10 Things Dialed-In Dads Don't Do

This blog was originally posted on September 26, 2014

Being a dad who stays the course with your daughter is easier said than done.  Let’s be honest, when she was younger and used less words she was easier to track with.  But as she has matured and grown, so have her needs and wants…and words!  That’s often where you dads get overwhelmed and lost.  

As a way to support your deep desire to truly dial in to your daughter’s heart, here are a few things that I’ve learned along the way, ten land mines to avoid if you want to raise a healthy, vibrant, loving, and spirited daughter.  

Here’s what not to do and say if you really want to be a fantastic dad:

1. Tell her she’s too emotional

The reality is that as women we have 11% more neurons in our brain centers involved in hearing and language as compared to men, leading us oftentimes to be better skilled at expressing emotions. I’ve even read that women retain emotional memories more vividly than men do, which serves as another piece of the puzzle when it comes to you as a dad honoring the wiring of your daughter, particularly when it comes to emotional responses.

2. Require her to talk calmly and rationally in order to communicate with you

I do understand that most men “flood” [a.k.a. zone out] when there is too much emotion coming at you because it feels like you need to fix and have the answers.  However, the more you can be a sounding board as your daughter vents and expresses, the more of a gift you are to her.  When we can talk and express while feeling our emotions, the more calm we will automatically become as a result.  Just remember that you don’t have to fix it.  Listening to her is the best gift you can give.

3.  Criticize her

There’s a difference between choosing certain times to correct or discipline and putting her down or highlighting the things she’s doing wrong.  One researcher talks about the concept of a “Love Bank,” saying there needs to be five deposits to every one withdrawal to make a relationship strong.  If you have something that needs to be addressed, be sure and pack a lot of positive, life-breathing, encouraging statements around your corrections and it will have a much higher success rate of responsiveness.  Remember the 5:1 ratio…daily.

4. Tease her about her weight or any part of her body

I understand that guys tend towards teasing each other about body parts and it’s no big deal.  Not with us girls.  We remember things that are said, even in jest, forever.  Everything. Make sure to never, ever, under any circumstances tease her about her weight, her size (breast size, pant size, etc), or any imperfections on her body.  Those words will stay with her long after they’re said.  And even if she seems to laugh it off, those reminders of her flaws are hurtful and will most likely lead to less self-confidence, a negative body image, and possibly lead to an eating disorder. 

5.  Put her mother down

Whether you’re still married or divorced, when you demean, criticize, or speak negatively about your daughter’s mom, you are essentially criticizing her. She will hear it as you saying that you think she will turn out the same way.  Because every daughter sees herself as some sort of reflection of the woman who brought her into the world, she uses mom as a reference point for understanding herself.  Look for the positives in mom and point them out to your daughter.

6. Think your actions behind closed doors don’t matter or are inconsequential

We’ve all heard the adage, “do as I say, not as I do.”  But really, who is kidding who here? As a dad, just remember that the choices you make when no one is looking are the things that define you and measure your integrity. Let your actions on and off the court be filled with self-respect if you want your daughter to live out her morals, beliefs, and values as well.  Let me say it another way:  Be the man you want her to marry.  It starts with you, dad.

7. Forget her birthday

Each of us has an innate desire to be known and even celebrated.  But simultaneously we as girls don’t always feel we’re worth the party.  This is where you as her dad come in.  Your investment of time, energy, and money tells her that she’s worthy, valued, and loved.  Make sure to join in the celebration on her birthday because it shouts, “I’m glad you were born!”

8. Compare her to her siblings

Although it might slip out of your mouth, try and avoid ever saying, “Why can’t you be more like…”  You see, we girls compare ourselves to everyone else without prompting.  So if you add to that reality, it only adds more fuel to an already existing fire.  Make sure to let her know that she’s one of a kind even though much of the time she may feel like she’s one in a million.  Let her know she’s unique and beautiful just because she’s herself.  

