8 Steps to Better Listening for GirlDads (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, two daughters-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set in today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

When a dad says he wants better communication with his daughter, he shouldn’t just jump in and start talking. The first thing he needs to do—and do well—is listen.

Here are eight ideas to practice with your daughter every day:

1. Face your daughter squarely.
   This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture.
   Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level.
   Kneel, squat down, sit on the floor in her room, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact.
   Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your kids to experience with you. (Did you really put your cell phone away?)

5. Stay relaxed.
   If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter.
   Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying.

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback.
   Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your child to open up even more and let you into his life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking.
   But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding.

There are too many adults who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They felt let down then, and still do even years later. You have the privilege and opportunity today to write a new script, to start a new (or renewed) precedent, and to proactively invest in your daughter.

What you do today will last for years to come.

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort.

15 Ways to Be Supportive When Your Daughter is Triggered, Testy, Tetchy and Tapped Out

Fact #1: We all react and we all overreact. It’s part of being human.

Fact #2: We all have nervous systems that respond in specifics ways to incoming stimuli. And when we feel threatened or unsafe, our emotional center (limbic system) alerts us and floods our rational, reasonable center (prefrontal cortex), and that’s things go off the rails.

And that’s when our automatic responses kick in and we respond in one of four ways:

• Fight (“I’ll take you on and I’ll take you down”)

• Flight (“I’m out of here”)

• Freeze (“I can’t move and all I feel is helpless and stuck”)

• Fawn (“I’ll submit and do what you want just to keep the peace”)

Robyn Gobbel is a respected play therapist and personal colleague who has written a phenomenal book titled, “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work.” (She also hosts a podcast I highly recommend, The Baffling Behaviors Show. Check it out and let me know what you learn!). She is uniquely gifted in educating us on powerful ways to understand and regulate our nervous systems, especially highlighting ways to accelerate healing.

I love these her words of insight:

“I know your child has some challenging behaviors that don’t seem to make any sense. Their behavior doesn’t match your experience of reality. But I promise you that it matches theirs. That’s simply how the mind works: We create, and then respond to, our own reality…

As I came to fully grasp this idea, I became less judgmental of others and better at setting boundaries for myself. Now, if the grocery store clerk isn’t friendly, I assume their nervous system isn’t feeling safe. I don’t’ have to take it personally. If I feel up to it, I can respond with authentic kindness----one small gesture toward cultivating more felt safety in the world.

You know what our kids need to be invited into safety? They need for us to be in connection mode.” (pg. 43-44).

I know it’s super hard to be in “connection mode” and want to get close to your daughter when she’s prickly, harsh, mean and reactive. And a new word to add to your vocabulary (since I just added it to mine for this blog!) is in my title: tetchy, which means cranky, easily annoyed, difficult to handle, irritable.

Dad, it’s your job to initiate connection because it’s exactly what she needs, even if she doesn’t know it. This is where you have to tap into your wisdom, maturity, and supernatural power that God alone gives in order to be her co-regulator. This is how she’ll know you’re in it with her.

As you grow in being the best dad you can be to your daughter with a goal of staying in connection mode where she knows she’s seen, soothed, secure and safe, here are 15 ways to be supportive when she’s triggered and tapped out (which is another way of saying she’s maxed!)

1. Be aware.
   This one is first because this is where you have to start. Notice what’s happening in you (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) rather than focusing on what’s happening in your daughter. Get your feet on the ground before approaching her even when she pushes your buttons. Remember that if you react at an 8, 9 or 10 level on a scale of 0 to 10, it’s your own stuff that’s being activated. Settle yourself first or you’ll say or do things you regret.

2. Be curious.
   If you approach her with a desire to understand and listen rather than lecture, you give her the gift of co-regulation. This simply means that when you’re curious, not critical, she will settle down (in time, gradually) because she’ll sense your loving presence. As you use the two words, “I’m wondering” when talking with her, she’ll feel your support. 

3. Be understanding. 
   Commit to learning to pace with your daughter as you sit with her in her intensity. Learn what is triggering for her rather than trying to dismiss what’s going on with her just because it doesn’t make sense or seem like a big deal to you.

4. Be teachable.
   I often talk to dads who say they have limited emotional capacity, and their daughters canb make life difficult because they require softer skills in them. I encourage you to allow your daughter to teach you to expand your ability to sit with emotions and let her know you want to be a student who is willing to learn and grow.

5. Be kind.
   Try to avoid causing additional pain through criticism or anger. And as you listen, be mindful that as you ask questions, she may choose not to open up to you if she feels unsupported.

6. Be patient.
   If your goal is to be there for your daughter and she’s not ready to talk or needs time to settle down and regroup, give her space without making things worse and reacting to her reaction. Don’t take it personally if she declines your offer of support, and then come back later (or text or write her a note) to let her know you love her.

7. Be affirming.
   Your positive, warm presence will benefit her in the healing process, even if she isn’t able to communicate that truth to you in the moment. She will internalize your view of her so make sure to give words of affirmation…especially when it’s hard to see the good.

8. Be the adult.
   Remember that your daughter’s pre-frontal cortex---where she thinks and reasons and has good judgment---isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. So if your daughter is younger than this age, realize she’s still maturing and needs your grace.

9. Be the example.
   We’ve all heard it said that “more is caught than taught.” Your daughter is watching you and you must model the behaviors you want her to emulate. It starts with you, Dad. If you want her not to respond with anger or attitude, ask yourself how your anger and attitude is doing in front of her.

10. Be caring.
    Though your daughter may respond in ways that aren’t always aligning with who she is, remember that she’s a work in progress, just like you. Remind yourself that it’s the stress or overwhelm or trauma talking. When you’re gracious, loving and display the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control), you help to bring healing into the room and into her life.

11. Be clear.
    It’s okay to set boundaries and not engage with her in the heat of the moment. But first, use your words and tell her where you’re going so she doesn’t assume you’re rejecting or abandoning her. (When her brain is on fire she won’t be clearly thinking through things and her emotional brain will lead the way). Then gently remove yourself from the situation and say something like this: “I’m sorry you’re hurting and I will be in the other room waiting with open arms if or when you want me to be there for you. I love you…”

12. Be communicative.
    Clarify with words that are short, sweet and ‘to the point.’ (When she’s flooded, she can’t hear too many words at one time). Use your words to calmly state that you are aware she’s maxed and hurt and overwhelmed and ask her if there’s one thing you could take of her plate. Make sure she hears your heart behind your words as you communicate clearly.

13. Be encouraging.
    When your daughter (or any of us) is triggered, there is often a time warp where the past gets mixed into the present. If you offer encouragement about her character, beauty, growth to date, etc., oftentimes this can bring a sense of calm and assist in the de-escalation process while she works to regain her equilibrium.  

14. Be vulnerable.
    You may struggle to let your daughter know when you don’t know what to do or don’t have the answers or are lost when it comes to “getting it.” But when you lead with vulnerability, which includes making amends after you’ve blown it, you’ll reach her heart more quickly and she’ll find it easier to regroup and reground.

15. Be willing.
    If you have the strength and capacity to help her with coping strategies, offer to help her connect to powerful and effective calming resources: Breathe, pray, sing, hug, walk, exercise, take a drive, etc. Make sure not to force anything, but pace with her process. If she asks you to leave, then honor her boundaries and use that time to calm yourself so you can be ready to connect later. Let her know you’re willing to go the distance with her because you love her no matter what. Sometimes we know we’re most loved when we’re the least deserving.

Dad, I encourage you to choose one of these 15 action steps and make it your goal this week to prioritize that one thing.

Make it a matter of focus and prayer.

And you can print out or save this meme to serve as a reminder to BE the dad you want to BE and your daughter needs you to BE!

When Dad Became Human (Guest Blog by Emily Wierenga)

Today’s blog is written by a friend who has had a complicated relationship with her dad.
I first met Emily at an eating disorders conference when she and her brave father sat side by side on the platform and told their story.
Here she gives us an inside look into her longings as a daughter and how healing has come to her heart and life.
She models that relationships between dads and daughters are a work in progress.
This is an excerpt from her new memoir, God Who Became Bread: A True Story of Starving, Feasting, and Feeding Others.
~Michelle

He used to carry me. My father with the scratchy beard and the loud laugh, the kind that threw his head way back

He would carry me as he walked barefoot in Africa.
I would feel his heartbeat through his sweaty t-shirt.

We would visit the blind together and he would teach the men how to farm and then he would carry me home.

