet I submit this to you as dads: 

Instead of believing that you need to have all the answers, use your daughter’s questions as a starting point for conversations that invite her to open up with the freedom to simply ask them. Then sit together in the mystery of your unanswered questions while bonding through the process. 

Dad, I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide suggestions about what I believe it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life. Please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest reverence.  

I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing.  

But I would like to propose some ideas of what I believe it means to spiritually lead your daughter, specifically during this pandemic season where the hard, legitimate questions are being asked. Teach her that process is messy, but that it can lead us to dig deeper while talking things out. Your daughter needs to know that it’s okay to doubt, to express, and to feel her feelings, which may include getting angry at God and questioning Him, all the while learning to tolerate her discomfort. 

My suggestions here are not only based on my experience personally and professionally, but also from first hand information I’ve received from girls and young women over the past four decades who have shared their hearts with me about what they would like to experience from their dads with regards to spiritual leadership.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:

• Let her see you engaging in your own spiritual practices. Because more is caught than taught.  

• Pray with her about things going on in her life, which means that you’re asking her questions about her life, boys, school, work, commitments, friends, activities, etc.
  (I know that dads often are intimated by the idea of praying, especially out loud. Truth: you don’t have to be perfect at it. Let your daughter see you try, even if it’s awkward. It’s okay to say just three sentences in prayer…your daughter will be impacted by you praying over her and with her because it’s your heart that matters).

• Reveal your own questions about spiritual things. Let her know you have questions about God, the Bible, theology, church practices, etc. while demonstrating that asking questions is normal and healthy. Find answers to her questions and make it fun to search for answers with her and on your own. Make it a creative process to find answers. Then report back on what you find.

• Write out a prayer for her in a note, through a text, or an email.

• Open up about what you’re learning from the Bible…or a book or study (not in a way that preaches at her or has hidden statements to convict her. This is about you sharing what you are personally gleaning spiritually in your own life. Be vulnerable and honest).

• Share how God is convicting you.  This one may be harder to open up about and one where discretion obviously is warranted, but if you let your daughter know how God is speaking to you, followed with modeling the fact that you are listening and responding, this will go farther than any lecture you can ever give her.

• Tell her what God is doing in your life. Talk about answers to your prayers.

• Ask her what she believes.  Listen, learn, and no lectures. Ask questions to draw her out without necessarily sharing your beliefs at first because if this is new for you to dialogue about spiritual things, it may take awhile for her to open up honestly. Wisely choose your words without lecturing. Take an interest in her beliefs and look through her eyes.  Seek to understand her.

• Go to a Christian/spiritual concert with her by one of her favorite artists. Right now this will need to be done online since we’re all quarantined, but the upside is that you’ll save money on concert tickets while sharing in a remote experience with her!

• Attend her church with her or invite her to yours. Again, with most churches currently offering some kind of online experience, you can now do this from the comfort of your own home. Then talk about the sermon afterwards.

• Sing worship/spiritual songs with her and listen to the lyrics that touch her spirit.  

• Ask her to share about a spiritually significant time in her life. Then share one of yours.

• Buy her a book on a spiritual theme. Read it with her. Share what you both learn.

Investing in your daughter’s heart spiritually is a key part of being a dad who leads. And though the majority of men I speak with would disqualify themselves from spiritual leadership for one reason or another, I implore you to be a dad who goes against the norm as a statistic-breaker by being a father who intentionally invests in this way.

Think of it as taking the initiative to lead her spiritually in the same way you approach sports. As you step up to the plate with the bases loaded (a.k.a. there’s a lot of pressure on you), it’s your turn at bat. If you put your whole body into it and swing hard, the rest will take care of itself. You just have to push past your fear and do it.

Your confidence will build as you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life…and yours. Choose to proactively embrace all that is being stirred up right now so that your spiritual leadership muscles have an opportunity to grow and strengthen. 

Start today by choosing one action item from the list above and the rest will fall into place. 

There really is no better time that the present to begin to lead spiritually so your daughter will always remember that this was a season where you both went deeper…together. 

