Dads: Six Essential Love “Do’s and Don’ts” for Your Daughter (Guest blog by Dr. Meg Meeker)

Dr. Meg Meeker and I have become friends over the years as we share a similar passion for equipping fathers of daughters to dial into their heart space. I believe her words will inspire you to be better dads by hearing her insights into your daughter’s unique needs. ~ Michelle

Men love differently than women. That’s why you scratch your head in confusion when your daughter or wife cries and insists that you don’t understand. They want you to know what they want, like, and need, without ever telling you. You, on the other hand, love deeply but differently.

Attention and Adoration

As you work on your relationship with your daughter, you must remember that different things will make her feel loved than what make you feel loved. 

First, she feels loved when you pay attention to her. When she comes home from a soccer game and you ask if she wants to go have ice cream because you want to hear all about the game, she feels loved. When she goes on a date and comes home at midnight, she feels loved if you are waiting up for her. Sure, you can ask her how her time was, but the mere fact that you cared enough to make sure she got home safely makes her feel deeply loved.

Women, like men, want to feel that someone in their lives adores them. Adoration is the sense that you can do no wrong. Why should you communicate this to your daughter when she, of course, makes mistakes? Because she needs it from you. Because she needs it from you, your daughter has a space in her heart that is designed for you alone. No one else can occupy that spot.

When you express your adoration to her, she realizes that you have a spot in your heart just for her. A father who adores his daughter holds her in high esteem, wants only the best for her, and feels that no one in the world compares with her. She is more beautiful, kinder, and stronger than all women (or girls) her age. Every daughter wants her father to feel this way about her. And she wants her father to express this to her.

Our culture ties girls in knots, and your daughter is no exception. Not matter how hard you try to isolate her from the ugly influences of a world that sexualizes and degrades women, you can’t. And since you are the primary means by which she develops a healthy sense of beauty and sexuality, when it comes to shaping these in her, it’s on your shoulders. When it comes to loving your daughter, remember these important ideas:

1. Do tell her that you love her. Tell her as frequently as feels natural to you. Sometimes you may feel timid, but press through the discomfort. Every daughter need to hear I love you, from her dad.

2. Do express adoration. Let her know that she is the apple of your eye. If you have multiple daughters, tell each one of them at different times.

3. Do believe in her. If the two of you don’t get along well and fight constantly, you can still show her than you believe in her. Examine her character and find what is good in her. Look deeply into her life and find her natural gifts. Then, communicate to her that you are her “number one fan.” Tell her that you know she can succeed. You know that she is smarter than she thinks, wiser than she believes, and far more capable than she realizes. Communicating this is extremely important because most girls, particularly during the teen years, feel terribly inadequate, dumb, and unattractive. You need to really amp up your positive comments during the tough times and help her combat these feelings.

4. Don’t remark on her weight – EVER. No pet names for parts of her body, no calling her “sexy”, and no telling her that she is chubby or that she could stand to lose a few pounds. No matter what you say about her weight, she will her in her mind, My dad thinks I’m fat; therefore I am ugly. Since you can’t win, avoid this. I can’t tell you the number of messes that I’ve been involved in undoing with daughters whose fathers have innocently commented about their weight as they grow up.

5. Don’t remark on her looks very often. I know that this feels counterintuitive. Shouldn’t every girl know that her dad thinks she is beautiful? Of course; but don’t overdo it. You don’t want her to feel like appearance is a priority to you. Remember, when you comment on something, it lets the hearer know that the topic is significant to you (otherwise why would you comment on it?). You want to be sure that your daughter knows that what you really cherish about her is her inner beauty. So talk about that.

6. Don’t spare words of encouragement or affection. Girls use more works, and they bond through words. Girls feel that words connect them with others. So tell you daughter what you admire about her and tell her why. I promise that if you are sincere, your words will change the woman that she becomes.

Dad, I know this is a lot of information to take in, so how about taking one item from this list and then commit to putting it into action this week now that you know what to DO to put your love for your daughter into action!

Pediatrician, mother, and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is one of the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens, and children’s health. She has written a phenomenal classic that every dad of a daughter must read, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, as well as Hero, which is a powerful affirmation of fatherhood that shows men how being a strong, active father can be their greatest triumph. Copyright ©Dr. Meg Meeker. Used by permission.

Transfer of Power

You can breathe a sigh of relief because I promise you that this isn’t a political post! I’m only using this concept as a reference point to talk about fathering.

Let me ask you a question: What comes to mind when you read the three words in the title of this blog, Transfer of Power?