Soon I toddled after him on short legs in a bunchy diaper. I learned to walk in my father’s footsteps.

I chewed on sugar cane and watched him dig up the red soil.
Then my little hands would help him plant the seeds.
We gardened in the mornings and rested in the afternoons. An African siesta.

But when we moved back to Canada Dad became a distant thing, a man lost in becoming a pastor. Gone was the rugged missionary in bare feet. He spent months getting his doctorate and working in a skim milk factory to pay our bills. And then, when he finally donned the ministerial collar, we lost him to sermon-writing or to board meetings or to visiting people in the hospital.

I longed for the days of mango juice dripping down my chin and toddling happily after my dad in the warm clay dirt. I longed for my father’s head to throw back again in a great laugh.

Sometimes, after I’d had my bath, I would wait for Dad to come home.
I would sit on the stairs of the manse, in my nightgown, waiting.

He would come, but he wouldn’t see me, resting on the stairs. And he would slip into his office and I would cry myself to sleep.

Eventually I stopped waiting, and I stopped eating.

I didn’t know whose footsteps to follow anymore.

I’d lost my way.

For years God had looked like my dad to me and now, my dad was human, and God was faceless.

Yet into this loneliness stepped Abba.

I was thirteen and dying from anorexia nervosa. Nurses said I was a miracle at sixty pounds and five foot nine and when I heard that, I finally heard the voice of my heavenly father wooing me in the desert-place.

Abba had been waiting for me, this whole time. I just hadn’t seen Him. He began to spoon-feed me a love I’d been starving for. And He carried me so close I could feel His heartbeat.

Soon I began to toddle slowly after Him, following in my Father’s footsteps. I was barefoot on holy ground.

He taught me about good soil, taught me how to plant the seeds of the gospel. Together we visited the blind and helped them to see. Then we rested on the seventh day. A divine siesta.

His is the loudest laugh and it fills me so full, I’ll never go hungry again.

[If you want to read more of Emily’s new memoir, God Who Became Bread, you can order it HERE on Amazon.

Dads…her book would be a great gift for your daughter as she would be invited into real vulnerability as Emily gives hope to those who are in hard places.]

Not so Happy Father's Day: When You Just Want The Day to Be Over

If this blog title intrigues you, it may be because Father’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for you. According to research that was commissioned by the National Center for Fathering in cooperation with Gallup polling, the majority of Americans are right there with you. In fact, over half of them agreed with this statement:

“Most adults have unresolved issues with their fathers.”

I want to be a catalyst in facilitating healing for those with unresolved father issues so we can be healthier people regardless of the hand we were dealt.

As I’ve pondered what some of your stories could be that make today extra hard, here are some examples that come to mind. Maybe your story has played out in some way like this:

• Your father wasn’t in the picture much---or at all---and like the approximately 18.3 million fatherless kids in America, this day reminds you of what you didn’t (or still don’t) have.

• Your dad preferred one of your siblings over you, and the result of that favoritism is that you’ve lacked confidence your whole life, never believing you measure up no matter how hard you try.

• Your parents divorced and you felt caught in the middle, feeling the pull to ally with your mom because you believed she needed you more…but now you realize what you didn’t get and you’re angry that you lost time with your dad that you’ll never get back.

• Your dad remarried after the divorce and chose his new family over you, leaving a hole in your heart that has never really healed no matter how much therapy you’ve done.

• Your father was there but not there. He provided for you and came home after work but didn’t really tune into you or communicate that you had value to him.

• Your dad has had his own unhealed issues with his father, and though he did the best he could, you keep coming back to the fact that there have been significant deficits in your relationship as a result of his lack of pursuing a closer relationship with you.

• You’ve learned that God is a loving and good Father, but you struggle to really believe it because your earthly father didn’t model those qualities to you.

• You’re a dad yourself and when your kids were born you purposed to be the dad you never had, but your personal choices---i.e. an addiction, affair, career, hobbies, or even ministry---came before them and now you’re reaping the painful results of those decisions.

• Your dad has died and you loved him more than your words can convey, and as you see everyone else celebrating their fathers today, your heart aches because you didn’t have enough time with yours.

As discouraging as these examples may be, I share them to validate the wounds that many of you are carrying, wounds that are often unseen and unacknowledged.

Yet let’s not stay there.

