Six Words That Will Make You a Better Dad

Are you old enough to remember the craze in the 60’s and 70’s where really cool prizes (a.k.a. “cheap gimmicks”) were tucked inside cereal boxes?  I can still see my sister and I begging my mom to buy the cereal with the most alluring prizes, regardless of whether we even liked it (which I’m sure set a foundation that thrives to this day because I’m still a sucker for a deal!).  

One of my all-time favorite prizes was a decoder ring that I somehow believed would instantaneously transform me into Sherlock Holmes because I had the cryptic tool for solving the mysteries on the back of the box (it’s amazing how inexpensive toys brought such joy back then…but that’s another story for another day).

The thing that sticks out in my mind about decoder rings is that they instantly provide the link between the problem and the solution. Without the magic ring the problem is left unsolved and unanswered.  

If you’re a dad to a daughter, the question I pose to you is this: Do you ever wish you had a decoder ring to better translate, understand, and relate to her?  

If you’re anything like the dads of daughters I lead in The Abba Project (a group for dads with girls between the ages of 13 and 30) you are often left scratching your head as your daughter matures into her teen years and beyond, sometimes wondering where “daddy’s little girl” went. As your potential confusion rises, it can easily lead you to make a reactive decision where you back away while turning to mom and saying, “here, you’re a girl---you go in.”  

Child psychologist Dr. James Dobson poses a powerful question: What does a girl need from her parents when everything has gone topsy-turvy?  The answer: more attachment, not less.  

To further underscore the point he adds, “Even when she is most unlovable, she needs love and connectedness not only from her mother but also from her father.”

So what do you need to be a dialed-in dad who is sensitive to your ever-changing daughter even with all of her up’s and down’s?

I believe the answer is tucked inside an obscure story in the middle of the book of Joshua (by the way, even if you’re not one to crack open the Bible I hope you’ll hang in here and keep reading. It’s a really cool narrative…I promise!)

This is a story about an incredible dad who got it right with his daughter. He says six words that, if emulated, will make you a better dad starting today.

Quick backstory: Caleb is an Israelite spy who, along with his friend Joshua, went on a journey to check out what was called “the Promised Land” to find out if it was inhabitable. After their exploration there was one BIG problem: there were giants living in it. But instead of being intimidated, these two guys saw with eyes of faith and believed that God would give them the land regardless of overwhelming odds. 

Fast forward to a later time when Caleb is interacting with his married daughter Achsah. Just like her visionary dad, she was a courageous woman who wasn’t afraid to ask for what she wanted. It’s obvious that her dad had modeled to her what it meant to be bold and forthright. 

Let’s pick up the story in Joshua 15. “One day when Achsah came to her husband, she urged him to ask her father for a field. When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her,

“What can I do for you?”

I love that question from dad to daughter. It’s so simple yet so profound. These are six words that every dad should memorize and use regularly. I believe they will positively impact the way your daughter interacts with you if you put them into practice.

Notice that this dad brought himself to his daughter’s problem. He was willing to invest his time and his resources to help her, all before he knew what it was she even wanted.

Here is Achsah’s response to her dad’s question: “Do me a special favor. Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water.” 

She obviously had a foundation of relationship to ask her dad for “a special favor.” She knew he would listen. She had no fear of asking for something in addition to the first gift he’d already given her.  She trusted that he would respond.

The amazing thing is that he does it for her. We read that “Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.”  

Do you notice how easily she responded to her dad’s question about what she wanted  without holding back? 

Do you notice how he offers himself as the solution to her request?

Do you notice how he gives his daughter more than she asked for?

Who would have thought that a father from 16th century BC could provide such a profound six-word code that dads in the 21st century could use to unlock their daughters’ hearts?  

Dad, I encourage you to begin making these six words a regular part of your interactions with your daughter: “What can I do for you?” 

It’s not about throwing things at her; it’s about bringing YOU to the relationship. I guarantee that these few words will be a game-changer in the way your daughter responds to you.

Dadvice: Soften Your Tone

I am hopeful by now that you, Dad, really know that I’m one of your biggest fans.  

To underscore that fact, I have a tagline on my website that truly captures my heart, which is simply this: Helping Dads Become Heroes.

You’ve heard me say time and again that in order to be a hero, you have to take action. Think:  Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man. Now think: You.

Truth be told, superheroes can’t hold a candle to you because you have the ability to take your superpowers and use them to touch your daughter’s heart and life in profound, forever ways. 

You as a superhero are the first man to love your daughter and that is your most incredible superpower!

I know that you want to see your daughter grow and bloom and soar. I believe your deepest desire is to mold and shape her in ways that hold her in good stead throughout her life.

Yet because you’re a mere mortal and not super human, your mask and your armor come off when you get home. That’s where things sometimes don’t always line up between your head and your heart. That’s where the emotional switch gets flipped on and buttons get pushed. That’s where you say things you later regret, leading to the need for making amends.

If I could offer one piece of advice to help you achieve your goal of being the best dialed-in dad you can be, I would say this:

Soften your tone.

Or to say it another way: Your daughter will hear you differently if the tone of your voice is more gentle and kind. In essence, your tone changes your tune.

I realize the word soft isn’t the most masculine of terms and yet if you want to see better results in the quality of your relationship with your daughter, trust me when I say it’s worth the work to hone this skill because your interactions will thrive as a result.

Over time I’ve come to discover, both from interacting with dads and daughters, that men don’t always realize how their intense their vocal tone actually is. In one felt swoop, those forceful words cut like a knife to the heart. To her heart.

Oftentimes as men you think you’re talking in a gentle tone to your daughters, but to them it sounds like a harsh command. They hear your words as an order being barked at them. And I know you don’t hear it that way, which then leaves you confused because your sons never seem to have a problem when you talk to them like that, right?

Though fathers sometimes say that their daughters are the ones who have the tone problem because of their big emotional reactive responses, I would suggest that change has to start with you. If you stay soft, she will calm down…eventually.

So how do you activate this stance of softening your tone?

