Dear Dad…What I Wish I’d Said to You Years Ago

(I invite you to read this heartfelt letter I wrote to my dad for Father’s Day this year. And rest assured that much of what he’s done to invest in me over the years were things I wasn’t necessarily thinking were significant at the time. That part came later. I trust this will encourage you dads to keep staying the course as you make forever deposits in your daughter’s life, choosing to believe that the day will come when she will look back and remember).

Dear Dad…

Sometimes the beauty of growing older means that things look different from this angle. I know I’ve thanked you for your consistent investment in my life many times over the years, but this year I want to highlight some things that maybe I’ve not fully appreciated until now.

Thank you…
…for choosing, along with Mom, to let my birth happen. Even after finding out that you were pregnant with me before you were married, you took the high road and allowed for me to be born. People didn’t tend to be open about those things in 1960 and I am deeply grateful that you chose life.

Thank you…
…for letting me fall asleep on your chest, even as a newborn because it apparently was one of the only places I could settle down.

Thank you…
…for getting on the floor to play and wrestle while lifting me “high in the sky” and actually enjoying it even after a long day at work.

Thank you…
…for taking me to the park and hiding coins in the bark dust, letting me believe that it all magically appeared out of nowhere, and making me feel like the richest girl on the block (now that I think about it, I still am).

Thank you…
…for making up bedtime stories while we girls placed an imaginary “thinking cap” on the top of your head, the miraculous enchanted hat by which the all-time best stories were birthed from a dad who loved seeing his little girls giggle and dream.

Thank you…
…for going the extra mile to build unique and spectacular things that made your daughters childhood a bit better---from putting wheels on a milk crate and attaching handlebars so we had the best one-of-a-kind scooter imaginable (the envy of the neighborhood) to putting a light bulb in the corner of our kitchen cupboard to make the most fantastic cubby hole fort that ever existed.

Thank you…
…for making it a priority to take our annual all-day trek to get a Christmas tree and creating the fun tradition of singing songs repeatedly at the top of our lungs along the way, songs that still make Christmas beautiful when I hear them (“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” and “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” were two of our greatest hits, don’t you think?).

Thank you...
…for creating memories with us girls that were 180 degrees different from what your dad did with you, making a concerted effort to walk in the opposite direction of the hand you were dealt while investing time and energy to be a dialed-in dad.

Thank you…
…for years and years of diligently accepting your role as the infamous “cutter-of-the-bangs.” And for the record, I do forgive you for the innumerable times the final result turned out less than we’d hoped for due to my cowlick. My fifth grade school photo, however, doesn’t feel the same way.

Thank you…
…for taking me on my first date to the Rheinlander when I was 16 and making me wait in the car until you came around and opened the door, telling me that you wanted me to never settle for a guy who didn’t do the same.

Thank you…
…for recusing me on the freeway when my car was broken down and all I could do was cry.

Thank you…
…for wiping my tears and rescuing me when my heart was broken down after a breakup…or two…or three and all I could do was cry.  

Thank you…
…for repairing every broken thing in my house that has ever needed your inventive, inexpensive, impressive, ingenious fix.

Thank you…
…for taking me to Nordstrom for the past 25 years at Christmastime where together we have smelled more scents than we could ever count while creating one of the best traditions ever:  Perfume Day! Every one you’ve bought me is a beautiful representation of your love for me, a love that knows how to spoil your daughter in a big, big way every year.

Thank you…
…for never giving up on me and for continuing to pursue a relationship with me throughout my entire life, even with all my emotional up’s and down’s and even during times where we bonk heads and disagree, always showing me that a dad’s love lasts throughout the lifespan.

I know that words can’t truly express how much I love you, but just know from the depths of my heart that you mean the world to me!  And in case I don’t tell you enough, just remember again today how grateful I am for every single deposit you’ve made in my life through the years, big and small.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad.

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Leaving a Legacy

One of the hardest things in life is facing death.

Though it’s inevitable, death never seems right. It never gets easier to handle and it never seems like we’ve had enough time with the ones we love.

I lost my aunt this week.

She’d been struggling with cancer for the past year and a half and although she fought hard last year, recently she said she knew it was her time to go. I saw her in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and as I held her head to my chest we both cried. The unspoken spoken. We knew she was nearing the end of her journey here on earth.