I’m guessing that your immediate thought ties to a change of position or roles between political leaders or administrative parties. That’s what comes to mind when I hear those words too.

During our recent election season I heard this phrase used repeatedly. And because my mind is always thinking about fathers and daughters, I found myself pondering how a similar dynamic happens (or should be happening) in homes when it comes to preparing kids to launch. Just to clarify, I’m referencing that time when a daughter (or son) officially heads into adulthood around the age of 18. 

There really is a transfer of power, especially when she (or he) steps out from under the parental roof. 

Since this child-to-adult transition is inevitable, the question I pose to you as dads is this:

What steps are you taking to prepare your daughter to be independent, confident, and self-assured as she moves into adulthood?

Here’s one way to build a framework that addresses this question as taught to me by a colleague whose insight was honed from raising two children, as well as hosting 100 foster teenagers. 

“By the age of 18, most kids are making the bulk of their own decisions, so why not let them make 50% of their own decisions by the time they’re nine years old. Then when they’re 14 or 15, let 75% of their decisions be their own. You want to let them succeed and fail while you as the parent are there to help them work through it.”

When I first heard this idea, it seemed ludicrous! Who lets their nine year old make 50% of their own decisions? Yet as I’ve given it more thought, I can see the wisdom in it.

The more your daughter is empowered to think for herself--which includes learning the hard way, making mistakes, falling down and failing, but then getting back up while having parental support---the more empowered she will be to carry herself in a similar way outside your home.   

And what dad doesn’t want his little girl to be strong and assertive, to be one who doesn’t follow the crowd but stands on her own two feet while thinking for herself?

Yet as good as all of that sounds in theory, remember that if you want your daughter to embody those qualities outside your home, she’s going to have to learn how to use those skills inside your home. In other words, your home is her training ground. 

And you, Dad, can support her process of transition into adulthood long before the day of her actual launch while strategically enhancing her level of success just by the way you interact with her every day until then.

And I am still keeping my promise for this not a political post, yet feel compelled to highlight something else that sadly has been the hallmark of this election season. Hasn’t this been the most intense and hostile political atmosphere that you’ve ever witnessed? 

This brings to mind a powerful challenge that a friend of mine, Brooke Perry, created as a grid to lead high school students that she pastors: 

1. Ask questions.

2. Listen well.

3. Disagree freely.

4. Love regardless.

Wouldn’t these four directives have been a game-changer during this election season? 

That said, I wonder how you as a dad might be able to take this grid and apply it to your relationship with your daughter as she matures and prepares to leave your home. Maybe this could even serve as a guide if she’s making choices that don’t have your highest approval rating. 

I know you want your daughter to succeed. You want to save her from heartache and regret. That’s why you sometimes want to step in and take over. I understand that. But that’s when it may be time to take to heart the words of Robert F. Kennedy, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” It seems to be part of the process for us all, doesn’t it?

So, what can you do to create a peaceful transfer of power with your daughter?

1. Be the safe place where she can land when she falls.

2. Make sure not to shame her in her process of learning.

3. Reflect back on your bumpy road to maturity.

4. When you think you can’t be any more patient, dig even deeper.

5. Pray for God to give you grace to stay calm while guiding her.

6. Remove harshness and anger from your communication style [a.k.a. soften your tone].

7. Know that she won’t always do things your way and that’s okay.

8. Remember that she’ll be more open to your opinion if she asks for it.

9. Listen twice as much as you talk.

10. Daily communicate love for who she is regardless of what she does or doesn’t do.

11. Always wrap your criticism or correction in positive affirmation on the front and back end of the conversation.

12. Remind her regularly that her uniqueness will leave a mark on the world as she steps out and uses her gifts to impact others for good.

Dad, I know that your heart will ache as your daughter leaves the nest, but as you prepare her for the future, rest assured that the transfer of power from you to her will be stronger, healthier, and more peaceful if she has your support. She wants you to be proud of her, to trust her, and to give her grace, especially if she doesn’t always get it right on the first try.

Let your daughter know today that you are cheering her on as she steps forward into the next season of her life!

The Scary Side of Fathering a Daughter

Since tomorrow is Halloween I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do a little play on words as I write my Dad-Daughter Friday blog this week!

I’ve interacted with a lot of dads over the past six years, hearing stories not only about their love of being a father to a daughter, but also about their legitimate  ambivalence over the enormity of the task. Here’s my synthesis of those conversations, which I’m simply calling “the SCARY side of fathering a daughter.”  