(If you would like a free pdf of this blog titled “The Baker’s Dozen for Leading Your Daughter Spiritually” just click here)

Your Daughter Needs You to Hold Her Safe in the Storm

Hey Dad...If you’re like most fathers, you’re ready for a reprieve from the social distancing-coronavirus outbreak quarantine season. And because we’re all emotionally taxed, we find ourselves longing for the day when our routines and rhythms will be re-established.

I want to encourage you today to stay focused on your goal of dialing in to your daughter’s heart with intention, patience, love, and grace through the entirety of this pandemic. Keep your eyes fixed on the bigger picture, which is to invest in ways that yield lasting dividends with a long-term return (which is a fancy way of saying that you can use this time to create forever memories where you bond more and grow closer during this crisis).

That said, here’s a story that I believe will inspire you anew today. 

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one is valued at a million.

When I first saw this photo on Facebook, it immediately melted my heart. There’s just something about seeing a daddy protecting his little girl that has a way of reaching in and touching the deepest place in all of us.

I think for those of us who are daughters, we project ourselves into this photo and wish we were the one being held safely in the arms of a dad like this. Even when we’re all grown up.

And if this picture itself isn’t enough, here’s what mom Sarah included as her tagline alongside it:

We got caught in a huge thunderstorm and flash flood warnings alerted on our phones. Addie was the only kiddo not covered in the stroller, but she loved getting drenched. She keeps talking about it to Tom, "We were in the rain together and you held me." #nycsummer #dctrip

Oh my. Have there ever been more profound words spoken by a three-year old? 

"Dad, we were in the rain together and you held me."

The storm itself didn’t scare her.

Being unprepared for the crazy weather conditions didn’t prove to be too much for her.

Even standing on the unpredictable streets of our nation’s capital didn’t overwhelm her.

Why? Because her daddy held her. In the rain. Through the storm. 

Dad, I know how much you loved the days when you held your baby girl tight as she was scared. You still tear up when you recall how she’d come running to you with her arms outstretched and wanted only you to comfort her. As you reached down to pick her up you felt like your heart would burst with love as you held her close. Back then you would tell her that everything would be all right because you were there. 

But then she grew up and didn’t seem to need you as much. And it left you feeling a bit lost. You wondered how were you going to save the day if she found her own umbrella and no longer came running to you when her skies snapped, crackled, and popped. 

It was then that you packed up your superhero cape. But along with that a part of you shriveled up. You assumed that now that you weren’t being called to active duty in the same way you once were that now you were unnecessary.

Please hear me:  

Dad, we always need you. 

You are always necessary. 

Whether near or far.

Without you we struggle to feel safe in the downpour.

No matter what age we are.

The reality is that even though we now are navigating storms on our own, we inwardly wish you could be there to shield us and do the heavy lifting when the big bad wolf comes to huff and puff and blow our house down. It would be easier to run to you every single time something hard hits out of nowhere. But we know we won’t grow up if we do that. 

At some point we have to stand strong in the storms by ourselves.

And you can rest assured that we’ve taken what you’ve taught us and we forever hold it inside. All that courage you’ve instilled is now a part of who we are.

The thing is that our storms just look a little different now than they did when we were little. But they’re storms just the same. And we still need you to hold us tight, but with a bit more room in between us. Let me explain with a few more clarifying details.

Dad, you hold us safe in the storm and save the day when you:

• come home every night, making us feel safe and cared for

• provide for us and work hard to do so

• love us unconditionally even when we’re prickly and crunchy

• tell us that a B is just as good as an A because we did our best
  (believe it or not, we’re harder on ourselves than you can imagine and we need you to ally with the part of us that tried, not the part of us that was less than perfect.  Disappointing you hurts more than the low grade)

• spend time playing with us and doing life together

• teach us how to drive without getting frustrated with us through the learning process

• wipe our tears and tell us that he was a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he’s losing

• help us fill out our FAFSA with patience and attention to detail

• show mercy and grace at times when a consequence is deserved

• make amends when you’ve said or done something that doesn’t align with your heart toward us

• let us feel all the feels in the midst of this coronavirus outbreak when we don’t know what’s ahead and worry about whether we’ll get to finish the school year with our friends and do all the fun things to celebrate a job well done

The list goes on but you get the gist. 