9. Speak in anger

If I had a quarter for all the times I’ve heard daughters, most often with tears running down their cheeks, tell me about the wounding that has been experienced as a result of dads anger, I’d be rich.  Words spoken in anger do the most damage to a daughter’s heart over anything else I hear from girls about their relationship with their dads. If you want to have your daughter’s heart stay open to you, make a contract with yourself to never speak in anger to her again because it destroys her spirit and her soul.  Take a time out to cool off and come back when you’re calm.  You’ll never regret waiting to speak.

10. Give monetary gifts rather than yourself

In a world where life seems to be increasingly speeding up faster, it can be easy to give things more than yourself to your daughter.  Remember that she wants and needs you, your heart, your attention, and your time more than any monetary thing.  You, dad, are the gift.  And when you give her you, it communicates to her that she is worthy of your attention and focus.  Any notes you write her will become treasures.  Don’t be surprised if she saves them forever.  Why?  Because your view of her matters more than all the rest…honest!

Let me end by saying that this backwards template is designed to put a creative twist on this concept of being a focused, dialed-in, intentional and consistent dad.  I’d love to hear back from you as you put these concepts into practice.  Write me and tell me your stories at drmichellewatson@gmail.com or www.facebook.com/drmichellewatson or @mwatsonphd on Twitter.

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Dr. Seuss Weighs in on Fathering

It's Archive August! This blog was originally posted on 4.10.2015 

As we all know, in any profession there are brilliant and skilled doctors who have expertise and know-how in very specific areas.  

Not unlike docs in the medical, dental, or psychological professions who bring their best to their patients, there is another doctor with whom most of us grew up, someone our parents turned to time and again. No, I’m not talking about Dr. Spock (who literally was the “go-to” guy for my mom as she raised me in the 60’s).  I’m talking about Dr. Seuss!  

I love the fact that in some of his well-known children’s books he actually addresses the relationship between parents and kids.  Most of us (actually, I mean me) perhaps never really thought of it like this until now, but I think that Dr. Seuss could probably enlighten us on a thing or two when it comes to father-daughter dynamics since he is the most infamous children’s doctor of all time. 

Of course the beauty of a childhood story is that we don’t always have to give much thought to every minute detail.  But being that I’m a shrink, I do have a curious desire to ponder what subtle undertones might be conveyed in this classic, Hop on Pop.  Let’s review what the good doctor was saying, shall we?   

Here is an excerpt:  (feel free to read along as you reconnect with your “inner child!”)

Sad.  Dad.  Bad.  Had.

Dad is sad.

Very, very sad.

He had a bad day.

What a day Dad had!

Hop.  Pop.

We like to hop.

We like to hop on top of Pop.

STOP. 

(Pop now finally sits up with a stern, angry look on his face while two bewildered children sit stunned as their dad says…)

You must not hop on Pop.

After this section in the book we don’t hear about dad again until the end (which has me a bit confused regarding the title since there’s really not much coverage of the actual hopping on top of Pop!).  

Then finally, right before the last page, we’re introduced to one more important thing about dad. We discover that he can read big words like “Constantinople” and “Timbuktu.”  I don’t know about you but it’s nice to know that the father in the story is intelligent and capable.

The question I now pose is this:  What has Dr. Seuss taught us about fathering and could there be any life lessons tucked into these few short pages? 

Let me take the liberty to highlight a few things I’ve gleaned from Hop on Pop:

1. Dad has emotion.

2. Dad doesn’t hide his sad emotions from his kids (especially his very, very sad ones).

3. Kids like to play with Dad. 

4. Dad lets his kids get close to him even when he’s had a bad day.

5. Dad allows his kids use him as a jungle gym (maybe it doubles a new kind of “play therapy” to cheer dad up after a hard day while also meeting his kids needs).