From her hospital bed she handed me a bright orange envelope with my name on it. It was my belated birthday card. She said that even though the girl in the picture was wearing orange shoes, for me they should have been red. We laughed as I told her that just the day before I had actually worn orange shoes so the card was perfect.

This morning I opened the card and reread it. “My prayers go with you all the days of my life.” Tears poured down my cheeks again as I was reminded that she really did pray for me. A lot. That’s one of the forever gifts she gave me.

I’ve been pondering the importance of legacy the past couple of days.

Of course it’s not a new concept, but at a time of loss the only thing I have left from her is the deposit she’s left on the inside of me.  

I’ve been reminiscing about her being one of the first female students to attend and graduate from a seminary here in Portland, Oregon. With her master's degree in hand, she sought to become an even better educator.

I’ve been reminiscing about her living in Brazil as a new wife and mother, leaving behind all she knew while courageously struggling to adapt to a culture that was foreign to her. But she did it, even with two young sons, the youngest who was born with Down Syndrome.

I’ve been reminiscing about the time when I was eight years old and got to spend the day with her in inner city San Francisco when she was a new teacher back in the late 60’s. With a multi-ethnic classroom, she was a forerunner in education, passionate about making learning fun for her students, all the while modeling to me what it looked like to be a vibrant, courageous, adventurous, risk-taking woman who loved making a difference.

Never have the words “more is caught than taught” been more true than they are right now.

Without knowing it then, my aunt was teaching me as much, if not more, than her students.  She let me get up close to her while she was doing what she loved. She let me smell what she smelled, see what she saw, hear what she heard.

This leads me to ask myself, and invite you as well, to honestly answer the question:

What kind of legacy am I leaving?

The reality is that though none of us will be around forever physically, we all leave a trail behind that leads the way for the next generation. As a dad to a daughter, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life.

I would encourage you to clarify anew today what exactly you want your daughter to hold inside herself as a gift from you for the rest of her life.

• Finish this sentence below and then write it on a card that sits on your desk
• Take a picture of what you write and look at it daily on your phone
• Tell her what it is you want her to never forget about why you love her

You never know when a day may be your last. Let today be the day you renew your focus to invest in your daughter’s life daily by choosing to intentionally deposit that which you want her to forever remember about you.

Be specific about how your love deposit will be expressed. And may the way you complete this sentence guide what you say and do from this day forward:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only one thing to say about me,
I’d want it to be...   

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A Penguin’s View on Fathering

I’m not a girl who tends toward watching documentaries. But sometimes I wish I did since I know they make you smarter.

The reality is that my attention span isn’t long enough to hang in there through the entirety of these kinds of films. I think I border on the cusp of ADHD, which translates to my need to be a bit more active when diving into the deep end of learning.

That said, a couple of years ago I found myself completely caught off guard (and pleasantly surprised) when into my DVD player I popped the movie March of the Penguins after some friends highly recommended it. I had no idea it was an actual documentary or I may have resisted. But once the story began to unfold, I was mesmerized.

In case you haven’t watched it (or haven’t seen it in awhile since it was released in 2005), here’s a brief overview to set the scene:

• Emperor penguins annually march from the South Pole to their breeding grounds at the sea and then turn around to return home.

• he female lays a single egg, which is then incubated by the male (a.k.a. the female transfers care to the male).

• The male endures the violent Antarctic cold for over two months to protect his egg from extreme temperatures by standing while balancing it on his feet where it is insulated by a thick roll of his waterproof feathered skin called a ‘brood pouch.’

• The males huddle in groups to withstand the harsh winds and blizzards, taking turns moving towards the warm center of the pack, thereby sustaining the entire group.

• During this entire time the males eat nothing, resulting in the loss of up to a third of their body weight while waiting for their chicks to hatch.

• After laying the egg, the female makes her way to the distant sea to feed herself and then bring food back to her newborn chick.

• Once the female has returned, the male then makes the long trek over the ice, even up to 60 miles, to find food.

But before I go any farther, I have to share a couple of exact quotes from the movie that powerfully underscore the incredible role of the father and his relationship to his chick: (I know…can you believe how much of a documentary geek I am now?!)

“The penguin fathers will have gone without food of any kind for over 125 days and they will have endured one of the most violent and deadly winters on earth...all for the chick.