This emotional reality for dads take place when:

• She requires more of your words, time, money, and energy than you had expected or realized when she was in the womb.

• Her moods change faster than you change your socks and you literally cannot always keep up or figure her out. 

• She asks you the hard questions that aren’t just about why the sky is blue and the world is round, but instead wants to know about your past and mistakes you’ve made because she wants to know the truth about who you really are.

• You wake up one day and realize she’s not a little girl anymore and now “that boy” seems to have taken up residence in her heart space, in the exact same place that used to have a “No Boys Allowed” sign on the door.

• You blew it and got angry and have the renewed awareness that you have the power to damage your precious flower in one fell swoop if you’re not careful.

• You fear the outcome as you tentatively walk into her room, all the while feeling the cold prickly chill in the air and noticing that her emotional walls are up, yet you go in anyway as you seek to break through the wall.

• You face the fact that the older she gets you really have little to no control over what she does when she’s outside your house because now it’s time for her to make her own choices (ones that may not line up with “the way you raised her”).

• You realize you are a physical representation on earth of her Father in heaven and are keenly aware that this assignment is way over your head.

Dad, do any of these things bring up fear inside your soul? I imagine they do. I realize there’s not a one-size-fits-all solution to take care of the intense realities that you face as a father.

But at the same time, I believe that the little things you do can yield big dividends. 

I’d like to suggest a five-step path to support your heart goal of being a dialed-in dad even with the FRIGHTENING and CONFUSING dynamics that may rise inside you. When the task at hand requires more than you sometimes believe you can master here are a few things to keep in mind. 

I’ll use your five senses for easy recall on how to press in order to pursue your daughter’s heart: 

1.See…

Make eye contact with her every day. And because they say that “eyes are the window to the soul,” you’ll be able to tell how she’s really doing if you get close enough to look into her baby blues (or browns or greens). In an often hostile world, your eyes of love will go a long way toward making her believe she’ll make it because she’ll see her reflection of worth and value in the mirror of your eyes.

2.Hear…

Active listening means leaning forward, nodding your head, setting down your remote and cell phone while paying attention to what she’s saying (long as it may be). If you repeat back the words she says it will help you stay engaged rather than zoning out or inactively listening, especially if you’re tired after a long day or are honestly disinterested in the drama encircling her life. Remember that her world is centered around relationships and when you listen with patience and kindness, it lets her know she matters to you.

3.Smell…

Did you know that our sense of smell syncs with the part of our brain that is tied to learning and emotion? Because we link scents to events, you can help create a bonding, soothing, positive memory experience for your daughter (particularly if she’s in “one of her moods”) by enhancing the aromatic space around her. Practical Idea: Buy her a candle or perfume of her favorite scent to use as aromatherapy when she’s stressed. [Calm daughter = calm dad. Better said: Compassionate, patient, steady dad = calm daughter.]

4.Taste…

It’s hard to be upset when enjoying a fun tasty treat that I like to call a “happy flavor.” (If you’ve ever tried Passion Tea Lemonade at Starbucks, you’ll know what I mean). As a way to stay current with your ever-growing daughter, find out what her favorite tastes are and then find a way connect via that food or drink. You could even surprise her by bringing her that favorite food to brighten her day. (A current Abba Project Dad just drove to his 17-year daughter’s school during lunch to bring her a favorite meal. She told me that she can’t stop talking about it! I say, “Way to go dad in creating a forever memory for your daughter!”)

5.Touch…

If safe touch calms babies, how can it not be what we still need as we age? Find a way to make physical contact with your daughter every day. Embrace her with a hug. Kiss her cheek. Squeeze her hand. Give her a high five. Wrestle with her. (An Abba Project Dad said that he stopped wrestling with his 18-year old daughter as she “developed physically” around the age of 13, but when they started wrestling again while he was in the group, he beamed as he described the positive relational benefits they were experiencing due to more healthy physical contact.)

Whatever age and stage your daughter is in can be the perfect time to let your five senses lead the way to actively communicating love to your girl.

Let today be the day you take action so that the SCARY side to fathering loses its grip. By proactively moving beyond your fear you will be going the extra mile to prove to yourself and to your daughter that real dads don’t back off when they’re SCARED!

Three Little Words That Will Change Your Daughter's Life (and they're not "I love you")

My dad, like every dad, has things he’s done right and things he’s done wrong when it comes to parenting.

There are things he’s proud of (especially the things that were 180 degrees different from what his dad modeled to him) and things he’d rather forget. 