1. Give yourself a time out.
I suggest taking a break from the interaction that is synonymous with your age. I know that might sound crazy, but it works in the same way with adults as kids. If you’re 50, then you need 50 minutes after being frustrated or enraged to calm down. Decide here on the front end that you will discipline, correct, or instruct when you’re angry and emotionally activated. Walk away and come back later. That way there’s less chance of saying something you’ll regret. It’s always a good idea to wait until your emotional midbrain has returned to its normal state before engaging in a potentially intense interaction. 

2. Find another dad to be accountable to.
I continue to be aware that men are highly motivated when there is competition and/or camaraderie. So why not find another father who is working on softening his tone and then challenge each other to change the way you interact with your kids. Touch base at least once a month and encourage each other to stay the course.

3. Ask your daughter for periodic feedback.
Since your goal is to nurture her heart space, why not use her feedback as a template to gauge how you’re really doing. Let her know you’re working on softening your tone and then invite her to give you input on your progress. This will add yet another layer of accountability as you ask your daughter to weigh in.

I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who doesn’t want their relationship to be healthier and stronger. And I have yet to meet a father or a daughter who isn’t happier and more hopeful when their relationship is on track and in harmony. 

But if the bridge has been bombed out between the two of you due to this exact issue of heart hurts due to harsh responses, there’s no better time than the present to soften your tone and change the dance.

She’ll be glad you did. And so will you.

Blind Spots

We’ve all heard the term “blind spot” when it comes to driving. And just to make sure we’re all in the same lane, here’s how the dictionary defines it: “an area where a person's view is obstructed.”

And though this term refers to our line of sight when driving a car, it also serves as a clever metaphor for life beyond the wheel. Why is that, you ask? Because every one of us is vulnerable to mishaps or accidents in those areas where our view is less than clear.

Relating this to dads, have you ever wondered how your personal blind spots might keep you from seeing the ways that your “driving” is impacting your daughter? [a.k.a. the way you steer her or influence her by your responses and choices]. Truth be told: the way you “drive” when she’s along for the ride impacts every part of her life. Stated otherwise, your blind spots have the potential to harm her or even put her in danger.

But let’s be honest, sometimes it can be hard to come out from under the illusion that we’re expert drivers because then it would require admitting that maybe we don’t have things under control or that we can’t see everything plainly. And to make matters worse, what happens when someone points out something we’ve missed or done wrong when we’re the one at the wheel.

• That’s usually when the walls of defensiveness go up. 

• That’s usually when anger and blame are set into motion. 

• That’s usually when conflict erupts. 

Bottom line: Every move we make impacts those with us in the car when we’re “driving.” Even more, when our view is obstructed and we don’t see how the things we’re doing negatively impact those around us, it’s in those times that there is greater potential for unintended or catastrophic injury to those we love. 

You’ve no doubt seen these words inscribed on your rear view mirror: Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

How true this is when it comes to your relationship with your daughter. Whether she is in the car [of life] with you or in a car following behind yours, she is closely watching and listening and taking note.

That’s 24/7 driver’s education at it’s best…or worst.

That said, here are three common blind spots that dads can have with their daughters:

1. Speaking with harshness. Sometimes men are unaware that their strong masculine voices sound harsh, mean, or angry to their girls. Additionally, they may hear themselves as sounding less intense than their daughters do, even justifying their tone of voice when they feel the situation calls for a certain level of intensity. And though our individual preferences regarding volume levels could be described as a Mars-Venus thing (men are from Mars, women are from Venus), if you want to connect with your daughter’s heart, you’ll have to take it down a few notches. Because when a daughter experiences her dad as overpowering and domineering, she interprets his commanding stance as unloving and uncaring, which makes her feel dishonored and rejected. That is when she’ll more readily go into attack mode and retaliate in like kind or put walls up to defend and self-protect. 

Dad, softening your tone will touch that deep place in her heart that longs for and needs your approval and affirmation. 

2. Inattentive listening. I’ve heard a lot of daughters say that their dads sometimes seem more interested in their own work, sports, or ministries than in them. And this conclusion tends to be based on watching where their dads spend the bulk of their time, attention, and money, particularly when they see them have energy to invest elsewhere. Then add in the fact that the majority of men struggle to sustain interest during long conversations (especially if there’s accompanying emotion), often due to having used up the bulk of their words and listening skills during the day, and there’s typically very little margin upon coming home for attending to a talkative daughter who has a need to process life. 

But God has given us two ears and one mouth to remind us to listen twice as much as we talk, and when you listen wholeheartedly, you let your daughter know that she’s worth being heard.

3. Authoritarian Stance. We’ve all heard it said that “rules without relationship equals rebellion.” So when rules are set in place without there first being a solid foundation of relational connection (which, for dads and daughters includes spending time together, listening to each other, playing together, attending events that she’s involved in, celebrating victories and milestones, doing projects together, working alongside each other, volunteering together, etc.), a daughter can easily conclude that her dad loves her less for who she is and more because she performs right or acts perfectly. 

Spending regular, consistent face-to-face time with your daughter communicates that you care more about winning her heart than being the rule enforcer. 

Dad, if you’re ready to decrease the potential for blind spots, here’s your action steps:

The next time you get in your car and see the eight familiar words on your side mirror, Objects in mirror are closer than they appear, let them prompt you to consider how your “driving” on that particular day is impacting your daughter. 

Better yet, why not ask her if there’s one area [a blind spot] where you could do better in making her feel loved and protected and safe. 

After all, there’s no better time than the present to improve your driving record, right? Go dads! 

Dad, Tell Her Your Story

In the words of Dr. Brene Brown, “When we deny our stories, they define us, but when we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending…with courage that starts with letting ourselves be seen.”

Dad, there is power in letting yourself be seen and known by your daughter as you tell her stories from your life.  

By opening up with her, it lets her know that you’re human, that you’ve made mistakes (and continue to make them), that you’re authentic and real and “normal” (whatever that means!).

