Why I Sometimes Feel Sorry for You as a Dad

So Dad, I know that you don’t always have it easy when it comes to trying to understand your daughter. As a girl myself, I can truly say that much of the time we think you can tell what we’re feeling or needing or wanting just because mom does and it seems obvious to us that you should be able to figure us out, too.

That’s where my heart goes out to you, because I really do know that the art of mind reading isn’t something that's taught in any Martian courses I’ve ever heard of! (Reference: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). It’s really not fair to you that we expect you to “get us” without us giving you any help or guidance. So here’s my attempt at putting words to some of what I believe is going on between you and your girl.

My summary of what I see when it comes to male-female communication dynamics is simply this:                 

             Men read on the lines and women read between the lines.

Men tend to be straightforward and say what they mean, and mean what they say. Not a lot of hidden agendas or hidden meanings. In fact, this is why most men are exhausted just trying to keep up with all the possible meanings that we women give to events, relationships, situations, themselves, outcomes, etcetera! 

Women, on the other hand, tend to pretty much read into everything. This is just how we’re wired. It’s a DNA thing, I guess you could say, because every woman I know has this same behavior going on. We try to rise above, yet deep down we’re always wondering if your tone or look or inflection or mood or stance—basically anything and everything that’s going on with you—could possibly mean that you’re mad or unhappy with us. We women excel at looking under, over, alongside, and through every conversation, every look, every voice inflection, and every facial expression. 

When it comes to daughters and dads, daughters are constantly reading between the lines of their interactions (or lack of) with their dads. Whether there’s a lot of interaction, little interaction, no interaction, reactive interaction, humorous interaction, or loving interaction, every single girl is interpreting every single interaction, good or bad, between her and her dad. 

She is continually sorting out who she is and where she’s going in life. She’s constantly wondering if she is “this enough” or “that enough” while questioning whether she’ll be able to keep up or make a difference or live out her own dreams for the future.

This is why her dad’s reflection back to her about the "truest truth" of herself helps her to understand and know herself better. 

Let me put it a bit more clearly...in a way that is stated on the lines, and not between them: 

If you, dad, laugh at her jokes, she tells herself, “I’m funny.”
If you discuss politics and world events with her, she tells herself, “I’m interesting.”
If you draw her out, asking her opinion about a fact, theory or line of thought, she tells herself, “I’m knowledgeable.”
If you ask for her help to fix something, she tells herself, “I’m capable.”
If you ask her to help you brainstorm about buying a present for mom, she tells herself, “I’m clever.”
If you applaud her for her achievements in sports, grades, music or work, she tells herself, “I’m competent.”
If you enthusiastically affirm her artistic endeavors, she tells herself, “I’m creative.”
If you celebrate her academic prowess, she tells herself, “I’m smart.”
If you actively listen to her while she is talking, she tells herself, “I’m engaging.”
If you teach her to say “no” and then respect her boundaries, she tells herself, “I’m strong.
If you light up and brightly smile upon seeing her, she tells herself, “I’m delightful.”
If you respect her opinions about topics ranging from literature to spiritual things, she tells herself, “I’m wise.”
If you treat her with kindness, understanding, tenderness, and love, she tells herself, "I'm worthy."

And on it goes. There is no end to the impact on a daughter from the messages her dad gives her. 

The bottom line is this:

Head, or cerebral, interactions rest ON the lines.

(they are predictable, factual, informative, and content-driven) 

Heart interactions rest BETWEEN the lines.

(they are intuitive, connected, emotional, sensitive, and heartfelt)

The clearer a dad’s positive messages are to his daughter, the less reading between the lines she will need to do. She will thrive as she knows and feels that her father delights in her. 

Why is this? Because when a girl feels her dad’s heart turned toward her, she believes there is nothing she can’t do because her father knows best. She then is free to be all she was created to be.

