The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers (Guest Blog by Dr. Ken Canfield)

I literally cannot believe I’m celebrating one whole year of marriage this week. Time sure flies!

So as a way to let you hear Ken’s heart, I’ve invited him to write a guest blog focused on his ground-breaking book,
“The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers: Becoming the Father Your Children Need.”
This is the first of twelve books he’s written and many would say this is their favorite,
which is underscored by the fact that it’s been translated into ten languages!

I’m excited for you to learn some fathering secrets from my husband (I’m still getting used to that word, “husband!”) since he’s the founder of the National Center for Fathering and is deeply invested in the lives of dads.

This overview will give you evidence-based practices that you can immediately put into action as you pursue the hearts of your daughters and sons. Go Dad!
~ Michelle

For the past three decades I’ve spent countless hours listening to and surveying over ten thousand voices from fathers across America. Their responses, answers, comments, and experiences have set the foundation for what I’m sharing with you today. As a researcher, I’ve collected data, run statistical analyses, read diverse scientific journals, and interacted with professionals who are working with fathers. And yes, I’ve raised five children of my own as well.

Yet in listening to a number of men who are considered by professionals and their peers to be effective fathers, I’ve discovered that they are dads just like you and me, but have taken their fathering role strongly to heart and have excelled in it. They are master craftsmen. I’ve listened to these men because I want their wisdom and insights on how I, too, can become an effective father.

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

We’ve studied these men and looked for areas of fathering practice where these effective dads scored significantly higher than all the other dads in our data bank. What do they know that the rest of us should know? What things have they done that we can accomplish in our lives?

There are certain things that effective fathers do differently from all other dads. In fact, there are at least seven things. I call them the seven secrets of effective fathers, and if we learn them, we, too, can become better fathers.

That said, here are the seven secrets of effective fathers gleaned from the insights of respected journeymen:

1. Commitment
You may have turned your heart toward your children, but are you communicating that? Do your children know without a doubt that, in your heart, they stand head and shoulders above almost everything else? Verbalize your commitment to your kids, let them know you are accessible, and look for occasions (even create them) where you can simply have fun with your kids!

2. Knowing your child
What separates effective fathers from all other fathers is that they are also aware of who their children are as individuals. They know each child’s distinct personality traits, talents, strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. Our research revealed that effective fathers know when his child has a difficult day or is upset, the names of his/her best friends, what encourages and motivates his child the most, when he’s hurt his child’s feelings, when his child was embarrassed, and most of his child’s recent disappointments.

3. Consistency
Our research shows that an effective father is consistent in his moods, his presence in the family, his keeping of promises, his morality and ethics, his daily schedule, and his hobbies and interests. Of these categories, becoming consistent in your moods may prove to be the biggest struggle. But it is a struggle in which you can find victory. Many times, men who are inconsistent in their emotions are that way because they had fathers who were inconsistent. But we can make what I call regular and wise “midcourse corrections” to avert many life crises by a choice of our will. And just like a captain to his crew, the committed father turns to his family to bring them safely to port by saying, “Because I love you and want to guide you safely, I’m going to make the effect to draw a new map.”

4. Protection/provision
Our children need us to not only know their needs and work to meet those needs, but also to see us protect and provide for them. While some protective issues may be less visible than in days when we circled the wagons, there are still plenty of occasions where a father must rise up and protect those he loves, particularly in a crisis. A father’s positive response in the face of crisis is crucial, and though he might not be able to prevent a crisis, his actions can do a lot to determine the outcome when the crisis does occur.

5. Loving their mother
I have struggled to understand this secret. It seems to leave little room for variance. What about fathers whose wives have left them? How can these men apply this secret after they have experienced marital disruption? This secret creates a great difficulty for those men who sincerely love their children and want to be effective dads, but who have a hard time loving their children’s mother. The question is: Do you love your kids? Then one of the best things you can do for them is to love their mother--or at least maintain a civil relationship with her while committing to never undercut or disgrace her in front of them. The main benefit to your children is an atmosphere of security. And if you’re married: date your mate, model teamwork, show affection in front of your kids, or take your kids with you when you shop for a gift for your wife.

6. Active listening
Effective fathers have learned the discipline of giving their full attention to their children when they are speaking. They allow their children to disagree without becoming angry, and commit to creating an atmosphere of caring and acceptance that encourages them to share their ideas. Because the goal of listening is to gain an understanding of how our child perceives the situation, we will need to expand our skill set in learning to ask thoughtful, open-ended questions to grasp what our children are thinking and feeling.

7. Spiritual equipping
Actually, it’s understandable that many fathers feel inadequate when it comes to spiritual matters. We’re surrounded by many other people who seem so much better equipped than we are to foster our children’s growth. But don’t tell me that spiritual equipping doesn’t matter to your kids. They’re listening to what you say about God, and they take great comfort in your consistent, heartfelt expressions of faith in the Almighty. Effective fathers understand the spiritual aspects of their children’s lives, and they work to help their children discover their own relationship with God.

These seven secrets will stand you in good stead, but there is actually one thing you still lack. I need to tell you about the eighth secret.

With fathering, you can do your part by applying the seven secrets of effective fathers and it is likely you will reap a crop of well-equipped children who live their lives wonderfully, though there is no guarantee that this will happen.

This is why there is an eighth secret. And it is a mystery. In fact, this secret may be the most profound of them all.

Within each father there is a secret that he longs to express with his kids. It is each mans’ individual expression of his fathering.

Yes, fathering is a daunting and complex task, but only you can father your children. You are the only one in possession of that secret that God wants implanted in the lives of your children through you.

Effective fathers rise to the challenge, confident that the Heavenly Father will make up for their weaknesses and bless even their most uncertain efforts.

Seven secrets. Seven tasks. Seven wonders of the world. Yet if you’ve had the privilege of being present for the birth of your child, you instantly know that the grandeur of the Great Pyramids of Egypt or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon pale in comparison.

When your baby is born and you see his or her first breath, then you know you’ve seen the eight wonder of the world.

Eight wonders. Eight secrets.

A God of grace.