The truth is that we need you to hold us safe in the storm, whether the storm is on inside of us as the sky is falling or whether the downpour rages around us. When you’re calm and patient and loving and kind through it all, you are our safe haven.

Ask your daughter today what kind of hold she needs from you right now while we’re all feeling the effects of this international storm together. 

This story above is of a daughter who feels loved and secure in her daddy's love. How I long for the day when every daughter will know that her dad will hold her safely in the storm. 

 p.s. And just so you know, Tom, the dad in this picture told me: I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

Winning Her Heart vs. Winning an Argument

A few years ago I was talking to my friend Steve and he said something that not only blew me away then, but has stayed with me ever since. In fact, it’s so good that I asked him if I could both quote him and interview him. 

Here we are, seven years later, and Maddie is now in her first year of college. This dad and daughter have now moved past navigating the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between: 

• independence and dependence

• freedom and boundaries

• rules and responsibilities

• distance and connection

...and they’ve locked in a solid, consistent, and deeply bonded relationship. 

So who better to hear from than a dad who has walked his talk and is now experiencing the incredible joy of being connected to his young adult daughter!

Backstory: When Steve’s daughter Maddie was heading into her teen years (a reality that proved to be a more daunting challenge than this dad had anticipated), he was strongly invested in learning how to relate better to his ever-changing and maturing girl. It was during a conversation we had one day that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“It’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that sentence hit you like it did me?  

In that moment I said, “Steve, if every dad in America understood that concept, it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

I loved hearing this courageous dad, guided by humility, say that it matters less that he is right, especially if it means he is trampling on his daughter’s heart in the process of holding to that position (and by heart I am describing where her emotions and dreams and passions and visions and ideas converge).

When I asked Steve a few probing questions to further clarify what he meant by his profound quote, he responded honestly. I believe you’ll appreciate the authenticity of his responses because he’s a dad who has been in the trenches just like you and he’s come out the other side.

1.   Steve, how do you go about winning Maddie’s heart?

I’m sitting here asking myself why I pause when trying to codify how I go about winning Maddie’s heart. I wonder: Am I afraid? Am I reluctant because I know that I fail so many times trying to win her heart? Who am I to try and suggest that I know the first thing about winning Maddie’s heart - when in fact I feel like I fail more times than I don’t? 

In fact, I just said to my wife - “This trying to be a dialed-in dad thing is hard. It would be so much easier to just unplug and chuck it!” No joke.  

But this morning, here’s what I wrote in my journal…“Jesus, help me to know how, what, and when to coach Maddie. Help me to know how, what, and when to close my mouth. Help me to know how, what for, and when to be strong for her. And help me to know how, what for, and when to just be with her.”  

You’d have to have been in our home to know the details…and frankly, I’m not sure I get all the details. But the one detail I do know - I love this little lady!  I won’t quit…even when failure seems like my default.  

2.   What works to win her heart and what doesn’t?

My number one strategy to winning her heart:  I…Won’t…Quit. She is my little girl, entrusted to me - her Daddy. And I will fight for her heart. I cannot demand it. But I will remain engaged…even when all the chaos of life collides with my visions of what it was like when she was 4, 5, 6 - with her raspy little Lauren Bacall voice. 

When I see the beauty that stands before me, in all of her “I am my own person” - I am in awe, this is my little girl, becoming a woman and I get the privilege of being present - I’ll take it. I will clumsily keep trying. I’m going to stay in the game - for her, for me, for her mom, for us…for her husband.

3.   Do you have any other strategies for pursuing your daughter’s heart?

My number two strategy to winning her heart - I apologize. I’m broken. I don’t do everything right. I make mistakes. At times I want a do-over. I’m humbled to be her Daddy. Pride has no business in being a dad. Let my humility be the measure of the strength of my love. (this is not a pushover kind of thing…)

My number three strategy. I am not afraid to be silly. Humiliation - ha…bring on the silly - for her sake. Never to humiliate her, but I will cherish the laughter - and Maddie can laugh.  

My number four strategy - I will guard her heart - I will fight for her. I’ll do this (hopefully) with a heart of peace towards others, but I will stand up for her, beside her. We will empower her to be an advocate for herself - but I will protect her.  

Maybe I’m going off topic here…but I will make the first move to restore our relationship. I know that I have to be the leader here. 