But from my vantage point as a daughter there is one thing in particular that my dad did right, one thing that stands out among the rest, one thing that has touched my heart deeply and has gone a long way to remedy the mistakes, blunders, and the wishes for do-overs. 

It’s a little three-word response that my dad has said so many times over the years that I’ve lost count by now. They are simply:

“Anything for you.”

I wish I could play you a sound byte so you could hear his tone of voice when saying these words, but I assure you that they’re always said in a really kind way.  I don’t know how he’s pulled it off for decades now, but this is truly where he’s gotten it right time and again.

These words are grace. 
These words are mercy. 
These words are generous.
These words are unmerited favor.
These words are good for my heart. Really good. The hot-fudge-with-whipped-cream-and-sprinkles kind of good.

I can’t explain how three little words can change everything, but they do.

I’m guessing there are times my dad truly hasn’t wanted to step up to the plate and give of himself to meet my needs, but he doesn’t let me know that part. He just says these three magic words and gives them as a gift to me. 

And because my “emergencies” and his schedule don’t always line up, this is definitely a priority thing on his part. Whether it was my broken down car on the side of the road, my water heater that went out at 9 pm. and meant he had to drive over late at night when he’d rather be winding down, or the times he’s insisted on mowing my lawn despite his hip causing him pain and being in need of surgery. He has cared about the things, little and big, that matter to me.

You may not know this but my dad literally lacked a role model in the fathering department. His dad was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when he was only seven or eight years old. Suffice it to say, being a father was the last thing my dad had a clue about, especially being the father to four girls! But somehow he learned (and was willing to learn) from watching other dads, which proves that any dad can turn things around in his generation regardless of the template he’s been given.

Truth be told, sometimes life has a way of communicating and reinforcing a message to us women telling us that we ask too much. For me personally (when this view is in the forefront), I wind up believing that I need to prove that I’m tough and can navigate things on my own without asking anyone for help, let alone my dad.

But this really isn’t healthy. Or good. Or realistic.

It’s a paradigm that spells disaster because we’re created to need connection and relationship. Simon and Garfunkel understood this concept in spades as they captured the heartache of someone who is closed off from love in their 1965 hit song I am a Rock:

"I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries." 

Bottom line:
1. Relationships dispel isolation.
2. It doesn’t work to be self-sufficient where we pretend to be without needs.

Dad, you have the power and the privilege to meet your daughter’s needs, whether or not they seem legitimate or of high priority to you. Listen to what she says and then offer to come alongside and offer your help.

Why not take the step today and add this life-changing vocal triad to your dad-daughter repertoire. 

You’ll get to watch the core of your daughter’s soul take flight as she hears you respond to her convenient and inconvenient requests with these three little yet BIG words:

“Anything for you.”

How to Help Your Daughter Find Her Muchness

I can’t imagine that many of you dads have seen Tim Burton’s 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland. But then again, maybe you have! 

One of the reasons I love this film is because of the way it parallels the developmental process of a young girl who is struggling to figure out her place in her own life story.

At first glance this may seem like a story that doesn’t have much relevance to the father-daughter relationship. But if you take a second look, I believe there’s a powerful lesson for you, Dad, if you’d like another insight for understanding your ever-growing daughter.

The movie begins with our heroine, a teenage Alice Kingsleigh, who inadvertently tumbles down a rabbit hole (for a second time in her life), only to find herself trapped inside a strange land that has turned her world upside down and backwards (all references to adolescent stages of maturity are merely coincidental!). Alice has no memory of having ever been there before, a position that is supported by the quirky Mad Hatter (played by Johnny Depp) who tells her that she couldn’t possibly be “the real Alice” he had met years earlier because the last time she had been there she was “much more…muchier.” 

Then he hits a home run insult by adding, “you’ve lost your “muchness.”

When I first heard that line, it wrapped itself instantly around my core, even as an adult. I actually started crying as those words reverberated inside me as if in full range stereo. There was something about them that immediately struck a cord in me as a woman. I too wondered if I had lost my muchness somewhere along the way. I just hadn’t ever worded it quite like that, which is why it took my breath away.

 For me, just like for Alice, the word “much” hasn’t always been a positive word. The first memory I have stored in the invisible file cabinet inside my brain is tucked in a folder with the word “much” on it.

The entry has to do with four powerful words that were stated year after year by my elementary teachers on my report cards:  

“ Michelle talks too much.”

(cue visual memories of standing in the school hallway as punishment for my inability to keep my verbal comments to myself!)