Let this day be one where you make a decision to grow in reading between the lines of your daughter’s life by getting closer to her heart space to hear what she’s saying. Practically speaking, this could look simply like affirming her when she least expects it or choosing to write her a note to encourage her “just because” or even surprising her at school with her favorite coffee drink or smoothie to let her know she’s your treasure and you are so glad to be her dad.

These action steps, my friend, will go a long way toward helping you read between the lines in your daughter’s life because you’ll be targeting her heart needs in ways that speak loud and clear to her. 

And the more you practice reading between her lines, the clearer her headlines will become. 

Lastly, here's a printable handout entitled "Dad, Here are Your Lines."  Hopefully, it will come in handy whenever you're trying to bridge the communication gap with your daughter!

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Heart Turns Yield Great Returns: An Investment Strategy for Dads of Daughters

When I launched The Abba Project in January of 2010, it came on the heels of reading a story in the New Testament that particularly struck me. It was about a dad named Zechariah who was told that his son, John, would help “turn the hearts of fathers to their children.” For some reason, the way those words were strung together jumped out at me differently than it ever had before. 

At that time, the main thing I took away was that I was being given a really amazing yet daunting assignment to help equip dads to be more intentional with their daughters. As time’s gone on, however, I’ve pondered the significance of the carefully scripted, unusually worded phrase, “turn the hearts of fathers.” 

I’ve never had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” toward them, have you? 

A much more common expression is “turn my head.” Turning our heads is so instinctive and automatic that we don’t think about it when it happens. We just do it, in response to motion, to noise, to anything that catches our attention. Turning our heart, it seems, isn’t so reflexive. It’s directed by a decision, a choice, maybe even a passion. 

For most dads, it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head, or cerebral, level. Turning the heart is typically more difficult for a man to do. 

Most girls I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their dads. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out a FAFSA (federal student aid form) to opening a bank account. The reality is that we need and value our dad’s rational, logical, intelligent minds to help us navigate life.

This then raises the question: Why did God talk about heart turns and not head turns?

I firmly believe that a turned heart from a dad to his daughter will do more to deposit love, confidence, value, and strength into her life than anything else he could do.

A turned head:

• implies that information is being exchanged. 

• means that something or someone has caught the attention of another as mental activity is stimulated. 

• is the seedbed of thought and deliberation, of consideration and contemplation.

• is where choice originates and decisions are birthed. 
  
  The language in the story of Luke about a turned heart is less intuitive for men and takes more work than a turned head. 

And I figure that God must have written this directive about a turned heart for a reason, which means that not only is it possible for dads to do it, but it also must be important or he wouldn’t have worded it this way. Because this language is intentional, it invites the question whether there’s a difference between a dad turning his head and turning his heart. 

A turned heart:

• implies emotion and connection. 

• can bypass thought, perhaps even words. 

• is responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. 

• communicates a depth of openness and availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. 

• is about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance. 

And a girl can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. 

Case in point: You’re watching the game. It’s your team against Notre Dame. Fourth quarter. Score is tied. She comes in crying. You tell her you’re listening. One ear toward her. One ear toward the game. One and a half eyes on the game. Half an eye on her. Bad timing. Dilemma.

If you’re serious about turning your heart, expect to be inconvenienced. 

As you head into this next week, why not set a goal to consciously raise your awareness and ask yourself every day if your heart is turned towards your girl. Use the above list that clarifies what a heart turn looks like to assess whether you’re getting close enough to see her eyes, feel her emotion, and hear her words.

I cheer you on today, Dad, and trust that your heart turns this week will outnumber your head turns. Become an expert “heart turner” and your daughter will be the beneficiary of your efforts!

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The SCARY Side of Fathering a Daughter

Since tomorrow is Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week. Enjoy!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past six years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.”  

This emotional reality for dads take place when:

• she requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb
• her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally cannot always keep up or figure her out
• she asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are
• you wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now “that boy” seems to have taken up residence in her heart space, in the exact same place that used to have a “No Boys Allowed” sign on the door
• you blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious flower in one fell swoop if you’re not careful
• you fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold prickly chill in the air and noticing that her emotional walls are up, yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall
• you face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”)
• you realize you are a physical representation on earth of her Father in heaven and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do.

