Burned Bridges

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I’ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.

A recurring story I hear are from dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are lost on what to do next. Their hearts are breaking and they don’t know where to turn.

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father’s heart, one dad wrote:

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God's providence. I can't imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of the situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter’s decision to write her dad out of her life story. Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart - going after what he knows matters to her - while also honoring her requested need for space.

One of my close friends has been going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For almost 3 years now he has had very little contact with her. I’ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad’s perspective…

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you, or is that a puzzle?

Dad: Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the “justice” parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child – that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst – but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?

Dad: I miss her terribly. It’s very frustrating not knowing what’s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can’t because I don’t know what’s happening.

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding/coming to terms with/being honest about the role you’ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?

Dad: I didn’t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I’m not a screamer – and I’m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it really hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you really deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?

Dad: You have to get to the point where it’s not about you. At first I used to think, “That little brat. She’s so ungrateful.” I thought about retaliating – to teach her a lesson. “If things get really bad for her then she’ll finally appreciate me.” This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me. That started again a couple of months ago.

What powerful and healing words: “It doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.” This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, strong stance like this must start with you, Dad.

I’ve spoken with many dads who admit they’ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I’m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends today.

If you’ve read my blogs or my books, you’ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong. This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you’ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she’ll never talk to you again. This is where you’ll have to be wise moving forward. Start with a letter if she’s not okay with seeing you or doesn’t feel safe with you, or perhaps a text - without expecting a response - as long as you are honoring her boundaries.

Another key piece of the rebuilding process is to lay your weapons down. You can’t approach her with defensiveness or in “attack mode” if you want to repair the bridge. If you care more about her hurt and her heart than you do about being right, then you can try these three steps:

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer 

“I know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn’t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?”

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities

“Last night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?” 

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct)

(This is an example of what NOT to say) “I know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me halfway and not be as emotional this time around.” 

The key here is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution, because the severity of offenses vary, but the presence of any demands on your part will backfire indefinitely in reaching out to her in love. 

To close, here is some of my response to the hurting father at the start of this blog:

One idea for you during this time of estrangement from your daughter is to buy a journal and write letters to her in it. You may or may not ever give it to her, but either way it can be a place to express the desires of your heart to her—wishes, dreams, ideas, prayers, truths of who she is as you see her and God sees her, verses you pray for her, and random or silly things that you wish you could say to her. This book will serve as a time capsule of sorts should you choose to give her the journal sometime down the road.

Whether you’re a dad who needs to rebuild the bridge to his daughter’s heart or you’re building the bridge in a proactive way right now and things are good between the two of you, I’d suggest doing this journal idea. I cannot imagine a daughter who wouldn’t treasure a gift like this from her father. You could write in it once a week for a year and then present it to her on her next birthday or on Father’s Day as a surprise to switch it up and let her know how much you love being her dad.

No matter the method, no matter the cost, I trust you’ll choose today to invest your time and energy to become an expert bridge-builder to your daughter’s heart.

The ABC's of Fathering a Daughter

Ever since the release of John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, many of us have been referring to women as “Venusians” and men as “Martians.”

I realize that guys got the short end of the stick on that label in being called “Martians” (sorry men!), but regardless of descriptions, this book really does sum up the obvious: men and women are from two different planets.

And even though we’re living in an era where gender equality and gender fluidity are hot button issues with the blending together of distinctions that differentiate our two species, my firm belief is this:

As males and females, we don’t think the same. We don’t talk the same. We don’t feel the same. We don’t live the same. Our wiring is different. Our needs are different. Our priorities are different…and on it goes.

This brings to mind something that one of the men in my dad’s group said a few years ago. Andy wasn’t sure of the name of the original book title so in talking about the differences between men and women he said,

“Women really are from Venus and men are from…is it Pluto?!”

He didn’t say it to be funny, but we all roared with laughter. I told him that I actually liked his version better than the original!

Experts say that the distance between Mars and Venus is anywhere between 35 and 222 million miles while the distance between Venus and Pluto is actually three billion miles. Truth be told, this larger number is probably more accurate in reflecting the gap between men and women much of the time, wouldn’t you agree?!

