Dad, Don't TRICK Your Daughter, TREAT Her Well

Whether Halloween is a holiday you and your daughter enjoy or not, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to weave this theme into my Dad-Daughter Friday Blog this week.

Dressing up for Halloween is something I’ve been doing since I was a little girl. And because costumes were mostly homemade back then---in the 60’s and 70’s---I usually ended up as a gypsy since we could use things we had around the house. 

My mom put bright red lipstick on my lips and penciled a black beauty mark onto my cheek. I then donned an outrageously huge skirt with a scarf over my head covered in plastic coins. It was actually the best repeat costume my mom could muster and one that took very little effort since it was worn year after year. We called that a win-win!

By contrast, my dad grew up with very little parental involvement, not just on Halloween, but on the other 364 days of the year as well. Living on the south side of Chicago as one of seven kids, he grew up with two primary, life-defining variables: extreme poverty and an alcoholic dad. Among other realities, those two themes resulted in him fending for himself much of the time, with very few memories of interacting with his father.

My dad has shared some of his Halloween memories with me, including those of costumes he created on his own. His creative motivation was high since this was the only way to fill his bag with free candy. These stories highlight his ingenuity and resourcefulness, ranging from being a hobo with black charcoal spots under his eyes to that of being a BOX. Yes, you heard me right! As a boy, my dad went as a box for Halloween! He got a box at a local grocery store for free, cut holes for his arms and legs, and one for his head at the top, and then drew buttons on the front. Voila…he was a box!

I laughed uproariously when he first told me that story, but then the more I thought about it, I realized he deserved applause for his brilliant imagination! He rose to the occasion when he had no option but to create a costume all by himself with no adult or parent to help or support him.

As you just read in these accounts of two parallel generations at Halloween, both my dad and I made choices for our outfits based on the different levels of involvement by our parents. I imagine you’d say the same thing as you think back on what this day looked like for you as a kid.

When it comes to the kind of fathers that each of us end up with, some of us get the “trick” version while others get the “treat.” Let me explain what I mean as I seek to add some of my own creativity to these holiday-themed words.

Here’s what a father looks like who “tricks” his daughter, followed by one who knows how to “treat” her well. 

A dad who “tricks” his daughter:

• Puts his needs before hers on a regular basis.

• Teaches her by the way he interacts with her that women are “less than.” 

• Teases her for being emotional, leading her to put walls up as a protective shell.

• Criticizes her mom, leading her to believe that she’s going to turn out the same way.

• Uses her for his sexual pleasure and robs her of her innocence.

• Contributes to the exploitation of women through his engagement with porn.

• Makes her struggle to trust God as her Father because she struggles to trust him as her earthly father.

And now, let’s move on to the good news. 

Here are ways a dad can positively “treat” his daughter well so she internalizes his affirmative view of her:

A dad who “treats” his daughter well:

• Tells her daily that he loves her and why he loves her.

• Notices the things that have meaning to her and then shares them with her.

• Provides consistently for her needs.

• Buys a special gift for no particular reason other than to reinforce her value.

• Loves her mom (and if divorced, speaks positive words or doesn’t say anything negative)

• Affirms her positive qualities.

• Gently and lovingly sets boundaries and limits as a way to teach her to respect herself and the world around her.

• Listens twice as much as he talks, knowing that this will let her know she’s worthy of being listened to.

• Pursues her heart by actively spending time with her as a way to really know her.

• Enjoys the uniqueness of her personality by laughing at what makes her laugh.

• Has fun doing activities with her that strengthens their bond.

• Being a trustworthy, connected, and invested dad, builds a bridge for her to trust, connect to, and feel positively about God as her Father.

So Dad, it’s up to you to decide what kind of dad you are: One who tricks or one who treats your daughter well.

I pray that today you’ll choose to be the one man she can count on to treat her with dignity and value so she’ll always know and believe she is both a treat and a treasure.

With that spin on this day after All Hallows Eve, I say, “Dad, bring on the treats!”

15 Ways to Be Supportive When Your Daughter is Triggered, Testy, Tetchy and Tapped Out

Fact #1: We all react and we all overreact. It’s part of being human.

Fact #2: We all have nervous systems that respond in specifics ways to incoming stimuli. And when we feel threatened or unsafe, our emotional center (limbic system) alerts us and floods our rational, reasonable center (prefrontal cortex), and that’s things go off the rails.

And that’s when our automatic responses kick in and we respond in one of four ways:

• Fight (“I’ll take you on and I’ll take you down”)

• Flight (“I’m out of here”)

• Freeze (“I can’t move and all I feel is helpless and stuck”)

• Fawn (“I’ll submit and do what you want just to keep the peace”)

Robyn Gobbel is a respected play therapist and personal colleague who has written a phenomenal book titled, “Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work.” (She also hosts a podcast I highly recommend, The Baffling Behaviors Show. Check it out and let me know what you learn!). She is uniquely gifted in educating us on powerful ways to understand and regulate our nervous systems, especially highlighting ways to accelerate healing.

I love these her words of insight:

“I know your child has some challenging behaviors that don’t seem to make any sense. Their behavior doesn’t match your experience of reality. But I promise you that it matches theirs. That’s simply how the mind works: We create, and then respond to, our own reality…

As I came to fully grasp this idea, I became less judgmental of others and better at setting boundaries for myself. Now, if the grocery store clerk isn’t friendly, I assume their nervous system isn’t feeling safe. I don’t’ have to take it personally. If I feel up to it, I can respond with authentic kindness----one small gesture toward cultivating more felt safety in the world.

You know what our kids need to be invited into safety? They need for us to be in connection mode.” (pg. 43-44).

I know it’s super hard to be in “connection mode” and want to get close to your daughter when she’s prickly, harsh, mean and reactive. And a new word to add to your vocabulary (since I just added it to mine for this blog!) is in my title: tetchy, which means cranky, easily annoyed, difficult to handle, irritable.

Dad, it’s your job to initiate connection because it’s exactly what she needs, even if she doesn’t know it. This is where you have to tap into your wisdom, maturity, and supernatural power that God alone gives in order to be her co-regulator. This is how she’ll know you’re in it with her.

As you grow in being the best dad you can be to your daughter with a goal of staying in connection mode where she knows she’s seen, soothed, secure and safe, here are 15 ways to be supportive when she’s triggered and tapped out (which is another way of saying she’s maxed!)

1. Be aware.
   This one is first because this is where you have to start. Notice what’s happening in you (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) rather than focusing on what’s happening in your daughter. Get your feet on the ground before approaching her even when she pushes your buttons. Remember that if you react at an 8, 9 or 10 level on a scale of 0 to 10, it’s your own stuff that’s being activated. Settle yourself first or you’ll say or do things you regret.

2. Be curious.
   If you approach her with a desire to understand and listen rather than lecture, you give her the gift of co-regulation. This simply means that when you’re curious, not critical, she will settle down (in time, gradually) because she’ll sense your loving presence. As you use the two words, “I’m wondering” when talking with her, she’ll feel your support. 

3. Be understanding. 
   Commit to learning to pace with your daughter as you sit with her in her intensity. Learn what is triggering for her rather than trying to dismiss what’s going on with her just because it doesn’t make sense or seem like a big deal to you.

4. Be teachable.
   I often talk to dads who say they have limited emotional capacity, and their daughters canb make life difficult because they require softer skills in them. I encourage you to allow your daughter to teach you to expand your ability to sit with emotions and let her know you want to be a student who is willing to learn and grow.

5. Be kind.
   Try to avoid causing additional pain through criticism or anger. And as you listen, be mindful that as you ask questions, she may choose not to open up to you if she feels unsupported.

6. Be patient.
   If your goal is to be there for your daughter and she’s not ready to talk or needs time to settle down and regroup, give her space without making things worse and reacting to her reaction. Don’t take it personally if she declines your offer of support, and then come back later (or text or write her a note) to let her know you love her.

7. Be affirming.
   Your positive, warm presence will benefit her in the healing process, even if she isn’t able to communicate that truth to you in the moment. She will internalize your view of her so make sure to give words of affirmation…especially when it’s hard to see the good.

8. Be the adult.
   Remember that your daughter’s pre-frontal cortex---where she thinks and reasons and has good judgment---isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. So if your daughter is younger than this age, realize she’s still maturing and needs your grace.

9. Be the example.
   We’ve all heard it said that “more is caught than taught.” Your daughter is watching you and you must model the behaviors you want her to emulate. It starts with you, Dad. If you want her not to respond with anger or attitude, ask yourself how your anger and attitude is doing in front of her.

10. Be caring.
    Though your daughter may respond in ways that aren’t always aligning with who she is, remember that she’s a work in progress, just like you. Remind yourself that it’s the stress or overwhelm or trauma talking. When you’re gracious, loving and display the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control), you help to bring healing into the room and into her life.

11. Be clear.
    It’s okay to set boundaries and not engage with her in the heat of the moment. But first, use your words and tell her where you’re going so she doesn’t assume you’re rejecting or abandoning her. (When her brain is on fire she won’t be clearly thinking through things and her emotional brain will lead the way). Then gently remove yourself from the situation and say something like this: “I’m sorry you’re hurting and I will be in the other room waiting with open arms if or when you want me to be there for you. I love you…”

12. Be communicative.
    Clarify with words that are short, sweet and ‘to the point.’ (When she’s flooded, she can’t hear too many words at one time). Use your words to calmly state that you are aware she’s maxed and hurt and overwhelmed and ask her if there’s one thing you could take of her plate. Make sure she hears your heart behind your words as you communicate clearly.

13. Be encouraging.
    When your daughter (or any of us) is triggered, there is often a time warp where the past gets mixed into the present. If you offer encouragement about her character, beauty, growth to date, etc., oftentimes this can bring a sense of calm and assist in the de-escalation process while she works to regain her equilibrium.  

14. Be vulnerable.
    You may struggle to let your daughter know when you don’t know what to do or don’t have the answers or are lost when it comes to “getting it.” But when you lead with vulnerability, which includes making amends after you’ve blown it, you’ll reach her heart more quickly and she’ll find it easier to regroup and reground.

15. Be willing.
    If you have the strength and capacity to help her with coping strategies, offer to help her connect to powerful and effective calming resources: Breathe, pray, sing, hug, walk, exercise, take a drive, etc. Make sure not to force anything, but pace with her process. If she asks you to leave, then honor her boundaries and use that time to calm yourself so you can be ready to connect later. Let her know you’re willing to go the distance with her because you love her no matter what. Sometimes we know we’re most loved when we’re the least deserving.

Dad, I encourage you to choose one of these 15 action steps and make it your goal this week to prioritize that one thing.

Make it a matter of focus and prayer.

And you can print out or save this meme to serve as a reminder to BE the dad you want to BE and your daughter needs you to BE!

Fathering Regrets From Nike Co-founder Phil Knight

For the bulk of my life I lived in Portland, Oregon in the heart of Nike country. In fact, the church I attended for over 25 years is on the street where the company’s world headquarters resides.

I’ve had lots of friends who work for Nike and have done everything from designing shoes to leading international teams to doing various jobs in between. There’s even been a number of dads in The Abba Project who have been part of the Nike family. All this to say, the swoosh has been commonly seen and worn in my community!

This leads me to ask: Have you read or heard of Nike co-founder, Phil Knight’s, best-selling memoir, Shoe Dog? In this book, he shares his journey from launching a struggling start-up to becoming what is now a fifty-billion-plus- dollar company, and the world’s largest supplier of athletic shoes and apparel.

What I’ve noticed is that when Mr. Knight talks, people listen. And when Mr. Knight talks about life lessons he’s learned along the way—especially the hard way—people really listen.

That said, his reflections at the end of his book about being a dad are particularly noteworthy:

It might be nice to tell the story of Nike. Everyone else has told the story, or tried to, but they always get half the facts, if that, and none of the spirit. Or vice versa. I might start the story, or end it, with regrets. The hundreds—maybe thousands—of bad decisions . . . Of course, above all, I regret not spending more time with my sons. Maybe, if I had, I could’ve solved the encrypted code of Matthew Knight. And yet I know that this regret clashes with my secret regret—that I can’t do it all over again.

The fact that Phil’s son Matthew died in a scuba diving accident at the age of 34 makes these poignant words spoken by a man in his late seventies who wishes he’d been a more invested father even more powerful.

To state the obvious, he can’t get time back and he can’t get his son back.

• Dad, don’t let this be your story.

• Decide now to re-examine your priorities.

• Don’t wait.

• Just do it!

And this isn’t about perfection because no one is perfect. It is, however, about pursuing time with your daughter no matter what challenges arise, at any cost to yourself.

Taking Mr. Knight’s words to heart, I challenge you to ask yourself this question: Do I want to live with purpose (with clearly defined goals with specific and measurable action steps) or with regret when it comes to my role as a GirlDad?

I know you want to live with purpose as a father and actively pursue your daughter’s heart by putting your love for her into action or you wouldn’t have read my blog today.

So now let’s get practical and personal.

1. Ask yourself: Am I spending “enough” time with my daughter?
   (Yes, this is a relative term and may be hard to answer specifically…so search your heart and be honest with yourself. A “no excuses” mindset increases the likelihood of living with no regrets).

2. Ask yourself: What am I willing to change/give up/adapt to increase my flexibility and visibility to meet my daughter in this season?
   (Ex: Start work later to drive her to school, work out at another time so you’re available when she has time, invite her to join you in activities that allow for more consistent bonding, set up consistent calls or FaceTime to create a rhythm of connection she can count on…)

3. Ask your daughter: “Are we spending as much time together as you’d like?”

4. Ask your daughter: “What are one or two ways I can be more present in your life…and be specific about where I can meet you in your world.”

There it is Dad: two questions to ask yourself and two to ask your daughter.

You know how much I encourage you to TALK and LISTEN as you interact with your daughter so she can tell you what she feels, thinks, believes and needs…especially from you.

It’s up to YOU to initiate the conversation.

And yes, your daughter may or may not respond positively as you pursue her heart, yet as you consistently initiate connecting with her in real time, you’ll always know you put your time where your heart is…and that’s how you clarify your purpose to live without (or with less) regrets.

Go Dad!

Dad, It Doesn't Have to be Win or Lose: How to Win Your Daughter's Heart

I’ll always remember the day when Steve and I were talking about his then 13-year old daughter Maddie and how much he was invested in learning how to relate better to her as she was maturing and changing. It was during our conversation that the following words rolled effortlessly off his tongue:

“I know it’s more important that I win her heart than win an argument.”

Does that hit you like it did me?!

I’d never before considered that it’s one or the other. It’s a win-lose proposition: Either the argument is won and her heart is lost…or her heart is won and the argument is lost (a.k.a. Dad is aware that it’s more important for him to “lose the argument” because in the big scheme of things, it matters more that he connect with his daughter’s heart).

In other words, there’s no way to have it both ways (win the argument and win her heart) because these two competing realities lead to very different outcomes.

If you as a GirlDad are invested in:

• exercising your parental authority at all costs

• being right no matter what

• coming out as the “winner”

• being unwilling to hear her side of the story, the result will be conflict, distance, and heartache.

But if you care more about:

• humbling yourself to listen to her side of the story

• seeking to understand her (even if she doesn’t make sense to you)

• validating her emotions

• leading by example with love and respect, the result will be bonding, harmony, and connection.

As I’ve watched Steve and Maddie navigate their relationship over the years---from middle school through high school, onto college and now into her young adult years---I’ve seen this dialed-in Dad humbly stay the course in pursuing his daughter’s heart. And especially during the topsy-turvy, unpredictable road between independence and dependence, freedom and boundaries, rules and responsibilities, distance and connection, he never stopped letting her know that his love was (and is, plus always will be) unconditional.

I still recall my response to Steve when we first talked about the power of a dad pursuing---and winning---his daughter’s heart:

“If every dad in America understood this concept it would literally change the trajectory of relationships between dads and their daughters because fathers wouldn’t pull ‘the power card’ but would instead seek to understand their daughter’s heart needs in a proactive way.”

Dad, as you think beyond the present moment with your daughter, especially those that are challenging, make it your goal to validate her core worth and value at every turn, even when you disagree or struggle to support her decisions.

Let her know she has a purpose and you’ll support her while she grows in learning to stand with confidence as she makes a positive impact in the world.

Then speak life-breathing words of truth into the woman you want her to become.

I’m grateful for dads like Steve who truly understand that winning an argument lasts only minutes while winning your daughter’s heart lasts a lifetime.

7 Things GirlDads “Hate” About Their Daughters…and What To Do About It!

With the holiday season officially underway, we know that pressures mount during this time of year like none other. It’s the excessive demands and numerous agendas and expectations, needs and schedules that push all of us past our normal capacity.

This is the perfect set up for what I call, “relational collisions.”

And yes, as a dad you have weight on your shoulders that your daughter knows nothing about (end-of-year deadlines, extra expenses, challenging family dynamics, etc.). Yet the truth is that your daughter has her own set of circumstances that overwhelm her and push her past her limits too.

So if you want to grow closer to your daughter this holiday season, here’s your survival guide!

I’ll start by validating you as a dad and sharing what most of you typically "hate" from your daughter, followed with practical suggestions about how to proactively and positively respond so that your relationship is strengthened, not hindered, over this next month.

Here are 7 things that tend to overwhelm most GirlDads coupled with strategies for what you can do about it:

1. DRAMA--- You may prefer for your daughter to respond in a calm manner while clearly expressing her feelings and needs. And then You remember back to when she was younger and you could tell her that her tone wouldn’t be tolerated. But the older she’s gotten, the less control you have over her when she uses “that tone of voice.”

Proactive Dad Strategy: You give your daughter a profound gift when she experiences being emotionally “held’ by you without criticism or condensation. This is how she will bond to you when she feels how much you care and love her, especially during a meltdown. This is what “fixing it” looks like to your daughter because when you’re her sounding board and safe place, you help decrease her stress by being in it with her.

2. DIALOGING TOO MUCH (a.k.a. over-talking)--- You may prefer that your daughter “get to the point already” and for her to say what she means more quickly. You’ve discovered that she’s just getting warmed up when you're past your listening limit. One expert says that women speak 20,000 words a day while men speak 7,000. Enough said. You’ve lived it!

Proactive Dad Strategy: When you listen twice as much as you talk while asking more questions than giving answers, you support your daughter in finding her own voice. This is how she learns to problem-solve because she figures things out by talking. If you listen with the belief that she is smart and wise, you’ll be less apt to give answers and will invest more time in asking questions where she learns to figure things out as you cheer her on.

3. DISRESPECT--- This is a BIG one for dads, especially when you step in to defend mom (or her siblings) when your daughter isn’t respecting her (or them). And that’s when things escalate quickly. The truth is that you’re simply trying to de-escalate the situation for everyone, yet you suddenly become “the bad guy.” Then you feel attacked, unsupported, underappreciated, and alone.

Proactive Dad Strategy: If you weren’t there for the whole interaction, and your daughter accuses you of taking everyone else’s side but hers, it's important to take time to listen as she explains. I know this is easier said than done, but the book of Proverbs really does have a good solution here: A soft answer turns away anger. That’s your solution to win the war. Lead by example and soften your tone. Don’t use anger to deal with her anger. Show her what respect looks like in action even when her intensity pushes every button inside you. Give yourself a time out to collect your thoughts while remembering that there’s always a solution and this doesn’t need to be the mountain you die on. You’ll always benefit from coming back later when the air clears with less chance of saying something you’ll regret.

4. DISMISSAL--- When you experience your daughter disregarding, diminishing or dismissing you (or your input), this is a huge trigger for dads. It’s because you want to feel valued and important. You long for your relationship to be like it was when she was younger. You’re trying to figure out why she doesn’t seem to value your input or time with you like she did when she was younger. Now she doesn’t want as much time with you and you watch her make time for other relationships than you.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Ask yourself if you have you dismissed her or caused her to feel devalued or unimportant. If so, make amends. Then realize that some of this might be her stage of development where she’s wanting to “separate and individuate” as a pre-teen or teenager who is responding in ways that are within normal limits. It may help to type these words into your search engine: “what is typical pre-adolescent and adolescent stages of development?” to better understand what’s going on in her brain and body. Or there could be dynamics in her personal relationships that make it hard to open up with you because she’s needing more emotional responsiveness and tenderness. If so, commit to being the dad she’ll want to talk to and the one whose shoulder she can cry on, even if it’s not happening in the ways you’d like it to right now.

5. DISAGREEMENTS--- There’s nothing harder than seeing your relationship disintegrate as conflict intensifies between you, and your daughter rises up to challenge or attack you. That's when it’s very difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to stand upright and steady when the blasts come. Sometimes it may even seem like she’s forgetting or walking away from the way you raised her.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Instead of interpreting her responses as personal rejection, seek to understand her position more than your own. Take time to explore what she’s saying and feeling. Ask more questions than ever before as you hold to the truth that disagreements are not necessarily negative, but can be a place where growth happens while your daughter is learning to think for herself. The beliefs and opinions she has today may not be where she lands tomorrow, or the next day, month or year. Give her room to change her mind. And be honest in letting her know that you’re struggling to figure this out with her but want to grow in being the dad she needs who doesn’t dominate or belittle her in this process of becoming a woman who uses her voice out in the world like she’s learned to do at home.