Let’s be people who pursue healing and wholeness so we don’t pass the unhealed pain of our past on to the next generation.

As a way to counter heaviness you may be feeling today,
I want to share a powerful truth I’ve learned about HOPE.

About a year ago I was preparing to speak at a national conference on hope-filled fathering. I was reading studies on the impact of hope in motivating us to action, as well as conducting my own research on how dads gain or lose hope based on their current relationships with their daughters.

One night I got a download for a way to understand HOPE in a fresh way. Here’s the acrostic that made the concept of HOPE come alive for me:

H---Heavenward
O---Orientation
P---Powers
E---Everything

What this means to me is that even when there’s been relational pain, we can find hope by looking through a different lens, a heavenward one. This orientation to connect with our Heavenly Father is the pathway for healing even if our earthly relationships are still broken.

If today is really hard for you, rest assured that you’re not alone and there are others who are struggling in similar ways. You can take comfort in knowing that another Father is watching over you. Also stand in the truth that healing is possible.

I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses that was my theme verse all last year. I pray this fills you with HOPE today so that no matter where you’re at on this Father’s Day, you’ll be uplifted and encouraged:

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in Him (this is the key to a heavenward orientation)
so you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.
(Romans 15:13)

[You may have read my blog two years ago titled, “How to Survive Father’s Day When You Hate the Day,” and if not, I encourage you to read it now. In it I share a four-step process to work through your father wounds towards healing and breakthrough. Be encouraged that it’s possible to move through forgiveness to release.

And if you need extra support, I offer online coaching and would be happy to walk alongside you in this process.]

What It Looks Like for a Dad To Make Amends: A Real Life Dad-Daughter Story

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

As they sat side by side on the platform in front of a packed auditorium, their raw emotion was palatable, expressed visibly as each of them told their story through their tears. We all sat there mesmerized, with an awareness that we were being invited into one of the most honest interactions we’d ever witnessed between a dad and his adult daughter.

She went first. “Affirmation…my dad never gave it and still never does. I think that is why I’m never sure I matter. He is available in a variety of ways---there if I want to talk, etc. but not affirming. I can’t even explain the hole I’ve felt in my heart at his lack of affirmation. For many years, I didn’t even realize that hole was there. And once I did, I first ignored it and told myself I didn’t care. But eventually it hurt too much to ignore.”

As my friend Constance spoke---a married wife with three children, an author, accomplished musician and national leader---it was as if we heard a ten-year old girl in touch with the longings of her heart. She had wished for her daddy to notice her, to tell her she was beautiful in his eyes, and to let her know that he had time for her.  

Looking directly at her father there on the platform, Constance kept the dialogue going and asked: “Dad, how did it make you feel to hear me share our struggles publicly just now?”

With script in hand, Dan read his carefully prepared response to his daughter’s query:

“I was saddened to realize how much you craved my approval and affirmation and I was oblivious to your need. I’m here today because I love you and you asked me to come. You have asked me before to attend your events and I’ve always had a reason not to attend. I recognize mistakes I’ve made in the past and am thankful for the opportunity to make better decisions now. You are important to me and I want to affirm you.”

Dan could hardly get through that part without fighting back tears. As you can imagine, his daughter was right there with him, feeling every word of his heartfelt emotion. He continued:

“I hope that our strengthened relationship will give hope to those in attendance who may be dealing with similar issues with their parents. I also want to bring this to the attention of parents with adult or soon-to-be-adult children so they’ll know that down deep at some level your children still need your approval, your acceptance, your affirmation, and your love. It may not seem like it, but they do.”

By this time we were all on the edge of our seats, feeling their emotion right along with them. Dan kept speaking:

“In my mind I thought I was affirming my daughter with my occasional compliments, so with regret I now realize it was not enough to satisfy her need. I was aware that Constance was not happy with me and I honestly didn’t know why. I didn’t realize the depth of her hurt and bitterness. And I will admit that I was raised without much affirmation from my parents and succumbed to the same malady. But I can now be painfully honest; I needed to learn to respect my adult children and not just give them unwanted criticism. There is a time parents have to begin to deal with their children on a respect basis; like many, I was late in recognizing this. But I have now!”