Digging further into my mental file cabinet, the second item in the “much” folder is that of the innumerable comments I heard repeatedly from a guy I dated for a couple of years in my late 20’s. He seemed to thrive on telling me his version of what he thought was “too much” about me. According to him I apparently used the words “cute” and “awesome” too much, laughed too much, weighed too much, and on it went (hard to believe that I dated him for two years, which was clearly way too long!). 

Basically it was the same theme (as in childhood), different day.

Here’s where I can relate to Alice: Somewhere along the way I began to doubt that I was enough: good enough, strong enough, thin enough, this enough, that enough. As a result, I got lost in my own developmental process and was drawn to a guy who reinforced the lies, a guy who seemed to ally with the insecure part of me that was looking for someone outside of myself to validate and approve of me. 

Alice, at the end of the movie, accepts the fact that she has to confront something that terrifies her. As she steps forward, sword in hand, she shouts her heroic battle cry and declares, “lost my muchness, have I?”

Though afraid, she boldly faces her fear as she fights and then slays the dreaded Jabberwochy. She uncovers a newfound courage by going through the battle to discover her destiny, which ends the Red Queen’s evil reign of terror. We watch as Alice beautifully transforms from an insecure, tentative girl into a fierce warrior woman who powerfully kicks timidity to the curb.

But the deeper truth is that she faced her own dragon and in the process, found herself.

• Has your daughter discovered and found her muchness? (that part of her that is passionate and scared… all at the same time; that part of her that wears you out sometimes, but is tied to her calling and gifting and makes her uniquely spectacular)

• Have you encouraged her to find her muchness by taking steps outside of her comfort zone while you provide support?

• Is there a battle she needs to face that holds the key to her embracing her muchness?

Dad, foster your daughter’s muchness. Or if she’s lost it, help her find it again.

• Make sure to tell her that she can do whatever she believes is possible. 

• Tell her that she has to face her fears in order to be fierce. 

• Let her know that you will support her in any way you can (financially by funding her passions, physically with your presence, spiritually through prayer, and emotionally by listening to what she learns along the way even when interspersed with emotional upheavals) while expressing that there’s no where you’d rather be than in her cheering section because you know she has it in her to be and do more than she believes is possible. Even if she’s afraid.

Your daughter needs you to believe in her, especially when she’s unsure about how to fully believe in herself. 

And always remember that her muchness will change the world. 

The ABC's of Fathering

With this being the official start of the new school year (despite all the Covid-19 restrictions that definitely make it feel different), I thought it would be fun to take a walk down memory lane and lead you in a review of your A-B-C’s.

Of course you know I’m talking about a different use of those three letters as I introduce a new way to think about dialing into your daughter’s heart with what I like to call, “The ABC’s of Fathering.” 

action

I’m guessing that you had a favorite superhero growing up. I also assume that the reason you identified with that particular crime fighter was because he took action. Could you even imagine an impotent, lethargic, unmotivated, and distracted version of your champion? Of course not!

It’s the same with fathering. In order to be your daughter’s superhero, you have to take action to intentionally and consistently pursue her heart. And by “heart” I am referring to her core self that feels passionate and comes alive when being all of who she was created to be.

You probably already have a handle on what action steps touch your daughter’s heart, but in case you’d like an extra idea or two, action ideas include (but are not limited to): daily affirming her in written or verbal ways, showing up at events she is involved in, patiently holding her emotional reactivity, being present with your attention, listening fully, investing financially, and leading spiritually. (For more practical ideas on engaging your daughter’s heart, check out my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters).

Be the man you want her to marry.

The best way you can ensure that your daughter will marry a quality dude and not a dud is to model the kind of guy you want her to walk down the aisle to. 

You communicate more about her value and worth by the way you treat her than any lecture you could ever give. Stated otherwise, more is caught than taught. Let her experience in real time what it feels like to be treated like a lady and a woman of worth and value by you, the first man who held her heart and the one guy in the world who doesn’t have a hidden agenda in loving her.

Consistency.

There is a great verse that says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is like a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12). This essentially means that if you make a promise to your daughter, keep it or she’ll shut down and lose her vibrancy.

And the result of being a promise-keeping, heart-pursuing, truth-speaking, tender-loving, consistent, stay-the-course dad to your daughter are as follows: 

• She will have a full heart that stays open (the opposite of being “heart sick”)

• She will be a vibrant, growing, maturing, life-giving “tree” (with limbs that reach up to the heavens and reach out to love others)

• She will have greater self-confidence, more emotional stability, and succeed in reaching her life goals (all of this is confirmed in the research).  