6. Dad has a limit on how much interaction with his kids he can handle when he’s stressed.

7. Dad abruptly STOPS the connection of interactive play when he’s had enough (a.k.a. dad sets a boundary).

8. Dad is smart and understands complex words and concepts.

These eight observations about dads are one thing, but now I’d like to take it a step further and translate them into eight things I believe are important for dads to know in relation to their daughters based on the “deep insights” taught by our favorite doctor:

1. We daughters are very dialed in to your emotions and moods, dad.

2. It’s okay to be real and let us see your sad emotions as well as your happy ones.

3. We like it when you are approachable even on your very bad days because we care about you.

4. We need you to let us physically connect with you on good and bad days; truth be told, sometimes we need safe touch from you on our hard days too (By the way, did you know that when you hug or kiss someone that oxytocin is released in your brain, which counters cortisol, the stress hormone?  Lesson: Give more hugs and kisses on your very bad days and you’ll both feel better).

5. We know you have a limit on how much you can handle and it’s understandable when you’ve hit that point.  

6. We’d prefer that you not scream and shout at us when hitting your max capacity but we do like knowing you’re human.

7. It’s okay to set a boundary when you need to, but please remember that you are teaching us how to handle intensity by your example. 

8. We really do like the fact that you are smart and can decode big words and concepts.  We love it when you educate us on things you understand and know.  And even if you can’t solve all the world’s problems, for some reason we like to believe you can.  

So there you have it:  A few thoughts about fathers that I, as a daughter, think are worth underscoring about the father-daughter relationship.

Why not choose one of the things listed here and make it happen today with your daughter: 

• Show vulnerable expression of your “softer” emotions (like sad)
• Hug her even if you’ve had a bad day
• Lovingly (not abruptly) communicate when you’ve had enough or are maxed
• Set healthy boundaries with her by modeling what that looks like
• Teach her something new so you can both grow smarter together 

Thanks Dr. Seuss for teaching us a thing or two about little kids and big kids alike from your vast base of knowledge.  We’re deeply indebted to you and are ready now to “hop” into action! 

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Thinking Backward

It's "Archive August!" This blog was originally posted on February 6, 2015.

If you’ve ever played sports (which I assume includes all of you in one way or another), you know that every single time you step onto the field or court, you always know where the goal is. Always.

The goal has everything to do with the direction you run, the points you make (or miss), and whether you win or lose.

The energy you expend is always oriented toward the goal because that’s where the points are. That’s what counts.

Without a clear goal, you can’t play the game.

Without a clear goal, you can’t win the game.

With your daughter, it’s the same way.

As you think about “the game you’re playing” (I’m using game as a metaphor to capture the essence of the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you, not as something fake in your relationship), are you clear about the goal you have in your relationship with her?

I can’t think of too many dads I’ve met who are clear about the goal or outcome they are shooting for with their daughter. Maybe a general idea, but not a specific goal.

And for a goal to work, it has to be clear, specific, measurable, and achievable.

Dad, I ask you this: Have you taken the time to honestly and directly state for yourself your goals as a father with your daughter?

Using the sports analogy above, it may help to think of it like this: If your end goal is to launch your daughter at the age of 18 as a healthy, confident, authentic, clear-minded, and vibrant young woman who is ready to take on the world, what are you currently doing to help her get there? Or let’s break it down further, what is your "halftime assessment plan" if she is nine years old and you’re about half way there?

I’m going to add one more layer to this concept of goal setting with your daughter. I call it thinking backward.

This time I recommend that you think about not just the here and now, but also about the future. It can be a new way of looking at the present by imagining the end of your life and thinking backward from then to now. I’m not trying to be morbid. Just stating a reality that we all have to face.

We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint.

So I invite you to ask yourself a tough question, one that will allow you to be brutally honest with yourself while sitting in the reality that you are leaving a legacy for good or bad, whether you want to or not.

What do you want your legacy to look like? For real.

You will literally change the course of history through your active engagement with your daughter at the heart level. She will carry you with her after you leave this earth. Your legacy will live on through her in proportion to your heart investment in her.

Though you won’t be around forever physically, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life. A theory in the field of psychology claims that some adults have an internalized parent who lives on inside them. Long after that parent is gone, the adult child may still seek to please the parent who is no longer around to see the performance. So again I ask you: What are you doing now to make sure your daughter hears your encouraging, supportive, loving, grace-filled, validating, inspiring, and motivating voice in her head forever?