This basically translates to moving from lecturing and teaching mode to an “I’m letting you know more about me” mode. 

The telling of your story can also include lessons you’ve learned along the way, which is a strategic way to form a bond between you as the speaker and your daughter as the listener. By taking off your mask (the one that is self protective and keeps people from really knowing you), you are letting her know who you really are--flaws and all.

Though I’m not saying that your daughter should be your confidant and therapist, I am saying that she can be a catalyst to you choosing to open up your heart and your emotions out of love for her. This will be a gift to her…and yourself. 

To provide confirming evidence for what I’m saying, here’s a positive story-telling experience between me and my dad, Jim:

If my dad is anything like you, you probably don’t think that your life is all that interesting. My dad has told me on more than one occasion that because he doesn’t find his life story all that interesting, he’s never thought to share much of it with me…until the last few years, that is. 

I have the best memory from about 15 years ago when the movie Chicago first came out. When this movie showed up in theaters, I wanted to see it, but I can assure you that this is not the kind of movie my dad goes to…ever! He’s a Sci-fi-adventure-shoot-‘em-up movie watcher. But because my mom was out of town that weekend, my dad took me my sister Liz to the theater, which prompted our idea to make it a “Chicago themed night.” After the movie we ate dinner at Chicago Pizza, and it was there that my dad told us stories of growing up in Chicago. 

He told us about the extreme poverty he grew up with and about his alcoholic dad, then he shared more about what it was like to have three different last names among the seven kids, followed with details of how he worked from the time he was six years old helping his older brothers with their paper routes. Then he told us the story of asking a neighbor boy’s dad to help him build a shoe shine box, and although he was only ten years old and very shy, he had the guts to sneak into a dozen different bars on Vincennes Avenue to shine shoes “under the table” (literally and figuratively!). He made great money as he “bar-hopped,” due in large part to the generosity of wealthy Mr. Lieberman, who would pay five dollars a pop for a job well done. But eventually my dad would be discovered and then get kicked out, only to head to the next bar down the street.  

I learned more about my dad’s childhood that night than ever before, and my sister and I absolutely loved It! And it stands out as one of my favorite nights ever with my dad.

I can honestly say that I’m richer for it because this is part of my history as well. The reality is that these stories would be lost forever if they weren’t passed down from my dad to us girls since they’re not written down anywhere. It’s like he’s a walking history book about his family and life in the 1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s.

The other benefit is that the stories my dad chooses to tell about his life give me more understanding, empathy, even grace, for who he is now as they help me know him better. They lead me to have more compassion in those times when I get irked at him because then I recall what he went through, particularly the lack of support, encouragement, money, confidence, or even attentive parents.

Summing up: The more real that my dad is with me, the more real he becomes to me. And I then see him through a reality lens where he’s human (not a superhero), which helps me to accept his limitations because I understand his backstory.

If you’re ready to share more of your life story with your daughter, I suggest three ways to go about doing it.

OPTION 1: If you want the fast-get-to-the-point version, here it is: 

1. Tell her what happened. (at a certain age or in a specific place)

2. Tell her what you learned. (include positive learning experiences, as well as lessons learned the hard way)

3. Invite her to ask questions. (choose to be honest and open in ways that are age-appropriate and that stretch you to grow in vulnerability)

OPTION 2: If you want to share something new that you haven’t told her before, start with:

1. One positive/happy story: (about vacations, jobs, adventures, educational or athletic experiences, volunteer opportunities, etc.)

2. One accomplishment/exploit: (achievements or awards, risks you’ve taken, feats of strength, endurance ventures, goals achieved, etc.)

3. One unwise/stupid decision: (such as a physical, financial, or relational choice that didn’t go the way you had thought, planned or hoped it would.)

Now here’s a time when me and my dad had a less than positive story-telling experience:

I still remember the time about 20 years ago when I randomly asked my dad if he remembered how old he was when he first had sex. I hadn’t ever thought to ask the question prior to that moment when the question popped into my head, so I asked it. My dad’s intense response completely caught me off guard, and had I known the question would be so offensive to him, tucked inside with ‘no trespassing’ sign on it, I never would have asked it. 

In response, my dad loudly asserted, “Michelle, why would you ask such a question?!!” 

Clearly I had crossed an invisible line, one that left me feeling like I’d committed the unpardonable sin by asking it. But I honestly had no idea this theme would turn out to be a land mine issue for him. So the only response I could muster was simply this, “Dad, I asked the question because I wanted to know more about your life. That’s all...honest.”

Maybe you can relate to my dad in not wanting to open the internal vault of your life to your daughter. 

Fast forward to more recently when my dad shared his thoughts about his struggle to be transparent with me: “Michelle, sometimes when you’ve asked me questions, I guess the hardest part is that I haven't always told you everything. It’s not that I don’t tell you a lot, but there are things that are way too personal or embarrassing that I wouldn't have even told my mother, let alone my daughter. These are actions I've been ashamed of and choices that were absolutely wrong and that I should have been in jail for, but all of this shows the amazing redemption God offers each of us, and especially me, in changing a life that was going nowhere.”

It was extremely helpful for me to hear these words because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. But my dad knew what he hadn’t told me and that was where things got tricky. And even though I assured him that I wouldn’t judge him, affirming that I simply wanted to know more of his real life story, I discovered that we were on different pages and I had to meet him at the place where he was comfortable sharing since it was his story to tell. 

OPTION 3: If you’re ready to be challenged to go into more depth with telling your story, here is another model you can use. And though this will take more time and effort on the front end, it will guide you through this process. You can prepare by writing out the story before your dad-daughter date or you can create a list of bullet point list so that you have an overview when you get together. 

Here is a detailed, yet organized way to share more of your story:

1. Tell about your life chronologically: One year at a time.

Tell one thing from each age of your life…as many as you can think of. And if your daughter has questions, let her “ask away,” as my dad has invited me to do.

2. Tell about your life seasonally: One occasion at a time. 
My dad would often tell me stories that corresponded with the current time of year that we were in, whether it was a holiday memory or a weather-related story or about traditions with food at that certain time of year, etc.