When your daughter consistently experiences that she can trust you because your words bless her and your actions affirm her, she will internalize your view of her. Your steady, dependable, reliable, and faithful pursuit of her heart will yield dividends that last long after you’re gone. She is your forever investment.

Like you’ve heard me say before: The harder the work, the greater the value. And the harder the work, the greater the reward. Your daughter is worth the work. She is your reward.  

So there it is. A “1-2-3, A-B-C” formula with an action plan that works if you work it. Why not choose one item from the list above right now to make your focus for this upcoming school year as you grow in new ways alongside your daughter?

There’s no better time than the present to kick these ABC’s into action in order to be the dad you want to be and that your daughter needs you to be. 

At The End of Your Life...

I’m at the age where increasing numbers of friends are saying their forever goodbyes to loved ones. I can honestly say that more often than not I struggle to know how to best come alongside them in their grief. I still remember when one of my long-time friends lost her dad to cancer. Her heart deeply ached as she watched her once-strong father suffer, making his passing particularly bittersweet.

Then only three weeks later, I attended a memorial service for a well-loved, 42-year old friend of mine, a mom with three sons, whose unexpected death left a large community in shock as we all tried to wrap our minds and hearts around the fact that she was really gone.

[Her husband, Thom, has recently written an incredible memoir titled, “Good Grief: One Husband's Journey from Incapacitating Fear to Overwhelming Joy” and it’s available now. I endorsed it and highly recommend it as a resource for walking through loss.]

There’s nothing like the end of someone’s life to challenge everyone to do some serious soul searching about what really matters.

Do you ever wonder what your kids will say about you after you’re gone?

I think this is a good question to ponder. The truth is that the way you answer this question will significantly impact the way you live today…and tomorrow…and the day after that.

You know this already, but it bears repeating: We all leave a legacy. One way or another, we leave an imprint that lasts beyond our days on earth. 

Thus, I invite you to ask yourself another question, one that I often pose to dads of daughters because it leads them to be brutally honest:

At the end of my life, if my daughter had only ONE THING
to say about me, I’d want it to be...

I am always blown away at the incredible warmth and depth that arises from the hearts of fathers who share with me that they want their daughters to truly know how much they are loved by them. 

Here’s a few specific responses I’ve heard from dads in response to this question:

• That I was always there.

• That I loved her just the way she is.

• That I understand her.

• That my dad was the source of the courage and confidence I needed to take chances.

• That my dad was there when I needed him.

• That he was the best dad I could have asked for.

• That each one of my girls will say, 'I was his favorite.’

How about you? How are you completing this sentence right now? 

With pen (or phone) in hand, jot down your response and keep it written somewhere that you can see it---whether on a notecard, in your day-timer, or on your smartphone---and live today with the end in view. 

Dad, your legacy will live on into the future in direct proportion to your heart investment in your daughter’s life in the present.

P.S. If you could use more support in knowing how to open up challenging conversations with your daughter about grief and loss, I encourage you to get my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters where there is an entire section titled, Lead Her to Lament. All the scripts you’ll need to engage your daughter in deeper dialogues are there to build your competence and confidence. 

8 Secrets to Becoming an Active Daughter Listener (Guest Blog With Dr. Ken Canfield)

Today I’ve invited my husband, Dr. Ken Canfield, founder of the National Center for Fathering, to share some secrets he’s learned over the years when it comes to really listening to the women in his family. With three daughters, one daughter-in-law, and nine granddaughters, suffice it to say that he’s had lots of practice! I know you’ll appreciate hearing his practical ideas for strengthening your auditory skill set as we co-author today’s blog.    
~ Michelle

Dad, did you know that when you listen to your daughter, you actually help to build her self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence?! (Unfortunately, that’s not anything they tell you before you become a father, which is why I’m shouting this from the rooftops so you can say you heard it here!). 

This is how I explain it in my new book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters:

The truth is when a woman is listened to, she stands upright with greater self-confidence. And if the one listening to her is her father, the power of this reality increases exponentially. 

You see, a settledness takes hold in the depths of a woman’s being when she knows that she doesn’t have to shout above all the noise just to be heard. And a power takes root in her when she fully believes that she matters because what she thinks and feels matters. 

Dad, you play a very important role in validating your daughter’s worth by listening to what she has to say,

• even if what she says doesn’t fully make sense to you

• even if you disagree with her opinion or choices, and

• even if you are pushed past your limits of emotional and verbal exhaustion. 

