To Fight or Not To Fight, That is the Question: Navigating Dad-Daughter Conflicts

One of my favorite things is receiving emails from dads and daughters who ask questions about how to better their relationship. Not that I always have the perfect answer, but there’s something refreshing about an authentic, heart-felt inquiry that opens an honest interaction. I respect the courage it takes to ask vulnerable questions that have the potential to start movement towards proactive change.

Here’s a question I received not long ago from a young woman:

Hi Michelle,
I think it would be helpful if you talked to dads about how to handle disagreements. My stepdad and I had a big fight over the weekend and it left me feeling like although we have improved our daily relationship, nothing has changed when it comes to the big stuff. I think it would help the fathers that you work with to learn conflict resolution skills.

Dad, as you consider what she wrote, let me ask you a question:

Does this sound like a woman who wants a better relationship with her stepdad or one who doesn’t care about how they relate?

I tend towards believing that she must care about their relationship or she wouldn’t have written me. I also hear her implying that her stepdad bears the primary weight of responsibility in moving their relationship in a better direction, which happens to be something I agree with.
Here’s why:

• You, Dad, have to lead by example

• Change has to begin with you

• You must set the tone for how you want your daughter to respond to you and to others by modeling healthy interactions with her.

Let me be more specific. If your daughter yells at you and you yell back, you’ve just given her permission to speak similarly and you’re essentially condoning this kind of interpersonal dynamic in your family. And that is where things quickly disintegrate and deteriorate (which you already know, right?!). Therefore, you can’t justify a harsh reaction when she has a disrespectful response to you or there’s no parent in the lead.

You have to dig deep and pray a lot in order to model to her the response you want to see from her.

Believe it or not, your daughter doesn’t like it when her relationship with you is off kilter. In fact, we girls don’t do well when our primary relationships are out of sync. And guess what else I’ve discovered? You men want the same thing!

Here are a few ideas to help you as a father lead your daughter in resolving conflict:

Dad, I realize that it’s super hard, if not impossible, to pursue your daughter’s heart when one or both of you are angry. I encourage you to walk away in the heat of the moment and give yourself a break that is as long as your age. If you are 40, then take a 40-minute time out to breathe and calm down.

I also know that in order to lead your daughter in a way that is congruent with your heart goals you will need to embrace humility and gentleness while remembering how much she deeply matters to you (as opposed to focusing on her reaction to your reaction or vice versa)

This week I’d love to see you choose one thing from this list of ten resolution ideas and let me know how it works…in the trenches.

Turn the fight to right by leading with love. It’s the best way to diffuse a disagreement…every single time.

The Garrison of Comparison

I can’t believe how often I get nicked by “the garrison of comparison.” That’s what I’ve been calling it lately.

A garrison is “a body of troops stationed in a fortified place.”

This definition creates a picture in my mind of the people I compare myself to. When I was younger, it showed up in the form of sibling rivalry. Now it’s more about others who are succeeding in areas where I wish I was. The reality is that I see all of these people standing around me as a “body of troops” and I’m the one stuck in the middle, the one who ends up feeling immobilized and trapped, “stationed in a fortified place” when I size my life up next to theirs.

I often describe this kind of thinking as being in a hamster wheel, running fast, yet going nowhere.

I wish I didn’t do this or think like this. I wish I could stay in my lane without looking in my peripheral vision to see the “runner” next to me. Yet whether I’m looking at someone else’s successes or opportunities or at their body shape or martial status (this was significant before I was married), it too often catches me by surprise. And once it grabs hold, it doesn’t let go very easily.

As you hear me say these things, do any of my words remind you of things you’ve heard your daughter express?

If she hasn’t revealed them to you, I would venture a guess that she’s been garrisoned by the trap of comparison just like I have. And I imagine that it’s seeking a stranglehold on her, just like it has on me.

So what can you do to guide your daughter to avoid the comparison trap?

1. Ask her to share how or where or in what ways she compares herself to others.

2. Tell her what you see when you view her life---work ethic, commitment, endurance, generosity, strength of character, etc.---so she can replay your perspective to combat her critical thoughts.

Perhaps, like me, you’ve read II Corinthians 10:12 that says comparing and measuring ourselves to others not only isn’t wise, but it’s like “moving into someone else’s territory” (The Message Bible). That really is what it’s like when we don’t stay in our lane to run our own unique race that’s set before us.

I want to be free from comparison. I’m sure your daughter does too.

So I decided to take some action and created a visual diagram. [This is a practical exercise to do with your daughter].

I drew a circle with the word “me” in the center. Then I wrote the names of people in my life who I compare myself to all around that circle. There in black and white I had to admit that jealousy comes up for me even though I love these friends and celebrate their gifts and opportunities.

I noticed the negative feelings I had inside as I faced the harsh realities before me.

But then, by way of contrast, I drew a second picture. Again, I started with a circle and wrote “me” in the center, but this time I wrote the names of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit) around me.

Immediately I felt calm inside. It was almost as if I was getting a hug from the Three of Them! I realized anew that when I look at my reflection in Their mirror, I’m at peace with who I am and where I am.

[If you or your daughter aren’t comfortable relating to God in this way, you could make your second picture such that all around your daughter are the names of those in your family and her life who unconditionally love her, independent of anything she does or doesn‘t do, and ask her to notice how she feels].

I trust that wherever your daughter is at, you will reinforce the truth that she is precious just the way she is. Whether her body is too this or too that, whether she has or has not, whether she’s got it or doesn’t, whether she’s up or she’s down, the most important things to reinforce are that:

• You love her fully just the way she is

• God has His hand on her life, even if she can’t feel it

• As she keeps looking to God for the truth of her identity, she’ll be happier and steadier in her own lane, being her authentic self

That’s the beautiful kind of “fortified place” that will bring her safety, security and peace.

Trick or Treat: A New Spin on Fathering

With Halloween being just two days away, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my dad-daughter Friday blog. So here goes!

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was three or four. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a Bohemian girl. Just picture me as the one with bright red lipstick and a black beauty mark penciled onto my cheek, wearing an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf covered in plastic coins on my head. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. I love these stories because they show his creativity, ingenuity, and resourcefulness, ranging from him being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a box. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He cut holes into a box that he got at the grocery store for his arms and legs, with one for his head, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I will admit that I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story. But then I honestly applauded him for his brilliant imagination as he rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the level of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a child.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well.

A dad who “tricks” his daughter will:

• Put his needs before hers on a regular basis

• Teach her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than"

• Tease her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell

• Criticize her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way

• Use her for his sexual pleasure and rob her of her innocence

• Contribute to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn

• Make her never trust God as her Father because she can’t trust him as her earthly father

And now, let’s move on to the good news. Here are a few ways that a dad can positively “treat” his daughter so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well will:

• Tell her daily that he loves her and why he loves her

• Notice the things that have meaning to her and then share in them with her

• Provide for her needs

• Buy a special treat for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value

• Love her mom (and if divorced, only speak positive words or not say anything negative)

• Affirm her positive qualities

• Gently and lovingly set boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her

• Listen twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she is worthy of being listened to

• Pursue her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her

• Enjoy the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh

• Have fun doing activities together that strengthen their bond, understanding that every one is another page in her “forever book"

• Build the bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father because he’s been trustworthy, connectable, and invested as a dad

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the best man in her life, one who treats her with dignity and value so she will always know and believe that she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this All Hallows Eve, I say, “bring on the treats!”