For a lot of dads who are on this journey of intentionally pursuing their daughter’s hearts after there’s been distance or challenge, they resign themselves to believing their relationship can’t be any closer than it is now.

They inadvertently accept that the three-billion-mile gap is something that can’t be changed.

So I’m standing here shouting a message of hope to these dads---and to each of you--- saying,

“Yes, it can be changed…and healed…
but YOU are the one who has to move your planet closer to hers.”

If you’re ready to step forward as a dialed-in dad, either to take the first step or keep the proactive steps going, here’s a starting place for change that I simply call “The ABC’s of Fathering.”

Action.

I’m guessing that every one of you had a favorite superhero growing up. I’m also guessing that the reason you identified with your particular crime fighter was because he took action. Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion? Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering. In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart. And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you would like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to): daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually.

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality guy and not a dud is to model the kind of man you want her to walk down the aisle to. You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a powerful Bible verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it so she doesn’t have to live with unfulfilled or dashed hope. And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, stay-the-course dad is a daughter:

• Whose heart will stay open (the opposite of a “sick heart”)

• Who will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree”

• Who will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed by research)

So there it is. Your “A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it. And there’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and the dad your daughter needs you to be.

Teaching Your Daughter to Stand Up to You (Guest Blog by Jim Jackson)

Today's guest blog is written by Jim Jackson, co-founder of Connected Families and co-author of Discipline that Connects with Your Child's Heart with his wife Lynne Jackson. Their ministry and overall mission is to inspire and equip parents with resources such as online courses, podcasts, and more in light of real-life circumstances. I hope that Jim's story of his daughter touches your heart today.
~ Dr. Michelle

Early in life it became clear that my little girl, Bethany, loved pleasing people. If what she wanted was not what others wanted, she'd give in to the energy of whomever it was she was eager to please. This is a great trait when obedience to a parent was the issue, but not so great when it came to standing up for herself on the playground. For a short season I would figuratively pat myself on the back whenever Bethany quickly and willingly did what I asked. What a great parent I was! Or not.

Maybe the way kids respond to our parenting is not as much about our great (or not so great) parenting as it is about the combination of their personality, developmental stage, and in Bethany's case, fear of disappointing.

As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that in order to keep the peace and please people, Bethany would say yes to things that it might be best for her to say no to. For example, her grandma used to love to give Bethany a big kiss every time she saw her. Not just any kiss, but a big sloppy wet kiss. I knew that Bethany hated how this felt, but that she was more interested in pleasing Gramma than in standing up for herself. So she'd let Gramma kiss her, and then get anxious every time it was time to visit Gramma.

At first I didn't think it was a significant issue. But as I looked into her future it occurred to me that the sooner Bethany learned to stand up for herself when appropriate, the stronger she would be to set good boundaries for herself as she grew up. So I invented the "not the way it works" game.

The inspiration for the game came from Gramma, who before kissing 5-year-old Bethany would say, "If you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" See what she did there? Of course Bethany wanted no part of not loving Gramma, so she'd oblige, even though she didn't like the kiss. Imagine how this could play out over time with others - particularly with young men. Not that any young man would ever use that phrase on my precious offspring - but just in case - the "not the way it works" game was born.

It started out simply enough. "Bethany" I'd say from the comfort of my recliner, "If you love me, you'll go get me a blanket." She'd bring the blanket and then I'd say, "Good. Now, if you love me, you'll give me a big kiss!" and I'd pucker up. I could see the discomfort of her tension, wanting to please, but not wanting my spit on her face. Just as she reluctantly turned my way I'd say, "Bethany. It's OK to say no to this if you don't want a kiss because you can love me but not kiss me. So give it a try."

It was hard for her at first, so I kept coaching her, several times a week, to say, "I love you daddy, but that's not the way it works!" I did it with fetching slippers, or scratching my back. Little by little she became more comfortable saying no.

The big test came when it was time to go to Gramma's. I worked with Bethany to respectfully let Gramma know that she was loved, but that Bethany didn't want a kiss. Bethany practiced, "I love you Gramma, but that's not the way it works. Can we just hug instead?" We high-fived!

