Optimize Your Fathering Health (With This Checklist)

Let’s be honest. None of us likes it when someone else tells us what to do. 

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

So here’s my spin on your “annual review” as a #girldad. You have an opportunity to optimize your fathering health by evaluating yourself.

No lectures. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the “hood of your car” and checking the wiring in order ensure peak workability. 

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to be honest, even asking for input to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. 

Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and if defined, provide a road map to pursue the hearts of their daughters (and sons). 

That’s where this self-assessment fathering checklist that I’m providing you today will serve as a proactive tool for your fathering toolbox. It supports your personal growth as a dad because it will help you clarify your vision. 

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time. 

After you take “The Dialed-In Dad Checklist” and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter. 

Here’s Your Game Plan---should you dare to accept it:

1. Challenge yourself to choose two new ways to connect with your daughter this week by using the lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist. 

2. For extra credit, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement! 

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

Dad, Let's Revisit the Anger Thing

Dad, you know I’m your ally.

I want to see you ‘hit it out of the ballpark’ as a dad to your daughter. I stand in alliance with you in acknowledging that your influence is powerful as you raise and release your healthy, empowered daughter into the world.

This means that anything that stands in the way of achieving that goal has to be addressed. 

There has to be change if anything---or anyone---is standing in the way of this happening. If that someone is you who is causing your daughter harm, then I encourage you to be honest so that course correction can take place. If you, as her father and primary influencer, are responding and behaving in ways that are counterproductive to seeing your daughter thrive, it’s time to address it, wouldn’t you agree?

Based on what I’m hearing, I want to revisit the topic of anger. 

I’ve addressed the destructive impact that a dad’s anger has on his daughter’s health and well-being. And based on over four decades of interacting and mentoring girls and young women, I will say it again: 

Anger is where so many girls and women carry the most hurt from their dads.

Stated otherwise, my goal is to help you understand what your daughter really wants from you, and I am seeking to lead you to look underneath your anger so you can uproot it.

Listen to the words of two young daughters who shared their true thoughts with me:

“I make my dad angry. Just the act of me breathing makes him angry. I’m the source of his anger and he has mentioned that I am on a few occasions. When my father gets frustrated with me I really let him have it---the cold shoulder, that is.”

“I’m sick of my dads moods and blow-ups. He corrupts peace in our home.
I want the dad back that used to hold me on his lap and make me feel balanced and stable.
Now I never know what I’m going to get from him. 
I can’t decide if I’m done with him…or not…because at the end of the day I love him.”

If those words aren’t touching your heart deeply, I invite you to read them again.

And though I talk more about this topic in my first book, “Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart" in the chapter, “Getting Under the Anger,” here’s a short overview if you want to address what is happening underneath your anger responses:

Psychologists have often said there are five primary emotions: happy, sad, angry, scared, and confused. I add that oftentimes the presenting emotion (a.k.a. anger) is NOT the primary driving emotion. Instead, anger often becomes the funnel through which other emotions are released.

This means that when you respond in anger, it’s worthwhile to ask yourself: What sad is under my mad?

• You might be sad that the little girl who used to run and jump into your arms is nowhere to be found

• You might be sad that your daughter is disrespecting you---or someone in your household

• You might be sad that there is disunity in your home and you can’t seem to get things under control

If you can tap into your sadness without dismissing it, I promise that your anger will begin to dissipate. You will balance out your mad feelings by connecting to your underlying sad feelings. 

As a result, you may cry or feel tight in your chest. You may need to punch a bag or go for a run to release your emotional intensity that’s surging through your body. Those are all good and healthy releases because you’re allowing your authentic emotion to lead the way.

And because your responses teach your daughter how to react to life’s challenges and conflicts, fears and failures, messes and mistakes, it’s vital that you find a way to temper your anger if you want her to do the same. 

This, in essence, means you have to work very hard at not reacting to her reaction. You have to respond first in the way you want to see her respond.

Give yourself time to calm down first. Then come back and talk things out or give discipline.

After all, God had a reason for saying, “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”
(Ephesians 6:4 MSG).

Your soft response is the quickest way to diffuse her fire. 

Your harsh response is the quickest way to pour fuel on her fire. 