6. DISTRESS--- When your daughter is suffering or in pain, you want to do everything in your power to fix things and help her feel better. Sometimes she welcomes your support, and at other times she rejects it. As a result, you feel helpless, which then increases your own distress levels because there’s not a solution or remedy. Then you feel what she’s feeling (even if you don’t admit it) and see that she’s still hurting.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Remind yourself that your daughter will grow stronger by overcoming obstacles, navigating conflicts (especially relational ones), and learning to self-regulate in emotionally difficult times. As she processes and problem solves, she’ll internalize the belief that she can do hard things. She’ll discover that she’s more resilient than she knew she was at the onset of the problem. Keep affirming that she’s like a caterpillar who’s turning into a butterfly and her wings will get stronger as she learns to push her way out of the confined, dark space (cocoon). Once she’s airborne, she’ll forget how hard the struggle was and see the value in it while she soars to higher heights. You can give her this perspective while remembering that you truly are making it better by listening and showing empathy.

7. DISTANCE--- I talk to a lot of dads about how much their hearts hurt due to distance from their daughters. Sometimes the distance is tied to divorce where she feels loyal to her mom and is caught in the crossfire. Other times she’s making poor choices and doesn’t want you to be disappointed in her. Regardless, there’s no upside to distance.

Proactive Dad Strategy: Don’t lose heart during the seasons where your daughter is radio silent. I know it’s excruciating to wait when you long to be close to her again. I suggest two things: 

1. Write a list of prayers for her during this time.

2. Write in a journal that you’ll give her when the door is open again where you share thoughts, dreams, memories, prayers, wishes and affirmations.

There you have it, Dad: 7 practical strategies for proactively navigating this Christmas season so you can end the year in a powerfully positive way with your daughter. Go Dad!

3 Things Moms Do that Damage the Dad-Daughter Bond (Guest Blog by Connie Patty)

Connie Patty has been my best friend for over 40 years and I’m excited for you to read her words of wisdom today that are for MOMS so you can help support the relationship between your daughter and her dad. 
~ Dr. Michelle

I’ve been asked the question: What have you observed about the ways that women can undermine their husbands---or if divorced, their daughter’s father?

I can honestly say I’ve not just seen the impact of disempowerment, but I’ve done it as well. Yet hopefully after being a mom now for nearly 33 years, I’ve learned from some of those mistakes! 

Shortly after my husband and I were married 36 years ago, we came up with something we called, “The Ten Amendments to our Marriage Vows,” and one of the vows we made directly ties into this question about disempowering the fathers of our kids. My husband and I agreed that we would be THE PRESIDENT OF EACH OTHER’S FAN CLUB and never talk poorly of the other person in public.

That gave me such a good foundation once we started having kids. 

As I look back over my journey and reflect on conversations I’ve had with other moms, there are THREE THINGS I would recommend to every woman if she wants to help strengthen the bond her daughter has with her dad.

1. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT HIM WHEN HE’S NOT AROUND

One of the greatest ways moms negatively influence their children is by the words they speak when talking about their father when he’s not there. Yes, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but most of the time there are choices we can make to live by biblical principles that could change the whole course of our kids’ relationships with their dads by the ways that we speak about him! 

For instance, in our family we were very committed to the verse in Ephesians that says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up others that it may benefit those who listen!” That means that if I’m frustrated by something my husband is doing, or not doing, in that moment I can choose words that are either wholesome or unwholesome.

2. STOP SPEAKING IN A DISRESPECTFUL TONE TOWARDS HIM

Another thing women do to disempower their husbands (or daughter’s dads) is to speak with a degrading tone. 

If my husband says, “Have you seen my keys?,” I can walk over to the spot where they are, dangle them in front of him, and say, “They’re here”…which means, “They’re here, stupid.” Or I can respond with a completely different tone of voice by simply saying, “Here they are!”

Moms can pass on a sinful pattern of disrespect, which can be detrimental to the father-daughter, father-son relationship later on. 

So the tone a mom sets in the household with how she speaks ABOUT her husband and how she speaks TO her husband can have profound impact on the relationship her kids have with their dad.

3. DON’T WITHHOLD THE KEY TO UNDERSTANDING HER HEART

Our daughter had years of difficult health problems that required a lot of time where I took her to doctors and hospitals. Because of that, we developed a bond and strength in our relationship that didn’t always leave a lot of room for her dad. I knew all the specifics about what she was dealing with and what she needed, and I related to her with an ease that I often wished my husband had with her as well. 

And even though I knew that she was unusually bonded to me because of those trials, I wanted my husband to have that same level of bonding. Plus, I was frustrated when I could see and hear that he was “missing her.”

For several years I watched the two of them not experiencing closeness in their relationship. 

But I’ll be honest…I didn’t do anything to help my husband understand her either. I was the one who went to all the appointments, and held her when she cried. I made the trips with her when we needed medical help. And yet, in some ways I held it against my husband that he wasn’t close to her. (I know…it was terrible!)

But I remember when she was in her early teen years, and started expressing frustration about her dad (at that point he was actually trying to get close to her), something finally clicked in me and I realized that I probably had the key to understanding her heart…and that I needed to give him that key. 

We had some long talks where I helped him understand:

• Who she was

• What her thought processes were like

• What kinds of things meant a lot to her 

• The ways I saw that he could be successful at building a meaningful relationship with her

This changed everything! 

We were now a team in helping him have a good relationship with her. I was no longer holding out on him with information that could move them forward. Instead, I was looking for ways that would help them connect. 

To every mom reading this, hear my heart when I say that looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I wish I’d spoken up sooner and helped my husband know, understand, and relate to our daughter.