Carefully consider the following statement, and then finish the sentence in your own words:

Looking at the response you just wrote, is it a head response or a heart response? I knowyou wrote a heart response. How do I know that? Because every dad I’ve ever invited to finish this sentence has written a heart response.

Here are some of the things I’ve heard dads say they hope their daughters would say about them at the end of their lives:

“There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do or give for me, even at a cost to himself.”

“I never doubted his love for me.”

“I knew he adored me.”

“He loved the Lord with all his heart and soul, and he loved me in the same way.”

Dad, if I could take one more minute of your time I want to encourage you to take what you wrote in the box above and break it down into three action steps. (Remember that action heroes have to take action in order to be a hero.)

For example, if you wrote that you want your daughter to know you love her, write HOW your love will look. Be specific. You might write something like this:

1. I will drive her to school every Friday while stopping at Starbucks on the way so we have a tradition that is ours and ours alone.

2. I will take her on a dad-daughter date once a month as a way to let her know by my actions that she is worth my time, money, and energy.

3. I will write her a letter every year on her birthday to tell her the exact ways I’ve seen her grow in that year while making sure she hears why she is special to me.

Do you see how the concept of love grew legs by the action plan that accompanied it?

I trust that this exercise of thinking backwards will be one that now guides your action steps in the present. I’m cheering you on from here. Go Dad!

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ABC'S of Fathering

It's Archive August! This blog was originally posted on 11.14.14.

Ever since John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, was released twelve years ago many of us been referring to women as “Venusians” and men as “Martians.”  

I realize that guys got the short end of the stick on that label (sorry men!), but regardless of descriptions this book really does sum up the obvious:  men and women are from two different planets.

We don’t think the same. We don’t talk the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t live the same. Our wiring is different. Our needs are different. Our priorities are different.

This brings to mind something that one of the dads in my group inadvertently said one session. He wasn’t sure of the name of the original book title so in talking about the differences between men and women he said, 

“Women really are from Venus and Men are from…is it Pluto?!”

He didn’t say it to be funny but we all roared with laughter.  I told him I actually like his version better than the original!

I didn’t realize this until later but experts say that the distance between Mars and Venus is anywhere between 35 and 222 million miles while the distance between Venus and Pluto is actually farther than that. The distance between Venus and Pluto is actually three billion miles, which probably more accurately reflects the gap between men and women!  

For a lot of dads who start this journey of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts they think their relationships can’t get any closer.  They’ve resigned themselves to believing that the three billion mile gap is not only normal but is a fact that can’t be changed or altered.  

I talked to a couple of dads just this week who have admitted to blowing it with their daughters.  Each one is now living with relational distance as a result.  They feel they’re going to have to live with it the way it is.

I’m standing here shouting a message of hope to these dads and each of you by saying, 

“Yes, it can be changed…

but YOU are the one who has to move your planet closer to hers.”

In the past five years since starting The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads with daughters between the ages of 13 and 30), I’ve slowly been learning to speak Martian.  I guess you could say that I’m bordering on being bi-lingual!  

One of the main things I’ve learned about speaking Martian is that you men don’t like too many words. You want me to get straight to the point. You want an action plan, and you want solutions that work.

Following that grid, here are three “quick-and-to-the-point” components to being a dialed-in dad, something I like to call “The ABC’s of Fathering.” 

Action.

I’m guessing that every one of you had a favorite superhero growing up.  I’m also guessing that the reason you identified with your particular crime fighter was because he took action.  Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion?  Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering.  In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart.  And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you would like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to):  daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually.

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality dude and not a dud is to model the kind of guy you want her to walk down the aisle to. You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a great verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it.  And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, stay-the-course dad is a daughter 

• whose heart will stay open (the opposite of a “sick heart”)
• who will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree"
• who will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed in the research) 

When your daughter consistently experiences that she can trust you, she will internalize your positive view of her. Your steady, dependable, reliable, and faithful pursuit of her heart will yield dividends that will last long after you’re gone.  She is your forever investment.