If you’re ready to begin taking responsibility for your anger without excusing or blaming your daughter or circumstances, here’s my five-fold suggestion for proactive movement through the intensity of anger:

1. Calmly remove yourself from the stressful situation. (Do this in a non-abrupt, non-explosive way so that those around you aren’t traumatized by your intensity as you get to a place where you have space to de-escalate).

2. Breathe deeply while looking around at your surroundings. (Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, and end with 1 thing you are grateful for).

3. Give yourself a ‘time out’ as many minutes as your age. (If you’re 50, for example, you need to give yourself 50 minutes to calm your brain when it’s on fire---and if you can walk around, that will help even more because you’re activating the right and left hemispheres of your body in order to reduce and titrate the intensity you feel inside).

4. Pray. (If you’re in a place to speak out loud, it will help your spirit lead as you hear yourself talk to Jesus. Invite God’s presence and power to give you perspective as you vent to your Heavenly Father who promises to give wisdom if we ask for it—James 1:5).

5. Make amends while listening more than talking. (Go back to your daughter and ask how your response hurt her, then tell her you’re sorry without explanations or defensiveness, finishing with asking her to forgive you. Then honor her need for space to recover and rebuild trust).

I look forward to hearing stories from those of you who are ready to grow in new ways this year where you learn to listen to your anger while not letting it lead and take control.

How To Survive Father's Day When You Hate The Day

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I hate Father’s Day"?

If you’re taking the time to read this blog, you’re probably one of many who’ll be holding their breath this weekend as you wish there was no such thing as a holiday that honors, highlights, and heralds fathers.

For you, that actually might be putting it way too mildly.

Your story might be one where you hate Father’s Day because you feel a heavy weight of emotions (that you may or may not be in touch with, but they’re under the surface, nonetheless) as you experience the intense nuances of this day.

Now you might be wondering why I’ve taken a turn from my usual stance of empowering and equipping dads in order to write from this vantage point. It’s because this is the side of fathering where real pain lives and this is the real place where your story needs to be acknowledged. At least to yourself.

The reason I’m writing to those of you who dread Father’s Day is because I love dads. At first glance that might not make sense. So let me be more specific.

I love healed and whole dads.
I love dads who are imperfect and admit it without hiding, excusing, shaming or blaming.
I love dads who are humble and willing to disclose weakness.
I love dads who are vulnerable, who say they’re sorry, and make amends.
I love dads who intentionally express love every day to their daughters and sons.
And I love dads who count it a privilege and a responsibility to help build a bridge to God as Father for their kids.

The bottom line is that I want to see fathers step up and take action by doing their own work. If not for themselves, at least for the sake of their daughters and sons.

All of this goes along with the fact that as a licensed professional counselor, I’ve devoted the last 30-plus years to walking alongside brave individuals who admit they have pain and then ask for help. I long for the day when healing and wholeness become top priorities for everyone, especially fathers. This translates to men being courageous enough to look within, to address their inner world, and to honestly face the impact all of it has on their relationships.

I’m writing today with great empathy for those of you who didn’t have a father who was willing or able to do those things. Thus, by default, you'd rather ignore this day as it serves as an annual reminder that your dad didn’t do his healing work and inflicted his woundedness onto you.

Sadly, I believe a large sector of our society has denied the impact of their childhood experiences on their current ways of living. Many have even chosen to live a duplicitous life and dissociated from their pain. Consequently, they’ve normalized their ways of responding and interacting, and have adjusted their decisions, choices and relationships accordingly. Because they’ve carried their emotional and relational pain into adulthood, they often end up transferring their unhealed wounds onto their kids and those around them.

On this Father’s Day if you feel triggered, overwhelmed, flooded, angered, saddened, and/or confused because your dad abandoned you, abused, neglected, rejected or harmed you in some way, I want you to know that I’m very sorry you’ve been hurt. And I implore you to hold to this truth: this is your dad’s stuff and not yours, even though he projected it onto you and now you’re left to deal with the impact.

I also want you to know that healing is possible. But you have to be willing to do the hard work.

If you’re ready to begin moving towards healing, I offer this four-step strategy if Father’s Day is one of the worst days of your year.

1. FEEL IT.
I love the adage, “what you don’t feel, can’t heal.” Start by acknowledging your real emotions about your dad (whether he’s deceased or alive, because we all know that a father’s imprint stays alive inside us forever). The flip side is that if you try and ignore your uncomfortable or negative feelings, you’ll most likely discover that your responses will come out another portal, such as overreacting, overcompensation, or overindulgence in other areas.

