Connecting Head and Heart: Understanding a Father's Impact on His Daughter

Whether or not you’re familiar with the Bible, I’m guessing you’ve heard this phrase somewhere about the importance of fathers turning their hearts towards their children.  

When I originally started leading groups for dads of daughters in January 2010, I knew I was being given an amazing yet daunting assignment to help equip dads become more intentional with their daughters by connecting with their hearts. As time has gone on, I’ve pondered the significance of this carefully scripted, yet unusual wording from the last verse of the Old Testament about “turning the hearts of fathers.”

I’ve never had anyone ask me to “turn my heart” toward them, have you? The more common expression is “turn my head.” And as we all know, turning our head is instinctive; we don’t think about it when it happens. We just do it automatically when looking in the direction of someone or something that interests us.

By contrast, turning our heart isn’t reflexive. It’s directed by a decision, a choice, and conscious willingness, maybe even passion.

Most girls I’ve known have told me they need and appreciate intellectual input from their dads. After all, it’s usually dad who helps her fill out a FAFSA (federal student aid form) or figure out how to open a bank account or buy her first car. The reality is that we need our dad to bring his rational, logical, intelligent mind to help us navigate life.

This then raises the question: Why did God talk about heart turns and not head turns for fathers?

For the majority of dads I’ve encountered, it’s far more natural to tune in and engage at the head level. Turning his heart is typically harder for a man to do. But I figure that God must have written this directive about a turned heart for a reason, which means not only is it possible for dads to do it, but it also must be important or He wouldn’t have worded it this way.

Because this language is intentional, we’re invited to expand our understanding about the difference between a dad turning his head and turning his heart.

I firmly believe that a turned heart from a dad to his daughter will do more to deposit love, confidence, value, and strength into her life than anything else he could do.

So let’s define our terms:

A turned head:

• Implies that information is being exchanged.

• Means that something or someone has caught the attention of another as mental activity is stimulated.

• Is the seedbed of thought and deliberation, of consideration and contemplation.

• Is where choice originates and decisions are birthed.

A turned heart:

• Implies emotion and connection.

• Can bypass thought, perhaps even words.

• Is responsive, engaged, heartfelt, and receptive.

• Communicates a depth of openness and availability as there is congruence between what the eyes say, the mouth speaks, and the heart expresses.

• Is about authentic, open, tender, honest interaction based on a foundation of unconditional love and acceptance.

A girl can tell if her dad has his heart turned toward her or if only his head is turned.

So as you head into this next week, set a goal to consciously raise your awareness of how you’re interacting with your daughter and decide to make your heart turns outnumber your head turns.

As you become an expert heart turner, your daughter will be the beneficiary of your efforts!

It's Heart Commitment Month: The Dad-Daughter Edition

In celebration of Valentine’s month (which I’m renaming, “Heart Commitment Month”), I thought you dads would enjoy hearing the results of an informal survey I conducted that will support you in engaging your daughter’s heart with more clarity and specificity.

I sent out requests via email and on social media to girls and women with this question:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad. Feel free to pass this on to any women you know who may want to help me gather information.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but surprisingly, women took me up on my suggestion and started sending the questionnaire to their friends and family. I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response! 

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard. 

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants or complaints from whiny women. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

And your daughter really wants these same things from you. 

Here are the 25 most commonly mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood stories”) 

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayer (Either talking to God for her or talking to Him with her)

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

There it is. Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with her dad coupled with a desire for love and affirmation from her dad. 

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America and the world to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all in with a renewed commitment to be all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Truth: A daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to those around her. 

Dad, I encourage you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action…now.

Be the dad your daughter really needs you to be…today. 

P.S. If you’d like a chart listing these 25 things so you can challenge yourself to do all of them with or for your daughter, click here. 

Your Pen-to-Paper Valentine's Day Challenge (This will be your daughter’s favorite Valentine’s Day gift EVER!)

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. And in a world where handwritten communication is less common and most often casual (texts, emails, social media, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out. That’s why I’m challenging you to put your pen to paper this year to give your daughter a Valentine’s Day gift she’ll love.

I’ll never forget when dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her, but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The power of putting your thoughts, feelings, dreams, truth, and love for your daughter into written form is that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her now and for years to come.

How do I know this? Because I, and many other girls, have saved our dad’s notes.

I’ll tell you a story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago where he creates a one-of-a-kind birthday card and includes pictures from that year to highlight things he’s noticed and remembered. I’ve saved every one!