And like I say in my book:  The harder the work, the greater the value.  And the harder the work, the greater the reward.  Your daughter is worth the work.  She is your reward.  

So there it is.  A “1-2-3, A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it.  And there’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and the dad your daughter needs you to be.  

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How to Damage Your Daughter in One Easy Step

[You may be asking yourself, “Haven’t I read this post before?!” My answer is, “Hopefully, yes, and please read it again!” Why? Well, because I’m taking the month off to rest and refuel for a busy season ahead! 

For the month of August, I’ll be reposting four of my “Best Of" Dad-Daughter-Friday blogs. May “the second time around” provide you with new insight, or the chance to put something into action you haven't yet tried. If you’re new to my blog, welcome! I look forward to September, when I'll be back with fresh thoughts that express my passion for dads dialing in to their daughters. Thanks for traveling with me this last year.  Here's to another great year of walking together.]  Original post 10/17/14

I met a young dad today who enthusiastically told me about his adorable 2½-year old daughter.  His face lit up and his eyes smiled as he shared about his little treasure, one who clearly holds the key to his heart.

When he found out that I’ve recently written a book to dads about daughters he leaned in and very intentionally asked, “In 20 seconds what advice can you give me as a dad to a daughter?”

I didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Make sure to always drop your anger.  Anger is the number one way to hurt your daughter’s heart. So even when she pushes your buttons as she gets older, make a commitment not to respond in anger as a way to assert your power because it is the most effective way to destroy her and close up her spirit.”

Though my 20 seconds were up, he was all ears.  So I kept going.

“Just like Malachi 4:6 and Luke 1:17 both say, it’s all about turning your heart and not just your head towards your daughter.  In fact, God says that if the hearts of fathers don’t turn towards their children that He will come and strike the land with a curse. Pretty intense, eh?”

After our short conversation I walked away and thought that perhaps my response was too negative. I wondered if it would have been better to have told him what TO do instead of what NOT to do. 

But on second thought, the reality is that my reflexive, intuitive response was based on three and a half decades of interacting with girls and young women.  I’ve heard more stories of heart hurts from dad’s anger than anything else.  I knew I had to speak boldly and honestly in an attempt to plant this seed in his heart and mind early.

Here are five main ways that a dad’s anger impacts his daughter: 

• Your anger destroys her spirit.
• Your anger shuts her down.
• Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
• Your anger causes her to give up.
• Your anger makes her believe she unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.

My belief is that every one of you dads wants the opposite of these five things when it comes to fathering your daughter.  

You want her to stay open in her spirit and live strong from her core.  You want her be all of who she is created to be, coming from a deep knowledge that she is loved and worthy of being loved with the ultimate expression being that she is able to share her love with the world.

With that in mind, here’s the bottom line for you, dad:  The only way your daughter will achieve this goal is for you to stay the course consistently, daily. 

• Instruct her without anger.
• Discipline her without anger.
• Dialogue with her without anger.
• Disagree with her without anger.
• Lead her without anger.

Choose today to set a new course by determining that when triggered you will walk away and get your feet back on the ground before responding.  Of course you are human, so when you’ve hurt her, humble yourself and make amends.  Ask forgiveness. This is also a heart healing, heart restorative move.

Here’s how I know this can be done:  If you were offered a million dollars to stop being harsh for a week or a month or a year, you would be motivated to do it, right? Your daughter is your million dollar investment!

Make a covenant with your mouth not to vent anger at your daughter from this day forward.  

Instead, be the life-breathing, positive voice in her head that motivates and inspires her, because there’s nothing better than a daughter who knows in the depths of her being that her dad is FOR her!

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The FATHER Formula: 6 Ways to be a Dialed-in Dad

I know we all have quirky things about us. Among my many quirks is the fact that I love acrostics. They make it easier for me to memorize and remember things. So here is one that might click for you as you engage and re-engage your heart with your daughter in an ongoing way.  