Then after the baby is born and before the father treks 70 miles back to the seas the father and his chick sing to one another, making sure each knows the other's voice. It is the only way the two will find each other when the father returns.

It isn’t long before the fathers return home, their bellies heavy with food. The chicks will gather at once to meet them and sound their calls. The returning fathers will circle the excited newborns and listen until he hears his chicks’ call…The return is a joyful one and very quickly the young’s belly will be full again."

My heart was deeply moved as I watched the very active role that every single one of the male penguins took in the nurturing and caring for their offspring, often at great cost to themselves.

I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this, so to state the obvious: Male penguins have it down when it comes to fathering!

I can’t help but think that if every human dad took note from these amazing creatures and emulated their behaviors, it would positively change our culture like never before.

Thus, without further adieu, here are the obvious take-aways, the clear directives, the vital life-giving action steps modeled directly by the male Emperor penguin to every father on earth if he wants to have a vibrant relationship with his daughter [or son]:

1. Step into your fathering role by sharing responsibility for your daughter’s care, ready to nurture and invest on a daily basis.

2. Be willing to endure the harsh elements (a.k.a. emotional storms that rage both inside her being----moods, reactions, responses----and outside herself---friendships, choices, activities, education, etc.) for longer than you’d prefer as you protectively hold her and allow her to “stand on your feet” while she becomes strong and secure enough to stand on her own.

3. Find other dads who are pursuing their daughter’s hearts and take turns in supporting each other (while standing close enough to hold each other up) in your goal to be an awesome, dialed-in dad.

4. Find the balance point between sacrificing your wants and needs with that of giving to your daughter’s needs in order to keep her alive.

5. Get close enough to recognize and know her unique voice (a.k.a. this means taking the time to listen to her talk), especially after busy seasons when you’ve been less available at home and in her life.

6. Let her recognize and know your voice too (this means time together sharing stories and creating positive memories).

7. Express joy when seeing her---which is an expression on your face that clearly communicates that you are happy to see her (which will go far in depositing love into the depths of her heart).

8. Lead her while feeding her spirit and soul with the overflow of your life as you seek to be well-rounded and healthy yourself.

This kind of action-oriented, sacrificial, attentive, and intentional gift from you as a dad to your daughter is something that money can’t buy and something that will subsequently equip her to fly from the nest and change the world because of your investment.

In closing, I’ll never forget the time in the early days of The Abba Project when I asked a group of busy dads why they were taking the time month after month to gather together and learn about fathering. After an uncomfortable 60-second pause (which felt like 60 minutes), one of them finally spoke up and said, “It’s because we love our daughters.” They all readily agreed.

There really isn’t anything a dad wouldn’t do out of love for his daughter, is there? Especially when it’s “all for the chick.”

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Three Little Words That Will Change Your Daughter’s Life (and they’re not “I love you”)

My dad, like every dad, has things he’s done right and things he’s done wrong when it comes to parenting.

There are things he’s proud of (especially the things that were 180 degrees different from what his dad modeled to him) and things he’d rather forget. 

But from my vantage point as a daughter there is one thing in particular that my dad did right, one thing that stands out among the rest, one thing that has touched my heart deeply and has gone a long way to remedy the mistakes, blunders, and the wishes for do-overs. 

It’s a little three-word response that my dad has said so many times over the years that I’ve lost count by now. They are simply:

“Anything for you.”

I wish I could play you a sound bite so you could hear his tone of voice when saying these words, but I assure you that they’re always said in a really kind way.  I don’t know how he’s pulled it off for decades now, but this is truly where he’s gotten it right time and again.

These words are grace.
These words are mercy.  
These words are generous. 
These words are unmerited favor.
These words are good for my heart. Really good. The hot-fudge-with-whipped-cream-and-sprinkles kind of good.

I can’t explain how three little words can change everything, but they do.

I’m guessing there are times my dad truly hasn’t wanted to step up to the plate and give of himself to meet my needs, but he doesn’t let me know that part.  He just says these three magic words and gives them as a gift to me.  

And because my “emergencies” and his schedule don’t always line up, this is definitely a priority thing on his part. Whether it was my broken down car on the side of the road, or my water heater that went out at 9 pm. and meant he had to drive over late at night when he’d rather be winding down, or the times he’s insisted on mowing my lawn despite his hip causing him pain and being in need of surgery.  He has cared about the things, little and big, that matter to me.

