Be the Reason She Turns Toward God as a Father, Not the Reason She Doesn't

Awhile back I read an article from ABC News citing a study by Froese and Bader summarizing the four ways that Americans view God. I was astounded to discover that only 22% characterized the Almighty in a positive way, seeing him as benevolent, while the other 78% claimed to see Him through a critical, distant, or authoritative lens.

When I first read this, my immediate thought was: I wonder if 78% of Americans have a critical, distant, or authoritative father who has shaped the way they responded to this query.

I’ve been talking to male and female audiences for the past few years about the correlation between the way we relate to our earthly father and our subsequent response to God as a Father. Almost always tears are shed by some in the audience as tangible pain begins to surface once the connection is made between the two.

After one such presentation in Colorado I met 31-year old Elaina. She’s given me permission to share her story, written in an email once we both arrived home:

I wanted to tell you that it was kind of hard for me to connect with what you're doing with dads because my bio dad is almost totally absent and my stepdad is, well, my stepdad...so it seems almost impossible that I could ever use the skills you're teaching.

HOWEVER, I found it really helpful when you had us free associate words for father. I came up with absent, jerk and lonely-which really helped me when I was talking to my counselor yesterday, trying to describe my experience of my dads!

Anyway, I'm so grateful that you're doing this work with dads. If there had been someone like you around or a workbook detailing what you do, it might not have had to be this way between me and either of my dads. Maybe then I would have a better image of God and would not hop from father figure to father figure, trying to find someone to affirm me and feed my father hunger.

I have discovered that the horizontal and vertical are synonymously related. I believe our relationship with our dad always influences our view of God.

I agree with my friend Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, who encourages dads in this way:

Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you. If you are a normal, healthy father, you should be glad that she wants to believe in someone larger, because you know all too well that many times you will fail her…

You are just a normal, good-enough dad doing the best you can. You need to have someone behind you, someone your daughter can turn to when you’re not there. You both need a bigger, better father on your side.

You need to tell your daughter what you think and believe. What you believe will have a strong impact on what she believes. And if you feel you need to start your faith journey right alongside her, do it. She’ll love it.

I know this has been a lot to take in. Let me wrap things up by saying that I understand the heavy weight on your shoulders as you consider that YOU---finite, human, imperfect----are modeling GOD AS A FATHER to your daughter. That really is a huge responsibility.

Yet this isn’t about you needing to be perfect as God is perfect.

It’s about you, as a fellow traveler in this life with your daughter, seizing the opportunity to be honest with yourself and sometimes with her about your questions and fears when it comes to God and spiritual things.

Seek out real answers to your real questions…with her.

Invite her into the sacred space of being a learner who feeds your spiritual life.

My hope is that this will translate to your daughter turning towards God because of you. That it what it means to leave a lasting legacy.

p.s. If you’d like to open up a conversation with your daughter on spiritual things, here’s a questionnaire to guide you: Dad-Daughter Questions on Spiritual Things