And even if you’re not artistic or creative, just the fact that you’ve noticed things about your daughter and then bring to light the unique things about her, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, it provides a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

Whether you’re a dad who has already begun this practice or a tentative newbie, I’d love to give you a few ideas to support your pen-to-paper Valentines challenge.

Here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person (her character, personality)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing is not your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life.

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become.

On your mark, get set, write!

What Difference Does it Make When a Dad Drops His Anger? (A real life story with Ron Hauenstein)

Today I want to introduce you a very good friend of mine, Ron Hauenstein.

Ron is the real deal. He’s a warm-hearted, down-to-earth, generous man who lives to see others thrive and heal. He goes the extra mile to support those around him and has no desire to be in the spotlight. (Yet here I am today highlighting him!)

Recently Ron and I were talking about my viral video on the topic of men dropping their anger, which prompted a conversation that I want to share with you today (with his permission, of course!).

First, let me tell you more about Ron.

Ron founded the Spokane Fatherhood Initiative (SpoFI) in Washington State in 2017 with a goal to restore the value of fatherhood. After spending years volunteering at a shelter for homeless women and children, Ron continued to see the negative impact of fatherlessness, which compelled him to launch SpoFI and develop a curriculum called “24-7 Dad.”

Many men who have found their way to his organization have been released from prison and are learning profound life skills, which has reduced recidivism rates in their state. I’m happy to report that SpoFI has issued more than 550 certificates of completion while seeing a remarkable graduation rate of 92 percent!

The reality is that Ron is in the trenches with real dads who are doing the hard work of restoring that which they have broken in their homes while also experiencing inner healing for their own brokenness.

With that backdrop, here’s what Ron wrote to me:

Michelle,

I’ve been following this development on your viral video since it occurred, which leads me to share something I’ve discovered.

When we ask dads to name the most significant change they experience as a result of our classes, the large majority say, “I’m more patient with my kids.”

One dad was in court and was challenged by his ex-wife when she said, “So you took a fatherhood class, big deal.”

His reply: “Do you know what our 4-year-old daughter says to me now? She says, ‘Daddy, you don’t get mad like you used to. You don’t yell at us anymore.’ He continued, “I made that decision to stop yelling at my kids at the end of the second class.”

So after just four hours of SpoFI classes he made an internal choice, a major change in his beliefs, about how to parent.

There’s something about the atmosphere God creates in our classrooms that allow men:

• time for introspection

• a chance to listen to other fathers

• the ability to reflect on their behavior

• space to ponder what they learned from their own father

In our “24-7 Dad” PM (advanced) fatherhood class, I facilitate a 2-hour session on anger. I pass out crayons and paper and ask the men to draw a picture of what their father looked like to them when they were a child and dad was angry.

Here are some samples:

After some rich discussion, I give the men another assignment: “Now, draw me a picture of what your children see when you are angry.” Many of the men confess that the same picture suffices.

I’m working my way through a book titled Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. His challenge: Are you willing to give up the right to be angry? Ummmmm…deep stuff. Goes along with another lesson I teach: You Don’t Have to Be Wrong to Repent.

Wow! Now you can understand why I dearly love and respect Ron’s heart for fathers. He helps them reveal and process the nuances of their relationships with their own fathers that impacts them more than they’ve probably ever realized.

So how about you? Would you be willing to follow Ron’s lead and draw two pictures to represent your story?

• What did your father look like to you when you were a child and your dad was angry?

• What do your children see when you’re angry?

Next, here’s a plan for processing and healing after you’ve drawn these pictures:

1. Set the two pictures side by side. Look at them closely without judgment. Just notice.

2. Feel what you need to feel. Give yourself the gift of releasing sadness and tears. (Tears have salt in them and salt brings healing to wounded areas. Trust me when I say: Real men cry. Jesus did and you can follow His lead).

3. Ask God, your Heavenly Father, to come near to the “little boy you” who lives inside and often takes the lead. Allow your Heavenly Father to give His unconditional comfort and love, which often is different than what you experienced from your earthly father.

4. Notice where you feel that comfort in your body and hold it there as long as you can.

5. Then imagine your adult self joining in to connect with your younger self while your Heavenly Father affirms and validates who you are. Allow your adult self to also affirm your younger self, even if it seems pointless or silly. (This cord of three strands is strong and powerful).

Well done.

Now take a breath as you express gratitude for where you are, who you are, and for the amazing children God has given you to love and lead.