You may not know this but my dad literally lacked a role model in the fathering department. His dad was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old.  Suffice it to say, being a father was the last thing my dad had a clue about, especially being the father to four girls! But somehow he learned (and was willing to learn) from watching other dads, which proves that any dad can turn things around in his generation regardless of the template he’s been given.

Truth be told, sometimes life has a way of communicating and reinforcing a message to us women telling us that we ask too much. For me personally (when this view is in the forefront), I wind up believing that I need to prove that I’m tough and can navigate things on my own without asking anyone for help, let alone my dad. 

But this really isn’t healthy. Or good. Or realistic. 

It’s a paradigm that spells disaster because we’re created to need connection and relationship. Simon and Garfunkel understood this concept in spades as they captured the heartache of someone who is closed off from love in their 1965 hit song I am a Rock:

"I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." 

Bottom line:  1. Relationships dispel isolation.
2. It doesn’t work to be self-sufficient where we pretend to be without needs.  

Dad, you have the power and the privilege to meet your daughter’s needs, whether or not they seem legitimate or of high priority to you.  Listen to what she says and then offer to come alongside and offer your help.

Why not take the step today and add this life-changing vocal triad to your repertoire. 

You’ll get to watch the core of your daughter’s soul take flight as she hears you respond to her convenient and inconvenient requests with these three little yet BIG words:  

“Anything for you.”

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Dadvice: Soften Your Tone

I am hopeful by now that you, Dad, really know that I’m one of your biggest fans.  To underscore that fact, I have a tagline on my website that truly captures my heart, which is simply this: Helping Dads Become Heroes.

You’ve heard me say time and again that in order to be a hero, you have to take action. Think:  Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man. Now think: You.  

Truth be told, superheroes can’t hold a candle to you because you have the ability to take your superpowers and use them to touch your daughter’s heart and life in profound, forever ways. You as a superhero are the first man to love your daughter. That is your most incredible superpower.  

I know that you want to see your daughter grow and bloom and soar. I believe your deepest desire is to mold and shape her in ways that hold her in good stead throughout her life.

Yet because you’re a mere mortal and not super human, your mask and armor come off when you get home. That’s where things sometimes don’t always line up between your head and your heart. That’s where the emotional switch gets flipped on and buttons get pushed. That’s where you say things you later regret, leading to the need for making amends.

If I could offer one piece of advice to help you achieve your goal of being the best dialed-in dad you can be, I would say this:  

Soften your tone...

Or to say it another way:  Your tone changes your tune. Your daughter will hear you differently if your tone of voice is more gentle. 

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

Over time I’ve come to discover, both from interacting with dads and daughters, that men don’t always realize how their intense their vocal tone actually is. In one fell swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to the heart. To her heart.

Oftentimes as men you think you’re talking in a gentle tone to your daughters, but to them it sounds like a harsh command. They hear your words as an order being barked at them. I know you don’t hear it that way, and you’re confused because your sons never seem to have a problem when you talk to them like that, right?

And though fathers sometimes say that their daughters are the ones who have the tone problem because of their big emotional reactive responses, I would suggest that change has to start with you. If you stay soft, she will calm down. 

So how do you activate this stance of softening your tone?

1. Give yourself a time out.

And not just a random number of minutes. I suggest one that is synonymous with your age. I know that might sound crazy but it works in the same way with adults as kids. If you’re 50, then you need 50 minutes after being enraged or frustrated to calm down. Decide here on the front end that you will never set limits, correct or instruct when you’re angry and emotionally activated. Walk away and come back later. That way there’s less chance of saying something you’ll regret. It’s always a good idea to wait until your emotional midbrain has returned to its normal state before engaging in a potentially intense interaction. 

2. Find another dad to be accountable to.

I continue to be aware that men are most highly motivated when there is competition and/or camaraderie. So why not find another father who is working on softening his tone and then challenge each other to change the way you interact with your kids. Touch base at least once a month and encourage each other to stay the course. 

3. Ask your daughter for periodic feedback.

Since your goal is to nurture her heart space, why not use her feedback as a template to gauge how you’re really doing. Let her know you’re working on this and then invite her to give you input. This will add yet another layer of accountability as you ask your daughter to weigh in.

