10 SURPRISING Contributions Dads Make to Their Daughter’s Lives

On this Father’s Day weekend, I can think of no better way to celebrate YOU as a #girldad than to highlight ten of the most significant, perhaps even surprising, contributions that dads make to their daughter’s lives. 

These are ten specific ways your presence matters. 

Whether you’re in a season where you’re closer than ever to your daughter or there’s distance between you, these ten realities underscore that fathers are very important to the health and well-being of their daughters. And though you may not always hear positive words about how important and valuable you are as a dad, today I’m gifting you with words of affirmation!

As you read each of these items, I trust they will inspire you to be even more intentional because the truth is that your daughter will thrive with your positive, life-breathing encouragement in every season. So here we go! 

The overriding themes in research strongly support that daughters who feel connected to their fathers:

1. Do better in school, get better grades, and are more likely to finish high school and attend college.
If your daughter knows you’re in her corner while she’s learning, letting her know you believe in her by giving her grace to fail forward without belittling her when she fails, then cheering her on as she gets back up, she will keep going. Yes, there are always meltdowns along the way, but your consistent support will go far in helping her to achieve her academic goals.

2. Experience greater self-esteem.
You can visibly tell when a girl or woman is internally confident, and she will stand out among her peers. You can see it in the way she carries herself and communicates, negotiates, and interacts. And much of the time these women have solid relationships with their fathers. It’s true that when a dad confirms and affirms his daughter’s worth and value, she will expect nothing less from others…and herself.

3. Are more likely to find steady employment.
This one compliments the last. When a daughter is empowered by the confidence her dad has in her, she carries that inner strength with her wherever she goes. This translates to the workplace, including her work ethic and ability to hold a job with internalized grit and core strength.

4. Report less depression.
If you want your daughter to demonstrate emotional equilibrium, be mindful that you play a big part in helping her grow this skill set. When she sinks emotionally, remember that she needs kindness, understanding, and patience from you through her processing phase. She will grow to appreciate your steady presence until these resources become internalized as her own.

5. Have lower rates of substance use.
Though it can be within normal limits for kids to experiment and push boundaries, I believe when drugs and alcohol are used to numb emotions, decrease anxiety, lower stress, bridge gaps in interpersonal relating and communicating, etc., this becomes a problem. In other words, when substances create “false courage,” for example, and serve as a substitute for developing life skills, healthy development halts. Yet when a dad is there in real time and helps his daughter to process feelings, validates her emotions, calms her anxiety, decreases her stress, and provides true support, there is less draw to inanimate objects to do that work for her.

6. Have less body dissatisfaction and healthier weight.
As much as women may try to be their own cheerleaders, as a whole we tend to look elsewhere for validation and encouragement, especially when it comes to weight and body image. This underscores why a dad plays a significant role in supporting his daughter to see herself in a positive light.

Dad, make sure to never criticize or tease her for her weight, pant size, breast size, etc., even if you think you’re just being funny. Find ways to highlight her positive qualities, such as her eyes, style of dress, hairstyle, character, personality, and on it goes. Your affirmation will stay with her and hopefully be internalized so she can see herself through your eyes.

7. Delay their sexual debut.
Yes, you read this right. Your bond with your daughter is one, if not THE BEST defensive strategy against “oncoming traffic,” if you know what I mean! Simply stated, the more emotionally and relationally connected your daughter feels to you, the less she will be looking for love in all the wrong places, resulting in her decision to delay premarital sex (thus resulting in decreases in teen pregnancy). How’s that for a win-win?!

8. Have healthier relationships with men.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. As you set the foundation in your daughter’s life to relate to you by experiencing secure attachment, she will feel free to use her voice and express herself while enjoying doing life with you. She will then transfer those relational skills to her interactions with the opposite sex.

9. Have significantly less suicide attempts.
When someone knows their life has value, such that those around them wouldn’t know how to go on if they weren’t around, that person often will stay alive for someone else, even when their personal distress seems unbearable at times. Stated otherwise, agape love is true, self-sacrificial, self-giving love, and it lasts the test of time. When real love like this is infused into the soul of another, they will believe their life matters. And when the person validating them is the one who brought them into the world (a.k.a. you), it puts an extra layer of protective coating around their heart and life.

10. Display greater empathy and pro-social behavior compared to kids with uninvolved fathers. More specifically, when a dad is involved in his daughter’s life, she has more of her best self to share with the world and she will be 80% less likely to spend time in jail. Once again, research doesn’t always get to the heart behind the data, but the numbers speak for themselves in revealing that a dad’s involvement and attentiveness to his daughter’s life becomes integrated into the core of her identity, and she will give out of the overflow of that consistent deposit. 

So there you have it: Ten solid, perhaps even SURPRISING factors that show why you as a dad have value to your daughter, even if she’s not aware of it all.

I trust you’re inspired to renew your vision, passion, and commitment to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter.

I wish you the best Father’s Day ever as this is a day to honor you and celebrate your role as a dad.

Go Dad!

How To Survive Father's Day When You Hate The Day

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I hate Father’s Day"?

If you’re taking the time to read this blog, you’re probably one of many who’ll be holding their breath this weekend as you wish there was no such thing as a holiday that honors, highlights, and heralds fathers.

For you, that actually might be putting it way too mildly.