2. WRITE IT.
This is a common practice I use with my counseling clients that allows for honest, raw expression of what is inside. Let your pen on paper or fingers on keyboard flow freely as you tell your dad what you’ve never been able to say before----about your sadness, anger, fear or confusion. Try not to allow your internal critic to filter or qualify your words. You want to write as if you’re not giving the letter to him because the benefit to you is just getting it out.

3. TELL IT.
Now it’s time to share your story with a trusted friend or confidant. There is power in having a safe witness to your pain. More times than not, I’ve seen that it’s easier for all of us to minimize, normalize, and discount the profound impact that our family of origin is having on our current responses and functioning. Therein lies the significance of telling our stories to another person who can listen and validate while providing an outside perspective.

I realize this takes a big dose of courage to “share family secrets” or “air dirty laundry” outside of your family system. But I’ve seen the personal benefit to those who do this as they open the vault and vent to a confidential source. Reach out to someone and set up a time to talk before you change your mind.

4. RELEASE IT.
This is the most challenging step in our journey to healing. Of course it’s easier said than done to let go of father wounds (what your dad did do) or father voids (what he didn’t do), which is why I’ve placed this one last.

This step is about letting go of the hurts or any vengeance you hold against your dad. This is another way of saying that you’re willing to move towards forgiveness. I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation on forgiveness and spent over a year basking in the research on this subject. What I learned and found helpful is that:

• forgiveness is a process, not a single event.

• forgiveness isn’t tolerating inexcusable behavior

• forgiveness isn’t forgetting or justifying events or actions.

• forgiveness doesn’t mean there has to be reconciliation.

• forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself as you choose to stop rehearsing the hurt and release the grudge.

I believe that forgiveness often doesn’t hold long term because there hasn’t first been a thorough understanding of the depth of the injuries nor an evaluation of the ways those injuries have taken shape throughout our lifespan. It’s important to assess and honor our internal injuries in the same way a medical doctor assesses, diagnoses, and treats physical injuries.

This is why steps 1-3 above are vital to the process of dealing with father issues before the forgiveness process begins. Then you’ll be ready to start releasing the pain through feeling your feelings, writing a letter to your dad, sharing your story, and then handing everything over to God who says “vengeance is mine, I will repay” (Romans 12:19).

This is how you will make great strides toward healing so that you can be free. Your load will be lighter and you won’t have to carry it alone.

My hope is that by doing these four steps, you’ll not just survive Father’s Day this year, but that you’ll thrive today and in the days ahead.

What a Dad's Tears Tell His Daughter (Guest Blog By Randell Turner, Ph.D.)

[Today I have invited a fellow counselor and father mentor to share his thoughts on the power of a dad’s “allergies”—a.k.a. tears—in his daughter’s life. Being a dad of two daughters, I trust that his insights will positively impact the way you view tears.]

Like most men in America, I get uncomfortable when someone begins to cry. Be it one of my daughters, a close friend, or even watching someone cry in a movie or on television?

Why is it like that for most men?

For me, it had a lot to do with how I was raised—who my heroes and mentors were growing up. I learned early that the men I admired didn’t cry. After all, James Bond, Dirty Harry, or the Duke didn’t cry, and neither did any “real men,” like my father.

Nor did my sports role models, like Alan Page, Jack Lambert, Mean Joe Greene, and Mike Singletary. These legendary gridiron heroes of my generation were tough as nails. Every Sunday, I cheered each punishing tackle these men inflicted upon their opponents. All the while, it shaped my view of how a real man is supposed to act and feel: tough, powerful, in control, never showing weakness to anyone, no matter how much it hurts.

But life does hurt, sometimes profoundly.

Yet as little boys, we are taught not to shed tears early on. We heard frequent phrases like, “Get up! You’re not hurt; brush it off,” or “Big boys don’t cry,” or one of the most influential childhood quotes: “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

As a result, we grow up embracing the mantra, “NEVER let them see you cry!” And so we don’t.

As a matter of fact, as young men, especially during our teen years, we often take pride in not crying.