3. Tell about your life experientially: One topic at a time. 
For this one you can think in broad topical categories, ranging from your family of origin and what it was like to be in your family to education, job, sports, friends, girlfriends, dating, adventures, risks, etc. The list is endless.

4. Tell about your life spiritually: One theme at a time.
Let her hear about significant times you’ve had in your relationship with God. Talk about lessons you're learning spiritually and about parts of the Bible that are particularly meaningful to you. Be honest about questions or doubts you’ve had in the past, or even now. Tell her about any momentous retreat, camp, or conference experiences you’ve had. And share about music that’s impacted you, and/or any other times you’ve connected to God through your senses or nature.

5. Tell about your life relationally: One person at a time.
As you tell her about various people who have influenced you throughout your life, this is not only a way of honoring those people, but you will be positively impacted by recalling the influence and impact of mentors, coaches, pastors, teachers, relatives, and on it goes. Share what they’ve taught you and why those lessons had value to you then…and now. 

I started this blog with a quote from Brene Brown and it seems only fitting to end with another of her wise statements: “Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice---a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Dad, I trust that you’ll take a step this week to let your true self be seen by telling your daughter one thing about your life that you’ve never told her before.Just watch how she responds.

Let the story telling begin!

I Don't Speak "Car"

I took my car to a local garage the other day because it had been making a strange squeaking noise when I stepped on the brakes. My first thought was that I needed new shocks, but because I literally have no knowledge of cars, I took it to an expert so he could listen to the noise and diagnose the problem.

Truthfully, I hate dealing with car problems. It’s not exactly my area of expertise so I always feel a bit out of my element with things like this. Yet that’s why I give myself bonus points for courageously stepping up to the plate despite my discomfort.

So on this particular day as I walked into the garage, I sought to describe the unusual noise to the shop owner. However, he didn’t seem to understand what I was trying to explain so he suggested that we drive around the block where we could both listen for the problematic sound. I was confident that I’d be validated for what I’d been hearing.

But to no avail (which seems to be the way it goes, right?!).

It was then that the guy strongly (and in a way that I felt was more bold than the conversation merited) communicated to me that he couldn’t help me unless I gave him more specific information at a later date to let him know exactly what I was hearing.

I assure you that I fully comprehended his need for more specific data in order to identify the problem, but that wasn’t really the hardest part for me. It was that he talked down to me with a belittling and demeaning tone, making me feel like I was an idiot for not knowing how to exactly explain my dilemma to him.

Can I be honest and say that this is one of the things that sometimes doesn’t make sense to me about men. I am authentically and respectfully asking if you could shed some light on this for me. I don’t quite understand why there seems to be a need to talk louder and stronger in order to make a point when the person being talked to clearly isn’t tracking with the content.

As I discovered with this guy (the one whose bedside manner was obviously better suited to inanimate objects than humans), he seemed to enjoy powerfully communicating his position while implying that if I didn’t speak “car” then I needn’t return until I had mastered this foreign language since that’s all that he spoke.

The reality is that I love learning new things. In fact, I feel empowered when I walk into areas of incompetence because I’m presented with an opportunity to grow as a result of facing my fears while expanding my knowledge base. And I am enthusiastically willing to learn something new if someone will take the time to explain things to me…with kindness and respect.

The problem I had during this interaction was that he displayed neither of these qualities. And I really didn’t have any other words in my vocabulary to describe the noise other than what I told him. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or sound stupid. I gave him the best explanation I had.

But to him it wasn’t good enough.

He told me that if I came back, two things needed to happen:

1. I had to be way more specific with a better way of letting him know what the problem was, or...
2. It would need to get a lot worse before I actually had a legitimate problem.

I couldn’t quite determine in that moment whether I felt more disrespected, shamed, or angry. And though I feared that I would incite his wrath if I asked any other inane questions or didn’t say things in a way that he respected or understood (since he was clearly escalating in intensity), I decided that I simply had to speak up. I was literally coaching myself, giving myself a pep talk, because I knew that if I didn’t say something, I would disrespect myself.

So I mustered up my courage, looked at him square in his eyes, and met his intensity with these words:

“I’m not an idiot. I just don’t speak car! As a matter of fact, I have letters after my name, letters which would prove to some that I am not stupid and that I can actually describe complex scenarios in my respective field. We just have different areas of expertise. I did explain this to you the best I could. You and I just speak different languages and I gave you what I have.”

But I wasn’t finished.

I continued by telling him about the Mars/Venus thing and chose to assert myself even though I was in his world where he held the power. Despite feeling a bit bullied, I didn’t want to leave knowing I hadn’t used my voice. So despite lacking confidence while I spoke, I was happy that he backed down a little bit once I told him that “car” wasn’t my native tongue. It was then that the thought occurred to me that he was treating me with less dignity and honor than the brakes he installs on VW’s.

Dads, I share this story to remind you that, like me, your daughters don’t speak “car.”

It’s important to remember that she has knowledge about things that you don’t, and vice versa. Don’t put her down for not pacing with you fast enough or failing to track with topics that aren’t her forte. If you want to understand what she is saying then you’ll have to come her way (since you’re the adult and as her dad, the leadership role falls to you) because even on the best of days, she might not have any better words than what comes out of her mouth to explain to you what’s squeaking, creaking, or breaking inside her.

Give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s doing the best she can to explain, in her own words, the complexity of her world.

If you let kindness, patience, and gentleness be your guide, they will go a long way towards letting her know that you value, respect, and honor her. And the way you treat her will not only set the foundation for how she respects herself, but it will serve as a model for the way she interacts with others and expects to be treated in return.

After all, when you really think about it, it’s less about getting the car fixed and more about the journey that you take together in the process of getting it fixed, don’t you think?

So why not make it your goal today to take a step toward learning to speak your daughter’s native language (in her own unique dialect). Once you’ve done that, she’ll be more open to learning to speak “car” with you as her teacher. I’d call that a win-win, wouldn’t you?