I will see her as a person - not a problem….not a problem child…not a child with “girl problems…”

I will tell her “no” - when it’s the right thing to say - even when I assume she is displeased.

4. How do you ground yourself when Maddie escalates emotionally? 

Great question…What is my ideal, aspirational approach? I recognize that she needs me to stay engaged with her as a person. That she knows that there is nothing that she can do that will change the fact that I LOVE her! I tell her this - when things escalate. Honestly, because when emotions climb and reality distorts (in all of us) I want to ground us with the truth – I LOVE HER.

5. How do you keep yourself from giving into anger when the situation is intensifying?

Well, I fail sometimes. My anger can look much more passive aggressive than expressive. I try to recognize when I slip over to anger and may have to suggest we come back around. I care more about her than being right, and we’ll figure the rest out. 

I’ve seen anger drive kids away; this was my own experience. It was amazing what it did to melt away years of hurt when my dad said, “I never looked at it from your perspective.” We are very careful with what we do, or say, in anger…I recognize it in myself and try to check it…or listen to my bride when it pokes its head out. 

6. Do you have any input for other dads of daughters?

Pride…dude, you are a Daddy. Bask in the self-evident pride that comes prescribed with being the dad of a daughter. Celebrate HER, champion HER, empower HER - and watch her fly. And be sure that you are the soft place she can come to when the world pushes off on her strengths and gifts, and tramples on her scars and weaknesses. Come on, you’re her Daddy. 

7.   Are there last thoughts you’d like to add?

I know that I’m a gloriously flawed dad – and trying to say how well I do at winning her heart…no trophies here. But one thing I do is pray for my daughter to recognize that she need not carry the burdens of the world, her school, her friends…but also not to ignore her bent towards leadership, justice, and a deep sense of empathy. I want to put a bubble around her to guard her heart, but I also want her to work out that powerful muscle and grow in her sense of right and wrong, a voice for the marginalized, and a defender of the weak.

Being a Dad is messy. But I am her Daddy…she gets one of me and I’m humbled to be her Daddy.  

Wise words from a seasoned father. 

I’m grateful to Steve for letting us see into his experience because he’s reminding dads everywhere that it’s not about being perfect, but is about staying attentive to the changing tapestry of your daughter’s life.

He’s modeling vulnerability in demonstrating the importance of being real with his girl---whether he’s apologizing and asking forgiveness or being silly and making her laugh.

And last, he’s teaching dads that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

Dad, why not choose one insight that Steve shared today about winning the heart of his girl and put it into action with your daughter today.

If I Could Whisper to Dads

It all started about five years ago during an interview on a nationally syndicated radio program that heralds out of Chicago called Chris Fabry Live. I had just written my first book, Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart, and Chris was the perfect host to lead a conversation about dads and daughters in large part due to the fact that he’s a father to NINE children!

During the interview he said something that caught me by surprise, while simultaneously touching my heart, which was simply this: “Michelle, you should be called ‘the dad whisperer.” I was immediately moved to hear him affirm my deep desire to positively support fathers. Even more, the name has stuck and now become the title of my radio program and podcast that I’ve hosted for three years.

(If you’ve never listened to the show, all past shows are available on my website at www.drmichellewatson.com, iTunes, Spotify, and Google Play Music.)

Ever since Mr. Fabry suggested that I be called ‘the dad whisperer,” I have cherished that name. And I continue to be overwhelmingly amazed that men write me and call me asking for input about their relationships with their daughters. I’m beyond thankful that they know I’m their ally and am supporting their cause to be a better dad. 

A few months ago I was telling a male colleague about being called the dad whisperer and he boldly said, 

“Michelle, I don’t know how you do it, but you really do understand us men and we can tell that you do. Actually, this is a fitting title for you because you are a dad whisperer. In truth, we men don’t like being shouted at by a woman and we wouldn’t listen to you if you did!”

In keeping with this theme, I’m imagining that you and I are sitting across from each other while I’m sharing these five truths with you. 

If I could whisper to you as a dad, I’d want you to know…

• I am your champion. For real. No hidden agenda. I promise! I don’t honestly have a desire to control or manipulate you as men. But I really, really, really believe that if the hearts of fathers turn towards their children then our whole nation will improve for the better. Girls will stop looking for love in all the wrong places (cue music) and boys will stop pursuing physical power as evidence that they are strong and masculine enough and will instead believe in who they are apart from performance. Hmmm…I guess that goes for girls too!

• How much you matter. Despite anything that you may have been told by our culture, the media, your family, or even your girls (especially during adolescence when most everything is upside down and backwards), your influence and impact makes all the difference in a daughter as she grows to become strong and healthy, confident and vibrant. Truth: daughters (and sons) internalize their dad’s view of them. That’s one big reason that dads matter.

• You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to be present. In other words, there has to be the investment of quantity time, not just quality time (which runs counter to what we often hear.) But the truth is that time is key to deepening relationships. When you’re home, your family needs time with you where you are available---listening, asking questions, playing games, eating meals, laughing, wrestling, throwing the ball, helping with homework, watching a favorite tv show together, etc.

• Your affirmation goes deep and sticks. I don’t know what it is about a dad’s words that pack such a punch, but they do. The research confirms this as well. Conversely, words that are contrary also stick. And since my goal here is to come alongside and support you in your desire to do fathering right, I want to remind you of the power of your positive words to motivate, inspire, lead, and breathe life into the core of your kids.

• Apples don’t fall far from trees. What I mean by this is that your kids are a reflection of your positive and negative traits. And more often than not, your child who has a knack for pushing your buttons is probably the one who is most like you. So rather than focusing on what your daughter or son is doing wrong, leading you to give constant correction, try looking within yourself and make changes there first. Then your little apples will be healthier and sweeter since the tree is standing tall with deep roots.

There you have it. Five ‘whisperings’ from my heart to yours, dad.

As I continue to invest in bringing relevant topics to you as fathers, feel free to send me questions that you’d like me to address on the air (or in blogs) or “hypothetical scenarios” that might have you confused or lost or stuck as a dad to a daughter (how’s that for a good way to say that your stories will always stay confidential!). You can write me at drmichelle@thedadwhisperer.com.

How God Becomes Your Father (Guest Blog by Ed McGlasson)

Today we have the privilege of hearing from my friend, Ed McGlasson, a former NFL lineman who played with the Giants, the Jets, and the Rams. If you’ve never had your earthly father talk to you about how much you’re loved by your Heavenly Father, Ed is here to speak into your life as a surrogate dad, of sorts. Read on as he unpacks solid biblical truth that has the potential to change your life. ~ Michelle

How many of you have ever said, “I’ll never do to my kids what my dad did to me!”?

Most of us have said that at one point or another. These are natural reactions to hurt we’ve received, even if we had a great dad. But what about those of us who didn’t have a present, loving father? What about those who had an emotionally distant father, an absent father, or an abusive father?

Without the model of a present, loving father, boys grow up to become discouraged or despondent husbands and fathers. Some feel it’s just easier to leave, so that their kids don’t suffer from their mistakes. Unfortunately, this only perpetuates the broken cycle of fatherlessness that initiated their feelings of unworthiness in the first place.

The issue of fatherlessness is nothing new. While the number of fatherless children today continues to grow at an alarming rate, the issue was present all the way back in the Old Testament of the bible. The prophet Jeremiah wrote in the book of Lamentations:

“Orphans we are, not a father in sight, and our mothers no better than widows.” (Lam 5:3 MSG)

Jesus came to change this orphan song. He said: “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” (John 14:18) 

He was speaking to each and every one of us born without a present, loving father in our lives.

When young boys are raised in a home without a present, loving father, they suffer. Boys tend to ask the question, “Who am I?” and “Am I good enough?” Without another man present to answer this question for them, they spend their life trying to find their identity and prove their worth through their exploits, careers, and other accomplishments. While most of these young boys will grow up to be fathers themselves, they often lack the tools necessary to provide their children with a present, loving father—even if that is their very heart’s desire.

So what is God’s answer to fatherlessness? Is it too late for men in America to rise up and become the men, fathers, and leaders they didn’t have themselves? 