When it was time Bethany followed the script perfectly. Gramma seemed hurt and later asked, why won't Bethany kiss me? I encouraged her to ask Bethany directly, which she did. Bethany responded, "I don't like lip kisses. I just like hugs." That seemed good enough for Gramma and has never been an issue since, and Bethany stopped being anxious about going to Gramma's.

Over the years I have played the "If you love me" game less frequently. Even into her 20's I'd play it once in awhile as a throwback, and Bethany still answers with confidence, "That's not the way it works!" The best news is that when pressed by young men to do things she’d rather not do she gives the same answer - with confidence.

I realize in the writing of this that there is a fine line between obeying parents and being manipulated by parents. Using this strategy over the years helped me better define that line and stay respectful not just of Bethany but of all three of my kids when making parental requests.

Today, Bethany has a healthy view of authority and sets good boundaries for herself in relationships of all kinds. She'd tell you today that she still struggles a bit with people-pleasing, but that it's never gotten her in any regrettable trouble. And she’ll also tell that Lynne and I both helped her learn what love without strings is all about, and she’s now making great relationships choices as she forges her way through life.

Dad, Be the Positive Voice She Hears Even When You're Not in the Room

You may have heard it said that females speak approximately 20,000 per day while males use 7,000. Is that a crazy significant variance or what?! That’s essentially a 3:1 ratio where women talk three times more than men…every…single…day.

Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, reports that women also have many more “communication events” per day than men.

She says this includes all that is communicated, beyond mere words.

I know you know exactly what I’m talking about because you experience this with all the women in your life, right? Whether you’re interacting with your wife, girlfriend, daughters, female co-workers, etc., you’re often left completely lost and confused because of the way we as women pick up on everything, whether spoken or unspoken.

Dr. Brizendine continues by citing that women tend to activate nonverbal communication cues through body language, eyebrow raising, and gestures. And not only do women use more words per day compared to men (I know this is a big shock to all of you men!), but women remember more words than men. This is how our brains are wired.

In short, words have great value to females, whether they are communicated orally or in writing.

In relation to your daughter, these factors underscore the importance of speaking vitalizing words into her life because she holds on to words. The words spoken to her play over and over and over in her head, both positive and negative.

As her dad, your words can either suck life out of her or they can breathe life into her. It’s your choice.

I’ve often said that a little Dr. Phil (McGraw) goes a long way. Yet this quote bears repeating. I once heard him say something that has stuck with me: “No relationship is neutral: You are either contributing to or contaminating the relationship.”

In light of this, allow yourself to consider whether your communication with your girl is characterized most by:

• Not speaking (which is neutral---a.k.a. not positive) to her and therefore falls under the contamination category)

• Speaking negatively to her or criticizing her (as a pattern)

• Regularly communicating words of life to her (this includes loving correction as well as affirmation)

If you haven’t fully realized the value and impact of the words you speak to your daughter, start today by choosing daily to speak words of life into her.

Her soul and spirit need your truth so she can replay your words as a counterpoint to any negative self-talk or negativity she hears from others.

Why not stop what you’re doing right now and text her, email her, call her, FaceTime her, or write her a note just to tell her that you love her and are so thankful that you get to be her dad.

She’ll remember it forever. And trust me, she needs it.

Dad, your words have the power to build up or tear down, to heal or destroy. Be the positive, life-breathing voice in her head…today.

One Thing Your Kids Need to Hear You Say to Your Wife - And it's Not What You Think (Guest Blog by John Finch)

John is the founder of The Father Effect Ministries and is also the creator and storyteller of a documentary called The Father Effect Movie, which is available at thefathereffect.com. John has also written a powerful book, The Father Effect: Hope and Healing from a Dad’s Absence, where he shares his story of losing his dad to suicide at the age of 11.

~ Dr. Michelle

A few years ago, I was driving my family to a restaurant for dinner and I said something to my wife I should not have said in a tone I should not have used. There was a long silence. I realized the mistake I had made and I turned to my wife and said, "I'm so sorry for saying that. Will you forgive me?". She turned to me and said, "Yes, I forgive you." I explained to her why I was sorry and why I said what I did out of frustration. She reassured me it was okay.