I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father. But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends.

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the frightening and confusing dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind. I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart:

1. See… Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2. Hear… Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3. Smell… Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter (particularly if she’s in “one of her moods”) by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: Compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.

4. Taste… It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (A current Abba Project Dad just drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She can’t stop talking about it! Way to go dad. You created a forever memory!)

5. Touch… If safe touch calms babies, how can it not be what we still need as we age? Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (A recent Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she developed physically around the age of 13, but then started doing it again while he was in the group. The results of their re-engaging with healthy, interactive physical contact was positively amazing to their relationship!)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicating love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so that the SCARY side to fathering loses its grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear, you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re scared!

Go Dad!

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Dear Theresa...(My Letter to a Fatherless Daughter)

Meeting you this past weekend changed me. You are extraordinary. You are courageous and fierce. You are a warrior. And at only 15 years old you are a heroine in my eyes.

Hearing your story about your dad leaving years ago and not looking back touches me deeply. I am still grieving with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend who seems to have captured his gaze rather than seeing you makes me sad with you and for you.

I’m not just sad for the here and now impact to your heart, but I’m worried that you might end up believing that you aren’t beautiful enough to capture a guy’s attention. Please don’t ever settle for anyone who makes you feel less than the exquisite gift that you are.

Hearing that your dad hasn’t called you for two birthdays in a row but that you’ve had to call him makes my heart ache with you and for you.

Hearing that your dad does things with your brother and not you leaves me feeling emotionally heavy because you are most likely internalizing a message that you are lacking, that you are not valuable, and that you aren’t worthy of his time. I hurt with you and for you.

Hearing that you and your mom now live in a homeless shelter as a result of all this, where you have to navigate public transit across vast areas of the city due to being uprooted and displaced renders me almost speechless, with an intense combination of dismay and anger. I’m overwhelmed with you and for you.

Hearing that you still long for a relationship with your dad who seems to have forgotten you brings me to tears for you.

I know you said that you stopped crying years ago. But I felt your tears deeper than your words, tucked just behind the internal valve where you shut them off awhile back. Please know that your tears are a sign that you are alive and real, that you have a precious heart that feels deep. Don’t interpret crying as a sign that you are weak and pathetic.

You, my dear, are strong and brave because you are still upright. You are strong and brave because you aren’t bitter. You are strong and brave because you get up every day and go to school and have relationships and love God and embrace people. You are strong and brave because you have dreams beyond where you are right now. Never stop dreaming!

Please know that your dad’s failure to give you what you’ve needed isn’t about you. It’s his stuff, not yours. His inability to be a father who notices you, makes time for you, pursues you, invests in you, and celebrates you is not because there is something wrong with you. Honey, it’s your dad’s own brokenness that keeps him from being a dialed-in dad.

On the darkest of days when your deepest self wants to believe the lie that you don’t matter because of the way your dad has treated you, just know there are truths beyond what you’ve experienced. These truths exist because they are rooted in the One who makes these promises and stands by them.

Your Abba Dad adores you just for being you.

Your Abba Father created you and wove you together perfectly. He knew you before you were born and He delights in you!

Your Abba Daddy calls you His own and will never, ever, for any reason, at any time in your entire life ever abandon or reject you.

Your Abba Father has your name tattooed on His hand and will always remember you by name (if you want proof of this, read Isaiah 49:16).

Your Heavenly Father loves you with a forever love and cherishes you every minute of every day. His consistent love for you will never stop.

And last, remember that you share a name with one of the most honored and respected women of all time: Mother Theresa. Her legacy remains because she brought genuine compassion to those who hurt, those who were marginalized and rejected, and those whom society deemed worthless and undesirable. Her dad died when she was only eight years old and some speculate that he was poisoned by his political enemies. I have no doubt that similar to you she experienced fear due to these intense circumstances. She too had to navigate life without her father around.