It was so refreshing to hear a dad---and a pastor, no less---honestly admit his failures as a father to his adult daughter out in the open, in front of strangers. There wasn’t defensiveness or mudslinging in an attempt to explain or qualify his actions.

Instead, his honesty and tender willingness to understand how he had hurt his daughter was part of the process that allowed her to continue releasing the hurts that she had carried for so many years.

Constance responded:

“Even though I was really angry at my dad, for some reason there was also a part of me that wanted to hope for something more. I think it was God in me. He gave me eyes to see my dad in a new light. Through conversations I saw more of the pain and rejection he had carried as a little boy, and also as a father and husband. I also realized that he was actually genuinely ignorant of my need for his affirmation. The more I looked at him through eyes of compassion for his brokenness, the easier it was to believe things could be better.

But the biggest boost to our relationship was that he WANTED to change. He was in a season of having retired from work and was looking at his life in new ways and asking God to change him. And that is what I have seen the most these past few years---my dad is ACTIVELY choosing to look at the parts of himself that are not loving, and is open to change.”

Can you hear the softness in her voice that was evident now in the telling of her story?

“This has changed not only our relationship, but my relationship with myself. Somehow, knowing that my dad is proud of me has diminished my need to have others be proud of me too. And the more I know that and can rest in his love for me, the better and better our relationship gets.”

Do you notice how many times each of them used the word hope?

I underscore the hope their story brings in highlighting that it’s never too late for a dad and daughter to mend their relationship. Here is a woman disclosing that it took her until her late 30’s to begin peeling back the layers of her father wounds and voids. But the other amazing reality is that she has a dad who was willing to meet her in that process by also looking at himself and owning his part of the whole.

I want to give Dan the last word with the hope that his words will touch your heart as a dad so that like him, you’ll be willing to look within yourself in order to pursue a more vibrant and positive relationship with your daughter:

“Looking back, I can remember the clues she was sending, but at the time I was clueless. It is never too late, and yes, I am committed to continuously changing to confirm to God’s will for me as a father. The great thing about God is He wants to restore broken relationships and if we will cooperate with Him, He will change us if we will pray for those we have hurt or been hurt by. Then God will begin a work of restoration in them.

…With God all things are possible.”

Well said, Dan.

And what courage he displayed with his humble willingness to be honest about his shortcomings as a father, coupled with publicly modeling what it looks like for a dad to actively turn his heart toward his grown daughter.

Their story gives us all great hope that we’re never too old to change, to take responsibility, to humble ourselves, make amends, and activate healing…whether a dad or an adult daughter.

How’s Your Heart Connection with Your Daughter Lately?

“What does it mean for a dad to engage his daughter at a HEART level?”

This was the question I was asked this week during an interview on dads and daughters. I’m always thrilled to talk about HEART connections because it’s central to strengthening the bond between dads and daughters.

Whether or not you’ve heard the phrase, “turning your heart,” it’s a profound concept that I trust will be enlightening for you as we unpack it here today.

There’s a Bible verse stating that if a dad turns his heart towards his kids, and if they turn theirs towards him in return, it will offset a curse. I love this concept of a “heart turn” between a dad and his daughter because it carries relational weight when it happens.

Let’s be honest. The term, “turning a heart” is a bit unfamiliar in terms of how it’s worded. I’ve never actually had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” towards them, have you?

By way of contrast, a much more common expression is that of “turning our head.” To state the obvious, we usually use this phrase to explain an exchange of information between two people as they intentionally engage with each other. It’s about content, knowledge, and concrete data.

I want to encourage you dads by saying that most girls and women I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their fathers. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her figure out everything from filling out the FAFSA to filling out complicated college or job applications to understanding specs on a car.

“Turning our hearts,” on the other hand, isn’t reflexive. It implies emotion and connection, and can bypass thought, perhaps even words. It’s responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive. There is depth of openness involved with a turned heart that communicates availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses. It’s about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

For most dads it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level whereas turning the heart is typically harder for men to do because it’s less intuitive and takes more deliberate focus.

Yes, a girl needs head connections with her dad in order to navigate life, but heart connections with him are vital to her survival. 

The truth is that a girl/woman can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned. We have an intuitive radar that can read the difference between a head or a heart response. 

And even if your daughter never says anything to you about it, she is constantly picking up cues and messages about herself based on these interactions with you. 

Now to your action step.