We’ve adopted the view that tears are feminine, a sign of weakness; therefore, they become very uncomfortable. Furthermore, the mentoring men in our lives tended to only express tears at funerals or on rare special occasions like at a daughter’s wedding. Therefore, tears were relegated to infrequent and often confusing emotional expressions.

Year after year, we have stuffed our true feelings into the deep self-made dungeons until only a national crisis will breach its guarded gate.

Unfortunately, we didn’t realize that “unshed tears become a stagnant pool that pollutes our soul.” As a result, now we know that stuffing our emotions has detrimental effects on relationships, especially with our wives and children.

Moreover, it keeps us from being honest with ourselves and others. We often mask our hurt and potential tears with anger because anger helps us keep a lid on our emotions, maintain “manly” control, and allow us to stifle any tear.

But it doesn’t have to and shouldn’t be that way.

Not that we need to become a bunch of blubbering basket cases, but we do need to be courageous enough to express our true feelings to our family and those closest to us.

Tears represent the heart and the essence of what makes us human. To put a lock and key on our emotions is to bury a crucial part of who we are.

When we don’t allow ourselves to dig deep into our emotions, it robs our relationships of true intimacy and growth born out of shared feelings.

The tears shed by our wives and children, and especially those of our daughters, represent and express:

• A crucial part of who they are

• A truly transparent heart

• Happiness, frustration, hurt, connection, learning, attachment, broken hearts, joy, and emotional overload

The language of tears is often saying: “I need you to stop and spend some time with me,” “Share this moment with me,” or “Don’t feel like you have to fix anything, just hold me while my heart heals.”

That is the truth that our tears tell; they represent the heart’s most profound thoughts and feelings.

That’s the truth I challenge all men, young and old, to embrace.

Even if your daughters don’t know how to tell you this directly, they want you to share your heart’s thoughts and feelings. Not just on special occasions and not necessarily every day, but consistently, honestly, and openly in our homes. Allow this honest expression of emotion to draw you closer to your daughters; stop burying an essential part of who you are.

Learning a new language is challenging, but well worth the work. Learning the language of tears can bring you closer to your daughter, as well as your family, spouse, and all of your children.

And it can help you be more honest with yourself. Every challenge has its risks, but with great risk also comes great reward. Are you courageous enough to embrace this challenge? I hope so, and so do your daughters.

Randell Turner, Ph.D. is an author, counselor, and a pioneer in the men’s and fatherhood movement. He has dedicated over 20 years in working with men who feel broken, rejected, isolated, and lonely because of their struggles with “intimacy ignorance.” Randell lives in Wisconsin and has two daughters and seven grandchildren. For more information, check out his website: TransformingFamilies.org.

Is Your Unattended Baggage Hurting Your Daughter? (Guest Blog by Marc Alan Schelske)

Marc Alan Schelske is a friend I greatly respect and admire. Today as you read his guest blog, you as fathers will no doubt be inspired by his profound insights to help you relate in healthier ways to your daughters.
- Michelle

That morning I got up early, hoping to enjoy some quiet before family and work obligations kicked in. I shuffled to the kitchen to brew myself some Earl Grey.

In the darkness, my shin collided hard with some unseen obstacle. I tripped and threw out my arms, catching myself as I fell against the wall. My impediment crashed across the hardwoods setting the dog to barking. That woke up the rest of my family.

Bruised, frustrated, annoyed at the dog, I switched on the light to see what had been so irresponsibly left in the hallway. There it was. The blue carry-on baggage that belonged to me.

The week prior I had made a quick weekend flight for a writer’s event. I flew home to a schedule already overfull. Jumping right into the rush of my week, I left my baggage unattended in the hallway, where it sat, waiting to trip some unsuspecting family member. Luckily it was me!

Unattended Baggage Can Be Dangerous

You’ve heard that recorded message that comes over the airport public address system, the one that warns about unattended bags? The airport officials are trying to protect against terrorism threats, but apparently unattended baggage can be a real terror in other ways.

This isn’t just a problem at the airport. Apparently it’s a problem in my hallway. It’s also a threat to our relationship with our daughters.

The truth is that all of us dads have baggage we’ve never unpacked. Our hearts carry wounds that have scabbed over with time but have never received the proper healing.This baggage is just sitting around waiting for someone to trip over it. If we’re not careful, it’s going to be our daughters.

How Does This Baggage Show Up?