I know this isn’t easy to do, but it’s necessary to look deeper if you want to begin (or continue) healing. This is a way you can drop your anger and be the dad you want to be.

Let me also add that if you want to keep doing more work like this, you can always reach out to me for a coaching session. I’d be honored to walk with you through more processing to greater healing.

So what difference does it make when a dad drops his anger?

It makes ALL the difference and makes home happier because love takes the lead.

P.S. If you want to connect with Ron Hauenstein, here’s his contact information:  

Spokane Fatherhood Initiative
Phone: 509-315-8850
www.spofi.org
www.spokane127.org

10 PROACTIVE Ways to Intentionally Start 2024 as a Dialed-in GirlDad

I wish there were some kind of reward system in our country for fathers who step up to the plate and hit it out of the ballpark as a dad. There needs to be some sort of celebration for those of you who intentionally dial in to the heart space of your daughters, don’t you think?

In the meantime I’ll continue celebrating dads who are doing it right! (You’ll notice I didn’t use the word “perfect” since no such thing exists).

Of course you know by now that I'm highly attuned to watching relationships between dad and daughters. Even when I’m not trying to notice, I notice. It seems that no matter where I am, my eyes and ears are conditioned to observe the way dads interact with their daughters (and sons), as well as the way they respond back. I truly believe that their interactions in public say a lot about what goes on in private, at home.

As we begin 2024, I want to celebrate one particular dad I’ve observed from a distance who is dialed-in to his daughters. Whether or not he’s someone you’ve ever watched (or liked) on television, the thing I admire most about Chip Gaines is that he’s not just invested in fixing up houses and properties. He’s clearly focused on building into the lives of his five children, two of them being daughters.

That said, here are 10 proactive ways I’ve noticed Chip Gaines investing in his daughter’s lives as a #GirlDad, which equates to 10 proactive strategies you can choose from to start this new year with intention: That said, here are 10 proactive ways I’ve noticed Chip Gaines investing in his daughter’s lives as a #GirlDad, which equates to 10 proactive strategies you can choose from to start this new year with intention:

1. Dad really LIKES and ENJOYS his daughters.
Chip clearly loves talking, laughing, and playing with his girls. It’s obvious they feel his positivity and delight in being their dad.

2. His girls feel comfortable BEING THEMSELVES around him.
Chip’s daughters appear to be fully engaged in life when their dad is there. They’re silly and talkative, they jump and run, twirl and dance, explore and take risks, and ask questions and follow directions. I guess you could say they get to be kids who have fun being kids without fear of their dad forcing them to grow up before their time.

3. Dad SETS LIMITS for his daughters. 
At various times Chip instructs them to do or not do things by saying “yes” and “no” to their requests. He provides boundaries by guiding them in various activities.

4. Dad leads by MODELING RESPECT. 
Of course we all know there are edits to the final version of each episode, yet a consistent theme I’ve noticed is that Chip’s daughters treat each other in like kind to the way their dad treats those around him, especially their mom. Additionally, the way he relates to and honors them as his daughters parallels the way they relate to and honor each other. Once again, more is caught than taught.

5. Dad LISTENS WELL to his daughters.
Chip often looks into their eyes when he talks to his girls. He responds to their questions with answers in age appropriate ways that are wrapped in kindness. Bottom line: What matters to them matters to him.

6. Dad gives them opportunities to ENTER INTO HIS WORLD.
Whether he invites them to be with him at a job site, go on an errand with him, or times he joins them in one of their projects, Chip lets his daughters get up close and personal to see what his life is about. This dad invites his girls to take part in that which is important to him, in work and play.

7. Dad DOESN’T SPEAK HARSHLY to them.
Again, I realize that editing is potentially king here, but it’s evident these girls are relaxed and calm in their dad’s presence. They appear to have no fear that he may yell or react, even if they make a mistake. They aren’t shamed or criticized, but are redirected and corrected when necessary. As a result, their naïve and vulnerable childlikeness is refreshingly evident as they spontaneously interface with life as it unfolds under their dad’s guidance and care.

8. Dad invites them to GROW IN BEING RESPONSIBLE, one event at a time.
Because children learn life lessons by doing things and actively participating, Chip demonstrates what this look like in action by going the extra mile with his girls. Whether buying chickens as a practical way to teach them how to tend to life on a farm or selling eggs of said chickens, these girls are on the path to entrepreneurship, all because their dad’s intentional fathering style engages them first hand in the areas he believes will benefit them as they mature.