That said, here are a few tips from Ken that you can put into ACTION today to let your daughter know that you care about what she has to say because you are listening to every word (or as many as possible, that is!)

1. Face your daughter squarely. This says, “I’m available to you; I choose to be with you.” This also means putting away or turning off all distractions, like cell phones and other screens and background noise.

2. Adopt an open posture. Crossed arms and legs say, “I’m not interested.” An open posture shows your daughter that you’re open to her and what she has to say.

3. Put yourself on your daughter’s level. Kneel, squat down, lie across her bed, lean toward her. This communicates, “I want to know more about you.”  

4. Maintain good eye contact. Have you ever talked to someone whose eyes seem to be looking at everything in the room but you? How did that make you feel? That’s not something you want your daughter to experience with you. (Time for a Dad check-in: Did you really put your cell phone away?) 

5. Stay relaxed. If you fidget nervously as your daughter is talking, she’ll think you’d rather be somewhere else. That’s counterproductive.

6. Watch your daughter. Learn to read her nonverbal behavior: posture, body movements, and gestures. Notice frowns, smiles, raised brows, and twisted lips. Listen to her voice quality and pitch, emphasis, pauses, and inflections. The way in which your daughter says something can tell you more than what she is actually saying. 

[I, Michelle, totally stand in unison with Ken on this one. Your tone of voice, Dad, can shut her down or open her up to you. Set the example with the tone of voice and attitude that you would like her to emulate.]

7. Actively give your daughter nonverbal feedback. Nod. Smile. Raise your eyebrows. Look surprised. These small signals mean more than you realize. They’ll encourage your daughter to open up even more and let you into her life.

8. The last step to listening is . . . speaking. But, before you give your response, restate in your own words what she has told you. That proves you were listening, and it also gives her the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s it exactly,” or “No, what I really mean is this …” Remember, the goal of communication is understanding the other person, not proving your point.  

There are too many adult women who lament that their fathers never cared about them or what they had to say. They didn’t feel valued then, and still don’t, even years later. 

Listening isn’t easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort if you want to raise and empowered daughter, which we both know you do!

Dad, Don't "Should" On Your Daughter

By now, dad, you know that I love giving you what I call, “insider Venusian trade secrets” so that you are more equipped to decode your daughters. Today I’m adding another tool to your fathering toolbox to support that goal. 

I don’t know what it is about the word “should” that makes it a negative, power-packed word on my planet of Venus, but I’m telling you that I literally hear this word all the time. And it ain’t good!

Here are some examples of things I’ve heard from women just this week (for real!): 

• I don’t know what’s wrong with me…I should be grateful for all the good things happening in my life, but I’m just so depressed.

• All my friends are doing things right-like saving money, moving towards marriage, buying a house, having babies, and on it goes. When I see all that’s going right for them, it makes me think of what I’m not doing and all the things I should have been doing long before now. I’m way behind where I want to be and won’t ever catch up.

• When I get around my friends, I constantly compare myself to them and think that I should be more like them. But the truth is that I feel like a fraud. I don’t fit in because they’re all prettier, richer, and more accomplished than me.

• I should be getting up earlier and spending more time with God, but I never get that right either.

• I’m so stressed right now and feel so much pressure constantly to make everyone happy and it seems that someone is always disappointed in me or mad at me. I know I should be doing more, but I can barely keep my head above water as it Is and hardly have any time for myself.

Dad, let me ask you: Does your heart break like mine as you hear these collective voices of self-condemnation that are doused with a thick dose of unrealistic expectations, smothered by the constant pressure to measure up? 

For me, as I worked my way down this list, I noticed a mounting heaviness, even some sadness, as each self-deprecating sentence unfolded. Every one of these women feels like she’s not doing enough or being enough while seeing herself as falling short when she compares herself to those around her. It all amounts to: SHE’s not enough.

In fact, it’s this comparison game that is destroying her self confidence, her happiness, her inner peace, her joy, her optimism, her perspective, her energy…and on it goes. 

I’m guessing you’ve heard similar messages from your daughters.

Here’s what I say time and again to women when I hear these words: “Don’t ‘should’ on yourself.”

As you can imagine, initially there’s an awkward laugh because she thinks I meant to say a different word…and that’s part of my strategy for lightening the atmosphere in the room, even if just for a minute. When a woman starts down the dreaded “should” path, my desire is to guide her to see what it’s doing to her. And I’ve discovered that most women don’t even know they’ve said these words until I’ve pointed them out!