Whether you’re a dad who is already dialed-in or you are a dad who knows there is room for improvement, this way of looking at where you’re at could help you “kick it up a notch” today.

Here are Six Key Areas of Focus if You Want to be a Dad Dialed-in Dad to Your Daughter…

First love---Reflect back to when you first laid eyes on her

    Get out pictures when she was a newborn and toddler---I guarantee that you will fall in love with her all over again! Doing this will help to turn your heart towards your daughter and keep your heart open, especially if you’re in a tough season with her.

Affirm---Love Bank = Making 5 deposits (positive interactions) to every 1 withdrawal

    Dr. John Gottman has discovered this ratio to be the key to sustaining a healthy relationship. How many positive, affirming deposits have you made into your dad-daughter relationship account lately?

Tune in---To her world and what matters to her, even if it’s not your thing

     Take time to enter into activities that interest her. Do them together if you can (without only hiring “experts” to get up close and personal). Show her by your actions that you love her, all the while remembering that her reactions and responses matter to her even if they don’t make sense to you (like when she has a meltdown over a bad hair cut, which is always a very big deal to us girls). Proactively invest in validating her while remembering that she is a work in progress and process…just like you. Give her grace to be her age.

Humor---Make time for fun and laughter while intentionally investing in enjoying her

    Come up with ways to engage her in things that bring a smile to her face…and yours. Listen and watch for what makes her laugh and then connect with her around those things. Find ways to laugh together. You could ask her to write a list of her Top 10 Favorite Things That Make Her Laugh or Smile. Follow up by actively investing in creating memories around those things.

Engage---Decide to proactively and consistently learn about her life by asking questions to draw her out, not questions to interrogate her

    Trust me, she’ll be able to tell the difference! Remember that your goal is not to lecture but to help her to open up so the two of you can have deeper, honest, heartfelt dialogue. Be sure to talk with her, not at her. If you notice she’s disinterested, change the subject and work hard to talk about what she’s interested in. Doing this in between times you have to set limits will help the conversations be padded with love.

Recalibrate—As the adult you have to make the first move in leading and pacing

    No matter what your relational history looks like, it’s up to you to activate her heart by consistently dialing in and letting her know you care. It’s about adjusting your responses to her as a father because it’s up to you to lead by example. And if your daughter doesn’t want to connect in person right now, you can change course and write to her (click here and here to read my last two blogs this month for more ideas on how to do that).

Summing up:  Your daughter needs you to dial in to her heart. Being a dialed-in dad means you are committed to doing exactly that with your daughter in some way, big or small, every single day. 

Don’t give up---pursue her with real love that takes action!

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Dadvice: A One-Step Way to Strengthen Your Daughter’s Identity

Last week’s blog was about writing a letter to your daughter and it prompted many of you to write and tell me that you were on board. (And just for the record, I love hearing from you!) So this week I thought I’d add another layer, one that will bring depth and breadth to your writing experience.

But first, let’s take a walk down memory lane.

I am guessing that when you and your wife/partner went through the process of choosing a name for your daughter it was a very big deal. No doubt you labored to get just the right one.

You probably ruled out the majority of them because at one point or another one of you knew someone with that exact name who didn’t wear the title very well.  

Yet somehow…finally…after months of deliberation…when hope was almost gone that you’d ever agree, the perfect one emerged!

Then you both pondered it for a couple of days (or weeks) just to make sure it sat well. You may have even spoken it out loud a few times while considering every possible nickname that might be derived from it, culminating with making sure it tucked itself nicely next to your surname.  

And the more you let your mind wrap around that final choice, her beautiful name began to take on a life of its own, like music to your ears. You eagerly anticipated how your little offspring would soon come alive to the sound of that name, a name that you had given her, a name that would be forever linked to her identity as a girl and a woman.

It was that name that became the hook upon which your heart would hang all the love you could ever imagine giving to your precious treasure.

And even now you probably don’t have to reach very far back into your memory bank to recall the first time she cooed and smiled as you called her by name, an experience that left you feeling things inside your heart as a man that you’d never felt before. It was then you knew you were a dad.