Here are two questions to ask, followed with one statement to share, if you’re ready to kick things up a notch when it comes engaging and connecting with your daughter on a heart level:

1. On a 0 to 10 scale (with 10 being the best), how well am I doing lately in connecting with your heart?

2. What could I do better so you FEEL I’m engaging your heart?

3. Tell her one area where you’re proud of her in this season. No lectures or corrections---only one heartfelt positive affirmation from your heart to hers. 

Watch what happens as you engage her heart today. Go Dad!

7 Reasons Dads Matter to Their Daughters

I fully believe we will have a healthier country from the ground up with healthier women. Yet, we can often trace her lack of health to father wounds or voids. I’m here today to affirm that healing is possible and when dads lead the way in forging that path, everyone wins.

If you’re reading this blog, I assume we’re mutually committed in our resolve to unite fathers and daughters so as to see health, wholeness, and healing burst forth in women (and in men). One key path to this end is for fathers to lead with humility, vulnerability, honesty, and authenticity. Daughters are thirsting for this kind of leadership from their dads, which requires them to step forward with tenacious courage based in selfless love.

If you’re a GirlDad who is doubting your place or influence in your daughter’s life, perhaps even questioning whether you have value or worth to her, I want to encourage you today.

Here is my summation of why GirlDads are essential to their daughter’s health and well-being:

1. God says dads carry significant weight in their daughter’s life. One antidote to a broken daughter is a heart-connected relationship with her father.

2. When a dad’s heart is turned toward his daughter, she will believe she is worthy of being loved. The more a daughter is intentionally pursued and loved by her dad, the stronger her core sense of identity and security will be.

3. Daughters internalize their dad’s view of them. The way a father sees his daughter is intertwined with how she sees herself. When a dad takes time to notice his daughter’s presence, he communicates that she is valuable, which shapes her view of herself. Yet, the converse is also true. When a dad is angry or dismissive, his harsh words deliver a blow and wound her spirit.

4. Daughters who feel connected to their dads are more confident, healthier, and happier. As the overriding themes in research state, a father makes a vital difference when he consistently dials into his daughter’s heart and champions her as she becomes a world changer.

5. A strong father-daughter bond protects her from influences that seek to steer her away from being her authentic self. Women often fear being rejected or displaced, which can chip away at self-confidence and the ability to step into their true calling. Fathers provide protection against the onslaught of negative influences that threaten to keep daughters from being who God created them to be.

6. When a daughter is known and seen by her dad, she is less apt to look for love in all the wrong places. Instead, she will look for love in all the right places as her father’s active presence proactively shields her heart.

7. Earthly fathers build a bridge to God, her Heavenly Father. Though no father is perfect, every dad needs encouragement to be the reason his daughter turns to God as her Father, not the reason she doesn’t.

I agree with the prophetic words of my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering: “There’s a huge opening before us, and I believe God is going to send a wind of renewal right into His kingdom through the dad-daughter portal.”

The time is now for every GirlDad:

• to pursue his daughters’ heart with intention and consistency

• to find new ways to actively participate in her life right now

• to lead his daughters to connect with the heart of God the Father

Do girl dads matter? Absolutely!

And if you’re ever in doubt, be reminded that a daughter is more vulnerable without a father, yet her safety and success are more secure with an engaged father.

I long for the day when every daughter will know her dad is in her cheering section, no matter what she’s done or not done, and regardless of their history. I long to see every woman know she is loved by her Heavenly Father, even if her earthly dad isn’t able to carry that message to her heart.

Join me in praying that we will see an uprising of stronger, healthier women who know who they are and Whose they are as they are released to love and lead in their spheres of influence, whether in their home or out in the world.

Now it’s time for action: Choose one of the 7 reasons listed above and make it your goal to focus on that one thing today to be a better dialed-in dad to your daughter!

[You can save this graphic with all 7 reasons dads matter to their daughters as a quick reference for yourself and so you can share it on social media]

Celebrating Your Daughter’s Need to Express Herself Through Her Style

If you’re a dialed-in GirlDad, you’ve discovered that your daughter has her own unique style when it comes to expressing herself with her clothing.

