5 Keys to Decoding Your Daughter

Have you ever secretly wished that your daughter came with a decoder ring? Or if not a ring, perhaps a playbook?

Truth be told: Don’t you think it would be far easier to be a dialed-in dad if your daughter consistently made more sense to you? And wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were some manual that told you what to say and what not to say, as well as what to do and what not to do to get it right as a #girldad?!

Just so you feel less alone, I want you to know how often I hear dads say to me, “I have no idea what to do to help my daughter.” I’m truly honored whenever a man is vulnerable and willing to ask for input.

Dad, here’s what I want you to hear from my heart to yours, something I don’t think you hear enough:

Not only are you important, but you are vital to your daughter’s health and well-being—even if her words and behavior at times speak to the contrary. I also want you to know that you matter...a lot…and without your active engagement, your daughter will suffer.

And though you may feel in over your head at times, I want you to know that you’re in good company. I’ve noticed that men are often keenly aware of their deficits and find it easier to disqualify themselves than face the potential confirmation of incompetence. Add in the additional complexity of fathering a daughter whose needs intensify as she matures, and many fathers are stepping back rather than stepping in.

Though I don’t claim to have a corner on all things female, when it comes to coaching dads of daughters, I do know some insider trade secrets regarding what girls need from their dads in order to thrive. Though this list barely scratches the surface, it will get the conversation started.

As a dad of a daughter, here are a few things you need to know in order to decode your daughter, especially if she doesn’t know how to tell you these things herself:

1. She longs for your approval.

If your daughter has ever given you the message that you are unnecessary, don’t believe her. She’s craving your support and affirmation. And if she doesn’t get what she needs from you, she’ll go looking for it elsewhere. When she looks at you, you’re like a mirror who reflects back an image of herself that she internalizes. This is why it’s vital that you never give her the message that she’s more than you can handle. Keep giving positive, consistent, and intentional investments—with your words, time, and attention.

2. Even if she pushes you away, don’t go away.

It often saddens me to hear dads assume they don’t have value in the lives of their daughters because the bases are already covered elsewhere. I do understand that as girls mature, they are less predictable, more verbal, and way more emotional, which makes it very challenging for dads. But it’s important to know that this is when hormones begin to rage in her body and brain (over which she has no control since it’s about estrogen surging through her body), and they impact her moods, behavior, and thinking. This is normal and these are realities over which she has no control. This is when she needs you even more during these years, dad. If you back away, your daughter could conclude that she’s not worth loving. Your active presence (a.k.a. moving towards her and initiating time together) lets her know she is worthy and valuable. 

3.  She needs you to always respond with kindness.

Just know that it goes a long way to keeping her heart open when you speak kindly, gently, tenderly, and patiently. If you’re at a loss for words, simply say: “I want to understand. Help me understand.”  These words align with Malachi 4:6 where God directs fathers to turn their hearts---not just their heads---towards their children. And although you may not be as skilled in turning your heart as you are with turning your head, as you mindfully pray for this fruit of the Spirit to be evidenced in you (kindness), I believe you’ll see the evidence of this virtue being developed in you more and more as your first response.

4. Light up when you see her.

Your daughter is innately wired with the need to be the sparkle (or light) in someone’s eyes. And because you were the first man who held her, she will turn less to the counterfeit if she has experienced the real thing with you.

When you consistently make relational deposits into your daughter’s heart, she will become that sparkle, that source of joy, to you and others. 

5. She needs you to interact spiritually.

The Barna Group conducted a study that was released in May of 2019 titled, “The Power Influence of Mothers in Christians’ Households.” You may not be surprised to hear that of the 2,347 kids who were interviewed, about 75% said they primarily go to their moms for spiritual guidance and encouragement. The report also noted that 60 to 75% said they relied on their fathers to provide tangible needs (a.k.a. money) and logistical help. This means that dads are doing an excellent job as they set an example in meeting practical needs while also highlighting where fathers must do better.

Your daughters (and sons) are vulnerable if you don’t step in spiritually.

Here’s what I’ve heard from teenage and 20-something daughters when I asked them what they need from their dads when it comes to spiritual influence:

• “I like when my dad calls me to let me know he’s thinking of me or praying for me.” 

• “I like going to church together or going to a Christian concert.”