9. Dad LOVES THEIR MOM.
The authentic love Chip has for his wife is literally transmitted through the airwaves from Waco, Texas to every viewer’s home. I don’t know how that can happen but it does. When a dad loves his children’s mother, it gives them a sense of security and safety that frees them up to thrive and be themselves without worry that life as they know it may crumble or falter. This is a powerful gift from a dad to his kids. (Even if a marriage has already ended, a dad can still choose to never speak negatively about his daughter’s mom, which allows her not to choose sides nor thwart healthy development).

10. These daughters follow Dad’s lead in HONORING HIS FAITH TRADITIONS.
From inviting his children to dedicate their home to God by kneeling on the dirt road of their home or praying before a meal, it’s clear that these little apples haven’t fallen far from the tree. The gratitude Dad has for the life God has given them is emulated by his daughters who respect their dad enough to readily follow his example. (If your spiritual life is less than solid, I encourage you to make a commitment to strengthen this area of your life in this year).

So there you have it---a road map for 2024 if you’d like to follow the lead of a dialed-in Dad who models to us what healthy fathering of daughters looks like in action.

Thank you Chip Gaines for taking your show about remodeling houses and actually using it to teach us what it looks to remodel a home---from the inside---to become one that has love and respect, boundaries and fun.

And thank you for revealing that it takes a lot more than brick and mortar, shiplap and paint to make a house a home. For when a dad truly loves and leads his family, everyone wins.

Dad, It’s Time to Start a New Christmas Tradition with Your Daughter 🎅🏼🎄🎁

It was early December, 1967, in San Raphael, California. I was seven years old and my sister was five. The two of us, along with our dad, piled into our turquoise station wagon as we drove two hours away to cut down our family Christmas tree. Mom always stayed home to “get our presents organized for Christmas,” which I learned years later was a creative way to give Mom a break!

To pass the time on our road trip, Dad taught us Christmas songs that we all sang at the top of our lungs. Among them were “Jingle Bells” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” (Yes, the musical options were very limited back then!)

When we finally arrived at the Christmas tree farm, we took our time walking around until Dad chopped down the perfect tree we’d all chosen. Then came the best part: We each got a cup of hot chocolate from the on-site trailer and we always drank every last drop until we warmed up our insides.

My sister and I would sleep most of the way home, which seemed like the perfect ending to the perfect day. Simple as it was, that tradition still holds a special place in my heart.

And though my dad experienced almost no Christmas traditions as a kid, somehow he stepped up and created a Christmas tradition for two little girls who had no idea at the time that their dad hadn’t experienced the same.

That’s all a tradition needs to be: Spending time with those you love while doing the same thing year after year.

And when it’s a dad investing in his daughter with a tradition they create together, it strengthens the core of her identity

As we prepare for Christmas next week, if you want to give your daughter the BEST Christmas present EVER, one she’ll always treasure and never forget, here’s a few ideas to get you started.

Remember there’s no need to spend a lot of money. This is about time spent with you. It’s not about overextending your finances. Of course you’ll want to invest something into your dad-daughter date…so plan ahead. Yet keep in mind that extravagance is less important than intentionality, time, and heart pursuit.

Here are 16 creative dad-daughter Christmas tradition ideas so you can get started today:

1.  Eat a meal at a restaurant that’s out of the ordinary. It will become “your place,” and years later, your daughter will always tie that place to you.

2. Write a letter to your daughter and read it to her on your date. Affirm her positive qualities and highlight her growth this past year. Once you start this tradition, she will look forward to it as a way to close out every year with positivity.

3. Go for a hike and take dad-daughter selfies along the way. You can even print one favorite pictures and frame it for her to open on Christmas morning.

4. Perfume Day—You know this one well by now since I’ve talked about it a lot. This is a tradition my dad started with me 25+ years ago. You’ll go  together to a store and let her choose any perfume she wants. Then every time she wears that scent throughout the year, she’ll remember your love for her.

5. Find a Place to Volunteer—Some dads and daughters love creating an experience together to serve others rather than purchasing something. This could be giving time at a homeless shelter, doing clean-up at the beach or a park, or serving at your church. Then celebrate afterwards with a fun food treat where you both debrief the experience.

6. Cook or bake something together—Spend time in your kitchen creating a tasty treat. Let your daughter lead the way as you laugh and learn from her while then enjoying the yummy fruit of your labors! You can eat it yourselves or give some to neighbors, friends, and family.