I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who doesn’t want their relationship to be healthier and stronger. And I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who isn’t happier and more hopeful when their relationship is on track and in harmony.  

But if the bridge has been bombed out between the two of you due to this exact issue of heart hurts, there is no better time than the present to soften your tone and change the dance.

She’ll be glad you did.  So will you.

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Dad, What is it About Women and Their Shoes?

A couple of weeks ago I was walking down the sidewalk and complemented a woman on her cute outfit, only to have her turn her head as she passed by and say, “I love your shoes!” 

In and of itself that comment might not be worth mentioning except for the fact that I’ve heard that exact same thing about those exact same shoes from so many women over the past five years (yes, my shoes are that old) that I’ve lost count! I don’t know what it is about them that catches the eye, but they’ve definitely been quite the conversation starter time and again. 

I even remember wearing them four years ago when my pastor interviewed me one Sunday morning about The Abba Project. Both of us sat on stools, which is significant to note because my shoes were apparently more readily seen from that vantage point than had I been standing.  

Fast forward to the next Friday as I stood in line at Staples while wearing my infamous pair of shoes when a women who had been in that church service sheepishly approached me and said, 

“I wasn’t sure if that was you but then I looked down and saw your shoes and definitely knew it was you!” 

Her comment was so delightfully funny to me that I took a picture of my feet right then and there and immediately shared the serendipitous story on social media. Suffice it to say, the responses poured in and my shoes again were the talk of the town! 

Of course, now that I have your curiosity stirred, I might as well show you what this notorious pair of footgear actually looks like:

All of this simply raises the question: What is it about women and their shoes? 

Because I write this blog to help fathers better understand, relate to, connect with, and dial in to their daughter’s heart space, it seems worthy of underscoring the fact to you dads that: shoes matter. 

Don’t ask why. They just do. 

Although I realize this all may sound a bit ridiculous, I might as well continue and say it another way: Maybe there’s a correlation between caring about your daughter’s heart and caring about your daughter’s feet. 

Since we’re on the topic of that which dons the foot, let’s go ahead and step into the land of pedicures, shall we? 

It’s the rare woman who doesn’t love a pedicure. I guess there’s something about being pampered and having beautiful toes that “meets a need” in us girls. 

Now I’m guessing that you may have had this thought cross your mind a time or two and if so, it may have sounded something like this: If God wanted you to have painted toenails, He would have made you with them. 

But that, my friend, is not going to get you very far if you really want to connect with your daughter. Of course painted toenails aren’t a necessity. But sometimes it’s those little, unnecessary things that you do that really show you care. Truth be told, it says so much about our worth and value when you, Dad, tune in to the non-essentials, not just the essentials.  

 And though I truly am saying this tongue-in-cheek, I guess this podiatry focus resonates with the heart of God in a way because He has gone on record as saying: 

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news.” 
(Isaiah 52:7) 

Perhaps if God Himself values beautiful feet doing a good thing, could it be that He also supports a dad who follows His example by valuing the same? 

All this to say, why not take a step forward and trust that your daughter will be blown away if you decide to show love to her feet. 

Think of it as supporting that which holds her upright as she stands solidly and confidently in who she is, grounded in the truth that her dad cares about the soles on which she is positioned. 

I doubt you’ll ever look at her feet the same after reading this blog. So why not use this as a springboard to invest in the beautiful feet of your precious daughter today. Trust me: she’ll be glad you did!

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Car Keys and Testosterone

Think back to when you got your driver’s permit somewhere around the age of fifteen.

Do you recall times when you stepped on the brake a little too hard or when you drove a little too fast and threw caution to the wind? Or what about that time you accepted the challenge to see who could hit 100 mph the fastest?

Whether you knew it or not, there was a lot going on hormonally that impacted your driving. Your testosterone levels were at an all-time high, and your voice (and your entire life actually) was trying to find which octave to settle down in.

Attention, memory, spatial ability, and aggression are all affected by testosterone levels. Your body was adjusting and learning how to stay in balance at the exact same time that you were being trusted to navigate a moving vehicle. Kind of scary when you think back on it now, huh?

Yet it was all part of the learning curve.

You learned by practice and experience, by doing things too much or not enough.

It’s the same with your daughter when it comes to finding and using her voice. As she hits puberty (and for many girls puberty is starting earlier so this may apply to your daughter even before the age of twelve), she will use her voice too much at times and not enough at others. She will inadvertently run into walls sometimes, and even crash and burn.

But just like when you were a new driver and needed support as you navigated life behind the wheel, your daughter needs your support as she develops into a young woman who is learning as she goes.

Let grace be your guide.

She desperately needs your kind encouragement instead of high expectations, your rules backed by a supportive and respectful relationship, with no criticism or harsh critique so she can find her way on her path to growing up.

If you truly want to assist your daughter in this voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

You can’t tell her that you want her to use her voice out in the world if you aren’t willing to let her practice finding it, using it, and honing it at home.

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day.

It’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy.

It’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather.

But if you want to raise a daughter who is strong, vibrant, healthy, and confident, then you must gently and respectfully respond and interact as she is learning to use that amazing voice of hers.

Yes, this will take a boatload of strength on your part, especially when you want her to stop wrestling through the tough issues of life, from rules or guidelines to spiritual questions to boundaries.

Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold, you as her dad are setting the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice.

But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice.

Let her practice with you.

(Today’s blog is an excerpt from page 92 in my book Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart). 

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Dad: it's not about being perfect, it's about being present.

I read a story a couple of years ago that has stayed with me ever since.  

Some stories have a powerful way of doing that, especially when they go straight to the heart. Today I shared this story with a dad who unexpectedly found himself tearing up while hearing it. Because of his response, I figured that was all the nudge I needed to now to tell it to you.

A few years ago a pastor named George Brantley spoke on the topic of fathering to a student body of 1,100 at a Christian college in Texas. After spending two days with them he ended by offering a “safe hug” to anyone who needed one.  

It was said that, “What happened next was both tragic and astounding.”

One by one, hundreds of young men and women made their way to the front of the auditorium while many stood in line for over three hours, all to experience a “safe hug” from this man. Apparently there were so many who sobbed on George’s shoulders that it literally ruined his jacket and shirt.

Think of the power of that exchange and what this story signifies. There was such a powerful longing for the strong arms of a safe man to wrap around them that they waited for minutes and even hours just to receive this small deposit into their emotional bank account.

In a matter of only two days this father figure so impacted these college students that they found themselves drawn to his authentic love and gift of safe touch. This was a father who showed up and was present, even with kids who weren’t his own. 

All he did was offer to put his arms around them in a gesture that affirmed and communicated love. The result? They lined up and waited their turn. For hours. All for a hug.

My friend Paul Young is like that. Some would say that his hugs heal. I count myself among them and can affirm that his hugs have definitely been healing for me. 

Safe hugs have a way of doing that, even without verbiage. They touch the depths of who we are and warmly say that it’s going to be okay, and more importantly, that you’re worth loving.  

That is the epitome of what being present looks and feels like.

Dad, your daughter needs your physical, loving arms around her. Daily. 

Did you know that the research overwhelmingly confirms that daughters who are securely attached to their fathers (which is a fancy way of saying that a dad is dialed in and attentive while being close enough to emotionally engage and physically connect with his daughter) have:

• greater academic success
• stronger abilities to handle stress 
• are more vocationally competent, 
• are less anxious and insecure about relationships 
• are more satisfied with their appearance and body weight 
• are more likely to create and to maintain emotionally intimate, fulfilling relationships with men
• and the list goes on

And if my words aren’t enough to underscore this truth, listen to a couple of responses I heard when I posted these words on social media this week: “Dad, it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present.” 

    Elaina wrote, “I can’t click ‘like’ enough times!”

    Bonnie wrote, “This needs to be shared OVER AND OVER.”

Dad, she doesn’t need you to be perfect.  She just needs you to be present.  And this is the kind of “present” where you show up in physical form with hugs ready. No words required.

Ready. Set. Hug!

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Bad Hair Days and How Dad Can Save the Day

It's a Friday afternoon in August.

2:30 pm. I had just gotten my hair cut and it turned out way shorter than I had wanted. The cut wasn’t bad--it just wasn’t what I expected.