And just like your namesake, you can turn your pain into your passion. You can invest deeply out of the well that has been dug deep inside you. Your calling isn’t fully in view yet but you can change the world as your longings are funneled by love.

Theresa, you are a treasure. To me. And to your Abba Dad.

Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life this week.  

With love, Michelle

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Dad, Help Your Daughter Find Her Voice

I’ve heard it said that communication is 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.

If you do the math, you’ll see that this means that 93% of communication is nonverbal.

How’s that for significant? This little statistic serves as a reminder that as a reflective listener, we often say more by what never comes out of our mouth.

Think back to a time when your daughter tried to tell you something when you weren’t fully dialed in. Then (in your estimation) she reacted in a way that seemed entirely inappropriate to the situation. And there you were, completely dumbfounded because you had no idea how she leapt from a zero to ten in intensity over something seemingly insignificant. At least to you.

Two words: nonverbal communication.

In his book Dads and Daughters, Joe Kelly talks about the importance of a dad tuning in to his daughter’s voice:

"Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening, or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once. If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen, even in the most ordinary moments."

Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened resource she has.

Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—she is much safer and surer.

Dads, I can’t underscore enough how intensely vital it is that you help nurture these qualities in your daughter.

I share below some responses from girls between the ages of thirteen and thirty to the questions, "What is something your dad doesn’t understand or know about you?" "What would it be like if he knew?" As you read, listen to these girls’ heart cries to be heard, known, and embraced by their dads.

• “I don’t think he understands that I can handle things by myself sometimes and that I’m not a little girl anymore. I also don’t think he understands that I don’t like the way that he asks to know things, and doesn’t really even listen to me when I talk.”
   
• “I care what he thinks and I am not as stoic as I seem. I don’t know what it would be like if he knew about it, but it scares me to think about him knowing that I am vulnerable.”
   
• “I don’t think he understands how I could have sex at such a young age, but also I know that he doesn’t know that I have had an STD before. It would be weird if he knew about the STD because that isn’t something a father wants for his little girl.”
   
• “My dad doesn’t know that for about six years I truly believed that he didn’t like me. I felt like everything I did annoyed him and irritated him. I thought I didn’t live up to his expectations. I would tell my mom this all the time and ask, ‘Does Dad hate me?’ I wasn’t doing it for attention. I internally, 100% believed that he didn’t like me and didn’t want a relationship with me. It hurt so much feeling like my own father didn’t like me.”
   
• “Something he doesn’t know is the pain that I will always have about some things in our family. I’ve told my mom about it, but I’ve never told my dad. I know he’d just blow me off and say, ‘There’s nothing I can do about the past.’ He always says that.”
   
• “There are a lot of things he doesn’t know about me—just because we don’t talk that much and aren’t that close. I don’t share many details of my life with him. But on a bigger scale, I am not sure if he realizes how much his parenting affected me and how much he hurt me.”

Dad, do you hear the heart longings in every one of these daughters to be special to her dad?

This is a need, not a want.

My friend Emily is a wife and mother of two boys. While choosing to parent differently than she was raised, she tells of the pain she felt growing up because her dad “was always too busy for her.” She talks about him being around physically but not emotionally or mentally. He was a pastor and was doing “God’s work,” and she knew she couldn’t compete with that.

Emily recalls sheepishly knocking on the door of his office at the age of seven and being afraid that she was a bother to him. His responses usually confirmed her worst fears. Not only has she carried around debilitating fears like an invisible knapsack ever since, but her childhood insecurities have continued to intersect with every relationship throughout her life. She and her dad have come far in repairing their relationship. Emily is working on healing and letting go. She’s finding her voice. It’s beautiful.

Be a dad today who helps your daughter to find and use her voice.