How to Raise a World Changer

I’ll let you in on a little secret: I want to be a world changer! 
 
Stated more specifically (and with a lot more words!): I want to leave a lasting legacy of equipping fathers with better tools to intentionally and consistently pursue their daughter’s hearts, resulting in a culture that is influenced by healthy women who love with passion and lead with strength.
 
With that goal in mind, you can imagine my piqued interest when I saw the cover of Time Magazine a few months ago where the entire periodical was dedicated to one primary theme: 

FIRSTS : WOMEN WHO ARE CHANGING THE WORLD

Donning the cover was a beautiful African-American woman by the name of Ava DuVernay who was noted to be the first black women to direct a film nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Though I'd never heard of her, I was thrilled that she was being honored publicly as a significant female influencer. And under Ava’s picture, there was a list of numerous other women who were highlighted as firsts in their respective fields.

These women ranged from military heroines to those with financial success to brilliant entrepreneurs to accomplished athletes to governmental officials and on it went. Among those noted as powerful change-makers were Oprah Winfrey, Aretha Franklin, Barbara Walters, Sheryl Sandberg, Selena Gomez, Serena Williams, Madeline Albright, and so many others.

As I opened each page in the magazine, I was inspired by courageous women who ranged in age from 16 to 87, all who didn’t let the glass ceiling hold them back. I was intrigued to read that many of these women credited those who sought to stop them in their pursuits as being motivators in their stories. (Now that’s the epitome of resilience!) And although some of them talked about struggling to find their place “in a man’s world,” it was incredible to hear how many of them were championed by men in their lives.
 
But beyond talking about the impact of supportive men in general, many of these world changers noted that she had a dad who played a huge role in her success. 

For some reason, that piece of information caught me by surprise. And even though I spend much of my time focusing on the dad-daughter relationship, I wasn’t expecting these high achievers and national icons to talk about their father’s influence. Yet I was beyond excited to read about powerful women whose dads celebrated them!
 
Here are three stories in that article that caught my attention and I believe you’ll enjoy them too:

Philanthropist Melinda Gates is the first woman to give away more than $40 billion and she said, “If your dad believes in you, that’s important to young girls because if your dad thinks you can be good at math and science, good at business, good at anything, it lifts your confidence and your self-esteem.”

---

Loretta Lynch is the first black woman to become U.S. Attorney General and she recalls how her father, a Baptist minister, defied convention when he invited women to preach at his pulpit. Clearly this was not the norm back in the 60’s and 70’s.
Here is what she had to say about her dad: 
“My father was always fighting a fight for someone…I saw my father advocate for women to serve in leadership positions in his church. For him, talent could not go unrewarded. So from him I got the view that there were no limitations just because I was a girl…The aspirations and dreams he had for my brothers were the same ones he had for me.”

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Singer Aretha Franklin was the first woman to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and said, “The first songs I sang in church were ‘Jesus Be a Fence Around Me’ and ‘I Am Sealed.’ I was around 8 or 9. My dad asked me to sing that day. I didn’t want to sing in front of an audience. But he heard the possibilities and he continued to encourage me, and thank God he did.”

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That is honestly one of the most powerful ways I’ve ever heard to frame the way that a father directly influences his daughter: Dad heard the possibilities and continued to encourage. 

Daughters need their dads to HEAR the possibilities they don’t HEAR.
And daughters need their dads to SEE the possibilities they don’t SEE.

In other words, we daughters need to borrow our dad’s wisdom and insight and belief in us until we are able to own it for ourselves.
 
Dad, if you want to raise a confident daughter who believes in herself and steps forward to change the world around her for good, be assured that you are part of that equation and your input really does matter in the big scheme of things. 
 
Here’s your challenge today: Look for something specific in your daughter that you can highlight and celebrate, something that makes her smile and light up, even if she’s not good at it yet. Especially if she’s not good at it yet. (She has to start somewhere, right?).
 
And when you help your daughter hear the possibilities she can’t yet hear and see the possibilities she can’t yet see, she’ll have what she needs to become a formidable young woman who believes that anything is possible because she’s got you in her cheering section!

The Science and Power of your Heart Brain (Guest Blog by Dr. Margaret Nagib)

Dr. Margaret Nagib is a long time friend and one whose wisdom continually inspires me. I recently interviewed her on The Dad Whisperer, and after receiving such powerful feedback, I invited her to share her insights here so all of you can glean from her wisdom too. Enjoy!  ~ Michelle

Have you ever stopped to notice how many phrases we use to refer to the one part of our body that generates our physical pulse: our heart?

You can ‘listen to your heart’ and ‘know your heart’, discern the ‘heart of a matter’ or have a ‘change of heart.’ You can be careful to ‘guard your heart,’ and avoid having it broken or stolen, but when you are with someone you love, you may ‘give your heart away.’

You can do something ‘to your heart’s content’ or ‘halfheartedly’ if you decide your ‘heart’s not in it.’ You can even ‘pour your heart out’ while having a ‘heart to heart’ talk. You may be known as a ‘heartthrob,’ a ‘sweetheart,' or a ‘cold-hearted heart-breaker’. You can ‘know by heart, ’‘lead from your heart,’ or make a fashion statement by ‘wearing your heart on your sleeve.’

All this to say, we believe our hearts to be more than a simple pump.

And the latest heart science backs this up. Research has shown the heart is the driving force of our biological system and is highly complex with a functional brain.

The ‘heart brain,’ as it is called, actually enables the heart to learn, remember, and make functional decisions independent of the brain’s cerebral cortex (which is the part of our brain with four specific lobes that are each responsible for processing different types of sensory information.)

It is fascinating to consider that the heart communicates information via electromagnetic signals to the brain and body that influence our behaviors and choices, as well as the way we process emotions. 

The brain has an electromagnetic field of about an inch, but with our heart there is an even larger scope of impact with an electromagnetic field that releases five to twelve feet outside of our body while simultaneously permeating every one of our internal cells. 