Make a renewed commitment today not to damage the relationship your daughter has with her dad by being conscious of your words, your tone, and going the extra mile to hand over the keys! 

(If you’d like to listen to the original interview with Connie Patty titled, “How Moms Can Support the Dad-Daughter Connection," click here)

The Absolute Worst Thing You Could Ever Say to Your Daughter

If this title intrigues you, I’m guessing you’re wired like a lot of dads where you have a fairly good idea of what to say to your daughter, but you’re aware that it’s just as important to know what not to say. 

You’re no doubt reading this because you’re highly invested in making your relationship with your daughter the best it can be. I love that about you and applaud you for being proactive!

We all know that whether intentional or unintentional, once words leave our mouths, they stick; they can’t be taken back. Maybe you can even recall words ---both positive and negative--- that were spoken to you by your dad --or someone else-- that feel as fresh today as when you first heard them. 

Yes, we’re all human and we speak or misspeak things we might later regret. And thankfully we can ask forgiveness and make amends. But still, those imprinted messages last long after they’re spoken. 

So let’s look at this from a positive vantage point where you can add another tool to your fathering toolbox to ensure a higher likelihood of doing it right, saying it right, and getting it right as a #girldad.

Here are the two absolute worst words you could ever say to your daughter: 

“You’re too…”

At first glance, you’re probably thinking this seems insignificant and doesn’t appear to be substantive enough to merit an entire blog.

Yet the reason I’m underscoring the destructive, negative power of these words is that they attack the very core of who God made your daughter to be.

Let me clarify. Here’s how this sentence might sound if it were completed: 

• You’re too fat

• You’re too skinny

• You’re too quiet

• You’re too loud

• You’re too much 

• You’re too immature

• You’re too self-absorbed

• You’re too complicated

• You’re too unpredictable

• You’re too needy

I’m including this last one because I actually heard these words spoken by a dad in a counseling session years ago. I was there with Mom, Dad, and their 19-year old, compliant, gentle, beautiful, yet fragile daughter. We were talking about her recent stint in a 45-day residential eating disorder treatment center for anorexia nervosa. At one point Dad said--with his daughter listening--“she’s always been the most needy of our three kids.” 

My heart was breaking for her and I thought: If this is how Dad is talking about his daughter to me with her listening, what kinds of things is he saying to her in their home? I also wondered if his negative view of her was internalized such that she was now seeking to be invisible and unseen while fading away (which is a hallmark of anorexia). I saw her trying not to have any needs, which included not being in the way, and not being alive.

In time she did heal, thankfully. Yet, her dad harmed her more than helped through much of her process, unfortunately. I don’t want to see another dad make this same mistake.

I could go on, but you get the gist.

The reality is that your daughter might be “too this” or “too that” based on your personality or preferences. But, she’s wired the way she’s wired for a purpose by her Creator. It is your job to help steer, support, steward, and strengthen her gifts.

And Dad, if you do need to address negative behaviors, find a way to say it in a positive way. 

For example, instead of remarking, “you’re too selfish,” try saying, “I’ve seen you give of yourself through the years (give one or two examples) and that is when you’re being your authentic self. Lately I’ve noticed that you’re more focused on yourself and your needs rather than on others. Can we talk about what’s going on inside? I imagine there’s more going on under the surface.”

Dad, always remember that your daughter will internalize your view of her. Make it your goal to:

1. Renew your commitment to never speak words that crush the core of who she is. 

2. Look for opportunities to speak life into the very areas where you perhaps feel overwhelmed or get triggered by her.  

3. Counter reactivity by leaning in and proactively affirming her positive qualities.

4. Find ways to build her up and celebrate her uniqueness.

And these, my friend, are the four absolute best things you could ever say or do to your daughter. Go Dad!

3 Blind Spots of Mice and Men

Do you remember the nursery rhyme from when you were a kid about three blind mice? I haven’t actually thought about it in years or heard anyone cite it either.

But as I’m looking at it today, I thought you might enjoy reminiscing with me:

Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run
They all ran after the farmer’s wife
She cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

Crazy story to share with kids, right?

I don’t have any profound insight as to why this rhyme is of any value to us or our children, but my one take away is this: Blind spots lead to catastrophic outcomes.

It’s the same with fathering your daughters. 

Blind spots are those areas where we miss or don’t see things, often because they’re in our peripheral vision. Yet when something is legitimately there and needs our immediate attention, it’s wisdom to turn our heads and respond appropriately.

With that in mind, here’s three specific things that might be in your blind spot when it comes to interacting with your daughter. My hope is that after reading, you’ll see things more clearly because now they’ll be directly in your line of sight. 

Blind Spot #1: Expecting things of your daughter that you don’t practice yourself. 

As a dad you want your daughter to have positive responses. You want her to respond with immediate obedience without a bad attitude or intense negativity. You want her to respect others (especially her mom and siblings), honor God, and be a contributing member of your family and society.

Those are great goals, but it’s vital that you start with yourself. Begin by considering whether you’re setting an example in these areas so what you’re expecting and requiring of her is modeled by you. After all, more is caught than taught.

Blind Spot #2: Thinking that what you do behind closed doors doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know about it. 

We’ve all heard the quote, “be sure your sins will find you out.” When it comes to integrity (which I imagine is a virtue you want your daughter to embody), it’s about what we do when no one sees. 