7. Create an art project—Find a paint-your-own-pottery store where you each paint something together OR walk around a craft store and find an art project to do together at home. You can also paint with acrylics on canvas or on ceramics or wood (where there’s already a shape to it) or string beads for a bracelet or necklace.

8. Discover a new book—If your daughter loves reading, this will fill her love tank to enjoy the experience of choosing a new book or two. If you have a bookstore in your area, walk the aisles as she chooses a new book, and bonds with you in her happy place.

9. Buy a piece of jewelry—If your daughter enjoys jewels and sparkles, buy her a piece of jewelry that she’ll wear and be reminded of you. Again, this doesn’t have to break the bank…so give her an amount to work with. Then remind her that she’s a jewel, a one-of-a-kind treasure.

10. Buy a fun game—Together, choose a board or video game that you’ll play together after bringing it home. You can bring it out every Christmas to enjoy time and again.

11. Go to a movie—Usually there’s at least one new Christmas movie each year, so you could make it your tradition to go to the theater. Then for an extra special experience, indulge in popcorn and candy!

12. Play with animals—If your daughter is an animal lover, find a fresh way to fan her love into flame by going to a pet store and playing with different animals or to a local shelter for rescue animals. For younger girls, she can draw pictures of animals from your adventure. Then put her masterpiece in a prominent place in your home.

13. Attend a Christmas concert—There are both free and paid concerts, ranging from public choirs to traveling groups. They’re always extra memorable if you dress up and go out for dessert afterwards. Be sure and open the door for her so you show her what a real gentleman does!

14. Let her choose any gift—If your daughter loves Lego’s, buy a Lego set and put it together with her. If she is enjoys playing with a certain doll, let her choose one to add to her collection. Be creative and get something she may not expect that has value to her (even if it doesn’t rank high on your list!)

15. Read the Christmas story—In this day and age it can be easy to forget the real meaning of Christmas. So why not lead the way in reading the Christmas story from Matthew 1 and Luke 2 in different translations. And it’s extra fun to act out the whole story as a family or use props to represent each character. Invite your daughter into the process of setting things up so your family can gather and participate. If you video record the performance, you’ll love playing it back in later years as you walk together down memory lane.

16. Go caroling—Dress up with hats and scarves; then sing carols on the porches of neighbors and/or friends. Or you can specifically focus on families who have experienced loss this year…or make arrangements with a local care facility to brighten the days of the elderly. If your daughter plays an instrument, bring it with you so others can enjoy her talents.

There you have it, Dad…a few ideas to get the ball rolling as you start a new dad-daughter Christmas tradition this year. And I’d love to hear from you so I can add more items to my list of ideas.

Bottom line: Whatever your daughter enjoys, do it with her as you initiate annual rhythms. Enter into the joy of celebrating what she loves this Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you all…from my heart to yours!

7 Things GirlDads “Hate” About Their Daughters…and What To Do About It!

With the holiday season officially underway, we know that pressures mount during this time of year like none other. It’s the excessive demands and numerous agendas and expectations, needs and schedules that push all of us past our normal capacity.

This is the perfect set up for what I call, “relational collisions.”

And yes, as a dad you have weight on your shoulders that your daughter knows nothing about (end-of-year deadlines, extra expenses, challenging family dynamics, etc.). Yet the truth is that your daughter has her own set of circumstances that overwhelm her and push her past her limits too.

So if you want to grow closer to your daughter this holiday season, here’s your survival guide!

I’ll start by validating you as a dad and sharing what most of you typically "hate" from your daughter, followed with practical suggestions about how to proactively and positively respond so that your relationship is strengthened, not hindered, over this next month.

Here are 7 things that tend to overwhelm most GirlDads coupled with strategies for what you can do about it:

1. DRAMA--- You may prefer for your daughter to respond in a calm manner while clearly expressing her feelings and needs. And then You remember back to when she was younger and you could tell her that her tone wouldn’t be tolerated. But the older she’s gotten, the less control you have over her when she uses “that tone of voice.”

Proactive Dad Strategy: You give your daughter a profound gift when she experiences being emotionally “held’ by you without criticism or condensation. This is how she will bond to you when she feels how much you care and love her, especially during a meltdown. This is what “fixing it” looks like to your daughter because when you’re her sounding board and safe place, you help decrease her stress by being in it with her.

2. DIALOGING TOO MUCH (a.k.a. over-talking)--- You may prefer that your daughter “get to the point already” and for her to say what she means more quickly. You’ve discovered that she’s just getting warmed up when you're past your listening limit. One expert says that women speak 20,000 words a day while men speak 7,000. Enough said. You’ve lived it!