My oldest daughter, who was sitting right behind my wife in the passenger's seat, said, "Dad, thank you."

I responded, "For what?"

She said, "For apologizing to mom." She was listening in on our conversation and I didn't even realize it.

There were two things I learned that day. 

1. Our kids are paying attention to our conversations more than we think and we have to be aware and careful about what we say to one another and the tone we use.

2. We have to model what it looks like to ask for forgiveness. 

What your kids observe outside your home often times isn't humility and forgiveness. Most people love blaming someone else and do not want to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices and actions. And, even more importantly, because we are not perfect as parents, there will be times we will need to be forgiven.

You are modeling what your kids believe a healthy relationship and marriage is supposed to be like.

Be intentional about admitting you are wrong and apologizing to your spouse in front of your kids. They need to see you do it to know how it's done and they won't know how it's done unless you show them.

25 Things Your Daughter Really Needs From Her Dad

Even though I’m not a researcher, I actually did some of my own data collection for my first book that I know you’ll love! Because I want you as dads to reap the benefits of hearing from girls and women who are the same ages as your daughters, I’ll take you along with me on this journey of discovery.

Here’s the question I asked of as many girls and women as I could find:

What do you really need from your dad?

Then I added a short addendum to my request:

“This is your opportunity to use your voice to help dads across America by answering this question and telling me the top five things you really need from your dad.”

Not only did the responses start pouring in, but I honestly hadn’t expected that level of enthusiastic response!

The youngest participant was nine years old while the oldest was 89, again reflecting the relevance of this topic to girls and women across the lifespan. This question seemed to spark something in the hearts of females that spurred them to want their voices to be heard.

So here is a profound look inside the inner world of women. I trust that you’ll hear their hearts and not just see a list of entitled requests from demanding females.

The truth is that these aren’t just wants. These are needs. Their honest, heartfelt feedback is here to let you know what girls and women are really thinking and what they are really longing for from their dads.

Here are the 25 most mentioned things that a daughter really needs from her dad:

1. Time (“To show interest and involvement in my life,” “To be available”)

2. Affirmation (“Approval,” “Praise,” “Hear him say out loud ‘I love you’”)

3. Affection (“Hugs,” “Physical touch”)

4. Unconditional love (“For who I am regardless of my failures”)

5. Apologize

6. Be proud of me (“To know I’m not a disappointment to him,” “No judgment,” “Less criticism,” “Faith in me”)

7. Tell me I’m beautiful (“Compliment me, especially about my looks”)

8. Talk to me and open up about himself, his pain, his faults, his hopes (“Let me see that he is human, that he fails, that he makes mistakes, and then show me how to make it right,” “Time alone where I get to know him and his childhood”)

9. Pursue me (“Desire to get to know me,” “Interactive conversation where he is asking me questions about myself,” “To actively seek me out and find out what I am doing, what I am interested in, WHO I am”)

10. Prayers

11. To work on his temper so I can feel safe (“Not to crush my spirit”)

12. Not to change me (“To let me be me,” “be accepted for myself—not for what I did or failed to do”)

13. Honesty (“I need him to be honest with himself. When he's honest with himself, it frees him to be honest with me”)

14. Just listen

15. Guidance

16. Protection

17. Sense of humor

18. Teach me about things

19. Be an adventurer…with me

20. Instead of not being there, please be there (“Instead of handing me money, ask to come with me and take me shopping or out to lunch”)

21. Tell me you love being my dad

22. Believe in me

23. Never give up on our family

24. Show me how a real man treats a woman

25. Support my ideas and dreams

Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. And every single response comes from a daughter’s heart longing for connection and relationship with dad coupled with love and affirmation from dad.

My deep and passionate desire is for dads across America (and the world) to step up and step in to their roles as fathers. We can’t go one more day without every dad being all that his daughter needs him to be in her life.

Why is this urgent and important? Because a daughter who knows she is loved and adored by her dad will pass along that same gift to the world around her.

Dad, I implore you to take five things from this list, the ones that most strongly resonate with your core values, and put them into action now.

Be the dad your daughter needs you to be…today.