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Dad, Here’s Why You Want Your Daughter to Push Back, Fight, and Even Disagree With You

Most dads I’ve talked with tell me they want their daughters to grow up to be confident, empowered, emotionally healthy women who are strong in their morals, convictions, and beliefs. But what happens when your daughter pushes the boundaries at every turn and challenges the values you are trying to instill, despite your best efforts?

Let me tell you the story about a 24-year old young woman named Danielle.

Danielle is the youngest of four children and is one of those girls who has always loved to push the boundaries. At home. At school. In relationships. Simultaneously, she is a self-proclaimed “Daddy’s Girl” who says that the worst thing imaginable would be to disappoint her dad.

Honestly, Danielle has contributed to the bountiful population of grey hair on the heads of both her mom and dad. And all three of them would tell you that the highs and lows of life have been way more extreme than any of them would ever have chosen or thought possible.

Yet somewhere in the midst of six to seven very challenging years, Danielle has emerged into a young woman who has now found her voice. She has gone from being a self-described “victim” to an assertive, bold, straight-forward, confident, gutsy young woman.

She would tell you that none of this would have been possible without her parents' support. More specifically, she would tell you that none of this would have been possible had her dad pulled away and stopped loving her through the process.

In her own words Danielle says, “Truthfully, I think that had my dad pulled away and stopped loving me through the hell I put him and my mom through, I would have lost myself even more than I did. And to even think about that being a possibility back then, is a scary thought.”

So here you are as a dad who wants to launch your daughter into adulthood in the best way possible. But sometimes I’ve discovered that dads with this intention are also the same dads who want their daughters at home to:

• obey without question
• compliantly follow their rules
• stop most (or all) intense emotion, and
• not use their voices to assert themselves, especially if it’s in opposition to her parents values

Dad, if you truly want to assist your daughter in her voice-finding venture, here’s something to keep in the forefront of your mind:

I realize that it’s hard work to listen when you have no margin after a long day.

I understand that it’s hard work to stay calm when she’s wordy or mouthy.

I acknowledge the fact that it’s hard work to track with her when her emotional intensity is as unpredictable as the weather and seems to come at the most inopportune times...

            Danielle and her parents today!

Yes, this will take a boatload of strength on your part, especially when you want her to stop wrestling through the tough issues of life---from rules or guidelines to spiritual questions to boundaries. Just keep reminding yourself that if you want her to be strong and bold then you as her dad have to set the foundation for her to be a critical thinker by going through these ups and downs with her.

• Be her sounding board as she talks things out.
• Be patient with her in the process of figuring out what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about, especially when it deviates from your hopes and ideals.
• Be a role model of patient steadiness, remembering that she will change her mind probably a dozen more times in the next few years regarding what she thinks, believes, wants, needs, and dreams about.

She’ll come through it one way or another. And with your loving acceptance she’ll figure it out, even if she’s off course here and there on that journey (according to your values or timetable, that is).

Like Danielle says, “If there is one piece of advice I could give other dads struggling with their relationship with their daughter, it would be to NEVER give up on her and NEVER make her feel anything less than a beautiful deserving young woman that can accomplish anything she wants to in life. Maybe she will shut you out at first, but that doesn’t mean you should give up on her. She needs someone to fight for her and show her she is worth so much more.”

As your daughter matures, she will be all over the map in knowing how to properly use her voice. But like anything in life, the only way to gain expertise is with practice.

Let her practice using her voice with you, Dad.

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Dad, Don’t Let Your Daughter Lose Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland, but then again, maybe you have!

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

I acknowledge that at first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, teenage Alice Kingsleigh, inadvertently tumbling down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards. Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is supported by the quirky Mad Hatter (played by Johnny Depp) who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” whom he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.”

Then he hits a home run insult by indisputably declaring his observation as he tells her, “You’ve lost your muchness.”

When I first heard that line in the movie there was something about the unusual expression that caught me off guard. Surprisingly, tears welled up in my eyes as  these unique words reverberated inside me. For I, too, have wondered if I’d “lost my muchness” somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away for a moment.