Here’s the best part: I notice that a positive shift begins to happen when a woman clearly sees the amount of undue pressure she’s putting on herself. 

Now that you’re more informed about the mental struggles that tend to barrage us as Venusians, I want to point out that even though you don’t intend to add more pressure when addressing things that need changing, the reality is that your daughter is often weighed down by your “should” messages. 

What she hears is that she’s a failure and a disappointment to you. And since she already believes that about herself much of the time anyway, it’s oftentimes more than she can bear. 

And yes, her attitudes and behaviors are things that need correcting and shaping at various times and in certain situations…BUT REMEMBER:

1. It’s all about timing. Wait until you…and she…are in a good emotional space where you are able to convey your message well, which increases the chances that it will be received positively by her. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for disaster.

2. It’s all about noticing. Before speaking, take the time to listen and find out if there’s something deeper going on that may be causing her to be sour or unpleasant. If she’s already had a bad day, decide that now isn’t the time to “should” on her. Come back and talk to her later if you want to reach her heart. And you’ll see that it’s always a win when you speak to her heart – the deeper part – before speaking to her behavior or attitude.

3. It’s all about validating. Make it your goal to hear her side of the story while seeking to understand why things went down the way they did. Wait to give feedback until she’s open, and with this slight course correction in WHEN you respond, HOW you respond, and WHAT you say when you respond, you will increase the likelihood of a successful interaction.

If you’re a dad who doesn’t want to “should” on your daughter, decide today to omit the word “should” from your vocabulary. Instead, find other words to make statements, ask questions, or nudge her to action.

Try it out and let me know how it goes. Better said, I really think you should try this and then let me know how it goes!  :o)

Are You Ready For a Game-Changing Dad-Daughter Book?

Hey Dads...

I’m so excited to announce that I have a new book being released on August 4th titled, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. 

My heart motivation behind this book is YOU. And now the best way you can support me is to pre-order your copy today…and share this with your friends! [click here to preorder]

Because I’ve been listening to you as fathers of daughters for the last decade, here’s basically what you’ve told me:

“We want a book that tells us what to do and how to do it so we don’t screw up. It needs to get to the point so we can get it right when it comes to connecting with our daughters.”

You asked. I listened. 

As we all know, it can be a daunting task for dads and daughters to talk about the hard stuff, the deep stuff, the vulnerable stuff, and the complex stuff.  And a lot of dads have told me they prefer to leave some of those heavier topics to mom.

But trust me when I say that your daughter needs YOU to initiate conversations with her---about anything and everything. And even if those interactions are awkward at first, if you stay with it, you’ll see the positive impacts to her…and yourself!

Here’s the bottom line:

When a daughter opens her mouth, her heart opens.
And when a daughter’s heart is open, her dad’s heart automatically opens.

The most effective starting point for building a stronger dad-daughter bond is through TALKING. That’s why I wrote this book. I want to see healthier, closer relationships between dads and daughters so this generation of women is empowered with dad’s support to stand boldly, live confidently, love fiercely, give fully, and care deeply. 

My goal with Let’s Talk is to help you as dads close the communication gap with your daughters by showing you how to listen and build trust with insights and scripted questions that equip you to move from fun get-to-know-you chats to deep discussions that dive into your daughters’ struggles, hurts, fears, and hopes. 

Let’s Talk covers a large array of topics such as personality, future dreams, spirituality, sexuality, body image, depression, anxiety, and suicide, to name a few. With scripts in hand, you’ll be equipped to lead your daughter to:

1. LAUGH. This is a great starting point where you’ll share laughter so she can enhance her own self-discovery while opening up about light-hearted topics.

2. LOVE. By learning to love herself first, out of that overflow she can pour her beautiful affection and real love positively into the world.

3. LOOK. Here she will begin to go deeper by engaging in self-examination regarding her relationships with herself, others, and God/Higher Power. 

4. LAMENT. Your goal here, dad, is to get close enough to hear her heart cries and true longings while making amends for any hurts you’ve caused her. 

5. LISTEN. Now it’s time to flip the script where she will ask you questions about your life while learning to take an interest in your story and expand her skill set as an active listener.

I always say that your daughter didn’t come with a playbook, but I’m going to help you write one. By following this practical, action-oriented book, as a #girldad you will increase your confidence and competence as your focus becomes sharper in knowing how to be the best dialed-in dad you can be to your daughter. 

So let the talking begin!