Your story might be one where you hate Father’s Day because you feel a heavy weight of emotions (that you may or may not be in touch with, but they’re under the surface, nonetheless) as you experience the intense nuances of this day.

Now you might be wondering why I’ve taken a turn from my usual stance of empowering and equipping dads in order to write from this vantage point. It’s because this is the side of fathering where real pain lives and this is the real place where your story needs to be acknowledged. At least to yourself.

The reason I’m writing to those of you who dread Father’s Day is because I love dads. At first glance that might not make sense. So let me be more specific.

I love healed and whole dads.
I love dads who are imperfect and admit it without hiding, excusing, shaming or blaming.
I love dads who are humble and willing to disclose weakness.
I love dads who are vulnerable, who say they’re sorry, and make amends.
I love dads who intentionally express love every day to their daughters and sons.
And I love dads who count it a privilege and a responsibility to help build a bridge to God as Father for their kids.

The bottom line is that I want to see fathers step up and take action by doing their own work. If not for themselves, at least for the sake of their daughters and sons.

All of this goes along with the fact that as a licensed professional counselor, I’ve devoted the last 30-plus years to walking alongside brave individuals who admit they have pain and then ask for help. I long for the day when healing and wholeness become top priorities for everyone, especially fathers. This translates to men being courageous enough to look within, to address their inner world, and to honestly face the impact all of it has on their relationships.

I’m writing today with great empathy for those of you who didn’t have a father who was willing or able to do those things. Thus, by default, you'd rather ignore this day as it serves as an annual reminder that your dad didn’t do his healing work and inflicted his woundedness onto you.

Sadly, I believe a large sector of our society has denied the impact of their childhood experiences on their current ways of living. Many have even chosen to live a duplicitous life and dissociated from their pain. Consequently, they’ve normalized their ways of responding and interacting, and have adjusted their decisions, choices and relationships accordingly. Because they’ve carried their emotional and relational pain into adulthood, they often end up transferring their unhealed wounds onto their kids and those around them.

On this Father’s Day if you feel triggered, overwhelmed, flooded, angered, saddened, and/or confused because your dad abandoned you, abused, neglected, rejected or harmed you in some way, I want you to know that I’m very sorry you’ve been hurt. And I implore you to hold to this truth: this is your dad’s stuff and not yours, even though he projected it onto you and now you’re left to deal with the impact.

I also want you to know that healing is possible. But you have to be willing to do the hard work.

If you’re ready to begin moving towards healing, I offer this four-step strategy if Father’s Day is one of the worst days of your year.

1. FEEL IT.
I love the adage, “what you don’t feel, can’t heal.” Start by acknowledging your real emotions about your dad (whether he’s deceased or alive, because we all know that a father’s imprint stays alive inside us forever). The flip side is that if you try and ignore your uncomfortable or negative feelings, you’ll most likely discover that your responses will come out another portal, such as overreacting, overcompensation, or overindulgence in other areas.

2. WRITE IT.
This is a common practice I use with my counseling clients that allows for honest, raw expression of what is inside. Let your pen on paper or fingers on keyboard flow freely as you tell your dad what you’ve never been able to say before----about your sadness, anger, fear or confusion. Try not to allow your internal critic to filter or qualify your words. You want to write as if you’re not giving the letter to him because the benefit to you is just getting it out.

3. TELL IT.
Now it’s time to share your story with a trusted friend or confidant. There is power in having a safe witness to your pain. More times than not, I’ve seen that it’s easier for all of us to minimize, normalize, and discount the profound impact that our family of origin is having on our current responses and functioning. Therein lies the significance of telling our stories to another person who can listen and validate while providing an outside perspective.

I realize this takes a big dose of courage to “share family secrets” or “air dirty laundry” outside of your family system. But I’ve seen the personal benefit to those who do this as they open the vault and vent to a confidential source. Reach out to someone and set up a time to talk before you change your mind.

4. RELEASE IT.
This is the most challenging step in our journey to healing. Of course it’s easier said than done to let go of father wounds (what your dad did do) or father voids (what he didn’t do), which is why I’ve placed this one last.

This step is about letting go of the hurts or any vengeance you hold against your dad. This is another way of saying that you’re willing to move towards forgiveness. I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation on forgiveness and spent over a year basking in the research on this subject. What I learned and found helpful is that:

• forgiveness is a process, not a single event.

• forgiveness isn’t tolerating inexcusable behavior

• forgiveness isn’t forgetting or justifying events or actions.

• forgiveness doesn’t mean there has to be reconciliation.

• forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself as you choose to stop rehearsing the hurt and release the grudge.

I believe that forgiveness often doesn’t hold long term because there hasn’t first been a thorough understanding of the depth of the injuries nor an evaluation of the ways those injuries have taken shape throughout our lifespan. It’s important to assess and honor our internal injuries in the same way a medical doctor assesses, diagnoses, and treats physical injuries.

This is why steps 1-3 above are vital to the process of dealing with father issues before the forgiveness process begins. Then you’ll be ready to start releasing the pain through feeling your feelings, writing a letter to your dad, sharing your story, and then handing everything over to God who says “vengeance is mine, I will repay” (Romans 12:19).

This is how you will make great strides toward healing so that you can be free. Your load will be lighter and you won’t have to carry it alone.

My hope is that by doing these four steps, you’ll not just survive Father’s Day this year, but that you’ll thrive today and in the days ahead.