I sat there and pondered over what my muchness would look like if I actually even had it. Or worse, I wondered whether I even had any muchness in the first place.

If you’re asking yourself: What on earth does Michelle mean by “muchness?” I will answer by defining it in relation to your daughter. “Muchness” is:

• that part of her that is passionate and scared, all at the same time;
• that part of her that sometimes wears you out yet is tied to her calling and gifting;
• that part of her that makes her uniquely spectacular!

For me, just like with Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been positive. In fact, the first memory that comes to mind is that of my elementary teachers (yes, more than one) writing four infamous words on my report cards:

                “Michelle talks too much.”

(Cue visual memories of me standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself!)

Scanning further in my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “much” folder is that of the comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me things that he thought were “too much” about me. According to him I used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, I laughed too much, I weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long. You can read more about it on page 147-148 of my book).

Here’s why I’m telling you this story.

It’s because I can relate to Alice in that somewhere along my life journey I began to believe that I didn’t have any muchness, which translated to letting others define me rather than using my own voice to stand strong. All of that morphed into an internalized belief that I wasn’t enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough (which is another way of saying that I’d “lost my muchness”).

As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies, a guy who seemed to ally with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me.

Alice though, by the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. Though afraid, she boldly faces her fears as she fights and then slays the dreaded Jabberwochy. As she steps forward, sword in hand, she boldly declares her truth with a heroic battle cry, “Lost my muchness, have I?”

I LOVE that line!

Alice uncovers a newfound courage by going through the battle to discover who she really is, which includes living out her destiny to end the Red Queen’s evil reign of terror. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

It was up to her and her alone to fight the dragon in order to save the kingdom.  

But the deeper emerging truth is that she faced her own dragon, and in the process saved herself.

Dad, the questions I pose to you are these:

• Has your daughter found her muchness?
• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by helping her take steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?
• Is there a battle she needs to face that inherently holds the key to her discovering and embracing her muchness?

Dad, you are vital to assisting your daughter on her journey to find and hold on to her muchness. Or if she’s lost it, to help her to find it again.

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible
• Encourage her to dream past her fears
• Remind her that she has to face obstacles in order to be fierce
• Let her know that you will always be there to cheer her on
• Communicate that you believe in her until she believes in herself

Because the truth is that your daughter’s muchness will change the world.

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25 Things To ALWAYS, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, Say To Your Daughter

Last week may have felt a bit brutal with me giving you 25 things to never, ever, under any circumstances say to your daughter.

I couldn’t leave you hanging without a guide to lead you back to center court. So, in a similar fashion that uses as few words as possible, is straight forward and to the point, here are 25 things to always, under all circumstances, and as much as possible say to your daughter if you want to be a dialed-in dad.

Here’s a list of what TO say to your daughter:

• What did I ever do to deserve such an incredible daughter like you?!

• Do you know how grateful I am to be your dad?!

• You look so beautiful today

• You get prettier with each passing year

• You’re right, I don’t understand you right now but I want to understand. Can you help me understand?

• I’ll be here for you no matter what. Any time, day or night, I will do my best to be available. You can text or call me when I’m at work or out-of-town and I’ll figure out a way to respond as soon as I can

• I want you to know that I enjoy you

• You are going to make a great wife and mother some day (if you choose that)

• I’ve seen so much growth in you (list specifics)

• Tell me what you’re learning in school (or work)…I’d love to hear

• What was good about your day today?

• What was hard about your day today?

• God broke the mold when He made you! You are one of a kind!

• You are completely unique and gifted (list specifics)

• I love you just the way you are

• You could never disappointment me, no matter what you do or don’t do, because I love you unconditionally

• What a treasure you are. Any guy who gets to date you (or eventually marry you) is a very lucky man

• In my eyes, you are the best of the best

• I am so proud of you

• I like who you are

• I love you

• You are amazing

• I look forward to our dates where we get to spend time together, you and me

• I’m sorry…will you forgive me?