The book of Malachi gives us a clue as to how God plans to heal this issue of fatherlessness:  

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.” (Malachi 4:5-6)

God has a plan to not only heal the issue of fatherlessness, but to heal the wounds you personally have suffered without a present, loving father in your life: your father wounds. He has a plan to heal your family, your community, and yes—the whole world.

God’s plan is two-fold. He plans to turn the hearts of fathers back to children. And he plans to turn the hearts of children back to their fathers.

But first, in order to do this, God’s plan is to become your father.

“…and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinthians 6:18 ESV)

How does God the Father become your Father? God the Father adopts you into His family when you put your hope and trust in His Son, Jesus Christ, and receive His free gift of forgiveness. When this happens, it changes how you father your children, because it changes how you’ve been fathered.

God’s plan isn’t just to change you into a great father. He wants you to have a great Father yourself. It is through this relationship and blessing from your new heavenly Father that you receive the blessing you need to pass on to your children.

When you receive the Blessing of the Father for yourself, God will begin to turn your heart back to your children. This process happens when you discover how much God the Father loves you, and the great lengths to which He’s gone to be your Father.

These truths can be further realized through daily reading and meditation upon God’s Word. Knowing that God has blessed you to be the father to your children—and has given you everything you need to be their father—empowers you, and turns your heart to stay and be the present, loving father that He has called you to be.

If God’s plan all along was to turn your heart back to your children, then He also has a plan to empower you to be the father your kids need you to be. It is never too late to become that father!

Many young children live in bitterness, and shut down in their relationships because of wounds they’ve received from their fathers. This is not a reason for you to shut down as well; this is an opportunity for you to take the first step in love and forgiveness even if your kids have hurt you.

Here are two questions you can ask your kids that will help begin the healing process of turning their hearts back to you:

• Can you help me understand how I’ve hurt you so that I can ask for forgiveness?

• Can you help me understand what you need from me as your dad right now?

If you have the courage to ask those questions, you have taken a gigantic step in restoring your relationship with your kids. Let your heart turns back towards our children so your children’s hearts will turn back to you.

It’s never too late to be the father your kids need you to be, and to have the Father you’ve always wanted. Remember, the Father loves you and sent His Son to let you know!

______

Ed McGlasson is a pastor, best-selling author, renowned conference and corporate event speaker, and a five-year veteran in the National Football League. He is the author of the best-selling book titled, The Difference A Father Makes, as well as Be Loved and The Father You’ve Always Wanted, with a big vision to reach hurting families with the love and the blessing of God as their Father through his testimony and life-changing message. You can read more about him at blessingofthefather.com.

I Don't Speak Feelings (Guest Blog by Dr. Joe Martin)

Here’s a fun backstory to today’s guest blog: After I recently wrote my Dad-Daughter Friday blog titled, I Don’t Speak ‘Car,’ the first person to respond was my friend, Dr. Joe Martin, who said, “Now we need to do one written to fathers to teach us how to speak 'feelings'.” That’s when I knew he was the perfect person address this issue as a dad to a teenage daughter who understands the unique challenges of speaking her emotional language. Enjoy!
~Michelle

How would you like to take a 5-day cruise to the Bahamas with your wife, or the woman of your dreams, watch the sunset off the balcony of your cruise suite; go snorkeling together, hold hands walking on the beach, get massages, go dancing, sing Karaoke together, and sip drinks with tiny umbrellas in them? Sounds good, right?

But how would you like to do all those things and have your teenage daughter tag along with you? What you talk'in about Willis? (in my best Gary Coleman voice)  

That's right! My beautiful wife and I decided to take my precocious, 16-year old daughter on a cruise to the Bahamas for Spring Break. What could possibly go wrong living in the confines of a cabin with two women, one bed, one sofa, and one bathroom?!

Let's just say, it was a vacation to remember! (or forget - depending on if you're a glass half-empty-half-full kind of guy).

My friend, Dr. Michelle Watson, wrote a wonderful article a couple of months ago about women not being able to "speak car,” which she defined as a challenge she’s experienced in not always being able to communicate in ways that men understand. I absolutely and thoroughly enjoyed it and learned a lot. 

However, after spending almost a week in a cabin and on a boat with two women, let's just say, Dr. Michelle needs to write another article, but this time to women to educate them on the way that men often struggle to relate to them, calling it, "I don't speak feelings."