Proactive Dad Strategy: When you listen twice as much as you talk while asking more questions than giving answers, you support your daughter in finding her own voice. This is how she learns to problem-solve because she figures things out by talking. If you listen with the belief that she is smart and wise, you’ll be less apt to give answers and will invest more time in asking questions where she learns to figure things out as you cheer her on.

3. DISRESPECT--- This is a BIG one for dads, especially when you step in to defend mom (or her siblings) when your daughter isn’t respecting her (or them). And that’s when things escalate quickly. The truth is that you’re simply trying to de-escalate the situation for everyone, yet you suddenly become “the bad guy.” Then you feel attacked, unsupported, underappreciated, and alone.

Proactive Dad Strategy: If you weren’t there for the whole interaction, and your daughter accuses you of taking everyone else’s side but hers, it's important to take time to listen as she explains. I know this is easier said than done, but the book of Proverbs really does have a good solution here: A soft answer turns away anger. That’s your solution to win the war. Lead by example and soften your tone. Don’t use anger to deal with her anger. Show her what respect looks like in action even when her intensity pushes every button inside you. Give yourself a time out to collect your thoughts while remembering that there’s always a solution and this doesn’t need to be the mountain you die on. You’ll always benefit from coming back later when the air clears with less chance of saying something you’ll regret.

4. DISMISSAL--- When you experience your daughter disregarding, diminishing or dismissing you (or your input), this is a huge trigger for dads. It’s because you want to feel valued and important. You long for your relationship to be like it was when she was younger. You’re trying to figure out why she doesn’t seem to value your input or time with you like she did when she was younger. Now she doesn’t want as much time with you and you watch her make time for other relationships than you.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Ask yourself if you have you dismissed her or caused her to feel devalued or unimportant. If so, make amends. Then realize that some of this might be her stage of development where she’s wanting to “separate and individuate” as a pre-teen or teenager who is responding in ways that are within normal limits. It may help to type these words into your search engine: “what is typical pre-adolescent and adolescent stages of development?” to better understand what’s going on in her brain and body. Or there could be dynamics in her personal relationships that make it hard to open up with you because she’s needing more emotional responsiveness and tenderness. If so, commit to being the dad she’ll want to talk to and the one whose shoulder she can cry on, even if it’s not happening in the ways you’d like it to right now.

5. DISAGREEMENTS--- There’s nothing harder than seeing your relationship disintegrate as conflict intensifies between you, and your daughter rises up to challenge or attack you. That's when it’s very difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to stand upright and steady when the blasts come. Sometimes it may even seem like she’s forgetting or walking away from the way you raised her.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Instead of interpreting her responses as personal rejection, seek to understand her position more than your own. Take time to explore what she’s saying and feeling. Ask more questions than ever before as you hold to the truth that disagreements are not necessarily negative, but can be a place where growth happens while your daughter is learning to think for herself. The beliefs and opinions she has today may not be where she lands tomorrow, or the next day, month or year. Give her room to change her mind. And be honest in letting her know that you’re struggling to figure this out with her but want to grow in being the dad she needs who doesn’t dominate or belittle her in this process of becoming a woman who uses her voice out in the world like she’s learned to do at home.

6. DISTRESS--- When your daughter is suffering or in pain, you want to do everything in your power to fix things and help her feel better. Sometimes she welcomes your support, and at other times she rejects it. As a result, you feel helpless, which then increases your own distress levels because there’s not a solution or remedy. Then you feel what she’s feeling (even if you don’t admit it) and see that she’s still hurting.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Remind yourself that your daughter will grow stronger by overcoming obstacles, navigating conflicts (especially relational ones), and learning to self-regulate in emotionally difficult times. As she processes and problem solves, she’ll internalize the belief that she can do hard things. She’ll discover that she’s more resilient than she knew she was at the onset of the problem. Keep affirming that she’s like a caterpillar who’s turning into a butterfly and her wings will get stronger as she learns to push her way out of the confined, dark space (cocoon). Once she’s airborne, she’ll forget how hard the struggle was and see the value in it while she soars to higher heights. You can give her this perspective while remembering that you truly are making it better by listening and showing empathy.

7. DISTANCE--- I talk to a lot of dads about how much their hearts hurt due to distance from their daughters. Sometimes the distance is tied to divorce where she feels loyal to her mom and is caught in the crossfire. Other times she’s making poor choices and doesn’t want you to be disappointed in her. Regardless, there’s no upside to distance.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Don’t lose heart during the seasons where your daughter is radio silent. I know it’s excruciating to wait when you long to be close to her again. I suggest two things: 

1. Write a list of prayers for her during this time.

2. Write in a journal that you’ll give her when the door is open again where you share thoughts, dreams, memories, prayers, wishes and affirmations.