5:30 pm. My parents pick me up and we head to Panera for dinner. Of course I vent about my haircut. For ten minutes. It was then that my mom (who is the sweetest, most gentle and tender soul on the planet) turned around and lovingly said to me, “Do you think we could be happy now and maybe just move on?”

I’d love to say that I received her invitation with grace and thanksgiving. But no. Here’s what you would have heard if you were a fly on the inside of the car door as I responded with depth and maturity (not!):

“How do you think my clients would feel if, after ten minutes of being in my office, I told them that they’d had enough of feeling sad for today and now it was time to move on and be happy?”

I then added, “I have the privilege of listening to people’s struggles all week and now it's my turn to be listened to. But you want me to be instantly happy. I figure things out by processing and I just need you to listen as I talk it out. That is a gift to me.”

My cute momma said she would try to listen more (even though she’d clearly had enough of my bitchin’ and moanin’). But I kind of shut down after that, even though I was trying hard not to.

Through all of this my dad was sitting in the driver’s seat of the car, not saying a word. He held the ground steady as the ripples of the earthquake that started in the backseat were making their way forward. After living with four daughters and a wife, he’s learned at times like this that it’s best to stay silent until the storm has passed.

5:55 pm. We walk into Panera. The emotional air is thick around us but we order our food and try to salvage the evening as a best we could. My dad tells me that he really likes my haircut.

“You do? You’re not just saying that?,” I eek out.

“I think it is shaped nicely around your face and looks great on you.”

“For real? You promise you really mean that? Okay, I’ll try to believe you...thanks Dad.”

Hearing my dad’s truth about my hair helped me to look through his eyes and settle down. I guess I needed a man’s perspective more than I even realized.

My dad got it right that time. His tone, his truth, and his timing were spot on.

6:05 p.m. I can breathe again. Now I’m ready to enjoy eating a fantastic Greek Chicken Salad with a whole wheat baguette on the side. Partial melt down complete. Total melt down averted.

I don’t know what happens at times like this for us girls when the world seems to cave in over a seemingly insignificant thing and it’s hard to regain solid footing. That’s when dad wins the triple word score by saying just the right thing in just the right way at just the right time.

It doesn’t have to be a ton of verbiage, but your calming presence, Dad, and a few words of affirmation seem to do the trick.

The emotional torrents where the winds and waves hit unexpectedly have a way of dying down when the response from you parallels the desired outcome: soft, gentle, tender, rational, clear. That’s when you save the day. That’s when you save our day.

Dad, you can rescue a bad hair day and help turn it around by following a few simple steps.

Let’s call them the “Five Hair Don’t’s and Hair Do’s”:

1. Don’t talk louder in an attempt to overpower her intensity when she’s overwhelmed.
Do talk softly and gently (even if that doesn’t seem very manly!).

2. Don’t tell her what to feel or not to feel.
Do tell her you’re truly sorry she’s having a hard day.

3. Don’t tell her she is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Do tell her that mountains (of emotional intensity) are part of life and you’ll always be at the base of the mountain, ready and steady.

4. Don’t tell her that she needs to toughen up.
Do tell her that her sensitivity is one of her greatest strengths while teaching her by your example what it looks like to stay calm in the storm and work it through.

5. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t care about external things, like haircuts.
Do tell her that you care about what she cares about (even if you can’t fully understand it from her perspective).

On the worst hair day, there’s nothing like having a dad who is in your corner cheering you on, telling you that you’re going to be okay while affirming you through the process.

Dad...don’t ever forget how much we need you through the high’s and the low’s of life. You are one of our greatest resources when you come alongside us and help save the day.

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Six Words That Will Make You A Better Dad

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes? I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked them (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I now had the tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion and overwhelm rise, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “Here, you’re a girl---you handle it.”

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy? The answer, he says, is more attachment, not less.

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her ups and downs?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of the overwhelming odds.

Now we'll fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter, Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright.

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Notice that this dad brought himself to his daughter’s problem. He was willing to invest his time and his resources to help her, all before he knew what it was she even wanted.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.”

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her. She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.”

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted without holding back?

Do you notice how he offers himself as the solution to her request?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for? Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” It’s not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.

Who would've thought that a father from the 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century can use to unlock their daughter’s heart?

Thanks Caleb for being a fantastic role model of a dialed-in dad.

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