Unlike other organs in our body, the heart’s electromagnetic field is charged with emotion that it encodes and then sends throughout that field. The emotions that the heart radiates affects the social climate around us. We undeniably affect other people with what we send through this electromagnetic field.

What this means for you is that while you can’t read your daughter’s mind, you can read her heart!  

The opposite also applies. She is a curious and sensitive creature who can pick up on the emotions you are experiencing. 

Since our thoughts and emotions transmit outwardly via our heart’s electromagnetic field, you can have a powerful positive (or negative) affect on your daughter without saying a word or even being aware of it, even when you’re a distance away.

In addition to affecting the emotional climate within and around us, heart brain science has proven that when we focus on strong positive emotions, like love, this has powerfully positive effects on:

·    emotional balance
·    synchronization of multiple systems within the body
·    increased parasympathetic activity (calming response)
·    harmonious functioning
·    physical health and vitality.

Both you and your daughter can experience the powerful positive affects that accumulate over time by learning to harness the power of positive emotion being sent throughout the body via its electromagnetic field. 

A great way to address the connection between your physical heart and emotional health is through a simple focus and breathing exercise designed to increase what scientists call our “heart’s coherence.” When you engage in this exercise in as little as five minutes a day, the heart rhythm reaches a coherence state which is ideal for experiencing physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. 

Try practicing these three easy steps to maximize the powerful benefits:

1. Heart focus: guide your attention to your heart.
2. Heart breathing: focus on your breath and imagine breathing in and out of your heart.
3. Heart feeling (This one is the most important!): while breathing, focus on something that evokes a positive emotion to re-experience it in the current moment. This involves focusing on or recalling a time when you felt a positive emotion like the feeling of loving someone or something, or the experience of feeling loved by someone else. The goal is to re-experience love in the current moment. This, combined with heart focus and heart breathing, can greatly improve your overall mental health and physical well-being.

This exercise will not only help you improve your own well-being, but when it is combined with the awareness that your state can positively affect others, you can begin to have an amazing and powerful affect on those around you. 

Dads, your heart is your most powerful weapon. And when a father is connected with his heart, it influences everything he does. Let your daughter feel your love for her today as your heart brain leads the way…even from twelve feet away!

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If you’d like to listen to Dr. Margaret talk more about this concept, you can listen to her interview with Dr. Michelle on The Dad Whisperer.

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Dr. Margaret Nagib is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Wheaton, IL and specializes in spirituality, inner healing and treating eating disorders, trauma, addiction, self-injury and mood disorders. For over 20 years, she has provided individual, family and group therapy.

She is the author of Souls Like Stars: Renew Your Mind, Heal Your Heart, Unveil Your Shine, Sozo for Professional Counselors: Integrating Psychology and Inner Healing to Restore Individuals to Wholeness and Soul Making: A 12 week Group-Based Sozo Experience.

What Your Daughter Really Longs For

Hi friends... I'm excited to repost this blog from earlier this year because many of you wrote and let me know this one struck a chord with you. I trust you'll enjoy it again and let's see if it's better the second time around!
–-Michelle

I wish you could sit in my counseling office, even for part of a day, because you’d hear what I consistently hear from teenage girls and 20-something women.

You’d hear how often they doubt themselves, how often they fear a future without a boyfriend to love them back, how often they don’t know how to express what’s really going on inside so tears flow freely without words. You’d hear how often they can’t get their feet on the ground when their primary relationships are in turmoil, how often they feel they don’t matter because they haven’t yet figured out their purpose, and how often they wonder where God is at in the mix of the confusion and conflict, disappointments and delays, heartbreak and hopelessness.

And if you were there with me, the two of us would actually realize that we were standing on sacred ground. For whenever someone invites us into their deepest, most vulnerable place--that place that is raw and real, where it’s messy and complicated--we actually receive a gift. To be trusted at that level is an honor of unparalleled proportion.

Dad, do you know how privileged you are when your daughter lets you know her at that depth? I guarantee that she wants to be known by you and it’s up to you to create an atmosphere of acceptance where she feels safe enough to reveal her heart to you.

It’s in the context of that personal relationship that you will pour into your daughter’s heart from the overflow in yours. And just in case she doesn’t quite have the words to tell you what she needs, I’ll do my best to say it for her.

• She longs for you to notice her.

• She longs for you to listen to her.

• She longs for you to affirm her.

• She longs to know that you believe she is worthy.

• She longs for you to never give up on her.

• She longs for you to be patient with her (especially when you’re struggling the most to do so).

• She longs for you to keep your promises.

• She longs for you to comfort her with your steady, solid, strong, masculine presence.

• She longs for you to validate her (even when she doesn’t make sense to you).

• She longs for you to love her where she’s at, flaws and all.

• She longs for you to tell her what you see when you look at her.

• She longs for you to express why you love her.

• She longs to hear that she’s beautiful in your eyes.

• She longs for you to choose her even when everything else calls for your attention.

• She longs for you to pursue her even when she pushes you away for a season.

• She longs for you to give of yourself and your resources (which tangibly tells her she’s valuable).

• She longs for you to humbly admit when you’ve blown it and ask for forgiveness.

• She longs for you to be present and involved because it says that her life matters to you.

The more you care about her longings, the more she will connect with them herself.

And the more she connects with her longings, the more she will thrive while saying, “all my longings lie open before you, O Lord.” (Psalm 18:24).

What Men Think About #MeToo : The Top 6 Reactions

My brilliant and wise friend, Shaunti Feldhahn, lends her voice to this ongoing conversation about sexual harassment against women. As a social researcher, she sheds light on what men have to say about the #MeToo movement. I believe you’re going to resonate with her findings and love her work as much as I do!   —Michelle

Suddenly, the lights turned on. Sexual harassment has always been there, in the shadowy corners of Hollywood and corporate America. Many people talk about honoring women yet have long excused (or winked at) abusive behavior.  But the Harvey Weinstein case flipped a switch. Suddenly: klieg lights. Suddenly: people are actually losing their jobs.