And all of that was tied to your little girl being called by her name. By you.

I’m here to tell you that she still needs to hear you lovingly say her name.

But not only that. If you really want to hit it out of the ballpark as a dad, you can teach her the origin and meaning of her name to help her more fully understand who she is. In doing so you give her a gift that will deeply impact her heart.

When I was thirteen years old my dad started meeting bimonthly with me and my younger sister. The poor guy didn’t have a clue how to be a dad to daughters yet when a mentor suggested that he meet individually with his girls to help lead and train us, he was committed to giving it a try. I was nervous at first because I knew it would be awkward, just him and me. But it got easier over time.

He covered topics like dating, overcoming fear (since I struggled big time in that area), sibling relationships, and even explored the meaning of my name. This all was new and intriguing, and I remember being most impacted by this idea of knowing that my name had an origin long before me that was tied to generations of women whose name I shared.

I still recall learning that my sister’s name meant she was gracious, which gave her one thing to focus on. But upon opening the name book and reading about mine, my heart sank. I hated what I read. At first, anyway.

I was overwhelmed at the enormity of what it would require to live up to its meaning when I learned that Michelle was a Hebrew name that meant “who is like God” or “godly woman.” Here I had an inbred assignment to embody the entire character and nature of God Himself! Yikes!

But there’s a flip side of that overreaction. At the same time that I felt burdened with the task at hand, it also meant that God and I had a deep personal connection because my name was tied to Him.

Here I was an insecure teenager with a bad complexion and wonky emotions, but now I felt tied to a Person much bigger than myself. This honestly helped give me a stronger sense of identity beyond what I could comprehend at the time.

Learning the meaning of my name gave me something solid to hold on to.

Did you know that you can reinforce the strength your daughter’s identity by highlighting the fact that her name actually has historical roots and meaning? And by doing so you are emphasizing and celebrating her who (who she is) and not just her do (what she does).

It’s one of the most powerful ways to breathe life into her because it ties to her core, to that special part of her that is as unique as her DNA.

Why not take ten minutes right now to look online for the meaning of your daughter’s name and then write her a note to tell her about it. You can even share one or two examples of how you see her living out that meaning.

I guarantee that she will thrive upon hearing your affirmation because her name gives her something powerful and good to connect to. Being a dad who affirms his daughter by underscoring the rich qualities attached to her name will put you in the top tier of fathers in the world.

Do it today:  Find the meaning of her name and put it in writing. You’ll be glad you did…and so will she!

(To support your venture, here are three websites where you can type in her name and quickly find everything you need:

• www.meaning-of-names.com
• www.ohbabynames.com
• www.babynames.com)

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"How to Write a Letter to Your Daughter that She’ll Never Forget"

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. In a world where written communication is most often casual (texts, emails, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out.

I’ll never forget when Abba Project dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He had completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The beauty of putting your thoughts, dreams, love, truth, and feelings for your daughter into written form is so that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her both now and for years to come.

How do I know this?  Because I and many other girls save our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a heart story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card for all of us girls by using a template on his computer (you can do the same thing by going online and doing some exploring). Without a doubt, my all-time favorite card is the one he made for my 50th birthday. He made a list of 50 things he and my mom love about me and number 33 is the one that melted my heart:   

“She loves the frogs at her house.”

         My 50th birthday card from my dad.

I laughed uproariously when reading that because I had no idea he’d remembered such a seemingly insignificant thing that I’d said. But it showed me that he had listened when I said I absolutely love the sound that the choir of frogs make twice a year at the end of my street. It’s music to my ears. And he counted it among the things he loves about me.

I share all of this to say that whether or not you’re artistic or creative, just the fact that you notice and bring to light the unique things about your daughter, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, you are providing a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

If you’re a dad who has already begun this practice, then great.

Yet whether or not you’ve written letters before, here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now?  (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her 

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life. 

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become. 

On your mark, get set, write.

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What Does it Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually?