When it comes to your personal life---your thoughts, morals, values, choices, relationships with the opposite sex, expenditures, financial dealings, etc.---it’s important that there is congruence between the life your daughter sees publicly and the person you are behind closed doors. 

Let me get a little more personal and specific. If you engage in looking at pornography, you’re contributing to an industry that objectifies and uses women for self-gratification.

If you want your daughter to live with confident strength where she expects to be treated with value and respect, especially by men, be mindful that what you bring with you is being passed on to her. This has to do with the atmosphere and spiritual climate that you carry with you, which is a very real, though unseen, realm. 

Blind Spot #3: Assuming that your anger has no effect in shaping her.

You’ve heard me say this many times and it bears repeating: Your anger will have the most negative impact on your daughter’s heart and spirit than most anything else.

Your anger will cause your daughter to fear you and experience you as unsafe (which I know you don’t want). Your anger will decrease her self esteem, cause her to be tentative and less confident, destroy her spirit, and lead her to shrink back and be less assertive in the world (which you also don’t want). Additionally, she will project these realities onto God as a Father and assume He’s an angry guy in the sky. If you don’t want her to be afraid of God, be aware that you set the base for how she approaches and relates to Him.

Anger from a dad to his daughter is always more intense than you may think it is. Though anger is a God-given emotion and there’s a place for it at times, you must use it rarely. 

Now that these three areas are in front of you, they’re no longer blind spots. 

Commit to addressing one of them today. 

Better yet, talk to a fellow “mouse” (a trusted friend) and communicate honestly about these three areas. This is how you’ll be a band of brothers instead of “three blind mice.” And by creating this kind of accountability group, you’ll offset blindness and move forward with clear vision.

No more blinders. Go Dad!

20 Do's and Don'ts for Dads to Succeed In Having "The Sex Talk" with Their Daughter [Part 2]

Welcome back to the second half of this blog series on a topic that is important to address yet can easily scare some dads away. You’re here because you’re open to figuring out the best way to have ‘the sex talk’ with your daughter.

And if you’re tuning in for this second installment, I applaud you and affirm that you’re already rare among men for courageously being willing to speak into your daughter’s life. Whoo hoo!

Let me briefly review part one:

• If you don’t talk about sex with your daughter then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence.

• You don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation with her about sex.

• Girls/women delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, which underscores why this vital conversation will bond the two of you. 

These were the first ten skills I presented from my list of 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. 

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. 

8. Do practice what you preach.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. 

10. Do lead with vulnerability.

Now here are the next ten skills I recommend that will lead you in successfully discussing sex with your daughter:

11. Don’t smash the Oreo. Oreos serve as a metaphor of a powerful way to communicate. Just like they have two cookies holding the “stuff” in the middle, Oreo Cookie Communication begins and ends with positives while filling the middle of the conversation with the harder “stuff.” When you share why you love her and are proud of her, it surrounds the harder part of the interaction, making the whole thing easier to swallow.

12. Do ask questions that invite her to think through her sexual choices and boundaries. We as women figure things out by talking. So the more we hear ourselves speak out the things we hold inside our minds and hearts (that oftentimes we don’t know we’re holding), the clearer we are. As you ask strategic questions, you give your daughter a gift in providing a way for her to clarify her position on this subject.

13. Don’t force her to embrace your beliefs. She will continue to form her own opinions on sex with or without you. If you share your concerns and hopes for her, coupled with respect for her thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, she will be more open to hear the things you share.

14. Do let her see your softer emotions. It’s easy to have the emotion of anger take center stage while “softer” emotions, like fear or sadness, are then forced to step back or hide. Innumerable daughters have told me they hate disappointing their dads, which leads me to say that when you’re vulnerable and let your daughter hear you speak from your heart, you’ll bond more and see greater relational gains. As you share what you’re afraid of for her or what brings up sadness in you, she’ll most likely connect with those same emotions in herself. 

15. Don’t react negatively when she opens up with you. This may be a hard one as you think about experiencing a strong reaction to what she tells you. If you immediately react with negativity by what you say, ask or emote, it will shut her down. This is why you must choose to stay steady throughout the conversation. Lean into God as a Father who holds you up, and ask Him for the grace to express all the fruits of the Spirit as you listen---love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

16. Do wait until she’s ready to hear about your beliefs and convictions. We live in a cancel culture that dismisses and vehemently opposes those who disagree or believe differently than ourselves. What a tragedy to have lost our ability to honor differences. As you and your daughter discuss sex, ask her if or when she is open to hearing your beliefs. If you’re someone who adheres to biblical values on sex (which means waiting until you’re married to have sex), you can be honest without criticizing her choices or beliefs. Let this be a time to activate kindness culture in your family, starting with the two of you. In doing so, you’re modeling that there are men who live by their values.

17. Don’t skip this conversation if she’s already sexually active. You might be thinking that if she’s already had sex, there’s no point in opening up this “can of worms.” Instead, here’s what I want you to consider: By talking this out with you, she may change her stance going forward as she processes her past experiences and then gains more insight that she can apply to future relationships. And who better to lead her than you?

18. Do treat her with the respect she deserves. If your daughter has already had sex, there’s a high likelihood that her sexual experiences haven’t all been positive. She may feel used after a one night stand or like she’s just one in a long line-up of women who believed his promises but now are cast aside. This is why you want to model being the guy who is steady as you truly love and care about her heart…no strings attached.

19. Don’t think of this as a one-and-done conversation. Because your daughter is always maturing and growing and changing, so will her beliefs and choices, thoughts and convictions…on everything, including sex. I encourage you to make this an annual topic of conversation. Lead by initiating dialogue in an ongoing way throughout her lifespan. Let her know you value hearing her thoughts…and about her process in formulating those thoughts.