Here are just a few lessons I learned from my five days on a cruise ship with my wife and daughter, drenched in estrogen. (Play at your own risk if you choose to let your daughter or wife read this!)

Lesson #1: Apathy: "If you don't ask about it, that means you must not care."

I didn't know that my inability to ask 21 questions reflects my insensitivity to the "isn't it obvious" needs of a woman. I can't tell you how many times I heard the following questions (and you can fill in the blank with whatever you choose): 

"Sweetie, aren't you're going to _________?"  
"Daddy, why didn't you do __________?"
"Baby, how could you forget to do _________?"
"Daddy, you're not going to ask me about _________?"

I didn't know that not knowing what a woman wants and thinks without her telling us means that we either don't care, don't really want to go, or we’d rather be doing something else. But it definitely can't mean “we didn't know."

---

Lesson #2: Insensitive: "If you question my mistake, then you're not being loving."

My daughter lost one of our bags that contained most of my wife's valuables. Could you imagine how upset my wife was; and she was sure to let my daughter know about it. But during the entire time, I didn't say a word; I just sat back an observed.  

I must admit, my wife handled the situation like a pro (much better than I would have). But as soon as my daughter tried to make an excuse and shift the responsibility to my wife (Can you believe that?), before I could get even three words out, my daughter burst into tears claiming I was bashing her, criticizing her, and being insensitive to her feelings. And I didn't even finish my thought! 

I didn't know that a man should refrain from teaching, questioning, or correcting a woman when she's feeling bad about doing something wrong or refusing to accept responsibility for it.

#3: Selfishness: "If you don't respond to my requests quickly, then you must only care about yourself."

On the cruise, I felt like I was part of the ship staff. Because I guess it was agreed upon, without my knowledge before the trip, that I would be the personal valet for my wife and daughter. I would be on-call 24 hours a day to get all the drinks, grab all the towels, and get all the midnight snacks whenever requested.  

Of course, to survive the trip, and still have a bed to sleep in, I did everything without complaint. However, my teenage daughter thought my delays were my personal rejection of her, and she felt like I didn't care about attending to her needs as much as I did her mom's.  

Coincidentally, I wore a Fitbit during the cruise, so I surpassed at least 10,000 steps every day during our time on the ship. How is that even possible? I was running so many errands on the cruise that I seriously thought about asking the crew for a uniform and filling out a W-2 form!

I didn't know that when you're in the company of two women and you're a dude, you're supposed to be ready to respond to their beck and call as they continue to do what they want to do, not what you want to do; otherwise, you're being selfish.

---

Lesson #4: Anger: "If you take time away to be away from me, you must be mad at me, someone, or something."

I know most people go on vacation to do stuff, go a lot of places, and try different things. However, the perfect vacation for me is me doing absolutely NOTHING and reading a good book and sleeping - disconnected from the world. Boring, yes, I know, but definitely relaxing to me.   

However, I must qualify this statement, I intentionally tried to do almost everything that my family requested (with joy), from snorkeling, working out, acupuncture (yes, that's right), to singing karaoke, which my loving family forced me to do; then they secretly videoed me impersonating Prince and proceeded to post it on Facebook. I'm still getting text messages and weird stares about that.  

However, as soon as I decided to find a hide-a-way to go read, drink, and relax, I received more questions than a perp on Law and Order:

"Are you okay?"
"Are you upset about something?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Where did you go?"
"Why are you hiding from us?"

Who knew "going away" meant you're getting angry? I thought it just meant getting away.

I'm sure there were other lessons I missed. And for the most part, I still managed to enjoy the vacation, spend some time with my wife, and even bond with my daughter (we had a dress-up dinner date without mom - priceless), but the trip felt more like boot camp than a vacation.

All I can say is, as soon as Dr. Michelle publishes her book for men on "speaking feelings," I'm purchasing the first copy. Trust me, it's destined to be a best seller.  
_____

Dr. Joe Martin is an award-winning international speaker, author, and educator who has authored nine books. He is also the host of the #1 radio podcast on iTunes for Christian Men called Real Men Connect and heralds from Chattanooga, TN where he lives with his wife and teenage daughter. You can connect with him at www.realmenconnect.com.