• I want you to know that no matter what, I will always be your main man

In order to really dial in to your daughter’s heart space it’s going to require hard work and intention. And we all know that nothing worthwhile and valuable is ever easy. Hard work is required in business and this is all about bringing your best work ethic home.

Remember that your view of her, the one that is communicated from your mouth to her ears, will be paramount to the view she carries about herself throughout her life.

I encourage you today to carry this list in your pocket or on your phone and then choose to say one of these things daily to your daughter over the course of the next month. In fact, I've attached a printable handout below listing things not to say, from last week's blog, and things to say from this week's blog...

In closing, Dad, watch what happens in her as a result of your focusing on saying life-giving words. Write and tell me about what takes place in her…and in you. (You can reach me at michelle@theabbaproject.com)

Dad, What to Say (and Not Say) to Your Daughter.PDF

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25 Things to Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstances Say to Your Daughter

I’ve had the privilege over the last five and a half years of fine-tuning my understanding of men through The Abba Project (if you’re new to the conversation, this is the dads' group I lead in Portland, OR).  

As a result, I believe I’ve grown to understand and appreciate where you as dads are coming from. The truth is that I really enjoy hearing honestly from fathers about what it’s like to be in your shoes, especially as fathers to daughters.

Through my conversations, what I hear repeatedly from men is one of two responses:

1. Tell it to me straight with as few words as possible (a.k.a. get to the point!)
2. Tell me what to do to fix it.

In an attempt to prove that I, as a woman, can speak in a way that is straightforward with minimal verbiage, here is my bullet point list of some exact, specific things that you as a dad should never, ever, under any circumstance stay to your daughter. EVER.

Why?  Because what you say will echo in her head and heart for all eternity and she will never forget what you say about her, what you believe about her, what you see when you look at her, and what you tell her is true about her. (And sadly, I’ve heard many of these examples in real life).

So with as few words as possible, here’s a list of what NOT to say to your daughter:

• You are one high maintenance girl

• You have always been the most needy of all our kids

• Why do you always make mountains out of molehills?

• You look like you've gained weight (never give her a nickname that emphasizes her size)

• You got yourself into this mess so don’t come running to me…you have no one to blame but yourself

• Stop crying…You’re being a big baby

• Do you know how utterly ridiculous and nonsensical you sound right now?

• Pull yourself together and when you can talk rationally and clearly, then come talk to me

• Go talk to your mother…She’ll understand you.

• I gave up trying with you a long time ago

• How on earth do you ever expect a man to want to be with you when you act like this?

• You are wearing me out…I don’t know how much more of you I can take

• You drive me crazy

• When are you ever going to start acting your age?

• You are a spoiled brat

• I have no idea how you have any friends with the way you act…the real you comes out at home

• You are a selfish b#%*…can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

• In my house you will act the way I tell you to act

• Shape up or ship out

• Do you want a taste of your own medicine?

• What did I ever do wrong to have to deal with a daughter like you?

• You are a big disappointment to me

• You are a disgrace to this family

• God must regret having made you

• Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?

I know we’re all human and say things we don’t mean. If you’ve ever said any of these things, go today and make amends with your daughter. It’s never too late to make things right.

You may think that she’s forgotten what you said because it was a long time ago. I assure you she hasn’t. Humble yourself, go now, and ask forgiveness. It will release both of you.

Let today be the day where the words you speak to her from this day forward are only life-breathing and not akin to anything in the above list.

And for the record, this is the first time you’ve heard me say that failing to say or do something means that you’re at the top of the class!

(Stay tuned next week for the counter position titled: “25 Things to ALWAYS Say To Your Daughter”)

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Your Daughter Needs You to Hold Her Safe in the Storm

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, then this one is valued at a million.

When I first saw this picture posted on Facebook it immediately melted my heart. There’s just something about seeing a daddy protecting his little girl that has a way of reaching in and touching the deepest place in all of us.