Dad, I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide suggestions about what I believe it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life. Please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest reverence.  

I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing.  

But I would like to propose some ideas of what I believe it means to spiritually lead your daughter. This is not only based on my experience, but also from first hand information I’ve received from girls and young women over the past 35 years who have shared their hearts with me about what they would like more of from their dads.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:

• Let her see you engaging in your own spiritual practices. Because more is caught than taught.  
   
• Pray with her about things going on in her life, which means that you’re asking her questions about her life, boys, school, work, commitments, friends, activities, etc. (I know that dads often are intimated by the idea of praying, especially out loud. Truth: you don’t have to be perfect at it. Let your daughter see you try, even if it’s awkward. It’s okay to say just three sentences in prayer…your daughter will be impacted by you praying over her and with her because it’s your heart that matters).
   
• Reveal your own questions about spiritual things. Let her know you have questions about God, the Bible, theology, church practices, etc. while demonstrating that asking questions is normal and healthy. Find answers to her questions and make it fun to search for answers with her and on your own. Make it a creative process to find answers. Then report back on what you find.
   
• Write out a prayer for her in a note, through a text, or an email.
   
• Open up about what you’re learning from the Bible…or a book or study (not in a way that preaches at her or has hidden statements to convict her. This is about you sharing what you are personally gleaning spiritually in your own life. Be vulnerable and honest).
   
• Share how God is convicting you. This one may be harder to open up about and one where discretion obviously is warranted, but if you let your daughter know how God is speaking to you, followed with modeling the fact that you are listening and responding, this will go farther than any lecture you can ever give her.
   
• Tell her what God is doing in your life. Talk about answers to your prayers.
   
• Ask her what she believes.  Listen, learn, and no lectures. Ask questions to draw her out without necessarily sharing your beliefs at first because if this is new for you to dialogue about spiritual things, it may take awhile for her to open up honestly. Wisely choose your words without lecturing. Take an interest in her beliefs and look through her eyes.  Seek to understand her.
   
• Go to a Christian/spiritual concert with her by one of her favorite artists.
   
• Attend her church with her or invite her to yours. Talk about the sermon afterwards.
   
• Sing worship/spiritual songs with her and listen to the lyrics that touch her spirit.  
   
• Ask her to share about a spiritually significant time in her life. Then share one of yours.
   
• Buy her a book on a spiritual theme. Read it with her. Share what you both learn.

Investing in your daughter’s heart spiritually is a key part of being a dad who leads. And though the majority of men I speak with disqualify themselves from spiritual leadership for one reason or another, I implore you to be a dad who goes against the norm as a statistic-breaker by being a father who intentionally invests in this way. 

Think of it as taking the initiative to lead her spiritually in the same way you approach sports. As you step up to the plate with the bases loaded (a.k.a. there’s a lot of pressure on you), it’s your turn at bat. If you put your whole body into it and swing hard, the rest will take care of itself. You just have to push past your fear and do it.

Start today by choosing one action item from the list above and the rest will fall into place.

Your confidence will build as you see the positive impact in your daughter’s life…and yours.

(If you would like to print a free pdf of the 13 prompts in this blog, called “The Baker’s Dozen for Leading Your Daughter Spiritually”, just click here.)

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Dad, Be the Positive Voice She Hears Even When You’re Not in the Room

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately twenty thousand words per day while males use seven thousand. Is that a crazy significant variance or what?!

Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men. Read on to see what she means by that.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words. (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right?  Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you are often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken).

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures.  And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

Stated another way, words have great value to females, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her or they can breathe life into her. It’s your choice.

Though I’ve often said that “a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way,” I once heard him say something that has stuck with me: No relationship is neutral. At any given point you are either contributing to, or contaminating, the relationship.

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• not speaking (which is neutral and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text her, email her, call her, Skype/FaceTime her, or write her a note (when you take the time to put something in your own handwriting, it makes it extra meaningful and girls love things like that)---just to tell her that you love her and are so thankful that you get to be her dad.

She’ll remember it forever. And trust me, she needs it.

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.

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