There you have it, Dad: 7 practical strategies for proactively navigating this Christmas season so you can end the year in a powerfully positive way with your daughter. Go Dad!

12 Reasons Why I'm Thankful For GirlDads: The Thanksgiving Edition

Since we’re all preparing for Thanksgiving next week, I decided to celebrate early by giving you a dose of encouragement, Dad, with 12 specific reasons why I’m grateful for you.

And even if you’re not relationally solid with your daughter right now, the fact remains that you have value and impact, whether you’re close or far away from her. 

Having walked alongside girls and young women for the past 40+ years, I can undoubtedly say that a father is one of the most important influences in his daughter’s life, as research also confirms. (Some even say her father is the most important influence in her life).

You, Dad, shape her identity and build (or diminish) her confidence more than almost anyone else. You, Dad, lay the foundation of who she is and who she sees herself to be, and one positive word or action from you can instantly turn a bad day into a good one.

In keeping with this theme, here’s 12 more ways to highlight why you matter and why I’m celebrating you today:

1. Your opinion carries significant weight in your daughter’s life. (Even if your daughter says or acts like your input isn’t important, it does).

2. Your attentive presence communicates more per square inch than you’d imagine. (I’m not sure why it does, but it does; you’ll just have to believe me on that one!). When you’re around, she feels safe.

3. When you show up, she internalizes that she is worthy and valuable.

4. When you provide for her needs, she settles into knowing and believing she’ll be okay and be taken care of.

5. When you look at her, you’re affirming that she really does have value. (Eye contact is vitally important if you want her to feel special and worth your time).

6. Your smile, when directed towards her, reflects that she’s loved and special.

7. You make her day better by remembering what matters to her, especially the little things. (Even if you think those little things are silly or unimportant).

8. When you’re proud of her, she thrives and rises to the occasion with more enthusiasm and motivation to prove to herself that she’s strong and competent.

9. Your support and encouragement makes her believe she can do anything (because she’ll internalize and embrace this positive gift from you).

10. When you lead by example (by modeling humility, admitting fault, choosing forgiveness, releasing offenses, being grateful and kind, having a good attitude, spending time investing in people and projects, being generous, etc.), it doesn’t matter what everyone else says or does because you’re showing her what it looks like in action.

11. Even if everything comes crashing down around her, when you’re in her corner, cheering her on, she picks herself up and keeps believing in herself.

12. You have the privilege of leading your daughter to connect with her Heavenly Father by expressing His attributes to her (a.k.a. heart pursuit, unconditional love, consistent provision, protection, etc.).

There it is---12 specific things to encourage your heart today, Dad, and remind you why you matter in your daughter’s life.

I’m thankful for each of you and the way you’re positively influencing your daughter by being intentional and consistent as you pursue her heart. I truly believe we will be a healthier country from the ground up with healthier women….and that’s where you come in!

To sum up, from my heart to yours on this week of thanksgiving, I simply say, “Thanks, Dad.”

Why My Video About Dads and Anger Went Viral

I recently experienced something for the first time in my life: One of my videos went viral!

Over 3.4 million people have viewed a little 47-second clip on Instagram where I shared about the vital importance of a dad dropping his anger…and it exploded! The clip came from a two-hour interview I did with my friend, Jim Ramos of Men in the Arena, when his team posted this snippet as we talked about the importance of a dad’s active role in the life of his daughter.

Before going any further, here are the actual words I spoke in it:

“Awhile back I met a dad with a 2 ½ year old daughter who said: Tell me what I need to know [as a #girldad] in 20 seconds. Go!

Without hesitating, I responded: I’ll do you one better. I’ll give you just three words:
DROP. YOUR. ANGER. You will do more damage to her heart through your anger than anything else.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.
Your anger destroys her spirit.
Your anger shuts her down.
Your anger will make her stop trying.
Your anger will be internalized by her and she will believe she’s not worthy and that she’s unloveable.

So the best gift you can give your daughter is to make a commitment right now to set a foundation to never respond to her in anger.”

As you can imagine, hundreds of comments poured in, and the large majority of them broke my heart.