Wow.  

This is a sea change for our culture. This is a moment. And as a social researcher (who for 15 years has been hearing the innermost things people think but rarely say) I wanted to know what folks’ private thoughts were about this. I generally know what women think (a combination of relief, giddiness, and serves you right). But I was particularly curious what men think about the #MeToo tsunami.

Here’s what I found.

Thought #1: I had no idea
I interviewed three men in an airport a few days ago. They were tired after a long day at a board meeting and eating a hasty Chinese food dinner before catching flights home to Seattle, Dallas, and Atlanta.  Their top reaction matches the top reaction of nearly every other man I’ve interviewed: I had no idea.  I had no idea it was this pervasive.  I had no idea you as women had to deal with this so consistently.  I feel so bad.

Not long after the #MeToo movement started, one man told me, “I think my female co-workers have tried to tell me about stuff that happened in other jobs, but I just assumed it was isolated. Sort of the same thing you’d feel if someone told you they got hit by a car. ‘Oh that must have been so painful. Glad that doesn’t happen very often!’”  

As one of the airport road warriors put it, “I’m still trying to figure out how to wrap my head around the fact that there’s been this whole parallel reality that I knew nothing about.”

Thought #2: So now I’m angry — and I’m glad I have permission to say something about it
One thing I learned about men during the For Women Only research study, is that most men have a deep compulsion to provide for and protect those they care about. While most of that compulsion goes toward providing for and protecting their family (71% of men say it that is always or often on their mind, in case you’re curious), that same instinct wants to protect all those who are more vulnerable.  Which is what makes this doubly galling for all the good guys out there.  Women were being hurt right under their noses: and because they had no idea (or didn’t realize what a big deal it was), they failed to protect them.

Many of the men I spoke to were angry. Not in a “I’m going to go all Braveheart on you” sort of way, but in a quieter, simmering, “I’m now going to be on the lookout for this” sort of way. There was a sense of purpose: that if they saw it now, at least they could do something about it.

Thought #3: Shame
A lot of men have realized they’ve seen truly abusive behavior right in front of their eyes and downplayed or discounted it as no big deal. Like seeing one gregarious, raunchy boss who regularly did things like look at a news article about safe sex and joke to the gang – including the one woman – that having safe sex meant providing kneepads. Seeing… and never saying anything about it.

These men are now reckoning with the reality that what they personally observed (or heard about) was not just a coarse, unprofessional approach but in some cases true abuse. That over time those behaviors have real consequences for a woman’s thoughts, fears, worries, and even job prospects. That by downplaying it they failed to protect women who needed it (per Thought #2). 

Many of these men are doing some soul searching. How could I ever have thought that it was not that big of a deal?  They ask themselves. How could I have ever thought the woman should have to be the one to just ignore it or brush it off? Would I want some guy saying that stuff around my daughter? Would I want my wife to have to play along in order to not rock the boat? Would I want my daughter’s colleagues to excuse it just because its always been that way?

Famed director Quentin Tarantino, who worked with Harvey Weinstein on nearly all his films, had a telling mea culpa in a New York Times interview.  He said he had heard the rumors that Weinstein was a bit lecherous, but “I chalked it up to a ’50s-’60s era image of a boss chasing a secretary around the desk… As if that’s O.K. That’s the egg on my face right now.”

Thought #4: Who’s next? I’ll bet there are some men quaking in their boots right now. 
The question that many of us are asking — “Who’s next? Which domino will be the next to fall?” — is definitely in the minds of the average guy. And just like with women I talk to, I hear a savage satisfaction from men in knowing there are some abusers out there who are going to their jobs every day, wondering whether or when they will be reported for previous actions. 

One guy put it well. “It’s the same thing that you feel when the bad guy gets it at the end of the movie. If I was working in a corporate environment, and I had a skeleton in my past, I’d be living with a lot of looking over my shoulder.” After all, the first punishment of the guilty mind is waiting to be found out. 

Thought #5: But this means I have to restrain genuine affection for, respect for, and togetherness with female colleagues
There’s an inevitable downside to any good movement, and this is it for this one.  Nearly all the men mentioned this concern.  A single law partner who is genuinely interested in exploring a personal relationship with a junior associate is going to hold himself back.

She might be sensing some attraction and hoping he’ll reach out, but if she’s junior, she sure won’t say anything – and now he might not either.  An honorable man who would otherwise suggest that a female colleague join him to close the Boston deal is going to think twice.  After all, it will only be the two of them in the hotel.  And forget those genuine but platonic workplace hugs.  

As one guy ruefully put it, “It’s the law of unintended consequences.  The course correction needs to happen, but I worry that the men who care the most – who already were being careful – are the ones likely to hold themselves back even more!  And that could drain away the feeling of camaraderie at work.  I hope the pendulum doesn’t swing too far.”

Thought #6: Finally, the good guys win… or at least aren’t losing
And finally, I’m also hearing an interesting, very private thought from many of these men. If they have not played it fast and loose over the years, if they have tried to be honorable, if they have been respectful of women … they have often watched men who did the opposite rocket past them in their careers.  So as one man put it, “I am all for this moment in history.  I think it is grand. Because it feels like, for once, the good guys aren’t losing. So many of the bad guys got ahead by disregarding the right thing in a lot of ways.  By trying to be straight up, a lot of good men got sidelined.  But now, finally, there’s a cost to the wrong attitude.”

Another had a more personal observation, “I hope you can share that there are a lot of men who try to honor our wives, and women in general. We take that seriously. We may not be getting recognition for that.  We may have done poorly in comparison to other guys because we wouldn’t join the locker-room crowd. But that’s okay. I love that I can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience.”

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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, and For Men Only). Copyright ©Shaunti Feldhahn. Used with permission.

Don't Be Sorry (Guest blog by Taylor Smith)

Taylor Smith is a dear friend and I have invited her back today to write another guest blog. Her story today is guaranteed to touch your heart and I’d love to hear from you after reading her powerful words where we’re all reminded to live each day as if it were our last.     — Michelle

It was not the kind of question I was expecting as we sat there, hands sticky with drips of ice cream running down our fingers.