• “I wish that my dad would ask me about my spiritual walk and if I say I'm not doing well that he would tell me how I can go about fixing it.” 

I put this spiritual decoding tool last because a daughter will be more open to listening to your input about spiritual things if you have first laid a foundation relationally with her, as noted in the first four tips.

I want to close by being clear in sharing my heart so that you don’t have to decode what I’m saying: I believe in the transformative, healing power of a dad’s love expressed through consistent pursuit of his daughter’s heart.

Let this be the year that you step up and step in as a more intentional dialed-in dad. With God’s help, you can do it! 

Understanding Your Mysterious Daughter

So often hear fathers tell me that their daughters are complicated, complex, confusing, and unpredictable. The mysterious nature of a young daughter’s tantrum, a teenage attitude, or an adult’s cold shoulder spooks fathers everywhere into frustration in their relationships. However, I have discovered that we girls are not as hard to understand as we may seem!

Today’s decoding strategy comes straight from the one Man in all of history who always got it right when it came to relationships. You may know who I’m talking about: Jesus. I figure there’s no better example than learning from the best!

During His time on earth he met two sisters, Martha and Mary, and they were close, personal friends of Jesus. He knew them and they knew him. For better or worse. Let’s pick up the story (from Luke 10:38-42 if you want to look it up later) where Martha is overly reactive, super stressed, and basically freaking out.

If you can relate to experiencing any of those realities in your home, listen to what Jesus (with his male energy) did to enter the fray with his frazzled female friend.

Here are the 5 “easy” steps to decoding and relating to your daughter, especially during those times when things are emotionally intense.

1. He lets her vent to Him while He listens to all of it.
Even when she dramatically tells Jesus that he “doesn’t care” (false assumptions always take place during meltdowns) she continues by crying about having to do everything “by myself.” And if that wasn’t enough, she then barks at Jesus and demands that he tell her sister to help her. Surprisingly, he doesn’t lecture but listens and essentially absorbs her intensity by being her sounding board.

2. He says her name twice…gently and lovingly.
There’s something calming when any of us hear our name. And for us girls, it’s grounding for us to be spoken to by name. If you speak your daughter’s name with love in your tone and in a gentle way, she will come towards you---maybe not right away, but it is a powerful, healing strategy that works.

3. He sits with her in her emotional reality.
Notice that he doesn’t try and talk her out of what she’s feeling or try to get her to think rationally. No lecture. No criticism. Jesus knows that she couldn’t hear it anyway while being so worked up. So, he simply stays with her, looks at her, validates her, and puts words to what she’s feeling, calling it “worry” and “upset.” He tenderly names her emotions. No judgment.

4. He highlights all that is on her life plate.
As girls we are wired to multi-task. That’s why we can talk on the phone, paint our nails, watch a show, and do homework…all at the same time! Yet all of a sudden, we reach the end of our rope and implode. Again, this is where we need gentle grace not power positions. Jesus just told Martha that he knew she had “many things” going on, leading to her melt down. How kind of him to notice. If you validate all that is pressing in on your daughter, your words will go long and far to make her feel heard and understood.

5. He directs her to focus on one thing.
Jesus tells her that “only one thing is needed.” The implication is that it’s about focusing on Him as the one thing rather than all the needs around her. When we girls get overwhelmed with the much, we need gentle, supportive guidance to take it one thing at a time. Breaking it down into bite size pieces is immensely helpful when we’re breaking down.

Summing up: When your daughter is melting down sit alongside her and listen to her vent. Move towards her, and lovingly say her name. Tell her that you understand that she is “worried and upset.” Let her know you do see that she has a lot on her plate, and assist in helping her to focus on one issue.

I know it’s easier said than done, but these 5 things will make all the difference in the eye of the storm when you are there trying to keep up with her complexity. And after the storm has passed, the main thing your daughter will remember is that you Dad were there in it with her.

How To Survive Father's Day When You Hate The Day

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I hate Father’s Day"?

If you’re taking the time to read this blog, you’re probably one of many who’ll be holding their breath this weekend as you wish there was no such thing as a holiday that honors, highlights, and heralds fathers.

For you, that actually might be putting it way too mildly.

Your story might be one where you hate Father’s Day because you feel a heavy weight of emotions (that you may or may not be in touch with, but they’re under the surface, nonetheless) as you experience the intense nuances of this day.

Now you might be wondering why I’ve taken a turn from my usual stance of empowering and equipping dads in order to write from this vantage point. It’s because this is the side of fathering where real pain lives and this is the real place where your story needs to be acknowledged. At least to yourself.

The reason I’m writing to those of you who dread Father’s Day is because I love dads. At first glance that might not make sense. So let me be more specific.

I love healed and whole dads.
I love dads who are imperfect and admit it without hiding, excusing, shaming or blaming.
I love dads who are humble and willing to disclose weakness.
I love dads who are vulnerable, who say they’re sorry, and make amends.
I love dads who intentionally express love every day to their daughters and sons.
And I love dads who count it a privilege and a responsibility to help build a bridge to God as Father for their kids.

The bottom line is that I want to see fathers step up and take action by doing their own work. If not for themselves, at least for the sake of their daughters and sons.

All of this goes along with the fact that as a licensed professional counselor, I’ve devoted the last 30-plus years to walking alongside brave individuals who admit they have pain and then ask for help. I long for the day when healing and wholeness become top priorities for everyone, especially fathers. This translates to men being courageous enough to look within, to address their inner world, and to honestly face the impact all of it has on their relationships.

I’m writing today with great empathy for those of you who didn’t have a father who was willing or able to do those things. Thus, by default, you'd rather ignore this day as it serves as an annual reminder that your dad didn’t do his healing work and inflicted his woundedness onto you.

Sadly, I believe a large sector of our society has denied the impact of their childhood experiences on their current ways of living. Many have even chosen to live a duplicitous life and dissociated from their pain. Consequently, they’ve normalized their ways of responding and interacting, and have adjusted their decisions, choices and relationships accordingly. Because they’ve carried their emotional and relational pain into adulthood, they often end up transferring their unhealed wounds onto their kids and those around them.

On this Father’s Day if you feel triggered, overwhelmed, flooded, angered, saddened, and/or confused because your dad abandoned you, abused, neglected, rejected or harmed you in some way, I want you to know that I’m very sorry you’ve been hurt. And I implore you to hold to this truth: this is your dad’s stuff and not yours, even though he projected it onto you and now you’re left to deal with the impact.

I also want you to know that healing is possible. But you have to be willing to do the hard work.

If you’re ready to begin moving towards healing, I offer this four-step strategy if Father’s Day is one of the worst days of your year.

1. FEEL IT.
I love the adage, “what you don’t feel, can’t heal.” Start by acknowledging your real emotions about your dad (whether he’s deceased or alive, because we all know that a father’s imprint stays alive inside us forever). The flip side is that if you try and ignore your uncomfortable or negative feelings, you’ll most likely discover that your responses will come out another portal, such as overreacting, overcompensation, or overindulgence in other areas.

2. WRITE IT.
This is a common practice I use with my counseling clients that allows for honest, raw expression of what is inside. Let your pen on paper or fingers on keyboard flow freely as you tell your dad what you’ve never been able to say before----about your sadness, anger, fear or confusion. Try not to allow your internal critic to filter or qualify your words. You want to write as if you’re not giving the letter to him because the benefit to you is just getting it out.

3. TELL IT.
Now it’s time to share your story with a trusted friend or confidant. There is power in having a safe witness to your pain. More times than not, I’ve seen that it’s easier for all of us to minimize, normalize, and discount the profound impact that our family of origin is having on our current responses and functioning. Therein lies the significance of telling our stories to another person who can listen and validate while providing an outside perspective.

I realize this takes a big dose of courage to “share family secrets” or “air dirty laundry” outside of your family system. But I’ve seen the personal benefit to those who do this as they open the vault and vent to a confidential source. Reach out to someone and set up a time to talk before you change your mind.

4. RELEASE IT.
This is the most challenging step in our journey to healing. Of course it’s easier said than done to let go of father wounds (what your dad did do) or father voids (what he didn’t do), which is why I’ve placed this one last.

This step is about letting go of the hurts or any vengeance you hold against your dad. This is another way of saying that you’re willing to move towards forgiveness. I actually wrote my doctoral dissertation on forgiveness and spent over a year basking in the research on this subject. What I learned and found helpful is that:

• forgiveness is a process, not a single event.

• forgiveness isn’t tolerating inexcusable behavior

• forgiveness isn’t forgetting or justifying events or actions.

• forgiveness doesn’t mean there has to be reconciliation.

• forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself as you choose to stop rehearsing the hurt and release the grudge.

I believe that forgiveness often doesn’t hold long term because there hasn’t first been a thorough understanding of the depth of the injuries nor an evaluation of the ways those injuries have taken shape throughout our lifespan. It’s important to assess and honor our internal injuries in the same way a medical doctor assesses, diagnoses, and treats physical injuries.

This is why steps 1-3 above are vital to the process of dealing with father issues before the forgiveness process begins. Then you’ll be ready to start releasing the pain through feeling your feelings, writing a letter to your dad, sharing your story, and then handing everything over to God who says “vengeance is mine, I will repay” (Romans 12:19).

This is how you will make great strides toward healing so that you can be free. Your load will be lighter and you won’t have to carry it alone.

My hope is that by doing these four steps, you’ll not just survive Father’s Day this year, but that you’ll thrive today and in the days ahead.

How to Talk With Your Daughter About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

[LONG BLOG ALERT! Yes, this is the longest blog I’ve ever written…and that is due to it being a very complex topic that merits a thorough overview, which I believe will ultimately lead you to greater success in navigating this conversation with your daughter. Read as much or as little as you need…and then share with other dads (and moms too). Go team!]

Is it just me or are you experiencing a bit of déjà vu right now? It seems like the sexual revolution of the 60’s is back again. That was a time when themes of sex, sexuality, sexual liberation, and all that goes with it, hit our American culture like an unexpected tsunami.

Now here we are, over 50 years later, and our nation is in a similar place. In our day, knowing how to talk with your daughter about issues like sexual orientation, gender identity, and same-sex attraction can seem overwhelming.

If you’re a dad to a daughter, you’re probably drowning in conversations around these topics lately. Yet most fathers have no idea where to start in navigating these issues, let alone speak into their daughter’s life about them. But we can’t avoid this topic anymore. This is the world your daughter lives in, and she needs you to help her process it (even if she doesn’t know it!).

It’s clear. If you’re not talking about these things with your daughter, you need to be. Even if you’re uncomfortable. If you don’t weigh in on these subjects with her, then every other voice will outrank, influence and guide her except yours.

Understanding Cultural Pressure

To illustrate the current cultural magnitude of this topic, if you type into your search engine, “how to talk with your child about gender” you’ll see nearly 600,000 results.

You’ll see everything from gender fluidity to gendered pronouns to transgender to LGBTQ to non-binary to gender nonconforming. The list goes on. Your daughter is clearly growing up in a world that is very different than the one you grew up in.

I receive increasing numbers of emails from dads asking me how to navigate this tricky topic of sexuality and same-sex attraction with their girls.

Real Dads with Real Questions

Here are two recent examples of questions on these topics:

“My 13-year-old daughter has made huge progress this year, and I have been relentless in trying to empower her. We are proud of her accomplishments, but also are concerned that she now is questioning whether she’s attracted to boys or girls. How do I guide her while she is questioning her sexuality?”.

“My daughter is 25 and has been in a homosexual relationship for about 2.5 years. I feel it’s my fault for not connecting with her in her preteen years. I am a Christian and believe that God has something better for her than this lifestyle. How do I connect to her to help pull her out of this situation? Desperate.”

You can hear these father’s hearts and cries for help. They don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. But they also admit that they really don’t know the right thing to say either.

My goal is to support you as a dad so that your interactions with your daughter have a better chance of being successful, especially around the issues of same-sex attraction and sexuality.

So, I want to share my response to this second email above. Perhaps my words will provide some key talking points for you to use with your daughter.

My Response for Dads on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dear Desperate Dad...

I’m glad you reached out and are open to hearing some of my thoughts and ideas. I acknowledge that you’ll be weighing my input with your own conscience as you choose your next steps with your daughter.

First, I love that you want to connect with your daughter to talk about her same-sex relationship. Yet, truth be told, since she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions and likely won’t listen to you because you hold a position different than hers.

Your primary goal must be to connect with her heart. This begins with being a great listener more than being a great talker. Ask questions that invite her to share what’s going on in her life rather than forcing her to hear your thoughts and opinions.

Second, when you do talk to her about this weighty subject, there needs to be a solid relational foundation under it first. So, let me ask: Are you regularly connecting with her to talk about lighter, broader topics? So, it can hold this heavier, more intense topic? If not, start there.

Next question: How close would you say the two of you are on a scale of zero to ten (with ten being the closest)? If your number is five or below, I would suggest waiting to talk with her about her relationship. Hold off until you’ve connected with her about other areas of her life that have less potential for misunderstanding, hurt, hostility, arguments, etc.

Third, as much as we believe that the Bible is clear in stating:

• That God has created us as His male and female image bearers (Genesis 1:26)

• Where a man is directed to leave his father and mother to be united to his wife as one flesh (Genesis 2:24)

• No longer two but one, with no one separating what God has joined together (Matthew 19:4-6)

The reality is that not everyone interprets the Bible the same way.

Of course, we can use the Bible to speak into the lives of those we love. But when all is said and done, each of us has a free will where we choose to respond to God’s Word individually. With your daughter being a grown adult, she has to choose for herself which path to take.

The more poignant question then becomes: How will you love her even when she makes choices other than what you would prefer or choose for her?

Wise Words from a Seasoned Saint

I remember listening to the 20/20 interview between Hugh Downs and Billy Graham back in 2003. It was (and still is) one of the most powerful and gracious perspectives on the topic of same-sex attraction I’ve ever heard.

Here is the actual transcript of their conversation:

Hugh: I’d like to get your opinion also about homosexuality. What do you feel about that?

Billy: Yes, well I think that the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin...but, the Bible also teaches that pride is a sin, jealousy is a sin, and...hate is a sin, evil thoughts are a sin. And so, I don’t think that homosexuality should be chosen as the overwhelming sin that we are doing today.

Hugh: If one of your children had been gay, would you have ceased to love that child?

Billy: No. I would not. I would love him even more maybe!

Come Humbly to Your Daughter

Here’s how I closed my letter to “Desperate Dad”:

That said, I would advise you to come humbly to this conversation with your daughter.

Be fully aware that you are neither her judge nor jury.

• Ask her questions about how she experienced her pre-teen years when you weren’t there for her.

• Make amends and ask forgiveness while being aware that you too are a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.

• Remind yourself that her choices are no worse than those you’ve made.

• You can share your fears or concerns at some point, but make sure they are first covered with prayer, grace, love, gentleness, and “seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).

If she feels your judgment, she will distance herself from you rather than experiencing the love of a father who champions his daughter.

I pray your daughter will always know that you unconditionally love her as she rests in knowing that the door to your home and your heart is always open to her.

Sincerely, Dr. Michelle

Responding to Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Dad, I acknowledge that this level of deep dialogue can easily be riddled with emotional landmines. Yet there’s no better way to expand your comfort zone than to pursue your daughter’s heart.

I’m inspired by Mark Yarhouse and Julie Sadsusky in their groundbreaking book, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth.

In it they encourage parents to turn to their faith to direct their responses when their kids need them to process these kinds of complicated issues. Here is their challenge:

The way you personally talk about transgender people (and similar-related topics) will absolutely inform your child’s level of comfort in sharing their journey with you. If you talk in a way that is mocking, condemning, or dismissive, your child will likely expect the same from you about their story.

If you talk in a way that is thoughtful, curious, honoring of the dignity of people, and dispassionate, you may find that they trust you as a guided resource in their own questions (p. 149).

As you read their words, you may struggle to follow their suggestions because you fundamentally stand against these issues.

Or you would rather not talk about them. You may believe that if you ask more questions and listen to your daughter’s viewpoints on gender identity, sexual orientation, or same-sex attraction she may misinterpret your openness as condoning her behaviors, opinions, or beliefs.

What the Bible Says about Your Response

I understand your stance. Yet I believe that the best position you can take as a dad with a daughter who is choosing a lifestyle other than the one you would choose for her is captured in one single verse in Luke 15.

“But while he [the son] was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” Luke 15:20

This is the parable of the prodigal son. Jesus uses it to share about His Father whose children often choose to walk away from Him despite His consistent love and support. There are five proactive things this father does here:

1. He sees his child (who is in a compromised state, wayward, in process, messy).

2. He is filled with compassion (open-hearted, available, no judgment).

3. He runs toward his child (takes the first step, eagerly moves forward in pursuit).

4. He embraces his child (physically expresses love, warmth, and joy).

5. He kisses his child (focuses on demonstrating love rather than lecturing or pointing out obvious poor choices and errant ways).

This is a powerful roadmap to guide you as a father in knowing how to pursue your daughter’s heart. Even amid questions about these complex issues. In addition, consider the significant role you have in building a bridge to God as her Father by ensuring that she knows the door to your home and your heart are always open.

Strategies for Talking with Your Daughter

Now let’s get practical. As you prepare to engage your daughter in topics of gender identity, sexual orientation or same-sex attraction, here are my recommendations:

1. Begin by asking questions. (Goal: be curious, not critical)

2. Don’t talk at her; talk with her. (Goal: listen, don’t lecture)

3. Model mutual respect. (Goal: dialogue, don’t dominate)

4. Remember this is a two-way interaction. (Goal: talk and listen)

5. If appropriate, end by sharing your thoughts/beliefs/convictions with her. (Goal: honesty with humility)

Questions to Ask Your Daughter

If you’re ready to start the conversation about sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or same-sex attraction, here are a few questions you can ask your daughter:

1. Have you known someone who has been teased or criticized about their sexuality or sexual orientation?

2. What are your thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions about someone being straight, gay, trans- gender, bi-sexual, non-binary, or non-gender (one who experiences gender as both male and female)?

3. How would you describe the cultural climate around you in response to someone saying that he or she is straight? Is it accepted? Or is exploration around sexuality encouraged and celebrated, even questioned, and how does that impact you?

4. How do you view your own sexuality? Would you describe yourself by using any of these terms listed above (#2) or would you describe yourself another way?

5. I want you to know that I love you and I always will. Have I ever made you feel unlovable, unaccepted, or unworthy because of your sexuality? Or for any other reason?

6. Is there anything about my beliefs or convictions or attitudes that has ever shut you down or made it hard to talk with me about these things?

7. How can I better support you now that we’ve talked honestly and this is all out in the open?

8. Would you be willing to hear my thoughts/beliefs/convictions/opinions around sexuality? My goal isn’t to preach at you, dominate you, shame you, or belittle you, but I would appreciate being able to share my heart with you for a few minutes. Would that be okay? [If she says no, you must honor her by lovingly ending the conversation there. Perhaps she’ll be open to hearing from you at another time. Your warm response today will set a foundation for the future, even if she doesn’t want to hear your thoughts right now.]

Dad, now is the time to build your competence and confidence as you invest in your daughter’s life by talking with her about these topics, leading with bold intention and courageous pursuit with a foundation of honor, love, and respect.

The Garrison of Comparison

I can’t believe how often I get nicked by “the garrison of comparison.” That’s what I’ve been calling it lately.

A garrison is “a body of troops stationed in a fortified place.”

This definition creates a picture in my mind of the people I compare myself to. When I was younger, it showed up in the form of sibling rivalry. Now it’s more about others who are succeeding in areas where I wish I was. The reality is that I see all of these people standing around me as a “body of troops” and I’m the one stuck in the middle, the one who ends up feeling immobilized and trapped, “stationed in a fortified place” when I size my life up next to theirs.

I often describe this kind of thinking as being in a hamster wheel, running fast, yet going nowhere.

I wish I didn’t do this or think like this. I wish I could stay in my lane without looking in my peripheral vision to see the “runner” next to me. Yet whether I’m looking at someone else’s successes or opportunities or at their body shape or martial status (this was significant before I was married), it too often catches me by surprise. And once it grabs hold, it doesn’t let go very easily.

As you hear me say these things, do any of my words remind you of things you’ve heard your daughter express?

If she hasn’t revealed them to you, I would venture a guess that she’s been garrisoned by the trap of comparison just like I have. And I imagine that it’s seeking a stranglehold on her, just like it has on me.

So what can you do to guide your daughter to avoid the comparison trap?

1. Ask her to share how or where or in what ways she compares herself to others.

2. Tell her what you see when you view her life---work ethic, commitment, endurance, generosity, strength of character, etc.---so she can replay your perspective to combat her critical thoughts.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve read II Corinthians 10:12 that says comparing and measuring ourselves to others not only isn’t wise, but it’s like “moving into someone else’s territory” (The Message Bible). That really is what it’s like when we don’t stay in our lane to run our own unique race that’s set before us.

I want to be free from comparison. I’m sure your daughter does too.

So I decided to take some action and created a visual diagram. [This is a practical exercise to do with your daughter].

I drew a circle with the word “me” in the center. Then I wrote the names of people in my life who I compare myself to all around that circle. There in black and white I had to admit that jealousy comes up for me even though I love these friends and celebrate their gifts and opportunities.

I noticed the negative feelings I had inside as I faced the harsh realities before me.

But then, by way of contrast, I drew a second picture. Again, I started with a circle and wrote “me” in the center, but this time I wrote the names of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) around me.

Immediately I felt calm inside. It was almost as if I was getting a hug from the Three of Them! I realized anew that when I look at my reflection in Their mirror, I’m at peace with who I am and where I am.

[If you or your daughter aren’t comfortable relating to God in this way, you could make your second picture such that all around your daughter are the names of those in your family and her life who unconditionally love her, independent of anything she does or doesn‘t do, and ask her to notice how she feels].

I trust that wherever your daughter is at, you will reinforce the truth that she is precious just the way she is. Whether her body is too this or too that, whether she has or has not, whether she’s got it or doesn’t, whether she’s up or she’s down, the most important things to reinforce are that:

• You love her fully just the way she is

• God has His hand on her life, even if she can’t feel it

• As she keeps looking to God for the truth of her identity, she’ll be happier and steadier in her own lane, being her authentic self

That’s the beautiful kind of “fortified place” that will bring her safety, security and peace.

It's All About The Feet

We’ve heard it said that it’s about being in the right place at the right time. On one particular day recently, I was definitely in the right place at the right time to witness an inaugural event for one brave dad!

There I was in a room full of women, seated with my hands positioned on the counter as my stylist was polishing my fingernails for a manicure. That’s when a man came walking through the front door and made this announcement,

“This is my first time…and I’m scared!”

It was hilarious to hear him admit his legitimate terror of the great unknown that lie ahead of him that day. But, to his credit, he was there.

I was instantly intrigued that a guy would openly admit his fear, so I just had to eavesdrop on his conversation throughout the process, convinced there was more to the story. I found myself thinking that he probably had faced much bigger and much scarier obstacles than this, but gave him props for facing his fears head on today.

As I got up to leave, I felt compelled to walk over and applaud him for his heroism. I asked if the girl with him was his daughter, which led to hearing Brian explain that he was there with his daughter Kennedy as they were celebrating her 13th birthday.

After applauding him for showing up in a big way that she’ll likely never forget, I asked to take their picture while sharing that I wish there were more dads like him who would enter their daughter’s world at any cost to themselves. I’m sure the last thing he expected was to have his entrance into a nail salon result in being commended for his feat of strength and courageous commitment to his daughter!

I told him that I wanted to blog about their story and send him my book so they could do dad-daughter dates with more intention to kick off Kennedy’s teenage years. We became instant friends.

As I drove away, I thought about the powerful impact this dad had made in his daughter’s life that day simply by exposing his fears….and his feet.

[This is Brian and his daughter Kennedy]

For the majority of men, it takes a lot to reveal real emotion--as well as their toes--in public.

There’s just one word for this kind of love in action: vulnerability.

On the way home I considered how Jesus expressed vulnerability. And wouldn’t you know it, it too was all about the feet.

When Jesus washed each of his twelve disciple’s feet and dried them with the towel wrapped around him, he modeled humility by serving them that day. Brian did something similar to express his love to Kennedy by humbling himself as his feet were washed by a stranger, all as an act of love and service to his daughter.

Then Jesus followed up his actions with these words:

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”
(John 13:14-15)

Dad, how can you enter your daughter’s world today by doing something that may be uncomfortable, requiring humility and vulnerability?

Trust me, if you’re willing to walk a mile in your daughter’s shoes, the path just might lead you into a nail salon!