Here are some examples:

“My father was always mad. I honestly never saw him happy or content when I was a child. He would come home and scream and yell and punch the wall over trivial things. It was terrifying. He'd apologize sometimes but that just taught me to expect explosive anger. I never thought I could be good enough for someone. It's funny that my father was extremely angry and my ex-husband treated me the same way he did.”

“I think anger is a human emotion, not to be avoided. The real issue is how to resolve things after anger has been displayed. It can be very powerful to show your kids that adults are just as fallible. Talking about one's anger and showing your daughter that she's not the cause of the anger is more valuable than walking around trying to be perfect. It also allows for one's own personal growth to be more organic.”

“As a woman who grew up with an angry dad, this is so on point ... I surely shut down and ran away from my dad emotionally after awhile ... I could barely make eye contact with my dad ... I always felt like he didn't love me and I felt unlovable for years, by him and other men ... It took God through prayer to show me that my dad was in his own pain and didn't know how to love, and I began to approach him differently and I know now it wasn't personal."

These stories highlight that:

1. Scars and wounds from a dad’s anger are real...and they’re lasting.

2. We have an opportunity to move forward through forgiveness to heal from our father wounds.

The reason I believe this video went VIRAL is because it resonated with people’s stories regarding their father’s anger, and this validated their experiences.  

Anger is our signal that we’ve been betrayed or violated. And if we don’t deal with those issues, we’ll spin around in anger and it will devour us while destroying relationships.

If you’re ready to begin looking at the roots of your anger to see what’s underneath, here are some suggestions about where to start:

1. When you notice your emotions intensifying, walk away to catch your breath and you’ll have a higher likelihood of responding later in a way that is congruent with your heart and love for those around you.

2. Realize that if you’re hitting an 8, 9 or 10 (on a 0 to 10 scale of intensity), it’s your own stuff that’s being activated, even if it feels like it’s the impact of what’s happening around you.

3. Ask yourself: When have I felt like this before? Go back to when you were young since it most likely started long ago. (For example: You may have a familiar feeling of being helpless, controlled, overpowered or disrespected). The current intensity may be tied to something in your history.

4. Allow Jesus, God or Truth to reveal to you any truths about who you are and what you need. (For example: I can ask for what I need now, I can leave and come back, I am worthy of being respected, loved and valued, etc.).

5. Be willing to ask forgiveness and make amends with those you’ve hurt.

6. Meet with a trusted friend or mentor and share your story while receiving support through the process. (One other option is to schedule an appointment with me where we can meet over Zoom to explore your anger and move toward resolution).

Dad, here’s my final challenge to you: Take one step today to be a courageous dad who models to your kids what it looks like to own your stuff, drop your anger, make amends, and walk in new ways.

This is how you can become the dad you want to be…and your kids need you to be.

Let’s keep the conversation going so we can see a new video go viral where kids and adults of all ages start posting powerful, positive stories of their lives changing for the better when their dads dropped their anger. Go Dads!

5 SPOOK-Proof Strategies for Solving the Mystery of Your Daughter

With Halloween being just around the corner, I thought it would be fun to talk today about how you as dads can solve the MYSTERY of your daughter in ways that are less SPOOKY or SCARY.

I often hear fathers tell me their daughters are complicated and complex, sometimes even downright confusing. Yet, believe it or not, I’ve discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may appear. If you, Dad, are open incorporating these insights into your daily rhythms, you’ll see how quickly your daughter will respond to you more positively. Let me say it another way:

The more you understand your daughter’s wiring and core needs, the less of a MYSTERY she’ll be to you.

These five spook-proof strategies for decoding your daughter come from one of my favorite stories in the Bible.

Quick backstory: Mary and Martha are sisters who were close personal friends of Jesus. He was like family to them and loved their brother too. Jesus knew them and they knew him. I love the way Jesus related specifically to Martha, the more dramatic of the two women, during a time when she was overly reactive, totally stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of these realities with the women in your home or life, you’ll appreciate learning what Jesus did (with his male energy) to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend. I guarantee if you follow His lead, you and your daughter will benefit.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.

Even when Martha dramatically blurts out that Jesus “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns), she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture, but listens and absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice….gently and lovingly.

There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you----maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.

Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.

As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden we reach our max and then comes the explosion. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus lets Martha know that he knew she indeed did have “many things” going on, which led to her meltdown. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go far to make her feel heard and understood (which is empathy---compassionately looking at her life through her eyes).

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.

Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. I’ll take this theme one step further and add that when we girls get overwhelmed with the “too much to do and not enough time” reality, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.