Coming back from my trip, I quickly fell back into my routine. The luggage I’d not had time to deal with got pushed to the side of the hallway and quickly faded into the background. I forgot it was there until my shin cracked into it.

Our emotional baggage is much the same. Regardless of what trauma or pain we’ve experienced in the past, we find a way to make life work.

For some of us, the wounds are so deeply buried, that we don’t think of them—and that seems almost the same as if we had dealt with them. We seem fine.

So, can we know if we’ve got untended baggage before it’s too late? Sure! There are three clear flags. If these are present in your life in an ongoing way, you’ve got unattended baggage.

1) Unexpected Outbursts

I noticed my unattended baggage when my shin sent it careening down the hall, waking up my whole family with an unexpected crash. That’s often how our emotional baggage surfaces too. Unexpected, loud and painful.

A common example of this is a dad’s Zero-to-Rage speed. Scripture counsels us to be slow to anger, and yet many speed past that instruction. You can call it a short fuse. 

You can blame it on your daughter’s disrespect or poor listening. But nobody is responsible for your burst of anger except you. If unexpected anger bursts in on us, boiling over in angry words, name-calling, blaming language or worse, that’s a flag that we have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

2) Outsized Responses

When my baggage crashed across the floor, and the dog started barking, the whole ordeal was far noisier than it needed to be. Similarly, emotional baggage often surfaces with a much bigger “crash” than seems reasonable.

If your daughter does something irritating or forgets some small responsibility, how do you react? Think about the tone of voice you use, the type of language you employ, the level of consequence you apply.

If what she did, objectively, weighs in at about a 4 or 5 in terms of seriousness, but the intensity of your response to her is more like a 9 or 10, that’s an outsized response. Maybe you pride yourself on being a strict parent, or “not taking any garbage.”

Well, consider the possibility that your intensity has nothing to do with your daughter, or with wanting to “run a tight ship.” It’s possible that you are inflicting emotional intensity on your daughter that doesn’t belong to her. Regular outsized responses are a flag that you have baggage that needs to be unpacked.

3) Hidden Hazards

In the dark that morning, I couldn’t see my luggage in the pathway. Because I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t avoid running into it. 

Emotional baggage is often invisible in the same way. Sometimes it’s invisible to you. Often, it’s invisible to your daughter.

She’s just going her life, being a kid. She doesn’t understand one particular thing might rub you the wrong way. She probably doesn’t get why you have so much energy around a particular behavior. In her mind “it’s not a big deal.” In your mind, it’s suddenly everything.

If interacting with you is a “minefield,” full of hidden hazards, that’s a flag that you have unattended baggage that needs to be unpacked.

Don’t Give Your Daughter Your Baggage!

The whole incident with the luggage in the hallway could have easily been avoided. All that was needed was for me to take responsibility. Instead of leaving my bag unattended and packed in the hallway, I could have taken the time to unpack it and put it away.

When we don’t take responsibility for our emotional baggage, it often becomes someone else’s problem. Our denial ends up hurting people we love. Then, our baggage becomes their baggage.

As dads, one of our chief responsibilities is to set up our children for the best possible chance of a healthy life. Passing our unpacked baggage on to them is a violation of this commitment.

If you find your relationship with your daughter marked by unexpected outbursts, outsized responses, and hidden hazards, it’s time to take responsibility.

Maybe that means investing time in learning how to listen to and process your emotions. 

(I wrote a book about that called The Wisdom of Your Heart: Discovering the God-given Power and Purpose of your Emotions.) 

Maybe it means getting coaching from a professional, like a therapist or a pastor with skills in this area. It’s not weakness to get support in this area; it is you giving your best attention to being the best dad you can be—and that’s part of your commitment to set your daughter up for the best possible life experience.

Don’t leave your baggage out where she can trip over it.

Instead, give her a healthy example of courage and personal responsibility by unpacking your own baggage before it becomes someone else's problem.

Marc Alan Schelske lives in Portland, Oregon in the U.S. where he writes about life at the intersection of grace and growth. He hosts The Apprenticeship Way podcast, is the author of The Untangle Workbook, The Wisdom of Your Heart, and Discovering Your Authentic Core Values, and is the pastor of Bridge City Community Church. You can find him and more writing at www.MarcAlanSchelske.com.