And if you have more than one daughter, you’ve probably also discovered that things get a bit more complicated as they grow up and each one is trying not to look like the other while finding their own individual style. And whether the younger one is not wanting to follow in the footsteps of her older sister or seeking to find her own self-expression, either way, you’ll be wiser as a Dad by entering in and seeking to understand your daughter’s need to express her personality through how she dresses.

I found a great definition of style from fashion designer Rachel Zoe: “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” (This would be a great quote to share with your daughter).

Adding to her definition, I say: Style is essentially an outward expression of who we see ourselves to be, revealed through clothing, hairstyle, hair color, tattoos, piercings, and jewelry, to name a few. And whether or not you agree with your daughter’s style expression, it’s important that you let her speak while you listen with a goal to better understand her.

Many dads have asked me how to guide their daughter through this maze when they disagree with her clothing choices. I know it’s a bigger conversation than what I’m sharing here, but it’s my desire to stand with you as you take a proactive step forward by looking through your daughter’s eyes and seeing her where she is right now.

For now, I encourage you to invite your daughter to join you as you open this conversation about her clothing style. If she doubts your motives or intent, you can show her these questions ahead of time. (For more on this topic, you can refer to a longer list of questions in Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters with “Dad-Daughter Date Questionnaire #18: Questions on Her Clothing Choices”).

Make it your goal to listen without judgment or criticism, which is a key foundational step in bridge-building with your daughter.

If she doesn’t live close or isn’t open to meeting in person, feel free to send these questions to let her know you care. (I’ve attached a pdf here).

Here’s a list of questions to ask your daughter. And the last question is a fun and funny one to engage your daughter in rating your style. Have fun!

1. How would you describe your style? (circle all that fit)

• Playful

• Girly/Feminine

• Boho/Free-spirited/Casual

• Sporty

• Classic

• Earthy/ Hippie

• Artsy

• Retro

• Spicy/Edgy

• Modern/Trendy/Current

• Tomboy

• Goth

• Unconventional

• Other 

2. Is it important for you to have a personal style and look that’s all your own or is it not that big of a deal to you?

3. What words in the list above would you say described your style two years ago? What about five years ago?

4. Do you like your current style? Have you thought about changing it? If you did change it, what new style captures your attention?

5. Are there any celebrities whose style you would say matches yours? What about his or her style do you like?

6. Does style and fashion play a part in the way you connect with your friends…or not?

7. What do you enjoy about having a style that’s all your own? Is there any part of this whole thing that’s ever stressful for you?

8. Now let’s talk about my style as your dad. What words would you use to describe it and do you have any suggestions for how I could update my look? (This one can be really fun and funny if you choose not to be offended by anything she says.)

[One last note: Most men think their style is fine despite input to the contrary from the women in their lives! But if you allow yourself to be open to your daughter’s input about your style, it can create a powerful dad-daughter bonding interaction. Then for “extra dad points,” I encourage you to concede and let her choose one new item for your wardrobe, which will be a gift that keeps on giving because every time you wear it, she’ll remember that you respected her input, adding yet another positive experience to your repertoire!].

This is your time to grow as a dad in asking your daughter questions to better understand her clothing style choices that are her way of making a statement about herself.

Fathering Regrets From Nike Co-founder Phil Knight

For the bulk of my life I lived in Portland, Oregon in the heart of Nike country. In fact, the church I attended for over 25 years is on the street where the company’s world headquarters resides.

I’ve had lots of friends who work for Nike and have done everything from designing shoes to leading international teams to doing various jobs in between. There’s even been a number of dads in The Abba Project who have been part of the Nike family. All this to say, the swoosh has been commonly seen and worn in my community!

This leads me to ask: Have you read or heard of Nike co-founder, Phil Knight’s, best-selling memoir, Shoe Dog? In this book, he shares his journey from launching a struggling start-up to becoming what is now a fifty-billion-plus- dollar company, and the world’s largest supplier of athletic shoes and apparel.

What I’ve noticed is that when Mr. Knight talks, people listen. And when Mr. Knight talks about life lessons he’s learned along the way—especially the hard way—people really listen.

That said, his reflections at the end of his book about being a dad are particularly noteworthy:

It might be nice to tell the story of Nike. Everyone else has told the story, or tried to, but they always get half the facts, if that, and none of the spirit. Or vice versa. I might start the story, or end it, with regrets. The hundreds—maybe thousands—of bad decisions . . . Of course, above all, I regret not spending more time with my sons. Maybe, if I had, I could’ve solved the encrypted code of Matthew Knight. And yet I know that this regret clashes with my secret regret—that I can’t do it all over again.

The fact that Phil’s son Matthew died in a scuba diving accident at the age of 34 makes these poignant words spoken by a man in his late seventies who wishes he’d been a more invested father even more powerful.

To state the obvious, he can’t get time back and he can’t get his son back.

• Dad, don’t let this be your story.

• Decide now to re-examine your priorities.

• Don’t wait.

• Just do it!

And this isn’t about perfection because no one is perfect. It is, however, about pursuing time with your daughter no matter what challenges arise, at any cost to yourself.

Taking Mr. Knight’s words to heart, I challenge you to ask yourself this question: Do I want to live with purpose (with clearly defined goals with specific and measurable action steps) or with regret when it comes to my role as a GirlDad?

I know you want to live with purpose as a father and actively pursue your daughter’s heart by putting your love for her into action or you wouldn’t have read my blog today.

So now let’s get practical and personal.

1. Ask yourself: Am I spending “enough” time with my daughter?
   (Yes, this is a relative term and may be hard to answer specifically…so search your heart and be honest with yourself. A “no excuses” mindset increases the likelihood of living with no regrets).

2. Ask yourself: What am I willing to change/give up/adapt to increase my flexibility and visibility to meet my daughter in this season?
   (Ex: Start work later to drive her to school, work out at another time so you’re available when she has time, invite her to join you in activities that allow for more consistent bonding, set up consistent calls or FaceTime to create a rhythm of connection she can count on…)

3. Ask your daughter: “Are we spending as much time together as you’d like?”

4. Ask your daughter: “What are one or two ways I can be more present in your life…and be specific about where I can meet you in your world.”

There it is Dad: two questions to ask yourself and two to ask your daughter.

You know how much I encourage you to TALK and LISTEN as you interact with your daughter so she can tell you what she feels, thinks, believes and needs…especially from you.

It’s up to YOU to initiate the conversation.

And yes, your daughter may or may not respond positively as you pursue her heart, yet as you consistently initiate connecting with her in real time, you’ll always know you put your time where your heart is…and that’s how you clarify your purpose to live without (or with less) regrets.

Go Dad!

Dad, It Doesn't Have to be Win or Lose: How to Win Your Daughter's Heart

I’ll always remember the day when Steve and I were talking about his then 13-year old daughter Maddie and how much he was invested in learning how to relate better to her as she was maturing and changing. It was during our conversation that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“I know it’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that hit you like it did me?!

I’d never before considered that it’s one or the other. It’s a win-lose proposition: Either the argument is won and her heart is lost…or her heart is won and the argument is lost (a.k.a. Dad is aware that it’s more important for him to “lose the argument” because in the big scheme of things, it matters more that he connect with his daughter’s heart).

In other words, there’s no way to have it both ways (win the argument and win her heart) because these two competing realities lead to very different outcomes.

If you as a GirlDad are invested in:

• exercising your parental authority at all costs

• being right no matter what

• coming out as the “winner”

• being unwilling to hear her side of the story, the result will be conflict, distance, and heartache.

But if you care more about:

• humbling yourself to listen to her side of the story

• seeking to understand her (even if she doesn’t make sense to you)

• validating her emotions

• leading by example with love and respect, the result will be bonding, harmony, and connection.

As I’ve watched Steve and Maddie navigate their relationship over the years---from middle school through high school, onto college and now into her young adult years---I’ve seen this dialed-in Dad humbly stay the course in pursuing his daughter’s heart. And especially during the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between independence and dependence, freedom and boundaries, rules and responsibilities, distance and connection, he never stopped letting her know that his love was (and is, plus always will be) unconditional.

I still recall my response to Steve when we first talked about the power of a dad pursuing---and winning---his daughter’s heart:

“If every dad in America understood this concept it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

Dad, as you think beyond the present moment with your daughter, especially those that are challenging, make it your goal to validate her core worth and value at every turn, even when you disagree or struggle to support her decisions.

Let her know she has a purpose and you’ll support her while she grows in learning to stand with confidence as she makes a positive impact in the world.

Then speak life-breathing words of truth into the woman you want her to become.

I’m grateful for dads like Steve who truly understand that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.