20. Do end by telling her three things you admire and appreciate about her. It’s always a profound point of connection when someone gives praise and encouragement. Let’s face it: We all love hearing positive words of affirmation that fill our love buckets and breathe life into our weary souls. And when those words of life come from our dad, they’re saved in a deep heart place that can be drawn from long after they’re spoken. 

There you have it, Dad: Twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

If you’re ready to take action in having ‘the sex talk,’ I’ve got just what you need. Here’s the script to lead you as you initiate this delicate yet critical conversation with your daughter. Let’s do this…together!

20 Do’s and Don’ts for Dads to Succeed in Having ‘The Sex Talk’ with Their Daughters [Part 1]

If you’re still reading, it means the title of this blog hasn’t scared you away. Well done!

And because this is a weighty subject, I’m breaking things up into two parts. You’ll get half the list today and half next time [in two weeks]---plus your dad-daughter date questions---to guide you in opening a conversation with her about sex.

That said, here we go!

If you’re like a lot of dads I’ve walked alongside on their fathering journey, you may be tapping into fear and dread as you think about having “the sex talk” with your daughter. Maybe you’re avoiding the subject altogether or choosing to sidestep a potentially unpleasant reaction.

But if you don’t talk about sex with your daughter, then every other voice but yours will have impact and influence. You have to weigh in. 

And you don’t have to have the perfect conversation…but you do need to have some conversation [which is why I have a template for you to follow attached at the bottom of this email].

I acknowledge that many women say it’s their decision whether to have sex before marriage because it’s their body and their choice. They further assert that what they do behind closed doors needs to remain private, especially from their dad.

That said, with research confirming that girls delay engaging in sexual activity as a result of feeling connected to their dads, it’s imperative that you open up this conversation with your daughter because your opinion matters, even if she’s not fully aware that it does. Let her know you’re willing to dive into the deep end, even if it’s challenging.

Here are my suggestions---a.k.a. 20 Do’s and Don’ts that will lead to a higher likelihood of success in talking with your daughter about sex:

1. Don’t talk more than you listen. Set your goal here at the start to listen at least twice as much as you talk---a.k.a. two ears, one mouth. The best way to do that is to ask great questions that allow her to express herself. I highly recommend that you use the template I’m providing here [see below] to help you phrase your questions in ways that allow her to reveal more of what she’s carrying inside (as opposed to hearing a lecture from you).

2. Do take a breath, say a prayer, and muster your courage. I’m guessing you did these three things before every game you played in sports. Think back to how many times you felt overwhelmed, yet you stepped forward despite your fears. Use that same mindset here by first grounding yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then step forward despite your fear. That, my friend, is the definition of courage. 

3. Don’t assume you’ll agree on everything. This is a complex and complicated topic, which requires that you lead by example so the atmosphere is open, honoring, and non-hostile as each of you interact.

4. Do choose to talk about it, whether or not it’s awkward. It’s okay if this is an uncomfortable topic and both of you squirm. The important thing is that your daughter will hear your heart and you will hear hers.

5. Don’t defer and presume that someone else will cover this topic. Too often dads tell me they hope someone else will address sex with their daughters because it seems like they’re all more qualified. Not true (as noted in the research above). Make a choice today not to defer to her mom or some other mentor in her life. You’re her dad. This one is on you.

6. Do come with a goal to open this conversation, not win it. Like my friend Steve Pringle always asks himself in relating to his daughter: Is my goal to win the argument or win her heart? He always chooses the latter. This helps him calibrate his expectations while making sure he’s communicated those goals to his mouth! 

7. Don’t stop midway through…no matter how hard it is and how she responds. If things get heated or feel strange, talk about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps to change your environment by going for a walk and talking shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Go for a walk and talk shoulder-to shoulder rather than face to face. Then pick up the conversation where you left off as you move forward.

8. Do practice what you preach. Think of this as an opportunity to show your daughter what a good man looks like in action by the way you interact with her. It’s easy to say you want her to be with a guy who listens to her and honors her. There’s no better way to teach your daughter how to use her voice with the opposite sex than to practice with you. Even more, if she can speak confidently with you about a hard subject like this, she’ll carry that confidence into the world.

9. Don’t preach what you don’t practice. This might be hard to hear, but I have a question for you: What age were you when you first had sex? Were you a guy who waited or were you a player? If you want your daughter to wait to have sex until she gets married, you may want to give her some context for what you’re advising. Tell her what you learned the hard way (in an age appropriate way, of course) or what you wish you would have known then that you know now.

10. Do lead with vulnerability. This goes hand in hand with the last one. So often dads expect things of their daughters (and the guys they date) that have a historical base in their own story. Perhaps you’re recalling poor choices you’ve made or regrets you have. And yes, you are speaking with wisdom now, but without more context, your daughter may say you’re out of touch with her current reality. Tell more of your backstory. (You can use specific templates on this topic in my book, Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters in the section titled, Lead Her to Listen).

There you have it, Dad: Ten of your twenty specific areas of focus to set your relational GPS in talking with your daughter about sex. 

In the next two weeks---between part one and part two of this blog series---I encourage you to begin practicing these ten skills here. They will set the foundation for your upcoming conversation with your daughter that lets her know she is safe to open up to you. 

Go Dads!

Click here for the template to guide you through this conversation with your daughter.