It was not the kind of question I’d ever asked myself,

or had someone else ask me,

let alone a 14-year-old.

It was not the kind of question I wanted to think about,

or even acknowledge,

and yet, here I was,

face-to-face with a young teenage girl, being asked a question about a reality we will all one day face.

“What would you do if you knew it was your last day on earth?”

I closed my eyes.

‘What would I do if I knew it was my last day on earth?’

I wanted to answer right away with something that would be all-encompassing of my values,

something that would be richly and epically proportioned,

something that would be wise and an example to her and her two younger sisters sitting right next to her,

but,

my mouth was like a desert.

I had nothing.

She took another bite of fudge brownie ice cream and said,

“I know what I’d do.”

I leaned in. I was curious. Something absolutely childlike and fanciful was soon to follow, I was sure.

But it wasn’t.

“I would ask for forgiveness,” she said. “I would go around and ask others for forgiveness.”

I set down my cup of melting ice cream.

This was no 14-year-old answer I’d ever heard of.

No eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

No meeting her favorite movie star crush.

No taking all her friends and family to Disneyland.

No. This answer was nothing childish.

“Have you ever asked for forgiveness before?” I questioned.

“Yes,” she said, taking another bite of ice cream.

“Was it easy for you?”

She put down her ice cream, too.

“No,” she said. “It’s difficult, and scary, but it’s what we’re called to do.”

Suddenly, I realized that any answer I would have given would have been a bit trivial, in comparison. Because -to be honest- my answer would have been more self-focused, more about satisfying my emotions and last-moment desires.

Her answer, “forgiveness,” was anything but selfish.

It was everything selfless, humble and sacrificial.

I owe a great deal to my honorary sister, Dative, for the question she asked me, and for the answer she gave,

for it has confronted me with something that makes most people start to squirm:

asking for forgiveness.

The reality is, because we’re human, we are hurting people all the time.

Most of the time we don’t even know it,

though sometimes we do,

and guilt may begin to rise up within us, compelling us to act.

In response to that guilt, we often say, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry” – if we were to give that phrase currency, how much value would you attach to it?

I can say I’m sorry like it’s my job.

Bump into you in the grocery store aisle, “Oops! I’m sorry!”

Accidentally spill a bit of coffee on your papers, “Oh my word. I’m so sorry!”

"I'm sorry" is worth pennies to me, passing through my hands before I even know they're gone.

Speak a little too loud at the meeting, “I am soooo sorry.”

“I’m sorry” is worth pennies to me, passing through my hands before I even know they’re gone.

But asking, “Will you forgive me?”

That weighs a whole lot more.

 It’s not a question I dole out very often,

because it comes at a great cost: my vulnerability.

“I’m sorry” is a one-way street statement. It’s a band-aid quickly patched and left to hope the wound might heal, eventually.

“Will you forgive me?” requires a dialogue. It’s the burning antiseptic, tweezers pulling gravel out of flesh, inviting the healing process to begin.

Forgiveness necessitates empathy, humility and courage.

When answering her own question, “What would you do if you knew it was your last day on earth?,” Dative didn’t say she would go around telling people “I’m sorry.” There’s a difference between saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness.

‘Don’t be sorry,’ Dative’s words seemed to tell me. ‘Be vulnerable.’

How did Dative, a 14-year-old, arrive at the conclusion that the final 24-hours of her life she would spend doing one of the most vulnerable things you could do?

If I were to venture a guess, I believe it’s what has been modeled to her from the place where she grew up, a place that has shown her how true healing, restoration and reconciliation comes from radical forgiveness – a country called Rwanda.

It has only been 23 years since the Rwandan Genocide, when nearly 1 million people were killed in 100 days. And yet, if you were to visit Rwanda today, I’d be hard pressed if you didn’t come away with the word “peace” on the forefront of your mind.

Why?

Forgiveness heals seemingly fatal wounds.

 Dative knows this.

She’s lived it.

And if she knew it was the last day of her life,

she would do the costliest thing she could think of,

because she knows it yields a priceless reward:

healing, peace, freedom.

I bet most of us could share a personal story of forgiveness.

And upon further reflection, I bet we could all think of someone whom we’ve hurt, or wronged, and know that deep down, it’s probably the right thing to ask them for forgiveness – but probably not today, or tomorrow, or ever?

Dative’s question gives us an opportunity most people will never get – to plan how we would spend the last day of our life. For, how many of us will know when it’s our last day? Or when it’s our friend’s or brother’s or mother’s last day?

I have never been more caught off guard than when my dad passed away from a heart attack in 2008. When I think about the last 24-hours of his life, while I didn’t have the opportunity to say goodbye, I did have the opportunity to practice forgiveness.

During the four years after my mom died, my dad did some amazing things with me and for me, but he also did things that left me hurt and wounded. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was burning up waiting for my dad to come ask me for forgiveness. However, I realized that during those four years, I undoubtedly did things that hurt him, too, and how I had an equal opportunity to come to him and ask for forgiveness.

So I did. I went up to my dad and said something to the effect of, “Dad, if I’ve ever done anything that made you think I love you any less, or that I didn’t desire your happiness, would you forgive me? Our relationship means far more to me than who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’”

How on earth my dad and I had that conversation in his last 24 hours, I have no idea. But God knew. And believe me, I haven’t forgotten it.

I don’t know when my last day on earth will be, and truth be told, neither do you.

In what I believe was a divinely-appointed conversation in an ice cream shop with my honorary little sister, Dative, I’ve been reminded that I have a choice to live each day as if it were my last – to not go to sleep at night with bitterness or guilt on my heart, should I not wake up and have the opportunity to ask one of the most meaningful, powerful and radical questions I could think to ask, “Will you forgive me?”

If I can be so bold,

don’t be sorry.

Be vulnerable.

Be humble.

Seek forgiveness.

Give forgiveness.

For you have been forgiven.