Photo by Sarah Mueller

I think for those of us who are daughters, we project ourselves into this photo and wish we were the one being held safely in the arms of a dad like this. Even when we’re all grown up.

And if this picture itself isn’t enough, here’s what mom Sarah included as her caption:

We got caught in a huge thunderstorm and flash flood warnings alerted on our phones. Addie was the only kiddo not covered in the stroller, but she loved getting drenched. She keeps talking about it to Tom, "We were in the rain together and you held me." #nycsummer #dctrip

Oh my. Have there ever been more profound words spoken by a three-year old?

"Dad, we were in the rain together and you held me."

The storm itself didn’t scare her.
Being unprepared for the crazy weather conditions didn’t prove to be too much for her.
Even standing on the unpredictable streets of Washington DC didn’t overwhelm her.

Why?  Because her daddy held her. In the rain. Through the storm.

Dad, I know how much you loved the days when you held your baby girl tight as she was scared. You still tear up when you recall how she’d come running to you with her arms outstretched and wanted only you to comfort her. As you reached down to pick her up you felt like your heart would burst with love as you held her close. Back then you would tell her that everything would be all right because you were there.

But then she grew up and didn’t seem to need you as much. And it left you feeling a bit lost. You wondered how were you going to save the day if she found her own umbrella and no longer came running to you when her skies snapped, crackled, and popped.

It was then that you packed up your superhero cape. But along with that a part of you shriveled up. You assumed that now that you weren’t being called to active duty in the same way you once were that now you were unnecessary.

Please hear me:  Dad, we always need you.
You are always necessary.
Whether near or far.
Without you we struggle to feel safe in the downpour.
No matter what age we are.

The reality is that even though we now are navigating storms on our own, we inwardly wish you could be there to shield us and do the heavy lifting when the big bad wolf comes to huff and puff and blow our house down. It would be easier to run to you every single time something hard hits out of nowhere. But we know we won’t grow up if we do that.

At some point we have to stand strong in the storms by ourselves.

And you can rest assured that we’ve taken what you’ve taught us and we forever hold it inside. All that courage you’ve instilled is now a part of who we are.

The thing is that our storms just look a little different now than they did when we were little. But they’re storms just the same. And we still need you to hold us tight, but with a bit more room in between us. Let me explain with a few more clarifying details.

Dad, you hold us safe in the storm and save the day when you:

• come home every night, making us feel safe and cared for
• provide for us and work hard to do so
• love us unconditionally even when we’re prickly and crunchy
• tell us that a B is just as good as an A because we did our best (believe it or not, we’re harder on ourselves than you can imagine and we need you to ally with the part of us that tried, not the part of us that was less than perfect.  Disappointing you hurts more than the low grade)
• spend time playing with us and doing life together
• teach us how to drive without getting frustrated with us through the learning process
• wipe our tears and tell us that he was a stupid boy who doesn’t know what he’s losing
• help us fill out our FAFSA with patience and attention to detail
• show mercy and grace at times when a consequence is deserved
• make amends when you’ve said or done something that doesn’t align with your heart toward us

The list goes on but you get the gist.

The truth is that we need you to hold us safe in the storm, whether the storm is on inside of us as the sky is falling or whether the downpour rages around us. When you’re calm and patient and loving and kind through it all, you are our safe haven.

This is the story of a daughter who feels loved and secure in her daddy's love. How I long for the day when every daughter will know that her dad will hold her safely in the storm.

p.s. And just so you know, the dad in this picture told me: I will never forget that moment as long as I live.

(On this anniversary of 9-11, one of the worst tragedies in American history, I trust today’s blog will serve as a reminder to hold your children close, because we never know how long we’ll have each other. Dad, give your daughter a BIG HUG today, one she will feel to the core of her being. And if she’s far away, call and tell her you will always be there no matter what. Mark this day with an extra dose of action-oriented love that honors those who can no longer embrace those they love).

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