An Antidote to Social Distancing: How Dads Can Increase Relational Connection With Their Daughters During the Coronavirus Outbreak
Michelle Watson
Here we all are, together in a way like never before. And not like any of us would have ever expected or chosen this, but now we’re bonding over our shared experiences as the coronavirus has invaded our cities, our nation, and the world.
The thing that has hit us so hard is how fast it’s happened. All without warning. I talked with a friend last night who said, “Isn’t it crazy to think that none of this was on our radar just two weeks ago?” Absolutely!
And no matter where we’re living, the stories of impact keep pouring in. Here’s some I’ve heard in the past few days:
My niece’s wedding this weekend just got cancelled (as did her honeymoon) because her venue closed earlier this week, so now she’s getting married in her parent’s backyard…on a Thursday. Not the dream wedding she had planned, to say the least.
An 11-year old girl texted me to say, “My school is cancelled for the rest of the year and I’m sad because I’ll never get to graduate elementary school.”
Another friend is a senior in high school and now doesn’t think she will graduate with her friends while another wasn’t able to finish out her school year as an athlete because her basketball season ended right before the championship games.
I know a couple of women who already lost their jobs and another is wondering if her business will survive due to low financial reserves needed to keep it afloat.
Two dads (and a granddad) dropped everything to rescue their college daughters and bring them home after their school year came to an abrupt halt.
As if these individual stories aren’t enough to capture the intense reality we’re all facing, I just had a profound conversation a few days ago with a friend who is in the middle of a medical crisis that’s led to serious decline in her physical functioning (most likely with a diagnosis of ALS). With raw vulnerability she opened up, “As strange as this may sound, this is the first time I haven’t felt so alone with what I’m going through. I’m increasingly aware of my own mortality and no one has been able to relate to me…until now. Everyone is finally experiencing a little bit of what I’m experiencing every single day.”
Her words hit me hard. She’s right. I rarely think about my mortality. Instead, I start my days with energy and passion, often heading out the door for a run where my lungs enjoy fresh air while I see emerging new life sprouting from the ground, smelling Spring all around me. But in an unexpected way, I now have a little window into her experience.
And I don’t know about you, but as much as I’ve been trying to focus on the positive and the good, as well as on the people I love and the things I’m passionate about (especially investing in dads of daughters), these last couple of weeks have felt different.
The atmosphere and the air feel different now.
The roads we drive on feel different now.
The stores with bare shelves (specifically with no TP!) feel different now.
We’re all different now.
For each of us, our new normal is set against a backdrop where, for months, the media focus has been on how divided we are as a country. Yet it seems that this crisis is bringing us together as we suffer and strategize collectively. We’re all acutely aware that if we don’t work together, we’re not going to beat this thing.
And while we’re being forced to face the uncertain, we’re living in a time where the loudest voices have the most impact. I guess it’s always been that way, but I’m especially tuned into what I’m hearing right now. And I keep wondering where the truth tellers are. I keep listening for those who will steer us to look up and believe for miracles despite our fear.
Dad, this could be your finest hour to be a voice of strength---even the loudest voice ---in your daughter’s life, one that heralds hope and highlights God’s peace, purposes, and promises. If you don’t speak up, then every other voice will outrank yours.
This is the time to get closer to your daughter. Even if she hasn’t expressed that she’s scared, I assure you that she has some level of anxiety about her future and what this could all mean. Truth be told, part of me is exactly at that place while part of me is grounded and okay. I imagine your daughter is there too. So I speak on behalf of your precious offspring to say that if you get close enough to hear what her heart is saying, she’ll never forget your investment in her.
She needs you to tune into their fears by coming alongside to affirm, listen, and validate.
She needs you to show up and dial in to where she’s at, not where you want her to be.
She needs you to reassure her that you want to be her rock to steady her and comfort her, ultimately leading her to the Rock that is her Ultimate Support.
The good news for you as a dad is that while we’re being instructed to comply with social distancing directives and guidelines, you can actually increase social connection by pursuing closeness with your daughter because you’re family.
If you’re a dad who wants to use this time to bond more with your daughter while creating forever memories that will last long after this crisis is over, here are a few things that will not only help you survive this crisis, but thrive during it:
Ask your daughter what she needs from you right now.
She may need you to listen, play a game, tell jokes, or do a project with her. She may want you to join her for a movie marathon or stay up all night and play Monopoly or Risk. Maybe she’s wanted to remodel her bedroom, but before now there didn’t seem to be time to do it. Join her in what matters to her while making her world safer and happier by asking what she needs each day from you since your presence will stabilize her more than you may realize.
Gather around the table as a family to talk about what each of you is thinking and feeling.
Sadly, for many, mealtimes around the dinner table are a thing of the past. What if this season became a time where family meals were brought back into your home to increase conversation and connection. But make sure ground rules are set in place first: no criticizing or teasing. Then each one will share what they’re thinking about and feeling, followed with what they’re afraid of right now [the unknown, school or schedule changes, sickness or death, etc.]
Reflect on ways that you and your daughter connected when she was younger and bring one tradition back this week.
Think of this as walking down memory lane. You can do this by talking and remembering…or you could get out photo albums to spark your recall. Then bring back one of the things that the two of you used to do when she was younger. My dad and I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons while lying on the living room floor and eating fun breakfast cereal. I would absolutely love it if my dad re-created that memory now and I guarantee your daughter will feel the same with you!
No matter her age, initiate or renew a practice of checking in with her before bedtime, ending the day with giving loving and affirming words.
Studies show that the last thing we talk about, think about, and hear before we go to sleep is often correlated to our dreams and unconscious thoughts during the night. During this break from your normal routine, where you and your daughter are closer together under the same roof, use this time to connect at the end of each day while speaking words of life to calm and ground her in your love.
Join your daughter in the kitchen to bake or cook something for yourselves and/or the family.
With restaurants closing, we’re all being forced to get creative at home with our food choices and meal prep. And like Plato said, “necessity is the mother of invention,” which for now means we’re going to have to figure things out in our own kitchens or we’re going to starve! So why not join your daughter and whip up a meal or a dessert for yourselves or the fam. Get ready for laughter and a great photo op during the process! Then post your pictures on social media with the hashtag: #daddaughterselfie.
Every day this week read a Psalm out loud to your daughter.
I’ve discovered that sometimes dads don’t know what to do to be a spiritual leader. I’m here to say that just doing one thing will make a significant impact. So right now with everything feeling turned upside down and backwards, what better time to lead your daughter to look up to God. I’ve found particular comfort this week in Psalms 23 and 91. Even if your daughter isn’t a fan of the Bible, she might be more open to spiritual things these days if she’s needing some extra spiritual comfort and strength.
So there you have it: A few specific ways that you can turn this crisis into the best bonding experience you’ve ever had with your daughter where she’ll glean the rewards of having you near her.
Be her anchor in this storm so that when she looks back, she’ll remember that you were in the storm with her. This could be more powerful than anything she’ll ever remember about the crisis swirling around her.
Dad, you can be your daughter’s antidote to this current coronavirus outbreak by strategically connecting with her more than ever before. You’ve got this, Dad. On your mark, get set…connect!