My Response for Dads on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
Dear Desperate Dad...
I’m glad you reached out and are open to hearing some of my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge that you’ll be weighing my input with your own conscience as you choose your next steps with your daughter.
First, I love that you want to connect with your daughter to talk about her same-sex relationship. Yet, truth be told, since she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions and likely won’t listen to you because you hold a position different than hers.
Your primary goal must be to connect with her heart. This begins with being a great listener more than being a great talker. Ask questions that invite her to share what’s going on in her life rather than forcing her to hear your thoughts and opinions.
Second, when you do talk to her about this weighty subject, there needs to be a solid relational foundation under it first. So, let me ask: Are you regularly connecting with her to talk about lighter, broader topics? So, it can hold this heavier, more intense topic? If not, start there.
Next question: How close would you say the two of you are on a scale of zero to ten (with ten being the closest)? If your number is five or below, I would suggest waiting to talk with her about her relationship. Hold off until you’ve connected with her about other areas of her life that have less potential for misunderstanding, hurt, hostility, arguments, etc.
Third, as much as we believe that the Bible is clear in stating:
That God has created us as His male and female image bearers (Genesis 1:26)
Where a man is directed to leave his father and mother to be united to his wife as one flesh (Genesis 2:24)
No longer two but one, with no one separating what God has joined together (Matthew 19:4-6)
The reality is that not everyone interprets the Bible the same way.
Of course, we can use the Bible to speak into the lives of those we love. But when all is said and done, each of us has a free will where we choose to respond to God’s Word individually. With your daughter being a grown adult, she has to choose for herself which path to take.
The more poignant question then becomes: How will you love her even when she makes choices other than what you would prefer or choose for her?
Wise Words from a Seasoned Saint
I remember listening to the 20/20 interview between Hugh Downs and Billy Graham back in 2003. It was (and still is) one of the most powerful and gracious perspectives on the topic of same-sex attraction I’ve ever heard.
Here is the actual transcript of their conversation:
Hugh: I’d like to get your opinion also about homosexuality. What do you feel about that?
Billy: Yes, well I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin...but, the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and...hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. And so, I don’t think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today.
Hugh: If one of your children had been gay, would you have ceased to love that child?
Billy: No. I would not. I would love him even more maybe!
Come Humbly to Your Daughter
Here’s how I closed my letter to “Desperate Dad”:
That said, I would advise you to come humbly to this conversation with your daughter.
Be fully aware that you are neither her judge nor jury.
Ask her questions about how she experienced her pre-teen years when you weren’t there for her.
Make amends and ask forgiveness while being aware that you too are a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.
Remind yourself that her choices are no worse than those you’ve made.
You can share your fears or concerns at some point, but make sure they are first covered with prayer, grace, love, gentleness, and “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).
If she feels your judgment, she will distance herself from you rather than experiencing the love of a father who champions his daughter.
I pray your daughter will always know that you unconditionally love her as she rests in knowing that the door to your home and your heart is always open to her.
Sincerely, Dr. Michelle
Responding to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity
Dad, I acknowledge that this level of deep dialogue can easily be riddled with emotional landmines. Yet there’s no better way to expand your comfort zone than to pursue your daughter’s heart.
I’m inspired by Mark Yarhouse and Julie Sadsusky in their groundbreaking book, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth.