How to Write a Letter to Your Daughter That She'll Never Forget

One of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter is to affirm her through writing. In a world where written communication is most often casual (texts, emails, tweets), a letter in your own handwriting stands out.

I’ll never forget when Abba Project dad Dennis surprisingly noticed that his thirteen-year-old daughter Olivia not only kept the letter he wrote her, but placed it on top of her desk for her friends to see. He had completely expected her to be embarrassed by his card and hide it, especially from her peers. So, as you can imagine, his heart melted when he saw the positive impact his written words had made.

The beauty of putting your thoughts, dreams, love, truth, and feelings for your daughter into written form is so that she can read and reread it. She will treasure the things you write to her both now and for years to come.

How do I know this? Because I and many other girls save our dad’s notes…forever!

I’ll tell you a heart story to bring this to light. My dad started a tradition a number of years ago of creating one-of-a-kind birthday cards for all of us girls by using a template on his computer. [You can find the tools you need to create your own cards by typing the words “Hallmark Cards Studio Software” into your search engine.]

Without a doubt, my all-time favorite card is the one he made for my 50th birthday. He made a list of 50 things he and my mom love about me and number 33 is the one that melted my heart:

“SHE LOVES THE FROGS AT HER HOUSE.”

Here's a photo of my 50th birthday card from my dad:

I laughed uproariously when reading that because I had no idea he’d remembered such a seemingly insignificant thing that I’d said. But it showed me that he had listened when I said I absolutely love the sound that the choir of frogs make twice a year at the end of my street. It’s music to my ears. And he counted it among the things he loves about me.

And just so you know this annual card tradition continues to touch my heart, here’s the cover of the card my dad just gave me two weeks ago for my 62nd birthday. In other words, we girls are never too old to enjoy and treasure handmade cards from our dads!

I share all of this to say that whether or not you’re artistic or creative, just the fact that you notice and bring to light the unique things about your daughter, things you find adorable, enjoyable, and memorable, you are providing a pathway to her heart that will be a treasure to her forever.

Whether or not you’ve written letters before, here are a few dad-to-daughter letter-writing ideas to add to your repertoire:

• What was one of the first things you remember about her when she was born and you looked at her for the first time?

• What beauty did you see in her then and what beautiful features do you see in her now? (Girls love hearing about their eyes, smile, and the unique features that you see as beautiful)

• Write about a favorite childhood memory you have of her

• What strengths do you believe she has, both in terms of skill and in her person? (her character, personality)

• Tell her specific reasons you’re proud of her

• Write about what obstacles you have seen her overcome—emphasize such qualities as courage, resilience, strength, commitment, endurance, power

• Write about dreams you have for her future, whether in the form of your wishes for her or things you pray about for her—do this without preaching or lecturing, only encourage

• Tell her what it means to you to spend time with her 

• Communicate why you love being her dad in this season of her life (add current things about her age right now that you’re aware of and highlight them as positive)

• Let her know that you will always be there for her, telling her what it means to you to be her dad

If writing isn’t your thing, still do it (I know…I’m being a tough teacher right now). I promise that your daughter will thrive in direct proportion to the words you speak (verbal and written) into her life. 

And the more you hone your writing skills, the easier it will become. 

On your mark, get set, write!

It's All About The Feet

We’ve heard it said that it’s about being in the right place at the right time. On one particular day recently, I was definitely in the right place at the right time to witness an inaugural event for one brave dad!

There I was in a room full of women, seated with my hands positioned on the counter as my stylist was polishing my fingernails for a manicure. That’s when a man came walking through the front door and made this announcement,

“This is my first time…and I’m scared!”

It was hilarious to hear him admit his legitimate terror of the great unknown that lie ahead of him that day. But, to his credit, he was there.

I was instantly intrigued that a guy would openly admit his fear, so I just had to eavesdrop on his conversation throughout the process, convinced there was more to the story. I found myself thinking that he probably had faced much bigger and much scarier obstacles than this, but gave him props for facing his fears head on today.

As I got up to leave, I felt compelled to walk over and applaud him for his heroism. I asked if the girl with him was his daughter, which led to hearing Brian explain that he was there with his daughter Kennedy as they were celebrating her 13th birthday.

After applauding him for showing up in a big way that she’ll likely never forget, I asked to take their picture while sharing that I wish there were more dads like him who would enter their daughter’s world at any cost to themselves. I’m sure the last thing he expected was to have his entrance into a nail salon result in being commended for his feat of strength and courageous commitment to his daughter!

I told him that I wanted to blog about their story and send him my book so they could do dad-daughter dates with more intention to kick off Kennedy’s teenage years. We became instant friends.

As I drove away, I thought about the powerful impact this dad had made in his daughter’s life that day simply by exposing his fears….and his feet.

[This is Brian and his daughter Kennedy]

For the majority of men, it takes a lot to reveal real emotion--as well as their toes--in public.

There’s just one word for this kind of love in action: vulnerability.

On the way home I considered how Jesus expressed vulnerability. And wouldn’t you know it, it too was all about the feet.

When Jesus washed each of his twelve disciple’s feet and dried them with the towel wrapped around him, he modeled humility by serving them that day. Brian did something similar to express his love to Kennedy by humbling himself as his feet were washed by a stranger, all as an act of love and service to his daughter.

Then Jesus followed up his actions with these words:

“Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.”
(John 13:14-15)

Dad, how can you enter your daughter’s world today by doing something that may be uncomfortable, requiring humility and vulnerability?

Trust me, if you’re willing to walk a mile in your daughter’s shoes, the path just might lead you into a nail salon!

The Dialed-In Dad Checklist

Let’s be honest. None of us like someone else telling us what to do.

It’s hard enough when we’re forced to sit for our annual review while hearing our boss give feedback about both our strengths and weaknesses. But since it’s protocol, we have no option but to endure the scrutiny.

However, unlike our work environment, when it comes to assessing fatherhood, it’s another ballgame. In that arena, the likelihood of individual defensiveness is higher, especially if the person giving the feedback is a stranger (a.k.a. me to you). I can understand how it could come across as a personal attack when the input isn’t based on a full understanding of the entirety of a situation.

In view of that reality, dad, I want to offer you a way to evaluate yourself. No lecture. No force. No hovering. Just you lifting up the hood of your “car” and checking the wiring in order ensure optimum workability. And since we’re here at the end of the year, this is a great time to look back over 2019 and do some introspection…all for a greater gain.

I want to give you a tool that equips you to assess yourself in the area of fathering. No one else will see it but you. My hope is that in having a template for self-evaluation, you will be more honest than if someone was looking over your shoulder.

I have such great respect for men who are open and willing to ask for help in order to achieve their goals, especially their fathering goals. Although many dads I’ve spoken with haven’t written down or articulated their parenting goals, I’ve discovered that those ideals are actually tucked deep within and clearer than may have realized.

That’s where I believe this self-assessment will serve as a proactive tool in your fathering toolbox because it will help you clarify your vision.

Let me add that I’ve absolutely loved hearing dads in The Abba Project (the group I lead for dads of daughters ages 13 to 30) tell me that they made a copy of this self-test and put it in a prominent place to remind them of what they need to work on.

Speaking of prominent places, I was blown away when Police Chief Bret, a former Abba Project Dad, sent me a picture a couple of years ago after our group ended. Placed next to his bulletproof vest, leather belt, and two guns was his Abba Project notebook, propped up as a daily reminder of the importance of investing in his three daughters. He wanted me to see that he wasn’t forgetting to dial in even after our group ended.

Let’s get practical now.

After you take the Dialed-In Dad Self-Test and see items that are not a part of your daily or weekly interactions with your daughter, write out two or three specific things that you are going to do starting today that will launch you on your journey toward being increasingly tuned-in to your daughter.

There’s no need to go down a path of guilt or shame for things you’ve done wrong in the past, and there’s no better time than the present to begin changing the past. You have today and every day from here on out to make up for lost time.

Here’s the bottom line: Being intentional makes a big difference.

Challenge yourself to choose a couple of new ways to connect with your daughter as you go forward on this journey. (Use lower-scoring items on the Dialed-In Dad Checklist to guide you here).

And if you’re like the men in my groups, you’re ready to use your score both as a gauge for where you are now as well as a guide for where you still need to focus.

By doing this, you’ll be clearer on where to take action so you can more specifically invest in your daughter’s life today.

p.s. If you want extra credit and are feeling extra courageous, invite your daughter to fill out this form about you as her dad. I guarantee that it will show you where you’re rocking it and where you could use some improvement!

Click here for the Dialed-in Dad Checklist

Leaving a Legacy

One of the hardest things in life is facing death.

Though it’s inevitable, death never seems right, does it? It never gets easier to handle the loss and it never seems like we’ve had enough time with the ones we love. Even more, the world doesn’t ever feel the same without that person in it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately.

My husband just lost two friends to Covid-19. One was 67 with nine kids and the other, 31 and single. Then we just heard of our daughter’s boss losing his life at the age of 41 with four small children left behind. The horrific nature of their untimely deaths have shaken their families and friends to the core.

We’re all seeing that this dreaded virus is no respecter of persons. And each of us is being impacted by these tragedies in one way or another.

These stories have brought back sad memories of losing my favorite aunt to cancer a few years ago.

She’d been struggling with cancer a year and a half before she took her last breath. And although she had fought hard in the last year, she said she knew it was her time to go. I saw her in the hospital a couple of weeks prior and I held her head to my chest as we both cried. The unspoken spoken. We both knew she was nearing the end of her journey here on earth.

This happened before coronavirus invaded our world, back when we could be near those we loved as they were facing death. And hard as it was to be there in the intensity, at least my aunt and I could say goodbye to each other while saying that we’d see each other again in heaven. That brought comfort to my soul.

Now my heart aches for the different realities that are being experienced this year as a result of the pandemic. And in this season of loss, the only thing we have left here on earth are the deposits our loved ones have left on the inside of us.  

All of this has led me to ponder anew the importance of legacy. 

Of course this isn’t a new concept to any of us, but for the sake of clarity, I love the way Marelisa Fabrega defines the term legacy: "It means putting a stamp on the future, and making a contribution to future generations. People want to leave a legacy because they want to feel that their life mattered."

This leads me to honestly answer this question, and I invite you to as well:

What kind of legacy am I leaving?

The reality is that though none of us will be around forever physically, we all leave a trail behind that leads the way for the next generation. As a dad to a daughter, you will be around forever in the deposit you leave in your daughter’s life.

I would encourage you to clarify anew today what exactly you want your daughter to hold inside herself as a gift from you for the rest of her life.

• Finish this sentence below and then write it on a card that sits on your desk.

• Take a picture of what you write and look at it daily on your phone.

• Tell her what it is you want her to never forget about why you love her.

You never know when a day may be your last. Let today be the day you renew your focus to invest in your daughter’s life daily by choosing to intentionally deposit that which you want her to forever remember about you.

Be specific about how your love deposit will be expressed. And may the way you complete this sentence guide what you say and do from this day forward.

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only one thing to say about me,
I’d want it to be...

25 Things Your Daughter Really Needs From Her Dad

Even though I’m not a researcher, I actually did some of my own data collection for my first book that I know you’ll love! Because I want you as dads to reap the benefits of hearing from girls and women who are the same ages as your daughters, I’ll take you along with me on this journey of discovery.

Here’s the question I asked of as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America (and the world) to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Why is this urgent and important? Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the world around her.

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action now.

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.